Remember, last week I wrote an article entitled “Bon Voyage” and I told you about the fact that a lot of expats are leaving the Philippines right now, most of them are headed back home? Well, at the end of last week, I found out about another expat friend of mine who recently left the Philippines too. Unfortunately, though, he left the Philippines in a completely different way than you might expect.
I was not close with this fellow, but his name was Toby Gorden. Toby was from Australia, and I met him a few years ago for the first time. I was introduced to Toby by another Australian friend that I have known for a long, long time, Leon. Leon came here about 3 years ago, as I recall, after having known each other for 15 or more years. Leon had been to the Philippines before, but not to Mindanao. He was wanting to have work done on his teeth, and he decided to come visit me, since we had not met, only knew each other over the Internet. I knew a dentist here who could help him out and do a good job, so the trip was really a perfect chance for Leon to get his dental work done for a great price, and we also had the chance to meet for the first time in person.
Leon’s trip went well, so he recommended the dentist to Toby back in Australia, who also needed some work done. Leon asked me to get together with Toby and help him while he was in Davao, as it was his first time to visit the Philippines. During his trip, Toby met a lady, they fell in love, and in the long run Toby and the lady were married. Toby decided rather quickly that he was going to move to the Philippines to live with his wife here. So, as it turned out, Toby settled in Butuan City, in Northern Mindanao, the Caraga Region.
Over the years, both in my communications with Toby, and by hearing from other expats, I learned that Toby was very unhappy here in the Philippines. In my article last week, I pointed out a number of reasons why many expats become unhappy here, and things that cause them to move back to where they came from. Let’s have a little review and see how these things affected Toby.
- Financial – Toby was on a limited budget from his pension from his work days back in Australia. It always seemed that money was tight for Toby. In fact, I got one e-mail from him one time where he was really complaining about how expensive the Philippines was. In fact, he claimed to me that it cost nearly twice as much to live here as it did in Australia. He gave examples of products that were at least double the price here. Problem was, Toby was trying to buy all the same products that he used in Australia, imported stuff. Local products, which he refused to use, were way cheaper.
- Culture – Toby seemed to hate the culture here, and he made no attempt to understand it or adjust to it. In fact, by listening to him, it seemed that he came to hate Filipinos. Why did he decide to live here, then? I have no idea.
- Loneliness – My understanding is that Toby became very lonely, and spent a lot of time alone. I have been told that a lot of other expats didn’t like to hang around with him because his attitude was just so negative due to his unhappiness here. Even some long time friends of Toby abandoned him and didn’t speak with him any more. Since Toby didn’t seem to like Filipinos, well, that left him pretty lonely, I’d say.
- Climate – I don’t know of any problems that Toby had with the climate, nor do I believe that this had any impact on him, to my knowledge.
- Language – Toby made no effort to learn the local language where he lived. I have heard from some people who were close to him that Toby would really come unglued when people would not speak English.
I got an e-mail last week from Toby’s wife. She was writing to inform me that Toby had died. She did not elaborate on the cause of his death, and I wondered what the cause of death was, because from what I could observe, Toby was healthy. Last night, I got a bit of a shock when I got an e-mail from a mutual friend, and he pointed me to an article on the GMA News website. According to the article, Toby had committed suicide last week. I was shocked. But, as I thought about it, the shock wore off and I realized that I should not have really been surprised much, because Toby was very sad, lonely and depressed in the Philippines. Living here is not for all of us, and Toby’s suicide proves that to be true.
I have really been sad since learning of Toby’s suicide. Although Toby and I were not so close, I did consider him a friend, and I have never had a friend commit suicide before. Like I said, it really saddened me, because I would have hoped that Toby would have reached out to somebody, either me or somebody that he was closer to, so that he could talk through his feelings.
According to the article, Toby left a suicide note, and in it he said that he felt he had been abandoned by most of his loved ones in Australia. I suspect that he also felt abandoned by his expat friends too, because as I stated earlier, most expats who knew him had sort of kept a distance from Toby, because of his bad attitude. I always felt that Toby was a nice guy, happy fellow, and such, but when he moved to the Philippines he lost that quality, and it eventually led to his suicide.
I know I’ve already said this, but I feel sad today, thinking about Toby. Suicide is not something that I have had to deal with before, and I don’t like the experience of having to see a friend go through what happened with him. It does make me think twice, though, and makes me want to ask all of you this:
Are you really sure that living in the Philippines is for you?
Make sure that it is. Don’t burn your bridges, in case it doesn’t work out. Always keep an option to return to where you came from, in case the depression sets in for you too. There is no shame in returning to where you came from and saying things didn’t work out for you here. It’s better than the alternative. Also, remember, if you want to stick it out here and become happy here, you will have to go through tough emotions, hard adjustments and such. I know, because I did it. I also have witnessed others who have gone through the same things, even though they told me it would never happen to them. Truth is, it happens to all of us. Adjusting to life in the Philippines is not easy. This is not paradise, no matter what you think.
I am not saying that it is not worth it. I love living here, and I would not even consider going back, but it took time for me to come to that opinion. While I have never considered suicide, there have been times when going back to the States crossed my mind. I’m glad that I am past that now. I am also glad that I have done what I needed to do to adjust to life here and to be happy with the life here.
Rest in peace, Toby. I hope you have found your happiness again.
This is truly sad.
Maybe it is also a good reason to recommend that part of the plan include enough money kept someplace so that you could return home if you need to. It sounds like he was stuck here, and that is not a good thing. Things always seem less bleak if you know you can always leave if you need to.
Hi AmericanLola – Indeed, it is a very sad story. I was surprised at how it affected me, because while I considered Toby a friend, I was not really very close to him. When I heard it was suicide, my heart really ached for him. Can you imagine how trapped he must have felt to take that action?
As AmericanLola suggests, an exit strategy is always a good thing. I think that the Philippines can be an enticing place for many folks, particularly men, so they suspend their critical thinking skills. There are so many challenges with living within another culture, even moreso when it is a developing country. Think carefully, folks!
Hi Tom – Yes, I believe you are right, as is AmericanLola, about an exit strategy. At least for your early years of living here. And, you are 100% correct that for many men, critical thinking goes out the window.
That is a sad story. Without question the Philippines is not an easy place and without a support system it can close in on you. A lot of this has to do with where you live as well. I read some on this board live in fairly out of the way places. I could never handle that and would surely become a psycopath if I’m not one already LOL. This is another reason I chose Dumaguete to stay now as it has over 4000 expats (good support system), is a charming place, many quality hospitals and schools, has reasonably priced real estate as compared to other places, (we just found a gorgeous overlooking lot for 50P sqm, nice local people who are use to our presence and make us feel at home. And so much more. Bottom line is you can find most everything you need here or 3 hours away is Cebu where really most everything exists. There are sports activities, cultural activities and most things you will find in some of the bigger cities. It is so amazingly liveable and unlike any place I have been over 30 years visiting the Philippines. So if any of you closet depressed people need a shot in the arm and not the head come visit here. Bob you too if you have not done so already would find Dumaguete and excellent place to write an article on and just have a little holiday. So completely differerent than Davao and we have excellent 3G and DSL uninterrupted internet access LOL.
