Friday, February 1, 2008
The “Foreigner = Money” Problem
[Disclamer: I know all families are not like the ones I am telling you about, but my observation is that the arrival of a foreigner into the family nest brings out the worst in many families. It is a Filipino cultural value that all must benefit from the good fortune of one; that there is limited good in the universe, so those who have more must share with those who have less or be considered stingy and a bad person.]
I have two friends who have foreign suitors. These are girls I have known since they were in high school. I know their families. Let me tell you some of the problems they have, on this end, when they have a foreign boyfriend. I will change the names to protect all parties.
The first is Suzy, my former neighbor. Suzy’s parents are poor. Her father is basically a lazy, arrogant fellow who has depended on his wife to support him all their married life. She is now out of work, but they rent out rooms in their small house and the mother raises pigs (Daddy won’t get his hands dirty). Her rich aunt has an internet café, so her parents told her, “Go to the internet café and find a foreign husband!” After a while, she found a nice fellow named Tommy in England. They met online and chatted and sent letters for several years. A friendship developed. Tommy is not rich. At last report, he had a job in a grocery store and some other side job. Last year Tommy came for a visit. He took Suzy and her family for one night in a very expensive hotel (probably because it was the only one in town to advertise online). When they got to her home, he gave her some money to help with food. Susy’s parents and family were very friendly and welcoming to Tommy, and were able to speak some English with him. But what Tommy did not know was that all the time, while the family was talking to Suzy in Cebuano, they were asking her to ask Tommy for money. Suzy replied with a smile on her face so that Tommy would not know what they were saying or how embarassed and frustrated she was. They were badgering her and shaming her and giving her a really hard time. Tommy left, none the wiser, and Suzy and her parents didn’t speak to each other for at least a month after he left.
This year Tommy came back for a longer stay. By this time, Suzy had moved out because she was sick of the pressure from her parents, especially her father, to get money from her boyfriend. When it came to light that her father was carrying on with a girl younger than Suzy, she brought her mother here to CDO to live with her in the apartment Tommy paid for. Her mother had gone back to her dad before Tommy came the second time. This time, she spent a lot less time with her family when Tommy was here. But still, they were constantly asking. Her father wanted a new cell phone with a camera, and was furious when Tommy gave Suzy one, and he only got her old one. Tommy is gone now, but there are constant calls from Suzy’s mother asking for money to buy rice and pay for the cable, etc. Suzy’s wedding in June will be pretty traumatic, I am sure, with her dad demanding an expensive wedding to show off to his friends, and the rest of the family hoping to get something before Suzy takes off for England as soon as possible to get away from the whole mess! Question: How do you think Suzy will feel if Tommy brings up the idea of moving to the Philippines
The second is Tiza. She is a cousin of Suzy, but she has a lot nicer immediate family. She is from way up in the mountains and ‘met’ Don, an American from the South, by signing up for a pen-pal when she was still in high school. They have never used the computer to communicate, and it has only been in the last few years that they have been more than just letter-friends. In recent years they have talked on the phone along with the written letters. He sent her money to buy a camera, but other than that he has not sent money after she told him not to. Her family was pretty put out that she would ask him not to send money, because they wanted her to ask for money for them, especially when they had needs. Two years ago Don came to meet Tiza, but was scared to death to come to Mindanao, so he flew Tiza, her mom and sister and brother-in-law up to Manila. He was only here for a week, and Tiza was so shy she hardly talked. This year Don came back, this time for a month, and determined to come down to Mindanao and meet her family and see where she lived, and to decide whether to ask her to marry him. Since he does not speak the language, he does not know that just about as soon as they got into town, relatives were asking Tiza to ask him for money. She just kept smiling. Since he planned to go up to the mountains, to her very remote home place, we suggested that he take a pig and a sack of rice for the village. But in the end, it was decided they couldn’t do this, since they had other relatives who lived near town who would be jealous and demand the same. Believe me, things like this get complicated!
Don is actually still here in the Philippines. Before they left our house, I told Don to feel free to come back here if they felt he had seen all there was to see of the small town. To Tiza, in Cebuano, I said that if it got too difficult, with people making demands, just bring Don back here and spend some time seeing CDO. She was very grateful to have that option.
I will add here that in the mix is the fact that Suzy has compromised her moral standards, so she cannot tell her family, “He doesn’t owe me anything, so I’m not going to ask!” He does owe her, but the family is mad because she keeps it all for herself. Tiza has not compromised, nor does Don expect her to, so she can tell her family that he owes her nothing, and they know it is true because they are never alone.
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Losing Face
Cebuano Speaking Tips Cont.
Renewing My Driver’s License
# 1 RichardInSC said:
Hi Lola,
Wow, I’ll bet the Philippines have some great soap operas on TV!
Well, nothing is free and, to be honest, I hope Suzy’s boyfriend realizes the bind he’s put her in. And yes, she’s a ’soft nose’, but he is to blame for her situation. I hope he realizes this and appreciates it, but I doubt he does. Yeah, he may be a poor boy, but it looks like jumped the gun a bit: out of ignorance of the culture or desire or both. Sad to say, I’m guessing she’ll be the loser in all of this. Of course, her family doesn’t come off well at all, so this sounds like another case of a sweet girl getting both barrels.
You’ve discussed this topic in a very sensitive and eloquent way, but it needs to be discussed. Love isn’t without consequences. Somebody is going to pay, but if it’s not done with a lot of care and selflessness, then everybody associated with it is going to pay lot. And a lot of pain result in the end.
# 2 AmericanLola said:
Thanks for your comment, Richard. I was a little nervous about posting this.
You said, ” I hope Suzy’s boyfriend realizes the bind he’s put her in.” and I think my point is that I know he does not. And in fact, he may feel like he is the one in a bind, having a girlfriend who is demanding, or one with demanding relatives (it isn’t always the parents).
Money for favors creates obligation on both sides. And yes, the girl is caught in the middle, wanting the security that could be hers, hoping for the love of a kind man, hoping her family will be pleased, yet knowing she could be just selling herself, and if he doesn’t marry her, she has lost her honor and will not be a good candidate for a Filipino man, and will also be a disappointment to her family and their financial/status expectations.
# 3 Dr. Sponk Long said:
Hi American Lola. I congratulate you for the courage in presenting this sensitive issue that most will not touch with a ten-foot pole.
These situations (Suzy’s and Tiza’s) are happening throughout the world and are not unique to the Philippines.
I dare to speculate that there are more Suzy’s out there than there are Tiza’s.
All is fair in love and war. You add poverty opposite to the comfort of money in love though and love is moved to the periphery…and the situation becomes a question of predation or not.
