Common Myths about Marriage
Our whole life consists of innumerable fabulous and non-existing parts. we all carry myths into our life and bring our share of unrealistic expectations taught and shaped by education, media, church, and culture, our parents and friends. And? We all experienced it in different situations: suddenly these dreams give way to unhappy nights and realistic mornings. Marriage, for example, loses it glow and ardor. Which sets in? Sure: foil, frustration, disillusionment, misantrophy, and cynicism become main parts of life.
Actually I got the idea to write this post ALSO and ESPECIALLY regarding interracial marriages - like Philippinas (Philippinos) and aliens. No matter, where they are living - here in the Philippines or still abroad… .
Husbands and wives start thinking they have made a big mistake and married the wrong partner. Some become fidgety and uncertain and look for another, maybe ‘very special someone’, who might fulfil their faded hopes and uncertain dreams. Others than risk the temptation to look outside of the relationship for fulfilment, looking forward gradually deaden their hearts and deny the desire of something new and more. bearing with patience becomes the goal of life. The dream of enjoyment fades into a faint glimmer of the past.
“Finally I got someone at my side who will meet my needs!” How many times we have these outspoken thoughts in mind? This myth comes out of a self-centered preoccupation with a terrible egoistic touch. Didn’t we forget that marriage and every kind of dual partnership should view as ‘we-relation” and not as ‘me-relation”? This myth explodes with the realization that a healthy partnership needs two understanding people, who are committed to be there for each other. there shouldn’t be two individuals seeking for self-fulfilment.
“Things will get easier now that I have someone to share the load!” While financially that might be true in many, many cases, but the two people combination adds up a mix of mystery and madness, full of different expectations, experiences and backgrounds. If the honeymoon is over, and the dark clouds of our daily life erase the pink tinted illusions, must we face such things as: “Why is there a scratch on the side of my car (in our marriage life?)? - Why must we discuss topics like money, sex, in-laws (in the Philippines and abroad), friends, weight and such things?” Yeah, WHY NOT??? My wife and I celebrated our Silver Wedding Anniversary last March - and we discuss such things up to now. Believe me, it works and it makes life easier, especially as an ex pat here in the Philippines.
“If a marriage is good, it just happens - like marriage!” Rose and I heard this many times and very often. Wow, how terrible. Painful choices and work are not belonging to a healthy (martial) partnership. Instead, if they have to work at their marriage, then SOMETHING must not be quiet kosher. And? I bet with you, this SOMETHING becomes SOMEONE: someone who must be controlled or changed, or much better replaced… .
“And they both lived happily ever after!” I was honoured and blessed to become a ninong (Godfather) in several (most interracial) weddings here in the Philippines. I am looking forward a new one this coming Saturday. And they both lived happily ever after… this last term is probably the most common, and the most deadly postscript of every wedding. Happily married demands a lifetime joyful marriage life without problems and trials. let’s realize in mind that time always reveals that unrealistic dreams are unreasonable. It’s impossible that my spouse will always make me happy and vice versus - even it looks like for many people.
Marriage or a partnership is probably the most delightful and demanding of all human relationships.
Or what do you think?
Hi Klaus:
I do not have time to write a long response now, but will try to stop back later to do so. However I wanted to take the time to tell you that in IMHO that is the single best article that you have written here!!!!!
And it not a 50 - 50 thing eather … You have to give 100 percent from both to really have a good marriage …second thoughts and what ifs are no- no
’s …Phil R.
Hi Wayne A. derby, thanks for your kind words. I am looking forward to read your comment…
Hi Phil R, thanks too. After reading your comment i must really strongly agree with you…
Hmm. One myth about any marriage is that it’s a love story, a happily-ever-after romantic movie. It’s not. Love is a decision, not just a feeling.
Belated Happy Silver Wedding Anniversary to you, Klaus and Rose!
Wow, you both have celebrated a milestone in your life.
.
Your views and sentiments about marriage are that of a mature person who has lived 25 years of it… and still counting to the next golden anniversary
On this topic Klaus, I am reminded of the poet/artist Khalil Gibran, whose thoughts about marriage I can relate with. However, I cannot hope to do justice paraphrasing his wisdom on “Marriage” expressed in his book “The Prophet”, with so much beauty and eloquence. Thus, please allow me to quote below some of my favorite lines:
x x x
“But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.”
Klaus
I have to agree with you on many of the points but I also would add that the happiness or unhappiness of a person’s parents marriage can have an effect on your own if you allow it. Many people see their parents in unhappy marriages and just continue the chain. It’s like child abuse you have to break the chain smetimes.
