Our laundry lady

Well, I am writing today about the lady we have here in the house. She’s really our laundry lady. She’s been with us for 4 months now. She was brought here by our previous laundry lady who also we were happy to have but had to go home to her province because of family problems. The new one, her name is Pat. She’s really a nice lady. When she came for the job, our old laundry lady told me that Pat was beaten up  a few days before by her hubby and that she will report in a few days because she still had the black and blue mark from the beating. My first reaction when they told me did she report the husband to the police? Pat and the old laundry lady told me that they did and the guy was put to jail for a few days. I was asking Pat what’s the job of her dear husband at that time when she first came to the house? She told me none (standby for Filipino term). The old laundry lady said that I think the reason for his being violent was because he was aggravated that he had no job. Well my answer to them was for him to find a job then. He has family to support, the time that he is pouting if he look for a job I bet you money he can find even to be janitor he has to do it. He had 2 kids to support and his wife. I told Pat, before I will hire you to tell your husband not to come to the house.

Pat and her hubby have 2 kids together. Ages 7 and 4 years old. She had 1 kid out of wedlock before she married the guy now. The kid is 14 years old her name is Jane, who is living with the grandparents. So Pat didn’t really spend time with Jane when she was young because Pat was working somewhere in Manila after the birth.  A few years after working in Manila she came back here and started to bond with Jane but it’s too late Jane didn’t know Pat that much and she bonded well with her grandparents and aunts.

So Pat just let the grandparents raise Jane continuously. Once in a while Pat would have Jane at her house since Jane had another siblings now. Sometimes Pat would discipline Jane because she would not study hard in school and go places with her boyfriend even its school day. Her grades are really low some subjects she failed. So Pat tried to scold Jane about her school grades, I guess the grandparents would get mad and even sometimes slap Pat because they think she just had no right for Jane.

Instead of disciplining Jane they will discipline Pat. Like sometimes the grandparents would complain to Pat that Jane would not listen to them, then Pat would tell them that because you guys didn’t discipline her and she thinks she can do anything. They will get mad at Pat, they even let Jane hear sometimes that they argue against Pat.

Sometimes Pat would cry when she’s telling me about the situations at her house. I told her that she should discipline Jane because its her daughter and her parents will not be here forever to be with Jane. That she should discipline Jane before its too late. I told her that its not the grandparents that Jane will blame later if her life is in a mess, that it would be Pat being she’s the mom.

She agreed with me, but typical daughter just a bit scared to say something to the parents. Scared of being the disobedient daughter.  I told her you already the disobedient daughter, you didn’t follow your parents when they asked you not to be pregnant at the young age. Sometimes its hard to advice someone when you know they are not equipped with good knowledge instead with fear.

She brought Jane at the house one day for me to talked to Jane. I was nice to Jane and just asked her what does she wants in life. Jane answered me that she wants to have good life and better life than her mom. I told her if you want to be different and be successful you have to work hard for it. Its not just a hand off. You have to sweat it to earn it. I told her how could you earn if you just going around with your boyfriend? I told her you will end up pregnant at a young age and really you will end up being the laundry lady or the maid someday if your not being careful.

I am really hoping that she will listen. I said that its okay to have boyfriend and be inspired but you also have to do a lot of sacrifices. Work hard on your studies and try to help out your family during weekends. Me and my nieces told Jane the life we had in the farm before, its not an easy life. That really drives us to be successful. I hope she listened to us. I asked Jane if she like and wants the job of her mom being laundry lady? She told me NO. I said I’m sure your mom didn’t want to be the laundry lady but because she didn’t finish school and had the baby at an early age that’s why she end up to be maid or laundry lady.

Like now Jane sometimes comes to our house to help her mom and also for her to eat good food, they’re eating but not totally good food. Jane, she’s really thin for her age. She’s way smaller and thinner than our daughter Jean Jean, who is several years younger than Jane.

Luckily the husband found a job now. He is working with some contractor in fixing lights in the city. Not sure what lights though. I just didn’t asked that much about that anymore. Honestly I want that Pat will have pretty descent life. But she has to work hard though. I hope the husband will continue to help Pat on that quest.

