You know, different cultures mean different values, different ways of looking at things, different practices. No culture is right, and no culture is wrong, they are just different from each other. Some people prefer one culture, some people prefer another. Nothing wrong with that at all. Variety is, after all, the spice of life!
One thing in Philippine culture, and also in most Asian cultures is that respect is automatically given to certain people. Older people get respect. People with certain jobs get respect. People with money get respect. On the other hand, in most western cultures, respect is something that must be earned, it is not given automatically in most cases.
Here in the Philippines, family relations are deeply respect-based. An older brother or sister will be given a “title” (Manong, Manang, Kuya, Ate, etc.). The exact title used varies depending on region, and also varies from one family to the next. It would be considered unusual for a younger sister to call an older brother by his name – that lacks the respect that should be shown.
However, what if an older brother or sister is not such a good person? What if that person does not show respect for others? What if that older brother treats his parents in a poor manner? Should the younger sibling still show respect for such a disrespectful elder sibling? Well, in my culture, respect would not be given to such a disrespectful person. But, here in the Philippines it would be considered poor behavior to withhold such respect.
For example, what if “Kuya” treats his mother poorly? What if Kuya has a good deal of money, yet he refuses to buy medicine for his sick, elderly mother? Does he deserve to be “Kuya” (the title itslef denotes respect for him) any longer?
In the west, “Kuya” would not be respected, at least not to the extent that he used to be respected, if he was a bad person. Respect in the west must be earned, and if Kuya is not helping Mama, he no longer is earning the respect. Here in the Philippines, not only must Kuya continue to be respected, and addressed with respect, but actually to not show him respect would be downright shameful!
I find that a basic cultural attitude like this is very hard to adjust to. I cannot show respect for a person who does not deserve it. No matter how hard I would try, this kind of thing is an adjustment that I simply cannot make.
How about you?
I agree respect should be earned. In the military you are respected for your rank which is not necessarily any reflection on the type of person or leader you are. But Bob say you earn respect by doing something such as working much of your life to provide for your parents and younger siblings but then you falter one time and do something disrespectful such as missing a family gathering or not visiting a sick family member in the hospital. Does that mean everything you have done prior is forgotten?
Hi Dan Mihaliak – No, I don't think that a single act jeopardizes everything you have earned. It is only a blip on the radar, and might bring you down a notch, but in most cases, to me it will not pull you all the way down. I am mostly talking about a lifetime, or years of disrespectful behavior.
Maayong buntag Bob
It is also difficult for me to show respect to some one that has shown over and over again they have no respect for others. But in the west more and more I see parents and grand parents being shown no respect. Most people are good about showing respect but I am seeing a growing number in the younger generation that are not showing respect. My wife has a hard time with the way my sister show little respect to our parents. I know it is not perfect but I feel it is commendable the way Asia culture shows respect.
🙂
Hello Bob,
I agree with your comments in this, as I to think the respect most be earned first before it is given. I spent over half of my life in the Australian defence forces, so you quickly learn about rank and respect.
Like most structured systems it is open to abuse, by people who automatically think rank brings respect. Even in the defence forces abusers of the rank are very much fround upon and are unlikey to be promoted any further.
The trouble with the Philippine system of respect, is that it is so open to abuse and very much missed used by anybody who has any form of authority.
I will give an example of what happened to my former Filipina wife when she first can to Sydney. Her first job was with a filipino guy who into packing goods for certain companies. This person and his wife would only employ filipinos, the reason was because he was breaking the Australian laws with under paying his employees, neglecting safety standards and numerious other things he should have not been doing.
So when my wife told me about this I said why do the employees not say something to improve the conditions. They would do anything about it, instead they just kept winging about the job, so I did do something about it,I was not very popular after that.
My wife thought I was being disrespectfull against her employer, I said no I was concerned about her and her friends being exploited by their boss.
These days any of my former wife's friends who move to Australia I advise them not to work for filipinos, as they will not be paid properly and used to work long hours. They do not often believe me, but after while once they have settled in they believe what I have said is true.
It has always amazed me who some filipinos respect a person, when you know personaly that person is a crook or to put bluntly an arsehole.
Steven
Respect is a courtesy which if properly exercised becomes a title.
Hi Larry – I think that a balance somewhere in between western and eastern cultures would probably be about right in this instance. What do you think?
