Dear Feyma “mixed emotions”

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Hi Readers,

I got a note the other day from another LiP reader  Although she has been living abroad for some time, she had questions regarding some of her nieces who are still living in the Philippines.  It seems like her life in a different culture has sort of “broadened her horizon,” she fears that her nieces are not open to such experiences in their own lives, and because of that, she is wondering what she should do.

See what you think by reading her note to me, below:

Dear Feyma, Kumusta? I am writing you asking some opinion from you.

I am a Filipina living here in Canada. Married for over 20 years now. I would say that I am happy with my life here in Canada with the man I love. Been going home to the Philippines when I have time and money. I have grown up kids now also.

Flowers from WowPhilippines

I am thinking of going back there to the Philippines to live part time, when its winter time here.

I have some nieces there in the Philippines. Few of them are still single. I asked them during one of my visits if they will be interested to marry a foreigner. Shocking to know that few of them would not consider marrying a foreigner. They said that they just don’t think that they can adjust with the other culture that well. They said it is hard to adjust living with the person with the same culture how much more with the other culture. They said it is no way they can adopt to it.

Now how would I convince them that living with different culture is not that bad as what they think? They know that I am successful with my married life. They know  in every married life also is not perfect, I am one of them. We have our shares of marital problems. But not to the extent that we are hurting each other physically or emotionally.

Anyway, I was just wanting to ask you and write to you about this.  Not really a problem for me what my nieces want and do in their lives. I am just interested on what you think so that I would know how to answer them that it’s not too convincing or not too against our own culture too. Believed me I am really also a believer of our culture. I am not who I am today if not for my parents who molds me with our Filipino culture.

I said too much. Thank you for reading my email. Keep up the good work. You and your husband really loved the Philippines. I hope we settle there soon. I am hoping to see you and your family. Thank you! Lydia

What are my nieces thinking?

What are my nieces thinking?

To you Lydia,

Thank you so much for writing. I really appreciate your email to me. Really with regards to your nieces, it is not really a big of a deal. If they think its not for them to be married to a foreigner then you can’t really force them. Maybe in time they will really realize that no matter who they are married to they have to adjust big time. I am not going to deny that marrying someone from different culture needs more adjustment. But really learning each others cultures are more fun though. Just like learning how to deal with the accent. Just one example, the way we Filipinos pronounce the words, our hubby thinks its so cute and sexy. And the way round.

Also its more fun teaching each other the superstitious and beliefs of every culture. My gosh, when I was telling Bob before all the beliefs we have in our culture. He had to scratch his head and just said wow. You know that we have gazillions beliefs here in the Philippines and it also all depends on what province you are from. And telling those beliefs to my kids, ha ha ha, its another story to tell. They were laughing hard to some of them.

Really your nieces will learn more now. They can go on-line and search what they are afraid of though. With the net everything is more open. Now they can just observe the person when they are chatting live on the net. Unlike us before that we have to rely on the mail for our questions to be answered. Remember  its post office mail, it takes forever to get to us.  Just don’t worry about your nieces, if it’s not meant for them to be married to a foreigner then it will not happen. If they want to be married to Filipinos its okay too. That might be good for them, so that no regrets when time of problems later.

Just enjoy your visit with your family.

Hope to see you here in Davao too when you retire. Good luck to your plan on that.

Feyma

To our LIP Readers: I am also asking you guys if you encounter similar situation with Lydia and her nieces. Feel free to share here with us. I will really appreciate any stories or inputs you might have. Thank you again you guys in advance.

Mabuhay!

Post Author: Feyma (311 Posts)

Feyma Martin is a Columnist here on the Live in the Philippines Web Magazine, she is the wife of site Publisher, Bob Martin. Feyma is originally from the Philippines, but went to the USA for 10 years after marrying Bob in 1990. Bob & Feyma moved to the Philippines to live permanently in 2000.


Comments

  1. chasdv says

    Hi Feyma,
    I don’t see the concern here, the nieces certainly look old enough to make their own decisions in life.
    Sheryl also has friends who are not interested in marrying foreigners, and i have many friends who are not interested in marrying into other cultures, each to their own.
    Take care,
    Chas.

