Note: I have decided to re-run this article from last year. We have a lot of new readers, and also there has been some talk in the comments lately about the adjustment of a returning Filipino. I think that this column will answer a few questions on that topic.
A while back, Feyma wrote an entry here about her struggle to adjust to her family. I wanted to comment on that, because it was a really important part of her life after moving here to live.
Actually, it all started even before we moved here, so let me go back to the beginning. When we got married, Feyma was young, just 21 years old. In addition to being young, she was not a worldly person, having grown up her whole life in the Philippines. After we got married, it took about 4 months to get her Visa to come and live with me in the States. She arrived in January, 1991. By December, we had our first child (Chris). In May of 1992 we took a trip back to the Philippines to visit her family, and let them meet Chris. Between 1992 and 1995 we made several trips back to the Philippines, but after that we did not return for several years.
Starting when Feyma arrived in the States in 1991, she really started growing up and maturing, if you know what I mean. I am not saying this in a mean way, its just that she had a lot of things to learn about, and being exposed to an entirely new life, she was becoming a more sophisticated and worldly person. She was more educated – even though she had not attended further schooling (she already had a college degree in the Philippines), she was becoming more educated just by living life, and seeing new things.
The next time we returned to the Philippines, it was 1999. Feyma was, in my opinion quite an intelligent woman, and one who was quite worldly. I was quite proud of the woman she had become, from the girl that I married in 1990. The last time we had been to the Philippines, in 1995, she was moving in this direction, but was still not that much different than she had been when we married. I was kind of excited for her family to see her and see the woman that she had grown into. Boy, was I in for a surprise!
Once we arrived in General Santos City in July 1999, and spent some time with my in-laws, it was kind of obvious that they didn’t quite know what to think about Feyma. They were confused, because Feyma was not the same girl that they knew from 9 years before. After a few days in town, I had an opportunity to go to the airport to meet a friend who was coming to visit me. I brought along my wife’s closest sister. They were only a couple years apart, and during their childhood and young adulthood, they had been the closest of friends. As we sat at the airport waiting for my friend to arrive, I asked my sister-in-law – “What do you think of Feyma?” I didn’t know what answer to expect. Given the personal growth and development that Feyma had undergone, it really surprised me when her sister responded – “She’s fat.” I was shocked! Feyma was certainly not fat. Over the years since we married, she had given birth to two children, so of course she weighed a little more than when we married! Really, how many 30 year olds weigh the same as they did at 21 anyway? I mean, I don’t think she had gained more than 10 pounds, and she was too thin when we married anyway.
It just hit me, though, when my sister-in-law said that. She and Feyma had been best friends and sisters all of their lives, and the only thing she could say about Feyma was that she was fat? I didn’t even know what to say. I asked her, though, if she didn’t notice that Feyma had matured a lot, learned how to speak for herself, etc? She said that yes, she noticed that too, which she didn’t like too much. Oh well… I was happy with Feyma and her growth, and Feyma was happy with the woman she had become too, so that’s what mattered.
We moved here to live about a year after that conversation. The attitude had not changed, Feyma was not the girl that the family had known. They didn’t know how to react to her. After some time, they came to accept who she was, although to this day, I don’t think they really like it.
I find this to be a very interesting blog. Feyma talking about how she learned to express her true emotions and you explaining how she grows into a sophisticated woman. How I would so much like to hear how her sister truly feels. Wish she had a blog too. “She’s fat” does not express her true emotions. Could fat to her mean Americanized? I often wonder how people in countries like the Philippines feel towards us. (I am an America) I recently went on a cruise and my waiter was from General Santos City. He was wonderful and I like him a lot. I wonder if he thought I was fat?
well, if it means anything, i very much enjoyed talking to feyma when i had dinner with the two of you last january. i found her very intelligent, well-spoken and i what i found most appealling was that she had a strong opinion of things. not a fly in the wall at all.
i'm not familiar with the early version, but feyma 2.0 is good in my book.
It just goes to show, that we all change over time Bob, Feyma obviously has done so, its not always what people expect, but we change based on our social experiences, with Feyma going to live in the U.S.A. she experienced everything that it offered, naturally when someone returns, they appear different, I think the same has happened to Gina, she has lived in the West for 2 years now, when she returns, people say she is different !, I cannot see how she is, but they say she is ! I am glad that Gi9na lived in the West, because she gets to see that the streets are not paved with gold, and money does not fall off trees, I teach her about English history and our Kings and Queens, she would ask me about a certain King, or a certain Queen, she is fascinated by it, and learnsf rom it, when she goes back, they say also she is fat ! hahahahahahha, but i cannot see how that is ? yes ok she put on some pounds, but she is still slim and beautiful as she was, when we met, so whats all the fuss about, I guess they just look different when they return.
