I’m still not Him (Continued from Last week)

Five years, copious amounts of money, many trip into Mega Manila, and I receive my big yellow ACR card with my picture on it back in 2001. I’m a self satisfied man, the stars are in the heavens were aligned and all in the world is well. Hell no, the next year they change to the “I” card and I start again!

All the paperworks are lost in Manila, so no card shows up in Olongapo. I go to Manila for two days and “I” found the paperwork’s they must by now think I work there and that they were never informed, or was I ever paid for that matter. Three months later my “I Card” falls from the Manila sky, and it’s good for only one year.

After paying my head tax at the Olongapo Office in 2007, they sit me in front of the computer fill out all the info and take my picture for a new “I Card”, and inform me for an extra 500.00 Pesos they will expedite my application, what the heck, I’ll go for that. After all this new “I Card” is now good for five years.

It’s been two years so far and I still don’t have the card. They think it was sent to another office somewhere here in the Philippines or other parts of Asia, or Europe for all I know.

I asked if I could get my 500.00 Pesos refunded, since if was not expedited very well? Well, that set them into a panic, in the history of this country, a refund has never been asked for before, or received, I calmed them down and asked what could be done, the answer made sense, just wait until the card, I don’t have, expires and apply for a new one! You can’t makeup stuff like this!

Ok, I’m not going anywhere but am I legal? Well it happens that my receipt is legal and binding; you just can’t show it at the airport. So I’ll “just wait” three years and start again, but next time, I won’t pay the 500.00 Pesos extra, that’ll show em’.

Chose to live here? Sounds like without the card I have lost that choice.

Addendum:

March 2009 again while paying my yearly head tax, the “I-card” had arrived in Olongapo City, oh happy days! It was in the office manager’s desk all the time, it was not lost.

I’m Still Not Him, circa 2001

This is to prove that even I had trouble getting my ACR card.

Last week I told you about how I had to prove I was me to the U.S. Government, the time before that in 2001, I had to prove to the Philippine Government that I’m not him. This time I go to Manila because I had to finish up the paperwork’s on my application, for a permanent ACR, this was a few years ago. I received my temporary ACR, which was good for one year, on probation. I assumed that since I received all these official papers from the Department of Immigration that I had jumped all over all the hurdles, slipped between all the cracks, and was on the road to easy times.

Wrong again! The next year I had to prove for the second time that I was not someone else. How would one do that? Can you prove a negative? Yes by using the “Affidavit of Not Same Name” unlike the “Affidavit of Loss” (To prove a lost car tag) which I submitted to the LTO that same month.

Mr. Computer man informed me that my name was on the bad list in their computer. (I was hoping it was listed in the big book, no such luck. There was a name somewhat (note “somewhat”) like mine, belonging to a man from Great Britain.

I smiled and explained that this came up last year and the year before and we’d solved the problem. How could I be standing here with a valid ACR if this had not been solved? I was informed that I had to speak with the “Director” of the records section to solve this dilemma. Now again, the quest begins anew! Down the yellow brick road to see the Wizard! The wizard informed me that I must return to Olongapo City and visit the local office of the NBI to clear my name or the name of the guy from Great Britain. Thinking fast and working to inflate the wizard’s ego I smiled and said that I fully understood his need to insure that the Republic of the Philippines be protected from these nefarious types of people, and I for one agreed, and would help to the limits of my abilities! (Hey! It sounded real good to me.) Then I showed him my new plus old passports, which I hoped, would prove that I was never been a citizen of The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Island. Then I showed my U.S. Merchant Seaman’s Card, my retired U.S. Military ID Card, and then told him I had visited Great Britain and that Pub Grub is good. I felt the food comment was the winner.

He waived the NBI stuff, and all I had to do was cross the street, see one of the shade tree Lawyers and type up my “Affidavit Not Same Name.” And of course pay 500 Pesos! Set to go? Oh ye of little faith! I now have a valid ACR good for one year, and then was then informed that we are now going to the “I-Card or E-Card” or whatever was in style that year. So let’s start again. I choose to live here, and it’s still good.

Continued next week, oh yes there is more.

Yes I’m Alive, I Think!

Why? (One could ask!) Would any human being desire a trip to Mega Manila? I’d sooner drive a Peterbilt 18 wheeler through New York City at 5pm rush hour, or accept a sharp stick in my eye, so I hired a driver! Four hours from my house in Dinalupihan Bataan to the Philippine Capital or NCR.  What does the “MEGA” in Mega Manila mean? (Oh, I know, mega problems), the reason for the trip was that I came to renew my un-expired Retired Military ID card as requested by letter from some very high placed government official. I arrived at the location designated in a most official letter I had received from The U.S. Government asking me to visit them at a hotel in Manila. Very Nice Hotel on the U.S. Taxpayers dime I might add.

