Friday, December 21, 2007
Losing Face
As Westerners, we do not know what this means. We use the words ‘embarrassed,’ ‘shy’ and even ‘ashamed,’ but none of these come close to the meaning behind the words in Filipino languages that are translated to the English words mentioned above. The Philippines
When we Westerners get into an argument with a fellow Westerner, the issues are usually about who did what, who is right and who is wrong, guilt or innocence, winning or losing. Shouting or name calling is considered rude and poor form, but not equivalent to a stabbing. A Westerner who doesn’t like the way he is being treated by someone says, “He’s got a problem!” or “Who needs this?” or “I’m outta here!” We may get our feelings hurt, but for the most part, we can decide not to make it personal in one way or another by thinking, “He was having a bad day!” or “We won’t talk about that topic again.” or “He’s got an anger problem” etc. We like to win an argument, we like to be treated with respect, but these things to not determine ‘who we are’ in society. The things that really push our button are when people infringe on what we consider ‘OUR RIGHTS,’ or when we are falsely accused of committing some wrong. East meets west when the thing we have done wrong is a serious offense here, and not an offense at all in our home country, like causing someone to lose face. We don’t get it. We can’t believe that such a small thing as calling someone an idiot, or tapping a flight attendant on the head with a magazine, rebuking the lady who cuts in line, or telling the bank manager what you think of the system would even matter! We feel falsely accused and proceed to demand our rights…. And make things much worse.
This whole issue of losing face and our difficulty as Westerners in understanding it is complicated by the Filipino social rule that demands ‘smooth interpersonal relationships’ (SIR). The Westerner can be sailing along, offending people right and left, and not have a clue. Why? Because people keep smiling and acting like everything is just fine. All the Filipinos in the situation will know what is going on, because to them, the signs are obvious: smiles that are ‘plastic’ and never reach the eyes, tight body movements, short sentences, avoiding eye contact, avoiding social contact, eye-rolling behind the back, and often, increased requests or demands (to make you pay for what you did). Think about it. What if this is going on with several members of a family, and the wife is trying to help her husband understand by saying things like, “ I think you hurt my father’s feelings.” Or “Maybe my brother didn’t like what you said to him.” But the clueless foreign husband blows it off saying, “What? I didn’t say anything to him! We were just talking, for pity sake! Why is he so sensitive? He needs to get a grip!” Things will go from bad to worse.
A learner’s attitude is in order here and a little humility. If you find yourself in this sort of situation, believe the person telling you there is a problem, and be grateful. Don’t defend yourself. Accept the fact that you are pretty clueless. Ask questions until you have an idea of who is offended and why. Realize that you will probably never understand how that person feels, or ever feel that way yourself, but if you value the relationship, you need to take responsibility for that person’s feelings and apologize for what you said or did (even if it doesn’t seem wrong). Lose a little face yourself. Pride and bluster will not win the day.
In the next couple posts I will tell some “East meets West” stories which you may find interesting and helpful.
Related Posts:
An East Meets West StoryThe “Foreigner = Money” Problem
# 1 RichardInSC said:
Hi Lola,
This is a great post!
I think I very well understand what you are saying here. Good manners and a sensitive spirit will go far in the Philippines. Honestly, that does sound pretty good to me. I’m a fairly polite guy and I think that politeness and good manners do go far in the Philippines. There are a lot of, well, if you’ll pardon the expression, clueless A**holes in the west, that feel the need to prove themselves at other’s expense. And, I think you are saying is that those people would be better off leaving (whether they want to, or not) than singing in the ‘Choir Eternal’.
I think I know the ‘type’ you are referring to in these cases. They are, indeed, abundant in the US and other western countries and many of us wish would get a little of the nasty karma they spread around everywhere they go.
But, leaving that aside, what are the possibilities of a true misunderstanding turning into something much worse? There are some people who truly mean well, but, just come off wrong. I’m not talking about screamers or people who get in someones face over the slightest perceived insult, but just clueless bumkins who are otherwise decent people, but they just don’t get it?
Well Darwin’s law and all that, but I’m just a little concerned that a simple mistake here could lead to a bad outcome for somebody that really doesn’t deserve it.
# 2 Bob said:
Hi AmericanLola - Very interesting read! One thing I will say is that I believe that all foreigners get into a problem from time to time. The key is to keep it to a minimum. I feel that the ability of being able to avoid most instances where you could have such a problem comes and improves the longer you live here.
Another thing I believe is that most Filipinos do give foreigners a little extra leeway, and they understand that we are different in the way we think and act. But, it is a good idea to use this leeway very sparingly and learn to adjust your attitude as much as possible!
# 3 AmericanLola said:
Good question, Richard. I think that if a person is basically a nice guy, keeps his promises, treats people kindly and with respect, he will be fine. Filipinos are very willing to give us foreigners a lot of slack and to put up with the behavioral lapses that culture shock can produce if we apologize, and improve with time. It is not like walking the high-wire. Most of us will only see the helpful, caring side of the people we meet. I would say that Filipinos are more forgiving with foreigners than with their fellow Filipinos, which is why the Balikbayan who moves back to the Philippines has such a rough time. The expectations for them knowing the ropes is very high.