Hi Ben – I don't know what Feyma's sister meant when she said that. Funny thing is that the sister is quite overweight these days, so I guess the tables are turned. I don't know why she would even care, or express that since it was not true. Perhaps your observation is right that she just said that to sort of cover her true emotions.
Hi Macky – Feyma and I bot enjoyed meeting you, only wished we had been able to meet your wife too! Next time, na lang. You are so right when you say that Feyma has strong opinions on everything… sometimes she can be a bit too strong!! 😀
Hi Peter – You are right, people change, especially when they get exposed to new ideas, new culture, etc. It's just natural, I guess.
Hi Bob, what Feyma should change big time is her grammar. You said she has a college degree and I expected more of her usage of the English language.
No offense, just a constructive criticism.
Lettie, sounds like jealousy is creeping in… Feyma is living the good life, be happy for her. It's great that she's sharing with us her life experiences, especially from a woman's point of view, so what if her grammar is not perfect, what are you the grammar police?
No offense 😉
Lettie – I purposefully did not respond to your comment last night when you first posted it, because I wanted to calm down a bit before I blurted something out that I would regret saying. To be frank, I did find your comment offensive.
As with many of the people who visit this site, Feyma is not a native English speaker (that would include you too), English actually about her 6th language! I think that she does pretty good with her English, given that fact. Maybe it's not up to your standards, but it certainly is up to mine.
I also know that Feyma is a very intelligent woman and she has accelerated in every endeavor that she has ever tried. I also know that she has been a great wife for nearly 17 years now, and a wonderful mother to our children.
I could not expect more!
I note that you made a grammatical error in your comment, but I'll let that slide….
I'm glad that Feyma has shared her experiences honestly. I think that it is a very brave thing to do. This blog is not about grammar, it is about sharing experiences with others, regardless of background and attainment in life. It is amazing how much you can learn from other people's perspectives and language should not be a barrier.
feyma
keep up the good work don't worry about the grammar. it's the content that matters.
your site is very interesting for us about to return after long absence
xx
Thanks for your comments, ladies. I know that Feyma will appreciate it too when she sees it.
Hi Everybody,
I just wanted to thank you guys for the nice comments. I really appreciate very much. One thing I will say though, I contribute to this blog wanting to help other people out there wanting to move back here to the Philippines. I was hoping that my input helps. That was all I was just aiming for.
I wish we had like this kind of forum back then before we moved back here.
Hi Feyma,
Thanks for your candor and undiluted insight on moving back to the Philippines and the challenges you've faced. I really appreciate it and look forward to more postings from you.
Keep up the good work. You're doing a wonderful job!
Feyma,
I hope you don't get intimidated by people who despise your use of the english grammar. I read all your blogs and i have no problem. I agree with what #6 said…there is sort of jealousy here in my opinion. Continue to post and am here as your fan waiting to read them. Bob's website is great.
Lettie
I have lit a Black Candle on your behalf! 👿
Bob… Oooooooohhhh, the comment about fat touched on something. This weekend, Rebecca and I went to the province for her uncle's funeral, seeing many, many relatives she had not seen in many years, and she was told at least a dozen times she got fat…. Same response as Feyma received (Who, judging by her photos on this site, looks great, too!). I am dumbfounded, too. Perhaps 4 kilos, at most, and certainly not fat (Hell, she can still wear a mini skirt and belly shirt at $%^&* years old and look great!!!!) It took a lot of reassuring on my part to convince her that she still looks great. I am taking her with me to HK and Singapore this week, so I think some "retail therapy" is in order. It'll also give her a chance to wear things she couldn't wear in Abu Dhabi or in the province with Mama wacthing her every move.
Funny story… First time I went to Abulug, I gave Rebecca a quick kiss on the cheek… Mama told her, in Ybanag, "No canoodleing in public!" This trip, before the wake, the same thing, "Remember, no canoodleing!" I told her, in my most innocent and charming way, "Nanay, I haven't even canoodled yet… I'm innocent!" At which point, Mama started laughing and came over and gave me a hug. I think I am now "officially" part of the family.