For all the Suzys: Is there a role of the government? The Department of Social Service- Children and Family? At the Barangay level? A mandatory class to be attended by the Filipina before meeting up with the foreigner and vice- versa with the foreigner too?
How about the Catholic Church? What is their stance on this? Or are they still relevant to the realities of Filipino lives?
It’s indeed a complicated issue but it has to be brought out there in the open and hopefully debated upon….even though nobody gets out unscathed.
# 4 Karen said:
Dear Americanlola,
You are a woman of great strength. Your post is so relevent. These tragic situations need to be openly discussed.
The shining star of LIP is the respect shown by ex-pats here for Filipino people, their culture and languages. But, your insights as an ex-pat woman are most needed for these sensitive issues. Thank you for having the courage to care.
Karen
# 5 Bob said:
Hi AmericanLola - I see a lot of changes in the Philippines since I first came here nearly 18 years ago. Back in the days when I first came here, there were a lot of Tiza’s out there, but not very many Suzy’s. Few girls (very few) compromised their moral values in hopes of landing a foreign husband. Many desired a foreign husband, but did so in a more traditional way.
These days, I feel that girls like Tiza are becoming fewer and fewer, while the Suzy’s of the Philippines are becoming more and more the norm. It is a sad thing, no doubt. Because of my many blogs and highly known profile on the Internet, I meet a LOT of foreigners who come here. Almost every foreigner who comes here is coming to meet a girl that he has been involved with on the net. It would seem that in the vast majority of cases the girls do “give themselves” to these men. While in many ways, I do not feel that it is my place to judge that, I also see a lot of instances where after the foreigner has “partaken” he often leaves the girl high and dry, moving on to greener pastures in the next province over.
It would seem that as society (here or elsewhere) moves on to this new “liberation,” things will probably never return to the way it was 18 years ago when I first came here. I find that sad.
# 6 AmericanLola said:
Thank you Doc Long. I wish there were some government agency that would address this, but they are not even properly addressing the problem of ’singers’ going to Japan and other countries where they end up in a different profession.
As for the Catholic Church, I don’t know why they don’t address this, but neither do they really address teen sex and pregnancy, out of wedlock children and other moral issues. At least not at any local level I have been able to observe. These things are accepted as the norm. I think Youth for Christ is trying in this area, however. Protestant churches seem to be more vocal about moral standards and have higher expectations. (Suzy is a Bible school graduate, by the way, and she will not come to visit us, no matter how I have let her know she is welcome, because she is ashamed. Her sister lives with us, and she only comes to visit when we are gone. This really grieves me.)
But who is talking specifically about what to do with an internet relationship? Other than me, to the few I can influence?
Thank you Karen, your response brought tears to my eyes.
Yes, Bob, I agree, it has changed a lot. it used to be letters, which took at least 10 days to cross the pond and phone calls cost the moon. Now there is the interent with web cams and IM and Skype. It is possible for people on either side to develop and maintain a relationship of some sort with someone, or any number of people; for honorable reasons or dishonorable reasons. In my opinion, the best way for someone on either side to know a person’s true motives and character is to eliminate both money and sexual favors from the relationship. Then the takers will drop out of the running, on both sides.
# 7 John said:
Hi Lola… I read your posting with much interest, as my fiancee is dealing with many of the same issues you described. Not so much the immediate family, but more so with the distant relatives and other people in the village. She is one of the very few in her town to marry a foreigner…. It was a little difficult to get used to bthe stares while I was there… Mostly from curiosity more than anything else. Our situation is a little different… She has been an OFW for 23 years, returning home only every other year. We are also about the same age (She is actually 4 years OLDER than I am). Whereas we met outside the Philippines and our relationship began in person (Met through business contacts, traditional dating, etc.), many people in her family (The cousins, etc.) began treating her as if she just won the lottery. Believe it or not, she is often treated that way in the Middle East by other OFWs whenever we are seen together. Especially by single Filipinas.
With money, she knows I will give her anything I have, and it has never been abused by anyone in her immediate family. I think my fiancee deals with this better having been an OFW for so long… she sends some money home, but, more often than not, she sends “things” instead, and makes certain they are useful and needed. In a way, her immediate family recognizes the fact that she never married and sacrificed for their good for so long. When I met her family, I tried to go out of my way to be respectful and mindful of their culture and values… The day after I arrived in her village I helped take care of her mother, who was ill. Nothing much, just being attentive and showing concern. One of the elderly aunts told my fiancee’s mother something to the effect of “you know, you are really lucky that your daughter met a man who is willing to care about her family”. I realized before I ever went to her village that her family would always be part of the package… I also looked at it as those values she was raised with made her the wonderful, caring woman she is today. Therefore, I do not mind giving back a little to the people who made the love of my life and gave her values and character, and consider it an honor to help in any way I can. We put a lot of thought into the things we give… My fiancee just makes sure that they understand that I am not a money tree…. It all stems from mutual respect and the simple fact that those relatives closest to her see that she is really happy.
# 8 AmericanLola said:
I’ll make another comment here. Tiza;s friends and relatives were giving her a lot of advice on how to please this guy coming to visit, so he would be sure to marry her; hang all over him, kiss him a lot, call him honey, and whatever. she said she wasn’t going to do that, she would be embarrassed and didn’t think that was a good thing to do. Then they started teasing her, calling her ‘Maria Clara’ and giving her a hard time.
I think most people do not believe the men who come here looking for a wife have high moral standards, so again, the girls are in the middle, being coached to give what the man wants, but hoping maybe he’s not that kind of guy. I know this is how Suzy felt.
# 9 AmericanLola said:
John, thanks for your very good and insightful comment! It sounds like you have found a real treasure in each other! Your approach toward her family is a really good one, and I do think she had already crossed the ‘having money’ bridge before meeting you, which really helps! Best wishes to you both!
# 10 Tiina said:
Hi AmericanLola,
Thank you for writing about this very sensitive subject. Being a Filipina, I feel for all the Tizas and Suzys out there. I know most of the Suzys have compromised the traditional Filipina values out of poverty, pressure from family, desperation, etc. They believe it is the only way out. The media is of no help either, with TV and movies portraying casual sex as the norm.
Whenever I see ads for “Filipinas” on the Internet, I am both saddened and offended. It’s like selling a product on the Internet. I see these women as victims. I know you understand that a Filipina involved with a foreigner and whose relationship didn’t work out is treated as an outcast and is the subject of gossip or “tsismis” of the village. This sounds harsh but it is the truth. Where do these women go then? I’m sure they don’t have much of a choice but to look for another foreigner and hope that the relationship will work out. It is a very complicated subject to discuss on a post but is very real and relevant.
Again, thank you AmericanLola, for presenting this.