    • says

      Hi Chas – I agree that it’s not a biggie of a problem. I think she just want to know what I think of it. I also asked here maybe some readers here have similar situation as Lydia had.

      Thank you for your comment Chas. Have a nice day!

      • says

        Feyma,I understand Lydia’s concern entirely. Over the past 10 years my wife’s youngest sister in the Philippines has refused to communicate with several American guys we have put in touch with her. These guys have jobs,their own homes are mature & sincere. My wife’s sister said she didn’t want to marry an “Old” foreigner. Now at 30 years old & unmarried, my wife’s younger sister is very much pregnant in the Philippines. The father of the child is an already married Filipino with his own family. My wife’s sister will now raise a bastard child as a penniless unwed mother,stuck in the Philippines in perpetual poverty. I’m not suggesting Lydia’s nieces will end up making such poor decisions,but marrying the average foreigner has many,many more benefits than marrying the average Filipino. I’m not suggesting that all Foreigners make better husbands than all Filipino’s.
        Just,that the odds are much better for the average Pinay to have a better life & help her family if she marries the average foreigner vs. the average Pinoy.

        • kris says

          @mitch madden, personally i think its opinions like yours that give filipinas a bad reputation.

          You marry out of love, not to improve your life. Marrying or not marrying a foreigner has nothing to do with your sisters situation.

          She could have married a decent, educated or hard working filipino man and been very happy. But specifically chasing foreigners so that your improve your quality of life is just very wrong.

          • Miss August says

            Filipino women give themselves a bad/good reputation the way they behave. Mitch Madden simply told us what happened to his sister in law.

            So, the sister in law fell in love, got pregnant out of wedlock and where did that get her? You can “fall out of love” and you can choose to love the one you are marrying. Love is an action verb… not just an emotion.

            • Mitch Madden says

              Miss August, Nice to read such reason. Reason is the mark of maturity & wisdom. Emotion & idealism are the marks of youth & in some cases the mark of someone who remains at the bottom rung of realization! I have a very long relationship with the Philippines. I love the country & its people. Any perceived negativity I post regarding Filipino culture will simply be a matter of fact or at least the product of sound reason. Pinoy’s are known for their sensitivity. Sometimes said sensitivities seem to prevent learning & growth. Remittances from Pinoy’s married to foreigner’s & OFW’s are literally keeping the Philippines & Filipino’s alive. If Pinoy’s can’t get their own lives together & must beg, con,play guilt trips,untong na loob, hard working & sacrificing relatives abroad,then they should be ready to jump on any opportunity to go abroad and become part of the solution as opposed to part of the problem. The aforementioned is partially subjective (opinion).Having said that,it seems to me it is sound advice,probably not much different than Lydia’s to her niece’s.

            • kris says

              Mitch madden is encouraging her nieces to marry a foriegner and is alarmed that they’re not interested in doing so.

              If she is worried about securing her nieces future, i encourage her to teach them how to be strong, intelligent women with business skills or some type of useful education.

              A a foreigner reading her message, its just sad when you see a filipina encouraging others to look for foreigners as though its the answer to all of their problems. I lived in boracay and manila for 7 years now and there are plenty of clever young filipino guys with good careers. Its much better she encourages her nieces to look for a man who is driven to suceed in life, filipino or foreigner. Until then, teach them how to be independant and strong.

              • says

                Kris,you & I should be friends. I’m sure we have plenty of common ground. Perhaps I was encouraging Lydia’s niece’s to not rule out getting to know a foreigner with possible marriage in mind. I was not alarmed that the niece’s were not interested. I agree with you that seeking out a foreigner for marriage/money is far from ideal.I also agree that there are hard working,clever Pinoy’s who are driven (just not enough to go around) I have spent the last 32 years studying Philippine culture,history & geography. I have traveled from Baguio (Cordillera’s) to Mindanao & many points in between.I have many Pinoy friends in the US & in the Philippines. Kris,I appreciate your point of view. In fact,it seems a sound,albeit idealistic stance. I hope we can agree that in a perfect world,no one would marry anyone for money.As things in the Philippines stand today,it seems to me there is nothing nefarious about a Pinay taking advantage of an opportunity to improve her & her families lives through marriage. After all, improving one’s life is the hope of all newlywed’s is it not? There is no sin in being pragmatic.

