It’s 0746 on Wednesday the 3rd of July I’ve been online at the LiP site answering comments from the great LiP readers when my wife dashes into the Sanctum Sanctorum or the Puter room and again prefaces her comment with “Honey- honey” I thought to myself Ahh Crap, what on Earth could it be now. Oh how close I had hit the mark with that thought.
“Honey honey the sink in the kitchen is backed up and won’t drain” Mayang explained to me. I pondered on that fact for a second, jumped up from my seat, went to the kitchen looked at the pipes and drains and stuff, and I turned to Mrs. Thompson and said; “Mahal-Mahal call a plumber!” Ricky-tick there is Boy the neighbourhood plumber under the sink, using my tools as he has none, and I’m thinking; Wow, he can’t be much of a plumber.” Not because he had no tools, but because he was too skinny to have “The Plumbers Crack”.
Boy is working away on my drain and he noticed that the drain was not clogged at all, and then he wanted to check the septic tank in the backyard. It was very full but with time the sink did drain on its own. When was the last time the tank was pumped? Oh 8 years ago. Cecil my trusty Son-in-law was dispatched to the home of the local Roto-Rooter man in town, to bring him back to the mountain. Prior to his leaving I told Cecil that extra hose will be required as the empty lot beside our house is now walled in so the truck can no longer park there no less than 100 meters of hose will reach the tank because the truck must park on the street.
The truck (Honey wagon) appeared, and a quick walk through by Roto-Rooter man who was mumblings, looking and pacing off the distance to our tank and guess what? Not enough hose! KANO Paul, did you not mention that? Yes I did, but no one heard me, I’m but a lone voice crying out into the wilderness.
The truck departs with a solemn promise to return on Sunday with ample hose. So why did he bother to make the trip in the first place today? Because no one listens to the old Kano! Will we survive until Sunday? Yes, except the sink will drain slower but what about the toilets? It seems that, that will not be a problem either according to Mr. Roto-Rooter man. Alright, now permission is granted for us all to power scratch our heads, because I couldn’t figure that one out either, is the tank full or not?
Cost quoted, PNP 4,000.00 to pump out the tank, and PNP 800.00 for the extra hose, do I get to keep it? I really hope not. As I plan on power washing every square inch of land the hose touched. Hey, I know where it’s been. Which reminds me of when I was young and my Mother used to tell me and my brothers; “Don’t put that money in your mouth; you don’t know where it’s been.” Years later I’m in a Gentleman’s Club and her words came back to me and I thought; “Now I know what she meant!”
Sunday morning at 0800 and the Honey Wagon arrives, and if anyone doesn’t know what a honey wagon is, then you’ll just have to Google it, but if you’re a former sailor, think about CHT Tanks on the ship.
So the hoses are laid out from the street, across the carport, down the walkway to the backyard and across the yard to the septic tank and the smell is horrific, the Government of the Philippines does not print enough money to get me to do a job like that. I swiftly departed the area.
Being curious I asked Roto-Rooter guy where the end product of his labours goes after he drives away. I was surprised by the answer. It seems that somewhere near Eba Zambales there is a place that converts the effluent into methane gas. I learn something new every day, you just have to ask. But I do feel for anyone who built their house on the same road as that plant.
One hour later they announce the truck is full and they are done, my tank is still half full so I say to them; go dump the truck and come back to finish the job. There was Major-major head scratching on the part of the Roto-Rooter crew. But I explained to the guys that this way they don’t have to come back and do it again in a couple of years, if my tank is empty than I’ll see them in eight years instead. That made sense to them and off they went.
Before the head Roto-Rooter guy left he told Mayang that we should separate our gray water system from our toilet system and the tank would last up to twenty years. I know he’s right, but let me finish what he said,”Just cut the (*Gray water) lines into the storm water runoff pipes and dump it into the street.” I know little of the building codes in the Philippines, but I can’t see that as being legal.
* GRAY WATER is from sinks and showers.
The cost of digging up all the lines and installing another holding/drainage tank would have to be quite a bit more than pumping out my system every eight years. Not counting the fact that disobeying the law is never allowed by the “Kano”. I will agree that it would have been a great idea in 1999 when I was building the house. But; it is just one more example that I should have studied harder in school when the teacher tried to tell me about EPIMETHEUS – the Greek god of Hindsight.
So here I sit wondering what possibility could happen to me next? What will be left to write about the rest of the month and into the future? Then I smiled, and asked myself just one pertinent question; “Where do you live Paul?” Then I knew, the light bulb had appeared over my head, and the answer came to me. “Paul, you still live on a mountain in Bataan, have no fear, something unusual odd or funny will happen sooner than even you can expect.” So until next week…
Proverbially and literally, It seems that when it rains in Bataan, it pours, doesn’t it Paul? It wasn’t that long ago when you shelled out $1984.00 to coax the tired and reluctant new ole Honda to rise up from the ashes for what maybe the last time, and now this? Although by U.S. standards, the plumbing expense of P4800 is a steal, I can almost hear your lovely bride groaning: ” When, oh, when will we ever get around to replacing our kitchen cabinets, mahal ko, naka-kaasar naman talaga, noh?”
John;
Well it is the rainy season, the car was money well spent as I saved $18,000.00 on the cost of a new car. But you’re right the plumbing bill came out of nowhere to bite me on the butt, now I’m reaping all those days at sea when I couldn’t spend a dime and banked 80% of my pay.
