Living in the Philippines - Looking at the life you left behind.
Will you be one of those who looks longingly at the life you left behind ?
I want to start another post that I hope will be of interest to all readers and contributors, as its Bank Holiday in the UK today, we are not working, you know how it is, geeeeeze when you get the chance of day off work, you dont know what to do with yourself, in my case, and being alone by the way, I decided to take a drive to to the mouth of a river I know, there are a couple of pubs there ( Bars for our American cousins and far east readers).
Well actually they are not like sports bars or anything like that, they are old english country public houses, many of them have been there for hundreds of years, and they are still popular today, the ususal British Bank holiday day trippers were all there, drinking lager, beers, spirits and munching away at baskets of snacks and fries, just looking across the river to the yaughting marina, the weather was fine.
Thats the problem with public holidays, it kind of gets you out of your routine and gets you thinking about life in general and just for a moment, your mind wanders - in my case it wandered across the continent of Europe, over the Former Soviet Block, over Mongolia and down through Northern China, and finally yes you guessed it - into the Philippines.
i thought for a moment as I scanned people with their families, couples chatting, children playing on the beach, it was a typical beautiful english summer day, the type that makes you glad to be alive, and I contrasted the views at that moment, with the views back in the Philippines, I thought about what Angie or Tina said about the trials and cultural differences in inter-marriages, and wondered when push comes to shove, what if anything will I be leaving behind.
I have a freind who recently went to live in the Philippines, he took his Filipino wife with him, because he wanted to get away from it all, get away from the life in our country, in favour of a better life in the Philippines, I remember some of the posts that Bob has made, he often says “Not all foreigners make a life here, some come, stay for a while, and end up leaving, for one reason or another, they decide its not exactly the life they thought it would be”
Whilst I am not being negative, its good to explore just exactly how one will react in the same situation, I received the news only this week, that my freind is back in UK, he lasted exactly 9 months, he could not take it any longer, in this marriage, one person wanted to stay, one did not, I bet your all thinking the obvious ! the wife was happy the husband was not, hmmmmm so did I, but I thought wrong, actually, the husband was quite happy, that is the foreign husband, it is the wife who was not happy, she was never happy leaving the west, and never wanted to settle back in the Philippines, in the end the pressure of what was left behind became too much, in the end it was all about financial matters, and when push came to shove, the Filipino wife finally got her way.
I have another quick story, its about another freind of mine, all his life he has worked in foreign countries, he is a construction foreman, he has worked in 100’s of countries, no matter how many times he comes back to visit UK, he is off like a shot, 2 weeks and he has had enough, the problem is, he cannot settle back in his country of birth, he complains all the time about the cost of living, the mentality, the weather, you name it he complains about it.
It occured to me that in both these stories there is much to be learned, moving to the Philippines in our example did not work for my freind, although he was perfectly happy, one part of his life was not, suprisingly it was his Filipino wife, she longed for the things left behind, of course if one moves to live in the Philippines, there will always be things that you miss or long for, you will get homesick, it will be no different to all the ladies that leave their home in the Philippines to travel thousands of miles across the world to make alife, look how well they do - we applaud them all, they are fantastic ambassadors for their country, the Filipina is an inspiration for all of the peoples of the world.
Will you be one of those people who looks back at the life you left behind, whenever you go, wherever you wil be, it would be unnatural if you did not look back sometimes and think about the life you left behind, there will be many things you will miss, there will be good and bad, things that you are lucky enough to have, and things that you no longer have.
Maybe you will miss your friends you left behind, when freinds are left behind, new freindships will be made, I did look back today at some of the things, the views of my country that will not be so apparent anymore, we often complain in our country about our political leaders, as Ian and Rick will probably testify in my defence, my goodness do we make fun of them, we complain about everything that is not right, and then in another breath, we make comments in the Philippines about how things would never be done that way, or this would not happen in my country.
I am trying to show that for every life we carve out for ourselves, there will be things about our country of birth and home that we will miss, and yet when we do move to the Philippines, the decision we took will bring with it many benefits, its about one of Bobs favourite phrases, “Balance”, will we and I count myself in the we by the way, will we be able to make that balance for ourselves, giving up some of the things we left behind and embracing some of the things yet to come.