# 11 athena said:
hello.. i would like to share a story about an american guy who i sit beside on a flight from hongkong to cebu.. on the flight we talk and he told me that he is goin to cebu to meet a lady he met over the net,he gave me idea which part in cebu she is and few things about her..i didnt like the sound of it.. let s col him jon.. its jons first time in the philippines and he doesnt have a clue what to expect so i gave him some tips and warn him about the suzy type of women.. i gave him my business card and to call me if he gets in trouble so we go on our separate ways when we arrive, after four days.. he called and i was right.. indeed it was a suzy kind and the brother the of the girl already ask him to marry her.. and jon wasnt sure yet if he wants to marry this girl so he called me ask for help.. i got him out, transfer him to another hotel.. i showed him cebu, he just tagged along where ever i go even to my office he just sits there and wait till im done with work.. but of course im the boss of my company so i can come and go as i please so i didnt let him wait for a long time
but he enjoyed walking around my working place.. he left after a few days.. but he said that he will come back for one more try to find a decent filipina bride, he have his mind set on having a filipina bride becuase he said filipinas are very loving and caring gentle women and god fearing and he did came back, 2 years after he called me again and introduce me to another filipina lady and this time she is a teacher and he ask to screen this lady and if its good one… i was like his mother but i dont mind.. im glad that i was able to help him and they are together now back in florida…
it had a happy ending after all
teena
# 12 AmericanLola said:
Thank you Tina! I feel the same way about those advertisements. And yes, those girls do become the topic of gossip. Often, when this happens to them, they end up in some other degrading situation, abroad or locally, or looking again n the internet.
Thanks for your comment Teena! I want to make it clear that Suzy is not a bad girl or out to take advantage of a foreign boyfriend, but her family is. She has caved in to her family’s demands. I don’t think Tommy is a bad guy either, and he may end up being a nice husband for Suzy.
But there are girls who are out to get what they can, and there are men who are also out for what they can get. I appreciated the point you brought up, where the brother demanded that the guy marry his sister. I am assuming this is after he slept with her, and he was defending her ‘honor. This can happen as well, and it is really good he had met you and you could help him out of that situation.
# 13 Bob said:
Hi AmericanLola and others - I just wanted to address one thing in the discussion. Several of you have mentioned the internet ads for Filipina girls and such. From time to time, those kind of ads can be seen here on this site, through Google Ads. I just want to say that I do not solicit these ads, they are simply chosen for the site by Google when the page is loaded. I also have some discomfort with these kind of ads, although probably not to the extent that some of you do, I guess. Anyway, if it were my choice, I would not put these ads, but my only way to eliminate them would be by eliminating all the Google ads on this site. In that case, I probably would need to concentrate my efforts on sites other than this one. It’s a catch 22 situation.
# 14 Bill said:
I have always had my doubts about dating websites whether they are asia-based or local, but a friend convinced me to give it a go as he found a lovely lady on an australian dating website.
There are a lot of western men on these dating sites with poor intentions (or who are downright disgusting), and a lot of girls who are simply after money. And a few fakes there too. My earlier reservations were well-founded as it turned out.
However, I found my girlfriend on one of the more reputable sites. She is wonderful. I have had contact with some of her family and we hit it off pretty well. I suppose the big test will be when I visit Tacloban next month. I am cautious but positive.
I think that dating sites, and then moving onto others such as IM using a cam can help girls sort out which men are genuine too. It is easier to hide things if communication is by letter or email. Of course nothing beats meeting face to face. The sites could better prepare girls with some tips though. For example i sent my full flight schedule to my gf so that she can see I am not flitting from one city to another dating several girls. I am sure some guys do just that, or sneak in a few seedy nights in Manila.
So while I agree that there is some bad, I also know that there is some good to come out of cyber dating.
# 15 RichardInSC said:
Look, blaming the internet or technology or the stars for this kind of situation is ridiculous. We have to take the world as it is, not as we wish it were.
People are faced with moral decisions every day and to hold everyone blameless (or wrong), in this case, is an abdication of responsibility, plain and simple. Right and wrong are really not that complex and confusing. Recognizing the difference between the two is very simple, but doing the right thing is very difficult. We tend to excuse a lack of self-discipline because we see the same weakness in ourselves. But that doesn’t make it right. My 2 cents.
This is a great moral tale. Life is hard, even if you live in a ‘wealthy’ country like the US. In the US, there are many ‘wealthy’ people who might wish they were dead because they lack human love. In the Philippines, there are many people who have human love but wish they were dead because they lack the good living standard that wealth can bring.
We can now debate whether it is a good or bad thing that these worlds should even meet.
# 16 Cathy said:
Hi American Lola! Thank you for your article and the courage to write about a sensitive topic. Being a Filipino, I fell that it puts our nationality to shame when people risk their reputation in exchange for financial favors. I would like to think that, more than the responsibility of the church and the government, it all boils down to the values you were instilled with in your family. Poverty cannot topple down your moral standards if you were raised with the proper beliefs.
# 17 Klaus said:
Hi to American Lola and to all of you. Great topic Lola, very unique write up. And of course, a lot of comments. I will not write a lot: but, sad to say, the Filipina attitude changes much. Blaming the internet would be the last what I would do. During the time I met my wife Rose (1982) we had catalogues, requests for penpals and “women-sales-companies”, who really sold Filipinas (with 6 - months - return back warantee!). Gosh… .Some of these “businessmen” are still living here in the Philippines, because they are wanted in Germany or somewhere else. I experienced many times in Germany comments like “in which catalogue did you find HER?” - By the way, I “found her” during my first stay in Davao City (without need of catalogues or return-to-sender requirements…)…
# 18 gerry said:
This may be a bit off topic but has the same “Foreigner = Money” problem but from the foreigners side. I have no filipina girlfriend, I have lived here for 5 months now to experience living in the Phils.
Luckily I knew all about a lot of the problems that I would face beforehand especially the fact that a lot of people would see me as a walking ATM.
And boy have I experienced lots of that, whenever I have invited a friend out for a meal or a drink, she brings either her family or lots of friends,( I’m mostly talking about so called professional people here) the last straw for me was when I was in Davao recently, a couple of people that I had taken for dinner one night asked me out the next night…that’s nice I thought.. they brought 6 friends with them… then presented me with the bill !!
I could go on and on but I’m sure situations similar to the above are well documented already.
Now if I ever ask anyone (or if they ask me) for a meal or a drink I am going to have to agree beforehand on who is coming and who is paying.
# 19 AmericanLola said:
Hi Bill. I appreciate your comments. I like your idea of sending your full itinerary. In fact, I will suggest that the girls I know ask for something like that. I am glad that you have found someone nice, and I hope it works out well!
