Araw ng mga Patay

Yesterday, November 1, was Araw ng mga Patay, a major holiday in the Philippines.  Literally translated, Araw ng mga Patay means “Day of the dead.”  Additionally, November 1st is All Saints Day in the Catholic Church, which is all related to Araw ng mga Patay, or Day of the dead.  It is the day when the family members who have passed before us are remembered and honored.  But, Araw ng mga Patay is actually only half of the holiday.  The second day, November 2, is also a holiday.  November 2 is All Souls Day.

Another name for the two days combined celebration is called “Undas.”  In previous years, although I have heard of Undas, I have never heard it widely used, at least in the area where I live.  This year, though, the name “Undas” is widely used.  I am not certain why, or for what reason the name of the celebration seems to have shifted more to being called Undas this year than it has in the past, but I have certainly noticed the shift.  Perhaps others will comment that they have (or have not) noticed such a shift this year as well.

As a westerner, the Undas season is the hardest thing for me to really understand when it comes to Philippine holidays.  While in many ways, Undas is very solemn, in some ways it is also festive!  You are supposed to remember your loved ones who have passed, and spend time at the Cemetery to show your love and honor of those who have died, yet at the Cemetery it is often a party type atmosphere!  People get drunk, dance and party wildly at the graveside!  People bring plenty of food and spirits to enjoy a lively Undas!  I find it very strange, and hard to understand.

For me, I am a Christian, but I believe that we can remember our lost loved ones any time that we choose to, just by thinking of them, or maybe saying a short prayer.  But, here, they go way beyond that during Araw ng mga Patay.  As I said earlier, food and spirits are brought to the cemetery.  And, do you know, a plate of food is even dished up for the dead person, and served at their grave!

Early this morning (Nov. 2), Feyma rode the bus to GenSan to be with her family for the All Soul’s Day part of the celebration.  Feyma and her family (at least the part of the family that I know) have never been into the whole party scene at the graveside.  But, they will just be paying their respects to Papa, Mama and Feyma’s siblings who have already passed.  Feyma will be gone just one day, and return tomorrow.  I planned to attend the event myself, but I still have some lingering effects from Dengue that cause me to get pretty worn out if I over-exert myself, so both Feyma and I decided it would be best for me to remain home this year.  Mostly, Feyma wanted to be there, though, because this is the first year since Mama passed, and she feels it is important to show her respects at this time.  I support her in that too.

Even after living here for a decade, though, I feel that I cannot fully understand Undas, or even grip a small portion of what it is all about.  It seems so different to me, and unlike anything that I experienced in the West.  November 1 and 2, also, are probably either the second or third biggest holidays of the year in the Philippines.  Easter (Holy Week) and Christmas being in the top three as well.  To be honest, among those three holidays, it would be hard for me to classify which of them is most important to Filipinos.  Holy Week and Undas are solemn (with spurts of festivity, as I’ve explained), while Christmas is more cheerful, to say the least.

Early November is certainly an interesting time in the Philippines.

Cultural Adjustment

Since it’s Friday, today I’m featuring my column from SunStar Davao Newspaper.  While my LiP Web Magazine is targeted toward foreigner readers who have an interest in visiting or living in the Philippines, my newspaper column is targeted at Filipino readers and trying to foster more understanding toward foreigners who are here.  Because of this, you may notice that this article comes across from a different angle than you are used to, but it might still make interesting reading for you.  This column is appearing in today’s SunStar Davao, October 9, 2009.

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I’ve been living in the Philippines for almost 10 years already, and many days I still learn new things about the place.  When I first came to live here, everything was different for me.  Today, nearly 10 years later, I am already accustomed to most things, but a few things still pop up that catch me off guard.

I am a believer that we are all people, despite our differences.  While we have things about us that are different, we also have many things that we share in common.  However, even though many, probably most things about different peoples are similar, or even the same, when you relocate to a different place, especially if it is halfway around the world, it is the things that are different that really stick out and are very noticeable to you.