We cannot live in a utopian society, that would be perfect if we could, sadly its not a reality, in my country, I can think of the security of our Social security system that we all take for granted, the transport infrastructure that we constantly moan about, and yet really if we examine it, its fantastic compared to the Philippines.
I can think of many things that will be left behind, one of them I thought about today was the quality of BBC programming, you see we pay a state licence fee to watch it, its mandatory everyone pays for the BBC regardless of whether they watch it or not, I know in the Philippines I will get BBC World on cable, but I know I will also miss the quality of BBC programming like never before.
There are many things that come to mind, yes I think I will probably be one of those who looks longingly at the life they left behind, the question is simple “Will I allow the life I left behind to pull on me to such a degree that it causes me to throw the towel in and head back to the white cliffs of Dover” I hope not, but I think with lots of support like this blog and peer support groups in the Philippines, I am sure I can make it….I hope all of us can, but we cannot discount that what happened to my friend, could happen to us.
And to finalize my post, Bob made a post about burning your bridges, and refraining from doing it, it was a good tip Bob, sadly my freind did burn his bridges, he is now homeless, unemployed and has no money, he cannot make a claim for social security because he has been out of the country for more than 6 months, my freind will have to start all over again, fortunately he is with his family, here again the importance of close family has been shown time and time again, so having read this post, what do you think, are you in agreement with me, its not easy to let go of your former life ?
Your comments are appreciated and your thoughts, what was your experience, did this happen to you, do you longingly look back at the life you left behind, if so how do you cope ?
Hi Pete - It should not have been a big surprise when you learned that your British friend was happy living in the Philippines, yet his Filipina wife was not. That is how it works in 100% of the cases I know where the couple moves back away from the Philippines. I have talked about this before. It is very hard for the Filipino spouse to re-adjust to living in the Philippines again.
Hi Pete,
England/Great Britain, is without doubt, one of the most beautiful country’s in the world, once you get out of the cities, we here have what are probably the best historical monuments, whether it be Stonehenge, or the battle site at Sterling Bridge, or, from my own neck of the woods, Hartshead Pike.
I will miss the regional accents of Britain, the black pudding, the full english breakfast, and fish and chips. and I will miss my sister, though she will be ok, in Devon.
On the other hand, there is much that I wont miss. The cost of living here is high, there are restrictions on every thing you do, speed cameras, the yobs, or ” skally’s “, the high council taxes, and the income tax is way to much.
Upon returning home, after 3 years away in the Army, I saw how much things had changed here, and not for the better. High unemployment, strikes etc.
Just 6 years ago, I was told that I was ” unemployable “, I was 48 years of age! Since then, we have struggled to pay the bills, put food on the table etc, and, all of our savings have disappeared. However, we do have a nice house, in a good area. This is our ace in the hole! House prices have made it possible for us to move out of the country.
Myrna, has had a couple of accidents over the past 3 years, plus, I am diabetic, type 2, and so this is how we came to the conclusion that the Philippines is for us. Sure, the future was looking bleak,we both know that there is no health service there to take care of us if we are ill, and no social securuty for when we are unemployed ( though, its not likely ), and thats fine as far as we are concerned. we have calculated that, what we pay here for our social security and health service, by way of our
” national insurance and taxes “, is about the same as the Phils, and you would get better treatment and care there!
We are going to a small farm lot, in Rizal province, ” Myrna loves to grow things “, and we are going to start a small business too. We are doing things this way, because we want to get away from the hum drum of life in Manila, and have some time to ourselves. James too, is really looking forward to school and having new friends, and some freedom there.
We intend on putting, say £50,000 in a bank here, ” probably HSBC “, and then putting the rest say, £ 100,000 into time deposits there, of course, we will have to split our money among various banks. This should give us a reasonable income, and then hopefully, the business, Whatever it may be, will give us what we need to enjoy life there. That way, if we do have to return, we will have some cash with which, to start a new life back in Blighty.
I dont think that we will be homesick for the UK, but we will have to wait and see, and Myrna’s family will be far enough away, so that they wont be calling round every day. They are however, welcome at any time, providing they text us first.
