Firstly, was the obligatory visit to the family. Hana and I fell in love online. I was extremely busy at work and offered to pay for her to visit me in Australia. “NO! You MUST meet my family and seek their approval; even if it’s only for a few days!” So it was, it took me 2 months to get a 10 day break from work in order to visit Hana and her family.

A friend decided to come with me; we drove from outside Alice Springs to Darwin as no flights were available. This was 22 hours of high speed desert driving. A few hours sleep at a family members home in Darwin then onto the flight via Singapore to Clark airport at Pampanga; the closest airport to Hana’s home in Southern Zambales.

I had been paying Hana an allowance for a couple of months, so she had time to get her papers together; hence the family already believed I was very serious about our relationship.

Amazingly, they allowed us to stay together at her uncles house; very unusual for a nice girl from a good family.

Knowing what I know now I am still surprised at this expression of trust. I would follow this by saying that it is not fair of a boyfriend to expect this much trust from the family. Certainly don’t think of trying to get her to stay at a resort with you; if the relationship doesn’t work out your girlfriend may find she has lost her good standing in the community. This can ruin her chances of a successful marriage later. Sounds harsh by western standards; but this is the Philippines.

Anyway, the visit went really well, a few speed wobbles with Hana’s uncles were resolved over a beer or 3 and some forthright communication. They just wanted to know I was sincere with my feelings about Hana and to let me know how important she is to them. I am now very close to these men, they are like brothers to me, very kind and funny.

So 2 days before I left, we had a formal engagement announcement dinner at a local resort; this went easily and we had a teary goodbye before I flew home for another stint of work.

I knew I would have a few weeks off at Christmas so I promised Hana and her family I would be back by Christmas.

As it turned out, my feelings were too strong to wait. I took a weekend job and worked 7 days a week for 2 months. All this time I kept supporting Hana at a level slightly higher than she had earned as a professional retailer.

After 2 months I had enough AUD$ to return and marry Hana as well as spend at least 5 months here in the Philippines. I also had my birth certificate and Certificate of No Impediment to Marriage; I got this document from Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade in Darwin. To this day I have never been to Manila, I have been able to sort out all paperwork from the local area; the Municipal Office in our town and Immigration in Olongapo/ Subic.

Within 3 days of returning here I bought a motorcycle and rented a house. Within a week our application for Marriage licence was lodged. Hana’s Nanay moved in with us as chaperone/ helper.

18 days after my return we visited the mayors house and became legally married.

Everyday we were asked repeatedly by various people when we were going to have a proper church wedding. The uncles and Hana’s brother never congratulated us; just hard looks and questions about the formal wedding.

I was trying to convince my mother and a brother to come. 2 weeks later they told me they could come in May next year; they were too worried about the economy and terrorist issues to come sooner.

I tried for a week to convince Hana’s family to wait until May. “NO WAY!”

So in the end it was a 10 day rush to organize everything; clothes, catering, church, invitations, decorations etc.  With my wife being a life long local here, this was not too hard. We were helped a lot by her Pastor and his Wife.  We got an excellent deal on catering to the reception at the home we are renting; invitations and clothes likewise.

The glitterati of the town came, a couple of Barangay Captains and business people were our sponsors.

The tradition in the Philippines is to have at the top of the list of guests, a list of sponsors. These become the couples second parents during the wedding ceremony. They are chosen for their abilities to help secure the future of the newlywed couple; morally, materially and spiritually.

The wedding was a fusion of American Baptist with traditional Filipino customs.  We had 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen; about 12 family members, 10 sponsors and about 130 guests.  The Church was lovingly decorated by members, with flowers and balloons as well as the traditional big sign with our names carved into it, hanging over the altar.

The usual exchange of vows and rings was conveniently for me, done in English; this was followed by the lighting of a unity candle then the placing of Hana’s veil over my shoulders as we knelt together. Then a rope signifying the commitment between us was placed around both of us. All very powerfully symbolic and moving.