What creates most such differences is culture.  The culture is way that we do things, the normal way that the people around us have taught us that things should be done.  We are a product of the culture in which we grew up.  It is through the influence of others, and through observing how others do things that teach us how to do things, and we mimic, or copy how we see others doing things.

When we move to a new place, very far away from our home, we notice that people do things differently than we do the same things.  It does not mean that the way the people do it is wrong, or that we are wrong, we just do it differently.  It can be a difficult adjustment, though.

A little over 2 years ago, I decided that if I was going to live here permanently, I really should learn how to speak the language.  Having decided that, it presented an entirely new problem… which language should I learn?  Tagalog?  Bisaya?  Some other language like Ilonggo?  I settled in on Bisaya, because my wife’s family is Bisaya.  Living in Mindanao, there is a majority of Bisaya speakers too, so I decided that Bisaya was the right language for me to learn.  I searched and was able to find a very good linguist to teach me how to speak Bisaya, Bebe Metillo.  Bebe had, in the past, taught Missionaries living here, and I was her first non-Missionary student.

In learning to speak Bisaya, I found myself also learning a lot of cultural things about the Philippines too.  Things that I didn’t understand well became clearer to me.  In the past, when I saw something being done a certain way, I thought that the thing was being done “the wrong” way.  As I learned from Bebe, I came to understand that the Filipino way of doing something was not “wrong,” but only different from the way I was used to.  There were cultural reasons for things being done differently.  If something works, it is not wrong, just different.

Over the past 2 years that I have been studying with Bebe, it has really opened up my mind and also helped me understand my new home in a better way, and also helped me adjust my attitude and acceptance of the Philippines.  Frankly, it’s been a God-send for me, because it has made my life happier, more stress-free, and given me a better understanding of the Philippines, and of Filipinos too.

I often think back to my time before I was studying language and culture from Bebe.  It was not as enjoyable a life.  Learning the language (I’m not 100% fluent, but I can get by) has helped me a lot too, and made my life better.  Being able to understand what is going on around you makes you feel better about living here too, and I am happy for that.

Next week, I’ll look at my decision of what language to learn, and I’ll let you know if I think I made the right choice by deciding to learn Bisaya.

Have you taken advantage?

As I have mentioned many, many times on this site and other places where I write, the Philippines, culturally, is a very different place compared to our homelands.  I mean, if you are a westerner – American, European, Australian, etc., the Philippines is not the same as where you come from.  So many things are different, and it can takes years to reach an understanding of the cultural aspects of various experiences that you may encounter.  I have been here more than 9 years now, and I still learn new things.

Bebe Metillo is my Bisaya teacher, and also has language lessons here on LiP.  During our weekly classes, Bebe and I often get into discussions about cultural issues and experiences that I have in the Philippines.  Getting Bebe’s insight into my experiences helps me a great deal and shows me new things that I would not have realized without her input.

A while back, Bebe and I got into a discussion about Filipino Hospitality, and meals in general.  In the Philippines, you cannot go into somebody’s house without being offered a meal or a snack most of the time.  I mean, as soon as you walk in the door, they ask if you want something to eat or drink.  If you happen to stop by somebody’s house during the time when they are eating a meal, watch out, because they will practically pull a chair up to the table and put a plate of food in front of you!

Sometimes it is a little embarrassing to me when something like this happens.  I mean, if you go into a home where the people are obviously poor, and they are offering you the best food that they have, it can make you feel that you are really imposing, and even leaving the family with no food for themselves!  But, what are you to do?

Well, Bebe explained something to me and made me look at this kind of situation in a whole new light.  She gave me a different angle on it from what I had previously seen.

You see, when people ask you if you want something to eat, they may actually be hoping, even praying that you will say no.  Culturally, they must show you their hospitality by offering you food, even if they can’t afford to do so.  To not offer you something would be downright rude.  But, in their mind, they know that if they feed you, there will be less for their family to eat, and frankly, their food might already be lacking for the family, even if you don’t eat.

As a rule, if a Filipino family offers you food when you visit, you should say no!  Yes, this is true.  You should really say something like “Oh, thank you, but I am full” (even if you are hungry).  If they offer food again, you should again say “I already ate, and I can’t eat more” or something like that.  However, if they offer you food for a third time, then you know that they sincerely want you to eat, and you are free to accept their generosity!