I told the driver to park and I entered the hotel to find the visiting ID card people. Four Minutes later I’m seated in front of a computer station and the young lady from the States is proving to the computer that I am indeed me. Three minutes later I process a new and updated Military ID card and had time to chat. The reason that I was there, I discovered, was because retirees in the P.I. seem to live an extraordinary long time, Spanish American War Veterans were still collecting their checks. And for some reason the Government had serious doubts that this could be true. I told them I felt it was more than likely true.

You see in 1997 I pulled into Manila Harbor onboard the USNS Tippecanoe (T-AO-99) and noticed while boarding the liberty boat, that there was not one Pinoy from the ship with gray hair, whereas, the day before there was. This could only bring me to the conclusion that the waters of Manila Bay must contain magical properties, or at best be the true Fountain of Youth!

I told the young lady a story on how this longevity occurs. A Local Bank in Olongapo City in the 1970’s told the Filipina wife, she could not pick up her husband’s money without his thumb print. He had lost both legs to diabetes after retiring from a base Civil Service job, and she had to load him into the car once a month and take him to the bank. After he passed she never notified the U.S. Government and still went to the Bank every month to collect his (her?) money, but now she only had to take his frozen thumb in a cooler.

The young ID card lady from Washington seemed to view that with much humor, and went to explain my theory of Philippine Longevity to her fellow workers, who stopped working and started laughing. I departed, thinking, “What do they know?” I choose to live here, and am kinda’ glad I do, as I want to live forever also!

They’re Only Seven Once

Why is the seventh birthday so important? I’ll never fully understand the why of it, and I decided to be quite and go along with.

It’s Mid September sitting at my kitchen, and those discussing the planned party are, 1 Great Grandmother, 2 Grandmothers, 1 Mother, 1 Grand Daughter (soon to be seven) Plus 1 Father, and not to be left out, me the Grandfather. (In the dining room and living room, were assorted Aunts, Uncles and cousins not involved in the planning, but voting present) I admire you folks, who are taking the time to learn the local language, yet once in awhile it’s a blessing to be ignorant of what’s being said, and believe me this was one of those times.

Chris (my son-in-law) feeling sorry for me, disappeared and returned with a frosty bottle of, San Magoo Beer. (You knew that was coming!) Then came the important part, the plans are set, all goes quiet, all brown eyes are peering into the blue eyes that my folks burdened me with, and for the first time that evening English was spoken and I was informed that my part was P24,500.00.

Now I knew why my beer was never empty, and I just agreed. The party was set for October 3rd (made sense, as it was the Childs birthday) the Sunday before the big event we must go to SM Mall in San Fernando. From my house in Bataan, it’s an hour drive. 9 am with my wife and I, birthday girl and her parents in the car, we’re on the way. In Lubou the traffic is very heavy and a truck hits my Honda on the rear left door and fender well, and sails off down the road.

Panic ensues, I’m instructed to race after the truck, and find a policeman, and to stop and inspect the damage. I just want to get out of this traffic and go to the mall. The truck is gone, the police have the day off (It was a Sunday) and I’ll check the car at the mall, as it was driving just fine. Why had I not followed all the great advice I’d received? The truck was long gone and if I had caught up with it the driver would deny, deny, and deny again. The police, if I could have found one would have keep me for an hours or more filling out paperwork, and answering questions that I could not answer. Like, what’s the name of the other driver? Who owned the truck, where was the truck purchased? I think you get the drill.

Now we’re at the mall, birthday presents in tow heading to my car, when my wife informs me my granddaughter was in a Barbie fashion show and would be done sometime after 2pm. I smile; I wait, because it’s what grandfathers do. Return trip to my house and a well deserved cold beer. Hitting 50 MPH, left front wheel hit a pothole the size of a crater on the moon, and blows the tire off the rim. Son-in-Law changes the tire, and at 6pm I’m safe at home. Cold beer at the ready!

The shopping at the mall P7, 000.00, the new tire P2, 700.00, bodywork and paint on the car P5, 500.00, then there’s the original cost of the party, the look in my granddaughters eyes the night of the party! Absolutely, positively priceless! I’d do it all again.

The Water Tester

Knock, Knock, the gate I hear one day, as I had ripped out the doorbell the first week in my new house, after discovering school children liked it more than me. At the gate was a well dressed young man with a clipboard and a cardboard box. He explained that he was from the municipality and was there to test my water.

