Do you remember in late 2008, and the early part of 2009, I wrote a series of articles about SIR? SIR means “Smooth Interpersonal Relations” and it is the basic tenet of Philippine Culture. SIR is what controls the way that society in the Philippines functions. One of the tenets of the SIR system is called “In Group.” In Group is all about how Filipinos like to associate into a group. They like to hang out as a group, and individuality is not only discouraged, but rarely practiced. In Western Culture, we tend to value our personal time, hanging out by yourself gives you time to reflect. Individuality is a big part of our culture.
One of the things that makes culture an enjoyable subject for me to study is how the dynamics of culture affect my family. Because my kids are a mix of Filipino and American and have lived in each culture, watching how the deal with cultural issues is an interesting lesson for me. While my kids have now spent the vast majority of their lives living in the Philippines, the fact that they live in my household gives them a daily dose of Philippine and Western Culture. So, watching how their personal culture blends the two is always interesting to watch.
One cultural difference that I have never discussed on the site until now is sleeping arrangements. In Philippine society, a lot of people sleep together. For example, if you have 4 or 5 kids, they often all sleep in the same bedroom, even in the same bed together. If cousins live under the same roof, they are also part of the sleeping group. On the other hand, in the West, sleeping arrangements are normally quite different. In the United States, generally each child has his/her own bedroom. Sometimes, if there are not enough rooms, two kids might share a bedroom, but these days it is more the norm that each child has a bedroom of his own.
Another difference in sleeping arrangements in Philippine Culture compared to Western Culture is the sleeping arrangements when there is a baby, or a young child. In the USA, when you have a baby, you generally have a Nursery, or a bedroom specifically for the baby. In the Nursery you will have a baby crib, a special bed with rails where the baby will sleep. In the past 20 years or so, there are baby monitors, little radio transmitters that you can use. The transmitter will be in the baby’s bedroom, while the parents will have the receiver so that they can hear what is going on in the nursery. If the baby wakes up, you can go get the child, or go and get him back to sleep again.
In Philippine society, the baby normally sleeps with the parents, in their bed. This can be the case for years. Even a kid 5 or 6 years old might still be sleeping with his parents. This can put a cramp on the “adult activities” of the parents, if you know what I mean. When we had young babies in the States, we always had a hard time working out the sleeping arrangements. Of course, Feyma wanted the baby to sleep with us, while I was more in favor of the baby sleeping in his own room. Feyma usually won out on those arguments, though.
Living here in the Philippines and having children now ranging from 17 years old down to 9 years old, the kids like to all sleep in the same bedroom. There are two beds in the room, and the kids split up between the two beds. They seem to be more comfortable being in a group arrangement, the way the Philippine Culture is, than if it was the Western way. There have been times I have suggested to the kids that maybe we would split them into their own bedrooms, and I have always been met with resistance when I suggest this to them.
It is certainly a different way of sleeping from what I grew up with. When I was a kid, my brother and I shared a bedroom for a number of years and it is always something that we fought against. We wanted our own bedrooms with our own privacy. The day came when we had that, and we were happy. With my kids, though, it would seem that they are in no hurry for that day to come though.
It wil be interesting to continue watching the situation and seeing if they want to have their own bedrooms as they become older.
Hi Bob – Interesting subject here that brings a question to mind (I'm sure more than one mind). What is the cultural outlook of sleeping arrangements for children of different sexes at different ages?
Being the old fashioned goat that I am, I'd demand a chaperone for a daughter from crib to grave; but I'm sure culture says otherwise. 😉
I know what you mean about the "adult activities"! nothing dampens the ardour like a 9month old rolling over and putting his little foot in your face! While i,ve managed to convince my girl he needs his own bed, it will still be in our room. Oh well you win some you lose some.
The boys have there own room..Bob 🙂 …. I think Jess and I are safe so far ." knock on wood " Very funny article Bob, loved every word of it ..Brings back so many memories of raising kids I'm just thinking of the good ones …. Phil n Jess
Exact same thing here: the baby sleeps in our bed. I don't think she'll be sleeping in her room any time soon. But I'm ok with it, everything is working out all right.