We too, have friends who went to the Phils, without preparing a contingency plan, and then returned here, in their case, because the money ran out, but they are intent on going back as soon as possible.
I will always be a Brit, and rightly proud of it, but I will also give 100% to the Philippines, as my new home, as I am sure will you and every ex-pat.
By the way, I asked for a price on moving all our stuff over there, it was £29,000, so I think we will sell everything….hehehe. You could have a house built, in the Phils for that much, and still have some change.
Where do you intend on going, when you leave here? Which island have you decided on?
Bye
Ian
I do sometimes look back at the life I left behind. I miss a very few aspects of it like Civil War Reenacting. However, I really figure my life in the US went on life support the day my mother died and that life truly died the day I moved over here. Within a week all but 1 of my friends and all of my family stopped talking to me, they “pulled the plug”. Maybe they will come around again someday. It was a loss and I feel it, however like Cortez burning his ships when he reached the new world, I have new incentive now to make my life work over here. You know this board is the only place I really talk with ex-pats or would be ex-pats, in person I find most ex-pats to be pompous asses and prefer hanging in the barangay with my Filipino family and friends.
Ian
Good luck with your new life there, i wish you well, i am a towney myself and could not contemplate a life in agriculture but also manila, aaaagh, like Bob i am happy in davao. Sorry life here in uk was tough for you, from the army you obviously have survival skills and the love and support of your wife and child, so, hope you will be ok
Louie
Come on Louie, lets all be friends, i am that pompous ass you refer to above, but i am all smiles, easier to be friendly i think. No problem at all to have Barangay buddies, good for you but why catagorise people? i have met all types and some westerners i would rather avoid, but we need some balance in our lives, go on pick up the phone, call your friends / family back home, no need to be so proud Louie (hope i am not being a pain in the a*** here), very best regards
Ouch! Cringe! An excellent comment, Louis, had it ended with “You know this board is the only place I really talk with ex-pats or would be ex-pats, in person.” Come on! We WANT to like you!
Thanks for not responding in kind, Rick!
As someone who has left my home country, I miss less the longer I am gone. We have made regular trips home to the States and keep up with most of our friends and all of our family by phone and the internet. I have to say I miss knowing my grandkids and having them know me. That is probably the hardest part for me. Things are not very convenient here, but I am used to it. I really love Mexican food, so I miss being able to buy corn tortillas and the spices I would like to use. My friends here are Filipino, and I don’t hang out with other expats in town, as we are all busy doing different things. Hanging out on this blog is a new thing, and I am enjoying getting to know you all! I am different from most of you in that some day we will probably retire in the States, and I will have to go through the agonies of reverse culture shock. I am not looking forward to that!
actually I was not referring to anyone on this board because I have not met you all in person, except Bob a couple of times and he’s the farthest thing from the above moniker. I was thinking more along the lines of expats I meet in the mall, hotel, casino. etc. Personal experience, I know you all think I’m a pompous ass because of my comments sometimes but hey I’m not trying to be nasty.
Maybe part of my problem is age difference? I’m 33 and hence younger than most ex-pats, ambot na lang.
Ah, okay, that feels a bit better! Thanks! Bata pa ka (you are still young), so you are still learning, eh?
Hi Louis - Whew! I’m glad that I am not the pompous ass!
No, actually it never crossed my mind that you might have meant me when you said that. Honestly, I have met plenty of foreigners who do fit that description, but there are lots of us who don’t too. Honestly, I hope you don’t feel like an outsider, Louis. I feel that the way to make yourself “one of the gang” would be by participating more on the blog, and interacting with the people here more. Certainly you are welcome here. Regarding age, I started coming to the Philippines when I was 28, and moved here at 38, so I understand what you are saying there.
hey Guys, thanks for your comments, especially Louis, its good to see you again buddy, we should hear more from you, I can tell you you are missed on the blog when we dont see your comments, and I dont think many will be offended by the pompous ass comment, we have all got big enough shoulders I rather fancy to laugh that one off.
I think Louis has done paticularly well as he is iving there now, seems to have few regrets, likes a chat with the home boys on the barangay, or barrios, I have to say also that most expats I meet in town are all older than me, being 45, most of them are 55+ but I find its a matter of having a chat with anyone who is around, I am fine with that.