The air of intimacy was intense; everyone was congratulating us and telling me what a lovely lady Hana is and her how Gwapo I am. Our photographer followed the entire proceeding from Hana’s dressing room to the final rituals at the reception. We had to feed each other cake and wine then dance while people pinned money to us. Hana had her 1st and only ever sip of alcohol that day! I drank most of the bottle later!

All in all our wedding was the most enjoyable unforgettable experience of my life; which I now know is why it is so important to Filipino family life. It’s about bonding the couple with family and the community as well as each other.

Knowing as I now know; I would recommend anyone planning to marry a Filipina does so in the Philippines, in her home town. If you want to have a confirmational wedding in your home country do so.

The fact that everyone here knows about divorce in other countries; while there is no divorce here, means as a foreigner you will be seen as genuine if you are prepared to marry here.

The reader should note that my intention is to be based in the Philippines permanently with my wife; hence building relationships with her family and community is vital to my vision of our future together. I believe Hana’s confidence in me has grown a lot through this process; as she can see I am learning and respecting her country, her family, her culture, her community.

So after all that Hana asked me “So when is our anniversary? The 8th or 28th?” I answered “Both!”

For any man considering marriage to a Filipina:

You may consider the cultural expectations of your wife to be extreme? Consider this: these are the norms expected of a Filipino man wanting to engage with a Filipina.

1. The Man will politely ask the girl if she would consider a courtship; she may decline or accept even if she has a number of current courtships going on.
2. If the man wants an exclusive relationship (boyfriend/ girlfriend) he must propse such to the girl then arrange a visit to her home (invariably with her family), the family will interrogate the suitor with all kinds of extremely personal questions: how many girls has he courted before, how will he support her, whay kind of man is he, how does he think, what is his religion and practice???
3. If the family give favorable advice to the girl about the man, she may then decide to become his girlfriend, At this point it is proper she break off courtships with other men and focus on the one she and her family have accepted.
4. The now boyfriend/ girlfriend will be allowed to go on dates: Chaperoned.
5. The man will propose marriage to the lady; she will again seek family advice before accepting his proposal. Her family will often want to interrogate the suitor again before giving advice. If this advice is positive and the lady feels this is the man for her, she will accept his proposal.
6. There must be a formal engagement where the groom and bride announce to the family their intention to marry.  The family will include uncles and aunts, not just parents.
7. The wedding must be paid for by the groom. The bride will help arrange things, get the best deal etc.
8. Even if the family is not seriously religious, the marriage must be done in a church. Legal only marriage is seen as a cop out, cheapskate way of taking the girl away from her family. The church wedding is designed to be a community event. It secures the couple to each other, as well as demanding respect from the family and community.

Ulaw is shame, or loss of face. Here is what my study materials have to say about Ulaw:

Ulaw: “Shame, Loss of Face”

Ulaw is a strong sense of propriety.  It is a Filipino’s place in a social setting.  It is a strong insult to charge a Filipino with not having “ulaw,” for it means that he does not know either the difference between right and wrong, or he does not feel the proper sense of shame when in a socially unacceptable position.

This is something that I find very foreign to my way of thinking.  One thing that has always made me feel very uncomfortable is that Filipino kids are taught to be ashamed.  I have always felt that Filipinos (particularly children) have very low self esteem, and that this low self esteem is taught to them, and expected of them.  If they do not have this sense of shame, they are being too forward, or being braggarts.  While I understand that this is important to the culture of the Philippines, it is something that I am very uncomfortable with, even after having lived here for a long time already.

As an example, sometimes you will meet a young child who is very cute.  If you talk to the kid, firstly they usually won’t respond to you.  They have been taught that they should be shy or ashamed to talk to people, especially foreigners.  Their “place” (as described above) is below that of the foreigner.  Where I come from, we are taught that all of us are equal, so this sense of Ulaw goes against the grain of the culture that I have learned since being a young child.  If you can actually get a young Filipino child to talk to you, if you ask them if they are “gwapa” or beautiful, they invariably answer that they are not, some will even say that they are ugly.  I really hate to hear this, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

For the Filipino, though, if the child would actually say that they are cute or good looking, it would be shameful, a totally wrong thing to say.  It makes me feel bad, though.  How do you feel about this?

