I am writing this post upon seeing what John wrote about his friend Harold. We meet Harold a few weeks ago. He is really a nice person. It was really a pleasure meeting him. I am shocked of what he went through. I really wish him all the best. He deserves to have a good life. I am really impressed on how he works hard to make his life better.
Talking about helping others. We helped niece. Bob and I started helping her since she was in grade school, we were still living in the States at that time. When we moved to live here in the Philippines we decided to get her and let her stay with us in our house. She was in high school then. When time for college came, Bob and I wanted what’s best for her and we sent her to Ateneo De Davao University. The best school in Mindanao. She wanted to take up nursing, so we let her study nursing, since thats what she wanted. When school started for her freshmen year she’s really good girl and didn’t get in trouble. That time she had good classmates and good friends to be with. Usually they would hang out at our house, they played on our trampoline with our kids, played computer, X-box or went biking around our neighborhood. We really like her friends. Sometimes on Saturdays Bob wanted me to give her money so that she can take her classmates out for coffee. We did that because we love her and because she didn’t gave us headache. Gosh when she’s in her sophomore year that was the time we started to have problems with her. She’s starting to come home later than she should. If I asked her why she’s late in coming home she would just tell me that her and her classmates are making projects and we believed her. By the second semester in her sophomore year that’s when it’s getting pretty bad. One time she asked me if she could come home late like 11pm and I said its okay because she has some projects to do with her classmates. The next day I asked her what time did she gets home? She told me around 11. I was starting to have doubts on her, though. She didn’t know that I was going to ask the guard at the gate at our subdivision, she forgot that they have a logbook. Well, when I asked the guard they told me she got in around 1:45am, she was shocked that I asked the guard. Bob and I were mad then. We talked to her and she said she was sorry and won’t do it again. It started to be a routine for her to come home late at night. Whenever she was off school she won’t even help our people clean the house, instead she wants the helpers to clean her room. She’s so tired to help. We then decided to cut back on her allowance from P200 per day down to P150 a day.
Later when it was really getting worse to the point that she came home one night drunk and some of the buttons of her blouse was open I was upset. So Bob and I finally told her that we would let her stop going to school for a year and she has to help work in our business and also do some work at our house. So Bob gave her 4 options 1)To stay here with us and help us, 2) To go back to her parents house and help them in the farm, 3) To go live with my sister and mom, 4) Move out from our house and find job and we will pay 2 months for her food and rent while looking for job. She chose the last option. She thought that when she moved out all her friends would still stay with her, well they didn’t. A week after moving out from our house most of her friends left her. They abandoned her because she didn’t have the money that she used to have anymore. Very sad. Well that was a year and half ago.
Well, last April she showed up in our doorstep. She had baby already. Everybody was shocked that she had baby already. She told us she learned her lesson and I think she did. We really love the baby. We talked to our niece for a long time. She wanted to go back to school, so we decided to give her second chance and we gave her job with pay at our business and were even babysitting so that she can just save up and go back to school. So that she can go back to school quickly we gave her more hours to work so that in a year or so she can finish up her degree and have good job and the baby will have good future. We were really disappointed to find out that she decided not to work anymore. We talked to her again and told her we did this so that her and the baby will have good future together. She wants that we will just send her again to school like before. Not gonna happen. I don’t think so. We asked her if the father of the baby would pay her school? She told us NO, he doesn’t have the money. She’s mad right now, she doesn’t even want us to see the baby. We are hurting for the baby. I just hope that my niece will realize someday that everything we did for her because we love her.
Relatives are the hardest people to help in the world! 😥
My wife Emy & I tried it: "long distance" help for our niece. While back in the islands, we set everything up and sent her to study nursing in Manila (13 hour bus ride from home). Tuition, books, fees, uniforms, housing, food and pocket money–the whole works. All we wanted in return was to see her grade report at the end of each semester and a promise to help her family once she got her first nursing job. We returned to the States, kept in touch with the niece via phone card calls, and all went well for the first semester.
Then, things went sour during the second semester. Requests for "lab fee" money, "field trip" money, "this occasion" money, "that reason" money, etc. seemed to be the only topic discussed in our calls. Never heard a word about how classes and studies were. We knew something was wrong, and being half a world away made discovery difficult.