Ian - glad to hear you have your lifeplan ready, plan the work and work the plan is my motto, you seem to have it all sorted out, like all plans things change, but if you keep sailing in the right direction, I’m sure you will get to your destination ok.
Bob - thanks for putting our freinds case in perspective, his wife really doesnt want to be back in Phils, hmmm I found that most unusual, but there it was.
AmericanLola - your point is quite interesting since it tends to give a plasible pattern of behaviour, you mentioned that the more you are out of the U.S.A. the more you do not miss it.
The freind I told you about who travels all around, constructing things, says the same, the more he is out of UK, the less he misses it, in fact he told me when he comes back he feels like a foreigner ! how about that.
Lets be pragmatic about the whole thing, we might think we will get on with it and not look behind, if I am truthful with you all, I am not convinced that secretly there will not be times when we look Westwards ! if thats the right phrase, you might think this is funny, but all the time I was out in the Philippines, I was wondering what was going on back at the company !
Laugh if you wish, its true, I was itching to give my colleagues a call and find out how our company was doing, what were the business stats, how were sales doing, what was market volatility like ? my wife said to me “Will you please relax” hahaha she kows me better, sometimes its so hard to relax when you are in a full time career, there will be some of you on this blog, that might have an element of sympathy here.
I have a freind also who’s wife is from Philippines, he works all the hours that is available, his car and blackberry are the centre of his life, she complains complains and more about time he does not give her, when he is in Philippines, he cannot relax, he is constantly on blackberry or other device communciating back to the market hahahaha, thats him.
Does he look behind, all the time I can tell you, maybe its not the best example in the world, because if he was living in Philippines maybe he would have cut his ties with his career, and would not be looking back, but knowing him as I do, he will find some reason to look back.
If we really examine ourselves, and be totally honest, there will be times when you pause for thought, and look back at the life you left behind, and it doesn mean you have failed if you do this, you might have made a total success of your transition to the Philippines, anyway, we all know that success means different things to different people…
Thanks for the comments I hope there is more to come.
Actually I was gone a few days as my wife and I went to visit some friends in Cebu. We stayed at the Waterfront hotel, played in the casino most every night (won P15,000, woohoo!) and had a grand time shopping for stuff you can’t find down here in Davao (Cholula hot sauce, best for tacos, pizza and lechon manok). Hey Bob my wife and I are still waiting for the dinner you promised us at our wedding
honestly I know you’re busy and so am I. I will be gone from Sept 9th to the 25th on a trip back to the states to take care of some last bit of my mom’s estate. Then we get to apply for the home loan through BPI (happy, happy, joy, joy). Someone else on here mentioned reverse culture shock when you go home, that is definately one thing I am not looking forward to.
No worries, Louis. I am even younger than you and I not once did I think it a hindrance. We all have much to learn regardless of age.
Hi Pete,
I may not be your target reader since I am Filipino. If I may say, I am in the same boat as American Lola. The longer I am away, the less I look back. From my experience, my friends and relatives are stuck in a time warp in my memories, as I in theirs I’m sure. We all grow and become different people and it is sometimes a minor chore to relate to each other when meeting up again. There are exceptions, of course.
When I first moved to the US in 1997, I always counted the days when I could return home. I was a loyal Davao boy. I had the opportunity to study in Manila like everyone in my family, being the only one who hung on to Davao soil during my college years. Now, I don’t look back as often. My occasional trips home allowed me to see how much I’ve changed.
I believe travel and living in foreign lands changes a person in remarkable ways. I would have a tough time holding a conversation with 1997 Macky. We may come to blows … that punk
The reluctant wife concept is not as common as you think. I used to be the one who wanted to return asap and live in Davao (my work allows me this convenience) but my wife ,also a Dabawenya, could not imagine returning and settling there. It seemed like a step back for her. Nowadays, we both feel the same way, that there is more to see in the world and Davao will always be there when needed (either for vacation or moving back).
I used to feel like the “outsider” but like Bob, that is no longer the case.
Another big reason why it is now so much easier to cope is technology. IM’s, the web, texting (a necessity for Pinoys) and low cost phone plans are so much more convenient than in the 90s. I sometimes go 5 plus years without meeting up with a friend, but it would only seem like months because of the communication choices we have now.