Again, for this topic, let’s have a look at our foreigner thinking, and compare it to how Filipinos would think of the same topic:

1. American/Foreigner way of thinking: Men are equal.
   Filipino way of thinking: A class system (hierarchy).
   This is so true.  Where I come from, we think that no matter how poor or rich a person, we are equal when it comes right down to it.  Here, though, generally the person with the most wealth is “more equal” than the poor person.
2. American/Foreigner way of thinking: Horizontal outlook of people (equality).
   Filipino way of thinking: Vertical outlook of people (hierarchy).
   Again, this is very similar to #1.  I often hear people say “he is higher than you” or “he is lower than you.”  Usually, for a foreigner, you are the one who is at the top, or near the top of the totem pole.  I often feel pretty uncomfortable when I go to some occasion and I am put into a situation of high esteem, when I may not even be known to the others there.  For example, I may be invited to a wedding (for no other reason that I am a foreigner).  If I go, I will often end up being up at the head table, and I don’t even know the couple who is getting married.  Surely there must be somebody else attending the wedding who deserves more to be at the head table than I do!
3. American/Foreigner thinking: Strong sense of right and wrong.
   Filipino thinking: Shame is a major control system.
   In foreigner thinking, a person can be good at one time, and bad at another, it depends if he does the right thing or the wrong thing in each instance.  Under Filipino thinking, if the person is high on the totem pole, if he does something wrong, it may be ignored, simply to not embarrass him.  It would be shameful to say that he has done wrong.
4. American/Foreigner thinking: Good or bad.
   Filipino thinking: What will people say?
   For many of us foreigner, we don’t really care much what other people think, as long as we feel that we are doing the right thing for ourselves and our families, what others think doesn’t really play a role in our thinking.  But, what others will think is of the utmost importance to a Filipino.

So, what do you think?  As you can see, Filipinos are very concerned with what other people think.  If you do something that casts a bad light on the Filipino, it causes them to lose face because it shows other people that they have done something bad.  If they do something bad, but nobody notices, it is as if nothing bad was done at all.  But, calling them out on it can cause you serious problems, because it basically brings down the stock of the Filipino to others who are watching.  You don’t want to do that.

We’ll look at SIR some more next week, and see what other areas of Filipino Culture are different from what we are used to.

Time to think of Christmas again.

Gosh, I felt we just had Christmas yesterday. Now time to celebrate again. Honestly with the world problems right now any family would have a hard time celebrating Christmas. I know for us we told our kids that we don’t want to spend too much this year. We still do our routine every year we give out little stuff to our less fortunate Kababayans here in Davao area. Thats what Christmas is all about, giving.

I am shocked this year that we didn’t have carolers in the house. My gosh before just the beginning of November we could have like 4 or more carolers a night. It’s mostly kids (the Lumads - native people). If  you give more than they expected, they will be back the next day and thought they will get same or more.  Our kids like to  watch them sing and give some money. Especially Chris, he likes it. But its December already I didn’t hear the kids yet. I just saw a man at the gate the other day asking for money. I didn’t give I felt he could get a job somewhere like a house boy, gardener or something.

I guess it is time for me to put our Christmas tree up. I don’t really feel like it, its a big job to put lots of lights on it. Oh well,  the kids like to see our tree up anyway. They might have to help put the ornaments though. It feels Christmas then.

We set limits this year of how many presents the kids would get. We will have our nieces and nephew here with us. Its going to be fun for the kids to open presents. Buying presents here in Davao, lately is not really much of a problem. Lots of the stores now carry stuff that the whole family needs. But if you really want fancy stuff you can just fly to Manila or some other Asian countries its just few hours of flying anyway.

Really I hope that all of you out there have a good Christmas this year despite the crisis.  Have a good  Noche Buena to all.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

About a month ago or so, our microwave oven broke.  There was something wrong with the keypad, and when you typed in keys, it didn’t register in the unit.  Basically, the microwave was not useable at all.  Well, in the USA, when I lived there, when something like this would happen, we would think to ourselves, “it’s time to get a new microwave!”  However, here in the Philippines, people get things fixed instead of throwing them away.  So, really, getting a broken item fixed is, in my opinion, the Filipino way!

