Rebecca, see that jeepney is going to Baclaran. That means “place of baklas”, doesn’t it?
The taxi driver snickers…
“It does not, and you know very well that it does not!!!”
“OK… Well, why did they call it Baklaran, then?”
“Baclaran means “Place where things are made”, and I’ve told you that before… You are just trying to tease me!”
“I’m not teasing… just… being… curious… That’s all.”
“No, you are picking on me!”
“You aren’t bakla…”
Usher in tampo…
Stirring the pot once in a while keeps life interesting. Sometimes, I think I’m in perpetual tampo. I was once told by an old boss, “Gee, it must be magic being married to you… After I told him about making the toilet seat explode when one of my exes sat on it.”
What women don’t seem to understand is that us guys don’t mind tampo once in a while… I hide upstairs in my office, do some work, play video games, and download crappy old American TV shows for a couple of nights. It can be fun. Tampo is a break… No responsibility. No female stuff. My son will join me upstairs and he and I have a guy’s night. I can drink beer without anyone counting (He gets juice).
Well, I’m moping. Tampo is long over, but I’ve been exiled to my office every night at 9:00 PM for the last week. See, Rebecca’s brother and his girlfriend have been staying here with us for a couple of months. They really are what I would call “perfect” houseguests… No bother at all, even the tiniest little bit.
So, as being the only kano in the house, it was quietly brought up that, “You know, when you travel, we get to watch all our telenovelas!” Followed by a ^wink…
Oh… Well, I’ll watch them with you!
Well, that option was not taken very favorably.
It seems, under what pretenses I’ll never know or even be able to hazard a guess, that I have been accused of having a habit of being a real smartass on occasion.
So, what caused my exile?
The last telenovela that I watched, it seems that I was wrongly accused of playing with the volume control on the TV. So, seeing a glowing blue girl on the screen and actors with no voices, I made up my own dialogue, a la Mystery Science Theatre 3,000, or Rocky Horror.
Unfortunately, the others in the house did not find the humor in it. It backs up my assertion that all Filipino dramas are essentially the same… Just different actors and the script shifted around a bit. A bit of crying, someone dies, more crying, someone goes to jail, more crying, love triangle, more crying, some blue or green or red complexion girl gets lost, followed by a healthy dose of more tears (Wait, people actually get paid to write this stuff?) Here’s my dialogue, until I was so rudely interrupted:
“Oh, Juan, I would go anywhere with you, but Rosalie put a curse on me that grew a giant hemmorrhoid!”
“Never mind, Maria, I will love you forever!” “Too bad I was born without testicles, or we could marry…”
“Oh!!! Oh!!! Swoon! Swoon!!!”
“I don’t care about you testiclelessness… I still love you!”
<<cue sappy music>>
“I visited the doctor today… My ass has……………..CANCER!!!!”
“Yes, Juan!!!! I’m a goner!”
“Well, let’s just do it in the pool one more time!”
Rosalie enters, interrupts them, and turns into an aswang.
“You Biatch!!!!” “Wait! I’m changing!!!!” “AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!”
“I’M GOING TO EAT YOUR TWO HEADED LOVE CHILD!!!! AAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!”
Maria pushes her into the pool…and she expires.
“Take that you biatch!”
The police arrive and arrest Maria since they don’t believe that Rosalie was an aswang.
Simple. Just shift the words around and change the names. Anyway, since they got interested in following the current drama when I went away, and my color commentary is not really appreciated, I’m in exile. I’m outnumbered. It’s like tampo, but with no tampo.
Hogan’s Heroes reruns, I guess…
Truth is, it’s a little frightening. Not certain what to expect now. Has the moon turned red? Is the sky falling?
Only time will tell.
In any event, for the guys reading this, try it out with your asawa… MST3K was a great show, and even “Attack of the 50 ft. Woman” (I used to really like when they dis the Gamera movies… Nothing like Tokyo getting squished by a giant turtle) was better than most telenovelas. Fun and educational, besides. Worst that can happen is one or two day tampo!
John Miele is a Citizen of the World, having spent time in many locations around the globe. Currently, he finds himself in Manila, but travels throughout the Philippines. John joined the Live in the Philippines Web Magazine in mid-2008.