The friends you choose have a big influence on your own attitude, don’t you think? I believe that it is certainly the truth. That is true here in the Philippines, or anywhere you live.
A few days ago, I made a post on my Mindanao Blog about a meeting that I was going to be attending here in Davao. It was a group made up of other ex-pats who meet twice per month to talk about business and other things about living in Davao. The name of the group is Friends of Mindanao. I attended their meeting on Wednesday. I found the group to be positive, with a good attitude, and the guys were really enjoyable to be around. All in all, I had a good time, and I intend to go back again for future meetings!
There is another similar group, though, that I am familiar with that is a little different. This group (which I will not name, that would serve no purpose) is also an ex-pat group that meets regularly. This group, though, seems to be a group of ex-pats that get together to complain about the Philippines. They complain about the life here. They complain about the things that need to be changed. They complain about the people. Basically, they complain about everything. I can’t think of a single issue that they have had anything positive to say about living in the Philippines.
At first, when I was invited to the Friends of Mindanao meeting, I was worried that they might be this other group that I mentioned. But, I decided to go and check it out to see for myself. I am glad I went, because I met some people who could be good friends in the future.
You see, it’s a funny thing, but you often run into groups of ex-pats who complain! They find fault in everything around them, and they reminisce about their home country, while badmouthing the Philippines. Now, look, I am the first to admit that there is no perfect place on the earth, and the Philippines does have plenty of problems that need to be addressed. But, for myself, I like it here. I enjoy living here. Yes, sometimes things happen that get me upset, I guess that’s human nature. But, overall, I am happy with my life.
There was a time a few years back when I did hang out with some people who were complainers. And, in my experience, when you hang out with people who see nothing but bad, it tends to put those same glasses on your, and soon all you can see is the bad. A friend of mine had fallen into the same gutter as I had (maybe we didn’t fall in, but were on the slope, headed that way). He encouraged me that we should change our outlook. Even just by changing the words we used to talk about what we saw, we were able to have a different feeling. For instance, when we saw something that we would once call “stupid,” instead we would say it was “fascinating.” For example, we would see somebody doing something in a way that we were not used to seeing. In the past we would say “look at that guy, the way he is doing that is really stupid!” Instead, by saying “look at the guy, the way he is doing that is really fascinating, I have never seen it done that way before,” you would have a totally different feeling in your heart and in your mind. Basically, you were saying the same thing, but the language you chose gave you a different image. Try this, you will find that it really works.
I often wonder, for these guys who do nothing but complain about the Philippines, why do they choose to live here? It would certainly seem that if a place was that bad, wouldn’t they choose to move elsewhere? I know that I would.
All in all, the lesson here is that you have the opportunity to choose your friends. You get to choose who you hang out with, and who you do things with. When you choose people with a positive attitude, you will generally have a positive attitude too. The inverse is true as well, unfortunately!
Bob,
I can recall the first few times I stayed in Davao for extended periods. I expressed my opinions about what I saw. My then girlfriend, now wife, would tease me, saying, “Oh great white man, tell us how we should change. Save us, oh great white man. we know you have all the answers.” I always ended up pulling my foot out of my mouth and feeling really embarrassed. Since then, I’ve tried to look at the way things are done in a different light. That’s not to say we didn’t have a few problems when we visited again last month. We grumbled about the multiple hoops we had to try to jump through when trying to return an item to the Gaisano Department Store. My wife has become accustomed to the very liberal return policy at Target. After the experience, we sat down and actually had a discussion about why things are the way they are, and we concluded that definitely legitimate reasons for the way things are done. We feel that we’ve also been through this before because I experienced much of the same thing by living in Korea for seven years. My wife was there with me for one of those years, so we’ve both been on the other side of a completely different culture with behavior and norms that are neither western nor Filipino.
When we do return to live, we will have difficulties, but those do produce opportunities to learn and expand. I’m looking forward to these chances to grow.