Well, when the microwave stopped working, I told Feyma that she should tell our nephew to bring it in to the repair shop and have them take a look at it.  Feyma responded by saying that she didn’t think it could be fixed.  She said that if it could be fixed, she thought it would be too expensive to have it fixed.  It was, she said, cheaper to just buy a new microwave!

Well, this didn’t sit well with me.  The microwave was only a few years old, maybe 5 years old at the most, and it is a really nice microwave, not a low end unit.  Feyma and I were at a store a couple weeks ago and saw microwaves there, and they were only P3,000 or less.  Not bad, but these were not of the same quality that we already had.  Feyma and I agreed that maybe we should go for a cheap unit, and just consider it disposeable.

I told Feyma, though, that first I wanted to have our broken microwave to be looked at by the service technicians.  Well, our niece took the microwave in to the shop, and we got the diagnosis about 2 days later.  It could be fixed after all!  How much?  P550, only about $11.  Now, that is exactly what I expected it to be!  So, the microwave was fixed.  It worked for a few days and went out again!  But, the technicians fixed it again for free.  Now, it is acting funny again, but we have been told that for about $35 they can replace the whole keypad module, and it should be as good as new.

What will be the final outcome on this?  I can’t be certain.  However, I find it quite interesting that Feyma has taken the more American viewpoint of “let’s throw it away and get a new one.”  Meanwhile, I have taken the stance that we should get the old one fixed!

So, who is more Filipino?

The evening was chilly; one could almost imagine that the church, the streets, the rows of shabby souvenir shops and donut chains outside, and all the rest of Manila were air-conditioned. The leaves of the fruitless trees beside the adoration chapel created a gentle rustling sound, and the seven o’clock sky was pink. Indeed, the weather is best come December. It doesn’t rain, it is never too hot, and the choirs are in shape after months of practice and preparation for the birth of Jesus Christ. When the priest called on everyone to open their hands to heaven for the singing of Our Father, they did not hesitate, and immediately a great chorus was heard, unrestrained, drifting through the open air like a strong memory – of seasons past, of songs sung, masses attended and prayers whispered.

It used to be that on the several nights leading up to Christmas Day, I’d join my parents and siblings at the Banahaw Cultural Center, located on the outskirts of affluent New Manila, to hear a quietly lengthy Latin mass with associates and numeraries and supernumeraries and their families. There was always a closed-circuit video camera set up inside the golden chapel, at the back of the pews, such that those who had arrived after the meditation and were thus forced to sit outside can still see the priest’s face as he delivered his homily and went about the rituals, the lapel microphone hidden underneath his garments.

Since I seldom received the Eucharist, I was usually relegated to watching the monitor from a wooden chair, shiny from polishing; it was amusing to observe the self-conscious movements of those who were abashed at being focused on by the camera; they were usually young people. After the mass an assigned person blew the tall wax candles and there’d be cocktails and sweet pastries waiting outside, by a humble sort of garden decorated with constellations of yellow lights. It was where one engaged in chats either polite or apostolic, sometimes both, always ephemeral, since families always left early for more intimate celebrations at home.

The next few years I did not see any priest’s face; I did not go to church or the center in New Manila to mark the holiday season, even though a Filipino Christmas is as much a religious idea as it is commercial. How much was missed? One cannot tell. Only now, as then, rebellion in any form is inappropriate.

I stayed at the car park for a few more minutes after the final hymn, content to hold my view without analysis. The previously pink sky had slowly become deep clear lavender. And there was no way one can disagree with the scene. I did not, however, see the celebrant walk towards the parish office; there were simply too many people. Family by family, they filed out, while the song faded into the darkness.

Making the move to the Philippines was a major life decision for us, and it was not an easy decision for Feyma to make.  It took probably a year or so of me talking about making such a move before Feyma decided to give her go-ahead.  You know, such a decision cannot really be made without the approval from the “Big Boss” if you know what I mean (all of you guys understand, I am sure!).

So, without further fanfare, here is the Podcast with Feyma and myself.