Thank you Cathy for adding to this post! You are so right, people who have strong moral convictions will not waver, even in the face of poverty. This really should come through the family most of all, as you have said! Good point! But what if the mom or dad has ‘made sacrifices’ and has been gone, working overseas, sending money, most of a girl’s life? What is the message? Should she ‘make sacrifices’ herself, for the same purpose?
Oh my, Klaus, I never heard of those catalogues! That’s terrible! I am so glad you found your Rose in her natural garden!
Hi Gerry, your story is very interesting. Yes, you were taken advantage of. If they are inviting, they should pay. They went against local custom to get a free meal. I think it might be good to look for some different friends and avoid those in the future. Try meeting people in a different setting (outside eating and drinking establishments and hotels, although you may already be meeting people elsewhere), and don’t start out the relationship by buying drinks or paying for meals.
On the other hand, it is not uncommon, when inviting a girl for a drink or meal, for her to bring the family or family members with her. One on one dating implies a sexual relationship, so bringing someone along is the respectable thing to do. You might be able to cut the number by asking, “Would you like to bring your sister or cousin?” A chaperon is a good thing for both your and her reputations.
# 20 Phil said:
Hi,
Interesting but familiar stories!
A couple of years ago there was a news report about a British man who was murdered by his housemaids Father. The british man had gone to the philippines with his maid as she had a good freindship with the man.
She had also borrowed money from her british employer and told her father about it. Anyway, one night the girls father killed the man with a baseball bat because he believed the reason he was in the philippines was to reclaim the money leant to the girl.
I also read a forum for a while and a story on there was of an american who met a filipina online, he was actually talking to the girls mother who arranged everything as far as marraige! When the american man found out the truth he was devastated but the girls mother tried to offer her younger daughter instead.
Regards
Phil
# 21 Bruce said:
Lola,
I too commend you for writing this article.
When I decided to look for a potential asian wife I joined one of the onlie sites.
As soon as I joined I was getting hundreds of emails from ladies of all ages. Some on first writings told me they loved me. I would write back to end it telling the no one can fall in love from a profile.
As to the heart of your story, I was told by many that if they moved to the US they will still need to support their family. For this I looked for an older lady who was educated, came from a good family and was working. Unfortunatly here employers want only young unexperienced people so they can pay less.
We think in Western values and not from the eyes of poor unfortunate familys. I find here though the family is more important and are closer than in America.
It is sad how many young girls use their beauty and youth to attract forigneers and then use them for their money.
Lucky for my Elena is older and loves me for me. Also her family has accepted me too. I do not get demand for money to support them.
I think I will write an article in Americanindavao to better describe my Filipino family.
# 22 AmericanLola said:
Interesting comment Phil! I have known of situations where married women corresponded with men with the full knowledge of their husbands for the sake of money, and men who were gay corresponding with men who thought they were corresponding with a potential wife (but probably not for long). I have a friend whose English is very good who has written the boyfriend letters for several girls, but I think the girls eventually took over. But there is deception on the other side as well, so proceeding with caution and steering away from money and sex are a good way to find the people out there who might make a good wife or husband.
Thanks for your comments, Bruce! You found a very good thing in Elena! Let me make one comment, however, and that is that girls will often need to help support their families when they have moved overseas. This is the way families work. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but it is usually part of the deal. This is not that hard to do. It is a lot harder to live nearby, where you are handy to ask, and there is no easy way to limit how many needs you meet (without ending up looking like a bad guy). Sounds like you married into a nice family who understands your situation, which is wonderful!
# 23 nate said:
Wow! Some of you actually think that government should regulate
courtship between consenting adults? That is really outlandish and betrays
a wish to control the lives of others in detail so that they conform with our wishes. Even commie dictators did not stoop so low.
# 24 Graham said:
Every guy who is thinking of going to the Philippines to “Meet a Girl” should read this column its a real insight what really goes on. Its a can of worms you opened AmericanLola.
From the guys position
Sometimes the stories i have read i can’t believe the foreigner can be so gulible/stupid or whatever. I can only imagine some of them are coming from backwater places in the States or whereever and are not even streetwise in their own countries so when they come to the Philippines there is no hope! not only streetwise maybe even lifewise too who knows!
I have been in situations in the Philippines when i know im being told one thing! and something else is being said even though i did not know the language you just get that feeling. My advice is to learn Tagalog/cebuano etc so you know what is going on in business or relationships. Of course don’t let on that you can comprehend.
that can be fun!
The Philippines is a poor country with very friendly people and many are very genuinely friendly, they are not out to do you out of anything. Not everone is after your money i have been in situations where the filipino has insisted on paying!
From the girls side
What can you say, I feel sorry for the genuine girl that her family is that way, what can you do impossible situation for her. If the guy and girl genuinely loves each other then just live with distance between her family, best overseas!
There is a saying there that you marry the filipina you marry the family. You can fall over backwards to help a family and it will just be a waste of time if the family wont help themselves.
One story comes to mind (I have many)
guy married to filipina, filipina’s are fisher folk in surigao
they had a real old fishing boat that they fished in everyday
so the guy thinks that boat needs replacing, so he buys them
a spanking new boat so they can go out and fish further out to sea
and catch more fish and have a better lifestyle etc etc
well time went past and one day the guy asks his wife
hows the family doing back in surigao with that new boat.
Well she said they sold the boat because it was worth alot!
and they are now living off that money from the sell.
what happens when that money runs out!…..
end of story.
Only in the Philippines……….
# 25 AmericanLola said:
Thanks for your comments, Graham, sounds like you have a lot experience here in the Philippines! The story about the boat really rings true… So many piggery livelihood projects end in a birthday party.
Yes, from the guys side, it would be so much easier if you could understand the language (but sometimes ignorance is bliss!). And yes, often the girl is very much in the middle, which is not easy. That was the purpose of what I wrote, to help people, men especially, realize that a lot is going on he may not know about and that it is difficult for many of the girls to be in this situation. Thanks for you expansion on this topic.
# 26 mia said:
This post reaffirms my belief that LiP is truly a first of its kind, tackling issues as this in a whole new light. If only more people seeking love in the islands of the Philippines were to read this, maybe it could help alleviate some of the unpleasant experiences that many have reported. It reminds me of this link that I stumbled into from Filipina Images where a guy felt he was scammed by the very woman he promised himself he’d marry.
http://hospitalscams.blogspot.com/
Bob, you may remove the link if this is against any LiP policy but for me it was very interesting albeit saddening to read what happened to everyone involved in this story.
Thank you again, American Lola!