Cheers!

That’s What Friends are For

That’s the words recently sent to me from someone on this web magazine, you see first I have to apologize to the readers of my column here on LIP but last week was a busy one for me and having computer and Internet issues didn’t help.

That’s what brings me to this article this week though, I thought I sent word to the editor of this fine medium, that I had company his week, my mother in law and some family members came from Leyte to stay with us and sell thier farm there in Maragusan. But the message never went out, I don’t know why.

So a week later our Editor sends me a e-mail asking if I am OK, not saying “hey wheres last weeks article” or anything like that but more of a, hey are you OK are you sick ? is there anything I can do for you ? so I thought to myself, yes this group of people that are in a foreign land far from thier original roots do have a genuine concern for one another. The same is to be said for those who are part of this community that are affected by the wrath of mother nature all of us LIP community members have a concern for you and your family and well being.

It really is a warm feeling that although we are not related and really have not spent any considerable time together, we as part of this community that our Editor had knitted together have each others back so to speak. This is just another facet of living here in the Philippines. I participated in many other forums when I lived in the US, mostly race related and not so many social sites but never did I once get a mail saying hey are you OK after not signing on for a week and I just wanted to say in public Thank You Bob and Feyma (the birthday girl) for caring enough to ask about my well being.

It really is wonderful to belong to this community. I will resume my regular articles next week and thanks to all of you for being supportive.

Mabuhay !

The girl of my dreams

Some years back I met a girl.  She was special, and has never left my heart in those many years.  Even today, I cannot get her out of my mind.  She changed my life, and certainly changed it for the better.  Of course, I’m talking about my wife of 19+ years.

Today’s a special day here in the Martin household, because it’s Feyma’s birthday.  I’m not going to reveal her age, although I think it’s already known here on LiP, but, you know… it’s a respect thing – you just don’t reveal a woman’s age.  So, I won’t.

I met Feyma in Cebu City, in 1990.  She was studying at the time, nearly finished with college.  We had been corresponding with each other (snail mail… the Internet was not really available to the public yet at that time) for only about 6 months when I came to the Philippines to meet her.  I was here for only 3 weeks, and we got married while I was here.  Many people told me I was crazy, an idiot, or worse for marrying a girl that I had only just met.  Well, after 19 years, I can only say that history proved my actions right.  I was lucky, yes.  I continue to be lucky to this day.

We’ve had our ups and downs in the past 19+ years.  What couple has not experienced ups and downs in the course of a marriage?  None.  But, the ups are way bigger than the downs ever were.  Feyma does everything she can to make me feel special.  I do things for her too, but to be honest, I am far more often on the receiving end than the giving end of that.  I feel guilty sometimes for that too.  But, I hope Feyma knows how much I love her.  I always will too.  Sometimes, if we are having an argument over something, even as tough as I might try to make myself sound to her, inside I think to myself – “what would I do if I didn’t have her?”

So, today, I will be doing what I can to make Feyma’s day special.  She deserves it, after all.  I’ll take her out for lunch, just the two of us.  My only problem is that whenever I take her out for a meal, I never can get her to choose the place!  She always says, “you decide,” even though I want it to be special for her.  But, that is her nature, I suppose.

Feyma is not the same girl I married those many years ago, though.  She is very complex.  Back in 1990, she was that typical quiet, shy Filipina that we have all met here.  Then she spent 10 years in the States, and that changed her a lot.  She is much more assertive now, much more confident.  She is now Feyma 2.0.  I’m OK with that, though.  Yes, she has changed a lot, but I love Feyma 2.0 as much as I loved Feyma 1.0.

As I think about it, maybe I’m wrong.  She is probably Feyma 3.0, I guess.  Feyma 1.0 was that Feyma that I met in Cebu in 1990, and fell in love with.  Feyma 2.0 was the woman that she grew into after living in the States.  The new Feyma 3.0 is the Feyma that came to be after returning to the Philippines.  It took her a long time to adjust back to life in the Philippines.  She didn’t revert back to Feyma 1.0 either.  How could she?  No, she took the best from Feyma 1.0 and Feyma 2.0 and combined it into the best version yet, Feyma 3.0 that we all know today.