Hi Steven – Like you, it makes me sad to see Filipinos put a lot of respect toward a person who, in my opinion does not deserve it. Usually that respect is mis-placed, and would be better channeled elsewhere.
Hi brian – Ah, but the key is… what is the "proper" exercise of respect? 😉
Hi Bob,I also feel that respect should be earned and this is part of my culture also.However i do find the discipline and respect of Filipino kids refreshing, even if a little misguided.Many of the youth in the west have little respect for anything,they sing and shout about it but rarely show it.Maybe a mixture of the two cultures would be the answer.In modern Malaysia they based their culture and discipline by combining the best of both cultures East/West,so it can work,regards Chas.
Hi chas – When it comes to kids, I agree, respect from them should be automatic. They do not have the ability to make judgments on who should or should not be respected. The situation that I wrote about, though, was about a person who is in her 30's, and the brother is in his 50's. The 50 something brother, while quite wealthy by Filipino standards, refuses to purchase medicine or even a sack of rice for his 80 year old mother, who is very sickly. For me, that person deserves no respect.
To me therespect issue is almost "Feudal" in a way. When you get down to the center of it, it's a control issue. If the respect system broke down then people here might actually do something about the corruption in the country but as it stands now, they just keep electing the same people because they should respect them. Maybe I am off track here.
This is a real life aspect of 'culture shock' which manyforeigners are unprepared for. A great example is offical titles. Example, if a Filipino has graduated from an engineering course at college s/he must be address officially as "Engineer de la Cruz" not Mr. or Ms. or Mrs. Here in my little backwater we have 300 homes and a Home Owner's Association with 13 members of the Bard of Governors. Each one runs an extensive political campaign every single year to be re-elected. Politics and prestige at its finest?
One of the things the board does is run our water system. There are two designated collectors of water bills … these folks spend a couple afternoons each month collecting the montly bills. They are not employees, their are compensated by commissions based on what they collect. Hardly a full-time job, each month the collection commissions run about 6 or 7,000 Pesos total.
Last year, during"'election season" (coming soon to a barangay near you) the Association sent out a document which mentioned one of the collectors as Ms. so-and-so. It caused a tremendous row at the next board meeting and the document had to be reprinted and re-distributed to correct the board's egregious lack of respect, listing the woman as "Collector so-and-so", the "proper" title to which as in independent, part time functionary she was obviously entitled.
One thing you'll learn in the Philippines is, you have to get things right.
Hi Bob
I see respect in 2 catagories. First one is outer or cold respect, this respect or maybe a better word for it might be deference, it is something that comes with social stature, a persons place in society or in your family, you show it by acknowledgement, it does not necessarily mean that you approve or have any personal feeling for them.
The other respect comes from within yourself, it is given wholeheartedly and with feeling, it is something that you give as a reward because a person has earned and deserves it.
Jack
Hi Bob- Us Aussies are just about the worst nation for showing a lack of respect to our SUPERIORS. Mate, if you want the "respect you DESERVE", from an Aussie you are damn well gunna have to earn it.
This attitude has to change pretty quick when we travel to place like R.P as the consequences can be severe!
Anyway I must say you have certainly earned my respct "Uncle Bob"
hi bob,
There seem to be a misconception about calling people names like kuya, ate or such, that is not necessarily a respect, those names are just simply a way to identify the person, i.e. the word "kuya" means the person is older than you. i can call you kuya and at the same time bad mouth in front of you, or i can call your wife ate and yell at her at the same time.
just to make it clear, there are different names you can use to identify the sibling in the family without using their realnames and at the same time identify them whether they are older or younger than you.
1. Ate – first sibling (female)
2. Ditse – second sibling (female)
3. Sanse – third (female)
4. Kuya – first (male)
5. Diko – second (male)
6. Sangko – thrid (male)
there are more names that i don't know of, these names came from the chinese and these are not necessarily a means to show respect,
let me calrify more on how to use it, supposed, your family consist of the following and in this order.