We had the good fortune of a strong relationship with the "distant cousin" who was our niece's landlord (our niece didn't know). He told us that he really felt sorry for our niece, and explained what was happening. Our niece's mother (Emy's sister) decided to make the 13 hour bus trip and move in with our niece. She brought our niece's older sister and younger brother with her, too. All were living with our niece, or should I say living off of our niece. All the requests for extra money were coming from sis.
Our niece even withdrew from the more expensive course to get tuition refunds (at her mother's direction).
On learning all of this, we could do nothing but pull the financial plug, and provide all concerned with two options. Either our niece continues her education alone with all others permanently making that 13 hour bus trip back home, or everyone makes the bus trip. Sorry to say, they chose to all go home together. Of course, they were without a centavo, the older sister had become pregnant, the younger brother had gotten sickly and needed medicine, and the mother wanted fare on the super deluxe bus with air con plus pocket money. (Didn't happen!)
We found that the only way we can help relatives is through a trusted friend or third party. Also, money sent monthly to the trusted friend to help sis' family can't be handed over all at once. Too big of a temptation to spend it all the same day she receives it. Small weekly gifts seem to work a lot better than a large monthly one.
We hope others don't have similar experiences, but . . . .
Too many times we've found that, when given "seeds" to grow their own food crops, relatives eat the seeds! 😳
Feyma
from reading your and Bob's experiences i can see you have experienced some highs and lows when it comes to helping other. We too had a bad experience where trust was abused and on reflection looking back at what happened (details are not important but the story could be the same as pauls above…..because we were remote, anyway…………….)
i think that by providing either cash or access to funds had a corrupting effect which eventually like the situation with your neice led to too much temptation……which is not to excuse the abuse of the assistance but in a way it can be understood
like you we continue to help but have learnt a valuable lesson and keep closer tabs on access to funds and monitoring of how it is used…………………
i really do think we should all try and understand the potential corrupting effect of temptation and 'easy money' it doesn't make it any easier to accept when genuine help is abused but like you and Bob and Paul above we have managed to find other ways to help which have not been so open to abuse……..so, pat on the back to all of us, not to get too bitter about the treatment we have received and not to let it influence our nature to help people (especially family i agree) for the future.
Hi Feyma,
This is a sad story. I've always believed that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, especially when it comes to kids. Letting them experience some hardship builds character. Easy come, easy go. If they have to work for the money, they will value it more. Your niece may not realize it now but she will eventually. She had a good thing going there for a while but she didn't value what she had. Don't let her use the baby as a leverage. It is so easy to fall into that trap. Give her time, soon she'll be back at your doorstep.
Hi Feyma this story with your niece it is no good. Also my wife
one niece have baby but she is married but pay money for
the husbund of niece of my wife because he go to work for
one greek shipping compay he is work seamen now. But the
problem the husband of the niece of wife send money only
100 dollars have deposit ATM card the clean money tell me 3500 pesos on her pocket. But this money enouth for my niece and her baybe. And you know every month the mother of the husband
of niece tell my niece give to her 1500 pesos . Really this problem I am skirt I no like problem my life.And I am thinking
if I stay in philippines I look this problem. If no take money
call on telephone in canada other relatives tell the problem
my niece she is need money. Also my wife skirt this problem
she is thinking go to philippines or not. But I like to stay in philippines only I am thinking how to fix this problem of the
relatives.
regards
I truly appreciate your openness on this matter, Feym. Like you guys, we're also helping relatives. One nephew is hoped to graduate college from Ateneo in March '08. I monitored his grades always. We send twice a year school paraphernalia, shoes and backpacks that I bought from garage sales for the younger kids. I let them know that $ are not grown and picked-up from money trees. I agree with Tina, we need to be tough at times for their own good. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Paul- I'm sorry to hear of you guys problem too. Very sad that they chose to quit rather than making their life better. You guys you gave her some options to make it good but she chose to go home with the family instead. You know what? They would not be blaming themselves for what happen isntead they are blaming you and your wife that you guys stop supporting them.
Thats good also that you have some other relatives that care and will tell you guys whats going on. Goodluck to you.