P.S. If you are staying where you are because that is where your wife is from but you are not happy. MOVE!!!! She will be happy anywhere she goes in the country.
Hi Richard – Having 4,000 expats is not necessarily an attraction to me… but to each his own. 😆
I have to say, though, that I pretty much agree with your PS. Living near the family is not easy. Been there. Done that. Moved.
Hi Bob;
I wish Toby had chosen a better option, or had that exit strategy as suggested by American Lola. And I’m sorry he felt that was the only way out.
I told you about the Retired Air Force guy up the road from me, that went back to the States last year, he was on the same road, except he was drinking from the time he woke up until he passed out. He hated every second here. It was his first time out of the U.S.A. and only lasted 3 years, before he sold his new house at a loss and boarded his plane back to Nevada. He made no attempt to try and fit in, and fought the Philippines every step of the way. I was at a point where I could not be around him, as all that spouted from his lips was negativity and hate speak. I hope others, who are reading LIP and planning their move, will glean some knowledge of all that’s required to make such a life altering move.
Hi Paul – I believe that three of your words sums up the whole situation. When you said:
you said it all. A person must be ready to change his life if he wants to live a happy life here. If you are unwilling to alter the way you live, you will be unhappy here, you will fight against the Philippines with every drop of sweat that you have. You will accomplish nothing, other than frustrating yourself, and end up hurting yourself in some way, perhaps to the point that Toby did. That is a no-win situation all the way.
I hope your Air Force friend found happiness when he went back to the States, Paul. Did you have to give him directions to the airport? 😆
Bob;
Part of his asking price for his house was a Business Class ticket to Las Vegas, and a ride to the Airport. His neighbors had a party the next day.
Hi Paul – Ha ha… a ride to the airport is a good thing! 😆
Interesting and sad. You’ll recall, Bob, that only a month or so ago we talked about an American fellow you knew from online and I had met personally who lived here in my area.
He had died a while back, without my knowledge .. and his death may well have been a suicide. It strikes home hard, certainly does.
I can’t overemphasize the importance of attitude if a person wants to live here. or even live to a ripe old age in the US, Australia, etc.. Those who haven’t read my post on living to be 100 here might want to … http://philfaqs.com/live-there/medical/live-to-be-100-in-the-philippines-can-it-be-done/ (I don’t often drop links here, but this is life and death).
It has reached the point where I hesitate to even meet up with fellow expats because, overwhelmingly they “hate it here”, they “can’t stand Filipinos”, they are “lonely”, they are continually “broke” … and a favorite I heard from an Australian acquaintance once, “I can’t stand the continual papist Catholicism” … one wonders if he knew anything about the Philippines (one of the most Catholic countries on earth) before he uprooted his family and moved here.
You can be happy or you can be miserable anywhere … but be aware that being continually unhappy will shorten your life for sure.
And if you are unhappy now today in your home country? The chances that moving to the Philippines will make you happy are slim indeed.
I’ve said before that many foreigners I have met are running away from something. In some cases this may be some legal issue, but more often what the expat is running away from is himself.
It won’t work. It’s like trying to defy gravity or stop time … none of us can run that fast.
“Wherever you go, there you are.”
RIP Toby, and Dr. Mike, and all the others who couldn’t find a better way out.
Hi Dave – Oh yes, I had actually forgotten about our previous discussion, so I am glad that you mentioned it. Actually, I didn’t really know Mike, I knew of him by seeing some of his writings online. But, yes, very sad, and some similarities between him and Toby. I agree with you, Dave, moving to the Philippines is not a way to overcome depression, it will actually most likely intensify it.
It’s a real bummer and I feel for Toby’s friends & family, I’m sure there are some feelings of guilt. There are people who commit suicide back home obviously, it’s a sad thing indeed. I wouldn’t be surprised if feelings of isolation are common. I really don’t think you can get inside someone’s head and figure out why, its just a sad thing.
Hi Gary – indeed, it’s a huge bummer. I feel sorry for Toby and his family and friends. It is about as terrible a way to go as you could choose, to take your own life. I can’t imagine the feelings he must have had leading up to his fateful decision.
Hi Bob & Gary – Fellow “clients” in group therapy sessions have many descriptions of what it feels like prior to that fateful decision. All center around “Torment, 24/7.” Depression deprives them of sleep, a will to eat or do much else, and constantly “gets in their mind and won’t let go.” They consider everything when looking for an escape, including the “ultimate” solution.
The “clients” also say that once they’ve made the decision, and prior to carrying it out, they experienced the most serene and enjoyable moments of their life, and knew true serenity was just beyond that final door. (Of course, these “clients” did not fully succeed in their attempt, but spent considerable time recovering physically from near success.)
Hi Paul – Interesting information.
Hi Bob – A familiar tale, unfortunately. We all know someone with such problems or who solved those problems the way Toby did.
I would recommend, as part of a “pre-move check-list” item that the potential immigrant(s) have psychiatric screenings to see if they can handle the potential stresses and anxiety that this huge change in life brings. Most health care providers/insurance policies will provide for outpatient psychiatric work.
To all the Toby’s out there: If you are reading this, and you can identify with the feelings that Toby expressed, even slightly, PLEASE do yourself (and everyone here) a favor and SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. There is no stigma attached to depression; it’s not your fault, and it very well may have a biological cause.
I speak from experience – I suffer from clinical depression and a few other related maladies. I have medications, exercises, routines and a “list of triggers to avoid” specifically prescribed to me, and as long as I follow all, I feel great and am “my old chipper self” again. Stray away, and my world becomes ugly. So, PLEASE take my advice. THANKS.
Hi Paul – Thanks for sharing your advice for expats and those who want to be expats. I think it is important to consider the mental health aspects of making such a move. Living here is not easy, it is very challenging, especially at first. I would really hate for others to end up taking their own lives, so it is an important consideration.
Bob, my first thought when reading this article was the same as Paul’s. We don’t know if Toby was already depressed before his move. And one of the clinical signs of depression is withdrawal from social circles, even from their loved ones. There is a whole gamut of signs and symptoms of depression, and unfortunately some of these are mistaken and excused as eccentricity. I agree with Paul. If you are planning a move to the Phil. have a Psychiatric assessment done, especially if you are already showing signs of depression. Some people might make the move thinking the Philippines will cure them. It won’t if the cause of your depression is chemical imbalance.