        • says

          Hi Mitch Madden – Thank you for sharing your sister-in-law’s story here. I’ve heard too many similar situation like her. Sad to say they can’t be married to the guy at the end (unless of course the wife is dead or they had annulment). They will be named by people here “the other woman”.

          I really hope for the best for your sis-in-law. Good luck to her and to your wife’s family. Thank you so much for stopping by here!

          • says

            Feyma, In response to Kris & in general. My sister in laws situation in the Philippines is a fact as opposed to an opinion. You see,my wife & I have repeatedly sent our money to my wife’s sister over the years in an effort to try and improve her life.We have sent money for her to persue job opportunities in Guam & Dubai. We have sent money to help her start a business,get a job in banking,continue her education etc. Many Pinay’s like Lydia who marry a foreigner or go abroad as an OFW get non-stop bombarded by their relatives back in the Philippines for money because they are desperate. Lydia is likely and rightly suggesting a way out of poverty & hopeless desperation. If anyone believes that money is not a significant motivator in relationships & marriage is in denial. When a Filipino abroad suggests to relatives in the Philippines that they should consider marriage to a foreigner it is just facing reality. I don’t know if Lydia has sent money to any of her niece’s family,but that scenario is likely. You see,if Lydia can help her niece’s marry,they will likely be able to help their immediate family & take the burden off of Lydia’s shoulders. This is repeated often. It is survival. There are many hard working Pinoy’s,but most successful one’s I know in the Philippines have or want a second wife. That is a fact,not an opinion.(Erap had 5 second wives) Although divorce is unlawful in the Philippines,I personally know a family of 8 adults in the Philippines (6 males 2 females) who have never had a successful,stable marriage. I also personally know a well educated Pinoy who has 7 children by 4 different Pinay’s.He pays no child support & regularly tries to recruit new mistresses. Lydia’s nieces will have significantly better odds of having a better life by marrying a Canadian than staying in the Philippines & waiting “For True Love”. In Canada or the USA,a husband and father is held to account for supporting his wife & children.If he abuses or neglects them,there is significant recourse. When a Pinay marries a Pinoy or gets pregnant out of wedlock,she can’t easily escape from her situation,no matter how difficult. My wife & I happen to know a wonderful Filipino couple here in the states. They are both Physical Therapist’s,well educated & come from good families in the Philippines. The husband is not a drunkard or womanizer.He is hard working,honest & straight forward. Hopefully,Lydia’s nieces can find love with a good.honest,loyal Pinoy. The odd’s are better of having an improved life marrying a foreigner.That is so obvious. Just being real.

            • maria says

              why would a young single pinay think to do anything with herself except look pretty and have a good time when she already has a proven money tree? and now her very own baby, surely the money tree will be more obligated, more money. life is easy, getting money is easy. maybe this is the mentallity?

              • says

                Maria,you are so right (tumpac sp?). We ( The Money Tree)have sent an unbelievable amount of money to asawa’s siblings & mother over the years. They call,we fight & then we go further in debt. Some 100 thousand US dollars/5 million pesos to them. If I laid out the laundry list of reasons they claimed they needed pera,you would have a good laugh. My wife insists her family is living in poverty & I am selfish. There is no balance or reason. They call,push her buttons. Our marriage has really suffered. It is reasonable to help out,but there should be limits. Her pregnant sister is already starting to push my wife’s buttons. Guess who will pay the ultimate price for her Love/fun? As you said Marie “The Proven Money Tree” hehe Perhaps I am to blame.I should have ended the marriage as soon as I realized I couldn’t reason with my wife & the marital misconduct (the dissipation of marital assets) would never diminish. She is really a decent person.She is the Ate & was the only responsible one in her family when I met her. Her being responsible is what attracted me to her.What I didn’t realize is her family (even immoral, dishonest,on Shabu & loose sexuality) is more important than her marriage. Well,I’m beginning to complain too much & getting off topic a bit.Better stop it. I have a lot of positive things to say about the Philippines.Just started off on a subject that has pained me and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

            • Miss August says

              I clicked on the thumbs up, since I totally agree on everything you said. But, apparently the site or server decided to do thumbs down.

