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Do you give your wife an allowance?

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“My friend says she owes her husband a lot of money from when she bought a ticket to visit her family in the Philippines.” my wife stated. I looked at her with a confused look and replied, “Is that even possible?” My wife and I share the opinion that when a man and woman get married they become one financial entity. As soon as my wife got a US Social Security Number, I put her name on all my bank accounts. My accounts became our accounts. My money became our money. I thought that was standard for married people, apparently, it is not. We knew a couple here in the USA where the man was American and his wife was Filipina. She complained to my wife that her husband did not give her enough allowance. I thought allowance was for children and in this case, the lady was actually a few months older than her husband.

Are allowances just something a parent gives a child

Are allowances just something a parent gives a child

Throwaway Ticket Service - The Business that works while you sleep

My intent is not to tell anyone how to live their lives. If you are reading this and you pay your wife an allowance and it works for you and her, then so be it. I just personally don’t get it. I have heard some of the arguments. If I give my wife access to my money then she will give it all to her family. In my case, if I felt that way about my wife, then I would not have married her. For my wife and me when we got married our first loyalty became to each other. We really don’t argue much about money.

Dependent Marriage

Marriage is a partnership between two people. Different cultures and different individuals see it in different ways. Different is not necessarily bad. There are cultures and traditions where one partner is considered to be dependent and one partner dominate. There are cultures where the wife is seen as dependent and submissive to the husband and there are marriages even in cultures where that is not the norm that the couple agrees to this type of arrangement.

Add Divorce rate skyrocketed

Add Divorce rate skyrocketed

In the cases where the husband is controlling the money by having his money and giving his wife an allowance that is the case in my opinion. From what I have gathered this is not the norm in Filipino culture and yet it seems very common in marriages between foreign men and Filipinas. For me, this type of marriage is not a union of equals and not what I aspired to gain when I decided to get married. I see the potential for problems in this type of marriage especially if the dependent agreed to the marriage for the potential of economic gain. Again if this is the type of marriage you are in and it works for you and your spouse then that is great! I just do not see how the marriage is a marriage of equals.

Independent Marriage

In the modern Western world, I think the marriage of two independent people has become common. In the independent marriage, two people both making sufficient money to make a living on their own come together and they maintain their separate accounts. Sure if one falls into trouble where they need money interest-free loans are made, but the loaner is expecting repayment in some form or another. There is sharing on some level, but in other areas, there is not. When good fortune occurs to one member of the union then the other may see some benefit, but that is not necessarily the case. Decisions are made by a consensus of the two partners. This is a marriage of equals, but for me, it is not the ideal type of marriage and not what I aspire to personally.

Interdependent Marriage

This is a type of marriage where when the two people get married to a large degree they become one entity. This is what I a man born and raised in the Southern USA and my wife a woman born and raised in the Provincial Philippines, both believed was what marriage should be like. We share in each other’s fortunes and misfortunes. If I or my wife do something stupid it cost us both our money, not my money or her allowance. We have an equal stake in each other’s success or failure. We make decisions as one or if one of us makes a decision the other backs it up. The only drawback for me is that I feel it impossible to actually give my wife anything material since really I have no mine it is all ours.

Questions

I write blog articles more to learn than to teach. I think in most marriages in most parts of the world including the Philippines allowance is not commonly given to a spouse. I understand that in a marriage between a foreigner and a Filipina the foreigner usually enters the relationship with considerably more material things like money. I just do not get how the whole allowance situation comes to pass. In my situation, I was never asked for an allowance and when I put my wife’s name on what was my accounts neither I nor my Filipina wife thought it strange. So I am posing questions in hopes of gaining a better understanding of myself and anyone else who is reading and wants greater understanding.

  1. Do you pay your wife an allowance and if so why?
  2. How would you describe your marriage: Dependent, Independent, Interdependent or something else?
  3. Has anyone suggested you pay your wife an allowance and why?
  4. Do you feel like you and your wife are equals?
  5. Who is your closest relative?
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Jay Stainback

Jay Stainback lives in Raleigh, NC, USA and is hoping/planning to retire to Bohol in about 10 years. He is married to his beautiful Filipina wife Juliet whom he met on-line. They were married 12/7/02 and have two boys’ ages 9 years old and 5 years old. Jay has visited the Philippines 4 times the first time 1 week, the 2nd time 2 weeks, the 3rd time for 3 weeks, the 4th time 4 weeks spending most of their time in Bohol.

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Jan Cook
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Jan Cook

When my wife came over to the US and we married, she was put on all the accounts. What’s mine is hers.l did not know about allowance, that’s for kids, not wife that you love and trust.we been married for 10 years now and no regrets. Iam the one that says to send money most of the time to her family when something comes up.

