If I (Steve) was President of the Philippines

Today, I’m announcing my candidacy for Philippine president.

Never mind that I’m not Filipino.

What is a 13A Visa

If anyone questions my background, I will simply label them a racist. (This strategy works well in America). Below is my 19 point platform, and I hope I can count on the illegal foreigner expat vote to get elected. Today, I’m announcing my candidacy for Philippine president. Never mind that I’m not Filipino. If anyone questions my background, I will simply label them a racist. (This strategy works well in America). Below is my 19 point platform, and I hope I can count on the illegal foreigner expat vote to get elected.

My Not Politically Correct Platform

  1. Only English may be spoken when foreigners are present.
  2. Only English may be spoken when foreigners are not present.
  3. Breweries in other countries will be invited to manufacture and sell their product tax-free. If a foreign brewery wants to manufacture their product in Manila, their countries foreign embassy will be forcefully vacated so the brewery can use the building. (It’s simply a matter of priorities.)
  4. Population control will be handled by the church. Various forms of birth control will be distributed with the communal bread and wine. Churches failing to cooperate will be converted to foreign embassies.
  5. All National Book Stores will be converted to regional distribution centers for Amazon.com.
  6. Karaoke machines louder than a Harley Motorcycle will be confiscated. On second thought, all karaoke machines will be confiscated.
  7. The company officers of Globe, Smartbro, and the other Filipino Internet companies will be imprisoned until internet speeds are comparable to other countries.
  8. All Jollibee will be converted to Dairy Queens. (The only thing I like at Jollibees is the ice cream.)
  9. Any product containing rice will carry the following label. “Warning, this product can be addictive.” (Basically, this means all Philippine products will carry this label)
  10. Skin whitening products will be prohibited nationwide.
  11. The Christmas season will begin Dec 24 and end Dec 26.
  12. Just for fun, all Philippine call center employees will be trained to speak English with an Indian accent.
  13. We will start a war with a country having a weaker military than ours, provided one can be found.
  14. A national holiday will be observed for my birthday. By my calculations, this means the annual number of Philippine work/school days will be 7.
  15. We will make various unreasonable demands on other countries for aid. If they fail to acquiesce, we will threaten to open Jollibee restaurants every 100 meters in their countries.
  16. Halo Halo ingredients will be standardized.
  17. A new international online shopping site will be sponsored and supported by Philippine companies. Whenever a shopper tries to purchase an item, a friendly message, “out of stock” will be sent. Filipino’s everywhere in the world will feel like they are home.
    The number of beauty pageants a town or city is allowed will be reduced to three per day.
  18. Cockfights will be illegal. Rooster fights will be legal.

Remember, vote for ‘Steve the Balikbayan’ in the next election, and thank you for your support. (FYI: If Bob Martin decides to run, I will graciously step aside.)

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Steve Walker

Steve has been married for 25 years to a Filipina from Cebu. They lived in the Chicago area until recently, when they moved to Cebu. He worked as a computer programmer analyst and retired 3 years ago at age 57. They have a home that is located close to the famous whale shark tourist attraction and have 3 dogs.

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Panama CGiovanni ReveloAl OuelletteGary Neil Daddshgb Recent comment authors
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steve baker
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steve baker

Hmm, funny, but with a list like that, I wonder how long you’ll last here! Lol
All I know is that if I were elected President of the USA, I’d probably be assassinated within 2 weeks!!

Steve
Guest
Steve

Yeah… I’m not counting on many locals voting for me.

SD
Guest
SD

Sure made me SMILE today! Bravo!

Steve
Guest
Steve

I hope I can count on your vote.

SD
Guest
SD

Damn straight!…for what it’s worth

hgb
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hgb

You’ve got my vote. However, I like Christmas songs/ decorations taking place during the “ber” months.

Steve
Guest
Steve

Everything is negotiable. Thanks for your support.

Gary Neil Dadds
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Gary Neil Dadds

Not sure about 18. Cock short for Cocherel which is the male chicken. When a Cockerel is put with hens to cause them to roost the cockerel becomes a rooster.

Al Ouellette
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Al Ouellette

Steve, I think I can get you some votes.. For a price.

Steve
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Steve

Being from Chicago… I wouldn’t have it any other way! Also, could you go the your local cemetery and kindly cast votes for me on their behalf. Never underestimate the deceased voting bloc.

Giovanni Revelo
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Giovanni Revelo

Just to add a little bit on your platform no.4 – all Catholic priests irregardless of race or culture are automatically accepted as citizens of Rome (yes, they have Roman passports) as the Church and it’s surrounding grounds is informally accepted as an embassy of the Vatican. Simply put, no erring Catholic priest can be arrested especially within the grounds due on diplomatic reasons.

Panama C
Guest
Panama C

HaHa….#17……..just tell me what you have!

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