I found that a tad odd as the area I live in has no water supply, and I used a pump and very deep well. Okay, I’m thinking, this could be fun!

“Sir may I have a sample of your water?” he asked. And off I went to get it for him, as I enter my kitchen I see the Wilkins’s water dispenser and filled up his cup. When I gave it to him he held it up to the sun and peered intently at it, then opens his cardboard box and Somewhat akin to Harry Potter, he started to perform magical motions with his test tube and chemicals, and proceeded to turn my water a very unappetizing moldy gray. I gasped in shock that I could be consuming minerals in mineral water. It remained me of consuming Rum, in Rum & Coke.

Then the well appointed young man explained that if I subscribed to his company’s service I could have ultra clean water, and not die a horrendously painful death. Remember in the beginning, after the Knock, Knock, at my gate that he was from the municipality? Still being in a playful mood, I asked if the filtering system could be hooked up in line with my water meter. And found that it could. I then asked him to show me where it could be done, and let him waste ten minutes searching for the meter I didn’t have…

It was a hot day, so I offered him a glass of coke (I couldn’t give him that bad water) and explained that I knew he had fibbed to me about whom he worked for, and the water he had tested was Wilkins brand. Then my wife told him that the old Kano, liked to “Bulaga” people who tried to “Bulaga” him.

A couple of years later, a water system was installed, it was very small and could supply only about 300 homes, so they sold the water hookup to more than 800 homes. For the first 6 months I had city water every day, then every couple of days, then once in a while, and finally weeks on end with no water, as it still is today.

Then they gave me a bill for a few hundred pesos, which I could see no reason for, as a year prior someone stole my meter and I’d gone back to just using my well, six months before that. It was for a minimum monthly charge I was told.

“Sir, for the non-payment of your water bill, we are discontinuing service to your house!” Well they had pretty much done that, after the first six months. In July this year the non-water system was sold. The new company asked me if I would like to avail of their new service. They bought the company, changed nothing, nor fixed nothing. So I smiled and said, “When Caribou Fly!” As with living here, the well is also my choice.

“Why is it that way?”

Jeepneys: Why is it that all the passengers will insist on handing the driver the fare, while the driver is in the middle of a hairpin turn at forty miles an hour? Is it some form of test? Also, why can’t the next two boarding passengers stand beside each other, so the driver does not have to drive the next 15 feet to pick up the second one?

Also, just for fun, ask the capacity of a Jeepney? The heads will be scratched, and the thinking begun. Then the answers will flow; 16-18-ect. Just explain that all the answers are wrong. For the true capacity is “ONE MORE” which is the same for Trikes and buses.

Trike Drivers: Why do they pull up beside you, to offer a ride after they just saw you exit your car?

Street Vendors: What would make them feel that a “Blowgun” is just what you need today? They sell pork at the market and I don’t hunt wild pigs in the Rain Forest. Or the guy behind the blue boxes at the market, where he will repair a Presidential Rolex Watch, If I had one I sure would not bring it to him, for service.

Sports: Why is Basketball the number one sport here in the P.I.? Central and South America figured out they were not tall enough to join the “NBA” and decided Baseball was the way to go! It could be the cost of equipment, a basketball and slippers and a hoop on a tree is cheaper than gloves, bats, balls and the land required to play.

Sari-Sari Stores: Does the law require that there be one every fifty feet? I think the law does require that they all must sell exactly the same items, which will cause me much confusion picking the one I should go to. (Coldest beer works for me!) Also, they open at 7am yet by 9am they still can’t change a 20 peso bill. I wish I let my wife open one.

Dealing with Local Government: When applying for my resident visa to stay here I was provided a list of all paperwork and documents I was to present to Immigration in Manila. When I applied I was asked to provide 4 more documents which were not on the list provided. Like a foolish man I questioned why they were not listed on the paper their office provided me? That caused some major head scratching and a few shrugs of shoulders and was told to get the documents if I wanted to proceed.

Then last April 2009, I went to Subic Freeport for the Embassy Outreach visit to apply for my Social Security benefits. I arrived at 07:30, signed up, yakked with some friends, was seated at 08:00 called to see an Embassy Rep. by 08:05 and was on my way to breakfast by 08:25 as I had provided all required document from their list. The Lady from the Embassy was helpful, smart, and very friendly. While eating breakfast my wife pointed out that she was shocked to see any dealing with a government official could be so fast and smooth. I just smiled.

