Dear Feyma, I saw your website recommended by my friend. I am writing to you maybe some Filipina went through what my sister gotten into her married life. She’s married to an American. When they were writing, the guy he is nice and getting along with my family. I am married to a guy from Europe. I am lucky to have married him. He is really a nice man. My sister on the other hand was just so unlucky in love.
Anyway, they were married in the Philippines. My family came from the Northern part of the Philippines. My family thought everything was okay with them. It looks that way anyway. My sister got her papers process after the wedding. Over a year after the wedding, she went to the States. My sister said the marriage was okay in the beginning. Few years after living together, she can see signs already of the husbands bad behavior. At first my sister stayed in the house, since they had no children yet, the husband said it was okay for my sister to go get a job. So my sister was happy since not much to do at their house. She works as a waitress in a small restaurant. I think after months of working, my brother-in-law didn’t like it that my sister was out of the house. So it didn’t take long my sister quit her job and stayed home again. Well, my brother-in-law when they had arguments starts hurting my sister. It really shocked my sister because she never thought he’s that type of a man. But he did. My sister just let go the first physical fight. But later on he started doing it more often, my sister finally said that enough is enough and move out and stayed with my cousin on the other State.
[wb_fb_f name=”Feyma Bayoy Martin” id=””] He tries to ask for forgiveness, but my sister, she’s not yet ready to be with him again. My family was not happy with the outcome with the marriage of my sister, but my parents supports my sister a hundred percent and they don’t want also my sister to be the punching bag of my brother-in-law. I know that there’s 2 sides to the story. But my sister has evidence that she’s been abuse and she sent it to my parents. So I don’t want to start a debate here. I just want to share with you what my sister been through. The husband had no power to have my sister deported since she’s already a resident of America. We thank god for that. Maraming salamat Feyma for reading my email. Hanggang sa uulitin. Hannah.
Hi Hannah,
Thank you so much for writing. I’ve heard to many stories similar to what your sister been through. But not just Filipina to foreigner kinda marriage. It’s really a universal problem. Abusive people makes excuses to abuse somebody and blame the victims for their behavior. Like your sister, I bet you she’s the one blamed by your brother-in-law of his bad behavior. You know It’s been going on also with some members of my family and other people that I know. We really tried to help out the one in our family, we want her to leave her husband but unfortunately it never happened her leaving him. He left the wife for a year or so, and we the family were so happy, but he came back and beg for forgiveness and the wife give in. Same cycle again. We just give up and leave them alone. It’s been going on for so long that we just shrug it off. Nothing we can do about it anymore. Very frustrating.
I really hope Hannah that your sister will be safe and she will really decide what’s really best for her. You and your family can’t decide about that. Praying for peace of mind for her. Good luck to you and your family especially to your sister. God bless!
the apologies usually keep coming…and the forgiveness keeps being given…and nothing ever changes…such a vicious cycle…
Unfortunately you are correct Bob! happens in ALL cultures! I’ve always said that it does not take much of a “Man” to hit a Woman. Maybe if the abused women would take a baseball bat against the “Men” while they are asleep and break their arms all of this abuse would stop. What’s good for the Gander is also good for the Goose, just MY opinion!
Hi Bob Snapp – Yep one of the most vicious cycle in the universe and the sad part it never change.
The victims gives too many chances to the abuser. Oh well… Nothing we can do if the victims would not do anything about it.
Happy New Year to you!
Bob, I’ve been in law enforcement for 24 years here in the states and have had to deal with this far too often. There is no, I repeat NO excuse for a man to strike a woman…EVER! I’ve personally jailed many of these people, and they don’t change. They may put on a good act for the judge, and promise their victim that they’ll “never do it again”, but most of the time they do. I pray for the sister of this woman, and I pray that even though from what I hear divorce is highly frowned upon in the Philippines, that this woman’s family will support her if she does the right thing and leaves this jerk. IMHO, from my personal experience, these cowardly punks will never change no matter how convincing their lies are. May God bless and protect her.
Hi George Sides – That must be exhausting for you to see the victim being abuse again. You want to do something, but the victim will not. That’s would be hard.Yep like you we all are praying for the sister of Hannah. I’m hoping too that her sister will not take back the guy.
Thank you so much for stopping by. Happy New Year!
Oh my God! We need to implement a law to protect women in PH from both physical and mental abuse.
Hi Tootsie Bina Sonia – It happened in the States. But it’s been going on here in the PI too. Been seeing lots of women here being abuse and forgives the husband.
They had laws here against abusive people. But lots of times the victims just drop the charges. So nothing happens. Same cycle the abuse begins again.
Happy New Year to you!
Hi Bob – Yes, that is the pattern that I see too.
Hi George – Terrible… and you see it first hand, so your information is spot on, I think.
Hi Tootsie Bina Sonia – this occurred in the USA, not sure if you read the article. 😉
Bob it happens here too. But laws do not protect if they are not enforced by both the Police and the Courts! The USA has passed many laws but Many are never enforced.