        • LT says

          Mitch Madden-

          I really don’t know of any woman who will marry a man and have kids with them…. knowing that they will be poor, hungry and homeless :) Not in the Philippines, not in Canada and definitely not in the US!! You sent 100,000.00 dollars already? I did not know that some foreigners has that much extra money laying around in their house heheheh. My!!! you must have a good job and your house is paid for….. or at least these men that you knew? Really really really???

          • says

            Hi Lt. I agree,a woman would be a fool to marry & have a family with poverty in the forecast.It does happen every day,unfortunately. My pinay wife & I have been married 12 and a half years.When we married,I had a very small debt which was generating profit.I had plenty of assets & very few monthly expenses Now,it is opposite. IE: Plenty of debt, small assets & marami expenses (salapi). A significant reason for such a turnaround is cultural. You see LT. in the States A married man or woman first and primary obligation is to his/her asawa & minor (usually under 18 years old)children.Under most situations there is no social or moral obligation for either husband or wife to financially support in any way their adult siblings (kapatid). In the US. there is a degree of social/moral obligation to help out elderly parents if it is really necessary. Having said that, Husband/Wife/Minor children are primary. My wife believes it is our obligation to solve every problem her family (including her adult siblings & their children) have. She can’t tell when they are lying. The results usually indicate they are clearly lying. LT. When I was in my 20′s & 30′s I lived in the back of a truck,while working in 2 miserable factories in order to get ahead in life. I deprived myself of many opportunities for fun,dating,travel & entertainment in order to save enough money to invest in my future. To watch my wife give/waste much of it away has been heartbreaking. If her family had used the pera to make good/become independent (as they/she promised), or if my wife was happy/satisfied that we did our best for them,I could accept it. The problem is after sending all of that money,my wife says her family is suffering just the same & the money has had zero long term benefit. Anyway LT. My wife is basically a good person,has been a good wife & she works hard at her job. The problem is,she believes she is an OFW not a wife in a marriage. Remittances to the Philippines are what is on her mind,instead of paying for marital debt/obligations or building a marital estate. I have gotten a bit personal here exposing my life. Just venting a bit.

            • kris says

              Mitch, that sounds terrible, you and your wife are being used completely. It is not your obligation to support anyone other than your wife and kids.

              • says

                Kris,what you have stated is also my belief as well as folks that are near to me including my family. Before I married,I thought I understood Philippine culture. I figured we could send my wife’s mother 5 or at the most 10 thousand pesos a month & everything would be good for them having a gauranteed income to help them for life. Heck,I have met many Filipino’s in the provinces with no shoes who rarely ever set eyes on a 500 peso bill. Anyway,we have about 30 Pinoy friends here in our community. Some have done as my wife.Some have controlled it & some have good families that never bother them for money. My wife was very poor with no future whatsoever. I figured she would be happy with the life I provided for her & the help to her family.Over time the situation has become unsustainable. I’m afraid our marriage is on its last legs. Neither my wife nor I have ever been abusive to each other,We have had many good memories. But the cultural differences regarding money & family have caused a break down over time.Her family calls for money often. There requests are not small.Usually between 20 and 40 thousand pesos each call. Western Union loves us. I get along great with Pinoy’s. I speak & understand a bit of Tagalog. Appreciate Pinoy humor. Can recite Filipino President’s.Can Name all of the important Islands etc.etc. Also,I have watched 100′s of Filipino movies & soap operas. I appreciate the positive aspects of the culture. I have seen many Fil-Am marriages suffer & some break up for the very reasons I have stated. That is,the Pinay has on her mind an obligation to her family & uses marriage to achieve her ambition.She can’t say NO to the money requests disguised as serious problems! I have observed most
                mature Pinay’s also try very hard to have a successful marriage. But when push comes to shove,the pinay will almost always side with her family (even if they are of low moral character) rather than her husband. Unfortunate,but that is my observation & experience.