To my western mind, in the past, I always felt that if I was offered food, even if I did not want to eat, it would be rude for me to say no.  However, based on what Bebe told me, the polite thing is to say no.  If the offers keep coming and that third offer comes, then, my opinion would be that you not only are free to eat something, but you have some obligation to accept what is offered.

What did you think about this?  Did you always feel that you had an obligation to accept food when it was offered?  Did you, like me, feel guilty about accepting food from a poor family?  Well, I believe it is important to know that in the future, you really should say no, out of politeness, unless your host really insists.

What should I call him?

Here in the Philippines, names are not used much of the time when addressing people.  Or, if a name is used, it will often have a “prefix” code word affixed ahead of it.  As an example, our Vice Mayor here in Davao City is Sara Duterte, the daughter of Mayor Rodrigo Duterte.  But, people don’t call her “Sara” or “Vice Mayor Duterte.”  No, she is most commonly known as “Inday Sara” to the people.  This is just an example of how a “code name” is used with people.  But, the problem for us foreigners is… how do we know what “code name” to use with different people?  Well, you can never know for sure, except by hearing what others are calling a certain person.  But, this article is meant as a sort of guide of what kinds of things you might expect to call people.  The names in this article are sort of the “standard” names that are used in most cases, but they are not universal, just the most common.  Also, keep in mind that while some of these names may apply in various parts of the country, these names are the names commonly used in Bisaya areas of the Philippines, in other words in the Visayas Region and Mindanao.  Names in other regions may be the same, or may differ.

So, what do I call them?

A younger lady is often called “Inday” or just “Day” for short.  You pronounce that like “IN – DIE” or the short version would be pronounced “DIE”.  This name is mainly used as a term used for a younger sister in most cases, but the use has expanded, and is now used for any younger girl.  It is not used for any woman older than yourself, unless that is really their name (which does happen sometimes).  When you go somewhere and you see a young lady, or even a young girl, if you do not know her name, it is perfectly acceptable to just call her “Day” or “Inday” when you want to talk to her.  It is, after all, used as a term of endearment.  I have been told that up in Manila, the term “Day” can have a slightly negative connotation, in that it is a Bisayan term, and the people up north sometimes equate it with a lady being a maid.  However, I don’t know for sure how accurate that is today.  Within the family, Feyma has always been called “Inday” because she is the youngest girl in the family.  Even some of our younger nieces and nephews call her “Day” or “Inday” because the name is so strongly connected with Feyma within the family.  Alternatively, if you want to use a less endearing, slightly politer form of address for a young lady, you can also call her “Miss,” but “Day” is much more widely used.  It is a term that I use all the time myself.

A young man, younger than yourself can appropriately be addressed as “Dong” or “Dodong.”  This is very similar to the use of the term “Day” except it is used for a male instead of a female.  The term “Dong” is again a term of endearment, often reserved for a younger brother, cousin or nephew.  However, it is also appropriate to use the term “Dong” for any male that is younger than you, if you do not know their name.  For example, if you are in a restaurant, or a store, and you want to address a clerk or waiter, giving a little shout… “Dong…” is perfectly acceptable and appropriate in addressing a male member of the staff.  Many of my nephews are always called Dodong.  Also, just like with the term “Day,” if the male is older than you are,  you should never call him “Dodong” or “Dong” unless that really is his name, or a nickname that he is called.  If it is just a matter of not knowing his name and he is your age or older, do not call him “Dong” that would be disrespectful.

If you are going to address an older lady you can call her Manang, particularly if she is quite senior to you in age.  Manang is a term for an older lady and a way to show respect to such a lady.  If you are not sure of the lady’s age, do not call her Manang if she may be younger than you are, as that would be an insult to her.  If it is an older male that you are addressing, the term is similar, just changing one letter – Manong.  Again, never call a man younger than you Manong, as that would be an insult to him.  Be sure to be clear in pronouncing these two – Manang or Manong – emphasize that last vowel – ong or aaang.  You don’t want to call a lady Manong, or a man Manang, that would be disrespectful to do.  By using these terms, if you do not know their names, you are showing respect for the person.  If you do know their names, you can still show respect by attaching this prefix to the name.  For example, let’s say there is a man named “Rey” and you respect him, you would call him “Manong Rey” to show both respect, and a certain familiarity.  Same would be the case by using something like “Manang Shirley.”  By the way, a way of using these terms, but also making them slightly less formal and more endearing is shortening them to either “Nong” or “Nang.”