A lot of foreign men will say that you should never bring your lady to live in the West, it will change her, take away the special part of her culture, or whatever.  I find that if Feyma had not lived in the States for 10 years, she would not have the understanding of me that she possesses.  Now, Feyma is not a Filipina, nor an American, she is a combination of the two.  I suppose I have also become a combination of the two after nearly a decade of living in the Philippines.  I suppose that we have somewhat grown together through our life in my culture and hers.  I like that.  It works well for both of us.

Happy Birthday to my sweetheart.  I hope we can celebrate many more birthdays together!  I love you very much.

Antique Philippines

As mentioned before I have met so many people from around the world, who live or pass through the Islands of the Philippines, which makes me a better person as travel in itself does too.

Recently I have had the pleasure of meeting a new friend here in Davao city , called Tim Walker who has come from a family that was already was in the business, so it really is in Tim’s blood, and his knowledge and experience is outstanding.

His father from a farming family and my mother from a family of working influence but together they started an antiques business in the same years of his birth, which appears to be a secret. He was very fortunate from an early age by the path in which his parents took and he gladly followed blindly.

He started my business at the age of 15 years old, and was known on the antiques show circuit as selling on a card table his parent’s booth from the age of about 9.

Now he is in the Philippines and it is amazing to have someone stand up at an expat meeting and share his total knowledge of Antique furniture and toys. Toys being my favorite subject of his so far.

It made me wonder what the antique market was like here in the Philippines, and I actually visited some places in Manila recently and was surprised by the amount of stock, but had no idea at all if the prices charged were reasonable, I then realized how important it would be to have Tim with his years of knowledge in assessing items for sale and valuations. Can you imagine if you get that wrong!!! What a skill that is to have here in the Philippines.

I wonder if toys from the last forty years here in the Philippines, the baby boom times would be valuable like they are in some of our home countries? He sold vintage farm toys,in the Dyersville Iowa Farm Toy National shows that his father use to drive me there to.So without doubt he knows his stuff.

The reason for writing about this is that Tim asked me is there a possibility of doing business here in the Philippines, domestic and selling and importing from abroad. Honest I have no idea, and would be very interested to hear from the LIP readers if this is something that is “hot” here, and where the hot spots are. This will allow Tim to set up a business here and enjoy the life of living in the Philippines.

Its not just toys, as when he was in the 20’s he ventured into designer furniture and vintage glassware.. By his mid 30s he had collected a large array of antiques for my home from Period Furniture, Paint Decorated Furniture, Fine Paintings and high grade Adirondack antiques as well.

So does Baguio or Manila have the role of antique center of the country? Id love to be able to tell Tim more, anyone have any ideas?

Dear Feyma…

“Then she told me of her problem with a person she cared about, her foreigner friend. It’s not her boyfriend because she’s a happily married. She just knew this friend for quite sometime now.” – Feyma

“Sounds like a Dear Abby problem to me”. —- From a guy that commented.

Well somebody’s comment about the “Dear Abby” thing that got me thinking. Hmm. I am kind of like a Dear Abby in the net for the Pinays. I am not trying to be conceited here. I not even one tenth of the real Dear Abby. But I tried to be to the people that email me and tell me their problems in life. I am not trained and have degrees from it. But just trying to help the Pinay and the foreigner that married and intending to marry a Filipina.

I receive a lot of emails from ladies (pinays) abroad about the problems they have with their spouses or with the in-laws. They will ask my advice and what can I say about their situations. They told me the reason why they are asking me since I have been married to Bob for nearly 20 years then I have some experience with life. I got some interesting emails down to I am feeling sorry for them. I was not a Dear Abby reader while in the States before. I think I just read her column once. I just heard it with some friends before.