Hi Christine – It’s been a while since you commented here! It’s nice to hear from you.
I am not sure if Toby was already having problems before he moved here. No doubt that moving here is not a way of solving such a problem. Truth is it will probably only make such a depression worse. Whatever his problems, Toby’s suicide is something to make other expats wake up, and expat wannabes too. Wake up and decide that if you have such a problem, it’s time to get help.
Hi Bob. Yes it has been awhile. Too busy making a living. 🙂
I bet I missed out on some great articles from you. So am going through them backwards.
I’ve been saving up all of those archives just for you, Christine! I knew you would be back! 😉
Hi Bob,
Very sad. I doubt I could live there but I can understand how he came to move to the Philippines.
You said he was on a pension so money may have been a bit tight in Australia and he most probably was living alone and lonely there maybe already suffering depression. He met a filipina, fell in love and thought that when he had nearly given up hope here was a chance for a new life.
The Philippines can be seductive to a visitor especially one who is short of money because the cost of living does appear ridiculously cheap compared to home and life seems easy for the visitor who is admired if he is white.
Perhaps Toby thought he could start a new life in the Philippines where his pension would stretch a lot further, where he would be part of his wife’s extended family and life would be easier. Remember that in Australia I guess much like other western countries when the older man is alone after divorce etc. most family members are too busy with their own lives and don’t really want to know him and he is alone.
So Toby maybe jumped at his last chance, spent what savings he had then found unfortunately he just couldn’t adapt to the culture and lifestyle there. I can understand him becoming depressed having a choice of being unhappy there or going home with no money, nowhere to live and no prospects.
Ideally he needed counselling there and treatment for his depression but I guess the medical system there is not equipped to treat a depressed kano and he would not have felt comfortable being treated by a filipino. Expats in that stuation are really exposed without support from their friends.
I had a bout of depression when I was in my late thirties after an unpleasant divorce. Prior to that I couldn’t understand it and thought people who had it were mentally weak. I now know how common it is and how it can strike the strongest of people down. Sadly I have experienced knowing men who were friends of my kids or children of friends plus a filipino man who migrated here who have committed suicide. I now always keep a look out for the signs in friends and family and try to offer support when I see changes in behaviour. Luckily recently I was able to go to a old friend’s house and take his gun away from him when he was about to use it.
Lets just hope Toby had some joy in his life in the beginning of his new life before his troubles began.
One additional point. For those who don’t think it applies to them medical research here suggests one in five people will suffer significant depression in their lifetime.
I would have even guessed higher than that, Michael.
yes I would guess higher than 1 in 5 also. The strongest,toughest both physically and mentally guy I ever knew (pro sportsman)… suffered depression for a while… had suicidal thoughts, I kept saying to him the old saying “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”.
Today he can’t believe that he used to have those type of thoughts…. but it can hit anyone.
Hope Toby is in a happier place now.
Hi gerry – Yes, I hope that Toby found a better place now. Depression must be a really terrible thing to drive a man to suicide!
Depression does not discriminate. It will hit the powerful and the weak, rich and poor, the old and believe it or not, even the young. I work as a mental health clinician in Australia, and we see just as much young people (teen-agers) with depression. They usually come to our attention after a suicide attempt.
Hi Michael – The cost of living part of the equation, while it seems to be the number one consideration for many, is really not as it seems. It can actually cost more to live here than other places, if you are not willing to accept local products and such. For somebody trying to buy all imported items and such, they might find that they won’t be able to afford to live in the Philippines!
I agree that Toby needed counseling. Truth is, by my observation, it appeared that Toby was unwilling to change at all, or even try. That is simply a requirement if you are to live in a different country.
I don’t think that the medical system is unwilling or unable to treat or help a westerner, that is not my experience at all. But, things like mental health and depression are not openly talked about here the way they are in the west. It has a stigma to it, and is to be avoided. Probably the way the west was 50 years ago, or a little more.
Hi Bob,
I accept the cost of living is not what it seems but for a visitor and speaking from experience it does seem very very cheap for a meal, accommodation, taxi etc. As you say if you try to live the way you did back home buying western goods etc it would not be so cheap.
I didn’t mean that the medical system would be unwilling to help just that the cultural differences would make it hard for a filipino doctor to relate to Toby’s issues and vice versa.
When I said he needed counselling I meant he needed treatment for his depression not to change his feelings about the Philippines. He needed help to deal with his illness so he could find his way out of his problems without killing himself.
Some big lessons to be learnt from all thinking about moving and putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Hi Michael – Actually, we are agreeing on all cylinders! Ha ha… it might not seem so, but I think we agree on every point. Yes, I did also think that you meant he needed counseling to alleviate his depression, and I agree fully. However, that sort of treatment is hard to find here, very hard.
Hi Bob, I agreed with Michael about the difficulties in seeking help for depression because of trans-cultural issues. It works both ways actually. In Australia, I often find migrants are very hesitant to seek help for mental illness until they get to crisis point, i.e. suicide attempts.
Secondly, I was informed years ago that there are excellent Psychiatrists in Manila who caters for the rich Filipinos and Westerners.
And lastly, interesting comment you made there about the stigma of mental illness. In Australia, some people wear them like a badge. For secondary gains of course. To get off from criminal liabilities for example or to get into the Disability Pension indefinitely.
Hi Christine – Yeah, that’s one of the problems with the Philippines… everything is “in Manila”. Services like Psychiatrists and such are needed in other locations too. There are a few in Davao, but very hard to find!
Yah Bob, that’s the problem-distance. Perhaps there might be some in bigger centers like Cebu? Does anyone know? Might be worth confirming just for information purposes?
Could be, Christine, I am not sure about Cebu. But, Davao is larger than Cebu, and there are only a couple such professionals here in Davao and they are very hard to find. I kind of think Cebu would be similar to Davao, because it is not much smaller than Davao.
Wow, what a sobering article!
Interestingly, I went through severe clinical depression a couple of years after returning from Asia(loss of our child). Something that a Filipino friend of mine & I often chat about is that, while the standard of living in Vancouver is certainly higher than in The RP, the quality of life, for each of us, is lower, working outrageous amounts of overtime & doing the odd off-shore job, just to save for that “rainy-day”.
Aside from the interesting characters I’ve met when in Asia, I find that Filipinos, specifically, balance work with leisure time. When last in The RP, I worked on projects most of the time, yet, could take time off at my own convenience. The chief reason for wanting a sailboat in The RP is that I want to be able to take off to other lands, or away from all lands, when I need a break from the usual.
When last in Davao, I watched an Aussie friend self-destruct, losing his wife & kids and his business, within less than six months, then return to Australia. I watched another friend, from the U.K., lose his business & home and, when I left, he was drinking about 4 to 5 litres of San Miguel each day. I believe that one has to have a very good sense of humour to live within another culture & must recognize when that sense of humour is waning.