Now, if you have a person who is close to you, but slightly older than you are (maybe within 10 years or less, I’d say) there are different names for them.  For the male, you would call them “Kuya.”  You can just say “Kuya” or you could call him “Kuya Rey.”  If it is a lady that we are talking about, who is a bit older than you are, instead of Kuya, you would call her “Ate” (pronounced Ah-tee).  You can call her just “Ate” or you can say “Ate Bebe” for example.  So, to keep it friendly, but still give a bit of respect, Kuya or Ate are very appropriate.  Again, do not use the terms “Ate” or “Kuya” if the person is younger than you are, it would again be insulting to do so.

How about a friend?  Well, there are a number of terms you can use.  If you are a male, and you have a male friend of a similar age range to yourself, you can call him “Bay” which is pronounced “Buy” (like you are going to buy something).  Now, keep in mind, this term is used only among males. If you are female, you would not use the term Bay, or if you have a female friend, you would not call her Bay.  Another term you can call a male friend (whether you are male or female) is Amigo or just migo.  If you have a female friend, you can call her Amiga or miga.  All of these are very common.  Remember, though, among male friends, a term showing a very close friendship is Bay!  If you call somebody bay, he will know that you really consider him a good friend.

A term that as a foreigner we probably will not use, but many Filipinos use is “Bossing.”  A term of endearment for a boss or employer is Bossing.  A head of household would also be called Bossing.  If you are a foreigner, plenty of Filipinos might call you Bossing, although in practice, I doubt you will call many people Bossing, I know that I never personally use the term.

Finally, let’s look at a few terms that can get very complicated, and indicate a more familial relationship.  I am relating to the Kumpadre system, which is part of the whole SIR system of the Philippine society.  Through marriage or godparenting, you gain familial relationships with others through this Kumpadre system.  For example, last year I served as a Godparent for Cedric, the son of Cathy and Milper (LiP readers!) who live in GenSan.  Now, because of the fact that I am Cedric’s “Ninong,” Cathy is my Kumare (or also just called Mare) and Milper is my Kumpare (also just called Pare).  It is a sort of loose family connection that we have now.  We are more than just friends, we are family now because of our connection through their son, Cedric.  In addition, the other people who served as Godparents, for example, Carol, is also connected with me.  Carol is my Kumare as well, because we are both Godparents to Cedric.  This Kumpare relationship can keep expanding too.  When Cedric is old enough to marry it is possible that I would play some role in his wedding, further widening my Kumpare relationship with others that also serve as Godparents in the wedding.  It can create quite a large circle of family.  So, anyway, whenever I see Cathy or Carol, it would be perfectly normal for me to address either of them as “Mare” (pronounced like Mar-aye) or for me to address Milper as Pare (Par-aye).  We are family after all, right Mare Cathy?

Anyway, I hope that this look at “what you should call them” has been enlightening and helpful to you.  This is real life stuff, not some classroom things.  These are names that you will use everyday if you live in the Philippines or just come for a visit.

A while back, when I talked about the possibility that LiP may introduce a Premium Subscription service, some people asked me to give examples of what Premium articles would be like.  This article, for example, would be an article reserved for Premium Subscribers, should I elect to go in such a direction in the future.  I believe that this article contains information that is useful for anybody who chooses to live in or visit the Philippines.

The group dynamic in the home

Do you remember in late 2008, and the early part of 2009, I wrote a series of articles about SIR?  SIR means “Smooth Interpersonal Relations” and it is the basic tenet of Philippine Culture.  SIR is what controls the way that society in the Philippines functions.  One of the tenets of the SIR system is called “In Group.”  In Group is all about how Filipinos like to associate into a group.  They like to hang out as a group, and individuality is not only discouraged, but rarely practiced.  In Western Culture, we tend to value our personal time, hanging out by yourself gives you time to reflect.  Individuality is a big part of our culture.