Hi Paul – When it comes to dating and other activities with boys… I am just like you. Chaperone is a must! However, when it comes to sleeping, brothers and sisters, even cousins sleep together, no problem. It is just the norm. Also, with a half dozen people all sleeping in the same room, I just don't think there is much risk to the girl, especially when it is all family.
Hi Daryl – Ha ha… once again… been there, done that! It makes you wonder how the Philippine population grow so fastly! 😉
Hi Phil – sounds like you have this matter under control! 😆
Hi Kevin – Yeah, although it was sometimes inconvenient, more or less I never had a major problem with it. I would have preferred that the young kids slept in their own bedroom, but it wasn't major. I hope you are doing well, Kevin!
Maayong buntag Manong Bob. Yeah I know all about the sleeping arrangement thing. First baby stayed in our bed for 8 years. Second baby stayed for 6. I think the only reason she agreed to move out was we built a new home and she had her new bedroom according to her taste.
When I was in PNG, I was friendly with an Aussie girl who's a new mum. I was horrified when I learned baby slept in a large bedroom all on her own with a regimental feed every 4 hours!
Actually, I often wonder if the high incidence of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) we have here is caused by lack of that parental contact in early life. I mean what would be the SIDS rate in PI? When I was in New Guinea, SIDS was unheard of. You don't hear about SIDS death in Africa either. New Guinea, Africa and PI sleep with their babies. It's just a theory. If I have the resources and time, I would like to do a research study about this.
Of course, the western scientists will probably explain explain the lower rate of SIDS death in 3rd world countries as "many deaths in villages are unreported".
Hi Bob,
Sure brings back memories from my childhood.
Back then, in my family household, my sis and i always had our own rooms,easy as there was only two of us.It was common place for kids to share rooms and beds in larger families.
I remember when i use to stop over at one of my schoolfriends houses,i had to share a bed with him and his brother LOL as there were 5kids and only 3 bedrooms.
However girls were always seperated from boys,there was the boys room and the girls room.
regards Chas.
Hi Christine – Hmm… I never considered this as a health issue, but you have a point. To be honest, I never heard of any SIDS cases in the Philippines before. Hmm…. now you have given me something else to think about!
I would really like to hear other people's opinion.
Maybe Manong Bob, when I'm semi-retired, we can do research in PI. You collect the data, I'll analyze the stats. You reckon PI gov't will give us a grant to do this study? Imagine, if we pull this through, you will be known as Phd Doctor Sir Bob 🙂
Hi Christine – Ha ha…. the thought of it… me doing research about people's sleeping arrangements? It sounds rather… well, not so wholesome! Feyma might not like this research! What, do you think I'm bugoy or something? 😉
Bugoy? and why will I think that of you Manong Bob? 🙂
I actually meant research on SIDS, but now that you've put the seeds of ideas on my mind, I suppose we can include the sleeping arrangement too. We actually have to, I think, if we are trying to determine whether SIDS is caused by mum not being beside her/him at bedtime.
Bob I am with you on this. Isabelle is now 19 months old and there she is right in the middle. This brings me to a popular joke about birth control I used to hear often when I lived on Oahu. A Hawaiian woman had six children. The woman went with her friend that wanted to learn about different forms of birth control. While there one of the instructors asked her how many children she had and if she was also interested in using a form of modern birth control. She smiled and shook her head and said (insert your Hawaiian dialect here). No Mamma no need your birth control The woman said are you sure then that your form of birth control will prevent another baby-she nodded yes and said Mamma totally sure and then smiled. The instructor asked her to describe the way she would protect herself. The woman said easy. When Pappa think about making another baby he first crawls over baby number one, then baby number two, then baby number three, and the she started laughing-by the time Papa gets to baby number six he no longer want to make baby-no Mamma no more get pregnant.
Hi Bob
When me and my brothers would fight at night my parents would make 1
of us sleep in there bed as punishment other then that we all had seperate beds, but shared a bedroom becuase we had a small house and
a large family.
