Family asking for money
Living here for awhile now I hear a lot of my family members asking for money. The people that really have asked me were the people that are not even close to me. Honestly, I told them that the only close family that Bob and I would really support would be my Mom. At that time my Mom was staying with my sister. Even all my siblings knew before we came here that I will not be supporting anybody, unless I had some extra money. I told them to not be expecting money from me. I will help if I can. They know I meant it too.
Right now Bob and I are sending 8 kids to school, 5 of them are nieces and nephews. Sometimes, some members of my family still want some financial support. They still don’t understand that Bob and I have a lot of people to support and lots of bills to pay. Like a few weeks ago somebody in my family was asking us if we could pay her college ring. Of course I said no. She can graduate without a ring anyway. This coming June I am sure a lot of my family members and friends will text or call me to ask if they can borrow money for enrollment. It’s hard, but I have to say no for that. I can’t afford to send them all to school.
This is one thing that I like about living a distance away from my family. If they live too near, it is so difficult seeing them struggle in life. But I have to be tough and not baby them all, for them to learn. My Mom is here with me anyway. I don’t worry anymore.
hi feyma… i remember my fiances relatives asking for money when i came to davao to visit. my fiance knows i dont have much. so when they would ask she would tell them….. i have my honey but no money.
also since i am planning to move there next november we did make a buisness investment we bought a cow from her uncle..but thats different coz we r investing money not just giving it away…but by buying the cow it helped her uncles family and will provide future money for both her uncle and our future family.
Hi Ken,
Good that your fiances family have an idea now that you are not giving in. But expect more asking when time you move here.
Good that you already started having business here. Good luck to you and your fiance.
Feyma
Hi Feyma, I’m sorry to make an off-topic comment, but could you make a blog post about appropriate dress for female travelers? I will be spending almost 2 months in a rural area by Lake Sebu, and while I have been to the Philippines before, I have never been to Mindanao let alone a rural area. Thanks!
Ahhhhhh this brings back memories of the the first visit to Mati … my wifes ancestoral home …… 50,000 ps + …. ive never been anywhere in my life where you were invited somewhere and you were expected to pay …. Needless to say …. it didnt happen again …. thing is …. the family don’t like being told no do they? It’s caused us many problems over time … the answer ive found is to tell them “I wont give you money but i’ll give you a days work ….. they tend to leave very quickly …. I learned that one from my friend Phil …. seems its common for all of us.
Hi Feyma, I have the same experience too. I am married to an American man and living here in the US for 3 years now. I and my husband are doing okay financially and we agreed to send money back home every month for my parents, the thing that I don’t undertand now are my siblings who always expect us to help them financially too. They always come up with any reasons for us to send money. I have told them many times that we can’t support another 2 families (my sister and bother) but they still ask/borrow money. I can’t resist and most of the times I give them money and never ask to pay me back especially when it goes to my niece and nephew’s needs. And lately I feel like my siblings are expecting me to send everytime they have a problem moneywise. I want to stop it but how to say NO with out hurting their feelings and not thinking I am such a selfish sister.
Hi, Merly-Nobody will think you are a selfish sister. Help is not a regular(monthly) thing. Save your generosity for bigger needs and emergencies coz that’s when they appreciate you most. I’m just not sure how you explained to them how things should be, but the way I do it, I’m finding success. And please don’t feel miserable just because your family wants money from you. It’s really ok to say NO sometimes but when you say it, leave them hope that -in matters of life and death emergencies, they can count on you. I pretty much have an idea how much my family in the Phils. needs(not want) so I give them more than enough but tell them to save it coz I am not sure when I will be able to send again(of course I know) that is only to keep them from the habit of expecting. So there’s really no exact day or month when they get their money. And for the things they want, I usually give it to them but I make them wait for their birthdays or on Christmastime. Again, that is oly to make them think that I still have to work for it. That way, they value it more. It only tends to be a problem for us if we don’t really have the money they want(again,not really need) but if we have it and we have more than enough to share to them, for me, that’s the greatest feeling. Besides, that’s what we’re here for, for them. I feel obligated sometimes but never felt being used and abused. I’m in control of the whole situation (and still get love and respect), you can be too.
thanks kiarizona! what you said really works in my end.
Hi Feyma!
I hope I can meet you one day when we visit Gensan, where I was born and raised, and where majority of my relatives are. I am living here in the US for 8 yrs. now. Regarding money issues with relatives, that is so true. But I did indirectly mention it to my family, even before I arrived here in the US, for my family to realize that I am not here to support them. I think I’m lucky also, at least, for my immediate family members that they get it. And like you, they are aware, that I only feel obligated of helping my Mom, not the rest of them.