Hi Rick- Thanks for the nice comments. I think we trusted our neice too much. We are sending some of my neices and nephew to school right now and they are not acting like her.
Hi Tina- I can't agree you more. I'm not gonna be her wallet anymore. We love the baby, but we are not gonna support them. We told her to let the father of the baby support them. I don't know if she really asked him. Too bad. She needs to learn.
Hi Zois- I hope that your wife's neice can get some more money for the baby from the father.
If you want to settle here in the Philippines in my opinion don't live near to your wifes family. We've been to that path already. It really causes problems between husband and wife. Later on you and your wife will get tired of it.
Goodluck to you.
Hi Jul- At least you are smarter than I am on this. I really thought I know my neice that well she grew up in my parents care. I guess I trusted her too much. Now I am not gonna be fooled by her anymore.
Goodluck to you!
This year, my sister in-law is in grade 2 high school for the 3rd time. We pay for all her tuition and expenses at a private school. There have been some circumstances that were out of her control, but in general she would prefer to not go to school. Her plan is to marry a foreigner. Our hopes for her to have an education and have choices in life are our dreams not hers. I wish her well and hope her future is not along the same painful path as your niece Feyma. We can only give her the opportunity, it is up to her to do the work so she will have choices in life but I don’t think she is up to the task. It truly is sad. I feel like I am watching an accident.
I myself is married to a westener but we both agreed that right now…though we want to help some of my relatives we have to focuss first with our own needs. Especially my children. I guess the best and safe way is that show to our relatives that though we are married to white guys we have our own responsibilities, obligations and need also securities. Right now every time someone asked for help i would give some but then make things clear. I have to make them understand that i have my family as well to look after to. Besides there is no hard on earning their own money, regardless on how small it will be but if they worked hard for it-then it will be fine. But dont get me wrong ok; i extend help as well but not all the time. maybe i am very particular on giving help for reasonable things. Bacause i know there are some who will abuse you at the end…and same with you it is very painful.
Hi James – one thing you sister-in-law should know is that most foreigners would want a well educated and intelligent wife. Some people marry for beauty, but that is rather shallow, because beauty is gone one day, while intelligence not only lasts forever, but also grows over the years. Being a more well rounded person is the most attractive thing she can offer.
Hi Charlene – I think that your way of helping is reasonable. Charity always begins at home, right?
Hi Feyma we are talt I and my wife and we are thinking
is better we live in baguio city.Because we are visit on year 1982
the baguio we like very mutch.Only my problem no have any
relatives in baguio to give us some information if we start to live
in baguio.Now I am very dizzy because I make new plan for
baguio. You know what this transient house for rent because this
is very cheap (little) price it is good or bad plays because I look
on internet in baguio city.
regards
Hi Zois- I think Baguio is really a nice place to live especially with the cooler weather they have there. My only thing on that it might be a little bit expensive there. Just hearing from people saying that. I've never been there though. Here in Mindanao we have little Baguio the Bukidnon. That's the one place we want to live. Cheaper too.
I guess for you being your wife is from Vigan, Baguio might be a good place for you guys. Check it out first.
Good luck..
Hi Feyma about vigan any news I am thinking about baguio
realy I can't take decision where I go to stay. you have any
information about baguio is dangerous place yes or no.
what dialect you speak tagalog or other.
Hi Zois- My cousin thinks that Vigan is safe for foreigner's to live. The only thing it's really a long ways away from Manila if you want some foreign stuff.
I am pretty sure Baguio is safe for you guys to live too. It's just that I think it's expensive to live there. I haven't been to Baguio though. I'm sure some of our friends in this blog would tell you about Baguio.
Try to stay in Baguio first before staying there for good.
Good luck to you.
Hi Zois & Feyma – Baguio is as safe as Vigan. Weather is cooler – some houses have fireplaces for occasional cold nights. Folks there speak Ilocano and Tagalog, so someone from Vigan will not have any problems with communications.
Problems I've noticed – increased air polution and over-development.
Non-local goods are delivered to Baguio by trucks – many, many trucks – some with bad exhaust, bad breaks, bad etc. The air quality is much worse than it was 20 years ago.