              • Ricardo Sumilang says

                I feel for you, Mitch, I really do. I have been following your interesting posts these past few days. In the process of giving advice to Lydia’s nieces about the wisdom, in general, of marrying foreigners for financial security as opposed to marrying the average Pinoy, you have at the same time admitted that you, as typified by said foreigners, have been, and continue to be, a victim of abuse by a Pinay wife who cares more for her family than you or your marriage by squandering the conjugal wealth to support her relatives’ questionable lifestyles. It is admirable that you possess a great love for the Philippines and the Filipino culture, but this took root in 1976 when you lived with a Filipino family in a slum area, long before you married your Pinay wife of 12 years. Some people fall in love with a partner first, then become enamored with her culture next. There are many fishes in the Western Philippine Sea, but you already know that.

                Over the years, I have learned that the most effective way of dealing with stressful situations is not to confront it head-on, but to remove yourself, and I mean literally remove yourself, from a stressful environment.

            • Hawk says

              Mitch:
              It sounds like it’s time for you sit your wife straight. You and she married each other, not each other’s family. Stories like yours are not uncommon around where my pinay wife and I live. Many pinays who marry American men and come to America to live, have to be taught and educated about what it really means to be married. Most of them have been brainwashed and made believe that they are obligated to send money to their families no matter what, even when they don’t have the money to afford. You need to sit your foot down and limit the amount of money your wife sends back home to her family. You’re going to be old one day, and what shape will you be financially when that day comes?

              • says

                Hawk,You are exactly correct. The reason our marriage has come to this difficult situation at this time is that I took my mothers (correct) advice which was exactly the same as yours. My mother said I needed to “put my foot down”. I did. My wife blew a gasket. We have bought her Kuya 2 tricycles & sent him to UAE. We also sent him to rehab to get off of Shabu & bought him some false teeth which was caused by Shabu mostly. If I told you everything we did for my wifes family & the results,you would be scratching your head. I am not a weak person,but at this point in my life,I have questions about my sanity. At 59 years old ,my best earning days & health are behind me.I am not young. It looks like my wife (after everything I have done for her & her family) will walk away with a better life & leave me to pick up the pieces. My dad told me before I got married,that if I wanted to marry a Filipina,It was best to stay in the Philippines. He said I would see a very different person after she gets used to living in the states. She brought Filipino positives/negatives to the states. The problem is,she adopted many of the American negatives,eliminated many of the Filipino positives,while retaining the Filipino negatives in spades.

  2. Axel says

    I understand that you like them to have a good life, because life can be hard here in Philippines, but i do not think it is a good idea to convince someone to do the same as you did. Marriage is about love, nothing else. I know most of filipinas who are married to foreigners, do it to improve life in first place, then love can come – or not.
    Let them find out themself, maybe one day they talk with a foreigner and find out it is not that hard to adopt to another culture, also if the foreigner is “the right one” he will learn to adopt to Philippine culture. It is surely a 2 way thing. He need to learn and accept/adopt just as much as a filipina do. If not the marriage will never be a sucess.
    I would not try to convince someone. I could tell about own experience, that’s it.

    Our story is almost as yours: We’ve (my wife) been living in Denmark for 20 years, but now we have moved to Philippines permanently, even we still keep our house in Denmark for visits.

    Have a nice day
    Axel
    Axel

    • says

      Hi Axel – I don’t think she’s forcing them to marry a foreigner. She even said that it’s not a big of a deal. But she just wants them to think positively of the mix marriages. That it’s not as bad as what her nieces thinks. Plus Lydia was just proud of what she had in her life and wanted to share with the family. I think she respected any decisions that her nieces chooses.

      Nice to hear that you guys are happily married for that long too. Good that you are living the life that you wanted. Enjoy your life here in the Philippines.

      Have a nice weekend ahead!