We are also supporting our nephews and nieces for schooling. And that’s where it stops. You want our help, then, you go to school. I do send them balikbayan boxes once in a while. However, it’s the neighbors and the distant relatives that expect something. They thought that since I’m here, I am sending money regularly to my sister, who takes care of my Mom. One day my sister was wearing a shirt that she bought from “ukay-ukay”, and the neighbors thought it’s one of the stuff that I sent to her. My sister just smiled.
Though we’re years away from retirement, I am convincing my Nigerian American husband to settle there. He likes to visit Philippines, but not into the idea of settling there yet. And if ever it will happen, like you, we may settle in Davao area also. We are planning of sending our 4-yr old son, to high school either in Gensan or Davao. I am really hoping that we can meet when we visit Gensan next year. You’ve sort of, been there, done that; and I don’t want to reinvent the wheel.
Hi Yadni- We are in the same boat. Like you my distant relatives are the one bugging me about money. It’s annoying. Anyway, I tell them right away that we don’t have money. Hope to see you sometime next year when you visit GenSan then. We will make chikka about our life then. We have so much to talk about.
Hi feyma this my problem relatives of my wife I am skirt nobody ask me about money nothing antil now because
I visit philippines only 4 times i don’t understand the custom
of philippines.my wife she is from san juan nearly vigan and
I am thinking where to stay and I live with my wife. one day
come one philipino man neighbor of the house in san juan and help us to delivery one big table in garden after I give him drink
2 beer and I look him is like crazy only 2 beer drink and for me it is for very big surprise because I look him every day is good person. And now If call me in birth day or fiesta relatives
of my wife I am thinking I no like to go because philippino men
is good (normal) if no drink alkohol but If drink alkohol different face. I look many philippino people in san juan and vigan very frinedly and happy for me I haven’t any problem. Only I am thinking where I stay first nearly of the relatives of my wife
And I go another place what you think. I am greek from athens
your husband help to me to mutch give me many advice for many thinks.
regards from athens
Hi Zois- I’m sorry about your dilemma there. You know what when we first move here we have same problems. Later we decided to live away from my family so that it would not be a problem for us. Right now we lived like 3 hours drive away from them. It’s hard seeing them just relax and here we are working and they will just ask money not even go through hardwork. If I were you, you talk to your wife and tell her your concern whenever you visit here in the Philippines. Maybe she will get the picture and realize it. Maybe she might want to go other place that you guys would enjoy and have fun and not worry about the family.
Goodluck to you. I’m happy that you also ask advice from my husband at least he can tell you how he felt before when we used to be near to my family.
Hi Feyma many thanks my wife name is virginia she’s already read your article
she is understand now some things only she is skirt if we go
another place no have any relatives help to us she is skirt if no
have any relatives nearly from us and also she’s don’t know other
place to live only she is san juan nearly to vigan. Because live
with me 20 years in athens greece.
regards zois and virginia
Hi Zois- I understand what you mean by your wife’s fear to live away from family. I felt the same way before, but you know what living away was the best decision we ever did. Well she should just think it this way she went to Greece a long time ago and get adjusted there, maybe if she thinks that she did good in Greece for 20 years without family, she should be fine living away then. Just a thought though.
Goodluck to you and Virginia
My wife is Filipina and I am Caucasian. We are living in the US. Her family, as most in the Phils, has an income of about $100. per month and they have 8 children. Five of the kids are grown and 3 are still of college age. The mom has a government job and the father has a small farm.
One of her sisters has been married to a guy here in the States for about 8 years. Over the years I have heard stories about the amounts of money they have sent to the family. I was told they paid off a land loan, bought them a multicab and the sister sent regular sums. They were having the mom oversee the building of their house in the Phils when she took about $6000. of their house money for flooring a metal gate for their own house. I am not sure the rest was to repay a delinquent loan or what. Since that happened the sister here no longer communicates with the family.
My wife worked abroad for 3 years to send money home to the family to rebuild their house. I met my wife when she had returned to the Phils. I sent her $500. per month for about 1 ½ years. I knew she used some of the money for her brother’s college but that was okay with me. Her willingness to give was one of the qualities I appreciated in her.
