When to challenge and when not to
I have become very aware that as a guest in this fine country, that it can be daunting when to say something in a situation, or just to leave it , as you will only cause more problems for yourself or look a fool when your blood boils over.
I am often told that Filipinos do not like to complain and in the main I believe that to be true, except I think the more money you have the more you see more Filipinos complaining, especially in Manila, but not so much where I live in Mindanao.
This week I was shopping, and as always I ensure my iPod is strapped to my ear and playing ,as the checkout procedures can be a little challenging, even with the excellent packers at each till working very hard. The problem is mostly with coupons, method of payments and recording of items on the till and on paper. So I accept it and listen to a few tracks until , eventually its my turn.
This week I went to the “Basket only” checkouts, but as I walked forward a very determined lady pushed her trolley in front of me full to the brim, followed behind by two employees carrying cases of drinks. Remember this is “basket only.”
I just gritted my teeth and ignored it, mainly as no one else said anything and I did not want to be the silly foreigner complaining.
Then my landlady walked up with her basket and immediately said to the cashier, why is this happening, this is a basket only checkout and this lady was holding up many other customers, to which a groan of agreement from the queue supported her words. The cashier just put her head down, but the determined customer said she was in a hurry. As she said this ,another employee came to the checkout carrying tubs of ice cream to be added to this ladies shopping.
I must not get hassled!!!!
I let out a laug , this led to other customers making “tut tut “noises, not sure if it was at me or the determined shopper, and then my landlady said something in Tagalog and moved to another checkout.
The lady behind me, who was well dressed asked me if my landlady was a nice lady. I of course replied yes and she said she loved her attitude, and wish she could be as strong as her and complain. I was surprised as although everyone supported the complaint, nobody else would initiate the complaint.
I explained that my landlady had spent several years abroad, to which my fellow shopper said “Oh, that explains it.”
Now, why does no one complain? Is it because the assumption is that the person is powerful,aggressive or is t that complaining in the Filipino culture has never moved things forward, the absolute opposite to the west point of view.
What do you think?
John: I’ve written this before, but I think that if more Filipinos complain to management (NOT the underpaid workers), poor service will improve if they vote with their wallets. I honestly think that this type of stuff is the result of poor wages and lack of empowerment, rather than lack of complaints. The cashier’s shamed reaction says it all… Perhaps she would change things if she could. But she risks a much-needed job is she speaks up.
Hi John – Early recorded observations of Filipinos engaged in such conflict, as well as observations in later centuries, all basically conclude the same thing: A Filipino would rather receive a severe physical beating than a tongue-lashing. Words are so powerful here that many avoid using them to the same extent (or greater) they’d try to avoid physical harm. A complaint would most likely fall in the categor of powerful words that would hurt.
Too, I agree with John M in that the cashier, thinking discretion the better part of valor, withheld from confrontation and, in her mind, saved her job.
John & Paul,
How about filipino bana and filipina asawa? I have heard some good tongue lashing between family members. Also, I have seen mga inahan (many mothers) give a good tongue lashing to their anak.
Hello.Living in Samal a small island i dont experence that behavior,but going to Davao it does happen.My wife having lived in the U.S.for six years wont stand for it.If this does happen i try to smile while she works it out.Living in america has changed her i think in a good way.She considers others feelings but will not stand for rude behavior.That lady knew she was wrong but managed to get her way and maybe its a habit with her.She needs to meet my wife.Jim.
Melanie is from Davao, and when a Manila taxi driver refused to return my change. I was ready to take it from him. When Melanie grabbed my hand, and said it’s not worth it. Being a foreigner I told the driver it was his lucky day. He just smiled, and to this day it bothers me. There needs to be repurcussions for bad behaviour.
Now after living in the USA for seven years with extensive travel across the country. Sailing in & out of the Bahamas & Caribbean. Melanie has changed drastically. She will not allow anything substandard be served to her. She won’t allow some one to cut in line.
She has taken this new attitude back to the Phils with her too. The surprised looks, and questions from her family amuse her. She was once shocked when I sent food back, and asked for it to be cooked further. She told me in the Phils you just have to accept it….lololol….she doesn’t do that any more. She doesn’t belittle the person, and does it in a nice way, but she gets her point across with a smile. I did warn her that when the food disappears you never know what will happen to it in the back, so let every one keep face, and be kind in your request.
I am afraid I would’ve had to point out the basket only sign, and if she had replied she was in a hurry. I would have responded with, and so am I, and not allowed the basket in………i2f
Hi John,
That cart lady is rude very rude and a bully. I have noticed that in the Philippines people tend to have this attitude, undesciplined and people tend to just ignore it if the person looks aggressive and rich.
This might also be due “colonial mentality” and “Rich and Poor Syndrome”. Filipinos that are poor thinks that they are below the rich and the rich thinks they are better than the poor. Very victorian era thinking.
When the Spanish and then the Americans left the Philippines, the mestizo’s (half-spanish), then the newly american educated filipinos took over the colonial power left behind. They acted worst than the colonizers, hence the “I am better than you attitude” of the rich. If you observe Filipino shows and movies, it is usually poor versus rich which is kinda sad. Being a maid or boy in the Philippines means you are in the lowest caste. Very wrong in my opinion. My mom treats our help as family.
The Philippine culture in ancient times has a caste system, this attitude of not complaining might be due to all of the above. Filipinos also have a habit of letting go of things too much compared to the west where the exact opposite of not letting go. Filipinos value resilience and would avoid direct confrontation but be aware that undercurrent manipulations are there.
