Sunday, December 9, 2007
The skill of living together
“Pakikisama” is the Filipino term for smooth human relations. It means to have the skill, get along well and develop cohesion, communal spirit and comradeship. These strive after skills Filipinos do learn from earliest childhood on. Pakikisama demands putting aside our individuality, and, as some critics told me, also “killing of individual characteristics”.
There is a saying, that if a foreigner marries a Filipina (or a Filipino), you marry also the whole family. In other words: reasons enough for many misunderstandings, misinterpretations and conflicts in marriage life, especially, if the couple decides to move to the Philippines
I would be very interested about your opinions and comments, because I pretty sure, many foreigners all around the globe, married to Filipina are willing to stay in the Philippines, but are getting indecisive because of it. I can tell you, it’s a big step and needs a lot of understanding and the readiness of the Filipina wife to make some important decisions.
So let’s share our ideas and comments…
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Philippine-German Relations (XVII)Giving while living
Boon or Bane? Part II
Is Davao City cultural fallow field?
My Personal Testimony (II) - or…
Live in the Philippines…
Loving animals is worth living…
Lazy summer days
Give moral and human values a try!
A closer look, please!
# 1 RichardInSC said:
That’s interesting. Bob has written about this (and so has Feyma) and how they’ve managed to deal with it. I heard many stories that this causes a lot of breakups in marriages between filipinas and western men. I’m sure it depends a lot on the expectations that are set going into the marriage. If you are a western man, this level of family attachment is probably very intense and somewhat uncomfortable. If you are a filipina, then you probably expect your husband to fully assimilate and contribute to your families. Finding a happy medium in between has got to be a major hurdle in an otherwise happy marriage. I hope this post generates some feedback, as I think this is a very good topic.
# 2 Feyma said:
Hi Klaus - Yeah RichardInSC was right I wrote about this similar topic awhile back. in our experience it was hard for us to live near my family. We felt we have no privacy. Don’t take me wrong I love them, just sometimes we want some space. Having lived in the States for 10 years I’m used to it already living just me, Bob and our kids. When we moved here as if theirs not a day that its just us in the house. We moved over 5 years ago now here in Davao. I like it because its a distance away from my family. If ever we want to see them its not that far away. Just a bus a 3 hour plus bus ride away. Honestly now being lived here in the Philippines for over 7 years, I am used to it that we have some people that lived with us. My people are really a big help for me and Bob here. Living with us are some of my nieces that work for us.
Really its just need some adjustments between husband and wife and a commitments. Also some talking with the family for them to understands. It’s not an easy adjustments. It almost wreck our marriage too.
# 3 Klaus said:
Hi RichardInSC and Feyma, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think, I am lucky to stay here in Davao City together with some family members. But we are living in different houses. Even this was difficult at the beginning. But now each one of us is able to live his own life, but we “are together”. Also the adjustments between husband and wife AND the family took time and wrecked the marriage life. Richard, you are right, also we observed a lot of break ups, because not every couple can manage it. Also I had a total different life with my wife in Germany…
# 4 Harvey Whitfield said:
Hello Klaus,
This is topic is routinely discussed in my household. Wife wants to live not only in the same city but on the very land owned by her family. Nothing against her family for they are very nice people, but there is no way that I can live in that close proximity. Living in the US, and all of the experiences encountered to include “how we live”, I believe, helps my argument about residing so close to the family. Regardless, there will be ” give and take” from both of us when the time comes.
Regards
# 5 Klaus said:
Hi Harvey, interesting. Our (big) family now lives at several places in Mindanao (but also US and Australia). We have practice the same: “How we lived in Germany and how we would like to live in the Philippines”. It worked. Give and take is our daily life living together in different houses in one compound with very close relatives. But each family of them is going its own way, earn itself for its daily needs and pay its bills. If I don’t go on tour, I can work at home in main office and nobody will disturb. Maybe I am very lucky guy…