Many people want to live in Baguio, regardless of any problem. In doing so, they add to the over-development problem. Areas that used to be beautiful, pristine green areas are now developed. Also, the more people living in Baguio, the more trucks needed to deliver goods. The beauty of Baguio is fading.
No problem is permanent, however. There are groups who are working to reverse these two problems, and return Baguio to its former post card picture beauty. If they're successful, Baguio should return to its former beauty in a few years.
Hi Feyma you no tell me you speak tagalog or ilocano because
my wife speak ilocano. About baguio I like but some one tell me
no have beats only in san fernando but also I am thinking
if I go in country of my wife I like I have communication
with relatives of my wife why I go in philippines. I am thiking
what I do many thanks.
Hi Paul you tell me about the baguio city in no dangerous
for the night because some one tell me from manila in baguio
stop the car jeepenes or taxi and take money from the people.
And I read in sun star news young philippino make
group make bad things take money or cellphones same in america.
And you tell me about vigan if you know is dangerous for foreigners. Also you can tell in vigan live foreigners or no.
I like any information about vigan and baguio. where you from
Poul I am Greek from Athens many thanks.
Hi Zois – Being robbed in a car, taxi, jeepney or even a bus happens in many cities and on roads between big cities and the barrios. I'm sure it happens in Baguio, but not as much as it happens in and around Metro Manila. If you don't "flash" your money around or act as if you have a lot of money, you shouldn't be bothered. Most of the stories that make the newspapers involve buses and jeepneys where many passengers are robbed all at the same time.
Same for cellphones. There are areas in every city where it is best to keep the cellphone in your pocket!
The Sun Star News isn't a "news" newspaper like the Manila Bulletin or Manila Times. It is more sensational news reporting and most stories are extreme. Some are not necessarily true, and retractions appear in their paper edition buried in back pages. I would not worry about whay I read in the Sun-Star!
Vigan is a very nice city. It is the provinical capital of Ilocos Sur, and has a mixture of modern and historic elements. It is known for its tobacco and pottery, among other things.
When we are there, my wife and I take a calesa (two-wheeled horse-drawn cart) ride around the city to see the sites and the changes since last time we were there. P150 @ hour is a good price. I like the old mestizo district as many houses and buildings are "century buildings" – been around since the late 1800s/early 1900s. It is a living museum!
My wife's family is from north of the city of Laoag, provincial capital of Ilocos Norte. Right now we live in California, but will be retiring to "Ilocandia" in about 2 years.
Hi Paul many thanks for your information the vigan I visit last year also I take the calesa because my wife's familys from san juan nearlly of vigan. and also I visit laoag 2 days.
In vigan have foreigners live. Also in laoag there is foreigners.
Also I visit baguio the year 1982 it is very nice.
Know I look all readers of site I try to write is corect english
but it is difficult but I try. Also tell about laoag in no dangerous
for foreigners.
Laoag and Vigan are still very nice places to be. My wife and I were there in both cities during our April-May 2006 visit. Some of the old folks still call San Juan "Lapog" – we visited there, too, on our way to Vigan. I think San Juan is bordered by Ilocos Norte on the Northeast.
Laoag is not dangerous for foreigners – it's the same as Vigan. Like everywhere, a foreigner who behaves nicely will be accepted and treated just like any other Ilocano. If the foreigner does not respect others and acts like he or she is better than everyone, or causes trouble for others, then they will be treated poorly and will never see very many smiles.
I enjoy walking the streets in Laoag. Of course, there are some (mostly children) who do not see a kano (American or white person) very often and they jump up an down, try to touch you and call out, "Hey, Joe!). Lots of fun to see. Otherwise, no one causes trouble for you.
Street vendors and merchants will call out to you, asking you if you want to buy this or that. The starting price they quote to you is often higher than what they quote local townspeople, but you're expected to "bargain the price" down to one that is agreeable to both you and the vendor. I've noticed that Ilocanos from other towns get the same starting prices as I hear, so I like to think they do it for me because I am from another town!
I can walk around Laoag, eat a "yum" (hambuger) at Jolibee, go do some shopping, have a haircut, and enjoy a deluxe halo-halo at Chow-King without any problems at all. I do not speak Ilocano very well, but everyone enjoys practicing their English when speaking with me.