AmericanLola

After living in the Philippines for so long, we are used to the fact the our Christmas packages will not be here until some time between January and March. Our friends and family tend to believe the fine people in the US Postal Service when they say that a package mailed December 11th, Global Priority, will surely arrive before Christmas. Wishful thinking on everyone’s part! But it used to be worse. It used to be that Christmas packages would not arrive until March or April, unless someone took our advice seriously and actually went shopping and mailed the package in September. Didn’t happen.

But you should know that packages coming through the post office arrive on a ‘first in, last out’ basis. Once it gets to Manila (especially during Christmas) the packages stack up in their warehouse. My parents mailed this package on December 11th and it arrived January 10th. This is the first package we have gotten (in 20 years) that was this badly damaged, probably because no attempt was made to lessen the smell of that delectable Belgian, Dark Chocolate from Trader Joe’s. Rats ate through the package from both ends, but when it was discovered, the package was taped up and sent on its way. The photo, the chocolate and the mini video adaptor they sent were all present and accounted for. And of course, after breaking off the teeth marks, we are eating the chocolate!

We lived in Gingoog City for 12 years. Our work was primarily among the poor in that city. A friend of ours, Bert, needed to have surgery for a hernia. His livelihood was buying and carrying a couple buckets of fish up into the mountains everyday, and selling them there. The hernia had become a problem. At this time, the Committee of German Doctors was doing clinics and immunizations in our city, so we encouraged Bert to go to them for his surgery. All went well and he was admitted to the Provincial hospital.

Three days later we were contacted by Bert. He could not leave the hospital! There was a huge bill to pay, and until it was paid by the German Doctors, he could not leave! My husband went to the hospital to find out what was going on. When he talked to the lady in the billing department, she showed him the bill. Every cotton ball was listed and charged, and the cost was way over what it should have been! When he asked her why it was so high, she shook her head and said, “It is because of doctor Matilda. They will not let Bert out until the German Doctors pay all this bill. Doctor Matilda really came here and made a problem!”

Oh dear, who is this doctor Matilda, and what could she have done to upset the whole hospital? We pictured a large, Brunhilda, bossy and aggressive… American Lolo went to the place where the German doctors were staying. We knew the place because whenever we could, we invited the visiting doctors to go snorkeling and have breakfast with us during their stay. He explained our problem with getting Bert out of the hospital, and we met doctor Matilda.

Doctor Matilda turned out to be a petite, delightful, fun, friendly and wonderful person! We ended up becoming good friends, and she has visited us several times since, and we plan to be in her home in Germany this coming summer. She was horrified to find that she had caused a problem at the hospital, but here is what had happened.

She and her companions were doing immunizations and clinics way up in the mountains above Gingoog. In the course of the clinics, she saw a man with a very bad skin condition. She and her fellow German doctors had given a supply of medicines to the Provincial hospital (part of the good things they do) and so she knew that the medicine this man needed was there. She told him to go there and get the medicine. She wrote a note saying it should be given to him. Two weeks later, when she was back in the same place, here came the same man with no improvement of his skin condition. She asked if he had applied the medicine she had told him to get. He replied that he had paid to go down to Gingoog and had gone to the provincial hospital, only to be told there was no stock for that medicine. She couldn’t believe it! She KNEW the medicine was there! She felt terrible that this man was not only still suffering, but that he had wasted what little money he had to run a fools errand upon which she had sent him!

When she got back to town, she went to the Provincial hospital and told them what had happened, and how upset she was! She looked them all in the eye, especially the director and the head of the pharmacy. She pointed and shook her finger as she talked.  She caused the dignitaries of the local Provincial hospital to lose face. Now they would make the German Doctors pay for their humiliation, and would show them who had the upper hand! Bert was the only patient in the hospital under the German Doctors program, so he became the tool for their getting back at them.  “They said they would pay? Well! We will make them pay, alright!”

When my husband explained to Doctor Matilda what had happen, and the cultural implications of how she had handled the problems at the hospital and its consequences, she felt terrible! She had not been given any significant cultural orientation before coming, and had not realized how her lecture would be received. She and her director went to the heads of the Gingoog Provincial Hospital, and Doctor Matilda offered a very humble apology to all concerned. It was accepted, and Bert was released from the hospital with no further charges. Doctor Matilda continues to come to the Philippines with German doctors when she can.