# 27 AmericanLola said:
Hi Mia, I went to the site and read pretty much the whole, ugly thing. Whew! And you know what? It probably was a scam… I think so only because of the IP address issue. But that guy was a scammer himself. He talked a lot about being able to trust people, but he documented his own extensive lies, beginning with those to his wife, and later to the girl. Here is a married man, ready to sell the house out from under his wife, having a fling with a girl in the Philippines, promising to marry her, sneaking and lying all the time. Then he is afraid people are lying to him, that he is being taken advantage of. What goes around, comes around. He went through an emotional hell, but it was of his own making.
Just think about how it all would have played out if he had not slept with that girl (however tempting). She could never have claimed to be pregnant with his baby, or all the other stuff that followed. She (and her family) would have owed HIM (for all the trips and food etc.), instead of the other way around. The scammers would have been grinding their teeth!
# 28 Bob said:
The guy who wrote that site contacted me a few weeks ago looking for me to promote it for him. My response to him was that he had been naive, and that I chose not to promote the site for him. As AmericanLola said, this guy got a lot of the same things he was dishing out.
# 29 mia said:
Bob and American Lola, I felt the same way and was shocked at the lengths he has gone to to publicize such a private affair. Again, please delete the link if it in anyway breaks any LiP policy.
# 30 Bob said:
Hi mia - No, I don’t mind leaving the link. Don’t worry….
# 31 Tim said:
Ok Bob - nice to hear from you again - that wasn’t quite what you said, but hey . . .
And anonymous Mia - I expect I’ve come across you before as well.
The lengths I have gone to “publicise” the affair - are simply because it is relevant to the Internet - I do not publicise it anywhere else.
I have my reasons for being devious in my home life - which none of you are privy to - however the girl involved in the scam knows it all too well.
It seemed to me like an opportunity to make a break - a dream come true.
Yes - I was foolish to fall for the sleeping with her - which I had not anticipated at all - and not to take precautions - but my mind was elsewhere - certainly not in the regions of being deceived so thoroughly.
I can only say that living through it - being aware of the timings, the content of communications - the impossibly convoluted excuses I got for not being able to deal with the hopital directly - and the dreadful doubt - for my love for her was genuine - it shouldn’t be allowed to happen to anybody else.
Especially as this one could quite possibly be on an industrial scale.
I have been determined to see it through - to wait for the conclusive proof - which arrived in the webcam revelation of the fake scar.
Working backwards from that point - it is easy to see that the whole affair was plotted from day one and incriminates all the people who corroborated the lies.
I am using the Internet to focus attention - as the usual luxury of anonymity is absent from this case.
How many people who have been scammed are left with no recourse whatsoever, devastated and bereft, keeping quiet out of shame or embarrassment?
The majority I expect. People need to know how this deception works - even when up close - confidence tricksters do just that - gain confidence. In this case - for a purely extortionate purpose.
It is not racist in any way - I am not generalising - but I do find that people have been rallying in support of the scammers - urged by them to attack my stand and try and shake my resolve.
I expect the post here is a direct result of that.
Hey - that’s bayanihan spirit for you.
# 32 Bob said:
Hi Tim - Honestly, because I have a fairly high profile on the net, I deal with thousands of e-mails every week. I may not recall the exact words that I told you without going and looking them up. I most likely was trying to be polite in my response to you. I will say, though, that I do find your actions to be naive. I also abhor what she and her cohorts did. In the end, though, I’m sorry to say, that you fell for some pretty obvious scamming. I am sorry this happened to you, but most of it would have been pretty easy to avoid, if you use the right part of your body to do the reasoning.
All I can say is good luck to you, and I hope you have a good life.
# 33 AmericanLola said:
Hi Tim, I wondered if you would comment here. I very much doubt that Mia has anything to do with your situation, and that seems like a rather paranoid innuendo.
I read your stuff, and I was not impressed with you, your character, or your common sense. I am surprised that a vicar would encourage you to commit adultery. And I question your definition of ‘genuine love.’ But Ten Commandments aside, you got yourself into that mess by making a whole string of foolish choices. While recording all the details of your conflicted emotions and the cheesy details of this affair, you also show your double-mindedness and willingness to tell elaborate lies yourself. I felt, while reading all this, that there is some need you have for the world to hear your sad tale and read your poetry. All that was not needed for just a warning.
The only thing that makes me think this was a scam was the consistent IP address, even when the girl said she was traveling. All the rest, even the blurry scar, could be real (but might not be). I find it hard to believe that the hospital and its staff would be involved in a deal like this, and do not find it hard to believe that the hospital would not email you the info you wanted. I’ve lived here a long time. Very few people email anything.
That said, yes, there are some scammers out there, and they prey on people who are naive (as Bob has said), and some good-hearted people are taken advantage of. But even more vulnerable, and for bigger scams, are people who get themselves into a compromising position, as you have done. So let’s warn men, not so much against certain scammers, but against making the same foolish mistakes you have made. You are an excellent bad example for others to learn from.
What about the foreign men who come over here, promise marriage and a new life, sleep around with the girls, get a girl pregnant or give her a disease and then disappear? Do you think that ever happens? What is their recourse? Who is warning girls about men like that? Who speaks up for them? When you compare the broken-hearted foreigners who lose some money, to the broken hearted girls who lose a lot more than money, it is the girls who get the worst deal by far.
# 34 Tim said:
Thank you American Lola - your reply oozes with sincerity.
I agree entirely with everything you say - especially the last point about recourse.
I admit to being devious myself - but unless you are privy to why I decided at that time to change the direction of my entire life - then you are not really free to comment on my actions.
Primarily - my writing and posting is exactly about recourse. In a world where there is bribery and corruption - our world, unfortunately - you cannot leave recourse to remote means.
Nobody was replying to my pleas for honesty - I did not understand the apathy at the time.
With the leverage my writing represented - because the people the other end did not have the luxury of anonimity - I had a way - simply to extend the communication. That was all I needed to get to the truth.
I needed that truth desperately. Not just suspicion - but truth.
American Lola - the video is not totally blurred at all - clear enough to see the ink of the scar being rubbed off by her thumb.
The frames you may have seen on the Internet are not the entire video by a long means. I am not going to let that out of my sight to be debated and excused - it is absolute proof - but it is a fragile proof - and in conjunction with all the other indescrepencies and inconsistencies gives me all that I need.
I am lucky to have that proof.
By implication therefore - all the other people named in the information I was given by the scammers are also involved - whether they like it or not. If thier names are being used without consent then I’m sure they would like to know.
I know it is ludicrous to put the entire hospital under suspicion - it only takes one person in a key position - responding or deflecting emails, phone calls - for the entire illusion to appear real.
It is all down to how it is perceived - if the determined result is to deceive - they might succeed.
A whole raft of fabrication has been put afloat - because they were aware of the potential hazard of my blogs being made public - but that was my only advantage. Without it, they would have just disappeared - along with my hopes for a resolution.