So… I will continue my search for answers to these and everything else that perplexes me! (Which is quite a lot?) It’s the small price we pay for choosing to live here in paradise!

P.S. This was written in pure fun, and I alone, am responsible for its content.

I need a COCKTAIL!

While my friend, here in the Olongapo City area, was taking a prescribed medicine, he was informed by his Doctor that for the next thirty days he had to be “Cocktail Free”, a time out from consuming those wonderful beers and rum and cokes? Shock, was the only way to describe my reaction to that very sad news. So in simpatico I decided to join him in this month long cocktail fast!

We still got together for lunch and things, but it was Ice Tea’s instead of the normal libations. Two weeks into this self imposed fast I came to the conclusion that, this was not one of my better ideas. What was I thinking? My liver functions were good, I only shook a little in the morning, and I went to AA meeting’s and refused to tell them my name, remaining true to the program.  I had traded in a perfectly good car for one with an automatic transaxle (front wheel drive) so my wife could drive me home after Cocktails. This fast was defeating the reason for the new car. (See how my mind works?) With two weeks left on this dumb idea I broke the cocktail fast.

When a plan is bad, it’s just plain bad, so that day I had a rum and coke, and found it was a good thing I broke the fast, and was glad I did because,  after just that one cocktail, all was right with the world again!

If my liver does act up I’ll rip it out and hit spin cycle on my Maytag washer. Being retired and gainfully unemployed, I’ve earned the right to consume when desired. This is one of the reasons I inhabit these 7,000 plus Islands, I can think of one other, and they have brown eyes.

Those back in the good old U.S. of A. please don’t get the impression that we drink every day, for that is not true. Just the days we want to. Now I do tend to imbibe on days when I listen to Country Music. The trouble is I have 500 plus Country Albums on my computer (even more Rock & Roll). I download 100 albums to a flash drive (USB) plug it in to my Stereo hit random and can play Country Music for four days straight.

Then I remembered that relating our experiences to friends after interacting with our hosts can be fun. Unusual things happen here, bazaar even, even while just staying at home. As a dear departed friend Charlie always said; “We choose to live here! If you don’t like it, the airports in Manila, need a ride?”

Let’s Pass a Law!

Ten years ago, here in Paradise, a law was passed and it declared that all Stainless Steel Jeepneys and Owner Jeeps must be painted so the reflection from the stainless steel will not blind the other drivers. Yes I owned one at that time, and I know people who ran out and had their jeeps painted Ricky tic. I thought, since I was on vacation at that time, and I was only home in the P.I. two to three months a year, that to ignore the law would be a wise thing to do, l know I’m a scoff Law. Six months later I’m home again and asked about the new law and it was explained that for some reason this law was canceled. I guess you can un-paint a jeep?

Five years ago I am at the LTO (Land Transportation Office) to renew my registration for my Mitsubishi Lancer and was informed that I must purchase a Hazard Warning triangle from LTO to comply with a new law. I thought I already had complied, as I carry a tree branch in the trunk of my car any way, plus my rock. (One could breakdown by a rice patty and no trees are available) Okay, let me have one, and then I was informed they were out of stock, and I could return in a few weeks to get one. They renewed my tag and off I went. Three weeks later I returned to LTO to obey their directive and was informed that law was canceled. I glad I kept the tree branch!

Then LTO told me that vans that have a sliding door on the left side must have it converted to open on the right, and of course then I owned a Mitsubishi RVR that fits the new law. It was explained that the left had door opened to traffic and was of “Great Danger” to my passengers I wondered, would that also included the driver’s door, as it also opens to traffic?

This question put five LTO employees into a huddle that lasted thirty minutes and heads were scratched. Again they renewed my tag and down the road I went. If it turns out to be true I’ll weld the sliding door shut, I don’t sit in the back seat anyway! Well that well thought out law was repealed too.

I do choose to live here, but I do sometimes wonder why!

Have you heard of any good laws I might have missed?

You’re Welcome To Visit…

We’ve all met them, the bad guest, hell you or I could be one, and I would just hope, that’s not the case. In my whole barangay there were only two of us Kano. And the problem was guilt by association, whenever the other Kano causes an upheaval in the purok; I am the one who has to hear about it and try to quell the bad feelings.

I tried to explain to him that living in someone else’s country, is like visiting their home. They may invite you in, sit you down and offer you hospitably, you have the right to accept what is offered, and enjoy sitting in their house. But, you have no right to re-arrange their furniture.

If you feel that you have the knowledge, to fix what you believe to be broken in their country, than I suggest you quickly return to your own country and repair it first, as you must have all the answers.