…and it’s not too late to oil the wheels of relationships with a little gift giving. My husband was out yesterday delivering little gifts of chocolate to the bank tellers who had been especially helpful to him this year, and to the ladies who have helped us at the post office.When there was a language school in Butuan and a constant stream of foreigners were collecting mail from the same post office box, we all baked a batch of cookies and took them in for all the post office employees to enjoy. Later we took calendars to all the postal employees when we lived in Gingoog. We have always gotten extra special service in the restaurant where we give a little cash gift at Christmas for all the waiters and workers.So, those of you who live in the Philippines, think about expressing a little special appreciation for those who have given you good service this last year. It will be remembered!Suggested gifts: Toblerone chocolate, small cheese balls, calendars, small fruit baskets, breads or cakes.

As Westerners, we do not know what this means. We use the words ‘embarrassed,’ ‘shy’ and even ‘ashamed,’ but none of these come close to the meaning behind the words in Filipino languages that are translated to the English words mentioned above. The Philippines, as well as other Asian countries, have a predominately ‘Shame/Honor’ culture.  This means that interactions at all levels are about people being treated with respect, and people being honored appropriately and preserving each others ‘face.’ It is also about avoiding dishonor, avoiding situations where one would look foolish, or have their ignorance exposed, or be made to look small, or be exposed as having no power, or being made the brunt of ridicule, etc. To have any of these things happen is to lose face. Losing face has driven people to leave a job, to move to another city, to drop out of school, to get into a big fight, to stab someone, to exact subtle revenge and to commit suicide. Honor and shame are serious business. Losing face is like a punch to the solar plexus, and can cause an entire family or clan to rise up in anger on behalf of the injured party.

When we Westerners get into an argument with a fellow Westerner, the issues are usually about who did what, who is right and who is wrong, guilt or innocence, winning or losing. Shouting or name calling is considered rude and poor form, but not equivalent to a stabbing. A Westerner who doesn’t like the way he is being treated by someone says, “He’s got a problem!” or “Who needs this?” or “I’m outta here!” We may get our feelings hurt, but for the most part, we can decide not to make it personal in one way or another by thinking, “He was having a bad day!” or “We won’t talk about that topic again.” or “He’s got an anger problem” etc. We like to win an argument, we like to be treated with respect, but these things to not determine ‘who we are’ in society. The things that really push our button are when people infringe on what we consider ‘OUR RIGHTS,’ or when we are falsely accused of committing some wrong. East meets west when the thing we have done wrong is a serious offense here, and not an offense at all in our home country, like causing someone to lose face. We don’t get it. We can’t believe that such a small thing as calling someone an idiot, or tapping a flight attendant on the head with a magazine, rebuking the lady who cuts in line, or telling the bank manager what you think of the system would even matter! We feel falsely accused and proceed to demand our rights…. And make things much worse.

This whole issue of losing face and our difficulty as Westerners in understanding it is complicated by the Filipino social rule that demands ‘smooth interpersonal relationships’ (SIR). The Westerner can be sailing along, offending people right and left, and not have a clue. Why? Because people keep smiling and acting like everything is just fine. All the Filipinos in the situation will know what is going on, because to them, the signs are obvious: smiles that are ‘plastic’ and never reach the eyes, tight body movements, short sentences, avoiding eye contact, avoiding social contact, eye-rolling behind the back, and often, increased requests or demands (to make you pay for what you did). Think about it. What if this is going on with several members of a family, and the wife is trying to help her husband understand by saying things like, “ I think you hurt my father’s feelings.” Or “Maybe my brother didn’t like what you said to him.” But the clueless foreign husband blows it off saying, “What? I didn’t say anything to him! We were just talking, for pity sake! Why is he so sensitive? He needs to get a grip!”  Things will go from bad to worse.

A learner’s attitude is in order here and a little humility. If you find yourself in this sort of situation, believe the person telling you there is a problem, and be grateful. Don’t defend yourself. Accept the fact that you are pretty clueless. Ask questions until you have an idea of who is offended and why. Realize that you will probably never understand how that person feels, or ever feel that way yourself, but if you value the relationship, you need to take responsibility for that person’s feelings and apologize for what you said or did (even if it doesn’t seem wrong). Lose a little face yourself. Pride and bluster will not win the day.

In the next couple posts I will tell some “East meets West” stories which you may find interesting and helpful.