Learning the local language, eating the local foods, hanging out with good local people, because you genuinely want to, is imperative for a well-balanced mind. Believe me, if I found myself becoming depressed in Davao, I’d leave. I wouldn’t consider it a failure, either, just a change. There are other interesting places on this big marble.
Mike2
Hi Mike – I am with you, leaving is not a failure, it just means that this is not the right place for you. As you say, there are lots of other places to go and check out! I do think that Toby’s death and the circumstances around it are sobering. Even though I am very happy here, it has made me reevaluate certain aspects of my life, and consider what changes I should make to improve myself and my life here.
Hi bob sory to hear of this poor fellows fate ,the part in yoiur report about being abandoned by his loved ones in australia ,well this is quite possibly true .We australians are a funny bunch we search for happpines all our lives ,we live in the lucky country but by god are we racist i will put my hand up to being guilty of that myself before i woke up .When a man here marrys an asian woman whether it be chinese , tailand ,philipino whatever i have found that people look upon you as some sort of loser who couldnt make the grade with an aussie girl ,this can run from close friends to family members to complete strangers ,i feel that toby may have suffered this fate where he felt that his family in aus had deserted him whether they had or not i dont know this may have led to him as you say hating philipinos or suffering from depression as he cant fit in here and he doesnt fit in there ,all i think he would have wanted to do is make his wife happy and in doing this and moving to the phillipines maybe his family considered he was deserting them asspecially if he had children from previous relationships. When i mentioned to my sister that one day i would like to live in the phillipines she looked at me and said what forever and i said possibly i think she thought that i wasgoing to desert her eventualy btu that is a long way of unless i win lotto hahahahaha anyway bob i am sorry and a bit sad to here of a fellow aussie taking his own life if things are that bad buy a bloody plane ticket and get the hell out of there material possesions dont mean a thing if your dead and they arnt worth dying over
chris
I agree with you totally Chris… if things get bad, the price of a plane ticket will get you home. Probably, though, he wasn’t happy back in Oz either, though, or he would not have moved here. Sad, sad, sad.
Hi Chris, I’m Aussie-Pinay and have lived in Australia for 20 years. I agree with your observations re-Aussies being racist when it comes to Aussie-Pinay marriages. 20 years ago, if an Aussie walks down the street with an Asian woman, she is regarded immediately as mail order bride. One friend had a teen-aged Filipina daughter. Can you imagine the dirty looks she and her Aussie step-dad attracted as they were walking in the shops?- lol!
These days though, Aussies with an Asian woman donot seem to attract that much attention anymore. At least not in the city I lived in.
Hello again Bob,
I had no contact with Toby but it makes me very sad. I not only feel sad about Toby’s unhappiness but I also feel sad for the way that his wife must have suffered. I can’t know for certain but I suspect that she loved him when they were married and that she cared for him at the end. I base this on the simple fact that she notified you of his passing. If she dispised him she would not have bothered to contact you. So sad for Toby but also so sad for his wife and for her family. As you continually point out, don’t be hasty in your decision to relocate to another country and don’t burn your bridges.
Your decision affects not only you but your wife, your children, and her family.
Mez, I, and the children are excited to be visiting Davao again Jan.-June 2011. They will attend Faith Academy 2nd semester.
God Bless,
Dave L.
Hi Dave – Yes, I think that Toby’s wife loved him. She is a nice lady, and I am sure she cared a lot for Toby.
Hi Bob,
Great website and article!
I’m a filipino who has been working in the Middle East for three years. It just strikes me that all the emotions that the expats in the Philippines feel are the same everywhere. Those emotions arise whenever you’re outside your home country or your comfort zone– hate towards the locals, disgust over the culture and whatnot.
As a foreigner in the middle east, I share the same sentiments as the foreigners in the Philippines. The endless bouts of longing for home and nitpicking just about on anything, whenever an opportunity arises. Although, many are disgusted with the way things are in the Philippines, I immensely miss it and I’m looking forward to the day I get to go back home.
I think for these people, they never quite understood the meaning of paradise. Call it cheesy, but it’s not some place you can look for because it’s not where you go, it’s how you feel for a moment in your life.
Wherever you are in the world, it’s important to be at peace with yourself first and have the right attitude, if not, it’s the perfect formula to living a miserable life.
Best of luck to everyone in the Philippines.
Regards,
Dante
Hi Dante – Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think that the kinds of thoughts and feelings that you describe are natural for an expat, at least during the adjustment period.
Best of luck to you, Dante!
Right, Bob!
if I may use your chowking/mcdonald’s predicament as an analogy– The burger comes with fries and coke and you cannot substitute the coke for anything else as it is a package deal. Just the same as moving to a foreign land– the nice beaches come with the culture and the people behind it.
Regards,
Dante
Great analogy, Dante! Whoever thought of that was a genius! 😆
Bob,
Great advice. A co-worker was placed in our office during the busy season. She had emotional problems and didn’t last. She took her life one year later. I felt guilty that I didn’t take more time to talk to her and find a common interest. It might have helped her.
Dave LaBarr made a good comment. His wife is hurting and someone needs to reach out to her.
Hi Jack – I have had similar thoughts about Toby – wishing I had reached out a bit more to him and such. He lived a long distance from me, but perhaps there was something I could have done. It’s not a good feeling.
Hi Jack & Bob – What ever you do, do not assume any guilt for a friend or acquaintance who committed suicide. There was nothing that you could have done that would have prevented it. There may have been a delay caused by your interruption, but the inevitable would only be delayed, not stopped.
Now if you were a mental health care professional in a clinic or a psychiatric ward, you would have had the tools needed to prevent it.
You aren’t, you didn’t so you couldn’t
Remember – a depressed person who has decided to commit suicide is determined to accomplish their task. They pulled away from society, society didn’t abandon them. They thought society abandoned them, but they didn’t reach out and give society another chance.
That’s one of the hard parts about depression for others to understand – the depressed fight it by themselves, thinking their battle is unique and that there is no hope. There really isn’t any convincing by others available, unless it’s in a professional setting and the depressed person either volunteers to seek help or is forced to seek help.
Depressed people are also good actors. You never know how deeply they hurt inside until something such as suicide reveals it. They can keep up appearances to please others while their plans for their end are being fulfilled.
Sorry to sound negative, but I’m not. It’s unfortunate that these things happen, but others have to remember that it is a disease, not a choice. The decision to take one’s own life really isn’t theirs – it is the disease-distorted logic and distorted reality that makes such a step the apparent only method to obtain relief from the torment.
If it makes you feel a little better, I – a person who will always be suffering from clinical depression (and thank God I have medications and other aids) – hereby absolve you of any and all guilt related to those incidents.