My problem solved itself, as he got so sick of butting his head against the wall (or a Navy term “Pissng up a rope”); and sold his house and went back to the states. His social experiment lasted only three years, and a lot of cash, as he sold his house (brand new) for one half of what it cost to build. I know he was not a bad guy; he just came here without a clue as to what to expect.

When I was in the Navy and stationed around the world, I noticed that a lot of people on the base seldom left it. I had a name for them “Perimeter Lizards’” those who would go up to the fence, and peer out. Then complain about the locals, and what a mess their country was. How could they know?

I fought to live off base with the locals, and would argue with the Base Commander, that since I was the Commissary Officer, I needed to view the local culture to better serve my customers; pure B.S. but they all approved my request.

Which left me with friends and memories that will last forever, thanks to my being part of their life and they part of mine

Living in the Philippines was my choice, as during my ten years as a Merchant Seaman, I lived nowhere. My only connection to anywhere was a storage locker in Florida where I kept all the things important to me. My Father called me the richest homeless man he ever met. When I was paid off a ship I’d just pick a place on earth and go on vacation for a couple of months.

On one of my vacations here in the Philippines I visited a retired friend here in Olongapo City, Luzon, and married his wife’s sister. One of my better plans, and I’ve not had that many. My point is I choose to live here, and have no reason to complain, as my wife won’t let me!

P.S. Not everything is Tongue-in-Cheek!

Need a Hobby?

I’m not sure that going to your favorite watering hole or bar every day is classified as a hobby, yet I feel it could be. And watching the dancing girls in the Barrio here on the Island of Luzon, I know is a hobby, and a good one at that. Yet both can be very costly, in money, health, and of course a very angry wife. So let’s move on to a list that might keep us out of a tight spot.

Fishing as a hobby may be relaxing and the benefit is free food, well not exactly free as there is the cost of the equipment either buying or renting, and of course beer is also an important part of fishing but that cost is deferred. So you head to the beach or pier with your gear and beer and sit for a few hours, the line in the water (bait is optional) enjoying the view of the pretty girls on the beach, and having a cold beer. It’s cheaper than the bars! And if you don’t catch any fish, just stop at the market and buy one that can be your secret.

Horseshoe chucking, this is a hobby that involves both exercise and concentration, and not to forget that beer is an important part of this hobby. The great thing about pitching horseshoes is you don’t have to be good, as close counts, especially after the beer is factored in. All that is required is (1) horseshoes, (2) a couple pieces of rebar (look up on your wall, and I know there is some sticking out) and some sand. Or you could forget about playing, and sit in your yard and drink beer.

Darts, this is a great way to pass the time and is a good sport also. For this you need a dart board and some darts, and a blackboard (how politically incorrect I am) to keep your score. Again beer is a most important part of the game of Darts. The more beer the harder it is to keep scores. It is good for you, as it teaches eye hand control, except for, again the beer factor. Also you can join a team and play as a group in different bars. True story, I owned a bar in Puerto Rico, and we had a dart team, which I was a member. We took the boat to St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands to play some bars there. My buddy Mike and I had a 3 hour wait before we were up. So we bar hopped around the area and then went back to play. Not a good idea as we were both very “OVERSERVED” and could not see the board let alone hit it. Mike and I were kicked off my own bars team!

Model Railroading, is a hobby that requires a vast amount of money, time and hard work. Also you need a very large space to build it. Electoral knowledge is required, and beer is not a major part of this hobby. Let’s move on!

Wood working can be a great hobby, and the benefit is you get to use the things you build. All that is needed is a large amount of expensive tools, and a place to work. Wood may be purchased on the side of the road, in the second hand wood joints, by the kilo, not by the board. I found this out the hard way. I know you’re gonna’ ask, is beer is part of this hobby? Yes and its use will be directly propionate to the amount of injuries sustained by hammers and saws, to you personage while performing your tasks.

Jogging as a hobby is just a bad idea, you can’t drink a beer while running, and the same goes for swimming. Again, let’s move on.

Dog Rearing: Not quite sure if it’s a hobby, but studies prove that you will live longer if you have dogs. As it was told to me by a friend (Tom can I say your name?) If you want sex, get a woman, if you want unconditional love, get a dog! The beer factor comes into play with dogs also. I like to sit and play around with my dogs in the yard and enjoy a canned consumable. Rum works just as well!

Alright I’m done for now, and what did we learn? The watering holes and dancing girls will always be the best choice. And after all, they are part of the reason we choose to live here!