I really like your observation of the Filipinos.
Toting
P.S. Did you know that the Philippines was under the British just for a day, then the British Empire sold the Philippines to the American for around $10M-$14M.
Ditto
Toting,
I am glad your family treats the hired help as family. Juramie helps right now is family (so we do also).
Juramie nanay had an interesting conversation with friends in Tagbubunga. The friend asked if I talk to people. The answer is a most definitely “Yes!” It is important to me to treat each person with respect. Minervia (Juramie mom) defended my honor and told them that I was friendly and talked to people.
Another person ask Juramie if she stills talk to them now that she has money. She was shocked also from the question. She definitely let the person know that she is the same person as before meeting me.
I enjoyed the article and the comments. Thank you.
Hi, John, orderly queueing was one of the first things that I noticed was missing in the Philippines when I first arrived in America, which was a long time ago. The second was holding the door open for the person behind you, and saying,” “Excuse me”, or, “Sorry”, if you accidentally let the door go on the person behind you. The Philippines has come a long way along these lines since then, I believe. The aggressive lady at the “baskets only” is something that you will see in the States as well, but rarely. In my opinion, it’s not a cultural thing, and neither do the reactions of the people at the Davao checkout line as you have described in your article. Some people will complain, some won’t. Individual reaction varies from one person to another, based on education, life experiences, and socio-economic status. The reaction of the cashier, however, i.e., “just hang her head down”, may be cultural, if we’re talking about the supposed Filipino aversion to non-confrontation. Her fear of losing her job, though, may be misplaced, in fact, because she is violating her own company’s policies, and favoring one individual as against several others at the checkout line.
Would I complain, if I were you? You’re a tall Caucasian man, towering above the rest. To the rest of the people at the checkout line, you must present an imposing figure, why push the envelope further? Instead of gritting your teeth, why not just grin and bear it? Filipinos will love you for it!
Hi John,
I would suspect the woman is wealthy and regularly spends much in the store,so the staff kow tow to her.
However there is no excuse for rudeness.Some people like to think they are more important than anyone else,it happens the world over.
regards Chas.
John M
I am sure the cashier felt she had no choice to serve this lady, and I noticed that during the incident the supervisors stayed clear.
Paul
I have noticed that even amongst my Pinoy friends if I used the wrong word they would be so hurt, but would never tell me. So now I have learnt never to say anything negative in a group environment and I always try and come up with a face saving line at all times, but still get my point across.
Jack
Heard that too lol
James
Is your wife ok to be a consultant she sounds formidable lol. Good on here.
Imagine
I often see that people returning to the Philippines come back with a complete change in what they will accept in customer service, so I assume things will naturally change over time..I hope.
Toting
I agree with your observations of the caste system, it reminds me of what goes on in India now, and shame to say I think the British were responsible.
Thanks for the nice words too.
John Reyes
I now grin and bare it and my IPOD goes to full volume, that is why I was surprised when a Filipino lady complained. I turned down my Ipod to listen
Chasdv
I can only agree with what you say!!
Hi John – Well I guess I have a different ladies in my life then your story is about. My X was born and spent her high school years in Manila. We were married for 25 years. She never submited to anyone. Not even the Pope! My mother-in-law was having trouble with her land and the way her sisters were taking care of it. What did she do? She sent my X to take care of the problem. The main trouble maker was so scared to learn that the X was on her way that she left town. The X at 4 foot 10 inches was someone they never dared to look down to. When she left me she came back later and broke into the house and grabbed the loaded shotgun. 12 ga.! I was 8 foot away, she couldn’t get the safety off. She pulled the trigger twice.
Now a year and half later Meriam comes into my life. She is so smart and charming. Keeps me laughing all the time. Knows English better than I do. Cross her? Not on your life! The clerks at the mall better not give her bad service. She has this certain look and smile that gets the clerks hopping. The times, they are a changing!
People in Asia cut in line so many times in front of me that I was starting to believe that I am invisible. Or maybe they do it cause they think I won’t complain, which I never do, even though I just want to sometimes scream!
Hi All
So what am I supposed to do it this situation???
Do I politely say excuse me but the line starts back there???
OR
Do I just suck it up and try and keep my blood pressure from going over the top????
When is it the right time to say something in situations like this???
I would really like to know!!!
Hi John…. I believe that this is to do with called “saving face”. Where does “saving face” come from ? From the past when the Philippines was a colonial nation under first the Spanish. This also happens in other parts of the world where a country has been ruled by colonial powers. Something to do with how the people have been kept “one rung” below their colonial masters….. its better to endure than object mentality.
Hi Richard,
I don’t think that is strictly correct.
Loss of face is cultural throughout Asia, in countries that were never colonized eg China and Thailand.
It may be more to do with the caste systems that existed in the history of Asia.
regards Chas.
Edward Gary Wiggle
Wow, I imagine she made your life exciting. Sounds like an amazing lady.
Jakeb
It is hard for us to get use to I admit.
Tyleen
Have not yet figured that out, guess I never will.
Richard Stockwell
I have learnt at my cost that “losing face” can be a serious problem, and I always now take that into account in everything I do here.
Well , at least you had a “basket” lane .
I recently made the mistake of grocery shopping with my Filipina wife and the store had 17 check out lanes all jammed and not one basket or express line .
I do believe a lot of it has to do with the “saving face” issue but if my wife complains instead of me for some reason it seems to work .