Hi Christine – Yesterday you said I was bugoy kaayo! 😉
Hi Bob, adding to that sleeping arrangements, when cousins all decide to sleep in their grandparent's ancestral home, it is because we can play cards all night 🙂 Boys and girls sleep in the sala. Yes, they separate but not like it's an imposition. I choose to sleep w/ my cousins who are girls because they were my age and we basically perform the same grooming before we go to bed. In the morning there will be fights as to who should help setting aside those mats, mosquito nets, pillows and blankets and something like a bedpan w/c we call orinola.
Hi Ron – Sometimes the best forms of birth control are the simplest! 😉 However, from what I can tell, if the couple already had six kids, the method doesn't seem to work too well! All the climbing didn't slow down Pappa yet! 😆
Hi James – Ah, those are the good old days, don't you think? I think the younger generation these days is growing up totally different than how we did.
Hi Bob,
I have noticed this even here in Australia. When my wife's young sister has friends to sleep over they all pile into one bed (girls only of course). When she first started having them over I told my wife she would need to make up the bed in the spare room but she said it was not necessary. I was a bit annoyed with her because I felt the visitor may be offended at not even having her own bed. But she was right.
The concept of wanting and seeking privacy within the home and even to the extent of wanting a secluded house in a quiet area with no near neighbours is very strong in our society (I have a house in the hills in a forested area on a 3/4 acre block with no close neighbours which initially freaked my wife out because she missed seeing and hearing all the people in the street). Here also we don't as a rule like uninvited visitors but my wife finds that strange as back home people just lob in and stay for days. I think I would find that very hard to adapt to.
At the same time I see the extended families which Italians and Greeks have here and sometimes think that would be nice. My sisters are scattered all over and we don't get together and I never see my cousins these days.
Have we lost something valuable in western society? Do you think it is heading that way in the Philippines as well as their society mimics western values and how did you adapt to loss of privacy Bob?
Christine,
I dont know what the incedence of SIDS is in the phils. But I just want to share with you about my experience. I had a daughter who died of SIDS. Needless to say at the thime I was heartbroken…still am.
But I was told at the time that SIDS is a diagnosis that means the death cant be explained. I was also told that some SIDS deaths are really the baby being smothered by the mother when she rolls over in her sleep. For this reason I would think its a bad idea to have an infant in the same bed. The baby in a crib in the same room is probably a good idea.
Nice one Bob and quite true too… I grew up with 4 brothers and 3 sisters, a rowdy bunch to say the least.
Although I would say that I would attribute the reason for most Filipino siblings sleeping in a room to "poverty". And As I said in my comment in another site, housing authorities are not as "concerned" thus making housing a booming "private industry" affordable only to the middle class.
In a country with an average population growth rate of 7.6, economy in turmoil, mortgage windows half-close, work opportunities as scarce as lions in a cage (there a quite few though) most Filipino families would prefer to spend for food and other needs and sadly home improvement is among the last listed, if it was ever.
There are good points though, the closeness I have with my brothers and sisters, the many colorful stories we get to tell our kids about a brother sneaking out and the many devious ways we made to avoid getting caught by our parents, especially when we got to discover the inebriating effects of wine. Same closeness we still have till today and I am way past 40.
In retrospect, while having my own room would have been ideal and nice, I would not trade those happy times for a room.
Hudson, I'm really sorry for your loss.
There has been a lot of explanations re-cause of SIDS. The latest in Australia is some kind of oxygen deprivation. So, now mothers are advised to leave windows ajar. Not good in the middle of winter.
When I was having my own babies, the midwives advised us to roll baby onto their sides or on their tummies, in case they aspirate their vomits. I was very aware of the dangers of rolling onto baby, so I put the cot next to our bed, and from there she graduated onto our bed!
There has been one case I'm aware of a mother in Oz rolling onto her baby and killing her. I wonder though, why we never seem to hear of these incidences in countries like the Phil? Even when I was working in a PNG hospital, (and it was the only hospital in Mt. Hagen), the 2 years I was there, I've never come across cases of mums rolling onto their babies. Because it is common practice, we should hear alot about it, shouldn't we?
Thank you for your contribution though. To date, there is no concrete evidence of a specific factor that causes SIDS.