I will give you some sample of the emails I got. I got an email from somebody asking me what to do with the guy that she is dating with. She really like the guy, she said she knows the guy likes her too,  but she said they really had big problems with communications I guess being in 2 different cultures. She’s really worried because she felt that the guy has been avoiding her. Well, I tried to give my advice and of course she knows the guy better than I do.

Some other that the lady really wanted to retire here but the husband would not. She wants me help her convince the husband to retire here. She even gave me the email address of the husband. Wow, what can I do to help on that. It’s kind of awkward though, how would I convince somebody I don’t even know.

Some other, a guy asked me what would I think of his girlfriend. He will gave me a small background of the girl and he will rely on my answer if he should marry the girl or not. How could I answer stuff like that I never even meet the girl or know the girl. My goodness.

Or some guy from there (from the West) will send pictures and he wants us to find the lady in the picture. And you know what, the picture that was sent to them by the lady they are corresponding with was the actress or the sexy starlet here in the Philippines.

Some ladies would email me the dilemma they have with their mother-in-laws. They are having trouble handling the attitudes of the in-laws. I have some with the lady has problem dealing with the step children. Some step children were older than they are and having trouble with the money that the husband will leave behind. To think the husband’s not even dead yet. But they’re fighting over the inheritance already.

So that’s just some of the private emails I got from people. It’s hard to tell those people what to do especially I don’t even know them. It never crossed my mind about the Dear Abby thing until the guy comment to me about it. Really I didn’t even thought about it until now of how much emails I got. It’s really coming from the ladies and the guys. Really I could go on and on about it. Some of them that got me thinking for days because of the severity of the problems.

Some are friends (foreigners) for a long time and asked my honest opinion on the woman they are dating with. They are having problems dealing with the girl. The guy want’s me to be a friend to the girl and maybe just tell the girl a little bit of my life living in the USA. Most of the ladies will tell the guy they don’t like me because I am too old to be their friend. A lot of times I just laugh it off and just say to Bob look who’s talking they don’t like me because I am too old for them but they are dating older guys. Hmm, strange.

I am not trying to give out the identity of the people here. A lot of times I get same or similar problems to a lot of people. I am generalizing the emails that I got. To be honest with you I just want that other people can pick out some lessons from a lot of you guys that comment here on LIP. I thank you again for giving people good advices here.

Mabuhay!

Sitting for our family portrait at TriNoma

Last month, we decided that it was time to have a family portrait made of Rebecca, myself, and Juanito. Certainly, since Juanito arrived, we have taken many, many pictures. However, this was the first time that we had a professional take a formal portrait of all of us together.

So, we packed up Juanito into the car, and headed over to TriNoma mall in Quezon City. TriNoma is a somewhat upscale mall here, with all of the major brand stores and things that most expats are likely to need when moving here. The mall is anchored by Landmark, an ultra-modern, upscale supermarket and department store. In fact, that is one of the primary reasons I am writing this article: The concern as to the availability of different items in the Philippines. Yes, the Philippines may be considered the developing world, yet, it is important for people to remember this: There is a hell of a lot of money in this country. Income distribution is widely unequal, and the “have-nots” certainly struggle just to survive from day to day. But what about the “haves”? Well, say that 5% of the population are well off. That equates to roughly 5 million people who are very much high-end consumers, most of whom live and work in Metro Manila. These consumers demand all of the goods that one could find in Europe or the United States, both in terms of quality and availability. In other words, everything that you could expect to find in the West is available here… For a price. That is what expats need to keep in mind when deciding whether or not to move here. Yes, the modern, top-line, feature-laden, LG refrigerator is for sale here, but do you want to spend the additional money to purchase this type of refrigerator, or would a simpler model suffice? These are the types of questions you will need to answer when moving here. What is important to you and a “necessity” or what will be sufficient for your standard of living. Once you head out of Manila to the provinces, availability of “luxury” goods drops quickly… Remember where those with the money tend to live. It is not Tuguegarao.