Jay
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Jay

Hi Jan,

I am sorry for some reason I did not see your comment until now. We are much alike there are times my wife actually encourages me to send less than I would on the occasions we do help out. I am not sure of which is cause and which is affect, but it seems to me that in marriages where an allowance is given to the wife. The wife seems to want to send more money to her blood family. I do not know. It is something to think about. Thanks for commenting!

Peace

Jay

Dane Chanpokin-Hearn
Guest

i am a full time house wife and a mother. I manage our bills and we believe that once you are married, everything should be shared and we discuss everything if we want to spend money for this and that! I dont have an allowance, a wife should know her priorities and limitations like bills should be paid 1st then the groceries. I bake and make customized cakes at home sometimes and the money im making, my husband knows if i deposited it in the bank or i will be using it for something. Yes it is odd when a… Read more »

Will N Em
Guest

Yup!

Jay Stainback
Guest

Hi Dane- Your marriage sounds like mine. I always thought that was the way it was suppose to be, but apparently some people see things differently. I suspect we will hear from them. Thanks for being the first to share your thoughts and opinion. Peace, Jay

Dane Chanpokin-Hearn
Guest

No offense to couples that are doing the “this is mine, and that is yours” kind of set up, but we are talking about marriage right? Lol… maybe this is the 21st century but the meaning of marriage did not change as i have recalled!

Jay Stainback
Guest

That is what it means to me for better or worse my wife and I are a team! Peace, Jay Stainback

Dane Chanpokin-Hearn
Guest

Jay Stainback good for you and God bless!

Perry Gamsby
Guest

We’re the same, old-fashioned or traditional or whatever you want to call it but it works for us and our 6 kids for nearly two decades. People ask me “Does your wife work?” I tell tehm “We’ve got six kids, darn right she works… 24/7” Couldn’t go out and make an income without her doing all the stuff needing doing at home; we’d simply fall apart.

Dane Chanpokin-Hearn
Guest

I love that! A smack on their faces.

Jay Stainback
Guest

Hi Perry, My wife and I take a Biblical view of marriage. It sounds like you guys do the same especially the be fruitful and multiply! Six kids, you ain’t kidding she is working. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences! Peace, Jay

Gary
Guest
Gary

I am in the same boat. I have, basically, the only income. I have been with a girl here for over 6 years but we are no longer together. I would talk about the money every month. Even though it was my money, I would ask her for her opinion on how to spend it. Later in our relationship she started complaining that I didn’t give her an allowance. I was in a basic shock. I told her that if she wanted anything that we would have to talk about it or in other words she would need to say… Read more »

Viviene Mae Paras Coyne
Guest

I work so we share some bills and expenses. But my husband usually pays the higher amount because he earns more than I do (I am a nurse, and he is a teacher) , like he would pay 70% of the mortgage, and I will pay the rest. I pay the phone bills and cable bills, and he pays the electric bills. He does the grocery shopping since he is the one who cooks (I don’t cook) so he spends on grocery items and food. I am the saver, so when there is an emergency, I usually have the sources.… Read more »

Myrna Cheng Meola
Guest

Still looks like you both are sharing family financial needs, since you are both working and paying bills. Does this allow for separate credit scores for each of you? I understand that this could be advantages in certain instances. 🙂

Viviene Mae Paras Coyne
Guest

Myrna Cheng Meola i guess that’s it but I don’t think it likr “this is my money and i need to share it with you or that’s your money but you have to share it with me since we’re married.” Yes, each of us have our own bank accounts and credit cards . Each of us have our credit scores. He uses his own credit cards which i can access online to see if he has gone overspending. And yes it does have its own advantages. My husband has a low score and I am the one who maintains an… Read more »

Jay Stainback
Guest

Viviene Mae Paras Coyne , Good for you! That is an advantage to a more independent marriage like you have. Thanks for sharing! Peace, Jay Stainback

Rick Levy
Guest

When it comes to our finances, I always have the final word with my Filipina wife: “Yes, dear.”

Jay
Guest
Jay

Hi Rick,

I was at a friends house and I noticed his Filipina wife really bossing him around. We talked about it over a beer and agreed that our wives are only assertive with their husbands. Thanks for commenting!

Peace

Jay

Peter Jo Martin
Guest

Yes I do as if I don’t my beautiful wife will living on the street OK as my wife is still living in the Philippines in a home we are buying so if I don’t send something to her she would be sitting on the street OK

Luke Tynan
Guest
Luke Tynan

Jay, Wow. Your article surprised me. I am like you. My wife’s name is on all our accounts and she knows that she can spend it how she wants. The only thing we both agree on is that we talk about large spending to each other first. Wow.
Thank you for sharing..

Jay
Guest
Jay

Hi Luke,

If my wife took all my money and disappeared somewhere, I would miss her a lot more than the money. I am not sure what surprised you about the topic? The topic itself or that I wrote on it. This would seem to be a natural topic of discussion to me. My surprise is that no one has wrote in to my knowledge and berated me…yet. Thanks for commenting and sharing!

Peace

Jay

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