But the people you described, who insist that their way is the only way, flaunt their different culture, mock and put people down, shout and wag their fingers under people’s noses, use and abuse people, are suspicious of everyone, and accuse people to their faces are in for trouble. Aside from deportation, robbery and murder (which is rare), there are a million ways people can make your life difficult, and they will.
The Philippines is a networking culture. People help each other in many ways. An odious foreigner will meet road blocks everywhere he turns. Nothing will work. Nothing will move forward. The mechanic is your brother-in-law’s wife’s cousin. The guy who gives building permits at City Hall is your neighbor’s father-in-law’s brother. An on and on and on. This is a system that does not move without oil, and I am not talking about bribes, I am talking about SIR. Without smooth interpersonal relations, the system grinds to a halt. And everyone keeps smiling.
# 4 Klaus said:
Hi American Lola, thanks for this very interesting post. And, once again, you are so very right: the system does not move without oil. I always confess, that I was lucky and very blessed, to “meet the right people at the right time”; mostly in-laws helped me on my way to be happy living in the Philippines. My in-laws or their very best friends. Yup, and everybody keeps smiling. And, other expats got mad, because I wasn’t able to introduce them to my in-laws and their best friends. I really got some bad remembrances. But,
# 5 AmericanLola said:
Thanks, Klaus! Yes, it is a real blessing to marry into the right family and to know the right people to make things easy! This is something you cannot really plan for in advance. But even someone who does not marry into a family with influence can oil his own wheels with respect and good will, and even use the influence and connections he gains as a nice foreigner to benefit the family he married into.
# 6 Scott said:
Very good post, required reading in fact ….
Being British I tend to use a lot of sarcasm as do the people I work with in the UK and we all find it funny.
I have learned never to use sarcasm in the Philippines as it will be very sure to cause offense and the joke element is never understood.
Scott
# 7 AmericanLola said:
Ah, yes, Scott, sarcasm is not funny to Filipinos and is not part of their humor. I find we almost don’t notice when we are being sarcastic, so it is hard to eliminate it, but with a bit of work, it can be done.
# 8 Bruce said:
AmericanLola,
As I am now in Davao, your articles are a great guide to living with others. I enjoy Bobs articles, but most are about how tolive and survive, which are a most read for here.
Yours are more an internal guide, the bisaya lessons and now with communication and interaction.
I try to be friendly, make people smile and try to be as nice and respectful as I can, but at times with family, I do ask if I might have offended and I appologize if I can.
Keep up the great articles and I hope soeday to meet you.
# 9 rick b said:
American Lola
Is it a male problem you are talking about here? i think it is, but a genuine question, does this face thing (i think i understand it) apply to women?
very best regards
# 10 AmericanLola said:
Ah, Bruce! Welcome back! I hope you have a great time in Davao and am glad I can be of help!
Hi Rick, Hmmm… Well, I used the ‘he’ pronoun because it is mostly men who come alone to the Philippines as foreigners and interface with the culture. There are a lot less foreign women over here alone, and as a general rule, I would say that women are less likely to be as dominating and aggressively offensive as men. But women can also get themselves in hot water. The first East meets West story I will tell is about a woman, so stand by!
Have I ever gotten in trouble, offending someone deeply? Yes, I am sorry to say, I have. But it was a situation where I was so close with the friend that we assumed no cultural difference, and so when I ‘acted American’ (asking her to look for the things her sister had taken) she didn’t realize the implications either. Both her parents were so ashamed to hear what their other daughter had done that they told my friend to cut off all relations with us. She obeyed her parents. I don’t think there has been anything I have so wanted to undo!
# 11 Keiran said:
:smile:Hi Lola
Yep, Sarcasm is lost on Filipinos.
I think Filipinos are the most friendly, caring people on Earth.
They put up with so much poverty and corruption, but they think “Life has to go on regardless”
If you visit the Philippines (or any other country, for that matter) you need to realise that you’re in THEIR county.
A drunken confrontation in a village can often result in much worse than a black eye. The value of life there is different from many western countries.
As Lola has said, insults that cause someone to lose face in their community may have dire consequences. Many of these people will live in the local area for their entire life, not even venturing to the nearest city, let alone the city of the “black cloud” (pollution) Manila.
After all these dark comments… I’m married to a Filipina.
And I feel perfectly safe in my wife’s village - everyone knows me.
p.s. Filipinos love to gossip.. It’s the national pastime
…
Keiran
# 12 rick b said:
American Lola
I know this is Bob’s blog but it has been a pleasure to listen to your views, (humantarian, that is my impression) i am a brit, so, my normal attitude is to be restrained but i have so much admiration for your work there in the Philippines, you and your husband of course
Good luck in the future i hope your husband recovers from his recent treatment
good luk and merry christmas
# 13 Dave Starr said:
Very thoughtful and well written … timely too, what happened last year happened, but next year soon lays before us … plenty of opportunity.