    • says

      Ricardo,Outstanding post. Great observation & advice. You really pay attention & think things through. I admire those qualities. No doubt,after reading the few posts I’ve put up here,one could easily conclude I have made statements that could be construed as contrary. After reading your keen observation,I thought it best for me to explain. With regard to Lydia’s nieces and my advice/opinion vs. my personal situation/outcome of my marriage. Even though there are general characteristics/beliefs in a given culture,every person,family & marriage has different chemistry that changes over time. Although,my wife has squandered much of our conjugal wealth,our marriage has actually not been that bad on the whole (comparatively speaking). She has certainly benefited and will continue to benefit for the remainder of her life. Same goes for her family as well as the Philippines.As far as my comments re: Lydia’s nieces. In spite of my misfortune,I still think it makes sense for a Pinay to avoid ruling out marriage to a foreigner as long as her situation & future in the Philippines looks bleak (with regard to marriage/family/employment/human rights/gender rights/divorce rights/child support rights/domestic violence protection etc.etc.. And of course the potential spouse appears to be sincere,of good moral character etc.. Of the 30 or so Pinay’s we have known for about 10 years where we live in Oregon,only one has had a failed marriage with a Kano’s during that time (She happens to be the prettiest) Also her Kano husband had previously been divorced from another Pinay. Pretty good odds,It seems. I am trying to separate my opinions/reasoning/logic from my personal experience to the degree it is possible,given the subjectivity & anecdotal reasoning that easily gets confused when one is analyzing oneself. Anyhow Ricardo, your post was more helpful to me than you probably realize.Valuable is a more precise word. There are certain moments in life when someone says just the right thing at just the right time. Your post hit home & sunk in. Thank You,Regards,Mitch

  3. sergioborges says

    hi Feyma!

    Yes, love has it´s own ways. By my side, Im brazilian and we are a mix of cultures, mainly latino, portuguese and african, but improved to what we may call “Brasilian Culture”. I got that Pinays have a strong reference from the North-American or Chinese culture and they couldnt “get” my thoughts sometimes.

    But another intresting point in your article is:

    “all the beliefs we have in our culture. He had to scratch his head and just said wow. You know that we have gazillions beliefs here in the Philippines and it also all depends on what province you are from.”

    I think this topic also worth and article,,, eheheh you make me curious ehehhe

    Regards!

    • says

      Hi sergioborges – Maybe you could share whats the similarities of our cultures. The good, the bad and the ugly. ;-). Kidding aside it would be an interesting topic to know here.

      I’m thinking now of sharing some of those beliefs here. I have to gather them first. Everyone can share too.

      Nice to see you here. Keep reading here. Thank you for stopping by!

  4. mench says

    hi te feyma,
    Kumusta na te.
    I totally agree with Axel. The OP doesn’t have to convince her nieces to do the same thing as she did. Yes she can tell them her experience but its up to the girls to make up their own minds. Sometimes things like this (marriage to foreigners) just happens. I for one did not plan on marrying one lol! But I did and of course we all know it wasn’t easy for the first few years, but if you’re willing to make it work it will work! Imagine starting a new life in a new land! I had to start all over again but my husband supported me in every way. He just wanted me to be independent so one day I will be fine without him, which I really appreciate.

    Hey there is nothing wrong with marrying a Pinoy either. It just did not work out well for me. I did not marry a Pinoy because the Pinoys don’t want to marry me. lol! but my folks have been married for a looong time now and they are still very happy.

    • says

      Hi Mench – I’m good. What about you and family? Good to hear from you. Really in any marriages local or to foreigner adjustments are going to be massive. Plus like what you said the willingness to make it work should be there though. Many can adjust some just don’t. We are one of the lucky ones. Don’t you think so? ;-) You are one lucky woman to find your better half too.

      Hey marrying the local was great too. Like you, I for one can tell here that my parents and lots in my family were married till they died. So it’s really up to the couple to adjust.

      Good to see you again here Mench. Hi to you hubby and your kiddo. Take care!

  5. Gary Wigle says

    I think the lady was thinking about the better life they might have. She is thinking money not the other things that make life good.

  6. mike cowan says

    “Maybe in time they will really realize that no matter who they are married to they have to adjust big time.”
    Feyma, that’s the best understatement I’ve read in a long time.

  7. says

    It is my belief that two people do not need to have “things in common” for a successful relationship.. with the exception of ‘faith’ and ‘family’. If they agree on those two things, the rest they will compromise and work on. But there is little or no compromise on one’s personal beliefs about what faith or family should be.

