Now in the West we appear to judge a lie a little different from a lie here in the Philippines as the line between a lie here and the truth is so different.
In the Philippines the culture here is not to lose face and this in itself causes many misunderstandings and communication errors that we in the West get annoyed about and in the main the locals cannot understand what all the fuss is all about.
Examples.
You have an appointment and no one shows, despite you going out of your way to be there on time the answer is normally that the person who did not show insists they said “maybe yes they will be there”, which after a while you learn it means I am not coming but I do not want to say the word NO outright.
Example
You have appointment and after twenty minutes they have not arrived so you call and they say they are on the way, you make several other calls over the next two hours and your blood boils as you cannot understand why a twenty minute journey is taking the person two hours as they are “on the way.”
Well here “On the way” here means that they intend to be leaving soon and if though they intend to do that they may have to do other things on the way, this does not mean always rudeness its just the way it is.
On the way means meet friends and have lunch pay the bills and go see a friend.
Example
The word “YES” does not always mean YES as especially with foreigners the locals always want to please you and will say YES to many things, even if they do not understand, or have no intention of doing that you must read the eyes and body language, this will help…sometimes.
Now if you are a Filipino and you have the same conversation you will understand by body language and by years of sharing the same culture that the person saying YES means NO, but does not want to lose face in front of you, but has told you by his eyes and by other means and he knows you accept that as you do not want to embarrass him.
Confusing??..YES will I ever get used to a little lie? I probably will not as in the West a mans word is what defines him, so our culture see a lie for whatever reason as a bad thing, but some lies here are ok, its understood and its fine. OR IS IT?
About John
“Would I lie to you?”, asks Annie Lennox.
Yes, John, most may be guilty of those all in the name of not”losing” face. Some may be even downright deceitful. I don’t have to tell you to stay away from those. I grew up in the city so I kind of gravitate to people who tell things like it is. When I had the chance to fraternize with people from the provinces, I noticed they were not as fortright as I thought they would be. Their lack of candor extends to their use of euphemisms, they say “pahiram” (can I borrow) when they meant “pahinge” (can I have some). Watch out for those. That said John, not only it behooves you to read signals but it reserves you the right to speak up when you feel being cheated. If the person is worth your friendship, then he maybe considerate to your feelings next time.
John,
The think about saying yes and losing face confuses you.
Example:
You meet someone and mention a need. The person says they know different people that can help you and names them or their title.
A moth or so later you contact them and ask if any reply from their contacts and they say “I am busy and do not have the time to contact them”
Now, you caught them in a lie and lose of face. If face is so important, why do they set themselves up for the loss?
I didn’t really grew up in the Philippines but i am filipino and I know what you mean. Sometimes it gets hard to call them when you see they are late because its acceptable being late in the Philippines .
My wife ( filipina) was habitually late when we first dated and married, It got to the point if I said we should be leaving in 15 minutes I left..with or without her…this happened a few times and she would always complain that this is not how pinoys are..i told her everytime “welcome to America “. Now she gets very agitated when she goes home and has to deal with “pinoy time”. She is pretty westernized and understands that in the rest of the world its best to be on time.
The Yes when it means no is an issue that confounds me often, as an american i appreciate a direct and honest answer regardless if it is a yes or no.
Hi John: Funny, how I can relate to your article and to Brian’s comment above. As a Filipino, it’s so easy for me to catch a fellow countryman who’s lying. On the other hand, it’s also become a sort of habit for me to tell small “white lies” – not only to save face, but also to avoid offending another person. Luckily, now, difficult as it may seem for someone who’s programmed to lie, I am learning from expat friends from the West that honesty is the best way to go. Maybe even the only way. (I am beginning to feel guilty about saying even the most inconsequential fib.)
As Goethe said: “What is uttered from the heart alone will win the hearts of others to your own.” Indeed.
I have been in Davao couple of times. I am from Gulf Arab country. Apart of been in Filipina I have been in Europe infect I study in UK.
Found hard to understand Philippine culture, there are saying when you take remember to give. The life is to TAKE and to GIVE.
In UK if you offer some one drink definitely he/she will offer you back a drink, and will appreciate may tell you that you are kind.
My question is, do Philippines trust some one and appreciate your offer.
I have learnt during my time in the Philippines that indeed “I am on my way” can actually mean, “I am still at home and just about to get ready to make my way to you.” Indeed, somebody that lives 10 minutes away can “be on their way” for 2 hours. It does get very confusing and frustrating at times, particularly if there are deadlines to be kept.
Of course it is to do with cultural difference and the good thing is, with friends, both parties can attempt to take each others feelings into account and meet each other halfway. Thats the best scenario.
For us guys from Europe, taking such a long time and being late in such a way is sloppy and lazy and displaying a disregard for the other person.
Maybe to the filipino we are being too strict and hung up on time keeping.
Either way, we can learn from each other and hopefully all remain friends.
Roy
Thanks for the advice and I am sorry to say I have already come across some of the not so good people in my stay here and I have to learn to read the signs better.
Bruce
Same as you Bruce but by saying they are busy is I think saying we cannot help you but again not wishing to tell you that by losing face.
Reden
Lateness here is so confusing as it seems to be socially acceptable to be late on some things and not others.
I have noticed if money is owed some people arrive early lol
Brian
So agree with the direct yes or no answer, but one of the downsides in living in such a great country is that WE don not yet fully understand the cultural rules…and maybe never will
Migs
White lies have the ability to grow and grow and that is when expats start to question everything that is being said here. What is a white lie but a foundation for a bigger one.
Ahmed
To be honest I very rarely get a drink bask and when you sit down to dinner yours is the only wallet that seems to come out even if its agreed before everyone pays their own. I now adapt to not to go out in large groups. The other side of the coin is if you go to someones home even unexpected they will give you the food of their plate!!!
Steve
One of the things I was told yesterday was that being late is also a subconscious thing of power or even that the person who is late does not really think you are that important to meet on time.
Hi John,Its a confusing cultural difference.As you will know,in the West it is considered disrespectful to be late.Although respect is highly valued in Filipino culture it does not seem to stretch to appointments,regards Chas.
John — aha, so there is an element of disrespect there sometimes, mmmmm, we are not so unalike then.
I too have recently learned about the little lies.. I know many parts of the country are poor, but I wonder,.. do lies also include love? Can a man trust a woman fully he had met online? Can a man trust a women that he sends her needs to to be fully faithful to him? After all, I am 12,000 plus miles away and never been there before. I know lies are easy for many because in many ways in many parts of the county they have a very poor quality of life. Sometimes in my search, the lies have been to much for me to handle. I feel very distrusting to many pinay when they tell me they love me.. am I wrong to not trust all? I’m not trying to make comparisons because each woman is different, but I am offering to send a woman to school for her education and wish to marry her some day. She has promised me she will be my wife, but can i truly believe her? How can I trust a woman when so many I have talked to in the past have lied to me? Do they lie about true love too?
Hi Ben Green-
Ben
I can sense the hurt in your reply, however I can tell you that its a fact of life here that many people will tell you anything to get something.
No its not everyone and I have great friends here but I learnt the hardway, I suggest you set tests or even traps and it will be a quick way to know if you have a truthful person or not. GOOD LUCK