I know there are two sides to the story. Sometimes the signs are there but ignored. You watch how he treats animals, or how his interaction is with retail clerks. If he is abusive in language and manners to them, then it is just a matter of time before he turns to home.
HI Juan Bala – Correct, there’s two sides of the story. But mostly the victims will not say something anymore. Most of the time the guilty one (abuser) is the one keeps yakking all the time.
Like what the sister of Hannah did, she let it pass at first when he did abuse her for the first time. Then he continue on and on.
Hopefully many victims will fight back their abuser by not dropping the charges. Make them stay in jail for a long time and leave the abuser even if they ask for forgiveness.. I bet you lots of abuser will stop.
Thank you so much for your comment. Happy New Year!
No, not yet Bob… I miss understood, but I believed you. Oh by the way, I was a victim of mentally and physically abused by my husband. He was so controlling and cruel to me. He treated me just like a second class citizen and not a wife. I found him watching pornographic all the time. I felt I don’t deserved to have him in my life, disgusting! He called me all kinds of dirty names. He screamed and yelled a lot which is not in my culture and tradition. So, I couldn’t wait to take an action. I ran away from him for three years (homeless). Thank God, to my lawyer who convinced me to return home. If anything happens in home just call her. Anyway, he changed a lot since I left him. I know several Filipinas that are being abused by their partners here in MI.
Sorry to hear abuse your ordeal Tootsie Bina Sonia.Good for you for leaving him. I hope too many people like you that they will not put up with it. Hats off to you for that. You should be proud of yourself for leaving that man.I wish you all the best Tootsie.
Those Filipina women in Michigan, did some of them do something about it to the abuser? Hopefully so.
Hoping for a good 2014 to all!
That is not good, Tootsie, I am sorry to hear that. I am glad that he changed, and I hope it stays that way. Good luck to you.
He should be, I hope so. I believed he can’t do hurt me anymore. I became strong and wiser now. I went different professional to ask advise. Everyone said the same thing. I have good support from good friends and co-workers. My husband didn’t want a divorce because he’s afraid for reason of something. So our conditions now is I can live in the house with freedom. we divided anything in the house. I am free, and I can date or I can get what I want. Besides after all these years of (wrong) marriage he got lots of medical problems (he made the doctors and pharmacy rich).
His med problems are NO REASON for you to stay at the house and be his nurse. Get YOUR OWN life back, just because you can “Date” does not make everything right! You will have to be FREE! as long as you are still legally married you are comitting adultery and can be prosecuted under Philippine Law, think about it!
Hi Tootsie Bina Sonia – I hope and pray for the best for you. Unfortunately I agree with some part of what Heinz said. But no matter what we say here, you decide according to what you want. It’s not my intention to judging you. You’re an adult you know what’s best for you.
Good luck to you. Happy New Year!
that is so sad
Hi Millet Aviles Ty – Very sad indeed!
Happy New Year!
An unfortunate situation that occurs everywhere. I had a GF once from Russia. She was a millionaire there (just after fall of communism) and the Russian Mafia decided they liked her business and took it over, Then they decided they liked her too right! and they began to physically abuse her and turned her to prostitution. A crazy world we live in. Even though this particular event in today’s LIP took place in the USA be aware that the Philippines attracts many men who have serious problems. That is why they come here as well as they can’t function back in their own countries and there are many women here who are physically and mentally abused and are too afraid to do anything about it. It really is a sad, sad situation. In my opinion women should go through special defense training and even consider having a firearm (interestingly enough I am vehemently against guns) to protect themselves. I have even heard stories about women married to foreigners who are abused and then go to their siblings who turn a blind eye to it due to the financial benefits they may be getting from the husband. That is also very sick!!!
Hi corey – Too many victims, I hope they will fight back to the sicko abuser.
Thank you for your comment.
Happy New Year!
The Violence Against Women Act says that an abused wife has the right to self-petition to stay. The following links are to info about in English and the flyer in Tagalog.
They will have to report the abuse to have it proven, but if the are realloy abused, that is the process immigrint or otherwise.
It is not right to suffer abuse, sposal or otherwise or to let things happen to your kids. The US law recognizes that if you come her ein good faith for a marriage, you can stay, especially if abused.
Some of us American men have fallen in love with a Filipina, but some out there want a Filipina wife because they think they can control her.
Good luck.
http://www.uscis.gov/sites/default/files/USCIS/Humanitarian/Battered%20Spouse%2C%20Children%20%26%20Parents/IMBRA%20Pamphlet%20Final%2001-07-2011%20for%20Web%20Posting.pdf
http://travel.state.gov/pdf/IMBRA_Tagalog.pdf
Hi Tom Popp – Thank you so much for the link. Hoping that those victims will really seek out shelter. Help are given anyway in the US just go to the WOMEN SHELTER. In the Philippines the victims can go to the DSWD office.