One of the things that makes culture an enjoyable subject for me to study is how the dynamics of culture affect my family.  Because my kids are a mix of Filipino and American and have lived in each culture, watching how the deal with cultural issues is an interesting lesson for me.  While my kids have now spent the vast majority of their lives living in the Philippines, the fact that they live in my household gives them a daily dose of Philippine and Western Culture.  So, watching how their personal culture blends the two is always interesting to watch.

One cultural difference that I have never discussed on the site until now is sleeping arrangements.  In Philippine society, a lot of people sleep together.  For example, if you have 4 or 5 kids, they often all sleep in the same bedroom, even in the same bed together.  If cousins live under the same roof, they are also part of the sleeping group.  On the other hand, in the West, sleeping arrangements are normally quite different.  In the United States, generally each child has his/her own bedroom.  Sometimes, if there are not enough rooms, two kids might share a bedroom, but these days it is more the norm that each child has a bedroom of his own.

Another difference in sleeping arrangements in Philippine Culture compared to Western Culture is the sleeping arrangements when there is a baby, or a young child.  In the USA, when you have a baby, you generally have a Nursery, or a bedroom specifically for the baby.  In the Nursery you will have a baby crib, a special bed with rails where the baby will sleep.  In the past 20 years or so, there are baby monitors, little radio transmitters that you can use.  The transmitter will be in the baby’s bedroom, while the parents will have the receiver so that they can hear what is going on in the nursery.  If the baby wakes up, you can go get the child, or go and get him back to sleep again.

In Philippine society, the baby normally sleeps with the parents, in their bed.  This can be the case for years.  Even a kid 5 or 6 years old might still be sleeping with his parents.  This can put a cramp on the “adult activities” of the parents, if you know what I mean.  When we had young babies in the States, we always had a hard time working out the sleeping arrangements.  Of course, Feyma wanted the baby to sleep with us, while I was more in favor of the baby sleeping in his own room.  Feyma usually won out on those arguments, though.

Living here in the Philippines and having children now ranging from 17 years old down to 9 years old, the kids like to all sleep in the same bedroom.  There are two beds in the room, and the kids split up between the two beds.  They seem to be more comfortable being in a group arrangement, the way the Philippine Culture is, than if it was the Western way.  There have been times I have suggested to the kids that maybe we would split them into their own bedrooms, and I have always been met with resistance when I suggest this to them.

It is certainly a different way of sleeping from what I grew up with.  When I was a kid, my brother and I shared a bedroom for a number of years and it is always something that we fought against.  We wanted our own bedrooms with our own privacy.   The day came when we had that, and we were happy.  With my kids, though, it would seem that they are in no hurry for that day to come though.

It wil be interesting to continue watching the situation and seeing if they want to have their own bedrooms as they become older.

SIR: The Time-Event Concept

Last week, when I wrote in my continuing series about SIR (Smooth Interpersonal Relationships), by foundation of Filipino Culture, I said that I had only one more aspect to cover, and asked if anyboyd could guess what it was.  I was surprised that nobody guessed (Chris tried, but was not correct), because this is the area of Filipino Culture that seems to annoy Westerners the most of all.  The final installment on the SIR system that is used in the Philippines is the Time-Event Concept.  Basically, we are going to talk about Filipino Time today!  Again!  Yes, we have discussed this many times, but I will cover it again today, because it is part of the SIR cultural system that exists in the Philippines.

The study materials that I have here, which were given to me by my Bisaya teacher, Bebe Metillo, say this.  Filipinos are more interested in what is happening (the event itself), than in when the event is happening.  In a folk society valuing people more than time, you must show up some time when the event is happening, not necessarily at the starting time of the event.