Yes Bob, a positive approach will certainly be a tool that is required for many of us, as we contemplate living in the Philippines, the one thing that comes to mind when I am in country is the word "Innovative" like you, I see some things that in the past I would have said, "They are stupid" but in fact, when I see something done a certain way, I would say "That is innovative, we could certainly learn from that ! or my other phrase would be "Creative" if I see how Filipinos do something, If asked what I thought, I would say, they are being very creative, your right Bob, there is no point going around saying that "This is not how it would be done in my countgry, or thats now how we do things, if you learn anything about the Philippines, you know there is little point in using that language, since you are not in your own country, you simply have to accept that it is the way it is done, and always has been, another way for me of overcoming my personal feelings, is a nice big bright smile, that always seems to do the trick, if I dont like something, or think Gagu ! then I make a bright smile.
Is not a bright smile hard to decypher, no one knows what you are thinking, its ok to get together and criticise the people, but you will never change someone elses cultural habits of a lifetime, so why waste time bothering, lo0ok at the psitive as bOB HAS said and get on with it, thanks for that Bob, very helpful.
Nice thoughts, Peter. You are right, a big smile can go a long way to making you welcome. And, the person on the receiving end doesn't ever need to know what the smile meant either! It may mean that you are smiling at something "fascinating," "Innovative," or "creative." Never "stupid" though! 😉
Wow! This post is enlightening. I am apt to believe that people are the same everywhere. Here is something I’d like to share for all expats all over the world:
“There” is not a better place than “here.” When your “there” becomes a “here” you will simply obtain another “there” that again looks better than “here.”
You chose to live in another country,so why knock it?If you dont like it go back to where you came from.
Ditto, Bob. These people who complain about life in the Philippines are probably not happy anywhere else. They'll always find something to complain about. I stay away from these people. I think their problem is more internal than external. Until they discover that internal turmoil, they won't be completely happy.
As long as I have my faith, health, and family, I could be happy anywhere. I just chose to live in the Philippines because not of material objective, which is very obvious, but of immaterial reasons. There's an old saying. Most people would move to a place, not because they like the place; its because that's where the job is. And they think that'll make them happy. Some people would move to place, because that where they've always wanted to live; somehow they'll figure out a way to make ends meet. And they think that'll make them happy. Now, guess which group of people are the happiest and at peace with themselves and their sorroundings.
Folks, find a place where you want to live, and you'll somehow figure out a way to make it there. Don't chase the money, thinking the place where you found the money will make you happy. Till next time….
Hi stebujiji – I had not thought about having a third country thrown in there! So, you and your wife both experienced this at the same time, since you were in a different country than either of you grew up in! That indeed would be fascinating!
Hi John – Exactly!
Hi Julius – I believe that in many cases, if you go to where you want to be, the money will follow. In my case, I really had a strong desire to move here to the Philippines, and when I did so, although it took some learning, I have been able to do better financially here than I did back in the States!
Hi Carlos – Nice thought!
Bob–I believe you and I have both found our peace here in the Philippines. Till next time….
Hi Julius – that seems to be the case! Congratulations to you!
Bob, I just found this blog and reading all the issues.
From what you wrote, it reminds me of an old story…
An old man was traveling a road and comes upon a traveler coming in the opposite direction.
The traveler asks “Sir, I am curious, how are the people in the next town”
The old man asks, “How were the people in the town you just left?”
The traveler responds “They were wonderful people, kind, generous and accommodating. I hated to leave but have to continue my travels”
The old man then says “You will probably find the same type of people in the next town”
Later the old man meets up with another traveler coming in the opposite direction too.
The new traveler asks “Sir, I am curious, how are the people in the next town”
The old man asks, “How were the people in the town you just left?”
The new traveler responds “Oh, they were terrible, I think they are all mean, thieves and crooks. I was so happy to get out of that town.”
The old man then says “You will probably find the same type of people in the next town”
So see, it is the same all over the world for as long as people have been meeting new people.
Hi Bruce – thanks for leaving that story, it's an interesting one. So, the moral of the story is that how the people are is in the eyes of the person who meets them. If you have an attitude that people are bad, any new people you meet will likely be bad. If you have an attitude that people are good, any new people you meet will likely be good.
Nice!