1st sibling female – Ate
2nd sibling male – Kuya
3rd sibling female – Ditse
4th sibling male – Diko
5th sibling male – Sangko
6th sibling female – Sanse
to use it is very simple, let say there are six siblings in the family and you are the fifth one but the third male sibling, your older and younger siblings can call you Sangko and that is your title, you can have the title of Kuya IF you are the first male sibling.
the real show of respect is the use of PO and OPO when talking to the older people and with a soft voice, Generally, if you don't know if the person in the family you are talking to is youger or older, the use of KUYA is accepted, however, alway try to find the order of the siblings and use the appropriate names for them.
as i said, using these names are not necessarily a show of respect but rather just to identify the person.
here are the two sentences showing respect and disrespect.
Kuya, Kain na. – no respect.
Kuya, Kain na PO – with respect
so bob, next time someone call you kuya, don't get too comfortable with it, the key to know if you are respected is by hearing the word "po" and "opo" plus of course the soft voice that comes with it.
Hi BrSpiritus – I don't think you are off track at all… in fact, I think you hit the nail on the head! I had not even considered it recently, but you are right. I think that a lot of corruption is due to feeling that you must show respect. To complain or turn somebody in who has done wrong, that would be disrespectful. Good catch there!
Hi Bob,thanks for elaborating on your story,i slightly missed the point.I would say the person in question is not only dis respectful to his mother,but also a tight wad,regards Chas.
Hi Dave Starr – Interesting example about the bill collectors. In the States, somebody who goes around and collects the bills certainly would not garner a lot of respect, at least not in conjunction with the position they hold.
Hi Jack – I can't say that I have ever seen or experienced that "inner" and "outer" types of respect, but if that is the way it works, it is better than respect just being given for no reason.
Hi anthony – I suspect that your Aussie customs and our American customs are quite similar.
Hmm.. "Uncle" Bob! Thanks for that! 😆
Hi dans – Over the 18 years that I have had some association with the Philippines, I have been told that calling somebody "Kuya" is a sign of respect for the person. I understand that it is also a name given to an older brother or whatever too, but I believe it is still a sign of respect. Basically, I've been told that by hundreds of Filipinos, and you are the first to tell me that it is not so. I'll go with the numbers on this one.
By the way, Po is not generally used in the Visayas and Mindanao… that's more in the Tagalog regions, at least in my experience.
Hi chas – Thanks for the follow up on that. You did miss my point, but I think that I just didn't explain it clearly enough. The way I talked about siblings could easily lead somebody to believe that I was talking of children!
I must say, I fully agree with your latest assessment! 😆
I have just been watching a replay of Gretchen Espina winning the Pinoy Idol, and couldnt help but make a comment on the situation on Biliran Island.
Gretchen is from a wealthy and powerful family, who have been strongly involved in local politics for many years.
People who are anti the Espina family in the province have been very rude and disrespectful to Gretchen purely because of her family background.
Rather than accept she was the best contestant, her opponents have tried to say her family rigged the vote etc.
Feeling run very deep in R.P when it comes to politics.
hi bob,
that is because a lot of filipinos cannot really understand where the names came from, and how it is really used, if you will ask a common pinoy if kuya is a sign of respect, they would answer you in a heartbeat YES, but asked them where it came from, a lot of them don't have a clue, for a common pinoy, the names is a sign of respect because that is what they are taught, if you will look at the history of these names, they came from the chinese, and they are not necessarily a sign of respect but rather a numbering of siblings.
the word "kuya" came from the chinese word "ko" which means an older brother and "a" as a word modifier that denotes kinship, which turn into "KOA" in chinese and "Kuya" in tagalog.
search the internet about it and you learn how these name are in use.
the Po and OPO is a tagalog word to show respect, there should be a counterpart in visayan.
as i said, i can call you kuya and at the same time show a disrespect towards you, i call you kuya because that is your title in the family and not because i respect you.
Hi anthony – I have not seen Pinoy Idol, nor really paid much attention to it, so I don't know about this person who won it. When it comes to politics, though, you just never know how things are going to happen here!
Hi dans – OK, thanks for your comment.
I’m also like you Bob. Respect should not be imposed, one should earned it. What you learned and now believed is also true for the most part. Post #15 was also right in labeling the name/title (basically in tagalog) given to each family member, relatives or even to those people not related to you. In Chinese culture, basically these titles (kuya, ate, etc.) are not actually titles of respect, these are mainly identification who you are within the family structure but when the Philippines adapted this particular culture, it became a show of respect. Unfortunately, there’s no equivalent for ‘Po’ or ‘Opo’ in Bisaya as far as I know. In Bisaya, ‘action speaks louder than words’, so the tone of the voice and gestures are the only indication if one is showing respect or not.