Thanks, Paul.
Thanks for the advice Kuya Paul (KP)
Jack When your wife hurt you did not reach out to her. When your children hurt you chose to ignore them
Jack when your wife hurt you did not reach out. When your children hurt you chose to ignore them.
Well said, Dante.
You nailed it, Dante! Well said!
Mike2
Dante!!!
I’m with Mike and JonB, you summed it up clearly and were on target. Well done!
Thanks, Jon, Mike and Paul!
You have 7,107 islands at your disposal (and vast lands across the globe)– it’s all up to you to find your happy place.
Hope you guys have found yours.
Dante
Hi Bob, It is sad about Toby!,
I am looking forward to the adventure of moving to the Philippines. It is interesting to me that some people cannot look forward to different things other than what they are use to.
Is that not part of the reason to move in the first place. New places, foods, cultures, products, Ect.Ect.
If it is so wonderful at home you need to consider staying put.
I think welcoming change is a key element to relocating anywhere in the world.
The Philippines have some of the most welcoming people in the world. The people & there way of life is what attracts me to the Philippines. Not all the bad neg. things that exist everywhere in the world.
There is no paradise in the world other than the 1 you make for yourself.
I hope Toby finds peace on the other side. Scott
Hi Scott – Sad indeed. I think that part of moving here should be being open to change, open to adventure, and such. I know that is how I felt when I moved here, and it worked for me!
Hi Scott, if you don’t mind me giving you cheek, ECT is short for
Electroconvulsive Therapy. We give it to people with intractable depression or as an emergency measure if the person is so depressed that his/her life is at risk. It is given with general anaesthesia these days. In the old days, all they give you is something to bite!
Good Day every one:
Well hhmmm,,,,, that is not what I expected when I returned to give some input on the expats returning to their home lands. Evidently Toby felt that it was necessary to enact a permanent solution to what really is a temporary problem. But then again it most likely did not seem that way to him at the time I suppose. To bad really. All you can really do is wish him and his family the best as time moves on.
In any event I just had somethings I wanted to toss out there about expats returning to their home country after reading the last article about people leaving the RP to return to their home country. As far as I know these thoughts only apply to USA citizens, because that is where we live part of the year and what I see and hear, here is what I feel I can make a somewhat intelligent comment about.
The US is changing, fast and not for the better as far as I am concerned. Many of the folks I know that voted for Mr. Obama are now vocally regretting that vote. His regime is quickly trying to turn the USA into emulating western European countries with socialistic values and laws being enacted. Our personal rights are being eroded as I write this all in the name of it is better for the greater good and individual accomplishments are being ridiculed. MR. Obama has made several speeches condemning the very things that have allowed us to become the greatest country in the history of civilization. Such as ridiculing capitalism and making a prophet. As you sit reading this the liberals are trying to pass into law a rider that will allow doctors and the government to take possession of any or all of your bodily organs upon declaring you are dead so they can be give organs to those that “need them”. Now I’m not against that and in fact think it is a noble thing to be an organ donor,,,,,,,, BY CHOICE, not by heavy handed government enforcement of a removal of my personal parts and rights. I own my body,, not the government or anybody else for that matter.
So for those that are coming home to the USA get ready for “Change You Can Believe In”,, and by the way leave you money at the door the government needs it to pay the tremendous debt they have incurred under Bush and Obama.
Personally I like what my wife Jo & I do it, we winter in the RP and spend the warmer months in the USA. But I have a prejudice opinion about that.
Best to all, & may the Lord Bless us all in our daily lives!!
Hi Wayne – If you can make the snowbird style (half a year here and half back in the States) work for you, more power to you. I believe that it would not work for most people, though…. you could never really fully adjust to living here.
Hi Bob:
I believe that you are correct in saying “you could never really fully adjust to living here.” As for me I’m not a 100% sure that I want to. I will say that if our personal freedoms keep eroding such as they are here in the USA I could see myself and Jo reevaluating what we are doing and our plans for the future.
I am a member of this group http://www.sovereignlife.com and like many of the ideas that David MacGregor expounds. In all reality most of us just want to be left alone to live our lives as we see fit as long as it is not seriously effect some one else.
In other words to be a sovereign individual and live a sovereign life. Mr Obama and Mr Bush both have put that into severe jeopardy!!!
In any event one of these winters I gotta make it over to Mindanao. If for nothing else but to finally meet you and Feyma.
May the Lord shine his light on all and brighten our lives. May we also be gifted to allow him to that.
Hi Wayne – I personally have become so tired of US politics that I’ve left it behind and don’t even worry about it anymore.
Give me a shout if you ever make it down to Mindanao!
Hi Bob,
Very sorry to hear about this. I’m certain that this was avoidable…but Toby must have convinced himself that there was no way out except the one he chose.
You’ve been very up front about the need for people to ask themselves the question: Are you really sure that living in the Philippines is for you?
I don’t think many people do. They get sold on first impressions without really spending much time in the Philippines and without much understanding of what it will take to make it there.
I’ve said several times in comments…you need to spend more than a week or two in the Philippines to understand how things work. You need to do research to know what questions you need answers to while you are visiting so you can identify aspects of the life and culture that you may not be able to adjust to. You need to be honest with yourself about why you want to live there. It is not an easy life, even if you have a pension or savings. It takes effort beyond just making ends meet.
People tend to see what they want to see and make snap decisions, especially when the come in contact such a beautiful place and with such warm and friendly people as Filipinos. But it is truly another world.
And sometimes it ends in a tragedy, like this.
Hi rc – yep, you are exactly right. For some reason, a lot of people don’t think it through well before deciding to move here. I even hear from a lot of people who have never been to the Philippines before, yet they are planning a move! That seems crazy to me!
Hi Bob, Nice to see this post, although it is not exactly what one wants to read. But expats anywhere in the world experience the feeling of disconnect, isolation, loneliness. (Based on my experience in a couple of places, I found myself spending more trying to compensate for the lack of …… ).
The other thing I observe with some expats (working or actually residing in other countries) is the endless search for something or escape to somewhere, so wherever they end up, they may never find that “peace” of mind, heart etc. Toby’s situation is not unique unfortunately, he lost the battle. So I hope for the wanna be expats read this article, it’s sobering, a good reality check. Rest in peace Toby. Alex
Hi Alex – Yes, that was really my intention to encourage people who wanna be an expat to think it over carefully first. It’s a very big decision!
Bob a couple of points. One, you are absolutely wrong to feel any personal guilt or regret that you did not do more to prevent this. Such feelings are common after a suicide and do credit to the people concerned, but it’s virtually 100% certain that nothing you could have done would have made any difference.