When she came to the US several months ago I assumed that the amount needed to send every month would be less than the $500. She explained to me that she now needed to take over the gap that her sister here was no longer going to send so it’s still $500.. So, months have passed and we have been sending the $500. I figured she would be sending it from what she could earn. I can deal with it as the boys will graduate in a couple of years. However, I have also received letters requesting money from both of her parents. Less than a month after we were married I received a letter from her father. It explained that she had an obligation to send money even though she is now married and still didn’t have a job. He included some delinquent loan papers of a few thousand dollars for me. He explained that extended families take care of each other in the Phils not like here in the US. I found the letter to be missing any congratulations on getting married or thanks for the money you are already sending. The wording of the letter was insulting to our way of life here. My wife says “He just thought you might want to pay them!”.
Her parents had tourist visa’a to go to the US. I paid for those too but that’s another story. I wanted to put an end to this and asked my wife that if we bought one of them a ticket to the US. One parent could come here to earn some money for a ticket to bring the other over. They could both earn. My wife discussed it with her parents and it was decided that her mom would first come. Her mother assured us that she had a job lined up through a friend. Well, she’s been here a little over a week and the job in NY disappeared. The airfare to NY is non-refundable. She could have had another job locally but turned it down. My wife said she thought it was okay but it was not acceptable to the mom. Now her plan is to take a office job for 2 months which will not make enough money to bring dad here as she is going go back to the Phils early. Mom says the US is not for them and will just go back to the Phils and live life as it was. My wife stands ready to start sending the money again.
I spent more for the plane ticket than what mom is going to earn. My gripe is several fold. I am miffed at the mom because she has trashed the family opportunity and put the burden back on my wife. My wife defends all of her parent’s decisions to me when there really is no defense at all. Her parents are poor, in part, because they moved to a very isolated city when they were young. Between her sister and I there has been $20 - $30,000. donated or taken. Still, they have nothing. No multicab, no jeepney, no money and delinquent loans.
I would like my wife to continue to help her family but I want our relationship to be free and immune to the extraordinary schemes, extra requests, demands, etc. I feel that my wifes’ focus since she has been here is only about how she can support her parents. I don’t feel she’s with me as much as the breadwinner for her parents. I’ve never asked her to send nothing. I want her to recognize that her parent’s, if she lets them continue, will destroy our relationship. The only thing we ever argue about is the money needs of her family. I never intended to adopt or assume responsibility for their needs for money. I have never heard any appreciation for what has been sent. It’s just a constant barrage of “We need money”. I am feeling like the bad guy today and that she has put me in this spot. She just says “They’re my family and what can I do?”. I say “You are married to me now and you need to make some hard decisions on how to handle them and keep it out of our relationship”. Honestly, I think she’s been used and abused for so long she doesn’t understand anything else. Her father told her as a little girl that she needed to do well in school so she could send them money. Why doesn’t he give up drinking and smokes before he puts the pressure on his daughter. Is this really the Filipino culture? Is their behavior really normal and okay by Filipino tradition?
So, that’s my side of the story. I am looking forward to hearing some constructive feedback.
hi jim,
after reading your post, i cant help but give a feedback. To tell you the truth, live is so hard in te philippines that i know some families who are also asking help from their relatives working in the US. But i was appaled by the way your n-laws treat you and your wife. I dont think that is right. You must set boundaries!
Nevertheless, you must also understand why your in-laws are asking money from you. Set their expectation. perhaps they are thinking that you are the answer to their dreams. try to change that. Ask your wife to be logical and although she has the responsibility to help her family (believe it or not, she does, in a filipino perspective that is) she must also be logical about money especially if you guys are starting a family. Try to cover the expenses of brother -in law then thats it. thats enough of help in my opinion. Also try to speak to your in-laws. it is a social law: if they know you, they will treat you as human, not garbage.
Thanks Jerico,
Your input is appreciated!
I really do want to understand the culture. I think lately we’ve had a serious culture clash.
I hope I hear more opinions on how to handle this.
Jim
Hi Jim - Both Feyma and I read your comment and have discussed it together. To be honest, we are both at a loss for what to say to you. Your in-laws are doing you wrong, and so is your wife, in my opinion. For her parents to have gotten $20 to 30k in assistance is such a huge amount! For the father to send you a letter and basically spell out that you have to send money? That is shameful. Honestly, I can’t believe that your wife would sit back and not react to that. It sounds like her sister got the message when the mother took off with the $6k, I wonder why your wife did not get the message?
Jim, to me, you have gone way above the call of duty. If you don’t offer any additional assistance to the family, you are already covered for life. Maybe others will disagree with me, but that is how I feel, and from our conversation I would say that Feyma feels the same way. Frankly, I think your wife needs to do some maturing and learn the value of money.
I don’t know what else to say.
Hi Bob,
Thanks much for your input. Your site is a great service for many.
Though disturbed with what has happened I am trying to keep an open mind so more opinions are welcome.