Thank You Christine,
Found this article about "bed sharing with infants" I guess the experts cant agree either.
http://www.babycenter.com/0_reducing-the-risk-of-…
Hi roy – It is certainly a big difference from how sleeping arrangement are handled in the west. Everybody would be staying at hotels where I come from! I find the Philippine style kind of refreshing, although it takes getting used to.
I noticed a few of these sleeping arrangements during my visits, didn't think too much of it at the time I only considered the number of people in a house and the number of bedrooms. Thanks for this blog on the subject Bob. I mentally take in a lot of small details when I visit someplace new to me but do not often think about them until prompted by something and in this case it is this article you have presented.
One major difference I have thought about however is that here in the USA, at least when I was growing up, when people turn 21 years of age or thereabouts they can not wait to move out of their parents house, get a place of their own and become independent. From what I have noticed there it seems quite the opposite. I attributed this more to an economic situation with fewer employment opportunity available or, is it more of a cultural thing that younger people live with their parents longer ? . With the way the economy is here in recent years possibly more and more younger people are living at their parents house longer than they used to although I think the desire to move out and be on ones own still prevails.
Hi Michael – I'm curious, your wife's younger sisters friends… are they Filipino too? That might account for their acceptance.
Your statement about wanting a house apart from the neighbors and such is also a very American thing as well, lots of people long for that.
I have experienced people just showing up uninvited and expecting to stay for days or longer… it's something I deal with in different ways depending on who the person is.
As of now, I don't see this fading in the Philippines. It is still very strong here.
Hi Hudson – Losing a child would be a terrible thing in life. I am so sorry for your loss.
Hi Jing – I am sorry, I disagree on the poverty thing. I believe that it may have started out as a poverty thing, but now I don't think it is. In the States, where people have plenty of money, Filipinos still do it that way. I think it is more of a cultural group thing. Of course, I could be wrong, and every case would be different, but that is how I interpret it.
Hi Bob NY – You are a very observant guy! Even though your time in the Philippines is limited, you usually catch just about any kind of thing that you see!
You are right about people staying in the house much longer here. In the states, like you say, kids can't wait to get out on their own. I believe the Philippine way is more cultural, less economic, because the same behavior is present in families here with money.
Hi Bob,
Yes the wife's younger sister's friends I was referring to are filipinas and filaus girls. She has only been here 9 months and hasn't really established any close friendships with Australian kids. The Filipino network is very strong here no matter where you go even in small country towns there are filipinas.
Hi Michael – Ah, OK, since they are Filipino, that kind of explains why they didn't find it out of the ordinary.
Bob that is changing in Australia. As a teenager I couldn't wait to leave home and my generation all thought the same.
Now we have an increasing proportion of kids staying home until their late twenties or thirties. One of the reasons is that relationships are changing – marriage is on the wane and happening at an increasingly later age, young women are increasingly in well paid jobs and hence are more independent not wanting to marry or live with a guy and young people are more into nice clothes, holidays, gadgets etc.. They don't want to save for a house, do housework and raise children until they have had their fun, travelled abroad, been clubbing three times a week, eaten at expensive restaurants etc.. It is easier to stay home with the parents, have all the house chores done for you, a meal on the table every night if you want it, pay a minimal board and come and go as you please with no responsibilities.
We have couples in their fifties and even early sixties saying how can we get rid of these kids so we can save for retirement and enjoy some time on our own?
Their's is an economic decision to stay home whereas we had an idealistic dream of freedom 😆
Thank you for the article. Bedding certainly seems an issue. Poorer people in the Phil. sleeps with little bedding. There really is no need for more bedding because one will just get too hot!. Besides, unless one is middle class, the poorer classes sleeps on the hard floor with a woven mat. Overall, floor sleeping with no to little bedding certainly has lesser risks compared to sleeping on a mattress complete with bedding. Maybe this is the answer?
Hi Michael – 😆 It makes sense, because those 50 and 60 year olds are the same people who couldn't wait to get out the door when they were 18 or 20. Now, their kids won't leave! It must be awfully confusing for them!