Klaus had an article last week on this topic and I had what I thought was an interesting comment to post when a brown out lost it for me. So, here’s the pie, from my American perspective!

 I enjoy a good sense of humor, and what different cultures consider funny is a fascinating thing to think about. I do not claim to have a complete understanding of Filipino humor, but here are some things I have observed.

 1. Filipinos love jokes involving a ‘play on words’ especially ones that involve English and another Filipino language, or about people making funny mistakes with English.

 Examples:

 What is this? (Holding your right hand out, wiggling your fingers to the left.) Answer: Pusit (octopus). And what is this? (Holding the left hand out, wiggling the fingers to the right) Answer: Opposite.

 A tourist was visiting the Philippines and his hosts were pleased to give him many of the local fruits, which he really enjoyed. At the end of his stay he told his friends, “Of all the bananas I have ever eaten, I like saging the best!”   This one is always good for a laugh!

 Erap, when he won the vice presidency was supposed to have declared, “I told you I would win by a landscape!” There are many jokes about politicians who mangle English in funny ways.

 Like the fellow in Agusan Sur, Manuel Dela Plaza, who didn’t have a lot of English, but was a well known politician. He had a speech writer who wrote his speeches in English. One day he was addressing an assembled group of educators and began his speech, “Good morning to you all, teachers, principals and administrators. Smile at the audience from time to time.”

 2. There are many, many jokes involving priests, nuns, prayer and all things Catholic. Here is a joke which my friends found hilarious every time they told it, and after several repeats, I still can’t find the humor in, at least not to warrant the kind of enjoyment it invoked in my friends!

 A man went to buy a parrot from a priest. (A lot of jokes also contain parrots) The priest told the man that it was a very religious parrot, and showed him that when you raise the right foot of the parrot, it would say the ‘Our Father’ and if you lifted the left foot, it would say a grace for the meal. The man was impressed and bought the parrot from the priest. When he took it home he tried it himself. Sure enough, when he lifted the right foot, the parrot recited the ‘Our Father,’ and when he lifted the left foot, it said a grace for a meal. Then he lifted both feet and the parrot shouted, “Animal! (bad insult) Put me down!” [uproarious laughter…]

 Here is another: A little boy went to church and prayed, asking God to give him a bicycle, within four days, by Friday. Everyday he prayed and reminded God how many days were left. Friday came and went, and he had no bicycle. Saturday he went to the church, to the statue of Mary, put his arm around the statue and held a knife to her throat and prayed, “Listen God, I’ve got your mother!”

 3. There are a lot of jokes about handicapped people which people think are really funny. In a culture that defines and describes people by their most prominent attribute (the fat one, the dark one, the short one, the bald one, the crippled one, the harelip, the ugly one, the one with pimples, etc. I guess this is understandable. In our culture we do our best to pretend that no one is in any way different from anyone else, to the point of denial. I never thought any of these jokes were funny. One I remember was also a play on words, using the word ‘bugtot’ which means hunchback and making it come out ‘book taught’ in a sentence.

 4. Filipinos do not use sarcasm or irony in their humor. Americans (and probably Brits) use a lot of sarcasm and irony, and it is not understood or well received here. When we make comments  like, “Oh, right! I’d love that!” when we mean the exact opposite, it doesn’t fly. Or when we say of a bad experience, “I’d love to do that every day of the week!” it makes no sense. Sarcastic remarks come across as negative and maybe even a little mean. Jokes that have ironic or sarcastic punch lines fall flat.

 5. Dirty jokes are called ‘green jokes.’ People find it very amusing to compare various body parts to fruits and vegetables.

 Bruce mentioned that most of the jokes he told to Elena’s family did not get the desired response, and gave an example of one such joke: “One cannibal says: I hate my mother-in-law. The other cannibal says: Never mind, just eat the vegetables.”

 I can think of a couple things that might have made this not seem funny. First, we use the word ‘hate’ very freely, but here, people would generally not say that they hated a food. If the first cannibal had said, ‘I don’t like my mother-in-law,” you might have gotten a laugh. The other thing is that people here do not tell ‘mother-in-law’ jokes. Mothers-in-law are serious business; called ‘Mama’ and respected, even if they cause problems. So, if you had changed it to the neighbor, or a member of a disrespected minority, you would probably have had a laugh.