A Filipino Jealousy
A dictionary definition of the word ‘jealousy’ is the “mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.” In the American Heritage Dictionary, jealousy means “close vigilance”; in Webster’s Revised Unabridged, it is an “earnest concern or solicitude.”
Tie all these together and what do you have? An oft-stereotyped behavior in Filipino relationships.
I say it not because I believe it, but because I’ve heard of it, countless times, from university sociologists and from Westerners with brown-skinned girlfriends (or boyfriends). Apparently, Filipinos are very hot – hot, that is, in blood. “In no other country,” a Caucasian friend observed, “have I witnessed people going such great lengths to confirm their jealous suspicions – checking a lover’s cell phone on the sly, sifting through the other’s private E-mail.”
I’d be none the more patriotic for saying this, but I suppose there’s something in my friend’s observation which rings painfully true. Just read the papers. On the front page, players in the political arena are bringing each other down, and officials are matched against others in fierce power rivalries. In the showbiz and entertainment section, celebrity romances are sensationalised by introducing infidelity rumors: break up, make up, break up again. And stories from the metro beat writers often report a homicide in this barangay and that, carried out by an otherwise good-natured husband in a drunken fit of jealousy. Wives, too; one of the craziest headlines I’ve ever read was about a woman who castrated her philandering partner.
This is not to say that Filipinos are inherently murderous monogamists. It’s just that most of us like to, uh – well, express “earnest concern”. Hence, the publicity blitz on Ruffa Gutierrez’s divorce. And eunuchs. Whether suspicions are warranted or unfounded is beside the point. Jealousy has its case-by-case origins, but the question here is: does it have a locale? Is it a weakness of the Filipino character?
In a country that is predominantly Roman Catholic and with a soap opera culture that glamorizes love forevermore, we have learned to find security in faith and loyalty – and fear the most minor departure from this norm. In the close-knit setting of family and Filipino domesticity we’ve nurtured a great anxiety over abandonment. And in a tradition where love may exist without jealousy but rarely the other way around, we live to love the best way – perhaps the only way – we know how.
So don’t be surprised if you happen to have a Pinoy or Pinay sweetheart who cares for you hotly, uneasily, vigilantly. Instead be kind and thankful. In the dictionary of the Filipino, jealousy is the most maligned form of flattery.
It is one of the things that makes it great to live in this country but you have to accept it at the culture or it will blow our western brains.
I have many times left my phone on side as i go to the toilet you guessed it the whole sim card is memorised.
Recently I left my pc open and all my sent files were read.
The best one yet was i sent a screenshot to a friend of a mutual friend only to find that he had blown it up to full magnification and was reading the personal items in the background!!!
Migs as the author do you suffer the same jealousy?
Hi John: I’m sorry that you had to experience all that. As for me, I am normally not the jealous sort of person, but as a writer I tend to be very - uh, “investigative”.
Yet another excellent article from Migs Basig.
Yes it is true that Filipino women are very jelous. My girlfriend of 5 months keep ringing me at strange hours of day and night just to see if any women will answer the phone. I have to be always on my quard. But I really love her for that. I feel wanted.
Hi Markus: Thank you kindly for your words. I can’t disagree with you. While jealousy might be an annoying insecurity issue, it can also have something to do with how genuinely a person loves another.
Cheers!
Great writing Migs, I love it! My favorite line, ” It’s just that most of us like to, uh – well, express “earnest concern”.’
I think jealousy is universal but in other cultures it is kind of embarrassing and people tend to deny jealous feelings as signs of insecurity (which it is) and ‘control issues’ (which it also is). Here, it is openly acknowledged and even defined as an evidence of true love. A jealous person may have sound reasons for not believing they are the ‘one and only.’ But jealousy can also kill love when one is basically called a liar and mistrusted even when he is indeed sincere and trustworthy. In 1 Corinthians 13, which has an excellent definition of what love should look like, it says, “love is not jealous.” So I would hesitate to use this as evidence of real love, Filipino or not.
Hi American Lola: Thank you for your kind words, and for your insightful comment. Indeed, most Filipinos tend to justify jealousy as part of love, but I don’t think it’s a very healthy feeling. Trust matters most of all. As a Filipino, I’m learning not to be so jealous and too imaginative.
Thank you again! I shall take your words as advice!
Hi Migs, Filipino jealousy doesn’t exist only with couples.It does also shows in business and social events…For so many times my hubby happened to experience with this,to our society in business…Showing control over his decision to whom to make business with ..they forgot that at the end of the day..It is his own decision yhat counts …
Even in drinking session..just to be acknowledge that they got western mate, expectation goes, that he’ll only be stick and exist for them.. ,,I’m glad my hubby knows how to handle the situation…for so many years living here..He learned how to deal with it..
Hi Jocelyn: That’s quite an interesting observation! Yes, I think jealousy exists, too, in politics, business, and social gatherings. Isn’t that why we have what’s called the “crab mentality”? Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.
Cheers!
Hi Migs, good article. And, I would agree with Jocelyn: Jealousy is everywhere. I also experienced this also many times, especially being successful ins business or during social events etc. or even among ex pat friends. Meanwhile I adjusted life here and I just ‘left those people alone’. It’s then good to stay on own feet. Regarding partner jealousy; this is more or less a global topic. I wouldn’t say, that Filipinos are more jealous then Germans. of course, jealousy is a part of love, but it can become a very big burden.
Thank you, Klaus. You are so very right; it is a huge burden, just as much on the beloved as on the lover, to be the object of jealousy. No matter who you’re with, a local or an expat. It’s much better off for one to be secure in trust and honesty.
Cheers and have a good day!
Hi Migs,
A very interesting topic, indeed! I believe jealousy boils down to the lack of self confidence, thus, become insecure. I thought I was the jealous type when I was younger but then learned to overcome the feelings as I accomplished success in life over the years and of course, as I knew more and more about God’s words and teachings(being older and away from home, I became more religious!)
I agree with Jocelyn and Klaus about jealousy in social events and even church events, in my case. It’s unfortunate that some of our kababayans abroad tend to size you up based on the type of car you drive, dimension of your house, what you do for a living and the jewelries you have on your body. Filipinos will be actively involved in charity and fundraising events but then will start critizing those who have successfully led various projects rather than just work together. They’re envious and yet they’re not even willing or able to take over the tasks.
Sorry for venting! It’s just very frustrating and at times, embarassing for other non-Filipinos who are taking part in the projects. Just as you mentioned, the “crab mentality” is still being practiced. That should have been left at home and instead, adapt to the ways of the new culture they chose to live in
Thank you. Now I feel a bit better!
Hi Veechee: Thank you for such an insightful comment. I didn’t know that there could be jealousy even in church events. I do hope it’s not the kind wherein you are judged based on what you drive, or what you’re wearing, or who you’re with. But is it common everywhere? Or just among Filipinos? It’s hard to tell. In any case, it can be frustrating indeed.
Thanks so much for dropping by!
Migs
I think (to attempt to answer your question) that the same basis for the jealous feelings exist in all cultures, but perhaps in Philippine culture here in 2008, there is so much at stake in these relationships, like #3 Marcus says his girlfriend has invested a big and maybe huge hopes for their future together, makes the jealousy seem more intense here.
Perhaps in other cultures, there is just not the intense pressures that can exist here….just fishing a bit for the answer really
Hi Rick: I totally agree with you. Jealousy seems to be more likely whenever there are big risks and investments involved. But where would anyone be without risk-taking? Love and relationships always require an investment, I think. Regardless of whether one is with a Filipino or not.
Cheers!