It is rather like telling people the first record you ever bought and watching their faces into trying to understand why, because they do not share the moment in time where thet song became associated with something or somebody.

This got me thinking about records that I will al;ways associate with the Philippines.

If you leave me now/Chicago

Lost in space/Lighthouse Family

Pinoy Ako/Orange  and Lemons  THEME FROM PINOY BIG BROTHER

My humps/Black eyed peas

Father and son/Cat Stevens

You make me feel brand new /Stylistics

Close to you/Carpenters

Life on Mars/David Bowie

Now if I had to produce an album that made me want to make the memories of the Philippines flood back those tracks would be included because of the significance of them.

I have decided to make a CD  setup for myself next year of about 100 tracks.

Can anyone suggest what to put in and why?

So, how is this related to SIR?  Pakig-Uban generally means “good public relations,” and in relation to SIR it means going along with the group, and adjusting to the group norms.

As I said in the previous article about In Group, pointed out that Filipinos really have a need to be part a larger group, and do not like being alone.  To remain part of the group, it is important for each group member to conform to the group, and to take on the group values.  If the person bucks the group norm, the person will not remain in the group for long.  But, by conforming to the values of the group, the person gets “backing” from the other group members, they will be behind this person through thick and thin.

How about some examples of this, by looking at the foreigner’s viewpoint of a subject, and then how the Filipino will view it:

1. American/Foreinger View: The individual manipulates his environment.  Man studies the laws of nature and takes advantage of them.
   Filipino View: The individual has to placate the powers that be.  There is no individual control of what happens in life.
   Wow, how interesting.  As an American, I could never bring myself to think along the lines of the way that Filipinos view this.  It simply is so far outside my way of thinking that it is incomprehensible.  See what I am saying about the group - the individual Filipino fees that he must conform to the group because it is only the group that would have enough power to have any control of any situation.  Even the group, though, would not have control over something as large as life itself.
2. American/Foreigner way: Open to change, flux and movement.
   Filipino way: Follows the traditional way.
   For the Filipino to even breach the topic of changing the way something is or should be done, it breaks with the group thought.  Filipinos, as a large group, have done things a certain way for generations, and to think of a new way would be to say that the old way of doing it is wrong, so it is not natural for a Filipino to bring new ideas to the table.
3. American/Foreigner way: “My fair share”.  The American or Foreigner wants to make sure that he (and his family, of course) always get their fair share.  If something is to be divided, it is important that he gets (at least) what is due to him.
   Filipino way: “Everyone’s fair share”.  Instead of looking out for himself, the Filipino is interested to see that everybody involved gets his fair amount.  It would not be fair to the entire group, after all, if one person in the group got more than he should, because that would mean that others in the group did not get what they should have gotten.
4. American/Foreigner way: Work hard to keep up with the Jones family.
   Filipino way: If the “Dela Cruz” family has a stroke of luck or fortune, they should share it with the rest of the group.
   This a major difference between our cultures.  It is also something that causes a lot of heartache among us foreigners.  When you have more than the others, you are expected to share the wealth.  Filipinos who get a raise at work or get promoted to a better job will often throw a big party for their group of friends, and will spend a huge amount of money.  To do less would be to abandon the group.

These are just a few examples of how Filipinos must defer to the group, and always uphold the values of the group.  Most of us westerners would have long since told the group where to go if the group expected conformity from us.  That is not the Filipino way, though.

It’s just one more part of SIR.  Don’t take me wrong about SIR, I am not saying that we should all live our lives by SIR, I could not do it.  I can, though, accept parts of SIR into my life, while not conforming with others.  Even if we don’t conform, it is still useful and helpful to understand it so that we can make an easier life for ourselves in the Philippines.

Yesterday (November 29), while joining a German friend’s birthday party, strokes of fate came our way: within two hours our beloved auntie (living not in our compound, but in the closest neighborhood) and the mother of my sister-in-law Ellen passed away… .Some friends and family members called it really “harvest time”. In our family, friends circle and business partners we counted now 11 obituaries since June 2008. Fate’s irony: the business is going up and up - we don’t know what to do first sometimes.