The point of all this is that a formal portrait by a professional photographer is very much considered a luxury out in the sticks… Not many people in the province can or will spend a whole month’s wages on a family picture. Yes, there are a few photographers out there, but you will need to search for them. Rebecca had never sat for a portrait in her entire life, save for passport photos.  There is a wing at TriNoma where there are 3 or 4 photo studios right next to each other. So, we choose one. Even the pricing was unfamiliar to her… She thought that you pay to have your picture taken, rather than paying for each print that is made. After the sticker shock wore off a bit, we ended up with one museum-quality framed portrait, along with about a dozen prints. The thought that we have at least one really nice photo together made it all worthwhile in her mind. So, below, here’s a couple of the pictures we had made.

A friend’s problem

A week or so ago I bumped into a friend. We were chatting for a few minutes. Then she told me of her problem with a person she cared about, her foreigner friend. It’s not her boyfriend because she’s a happily married. She just knew this friend for quite sometime now. She was telling me that her friend was living here in the Philippines for a while now, he is from somewhere in Europe if I remember. He is a single guy. The foreigner was intending to live here for good.

The problem of my friend now is that the foreigner is dating a lady that has 4 kids. She didn’t have problem with the 4 kids, but she had problem with the lady being still married to the father of the kids. The lady is trying to get separated, but is not totally yet. The lady also has a boyfriend on the side, plus the husband, and all the while dating the foreigner too!  The foreigner knows about this too, but apparently is not concerned about it.

She wants me to meet the guy and talk to him. I told her that the foreigner guy is a big boy and can handle himself. And, I told her I don’t have business to be telling him what to do. I told her to let the guy find out for himself. The fear of my friend if the husband and/or the boyfriend might hurt the foreigner and they will get all his money. I told her let him learn his lesson,if he will not listen to common sense. If that’s what happens, let it be. I would not want something bad happening to the foreigner, but its not my business or my friend’s business to tell him any more. I told her that I had a friend before that I also warned him that the law here is so different than in the West, and that the politicians here would really protect their very own people.

Like what I told her, the foreigner will learn when the husband or the boyfriend will do something to him. Here, if the husband or the boyfriend caught the foreigner making out with the lady they can do anything to him. I’ve seen a lot on the news on TV that the lady and the lover get killed by the husband because he find out and caught the wife with somebody in bed. Here if the husband  or boyfriend had somebody on the side(mistress) its more acceptable in the society. Like its just the norm here for that. But if the woman caught having an affair, its gonna be a big problem here. I felt that that the husband has the right to do anything. It’s really not fair though. I forgot theirs a lady politician trying to pass a law trying to get a fair right for the woman here in the Philippines. I am against having an affair, why not separate first before going to get involved with somebody.

Honestly I am really debating to write this because I am not so sure if some people will like it. But I also want some people to learn a lesson from somebody. I heard of people saying that it is not an easy place to live here because lots of beautiful ladies to look at and its so tempting for them. Well, its okay if the lady that you are dating is not committed yet to somebody. SO JUST BE VERY CAREFUL though if living here.

I don’t really know what to say more to my friend. I don’t really want to get involved with them. I am just crossing my fingers and hoping for the foreigner to learned his lesson and wake up to the reality. Any advice from you guys really are helpful. I will relay to my friend. Thank you to all!

Cheers!

I Don’t Know What’s Happening but I Like It

I’ve been reading Bob’s blog since almost the beginning, 2 1/2 years now and along the way there has been a lot of good information on life over here in paradise.  One of the best bits though related to marriage and talked about the inevitable “culture clash” that will happen between you and your wife but at some point in the marriage everything would hit a happy medium and you and your wife would begin to create your own unique culture.  Well seemingly that has finally started to happen in my marriage with Venice.

We were wed on July 10th, 2007 so it’s been over 2 years now that we have been married and there were many rocky parts to the path of wedded bliss.  We argued… quite a lot, and blamed it on the fact we are both so bull headed but this scapegoat of an excuse did nothing to help us.  To be honest there were a couple of times where I really wondered if I had made the right decision to move over here.