Secondly, and there’s no nice way to put this (and I hope it won’t offend anyone reading) but almost by definition, foreigners living in RP will have a greater incidence of mental instability than the general population. That’s the case for two reasons: one is that some of them are here because they were incapable of finding happiness in their home countries, and the other is that a strange environment is likely to make feelings of alienation worse, not better.
Like I said in an earlier comment, coming here because you hate life where you live now is generally not a good idea. If someone hates their environment (I’m not talking about the normal irritations, but hates or despises it to the extent that it makes them persistently depressed) the problem is likely to lie within them and not within the environment. It might be suppressed for a while by the excitement of a new country and a new relationship but when it returns it will likely be worse than ever, with a whole new set of real or imagined grievances to feed on.
Hi Ken – Thank you for what you said about feeling guilty. I guess part of the reason why I feel some guilt is because when Toby expressed an interest in moving to the Philippines, I encouraged him. Also, having this website, I feel that it helps people, or encourages people to come and live in the Philippines. When something like Toby’s suicide happens, it made me step back and re-evaluate… hmm… am I doing the right thing by promoting the Philippines as a place to live? It is not right for everybody. It is right for me, but obviously it was not right for Toby. I suppose it probably would have happened even if he were in Australia, but I just feel that perhaps I contributed to his demise by encouraging him. It’s not easy to have those kind of thoughts.
I appreciate what you said, Ken.
Bob,
As a recent arrival in the Philippines I can understand what many are saying. I am also a survivor of severe depression. Zoloft is a wonderful drug. I only used it for about 1 month, but it got me over the hump. As for living here I can see that many western foods and such are available and I sometimes miss them but I am trying to use as many local foods and brands as possible. They are easier to find and also much cheaper. many are just as good also. Some things I will feel I will never adjust to, but many I have already begun. I have a desire to learn the language and I have already learned a little ( but a lot more is needed). I waited until I got here to make a decision about housing. I am still evaluating that, but I will rent for a year or more before even thinking about buying anything. I have come close to boiling over once when the 4th extended family member tried to talk me into something to make them money and then told me they knew I had the money. I politely asked them to leave. I would have handled that differently in the US, but I am not there now so I adjusted my attitude. My wife’s preferred answer is to hide, but that is not my way. I am confrontational. One thing I has noticed since moving here as opposed to visiting is that I feel less inclined to show “everyone” a good time, and family members are less “shy” about asking me for things. I am still the rich Kano in most of their minds, but hopefully that will change or maybe I will move farther away from the provincial nest. I see a lot of opportunity here for an open minded person, but I also know I will have to learn more of the culture and conform to their ways. I’ve been here 7 weeks and taking it one day at a time. Oh I do hear Hey Joe! a lot now. maybe I had it tuned out before or just needed to slow down.
Hi Richard – Nice to hear from you, I hope all is going well up in Tagum, and that you have plenty of electricity! Brownouts are getting worse here in the City!
I know the feeling about “some things I will never adjust to” – I’ve been there. But, after you have been here longer, you will find that you will adjust to most of them, perhaps all. After 10 years here, I find that I really don’t miss anything much at all. Of course, one thing that is an advantage is that living in the City, more is available than living in a smaller area like Tagum.
Hang in there Joe.. er.. Richard… I think you’ll do well in Tagum! I hope to see you sometime when you are in the City! Give me a shout… my cell number is (0915) 216-0300.
Hi Bob, To bad about Toby,no one to talk to maybe? Some time the famley or extended famley can drain you mentely. Every ones problem becomes my responsibilety, if you have a head acke give it to someone else ha ha…..thats reality here in Kidapawan city. On the brite side the pepol here are very good. I don’t speak the language much. Most want to practus their English with me thank god. We don’t have meney close neibors on the hill, so i walk down to the barangy and socialise, without aneyone at the house knowing,when they miss me they the bodyguards tryto find me .
Hi Jim – Ha ha.. I refuse to have bodyguards, even the family ones that just want to tag along to “keep an eye on you”. As I told Feyma when we moved here.. I’m a big boy, and I get to choose where I go, what I do and who does it with me. She has been respectful of that decision, and so far I’ve suffered no ill consequences!
Here’s to a happy life in Kidapawan! 😉
Bob: I was kind of watching this discussion from the sidelines (rare for me, I know), and I want to relate an incident that happened Monday AM…
I was down at the US Embassy to get a document authenticated… That section is the same waiting area as the area where people apply for the “Eligibility for Marriage” Certificate. The embassy was crowded (Monday AM) and I would guess that there were 50 couples there waiting. In one hour, I heard discussions from at least ten of the guys, that they met their fiancees on the Internet and had never been to the Philippines before! Three of them were ready to pack up and move here, and several had just gotten off the plane at NAIA over the weekend!
What was really astounding to me was the number of people there who had JUST met in person and were heading off to the altar. I’m not here to judge, their actions have no impact whatsoever on me, and I’ve done some stupid things in my life, but the idea of travelling halfway around the world and marrying someone immediately after you meet them in person the first time??? What are some people thinking?
I don’t know for certain, but I would hazard a guess that many of these guys are the same ones who end up losing everything, bitching on the Asian women forums, or staying here utterly miserable. I would also guess that these are the same guys who “already know it all” and wouldn’t listen even if they asked your advice.
The sheer number of people in this identical situation was what was really shocking.
Hi John – Ha ha… I can’t say too much, John, because back in July 1990, I think it was like July 25 or 24 or so, I arrived in Manila. I went to Cebu the next day and met Feyma for the first time. We were married on August 9, 1990. Worked pretty good for us! 😉 I do understand, though, that it was a bit risky. Some would say it was stupid, and that is OK for me, I am just glad that it was the best thing I ever did in my life! 😀
But, these guys who are ready to move here without ever having seen the place, or having been here one or two days… well, that would be a bit much for me.
Bob: No criticism… I would, however, say that you got very, very lucky 😉
Hi John – don’t worry, no offense taken. Funny thing is, I guess that I personally know about 50 people who did the same thing. I am not talking about people I e-mailed one time or something, I am talking about people that I have spent a lot of time with, mostly residents of the same area where I lived in the States. Out of all of those couples, I only know of one divorce. Everybody else in the group is still happily married ranging from 10 to 30 years now. Amazing, huh?
Three siblings, my mom, uncle and aunt. All got married before age 21 as was fairly common in the 50s. My uncle and aunt married their respective spouses within two months of meeting them. My mom and dad were engaged for over two years. Which was the only couple to get divorced? Yup, my mom and dad. Has nothing to do with moving to another country, but just thought I’d relate a personal story about marrying “too soon”.
Gary: Rebecca is my third wife, so I’m hardly, by any means, a relationship expert! However, that may have had something to do with why I was so amazed about the queue there…
As to the guys moving here, getting married, and never having left the States before? All I can say is, WOW!