Well, this is certainly a different way to look at it, don’t you think?  You must show up – at some time – not necessarily when the event starts!  That kind of explains why everybody shows up late by one amount of time or another.  Where I come from, in the United States, to be polite, we usually show up 15 minutes or so early for a meeting or some such event!  Here, if you show up early, it is very rude, because you might be imposing on the host, who is probably not ready yet.  Even showing up “on time” at the hour when the event is scheduled is not really proper under this “time-event concept.”

I would say that in my 9 years of living in the Philippines, the practice of this time-event concept is the most aggreviating part of living here.  It is also complicated by the fact that not all Filipinos follow this custom, some do things actually on time!  So, if you are invited to something, the first thing you have to do is to actually figure out if the person who is hosting is expecting you at the time you were invited, or if you should be 30 minutes or even an hour late to be “on time.”  It can really be complicated!  Sometimes, when we are invited to something, Feyma and I will actually come right out and ask if we should go by “American time” or “Filipino time.”  I think that this is a good practice to follow, so that you can actually show up at a time that you are expected to be there.

So, what do you think about the practice of Filipino Time, or the Time-Event Concept?  For me it is annoying, even after living here for a very long time.  When I talk to other expats, this is also the number one annoyance that I hear about.  But, for Filipinos it is not rude or bad-mannered at all, it is just the way things are, and how they are done.  What do you think?

Well, this wraps up my series of articles about SIR .  I hope that you got some useful information from the series, I know that when I was given this material by Bebe, it opened my eyes to a lot of things in the Culture and helped me understand things that had always confused me.  I hope that it helped some of you too.  That is, after all, why I wrote the articles!

SIR: The Compadre System

The Compadre System, or the “Extended Family” is the basis of Filipino social structure.  When they say “Extended Family” that doesn’t mean that there is a blood relationship, or even a marital relationship.  Some “family members” are chosen, rather than being truly related.

The Compadre System, or Extended Family is, as I said, the basis of Filipino social structure.  It is a kinship system which extends one’s relationships beyond one’s immediate family to include up to about 400 people.  Can you imagine?  400 people!  One thing that I often hear from foreigners who marry in the Philippines is that their wife (or husband!) has so much family, and they probably will not even meet all of them, much less remember them all.  While it is true, some of these people that are called “cousins” or “uncles or aunts” may not actually be blood relatives at all, but rather “adopted” extended family.

Basically, the way that Filipino society is structured starts out with the individual himself.  Remember, through all of our SIR series, it is quite obvious that the individual person is really not the focus, as the group or barkada is much stronger, and the individual is expected to conform to the others, and not really show individualism like we we westerns do.

The next layer of the society, in relation to the individual is the blood relationship.  This would include immediate family (parents, brothers, sisters), and extend out to cousins, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces and such.  Anybody who has a blood relationship with that individual would be part of this layer of that person’s kinship system.  The blood relationship would usually extend out to around 100 people, although that number would certainly vary.

The next layer of this system is the marital relationship.  As one family member marries another person, then the two families join into each other’s kinship system.  In the USA, where I come from, the families of two people who marry generally do not form a relationship with each other, unless they are very, very close to the people who marry.  Of course, the groom would become close with the bride’s family, and vice versa.  Here, though, the ties between families of people who marry become much closer and go much deeper.  This layer of the kinship system extends the “family circle” up to around 200 or 300 pepole.  That extended family is starting to get kind of big, don’t you think?

OK, we still have one more layer to look at.  That layer is the Ritual Kin.  This generally consists of people whom you choose to be kin, instead of them being chooses by blood or by others who decide to marry.  As an example, if a couple has a baby, when the baby is baptised, the couple chooses “Ninongs” and “Ninangs” for the child.  The English equivalent of this would be Godfathers and Godmothers.  In my society, though, usually there is one Godfather and one Godmother.  Here, there can be many of each.  I suppose any number can be chosen, but in general 3 or 4 of each will probably be chosen.  Basically, once you have served as a Ninong, you become a relation to each of the other Ninongs, each of the Ninangs, and the family of the child.  Recently, I served as Ninong for a child of a friend.  The photo you see above in this article was taken at a lunch that we all enjoyed together after the Church service.  The friend who’s child was baptised is a very good friend, and a reader of this site.  I am not going to identify her, because I don’t know if she wants to be publicly identified.  If she wants to, she can do so in the comments.  While we were having lunch, one of the other Ninongs came to me and said “we are Kompare now” which means that we are sort of “family” to each other, or at least very close friends.  Probably more than just friends, though, it’s a special relationship.  Now, this not only includes baptisms, but weddings, and such too.  Imagine how the extended family can grow when these relationships are added!  The Ritual Kin extends the Kinship system of the individual out to around 400 people, although there is not set rule, and it can be more or less than the number I gave.