Ever since I returned from working in Alaska this year I feel different.  Finally unwound after a decade of high stress retail management jobs, finally more patient, and finally more willing to accept the quirks of life here in the Philippines.  It’s a necessary step on the path to true integration into Philippine society and of course true marital bliss with your wife, which leads me to the other half of the equation.  To truly meet in the middle and create that unique combination culture your wife has to change her perceptions as well.

I knew Venice was changing the day she said something sarcastically…. seriously, Filipinos do not understand sarcasm and unfortunately I come from a family history of sarcasm.  It’s no wonder Venice thought I was complaining so much in the first 2 years of our marriage.  There have also been other little things that all combined and taken as a whole shows me that my wife is starting to gravitate towards that happy medium between our cultures.

I’ve also changed in that I am more willing to accept Philippine myths and superstitions, or maybe not fully accepting but I won’t argue about them anymore.  I realized this in myself as I was planting garlic on the windowsills to keep away an alleged Aswang.  But the one thing that I have realized after 2 years of marriage is that I love my wife more than ever.  We have ridden through good times and weathered the bad ones and we are still together so I am willing to say that our marriage is built on strong foundations.  Who knows, as my new culture develops I might even let my wife persuade me into going to church… once in awhile anyway.

My advice to anyone who is married to a Filipina is patience.  The two of you will hit that point in your marriage when the same culture creation occurs and the two of you will be happier for it.

Gossip, Womanizing, and "What about the Hoo-Hah?"

Abulug is a small town, more like a village, really. When you spend time there, the concept of privacy is quite different than Western norms. Someone sees or hears something, passes it on, the story changes or embellishes a bit, and before long, there is a scandal. The gossip can be entertaining… spend enough time up there, and you will quickly understand how the Filipino soaps come up with their plot lines.

Well, 80 years ago in Abulug, Rebecca’s family was embroiled in a scandal. People spoke in hushed tones. The scandal is even talked about in town to this very day, even though the main participants are long dead and gone.

Rebecca’s great-grandfather earned the family money as a merchant. He supplied the merchant ships in the Babuyan Straits with fresh fruits and other provisions from Cagayan, Kalinga, and Abra provinces. In those days, Abulug was a bustling little port, with ships calling from all over Asia. Indeed, Rebecca’s father still maintained a few vestiges of the business until he became Chief of Police. World War II and the National Highway bypassing Abulug led to its decline back to a sleepy little village, off the beaten track. Rebecca’s great-grandmother was a mestiza, the result of a union between a high-ranking Spaniard and an Ybanag woman (and the source of the present-day family connections). Because of this union, she was landed, and somewhat wealthy. The family details beyond this have been lost to time.

Continuing with the story, Becky’s great-grandfather would load up carabaos, and head up into the mountains to purchase the fruits and coffee the ships required. He would be gone for several days at a time. He was also a notorious womanizer, with a taste for very dark-skinned Aeta or Ingorot women. This trait has been passed down through the men in the family, to the present day. So, he would go into the mountains, buy the fruits, and be seduced by these native temptresses (THEY always did the seducing… He was just led astray!), far from the watchful eye of Becky’s great-grandmother back in Abulug on the farm. Call it a fringe benefit of the job.