Dear Bob and Feyma Ive read all your posts since the beginning. I cant beleive the thoughtless things people write. You and Feyma both have given us such a gift with your insights. You both add a flavor and texture to life in the Philippines which we cud never obtain elswhere. There is one thing Feyma could answer either I missed it or forgot. Did she ever get the part for her rerigerator that she had backordered. Sure do love your daily writings I wish Feyma would write more. Her perspective is allways interesting and enjoyable. Thank You Both John
lettie, i was born in america and my wife was born the philippines. every time i am able i have her correct my english. she has learned 9 nine languges growing up in the philippines. please dont make fun of people.
G'day Bob/Feyna…For those who don 't understand that we grow up for a better person..feel sorry for them,,we do grow up globally..learned to see things in different ways..learned to speak out what we meant to say…If they happened to stuck themselves to where they are.. its their problem not ours.. 😉
I embraced my husband culture and keep on growing with it..I share it with my family and friends..I am now glad to find that their matured to accept it..I changed for a better person..it changed my view of life..keep on growing..not to be left behind to what is outder.. ➡ ➡ ➡ 💡 ➡ ➡
Your web is great..sharing experiences and views.. and I appreciate it greatly…thanks to you guys… More power to your website 🙂
Chubby, Fat, etc.., is a status symbol in the Philippine culture. It simply means that a person is content of his life. As for the grammar thing, I have been reading Feyma's blog since she started it and I don't have any problem understanding her grammar composition in the English language. I always look at the information it conveys to the reading public and her objectives for writing summarizes it all (see post # 11). So Feyma…keep it up.
teng – hahaha… chubby, fat as status symbol??? i didn't know that, anyways, i think, being fat comes with an impression of being overfed and no hardship in life as opposed to malnourished. I think!.
feyma,
don't let the grammar thing stop you from posting a blog, i don't have any problem reading and understanding all your posts, to me it's perfect so keep up the good work.
lettie – at least, feyma's english is not the CONO english that you hear around the philippines, and, feyma didn't use the "bastardized english" that filipinos uses nowadays. in case you didn't know, there's what i call a "day-to-day english conversation " that western people uses and it has a lot of grammar error but is acceptable, they don't need to use a very formal and proper english to converse, remember, the "british english" and "american english", they are very different.
"believe me you?" – grammatically wrong, but acceptable.
talk to a filipino on the phone and ask for someone, they always answer you with "for a while?" isn't that very amusing???
bob – don't get easily offended when somebody tries to correct feyma's grammar, you must understand that a big number of filipinos doesn't know how to have a conversation with a western people even if they can speak english, they don't know what a "day-to-day" conversation is.
Hi Bob- What I noticed about Feyma is she is neither afraid to ask a question or give an opinion. That to me is confidence in herself as a person and comes with maturity and experiance assisted by living in the USA with an American husband.
In a nutshell, the girl who left the Philippines with you to live in the USA returned a woman.
I noticed the same thing with Marilou and the difference is, in the beginning she used to ask me how to spell the words now its me who asks her. Where did I go wrong? lol.
And incidentally her brothers are still scared of her as she is never afraid to tell them off when they need it and her sisters stick to her like glue.
Hi Jim (post #21) – Correction please, I used to ask you what a word means if it's new to me and often the words I'm referring to are Scottish "slang". There's nothing wrong with my spelling! It's just that I learned to spell the American way in the Philuippines and when I moved to the UK I have to learn to spell the British way. It's quite an adjustment to remember to change from "or" to "our" as in favor-favour; from "z" to "s" as in organize-organise; "a" to "e" as in gray-grey. However, now that I'm going back to retire in the Philippines – I have to revert back to American spelling again (another adjustment). This time, I'll get my own back and make you spell, read and speak in Bisaya!
Hi Bob …Needless to say my wife is heavy ' Not fat" and a lot of her relatives ask me why i married a fat woman when there is a lot of skinny women around .. I told them that she found me and i will stay with her , as far as her specking English I have no trouble with it ..my English is as bad as hers is so ???? So tell Feyma she looks great and hang in there …don't get jealous Bob…hee hee ….Phil
Hi Bob…This is a very interesting article.My wife is over weight as is her mother both from Davao and her mother has congestive heart problems.I have pointed out that my wife may have this problem too if she does not change her eating habits.Aside from that she is a wonderful person that helps her family, actully she supports the whole family as her mother is ill and her father is out of work.Some members of the family have make remarks to her that were not so kind about her weight.I wonder is this all that they see or is it human nature to point out imperfections in other people even when they are helping you.