Hi John – For what it’s worth… both Feyma and I are on our first marriages. I had not been married before her… and vice versa.
John, wow indeed – that’s beyond life changing!!
Hi Gary – I agree with you. Feyma and I wrote letters to each other (a lot of letters) for about 6 months before I came here. There was no internet at the time, so we were not doing the webcam thing and such. We delved into some pretty deep subjects in our correspondence. Both of us feel that we knew each other better than many couples would who dated in person for the same time or even more. When you are writing, there is nothing superficial. You are not doing everything you can to get the girl in bed, etc.
Hi John:
Yes I understand what you are saying about quick decisions to Marry & Move. Personally I like the way Jo and I did it, but as I have said before I have a prejudice opinion about that.
We were introduced to each other by friends even though we were 12,000 miles apart. We wrote and talked to each other for a little over 2yrs before I went to the RP. Even then we had agreed to wait several months before deciding if we still felt the same about each other. As it turned out we waited just over 3mo & then decided to marry. During that time we had both agreed and strongly felt that she remain with her family which she did until we were wed. I had no idea how highly that would be regarded by her family and how much it endeared me to them because I did not try to compromise her virtue. Sometimes I guess it is better to be lucky than good.
WOW BOB!!!
I,ve spent to morning here in J-ville reading all the new articles and their replies (took me all mornibg and alot of coffee). But man their is some powerful dialogue being shared here. Especially in this article in how the decisions you make can enhance your well being or end in tragedy. I do believe that if you are planning on moving to the Philippines an read this article and did not stop and revaluate things or at least review you reasons you are going to make a bad decision. You have to ask yourself why do you want to move to the Philippines? The answers cannot be because my wife wants to go home. The ecomonomy is awesome and I can afford to live well their. It’s like living in paradise without the stess that our high hussle and bussel countries place on us. Or any other outside the box reasoning that you can come up with.
The real question I gather from this article is this, ARE YOU READY TO MOVE TO THE PHILIPPINES?
I lived there for four years and been in and out for ten in the Navy.
Been Married to my filipina wife for over 30 yrs (oh yea BoB letter writing was the thing back then LOL.) And we are going to retire in the PI soon. This article really stopped my engines and I must ask myself why do Me, Myself and I want to move to the Phillipines. I told you a list of reasons in the first part Bob and they are all true today. But I believe that the true reason I want to move to the PI is the fact that I love to learn about people and culture and really want to be apart of it.
So people ask yourself that question and be honest with yourself, because if you are not honest with yourself this move to paridise will have problems and end in failure.
We have revamped our plans and plan to revisit the PI at least twice before we make it how.
From Great Articles and Discussions Comes Great Knowledge and this is one such case.
Great work BOB and everyone who had input.
Thank you very much, Michels. I do think that it is important in life to step back and consider one’s decisions to make sure the right thing is being done. One thing about it – moving to the Philippines is a huge life change. If it doesn’t work out, though, there are planes that go “back home” too, so the decision is not irreversible if it does not work out! Nice comment, Michels.
Yes BOB,
you are absolutely right that you can get a plane ticket back home.
But that is only if you have an exit plan in place. Which by the way everyone should have one, because you never know what’s going to happen in this unpredictable world. The other point I was getting at was that some people make hasty decisions. They neither have the income nor the ability to adapt to the culture and end up getting trapped with know way out. Some people believe that they can live the same life style and have the same foods in the Philippines as they did in their home contry. Like Toby God bless his soul. Yes you probably can live that life style but you will pay for it. People hear about Living Like A King on $1ooo.oo say thats for me and rush here to get some of that action. But they soon relize that was based on a filipino wages and life style. Some adjust some don’t that is why they must ask those questions before they give up what they have in their home country for paradise. I realize that you have got to test the waters as many times as you need to before you dive in. Because once you dive in it’s hard as hell to swim out of a ripe current. You just need to be smart about your move and it will work out.
Hi Bruce – Yes, planes fly out and into the Philippines every day… so it’s not hard to get on one of them! I always like Paul Thompson’s saying that he can give directions to the airport if needed!
Bob,
can’t argue with Paul T thinking.
Bob,
As one that is leaving, I feel bad for someone who had to go that drastic step. I have known some who have said they would do it too if life got too unbearable here.
Some Blogers paint a picture how easy and wonderful it is to live here. Life is wonderful and girls flock to offer themselves. This is far from the truth. Unless your a great at marketing and developing a service or product over the internet, it is difficult to make money here.
As for family, I have known a few expats wanting to return to their countries and now that the wife has the house and sometimes even a farm, business or bank account in her name told the husband to go but she stays. This is not only young wives that can look for another expat, some are old and not desirable to most men.
Expats planning to move here should come for a 3 to 6 month stay and then decide. Rent a house or apt and life the life. Then decide. As I always say on my site, with lady and her family, Set Boundaries” or else your money will be gone fast.
Hi Bruce – You paint a pretty bleak picture, and my experience is much different than yours. While there are problems everywhere, no matter where you go, I have found life here to be pretty wonderful. That’s just the truth, not something I am “painting” as you say. It is my truth. Your truth, and your life, are much different than mine is, but it does not mean that my life is any less valid than yours is.
Bob,
I am not invalidating your life, you have done well here. But you have the knowledge and energy to make a living through the internet.
What I am trying to say, or advise is for foreigners planning to move here should do a 3 or 6 month trial and see what life is like here. Then decide if it is for them.
Hi Bruce – You said that some expats overstate things by saying that life is wonderful here. Well.. my experience is that life indeed is wonderful. I don’t think I overstate it, I just like it here. There are things I don’t like, and I write about those things when they come up.
I agree with you that anybody thinking of moving here should consider it carefully and also come and try it out for a while before making a final decision.
There is nothing magic about making money on the Internet. I didn’t go to any classes or anything like that, I just started trying things, I emulated things that worked, and I stopped doing things that did not work. Nobody taught me what to do, I just taught myself. You can do it too…. anybody can.
Hi Bob & Christine, Pretty much every hospital in Cebu has Psychiatric centers, the most extensive help probaly at the top-rated hospitals: Cebu Doctors’, Chong Hua and Perpetual Succor Hospital.
There are also several private-practice Psychiatrists throughout Cebu City. Even the less expensive and the public hospital in Cebu City have Psychiatric help for patients.
Hi queenie – I am really glad to know that, because it is something that is quite important. Such services are hard to find in Davao.
Hi Queenie, golly, I missed blogging with you! And with everyone of course. Thank you for that information. Mental health is as much an essential service as medical health. Well, one can argue of course that mental health is still medical anyway, except it does transgress boundaries with social and psychological as well.
Hi Bob
I have readied your site a lot in the past years but not ever committed. This is a very good article you have to day.