I think many of us were brought up to be more independent and to get out on our own because our parents would not be around forever. Although I realize and can appreciate cultural differences, for me I don't think I would have wanted it any other way. Another thing I was taught when I was younger was if I wanted something that was not a necessity, save up for it first, then buy it and I have always tried to live by that philosophy. Other than a house mortgage and 2 car loans it has worked for me although I had to work hard to save money in advance while still paying the bills although that may be something easier said than done in The Philippines for most people today and maybe for that matter, here in the USA too.
Hi bob,
My 6 year old daughter still sleep with us, she got her own bedroom, but during the time she was still a baby, my wife would argue with me about our sleeping arrangement and as you guess, she always win, anyway, I grew up with my grandmother (lola's boy!) and I am used sleeping alone and having my own bedroom, so I know exactly what the "little privacy" means. What i noticed with my daughter, she is much closer to us expecially with her mother and I begin to wonder, could it be the sleeping arrangement had something to do with the close knit filipino family structure/culture? could that also be the reason why filipinos are so attached to their parents? my daughter is soo attached to me and to my wife that she would not eat alone, she always want us to be together when eating.
Hi Bob
Michael has a point about the kids staying home too long.
Here in Canada the same thing is happening.
Parents are wanting to get their kids out of the house so they can "start their retirement life together"
My answer to "How do we get our kids to leave" is easy
You give them 2 months to find alternate arrangements and then have their bags packed and on the front porch.
Easy!!!!
Too many of my friends talk the talk with their adult kids BUT DO NOT WALK THE WALK. I tell them I don;t want to hear it anymore.
If their kids do not take them seriously when they tell the kids to move out…..whose fault is that?????
There was an article in the local paper that said the situation was rising and that over 40% of the home owners in the study had adult children living with them.(not students going to university)
WOW
I can;t imagine it……you work all your life to give the kids a good future and then those same kids are making sure YOU aren't having one.
Infant mortality rates rom Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by…
Philippines 27.2/1000 live births
U.S. 7.8/1000 live births
Compared to third world countries in general the Philippines is doing favorably
Hi Tyleen – 40% of households have adult children living at home! That's unfathomable! The world has sure changed.
Hi Bob, Great article and comments. In Josey's house it is like that. When came there the first time We stayed in a hotel and about half the time we would bring the kids. I would just have them bring in an extra bed. I would say the extra bed was a waste because the kids would only sleep with us. Now the extra turned out very useful. First night all 4 and somehow the girls all turned and I found myself pushed off the bed. After that I always paid for the extra bed so when they ( not always ) kicked to the floor I could go to the porta-bed. Next, when we rented house I hired family member kids were used to be nanny.
Hi Andy – Filipino kids in particular are always happy and cheerful, it seems. I love seeing the smiles of Filipino kids. I seem to fall in love with so many kids when I meet them along my travel, it's just almost impossible not to! Sounds like you, Josey and the kids had a great time!
This article is another one of your "gems". When I moved in with my fiance's mothers home, I built a 5 metre by 5 metre bedroom for me and my fiance. I also built a 3 metre by 4 metre nursery and bedroom for each of my two daughters. When I brought home my latest child, there was so much commotion and so many people coming to see the baby it drove me nuts. So I took my newborn and partner to a good quality hotel for a week just to get away.
When we got back, I found our bedroom was occupied by 5 of the ten family members and the other two bedrooms were occupied also. I said to my partner what is everyone doing in our room, she ahh they will be sleeping with us….well you can imagine what my response was. After one 6 months I am still negotiating to get the use of our other two bedrooms back……looks like fat chance lol
Hi Boss – It certainly is different here, the way the sleeping arrangements are! So, the way you wrote the last part, it seems that you did get one bedroom back already! That was a miracle! 😆
haha, you have to concede on it. kudos, live well.
don’t know which world or rural area mindanao bob lives in, here in Metro Manila, lot of families in 2 bedroom or 3 bed room flats, have a room seperate for kids and parents, not hundreds of people piling on top of each other. No one says its a cultural thing, don’t generalize. Middle class and upper middle class people if they had the chance would go for their own room. What some Filipinos may do in USA sharing rooms together, is a lifestyle choice not a culture. There are also Filipinos in USA who don’t.
I live in Davao, which is not a “rural area.” I never said that every single Filipino does this, or that Middle and upper class Filipinos do.