Hi Bob,
One thing I have realized is not to take things personally anymore. If people want to criticize my looks, my beliefs, my usage of grammar, etc. they will just have to fall in line. I have experienced condescension from many of the great in my business but never from foreigners – but my own people, including relatives sadly.
Humor is valuable; Success can be a sweet “revenge” 😉 So, Feyma, we move on and continue the journey.
Cheers everyone!
#14 Neal in RI, hope you washed the black candle first before lighting it . 😆
Hi Bob,
I think Feyma is a beautiful person inside and out. I appreciate her postings a lot! I'm so glad that she writes to share her experiences and insights to help some if not most of us who live abroad. To me that's an act of kindness and selflessness. Thanks for the things you do Feyma! God bless you and more power to you! 🙂
Just want to clarify the word “revenge” on my earlier post before anyone will be offended by it… I meant it as an act of showing courage to reverse any unkind remarks.
Thanks again!
OMG! 😈
I think Feyma is a wonderful person and she makes herself understood just fine.
There is nothing wrong with the way she speaks English.
I see the green eyed monster in you, why don't you write your own blog Lettie!
Hi Peachy – Thanks for your kind comments.
Hi Neal in RI – Ha ha… thanks for your effort! 😆
Hi John Miele – Isn't the insensitivity amazing! The Filipino people are really great people, but in this one area, they really don't mince words! I agree that there is a jealousy factor!
Hi john – Unfortunately, we still have not received that part for the refrigerator! Amazing, don't you think?
Hi jerry smith – I can tell you that Feyma appreciates your support!
Hi jocelyn green – very nicely said! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Hi Teng – That is true – insensitive, but true! 😮
Hi dans – Thanks for your support!
Hi Jim and Marilou – Oh my! 😯 We don't have a marital dispute breaking out on LiP do we? 😕
Hi Phil – Ha ha.. thanks for your comment!
Hi Jim – Good luck to your wife, and her mother!
Hi MarcelinaWW – I agree with you. Try not to take such comments too personally. It's the person saying such things that has a problem!
Hi Vicky – Thanks to you for sharing your thoughts! They are much appreciated.
Hi Cheryll Ann – You are a good friend! Thank you from both Feyma and I. 😀
Hi Bob- My conclusion is you take the girl out of the Philippines and you come back with a woman with attitude if she is away too long. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Hi Jim – Been there. Done that! 😆
Perhaps, there's a non-complicated aspect to this that has nothing, at root, to do with the Philippines. Feyma has advanced economically and that is going to set up certain dynamics even in an all-American family.
We Fil-Am couples enjoy hearing of Bob and Feyma's plans and goings on but to a poorer person up close,that may be a source of jealousy. Bob, you or I would go through the same exact thing with our relatives if we pulled away significantly in economic terms.
I joke with my wifey about her Filipino-isms. We were talking about our 3 year old and wondering why he was napping more, "Maybe he is having a growth sprout." That's a funny one.
Also, I think there's something about Visayan with Him/Her because wifey always mixes that up.
Hi Thomas Shawn – Thanks for sharing your view on this. Personally, I feel that it goes beyond just an economic factor – there is simply a lot more to it than that. However, economics is certainly part of the whole thing!
Hi Bob,
For Filipino families, most of times we are very candid and honest to our siblings. I dont kow if these are good or bad, but telling a family member that he/she is fat doesnt really mean anything but to express an honest opinions and sometimes ¨lambing. Perhaps the sister forgot that you came from other culture and that you dont have the same cultural understanding about a typical filipino brother and sister treatment:) Actually it doesnt really hurt or offend us when one of our siblings or parents will tell us the we put on weight. However, I do agree that if we hear such comment form those who are outside of the family and are not close friends, we feel a little bit unpleasant. As a filipina living outside Philippines, I would always ask my sister if i am fat even before giving her a hug..hehehe…Anyway, this is not only happening in Filipino families but you will be surprised that its happening in other Asian races like Chinese as well. ¨Moreover, a lot of times, if a family member is telling you are fat, its their way of saying that you are blessed to have such a good life. Obviously, we are not taught how to complement people in a right and universal way…Again, it is in our culture especially of those who are from the the province like me.