I will tell you a little about my safe. I have lived in the US all my life and I am a over the road truck driver all lower 48 states. I have been in the trucking for about 25 year.
In 2005 I meat a lady from the Philippines online and have been talking with her for some time. In May of 2006 I went to the Philippines to meet for the first time. I was in the city of San Carlos City for 2 week to spend some time with this lady. The time I was with her I ask her over and over if she would be ok with the adjustment of moving to the US. Her name is Alona, she always replied yes I will be ok I have a sister that live there in the US I can see some time’s. Yes that is good you can see her.
I come back to the US and before I seniti in the paper work to get her visa I thought about this adjustment Alone would have to go through. I notice that Alona was not a very storage wild person. I know from past experience that being marred to a truck drive it would not be good thing. It is a heard life for both parties and con have a lot of depression for the one that is home alone a lot. It tuck me about 2 months before I seniti in the paper work for her visa.
I went back to the Philippines at x muss time to spend some time with Alona and her family to get to know them some batter. In May of 2007 Alona got her visa and I went back to the Philippines and got her to fly back to the US. Her sister come up to South Dakota to see her when we got back and for us to get marred.
Alona would come along with me in the truck but she want to say home some of the time. When she stayed home it was what I thought would happen she got lonely and did not like it. I studied some up on her culture before she come over to the US knowing that Filipino are not accustom to being alone. Alona come back with me in the truck for about a year.
Now she stays home more but because of our child. Alona go’s through a lot of depression time and don’t like me to be away from home to long. Alona as a very hard time adjusting here in the US.
I thing that if it is some one coming to US or if some one going to live in the Philippines It is going to be very hard to adjust to the culture. But ever one that make the move to where aver need to study up on the culture and work at learning the language. And get to met new friends it will all help to adjust.
I will be get of the road the end of May and work a local job to help Alona to adjust batter after all I did bring her here it is time for me to step up to the pleat and do my part.
Hi Ed P – Thanks for reading my site, and thanks for leaving your comment, it is appreciated. Wow, you will be getting off the road pretty soon.. I wish you the best of luck with adjusting to a new lifestyle, and to Alona too!
A very sad read Bob. May your friend now rest in peace with the Great Heavenly Father.
You are absolutely correct when you and other posters point out that isolation and loneliness walk hand in hand with many expats. I have seen many good strong men who were floored by this deadly combination. Men of these guys started to drink heavily witth all the expected consequences.
I spent many years working in different regions of Africa in the construction business and I have to tell you that I also had to fight these demons. I can not even imagine what it must be like to uproot yourself when you are in your late fifties or late sixties and move to the Philippines after spending a lifetime in your native country. It must be really difficult. To top it all of many guys in the Philippines dive deeply into difficult cultural relationships with younger women and of course with their families. I left my native country as a very young man, and despite much experience under my belt,I still had to deal with many of these issues later on when I found myself working in Africa.( particularly in Northern Nigeria during the years after the Biafran war, and also in Kenya)
I guess the best book I have ever read about depression was William Styron’s ( Memoir of Madness ); it should be mandatory reading for all expats, as I have seen so many guys brought down by this crippling affliction, when faced with severe social isolation. It is claimed that Mother Teresa once said that, ” the most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved”.
I also happen to think that language is a very critical element in this whole scenario and one should try and learn the language if you intend to settle in the Philippines.
Jody
Hi, Bob!
It’s so sad to hear Mr. Gorden’s untimely demise. Now I do believe loneliness can literally kill someone. You know, depression is quite common these days, with all those news we hear constantly everyday, about the world economy, terror, etc. and from the pressures of living in another country. It’s quite an unfortunate dilemma for many Filipinos living abroad, too. I sometimes hear of my fellow Filipinos living abroad (even in such countries as the U.S.) who commit suicide because they cannot bear the loneliness anymore and the pressures they constantly face, most probably from their work or way of life. Last year, I even heard of a Filipino teacher in Texas (?), USA who committed suicide because of her depression caused by her being away from her family (she’s married and her family’s still in the Phils.) and pressures from work, according to a suicide note. Like what you constantly advise in here, indeed, being in a new country is not to be taken lightly, no matter what country it may be; and if you haven’t thought about it thoroughly, it’s best not to go with your intentions to move, until you’re really ready to face your new life in your new country.
I’m glad you made it this far, Bob! And I’m sure, though there are frustrations sometimes, your life in the Philippines has become very rewarding indeed! God Bless!
Hi JR – I think you are right, Toby’s situation shows that depression and loneliness can literally kill a person, or at least cause him to kill himself. It is indeed quite sad, and it is something that has been on my mind since hearing of Toby’s demise. It really can hit anybody, no matter where they are. I am glad that I rarely feel homesick. I am also thankful that I can pick up the phone and talk to my family back in the States anytime I want to do so.
I have just discovered your postings about Toby Gorden. I suspect that he is my first cousin, and was previously known as Anthony (Tony) Gordon. I am currently researching this branch of the family, and Tony (as we knew him) was always a bit of a mystery. He visited my husband and I when we lived in Wagga Wagga, Australia, and at that time he was selling life insurance for AMP. He was then married to Judith, who later changed her name to Dion. We, and the rest of the family, then lost touch.
Can you are anyone who knew him in the Philippines confirm this? I’d be most grateful.
Regards
Hi Mary – I am sorry, I know nothing of Toby’s past before he moved to the Philippines. Good luck on your research.
Ok then..:);
This is very old post..that last posting was nearly 3 years ago..but as I am reading through the archives I need to comment here.
Depression is common..many do not even recognise it as such…write it off to a “bad day”..:got the blues”..whatever.
Having come from an abusive childhood..leaving home and making a living and my own way in the world since I was 15..I, without doubt, have had my problems with it.
“Tomorrow is another day” has been my motto for I don’t even know how many years…lol
I am moving to Phils this next year. The biggest reason is to LEARN..which, in my own personal experiance, is the very best thing for me when it comes to depression…I have never been to Phils…I have no real expectaions of “bliss/paridise or even peace at heart”..I am, for sure, not happy in the USA as I get ready to retire I see my income will be marginal to keep up to be merely subsistance.
I do not need much..I just need to be left alone..and what i mean by that is not social. I do not mean I need “wild west” as I have seen described on other blogs. I mean to live..learn..adapt..be able to have a garden and some chickens and maye a few pigs..a social structure around me that not only understands that but are happy participants.
I need little of the western world..maybe a comfortable bed..but I have made that many times from spruce bows and a tarp and smelled good in the morning..
What has helped me most in my times of depression is LEARNING..staying open minded and adapting..not excersise..altho I certain amount of that I nned to sleep well…not drugs..even though I HAVE taken them but found them pretty debilitating over all. What has worked is INTEREST in learning. jmho here..hope I did not offend any of the mental heath workers…:)