    If one wants children, the other does not.. I don’t see it working. If one wants to be Catholic and the other Muslim, again, I do not see it working.

    Being of different cultures, for me, is the fun and exciting part in addition to learning about the person. But maybe I just love adventure both in travel and in love. :)

    • says

      Hi Henry Velez – I totally agree too that in every marriage “compromise” should be there.

      ***Being of different cultures, for me, is the fun and exciting part in addition to learning about the person. But maybe I just love adventure both in travel and in love.*** — I’m totally with you too on this.

      Good to see you here again. Thank you for your nice comment.

      Have a fun day!

  8. Donna West says

    I think Auntie should leave love to her neices own hearts. I realize how difficult things can be living in the philippines and i think too many filipina women have prioritized financial stability for true love. I see it here in America. Many filipina wives do not have caring and loving relationships with their american husbands. I believe the philippine culture has encouraged too many ideas of marriage because of financial stability. we are even quilty of that in America only our standards of finacial stability are much higher. My adult son wishes to be lovingly married to a filipina girl but he is planning to come to philippines to find a wife and live there with her . he plans to help her start a small business there and raise their family there. poor economy has taken a great toll here in the small rural communities near where we live here in missouri. he feels no hope living here in america anymore and coming to the Philippines is his dream of a beautiful future. We can see that the new generation filipina girls are a lot more driven by love then financial gain but feel the families of the now generations to marry are not having as much influence on their girl offspring to marry to help the family out financially. Marrying for true love is the only real way to happiness. It makes the adjustments, no matter what they are, not only tolerable but enjoyable. auntie should only hope her beautiful neices will find loving and caring men to spend their lives with. You gave her the right advice Feyma.

    • says

      Hi Donna West – Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your advice here. Really the sad part nowadays many women married someone out of to get something. We have post few articles about mix marriages, adjustments and others here.

      I really appreciate you taking the time to read and post here. HAve a good day!

    • kris says

      Hi Donna,

      Your son will probably have a great time moving to the P.I, i know ive had an awesome time since living here.

      However he does need to keep his guard much higher in BOTH business and relationships when he moves here. Its alot different than the states but if hes smart there are some great opportunities.

  9. Allan Kelly says

    Hi Feyma
    I understand her frustration, but if that is what they decide, they have to live with it. I do see how this will go , though. They will probably marry Philipinos and maybe have a good life. But more likely, they will have a tough time and guess who they will call every time they need money? Their “rich” Canadian aunt. It is the same for almost every Philipino I meet here. They have worked hard over the years and have done their best to help their family in the RP. They usually have a niece ( we do) or sister (we do) and have tried to help her and get her overseas for a better life. Nope. The next thing you know, she is married (or not) with a baby. And the phone never stops ringing asking for money. My wife has finally had enough of her sister, who is married to a lazy bum and the daughter (our niece) who now has a baby, no husband or job. Both could have come to Canada a long time ago, but didn’t want to. Now it is too late. My wife (not me) finally said “No. Tell your lazy husband to go get a job and quit calling us for money”. My wife has a brother, two sisters and a niece in the US. She is the only one in Canada. She has two brothers and a sister in the RP. One brother and the sister have worked overseas before, but always went back home. Only one is there because he had no choice and he bugs the least amount for money. You want to help, but there is only so much you can do.

    Lydia, tell your nieces they can make their own choices. But , they have to live with them. They shoud not expect you to pay for their choices.

    • says

      Hi Allan Kelly – Wow, all the stuff you said I’ve been hearing and seeing that with other people that I met here. It really put pressure and divides the family just over money. At the end you will not even get a thank you from the people you help out. Really at the end you and your wife will do whats best for you and your kids.

      I appreciate you sharing your families story. I’m sure lots of reader here have similar stories like you guys too.

      Thank you for the advice for Lydia.

      Have a wonderful day!