But every time a new arrival shows up in the States. That Filipino friend just settling in. I sometimes can see myself in them and I’m always curious of the changes in them after a few short years.
Hi Pete- Like you I sometimes wonder what staying full time in the Philippines will hold for me. Unlike you though I will be 62 years old when I retire to live in the Philippines and put my working life behind me and let the younger generation take on the responsibilities of running a company. I’m sure I will miss the routine of doing certain things at certain times as would an old dog if its master stopped taking it for a walk twice a day.
I will if I let it also miss the best bits about living in the UK but I also know that if I get that morbid I can get on a plane and be home within a day should I want to. On the other hand being a Scot I then think of the cost and I say to myself life’s not that morbid after all. The point I wish to make is its normal to miss what you have always known, be it close relatives, true friends, your local town or city or favorite food or pub. I had this experience whilst living and working in Nigeria and like American Lola said, “time takes away the yearning for most things”.
What helps tremendously with settling in a new place and I mean any place is making new friends and having a good social interaction. I don’t mean living on each others door step but just being there for each other when the need arises. Being familiar with your surroundings and getting out and about also helps but most of all being content with ones life and not constantly looking for greener grass helps also.
Hi Louis - We will do dinner, I promise you that! Right now, my Mom is visiting, and I really need to devote my time to her, so probably after your return from the States!
Good luck with your trip.
Yeah sure thing, tell your mom hi from me and Venice. We’ll have to let you look at the wedding video too if you want to, after all you and Feyma were a part of it.
Hi Pete
I left home to work abroad in 1970. I cannot say that I missed the cold and rain of Ireland, but I certainly missed the craic. I was working with an Irish firm in South Africa and there were plenty of us to keep the spirit alive, That I suppose broke me into working away, then slowey but surely the group grew smaller. I still work with one or two Irish lads and I cannot say that I miss Ireland so much that I feel homesick or that I need to return to make sure that theres still water in the river Lee or anything like that. Now that I have settled in Philippines, I love it there and I could not imagine going back to Ireland to resettle there again.
I’ll miss shoveling the snow as the snow driven wind whips it in my face and turns my nose into a froozen apendage. I’ll miss sliding down my driveway across the road in my car and into my neighbors yard only to dig my way out for 2 hours at 5 am. I’ll sincerely miss that froozen patch of ice hidden under a dusting of snow as I vault upwards horizontally moments before I re-discover newtons laws of gravity. Aaahhhhh yes those are the days my friends….and believe me whan I say…sometimes I thought they would never end !!
Good on ya Brian, brilliant
Hi Rick, and everyone,
Thanks Rick, yep, I know what you mean, we are townies too, but we wanted a complete change. The farm lot, isnt really a farm, it is only small, around 2,000 sq mtrs, and there are 2 houses on it already, (bamboo rest house, and a nipa hut ), but there is enough room to build a nice house too.
Manila is too manic for me, but Myrna spent a lot of her life there, so, I will be ok, but I think Myrna will feel the need to go there, once in a while.
I can stand manila, for a day, then I need to get out, smell some fresh air,unwind, and enjoy the space….hehehe
Hi Pete,
There is nothing here for us now, and I want to get Myrna, and James settled, ” back home “, I hope I have thought everything out correctly, there is nothing like preperation, is there?
Now, I am in the process of getting te house ready for sale, so things are progressing nicely, once that happens, I can start to unwind, and really think about the move.
Ian
lol thanks Jack .
I also live in the Philippines now .
When I look at the life I left behind in the UK it only serves as an instant reminder of why I came here in the first place!!
However I also remember when I first left England to live abroard .(80`s)
I was younger then and things then were much harder for me in regards missing family,friends,Marmite a decent pint, roast dinners etc etc.
Im not sure what changed since then and why these things no longer bother me?
My British children however have a different attitude to missing things British.
Now that could be a problem!
i am now living in davao and so far i can’t tell what i really missed back home i like it here, i have cockfighting birds and i am busy taking care of them everyday so that until now i don’t know what really i missed as of this time, i think the food but it’s okay i left england last 2006 maybe next year i can tell more…