One day, he arrived back in town, out of breath, sweaty, and fearful. Becky’s great-grandmother thought something terrible had happened, perhaps a robbery or an accident, but couldn’t get him to speak except for him to tell her to say “He hasn’t been around here for days.” About 15 minutes later, a group of about 10 Ingorot men brandishing bolos rushed into town looking for him, and not in a good mood. It seems that on his latest foray into the mountains, he was “seduced” (I wonder who did the seducing myself, but anyway) by an Ingorot princess, daughter of the chief, and he was caught in a rather uncompromising position by the chief himself. Unfortunately for him, in those days the Ingorot were known as being fierce headhunters. In fact, they did not stop headhunting until Marcos finally convinced them to stop in the 1960’s. When the chief caught them, he started hollering and the men of the village came running, pulled him off the princess, and kept him guarded in a nipa hut while debating what to do with him. Apparently the debate centered around who was going to do the chopping! So, there he is tied up in the hut, and he managed to untie himself and quietly sneak out (The huts are just palm fronds, after all). So, he high-tailed it back to Abulug, with the Ingorot behind in hot pursuit. Becky’s great-grandmother got the story when they arrived at the farm looking for her husband. She whipped out a bolo, told them to back off, and a deal was made, exchanging a couple of carabaos for his neck. Considering his indiscretion, he got off lightly. Nobody talks about great- grandma’s reaction, but it is my understanding that she was one tough cookie and I’m fairly certain that he caught quite a bit of hell, given that the whole town saw a large group of Ingorot running through town looking for him! Fast forward nine months and a group of Ingorot women show up at the farm, with the princess in tow, carrying a baby! The chief was upset because she had a child from someone below her station in life. After all, she was royalty! So, the Ingorot dumped her and the baby on great-grandma’s doorstep, saying they were now her problem. Great-grandma managed to get them to Hawaii, far away from creating more scandal, where their descendents still live, and occasionally write to the aunts and uncles. Apparently, this incident caused a change in great-grandpa’s ways, though how much changed from great-grandma’s purgatory is still debated.

What is interesting is that the family joke is that Rebecca is somehow related differently than her brothers, since she is about a dozen shades lighter than anyone else in the family. I told her that it is more likely that she got a good dose of great-grandma’s mestiza genes instead of being related in some weird manner. In any event, this incident created quite the scandal in Abulug, being the most excitement the town had seen in years, and very little to compare has happened since then!

I mentioned that the pre-disposition towards tribal women was passed down through the males in the family. Rebecca’s grandfather had several Aeta mistresses over the years, and still managed to have his head attached to his neck when he died. Becky’s father once had an Aeta girl chasing him all over Cagayan for a year, once their romance died when he met Rebecca’s mother. Becky’s aunt in Sanchez Mira let him hide out there for a year until she got tired of the pursuit. When the girl found out where he was hiding, she was told that he had decided to enter the priesthood and that convinced her to go back up into the mountains.

The trait continues on to the present generation. Rebecca’s brother loves dark ladies (Though his wife is very light, as is his son). He’s had a few kids in different dalliances over the years… The current estimate is nine! Zaldy got Rebecca really angry with him after he told me a story about a tribal group up in a remote part of Kalinga province. Zaldy had wanderlust when he was young, selling fish to the people in small mountain towns. It seems there is a tribe in the mountains where he used to go to find young ladies. These women walk around nearly naked, and are very light-skinned, looking more Chinese than Filipino. These women also have a reputation for being rather cavalier in their attitudes towards sex, as in it is no big deal. The one part of their bodies that is covered is the breasts, which are considered sacred. YOU MAY NOT TOUCH. I asked Zaldy, “But what about the Hoo-Hah?” His answer: “That is OK… Feel free to look and touch. But leave the other parts alone! You may lose your head!” I was then invited to make an “educational expedition” into this part of Kalinga for “research purposes”. It was at this point that Becky started shouting at him in Ybanag and telling me that I am not allowed to go, no matter what Zaldy says. “You will not create a scandal while you are married to ME!!!”

My answer: “Yes Ma’am!!!!! I don’t need any more education!”

Protecting yourself

This is not an easy article for me to write.  Sometimes bad things happen, and some bad things happened in my household last week.  I would prefer not to write about the incident, but I feel that the information is valuable for readers of this site, so I will write about it as best I can.  I don’t aim to hurt people’s feelings with this article, but some people may feel bad about having this put into writing.  For anybody who feels badly about that, I am sorry for hurting your feelings.  I will not name anybody’s name, though, so that should offer you some solace.

Last week, I believe it was on Tuesday, we found out some rather bad information.  It turned out that my nephew, who lives with us, had been involved in a relationship with our maid, who also lived with us.  Each of these people are in their 20’s, so there was no problem as far as any age of consent issues or anything like that, but other issues had to be considered.