Hi Migs, I agree with you, of course IT IS a decision…
Hi I. M. Schneider, thanks for your comment and your congratulations. sure, We are looking forward our next 25 years.
Thank you also for the nice Gibran quotation. Regarding “let space in the togetherness”: it’s very true and it’s also a good reason why Rose and I are still a lucky and happy couple. Of course, we, and not only we are different persons, that’s why OF COURSE the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each others shadow… 
Hi Dan Mihaliak, thank you for your very important comment. Let me add these very personal memories: My parents got divorced, because “he” left us and lived together with “his girlfriend”. When Rose and I got married and we moved together to Germany, we agreed both, that, what ever problems in our marriage life might appear, THAT THIS WILL NEVER HAPPENED TO US. So it was. It was indeed child abuse for me, but we broke the chain…
Hey Klaus! I liked the part about self fulfillment. A strong person in most cases might not need that but so many of us are not that way so we must work through the desire to be fulfilled. I wish that just the sharing of information on living good would sink in to all the troubled individuals fix their troubles me included! good luck Klaus! thanks also.
Hi John, thanks for your meaningful comment. I wasn’t such a strong person before, as you mention it in your first sentence. Everything can be learned. And as Bob posted in one of his earlier articles: even being married - the sweet temptation is always there at any corner. Bob described as one of the dislikes of experiences living in the Philippines. I would agree with him. But he is as fortune with his wife Feyma as me with my wife Rose. John, I also wish you good luck…
Hello Klaus,
Most marriage in this day and age are failing due communication ,or should I say the lack of communication.It is of vital importance to continue to have a dialogue with your love one on a daily basis.Communication must continue throughout the marriage.Couples must learn from one another ,taking the time to share their thoughts and feelings.Seemingly , the only type of dialogue in many marriage is arguing.This is not IMHO ,communicating as nothing productive ever comes out of this and it should be avoided like a plague at all cost. I have learned from my trial and error that it is almost always beneficial to refrain from saying something hurtful that I know I may regret later.This is an essential ingredient for marriage to move forward in unity and harmony.
Lastly ,my twenty years of marriage isn’t perfect, but it has taught me a very important lesson and that it is a work in progress,continually in need of finetuning .I try very hard in not allowing a day pass without devoting some time to my significant other.Sometime,women just want to talk and that’s fine.I see it as a way to continually build relationship with my best friend.Well so far it working. Have a nice day Klaus..
Excellent topic, Klaus! Interracial marriages can have a lot of advantage from learning a new culture, new philosophy, new environment, to the beautiful children the couples produce. The only disadvantage I see in it is when either one of them is unwilling to adapt all of these “newness” and somewhat set in their own traditional ways.
It is no accident that in my practice, we also call “the house of relationship/ partnership” the house of open enemies – a department in our lives where we are asked to reach out others, compromise and negotiate, in order to obtain peace and harmony.
Be well..
Marcelina
Hi Julius, thanks for stopping by. You are very right. I mentioned your topic ‘communication’ already in one of my earlier write ups. I agree with you strongly, and I can tell, that sometimes my wife and I talk and talk and talk without getting tired. But, every problem has been voiced out - and solved… Good luck to you too Julius and stay safe…
Hi Marcelina, again thanks a lot for dropping by and by sharing your important thoughts with us. of course, you are right: both sides should adopt things from the other side without leaving the own identity. For Rose and I it was a great challenge, but I can say, we managed it. God bless you and your family…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KLAUS! May this month brings you luck. Have a blessed Sunday!
Hi Cidy, you are mentioning again a very important point; weakness. it’s very true. Thank you very much. And of course, thanks a lot for your birthday greetings. yeah, i turned 55 today…
G’day Klaus,
Marriage is a relationship really that both need to look at each other as equal…and right to say …My equal partner…whatever the culture differences.age.etc..each still had different personality..differences that both needs to accept …and respect..no matter how long the marriage going on..it does exist..it is one of the ingredients that makes the relationship flourish.. a relationship that keeps up growing everyday…and I am glad to to see this exist to You and Rose
Belated Happy.Silver Anniversary…Wishing You and Rose the best of everything….
Hi Jocelyn, thanks for stopping by. Indeed you are right: equal, no matter to which culture you belong to. A relationship grows every day, also if I check mine with Rose. Thanks for you anniversary greetings. Also for you all the best…
Hi Cezyyyy, thank you so very much for your nice comment and your opinion. I am glad your enjoy reading LiP…