Two points I’d like to share … the idea that sarcasm is lost on Filipinos is wrong, based on my experience … but it is shared only in much more closely related situations. You should hear my wife and her sisters go after each other … and even me, now that I am really considered ‘family” … an honor, believe me. But if an outsider were to say such things? OMG, I pity him or her. I think the difference is that the circle of those “allowed” to use sarcasm is perhaps smaller.
Secondly, on sarcasm in general … there are a great many of my fellow Americans and British friends (based on my experience living in hte UK) too who use sarcasm far more often, and cuttingly than they perhaps realize.
Just because, especially as men, we are taught to “be tough”, “laugh it off”, “don’t wear your heart on your sleeve”, etc. does _not_ mean the remarks made do not cut, and cut deeply at times. I think we all (and I certainly include myself here) could do with a little re-evaluating of our use of sarcasm … it’s a fine ingredient in life’s rack of “spices”, but one of those spices that can ruin a dish when used too exuberantly.
Happy New year
# 14 rick b said:
Dave
good points well made above
happy new year to you too
# 15 Louis said:
Actually as a Westerner I have a very good understanding of honour and losing face from interactions with Korean friends in High School. I have a situation that started the other day and I would like your opinion. My wife had all of her friends over for a party the other night. I made nice foods, bought coke and red horse for all of them and generally made it very hospitable. My wife told me later on before bedtime that one of her friends told her that she caught me “staring” at one of my wife’s other friends who is a Japayuki. In actuality this is quite baseless since I was busy running around most of the night and the only time I remember looking at the person in question was when she was singing karaoke. I would have let this go except that my wife told me she “was very embarrassed” when her friend told her this. That was it, I hit the roof. This friend comes over to my house, eats the food off my table and repays me by making chismis about me? I really felt I hve lost face in this situation but I would welcome your opinion.
# 16 Alan Mark said:
Lola,
Maybe we should just stop preaching the Gospel to the natives. After all, it is a foreign import. What an insult to the locals to imply that their native religions are wrong!
# 17 Alan Mark said:
<<>>
Fight fire with fire. File a complaint with the brgy Kapitan. Request actual monetary damages. He will probably send a kagawad to tell the lady to keep her mouth shut.
# 18 AmericanLola said:
Hello Alan Mark, I am not sure how your comment relates to the topic at hand.
Are you are making this statement because I am a missionary? Do you know who we are or what we do or what our message is?
Why do you refer to Filipinos as ‘the natives?’ To me this is very colonial and demeaning.
What are ‘their native religions,’ by the way? How far back do you condemn missionaries?
# 19 Alan Mark said:
I’m making my comment because I strongly believe that there is a limit as to how much anyone needs to “adapt” themselves to local customs, if it is felt that they are wrong.
Magellan’s fellow travelers (Jesuits, wasn’t it?) didn’t “adjust themselves” to the local pagan religions. They pushed it aside. No one seems to have any heartburn about that. So why shouldn’t we expect the locals to just get over their hypersensitivity. We didn’t “learn to accept” chattel slavery that the natives had, we didn’t “learn to accept” bathing in our own sewage water as the natives did, we didn’t “learn to accept” so many things that the locals did before they started copying from us. So I for one, am not shy to use my elbows to push bad stuff out of my way. I’m sorry that you didn’t sense the tongue-in-cheek satire of my statement against prosletizing. Maybe you’ve “gone native” with the hypersensitivity thing?
i refer to Filipinos as “the natives” for the same reason that agronomists refer to “native species” and “non-native species”. For the same reason that Native New Yorkers (such as myself) referred (back in the day when I was still in my home stomping grounds in the Bronx)to non-natives as “out-of-towners”. I don’t know what Filipinos say to you. They use the word “native” FREQUENTLY with me, when describing their cuisine, etc. It is difficult for me to imagine that they find the word demeaning
It is not colonial, nor demeaning, to refer to a group which has been essentially intact, and present in an area, for approx 100 thousand years, as “natives” - it is physical anthropology.
I didn’t know that you are a missionary. To me, that word denotes just a little, but connotes a VERY wide range of agendas. Talk to any 20 missionaries (easy to find ‘em in Davao - they have their own apartheid school for their children), you’ll get 20 different stories. .
I don’t know for sure what the native religions were, though I’m of the impression that they were non-monotheist. What I do know for certain, is that Christianity & Islam were imported by non-natives, absent any request from the natives, and basically without asking permission from the natives. These points are not up for debate - they are historical facts. I also know for a fact that your permission to stay here in the Phils as a missionary is dependent on the fact that you are importing, then distributing funds to the locals. That is not up for discussion, since it is part of the Immigration rules & regulations about missionaries. A matter of public record. The Phils Immigration Bureau is actually a fairly efficient organization, IN TERMS OF accomplishing what the LOCAL VOTING PUBLIC wants to be done. Aliens who want red-tape & hassle free Immigration procedures, should go back to where THEY are natives. Immigration here in Mindanao, is run for the benefit of the FILIPINO VOTING PUBLIC, not for anyone else
You refer to “we”. Are you representing other individuals?