I’m pretty sure in every countries in the world they have shelter for the victims (especially women, kids and elderly) of the abuser.
thank you for your comment. Happy New Year!
http://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-parents
Thanks Tom Popp
In answer to Tootsie Bina Sonia ‘s predicament the Philippines has made great strides over the last 12 years and since early 2000 has enacted the “anti violation towards women laws” which covers a variety of complaints such as violence ,abandonment and abusive behavior . Senator Miriam Santiago being the main campaigner to protect womens rights and instigate such laws ….sadly as much as we implement these laws there will always be a story we hear about abuse to women and children .
Hi les trow – Thank you so much for letting us know here. The problem when the victims go seek help and when the police and DSWD gets involve later the victim will just drop the charges because she forgives the guy. Abuse happens again and cycle begins again.
Thank you so much though for the heads up. Hopefully the victims will really report and let the abuser be punish.
Happy New Year!
there is no excuse for physical abuse and no one should have to be treated like that. but breaking the cycle of abuse can be difficult. in America there are many safe houses for women being abused
Bob it is time for her to walk away no one need to put up with that today ok who the hell think he his a big man how i hate men that hit there wiife scum
Hi Pedro JoshMart – I agree for sure. Hopefully she will just move on with her life without him.
Thank you for stopping by. Happy New Year!
I know it is mostly men who read this website, but I would advise women who are dating a man from abroad to find a way to check his police record where he came from. It would be well worth the money! Many men who look for wives abroad (and not all, of course) have a past… possibly of spousal abuse, or child abuse. Many are looking for a wife who will be easy to dominate (Poor? needy?), and control.
I ask girls here, “How do you know this man is not writing to you from prison?” “How do you know he is not interested more in your children?” I would ask the men, “How do you know you are not a green card to her?” How do you know if she is married already to someone else?” There is a lot of risk in internet relationships. I have known plenty of people, Bob among them, who have been wonderfully blessed in the marriage they found! I know plenty of Filipinas who are happily married overseas to good men! But there are plenty of broken hearts as well.
Do what you can to make sure you really know as much as you can about the person you are thinking of marrying!
Lola: you are absolutely correct in all that you have mentioned, I need not say more!
Hi americanlola – I totally agree with you. Nowadays in just one click you can find the identity of the person by just browsing on the net. Find where that guy lives and go from there. Gosh, when Bob and I met before no internet yet at that time.
Gee, just too many scumbag now on the internet. Both men and women. BUT, some victims they will just overlook the first few signs.Then it lead to more and more abuse.
I know a girl who is married to a foreigner. The guy seems nice but you can tell he is kinda weird (behavior wise-he just seems off to me). If I will tell the lady she would say that I’m making stories. So I just leave it at that and let her do what she wants to do. It turned out later that the guy was abusive. Even after what happened I never said anything to the lady what I think of her man. I will help her if she ask help from me.
Thank you AmericanLola for advising the ladies that you know there in your area. Lots of the young women now wants to marry a foreigner or person from abroad. I hope that more advice are given to them. It will be sad if it happen to them what happened to the sister of Hannah.
Thank you for stopping and for your comment here. Happy New Year to you & Ed!
Not the new year article I was expecting, however a very import subject. To answer American Lola in part, the ladies should investigate the men before they meet. There are web sites that let you lookup a person by name and state. There are some that charge a members fee $x per year, while it would be expensive for many filipinas perhaps Bob through is service to men coming to meet woman could amorise that into his charge and furnish the woman with that info to the woman, if the gentleman agreed. While there are laws to prevent abuse very few are put in jail or prison for it. Wives are afraid to press charges, afraid for ridicule, ashamed, some fear there is no one else. To any in this country most states have laws that say HALF and free help and housing for abused women and the children. A restraining order and a letter from an attorney with a subpoena. The lady should also know that Half usually means half + Like the song she gets the gold mine and he gets what he deserves. BUT IN NO CASE GO BACK TO THAT MAN.
I think its worth pointing out that some men are victims of domestic abuse too, and they face many of the same issues.
Hi Feyma,
Happy New Year! I enjoyed reading your article! Spousal abuse happens in way too many marriages, but I feel a Filipina married to a foreigner living in his country is in a very bad situation due to the lady being far from her support network of friends and family. One of my wife’s sisters was in a bad marriage and her brothers were afraid the Filipino man in this case might be getting physical with their sister. The brothers talked to the man and eventually he did abandon his wife, but he did not beat her.
In the US there are many very isolated areas where it would be difficult for a woman especially a Filipina to get help. The lady could easily finds herself trapped in a very bad situation. Before I brought my wife to the US on her fiance visa I reached out to people in my city who I believed were Filipino so my wife would not feel isolated when she came. A lot of Filipnas my wife included when she first came here do not know how to drive and in the US that can make someone isolated.
In my particular ethnic heritage, a so-called man who beats a woman is taken care of by other men in a very quick and defintive way.