For the girl, she was our maid.  As such, she was our employee.  My nephew is a member of the family, and as such he is sort of an employer of the maid.  I mean, he is not really the employer in that he does not pay the maid, but as a relative of the employer and member of the household, he has some status as an employer, in my opinion.  An employee and an employer should not be involved in a relationship, especially a physical relationship.

I have no intention of going into details of this relationship.  I will not be saying “he did this” or “she did that.”  No, all of those sordid details are firstly private, but also not relevant to the discussion that we will have here.

Instead, I want to look at what Feyma and I did, how the situation was handled, etc., and also the cultural aspects of the incident.

Culturally, a maid is sort of “under the protection” of her employers.  The employer is there to look after the well being of the helper.  Make sure that no injury comes to her.  Make sure that she is treated in a moral way.  These statements are particularly true if the maid or helper is a minor.  A maid who is a minor presents special problems for an employer, because you are not only her employer, but in many ways you must also act as a parent to the girl (or boy, if that is the case).  In this situation, though, we do not need to be concerned, because the girl is an adult.

After talking with the parties involved, listening to them, explaining to them that what they had done was wrong, etc., we all came to an agreement of what would happen.  The girl decided that she wanted to go home.  She is not from Davao, but rather from the Province, a few hours from Davao.  Our nephew elected to stay at our house for now, although I can’t be sure what the future will hold.

Our biggest concern on this, and a big reason why an employer should never have a physical relationship with a helper, was that if the girl was embarrassed at what she had done, she may decide to claim that she was forced into the relationship, or raped.  I mean, having a “employer” stake in this, it would be plausible that if the girl claimed that this had happened, it would be believable.  The girl was very straightforward to us that she had participated willingly, but what if her story changed?

During all of the conversations, we had invited an outsider, non family member, to sit in and listen, so that we had a witness of the events.  In addition, this outsider was able to sit down with the maid in private and talk with her to hear her story.  So, this way, somebody other than a family member would be able to make an account of what had been said.

At one point, the maid began to get a little defensive, angry, and such.  At this point, I became rather worried.  One of the worries that Feyma and I shared was that when the maid went home to the Provinces, her family may encourage her to “go after” us, because “foreigners have money” if you know what I mean.  They may encourage her to change her story, claim rape or being forced into it, and then offer to be quiet in exchange for money.  So, when the maid began to voice a little anger, I told her that she was free to leave in the morning, but that before she left, we would make a visit to the Department of Labor and she could make a statement of what had happened, and that she had been treated fairly at our house.  Furthermore, that she had voluntarily become involved with my nephew.

The maid was obviously not happy that she would have to submit such a statement.  She was concerned about her reputation, because she did not want to publicly admit to being involved in a such a way.  Here in the Philippines, although such things happen, they are rarely admitted publicly because it is scandalous.  So, we reached an agreement with the maid.  She would not have to go to the Department of Labor, however, she would sit down with that same outside party and write down a statement on paper, which she would sign, and the other person would sign as a witness.  We would not be present when she wrote her statement, so that she felt no pressure from us.

This was agreeable, and the maid wrote and signed her statement.  It reads out exactly as things happened, and blames nobody for the events.  I am happy with that, and I do not feel that there is any way now that Feyma and I could be held liable for what occurred.

The lessons here are several:

1. Do not get involved romantically or sexually with an employee.
2. Always protect yourself.  Have people there who can witness critical conversations.  Get written statements from people and make sure they are signed.
3. Treat your employees with respect and kindness.  You never know when they will suddenly have something that they can hold over your head, and if you have not treated them well, things could go badly for you.
4. Supervise closely what happens in your house.  If you don’t, you may pay the price for something which you didn’t even know was happening.

Over the years that I have lived in the Philippines, I have known several expats who claimed to me that they were sexually involved with their household helpers.  I always cringe when I hear this.  It is not a good idea, and in my opinion should be avoided by all means.  If it is a sexual relationship that you are looking for, there are plenty of such opportunities in the Philippines.  You don’t need to use your helpers for that.

As of now, it appears that this unfortuante event has come to an end.  I hope that we have heard the end of it, anyway, because I don’t think that any further word on this would be any good news!  So, I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed.

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