However - the manipulation has continued - which my attachment to the girl found very confusing - was she still obeying the master - doing his dirty work by proxy - in order for me to remove the incriminating blogs? Or was there anything genuine at all there?
I would have certainly forgiven anything - anything - but after such a total breakdown of trust - we were going round in circles.
One discovery followed another - lie upon lie - constant denial - even after I had proof positive. It was their game - they started it - I was simply joining in.
As to my paranoid innuendo - on another forum - only the other day - I received electronic confirmation (because, unusually it included the authors IP address) on the notification from the site that a comment had been posted.
The comment was writen in the name of the woman who started the particular section that I had posted on. Yet - the IP address (I have kept careful records of them) was from the marketing manager of the real estate firm. In his/her comment he denies knowing himself personally. Proceeding to try to convince me with more subterfuge and falsehood.
I warn, I deter and I hope to in some way alert the good people in the Philippines that their reputation is suffering because of people like this.
And I use the Internet - just as the scammers do - to do what needs to be done.
Thanks.
Tim UK
# 35 Tim Cumper said:
Hi again Bob - thanks for your honesty. You know, I am not in any way trying to diminsish my own responsibility in everything that happened, nor excuse my behaviour here at home.
I admit to being entirely naive - but I wasn’t aware that casting aside other people’s cynicism - hoping against the odds - that there are genuine, sincere people on dating sites - and realising that it cannot work without trust - was a crime.
The main difference between murder and manslaughter is recognised as the intent. The willful intent - the main difference between the pain that I caused around me - and the pain that I was caused. The way it was done in full awareness. I know I was a heel - at a difficult time - and I’m not going to divulge all my reasons, but as far as my dealings with the scammers - well what was I to do? Invite them to take confession? No - there seems to be only one language they understand. Have to play by their rules - as much as I despise myself for it.
It’s easy for someone on the outside to dismiss it as just another folly - I am showing in my blog what it’s like from the inside - how ambiguous, confusing, disruptive it all can be.
I understand entirely what American Lola says about from a girls point of view - in other cases - & I did allude to that in my blog - but I can only write my own story.
Thanks.
# 36 Bob said:
Hi Tim Cumper - Take a look and re-read what I wrote. I never said that there was any crime in what you did. I only said that your actions were naive. I think I was pretty clear about that.
# 37 Dex U. said:
Wow, this Tim guy is everywhere!!! He even has a post in Filipinaimages dot com and accuses noemi (one of the authors of the site) as one and the same person as the marketing manager (boss of the girl who supposedly scammed her). Talk about paranoia!!! I would not be surprised if he says I’m involved too! LOL!
He has dragged a lot of innocent people I think into this so called grand scam… Like all of those respected people and organisation would drag themselves into scamming him for a mere hundred thousand pesos.
And no wonder why nobody takes his blogs (a lot of it) seriously. He is starting to appear as a nutcase! Perhaps he is hoping somebody will pay him big bucks for his story???
# 38 AmericanLola said:
Hi Dex, I think he knows things have gotten kind of out of hand. He says he has gotten a different outlook and plans to take all that stuff down and move on with his life. I think that is a really good idea! It won’t take long for the thing to disappear into the internet universe, but I do hope the real scammers take a lesson from this.
# 39 Dex U. said:
Hi AmericanLola! I am hopeful too that the real scammers will learn from this. These scammers really affect lives of real people damaging them emotionally, financially, and it also paints a bad image to the country.
For Tim, I’m sorry for saying you are “starting to appear as a nutcase”. I just thought you were being paranoid as you seem to think that everyone is involved in that scam. Here’s hoping for your heart’s wound to heal and for you to move on and finally find true love.
# 40 rodel said:
Hi American LOla!
i read very carefully of of what you written,.that happened really to filipinos who has foriegner boyfriend,.i born in cebu but grew up in manila..
living in cebu is not easy as a lot of people living there are poor and so my family,.what makes me wonder is that,if one of our family member has foriegn boyfriend relatives and other people would think that we are rich already becuse one of our family members has foriegn boyfriend,..
that kind of situation really happends here in philippines,.but i my self realized over come with that kind of min as i work and support for my self,.
i can say thats part mostly of filipino culture to recieved and recieved,..
but i got my own way to change that insight for filipino i really hate those filipino members keep on asking from there family to help them yet they dont work for there selves,
i read all your blogs here and i really love all what i read here..
i hope your friends will overcome the problem with thier family.
i read more of your blogs..
# 41 AmericanLola said:
Hello Rodel, thanks you for taking the time to read these articles and give your comments! I really appreciate that you are working to take care of yourself! I think that more and more Filipinos are seeing the wisdom of working, budgeting and planning so that they don’t have emergencies all the time and need to ask for help from others.
It is still difficult because some people have a habit of depending on others to solve their problems, and this makes it difficult for everyone around them. Suzy wants to help her mom, but if she gives money to her mom for food, her dad just takes it and keeps it for himself. It is very sad, and I hope also that they can overcome their problems.
It makes me happy to know you will keep reading this blog, I hope you comment again!
# 42 rodel said:
Hi American Lola..
i understand that suzy would like to help her mother so am i,..
if only i can give my mother everything i will its just that in suzy’s case and mostly cases if you help and give only what you can some family members do take advantage and want to have more what you can give.
in suzy’s case sounds like his father is a drunker and “dump” sorry to use that term but i hate those kind of attitude because he is also giving bad image to the filipino people.
thank you
# 43 mixxy said:
these stories are so melodramatic, funny - but at the same time sad.
my husband sometimes see the mini-soap operas i watch at abs cbn and wonder why they are all so melodramatic, chaotic, with all the shouting, crying and laughing. i realize these soap operas really DO reflect the sad state of society in general.. hehe!
# 44 AmericanLola said:
Thanks for your comment, Mixxy, I guess the ‘human drama’ is the most dramiatic of all!
# 45 Phil R said:
This a good blog cause i was scamed but i didn’t fall for it .. i learned early that a true filipino woman will not ask for money . so when my first try asked for money i said no not untill i come over to see her .. then she made up a dumb excuse and quit chatting with me ..the second one i was chatting with [ now my wife ] never ask for money for anything ..then she was working as a house helper making 50 pasos a day for her aunt they lived in CDO so when i went to visit her we meet in cebu stayed there for 2 days then we took a ferry to cdo she rented a small apartment in bon bon for us . we were married 3 days later meet all of her relitives lawyers ,doctors ,enginers ,vice mayor all types of people armed guards very important people and they all have bodyguards ..the hotel we were marreid in was search by the police befor we were allowed to go in .and YES it was quite different for me ..and some of her relatives ask her for money ..she tells me everything they say or ask her for .. i could go on …………..Phil R
# 46 Ben said:
I have experienced this more than once - every girl I have interest in always wants me to come meet her family- (she wants to show of the young american that she has)… I have lived here Cebu for the last year and it’s the same thing each time… I play stupid and pretend that I don’t know how to speak visayan but in reality I know enough to understand what people are saying. While shaking my hand and smiling at me one of the girls fathers asked the girl to get money from me to buy him some tanduay and sprite - and then her older brother on his side said “and some chicken too!” - right off the bat! - Others have hinted towards family members in the hospital that need help … or water pipes that need to be connected… Most of the time, in my cases, the girls are embarrased but in some cases they try to play the game too…. In any case - this will happen 90% of the time unless you find a well off family - or a girl that has a decent job.