Well, after this article, we have only one more aspect of SIR to explore, and it is probably the aspect that is most controversial to foreigners like most people reading this.  It is the thing that non-Filipinos rail about most in regards to Filipinos and Philippine society.  Can you guess what it is?  If you can’t, that’s OK, we will look into that one in the next week or so.

SIR: Garbo – "Self Esteem, Self Worth"

It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted an article in my series about SIR , mostly due to the holidays.  I felt that with everybody so busy due to the holidays, it would be good to hold off on the SIR series until the holidays finished up, so we will get back on track today with the series of articles.  For anybody who has forgotten what “SIR” is, it is the foundation of Filipino Culture, and it stands for “Smooth Interpersonal Relations” or the way that relationships with other people are handled in Filipino society.

For today’s SIR topic, we will focus in on “Garbo” which is Self Esteem or Self Worth.  If you think about it, most all of these aspects of SIR tie together quite nicely.  As I am sure any regular reader will remember, and probably already knew, a major thing in the Philippines is avoiding the loss of face, and when you think about that, it is really tied in with Garbo.  I mean, if you cause somebody to lose face, they suffer in their self esteem, right?

Garbo refers to the need of the Filipino to be treated as a person, not as an object.  His sense of personal worth, his individual dignity, is especially vulnerable to negative remarks from others.

I have an example of this in mind.  About a month ago, I was reading a blog written by a Filipino.  I wish I had a link to share, but I forgot where I read it, and although I’ve searched extensively for it, I can’t find it.  Anyway, this Filipino blogger was telling about how he had gone to a bake shop that day.  When he got there, he was second in line.  The person in front of him was a Korean expat living here in the Philippines.  Apparently, the Korean told the clerk at the bakeshop what he wanted to order, and she could not understand him.  He kept telling her what he wanted, but she was unable to understand him still.  After a while, he started getting upset, and he was yelling at the clerk.

Well, when the Korean guy started yelling, this really went over bad with this blogger who was observing the situation.  He started writing about how terrible it was that this Korean guest of the Philippines was berating this Filipina, how mean he was, etc.  It was very clear in my mind that this was a matter of Garbo, and also loss of face.

While reading this blog, I also felt sorry for the Korean that was being written about, though.  I mean, I’ve been there myself where I was in a situation where I was trying to get a message across to a Filipino, and they could not understand what I was talking about.  In my case, it is more often a matter that they will understand the words I am saying, but they simply don’t get the idea as a whole.  For the Korean man, I am sure that his accent made it very hard to understand the words themselves, and that lead to problems.

As I said, I’ve been in this type of situation before, and most of the time I have handled it badly.  I know that there are proper ways to handle this without attacking a person’s self worth.  However, often times you get into such a situation, and everything that you know goes out the door when you get very frustrated.  Invariably, when I am in this kind of situation, I will say something that I should not say.  I will say something that makes the other person feel bad, and that reflects badly on me.  I am not as bad as I used to be about this kind of thing, but I still need to improve on it.

Well…  as I sit here typing this, images of other foreigners that I’ve seen losing their cool are coming to my head.  Yes, I do need to improve, but I’ve seen some pretty bad incidents like this, and thankfully, I have not gone as far as some others do.

You know what’s funny, though?   When I step out of bounds, and I know that I did, I get pretty embarrassed about it.  I walk away, but in my mind I am kicking myself and feeling really bad about it.  I might still be blaming the other person in my words, but in my gut and in my mind, I realize that I messed up.  Again.  I always pledge that I won’t do it again.  But, invariably I do.  I’m getting better, though.