Hi Gene – The only thing I can say for certain is that Feyma indeed was quite offended and shocked at the comment from her sister. So, I guess that for her it did hurt.
Hello Bob,
I do understand if she feels that way. Besides, she might be away for a long time when that comment came out. I guess the sister wanted to say, ¨she put on weight¨. Its just that sometimes we Filipinos with the fact that English is not our monther language, we tend to translate things literally hence we say it in a straighforward manner like ¨fat¨when what we really meant is (especially if we are referring to our sibling) ¨nanambok lang¨which doesnt really imply FAT but a mere putting on of weight which most of the times means positive. Kindly tell her that she is not alone with this experience. As for me, this is the normal complement I receive from Uncles and Aunties who are coming to our house when I arrive from abroad. I was only 38 kilos before my pregnancy and gained some weight up to 40 kilos and still with this usual greeting like ¨nanambok ka¨ But I know in my heart that they dont mean to offend me:)
BTW, Feyma is very pretty and charming and your kids are super cute. You guys seem so happy and contented with your life down there. I enjoyed reading your blog about my beloved Mindanao. Keep up the good work.
Hi Gene – Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
hi bob and feyma,
my family of 3 have been reading your posts like watching a soap opera on tv always looking forward to the next episode. we have been hooked to it.
honestly, when i first read feyma's post on her adjustment on her return to the philippines, i thought she might have asked you to write down her thoughts for her because they were written perfectly. She was able to express her true feelings using very descriptive words. while correct grammar is good but it may not be necessary.
bob, i like the way you cooled off first before getting back to that lady. it showed so much about your personality. you could've responded harshly but you opted not to. you are awesome.
keep writing. you have a new avid family from this side of the world.
have you thought about reality tv show? might be a good business too.
Hi jan – Thank you for your very kind words! I appreciate it very much. Actually when I wrote this piece some time back, I did so myself, without any help at all from Feyma. I just wrote, based on what I witnessed and heard from her when we first moved here. Not all will experience this sort of thing, but it is certainly something to be on the lookout for.
Reality TV? Oh my… I don't have the money to do anything like that! 😆
Hmmm. In my family (when they say one is ‘fat’), it’s taken as a compliment. Poor, unhealthy people don’t get fat.
I actually lost a lot of weight in the Philippines since I arrived in November last year. I can’t eat when it’s hot. I eat a lot in winter (mainly because I need something warm in my tummy to get warmed up — like soup… cream soup.) I also put cream in my tea and my coffee. But I can’t get myself to put cream in my tea or my coffee here since I arrived. And when I see cream soup here, I feel like throwing up. Go figure.
I also wait for my food to cool down to room temperature before I eat it.
I don’t think my friends or my family see any difference in me — although some are starting to worry about my weight. I was strange when I left and no different when I came back. Oh wait! One difference. I like to attend Tagalog Mass every Sunday. When I left, I was an atheist.
Hi Mimi – Hmm… I have no problem with the cream here, not sure why you find it distasteful.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I’ve been with my Filipina wife for 10 years. I’ve noticed similar situations. My wife has matured and become much more sophisticated but the people back home are pretty much the same. She now gets frustrated with the provincial mindset of people back home and also anytime something does not operate with American style efficiency. I think they look at her and say “you’ve changed”. In many ways she has – she’s received some training in an allied health field, completed some community college classes, learned to drive a car, travelled around the US and several foriegn countries… not every change has been positive, but her world has expanded in ways theirs never will.
Yep, Steven… sounds very familiar! 😉
I don’t know why family will say things like you got fat. or your face is bigger, or your nose is getting wider.
When my wife a pregnant with my daughter she gained a little weight, not nearly as much as most American woman do when they are having a baby. And yes she isn’t the same size now at 27 when she was at 20 when we married. But who is?
I was 170lbs at 19 then 330lbs at 40 now at 220lbs at 46 things change.
But I noticed over the last couple of years my wife asks me if she is fat more.
I used to say NO honey.
But now I don’t say NO anymore. I say YES you are PHAT.
P-H-A-T!!
Physically Healthy And Tempting.
Then I chase her around the house a little.
She don’t ask as much as she used to.
Hi James – Yes, the Filipinos are quite direct in what they say, that is certainly true. Often it goes too far, but that is the way that culture dictates here.