Hi Teng – I agree, I know of no similar or equivalent words as "Po" or "Opo" in Bisaya as what they have in Tagalog. I agree that there are words (such as kuya) which are assigned arbitrarily, but when people think that it is a sign of respect when they use it, then they are indeed showing respect. Just the way I see it, since I have been told literally hundreds of times that those monikers are signs of respect.
Long time no see! Thanks for stopping by. Feyma says hello too.
Hi Bob and Hello to Feyma too – I seldom give comment but I do visit this site regularly. I'm still actually waiting for Feyma's feedback regarding that lot in Samal and I'm sure she will do so when the owner of the subdivision acquires the document I primarily asked before I make any transaction. I hope I could meet you both this coming November. (Sorry if I'm out of the topic)
Many of the friends I made in Iligan City call me Kuya or Kuya Bob. Since I have made some friends there of different ages with the difference being ………..well, lets just say a few decades LOL ….. maybe they call me Kuya because of the difference in age and that is their way of showing respect. Another thing I thought of is sometimes the way a younger person in USA will refer to an elder ( although I dont consider myself " Elder " ) such as in the USA the word Uncle might be used even though there is no real family relation
There were times I had wished they had just called me by name. After thinking about that first however, I felt leave well enough alone. That is how I showed my respect to them. If they want to refer to me as Kuya thats OK, after all I was the visitor to their culture.
Hi Teng – I'll be looking forward to meeting you when you are home!
Hi Bob New York – Lots of people call me Kuya, it's OK with me, I don't mind it. I prefer it to "Sir" which I get more often, though. The one that I really hate is "Sir Bob" that drives me up the wall. 😆
Hi Bob
You know the first time I came to Philippines and met my wifes family, the first members of the family I met were her niece and husband. Now this is embarassing but I will tell you anyway. My wife once told me that there were a lot of Gays in Philippines, so when she introduced us, I naturally went to shake his hand and he, as they do here went to touch his forehead with the back of my hand. When this happened I thought that he was going to kiss it, so I immediately pulled it away, the poor bloke thought I was mental and was totally confused. They explained after that this is a blessing that that younger people give their elders, can you just imagine how I felt.
We still laugh about it to this day though and I'm forgiven. Just thought that I would mention it as it was a totally new jesture to me.
Jack
Hi Bob – Another interesting set of article/responses. When we're "back home," I find myself on the receiving end. Neighbors and non-professional friends and relatives call me "Master Chief" (am a retired Navy MCPO). Professional friends, relatives and acquaintances call me "Accountant" (am a CPA). 😎
It takes some getting used to – I'd prefer they just call me Paul, but voicing that preference would show my disrespect for them. There are other "reflections" of their respect that come with the titles, too. I'm often called on as an "official guest speaker" for one occasion or another (e.g., school graduation), as a judge for official contests (e.g., best looking float contest or beauty contest at municipal fiesta), and of course, being ninong at numerous weddings, baptisms, etc. In these regards, the "respected person" just can't refuse or blow away the request made. Sure, it may mean attending three or four parties on one afternoon, but on the lighter side, one doesn't walk away hungry! 😉
Having married the eldest daughter, I've somehow received the title, "kuya" from family members. (It's really strange hearing my mother-in-law call me "kuya"!) The eldest male sibling is also referred to a "kuya" – when he and I are together, I slip to "manong"
and he stays "kuya." Some responsibilities to the family come with these titles, too, as I'm sure every one knows (including bringing family members to the USA 😆 )
Am continuously on the receiving end of "mano po" as well, but I must make sure that I'm on the giving end with respect to elders, especially the white-haired family elders!
Hi Jack – That story is a classic. I have a few similar things that happened to me on my first trips here. Ha ha…. 😆
Hi Paul – Your story sounds pretty typical of mine too. In my wife's family, the eldest male is Manong and the oldest female is Manang, Kuya is the 2nd oldest male. So, these things vary. Among Feyma's siblings and her Mother, I am "Bob" and that's the way I like it.
hi bob,
manong came from the spanish word "Hermano" which means "Brother", and manang came from "Hermana" which means "Sister", the first three letter "her" is dropped from both words and added the "ng" at the end of it.
Hi dans – Thanks for the info.