# 47 jepoy said:
hehehe, funny timmy guy. He even accused me of being part of the “bayanihan payola” at the filipinaimages blog.
# 48 Dex U. said:
Hi AmericanLola,
‘Just want to know your insight about this article:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=517821&in_page_id=1879
It’s about a case of a British guy who got involved with a Filipina who is still legally married though separated. The Filipino husband agreed to the anullment but when he saw a picture of his wife and the British guy in facebook, he got mad and filed an adultery case against them. The couple with their baby is now on the run and hiding from the police.
It’s one those “sad but it’s the law” cases, IMHO.
Thanks!
-Dex U.
# 49 AmericanLola said:
Thanks Dex, I went and read the article. What a mess! So many problems could be avoided by doing what is generally considered the ‘right thing.’
Here we have a man who comes to the Philippines and has unprotected sex with a woman who is still married (a woman who also has other children!). Surprise, surprise, she gets pregnant!
We have a married woman, the mother of several children, who comes home from Saudi to meet her British boyfriend at the airport, before even seeing her kids! Yes, she is having marriage problems, but her choices here are far reaching.
And we have a man whose wife is overseas working to support him and their children. He may not be a great husband. He may even have other women on the side, but he probably figures that if his marriage is annuled, at least his wife will be there to take care of their children. Now he realizes that she could run off with the Brit and disappear forever! AND she’s pregnant with this guy’s child on top of that, shaming him. What will happen to his kids? We have a nice picture with the article and much sentiment for the child of the Brit, but what about this woman’s other children, what will become of them? Will they be left to grandparents? Farmed out to aunts and uncle, become victims of abuse? This happens all the time, usually when one or both parents takes off with someone else, and the results are tragic.
This couple’s ‘love’ is hurting a lot of people.
# 50 Dex U. said:
Thanks AmericanLola! I never saw it in that way… I just focused on the Pinay, the Brit and their baby and forgot everyone else. Indeed, many were affected by their “love”.
# 51 Heidi said:
Very good points, American Lola. As much as one feels badly for them, one has to think about her other kids. It’s very sad.
# 52 anthony said:
Hi, AmericanLola!
Very interesting to read, and at the same time it’s a very sensitive matter for anyone who has a certain connection with the people in the Philippines…
I myself have a Filipino wife, and as for us, I believe, we have been living together ok to date.
I have a brother-in-law who is in his early twenties and healthy but jobless… Of course he wakes up early in the morning and does help his parents with the household chores, but it seems that he is not really serious about looking for a job so he can stand on his own feet and start a family as a mature man (if he really wants to). I think it’s high time that he could start doing that for his age. I’m not saying that he is that kind of guy; he has never asked me for money or things, and he is actually a good boy but unfortunately less confident…
I do not want to call it just another culture because I believe it’s a matter of maturity and life itself. My wife says that there are quite a number of ‘mother’s boys in the Philippines, and knowing them myself, I sometimes feel the same way. Do you think it’s got something to do with that?
In a country like mine, Japan, if you are jobless, you would probably go to a place like a job centre run by the government where you can search for suitable jobs and some training courses are provided. It does not necessarily guarantee you employment but could give you some information, links with the outside world including prospective employers, and most importantly hope and courage.
I asked my wife some time back if there’s a job centre in/around Davao City, but she said she’s not sure. I am just wondering if there are job centres in the Philippines just as in some other countries. Do you know anything about it?
Anyway, life is life; reality is reality; and the show must go on… You’ve got to do something for your loved ones to protect them.
# 53 CHAS said:
Hi American Lola,Interesting subject you touched upon which has created much interest.Suzys predicament is indeed a very difficult one. I can only really give insight to my experience.I had been divorced 10yrs,no children,when i had the desire to embark on a long term and fulfilling relationship (but i was in no rush).I had worked and travelled extensively thr’out Asia in my tours of duty(ex RN).I had built an admiration for Asian culture,food,not least the charming ladies.I have long term friends of both sexs in Malaysia and Singapore(platonic friends only) many who over the years have visited me for holidays and vice versa.I made the decision that i wished to have an Asian wife.I was pretty pc illiterate at the time i started my quest,joined penpal clubs,unfortunatly encountered a few catalogue clubs similar to those Klaus mentioned.However is was not working so i forgot about it.Later i learnt how to use pc,bought my own and presto i’ve net access.I joined a couple of Net sites,wow, what a minefield.6 months went by chatting to 100s of ladies,scammers,time waster chatters etc from various countries.I soon learnt not to chat with anyone who was not on webcam, as i was.At least then you have idea of whom you are talking to,they also.Fortunatly i had done much research and being street/world wise managed to spot scams pretty quickly.I was not meeting anyone i seemed to click with and was on the verge of giving up for a while and taking a rest (its very time consuming,not to mention the time difference).Then i received a nice email from a teacher from Mindanao.I hardly knew where it was as Phils was one of the few places i had never visited.From our first chat we hit it off as if we had known each other for years and shared similar interests.We chatted once a week on the net,emails,occassional phone calls and written letters/birthday cards etc.After 6 months our friendship was strong and getting stronger,i decided to visit her,that would take another 6mths,organizing 4wks off work etc(i did not see the point in travelling all that way for shorter period).However within that period,i was made work redundant which scuppered my plans temporarily.Eventually new job,finally 2yrs later i arrive in Mindanao.Needless to say my visit was a huge success.In the previous 2yrs many doubts went thro my mind.Will she get fed up waiting,will i get fed up,can we bridge the cultural differences,not least the age difference,we openly discussed these doubts.On my 2nd visit some 6mths later we were engaged,another 8months on we were married in Phils.Now we are both very happy in the UK.During all this time i spent 100s of hrs researching Filipina culture so i could understand any problems we may encounter.My wife use to get upset in the early days when people knew she had a foreign bf,comments like,u should ask him to send you money and gifts etc,she never asked me for anything,her parents have never asked me for anything, although later i would send small ammounts to pay for net cafe/phone calls etc.Some aunts,cousins have tried to pressure her to ask me for money,but we have a way of dealing with that.Yes it is quite normal for filipina’s to help support their parents.(I touch on this in previous post on Feymas blog “The life that ones thought” #22).On reflection of our early days some thoughts come to mind.”Always go in with your eyes wide open”"Dont be blinded by what u may think is love” “Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread”"”Patience is a virtue”"TRUE love always finds a way”.My wifes reflection,” When we first met on the net,i knew you were a gentleman,you were the only man who did not ask me to stand and show my figure,or ask me to show my breasts”.I conclude.There are good and bad on both sides of the ocean.I hope my story is helpful and of interest.Regards Chas.