2008 - good or bad? To be or not to be? To say it clearly: without faith we are really nothing. Faith is belief, believe in us, belief in our work, talents and our personalities. Believe in our families and in our friends, even it seems to become very difficult many times. I can’t say, that I didn’t do that while still staying in Germany. Here in the Philippines, it became easier for me to believe in faith. I was able to find a real family and very good friends. If not, i would have reach the rock bottom. Don’t say, it’s a likely story… .

The German poet Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller 91759-18150 mentioned in his drama “Maria Stuart’; ‘even the word might be dead, but faith keeps it alive!” Faith is tantamount to convincing and conviction. Richard Wagner (German classical composer and poet, 1813-1883) found the following lyric: “Blessed are those people, who know how to live their life in humility and faith!” Faith is trust or reliance. Faith is really a pledged word.

2008 - a good or a bad year?

What do you think?

As I recall, I believe that I first got that moniker in November or possibly December 2006, so it is 2 years old now.  I was at NCCC Mall in Davao City one day and had a haircut at Big Tom’s Barbershop there. After my haircut, I was walking around the mall doing a little window shopping, and after I had walked all through the mall, I was ready to go home, so I started walking toward the exit.  Before I made it to the exit, though, somebody came running up from behind me and sort of jumped in front of me.  Honestly, it scared me a little bit, because I was not expecting anybody to jump in front of me like that.  The guy said “Are you Bob?”  “Well, yes,” I responded.  The man kind of looked at me and paused, then asked further, “Mindanao Bob?”  I said, “Well, I guess so.”  And a new nickname was born!

After about 30 seconds, a lady came running and the fellow exclaimed to her, “Yeah, it’s him!”  Hmm… I was feeling kind of strange, and not sure what was going on.  The fellow introduced himself as Scott, and explained to me that he and his wife were regular readers of this site and also my Mindanao Blog (now relaunched as Mindanao Magazine) and it was because of my Mindanao website that Scott came up with the name “Mindanao Bob.”

I had never thought of such a name before, but upon reflection it seemed to kind of fit, because I have had a sort of love affair with Mindanao for many years now.  I fell in love with Mindanao before I even set foot on the Island, in 1990.  When I was flying over Mindanao to land for the first time in General Santos City, just looking at the scenery, the lay of the land, I felt a special feeling in my heart, and it has only grown over the years.  So, to me, it was kind of a special thing to be called “Mindanao Bob” for the first time.  After that, I told the story a few times, and people picked up on the name, and it stuck.

Now, there is another thing that kind of ties in with this.  My haircut.  I never had really short hair until we moved to Davao.  Even when we lived in General Santos, I had longer hair.  Not too long, but much longer than now.  When we moved to Davao, just a couple weeks after arriving, I decided I was going to get a really short haircut.  I told Feyma, and she was not too fond of the idea.  But, I wanted to do it.  Ever since then, I have had the haircut, which I call the “Mindanao Bob Haircut” these days.  My main reason for having extremely short hair is that it is comfortable, and it is also cooler.  The weather can be quite hot here, as we all know, and having such short hair helps keep me feeling cooler, I find.

I get teased by people about my hair being so short, but it’s OK.  The main people that tease me are my kids.  I still tease them, when they are going for a haircut, I always ask, “are you going to get a Mindanao Bob cut?” They laugh at me on the way out the door.  I especially like to tease my daughter, Jean, about this, and she gets a kick out of it.  A while back, Migs wrote an article saying that he gets a “Dos” cut, meaning that the barber uses the “number two” setting on the clippers, which regulates the length of the hair.  Well, for any of you who want to get a “Mindanao Bob cut,” I go with a “Dos” or number 2 on the top, and number 1 on the sides!  Go for it, you won’t regret it!

So, anyway, this is the story of the name “Mindanao Bob” and I’d like to offer my thanks to Scott, if he is still reading, for pinning this moniker on me!  Thanks also to Macky, a regular reader and commenter, who drew my “Mindanao Bob” caricature that you see often on my sites.  That caricature that Macky drew for me is part of the whole “Mindanao Bob” character these days!  Thanks again, guys.