Thanks for the good reading.
Jim
Hi Jim:
My thinking is that you’re made a milking cos by your in-laws (pardon me for the term). I wonder why your wife tolerated this behavior toward both of you. Getting a tourist visa had showed that they’re capable financially, and they’re not impoverished at all, despite some help for a “show money” perhaps. Something doesn’t make sense and I hope you and your wife will be able to sort this out.
Hi Jim, I am married to an american for 20 yrs. now and I used to help out my mother and siblings back home. I never got a thank you or some kind of appreciation. I won’t send anymore money and my family are not speaking to me. I understand your situation and I hope your wife will see that it is okey to help every now and then but not support them every month. I think it was very rude from your father in law to demand finnancial support because you are now married to his daughter. My husband do not mind helping my family but I put a stopped to it. I probably sound not so generous to a lot but I don’t care. I wish you and your wife the best.
Marilou
Hi Jim,
I believe this issue is rooted from having the Philippines colonized by Spaniard Conquistadors (putting aside blames to anybody). If we’ve noticed, US immigrants from Latin countries such as Mexico, El Salvador, Guatamela, and others, have similar inspirations - to work hard, send money back home, and bring family members to the ‘Land of Opportunity’. During the occupation of the country, the people worked hard and their earnings were taken away - to suffice the demands of then, ‘The Authorities’. Nothing was left to the people but the strength of their famliy unit, and loyalty to what they called ‘Home’ - with that in mind, they will always SURVIVE.
Your stuation is a common issue to marriages between a foreigner man and a Filipina woman. She feels obliged to prove her loyalty to her family back home. But, what she needs to be reminded is the fact that when she decided to marry you, her loyalty needs to be devoted first to her own family, you and her. Her family values, a treasured quality of all Filipinos, should not be abandoned nor be maintained only by her ability to support them monetarily. Eventually, her family will realize that she’s grown up.
Married to a Caucasian man for 33 years, had purposely lost contact with my family in the Philippines for almost 27 years for the same reason. I recently reunited with them and they respect me more than ever before.
Take care…
hello feyma
wow and all this time i thought i was alone in my culture clash.it was the other day im chatting with my fiancee and she asked if i had any regrets,,hmmmmm this seemed like a loaded question.so i asked if she wanted the truth,she said yes so here goes,i told her my only regret was agreeing that her mom,2 brothers and sister live with her at our house that we rented.at first all was good and everything seemed like it was awsome.and all of a sudden they started asking more money from me,this was the start of the domino effect for me.i only asked a few rules of the house i rented there and pretty soon mom inlaw was the kingpin of the house and all rules.it didnt matter what i felt or said.this really angered me alot.i told my fiancee to just move and let them pay everything and she told me she would take our son to her dads farm never to speak to me again.talk about being pressured into supporting them.so from the beginning i was in heaven and now its like a prison sentance.i know the philipino cunture now and its certainly not my culture and im not happy about it.i told my fiancee that her family needed more english lessons because they only learned the word me,me,me,me,im sending most of the money i earn so they have a nice life and im the one who lives in poverty.this makes no sence to me for sure.i know this is an older post but i thought i would comment anyways.thanks bob and feyma
Hi y’ll. I am not Philipino but an Asian. I think almost all asian ‘ people’ think that whoever live in USA they must be rich and a ‘ Santa Claus’. I do help my dad (my mom passed away when I was 17yo) and my unemployment sister, and help some kids to school. I used to spent more than $600-750monthly but now only $370 monthly (for the last 2yrs). I’m married with American and I’m an American citizen since last year (been married and live here in States for 8yrs now). My hubby doesn’t wanna know how much I send money back home (American always count annually LOL so he’ll be freak out if he knew that his wife spent more than 10K or now around 4grants) as long I don’t use his paycheck (our grocery, savings and monthly bills) so I work and spend my money for family’s and my own bills (car note/car ins and my own credit cards). My dad isn’t in a good shape (dialysis) so I knew I have to help him with his transportation money (he couldn’t drive his car anymore and he’s 73 now) my sister single and unemployment, she still looking for work (I knew it’s hard to get one now). When my dad came visit us I paid for the ticket I don’t wanna let my hubby think that my family is a burden (financial burden). Now we’re expecting the little one (after 8 years finally thank you JC!). I don’t worry to much whether I would be able to help them or not.. because I think God is the Provider not just only for me.. but for my dad and sister. God bless you guys who help your family but I think you should think about your own ‘family’ too.. you’re married and have family that’s the priority in your life now. For me personally, helping my asian family is not my hubby’s responsibility but mine.