# 54 AmericanLola said:
Hello, Anthony, I appreciate your comments! I wish there were something like the job center you describe. Over the years, it has been heartbreaking to see so many young people, especially young men, finish college, only to end up doing nothing. I think there are several problems that create this problems. First, not much is required of boys in the family, as a general rule. Girls in poorer families help their mothers and begin doing meaningful work fairly early, but most boys are not given much to do. Lack of motivation and immature outlook is excused with a ‘boys will be boys’ attitude. Second, sometimes a college education can actually be a liability. A fellow who has a degree but no connections cannot get a job in his field, and it would be a disgrace for a guy with a college degree to do anything less than what that degree qualifies him to do, so he does nothing. And third, one rarely can get a job without a ‘backer,’ someone in a position to get him the job. There is no shortage of young men looking for a job, but very few jobs available. It is a sad situation. Girls have an easier time getting a job, especially if they are attractive looking. That’s just the way is is.
Chas, I really appreciated what you wrote. You are so right in the axioms you gave. Circumstances made you wait, and waiting proved the strength of your relationship. I think you story is very helpful! I hope many read it and benefit from the wisdom of your experience!
# 55 phil r said:
ha ha ha Hey Chas you are so right ..my wife is just like your’s is …asik for nothing and u shall recive everything ..
# 56 stoney said:
I have a question. What is the true fate of most single mothers there that have been duped by a married man only to be left on their own pregnant?
I ask that question in relation to a comment made by my sister in-law after my wife and I got married. She stated to me ” thank you for saving my sister you know what I mean”
Now before anyone reads too deeply into that comment I just want to state that my wife and I approached our relationship very much in the same way as Chas.
We were both single parents so we both understood the gravity of any decisions we made in relation to our future. Thus creating a deep wonderful understanding, respect, caring and commitment to our vows.
It is her story that hurt my heart so much in what she went through after a married co-worker (unknown to her) seduced her impregnated her and left her to her own devices. I can only imagine the pain she felt when the man you thought you were going to marry and live happily ever after gives you the news “oh by the way I am married and you are now pregnant? see you later”.
Now my wife coming from a prominent very catholic family, being the oldest sibling had alot of responsibility culturally as one already knows. After her situation was found out by the elders and her parents she was literally shunned from the family unit.
She had to stay at a boarding house for unwed mothers and from what iI understand go through the birth on her own where she almost died. throughout all of this no support from the father of the child.
Afterwards she found employment in the city but had to keep the fact that she was a single mother hidden from her employer. Throughout this time she reconciled with the elders of the family and has a good relationship again and by the way that was before we ever met.
Now from all that experience my wife has built up an inner strength that I cherish very much. It has given her a sense of independence that is very refreshing to me but yet she keeps a most beautiful sense of family even after all that she has been through.
ButI remember her telling me before that she will never be a second ever again. she told me that to ensure that i would be faithful to her for I am and always will be. She also stated that she thought she would be an old maid and never marry or be in another relationship. Obviously after what she had been through who would want to lol.
Anyways we are married both single parents at one time now a loving couple that respect each other deeply. That is a small picture of where my question is coming from maybe I do already know. But i always like to see the answer through others eyes from their own experience.
# 57 Klaus Doring said:
Dear American Lola and hi to all of you, I am late posting my comment here: but after all I can just repeat what i commented on Feyma’s site: my wife Rose and I got the same “problems” long time ago. Meanwhile we are facing our Silver Wedding Anniversary, and everybody in the family is happy and satisfied. everybody is standing on his/her own feet (after some pre-financing cases!). if your Filipina wife (or Filipino husband) agrees with “some meetings and arrangements”, everything will be fine. Am I naive? Maybe. but in our case, it works….
# 58 AmericanLola said:
Thank you for your question, Stoney. “I have a question. What is the true fate of most single mothers there that have been duped by a married man only to be left on their own pregnant?”
It often times depends on the family of the girl. The poorer the family, the more the impact of another mouth to feed and child to educate. Many families (especially the parents of the girl) show anger and punish and shun/shame the girl, even in the event of a wedding, but this usually only lasts until the grandchild is born. Then things are forgiven. But in reality, having a child out of wedlock greatly reduces her chances of marrying in the future. Many women in this situation end up leaving their child to be raised by others and go to work abroad to support the child and her family at home.
# 59 gussy said:
Bob Seems funny that you disagree with these introduction ads,but still do it. Which brings us back to money. I guess EVERYONE does have a price
# 60 gussy said:
I find it very sadening,to think that the dedicated & hard working filipinas have to hold that poor country togather. While the so called men force the women to take the front line.
# 61 Bob said:
Hi gussy - What do you mean that I still “do it” when you talk about introduction ads? I am not affiliated with any introduction services in any way. I have never endorsed any introduction service. I have also never said that I am against all introductions services. In fact, there are some that I do feel are good, and do a good job. I don’t endorse them in any way, though.
Frankly, gussy, you are wrong in what you say. By the way, when I say things I put my name on them, and I am open, not hiding behind some moniker like you do.
# 62 gussy said:
Bob. People call me Gussy for Guy. My X had a kid out of wedlock. I always had to ask myself. How many men she had to sleep with,before she finally got pregnant. Honestly a 2yr. internet relationship she has probably gone through 5 more boyfriends in the mean time. Nieve?
# 63 Bob said:
Hi Gussy - You see, the reason that I was upset is because in your previous comment you basically said that I had sold my integrity, and it is not the case. Firstly, I have no monetary interest in any online dating site, and never have. Secondly, I have never said that I am against “all” such online sites, and you said that I had said that I was. Thirdly, while there are some such introduction services that I feel are OK, I don’t endorse any such service. I have never endorsed any such service. I have never even implied that I endorse such a service.
Yet, you say that I sold out. Frankly, it kind of upsets me when you judge me, and have no facts to back you up. I hope you understand. I have not said anything bad about you, and I have no idea why you accused me of being a sell-out.
# 64 Genelyn said:
My concerned is i dont have work now. I would like you to help me to look an employer as a stay-in cook/housemaid to your foreign friends.
Hope to hear from you…
best regards!!!