  10. louie says

    Hi Feyma – Perhaps one advice we could give your letter sender is to not convince her nieces at all. The girls with their own reasons said they won’t consider marrying a foreigner, so maybe it isn’t wise to persuade them otherwise. The girls are pure, they were not swayed by a conceived idea of financial security that almost often followed when marrying a foreigner. Instead they foresee a possible cultural differences. Imagine for example if Lydia succeeded in convincing her nieces, and this marriage ended up in disaster? It’s sure the girls love their aunt and have high respect for her, so Lydia should be cautious in giving sound advice for her nieces and be aware of what might be its consequence. There are other Filipinas like Sugar, a contributor here on LIP who professed a preference for foreigner, but that’s another story when you’re avowed partial to foreign men. To each their own as they say. Don’t get me wrong I am not against interracial marriage. There are many successful interracial marriage we could see here on LIP. But it is important to know that the foundation of happy successful marriage is true love and not by any other added consideration. Just my thoughts.

    • says

      Hi louie – I can’t argue more. Thank you for your advice. Highly appreciated. Hopefully Lydia will read the archives here on Lip.

      Thank you for stopping by!

  11. Ricardo Sumilang says

    Nieces, follow your own heart wherever it may lead you, but remember, there is no place like home. Saan ka man mapunta sa mundong it, wala na yatang katumbas ang buhay sa isang bukid na ang hangin ay preskong presko at ang pinakamasarap na pakinggan ay ang lawiswis ng kawayan sa tabi ng ilog at huni ng ibon sa pagbangon mo sa umaga. Are you willing to give this all up to marry someone you don’t love just so you can have eggs and bacon with french toast on the side every morning?

    • Miss August says

      Papano kung wala silang makakain? Ahh… kakainin na lang ang pag mamahal at pag-ibig nila sa isat isa. :-)

      • Ricardo Sumilang says

        Puede na rin yon. Kung nasa bukid ka, meron na meron, kahit na katkatiw at suso man lang. Kung kayo’y nagmamahalan mas masarap ang lasa ng pagkain kahit na kanin at bagoong lang. What good is bacon and eggs with french toast on the side when seated across from you at the breakfast table is someone who is napakadamatan at amoy lupa na. Hahahaha

  12. Jay McDowall says

    My wife was not looking to marry a Kano either. In fact her cousin tried to set her up with an old white Australian, which she said he was to old and pangit. She is happy here with me now, in that, we are learning that Filipino culture and Hawaii’s culture is very similar. I guess when half the population hails from Ilocos Norte, it would be similar. I am glad that those women, are not swayed by the rich kano syndrome, that many internet dating site women are swayed by.

  13. Donna West says

    i would like to add to my earlier comment that my son and I have chatted some young ladies in RP who wish to always stay in the Phils and near their families. I think that is very good and my son and I are relocating to the Philippines because our family here is broken apart so badly we spend all holidays and birthdays at home alone. we are looking forward to having a new family there in RP. It is a sad fact that too many filipinas think the streets of America are lined with gold. i am retired and living well under the poverty level here in america. i do not ask or expect money from my children or relatives. I am not hungry though so it is hard to walk in the shoes of the filipinas who are. It must lead to much desperation. and I realize the auntie does not want it to be like that for her lovely neices. being a single mom in the philippines without government assistance to help them is a very desperate situation. and young ladies should make sure that does not happen to them. I recently introduced our neighbor and good friend to a single mom in the RP because i felt they both needed each other. and hoped love for each other would form. Now he is planning to come to phils to meet her. She is one of the young ladies who wishes not to leave the Phils so my friend has had to make adjustments in his life knowing that if he is to spend the rest of it with his Ana it will be there in Dipolog. My friend has a decent pension to support him and his wife and her child there in the Philippines. So auntie should not worry. Her neices may still find foreigners and not have to leave their homeplace. thanks feyma for sharing this article with us. It gives my son hope that he will find his love there in RP who is not just looking for a ticket to America.

  14. sue-lang says

    I have grown up nieces and oftentimes my advise to them is that education is very important coz its one step for them to have a better future. And they should never forget self reliance and self respect which are both vital in every woman’s life. Although they see me living a comfortable life with my foreign husband, I don’t put too much emphasis on the difference between marrying a filipino or foreigner coz for me, men are men, it does not matter where they come from. Its just a matter of choosing the right partner for you.

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