Remember, you need to be careful about this.  Causing the loss of face can lead to very serious consequences, even death.  And, this is all tied in with Garbo.  So, don’t cause a loss of self esteem or self worth to a Filipino!

Rediscovery

In this busy world where we are always on the run, sometimes we lose track of things.  Sometimes we forget and leave our cellphone somewhere.  Other times we forget where we put our car keys.  Frankly, we can lose track of anything.  Sometimes we even lose track of who we are.  I think that it is actually fairly common to lose track of who we are these days.  There are so many different influences entering our lives that we can be swayed a bit, and a little bit more continuously until we have moved quite a large distance.  When our values move like that, it can change our basic nature of who we are.

My wife, Feyma, came to the States when she was 22 years old.  In many ways, she was still like a child.  Of course, she was an adult in terms of her years, but she was still in the process of forming the person that she was.  She was vulnerable to new ideas and influences that she encountered.  Moving to a different country at a vulnerable time like that can make a major impact on a person’s life.  That happened with Feyma.  I have said many times on this site that Feyma changed a lot in the States.  She became a lady, and she became an American lady at that.  By the time she had lived ten years in the United States, Feyma was nothing like the girl that I married those many years ago.  I don’t mean that as an insult, or anything negative, I only am stating a fact.  It is a fact that she even agrees with.

Because Feyma had changed so much, moving back to the Philippines was a major change for her too.  In changing, she had actually forgotten much about what it was to be a Filipino.  I have written a lot lately about SIR, and how Filipino Culture works.  I learned something new about it, and about Feyma this week.

As I have written on this site many times now, I started studying the Bisaya langauge about a year and a half ago.  My teacher is Bebe Metillo.  Bebe is a great teacher, and she not only teaches me the language, she helps me understand the local culture too.  The two areas of study go hand in hand.  Over my time of studying with Bebe, I have noticed that Feyma is coming to my office and hanging out with Bebe more and more.  Sometimes Feyma just listens to our class, other times she gets into discussions with Bebe.  Since Bebe and I have been getting somewhat involved in culture more for a couple of months, I have noticed that Feyma pays a lot of attention, and participates in the discussion.  I like it, and it gives me additional insight into Feyma and into the culture too.

Earlier this week, Feyma and I went to Bukidnon to visit a friend.  On the ride home, we were talking, and the discussion was kind of a deep philosophical discussion.  It covered a lot of different issues.  After a while, Feyma told me something.

“You know,” said Feyma, “Bebe has helped me rediscover myself.”

This is a very strong statement.  Feyma went on to explain to me that in her time in the States, she had, in many ways, forgotten the cultural things about being Filipino.  The things that Bebe has been teaching me have helped her move her life back toward the direction that she knew before we married.  Feyma thanks Bebe for steering her in a direction that lead her back toward understanding who she was, who she has become, and who she wants to be.

Profound, don’t you think?  I sure do.  I knew already that Bebe had been very helpful to me, but finding out that Feyma had also benefitted from Bebe surprised me, but also made me feel good.

I guess that no matter what our age, we are all on a path of discovering who we are.  That path can help us change ourselves in ways that change the basic make-up of who we are.  We can change who we are, and move closer to who we want to be.  I am not sure we can ever become 100% who we want to be, because we will always refine our definition of who we want to be, so it will change and improve all the time.

I’m glad to know that Feyma has been on that journey too, and that she is getting closer to the place she wants to end up.

Thanks to Bebe.

SIR: Tigpataliwala

It’s Tuesday, so let’s get back to my SIR series!  For today’s installment, let’s look at a different area of SIR, Tigpataliwala, or the “Go Between”.  The go between is critical in the day to day functioning of Philippine society, so it is important for us foreigners to learn about it and understand what it is all about.

Here is what my study materials have to say about the go between:

TIGPATALIWALA ~ “Go Between”

The use of a go-between or mediator is a common means of restoring or preserving smooth interpersonal relations.

Common situations where a go-between would be used: an embarrassing request, a complaint or a difficult decision to be communicated.

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