As for her cabinets they were made out of hardwood by an older man who knew what he was doing, so they are fine. But new counter tops made from granite is something she’s thinking about. Her logic; is all the money we saved on the car!
well that was a crappy story 😛
Craig;
Yeah wasn’t that some Effluent and flotsam?
Ha ha… yeah, the crap was really flying today, Craig Wellock. 😉
Ahh Bob;
Think about all that your readers learned to day about a subject no one likes to talk about or smell for that matter. (LOL)
The s___ just hit the fan!
Jun;
Thank you, I’ve been waiting for someone to use that expression! I left it out of my story just for that reason! My work here is Done!!!
I had to have mine pumped shortly after arriving here this year and when I ask where the cover was, “oh right there where the pipe comes up out of the floor”. How do we get it up? Just chip out the cement floor(top of sewer tank). I see said the blind man. Pumping is complete–Do we build cover that lifts out–no– to much trouble, just cement floor back in. It is more fun in the PI.
Loren;
I know we’ve been here long enough because it just makes sense to me. My covers can be lifted off, but I think your way is better and I’m going to cement them shut. Right after I send all my gray water to the fish pond.
For the fish to really do well they need the real stuff. Maybe you could arrange to have the large german browns diverted after the flush to the pond.
Loren;
On the ship’s they were called brown groupers before they put in the holding tanks (CHT), not to be confused by the square groupers (Bails of Pot)
Hi Paul,
That’s funny about the plumber having no tools and using your tools–we’re familiar with that too. No butt crack–you kill me!
Our second house has a previous septic tank already in place as we tore down a smaller pre-existing house, but kept the tank It has been checked and they said it was fine, but I kind of have this sinking feeling in the back of my mind what we’ll have to do out in the province when the time comes to pump it. I’m thinking there’s a simple solution but I don’t know it yet.:)
The first house we built had allowances made for our gray water from sinks and showers to run off into an empty lot. At the seaside that isn’t really doable…
You shouldn’t worry Paul about running out of ideas. Never a dull moment in the Philippines!lol
Hi Queenie;
Running the gray water into an empty lot, would be fine until the lot stopped being empty. I wish I’d thought about a separate tank for that, but I was fresh from the states where we never have to think about that unless we live in the boonies.
There must be a Roto Rooter guy in the town you live, who can pump your tank, I found one, anybody can..
Hi Paul …yes we can not forget the septic tank. I am moving to Davao in a few months
( I hope). We already have a home for over 7 yrs. and we had to pump out an old septic tank and dig a new one farther away from the kitchen outside wall. You surely got a bargin for 4800 P. The Kano price for me was 7000P to empty 14 years? of stuff…..I am sure I will look forward to new adventures as I make my home in the PI….
Dave;
The adventures are unending, but it makes life here fun. PNP 7,000.00 seems a tad high, but it depends on the amount of trips the Roto Rooter guy has to make. I do wish I’d known about separating the gray water when I was building the house.
Gee, Paul, every week you seem to come up with new $#!+ — how do you do it?
😆
Paul;
I just wake up in the morning and wait for the next event to happen. It works every time. I sometimes wish it didn’t.
We had a cr built before we moved into a rent house (got rent credit for the construction costs). They put in a 2 level septic tank – I really know nothing about them. A short tank that flows into a deeper tank, it seems. But it should last quite a while because only the toilet is piped into it. The cr and kitchen sink just dump outside, ans well as the floor drain in the cr, for showers. They later came to put in a laundry room and put a hole in the corner of the wall for drainage… Sanitary sewers systems – More fun in the Philippines!
Tim;
One side is for solids, and the liquid spills to the other side where it SHOULD leach into the earth and be pure again after passing through 50 feet of dirt. As you dump the gray water on the ground, I can only hope you have city water and not a well.(lol)
Paul,
Honey wagon. I remember that term. I haven’t heard that in a while. I also remember more colorful terms.
Jeff;
As a kid in Boston I’s see them once in a while, but Bob Martin was happy that the terms I used were not as graphic as we remember.
Paul,
We were just cracking up while reading your article. Reminds me of a time when I was in the Marine Corps. One of the Toilets got stopped up in the barracks by a “live one” as the plumber said. He had to detach the toilet from the floor to finally unstop it.
Randy;
That would be hard to do in most places in the Philippines as they cement them to the floor. Please don’t ask me why!
Wow. I think after your eventful weeks, I’m glad to have to scrounge for stories some weeks. I guess a slow week CAN be a good thing. 🙂
Scott;
Since the big pump and dump, three other things have come up. Never a dull moment in the land of enchantment.
It all sounds truly luxurious compared to where I live in China ! About twice a year, the drains for our school’s dormitories require unblocking. This is accomplished by a team of men with 2 baskets on carrying poles, who descend into the drains, scoop out the contents with their bare hands into the baskets which are then carried down the road to a waiting truck, wherein there is another ungloved man who empties the baskets into a container which appears to be nothing more than a piece of plastic sheeting. All this is done with an air of cheerful nonchalence, as though it were the most normal job in the world. “indescribable” is the only word for the smell. I dread to think how little they get paid, but I can’t begin to think of a sum of money large enough to persuade me to do it !
Philip;
From what I saw that was the way Europe did it 150 years ago, so give China a little time, I’m a bit surprised they’ve not found a way to become rich of the waste product. And you’re right, there isn’t enough money printed…
Thanks for the laughs dude.
John;
You are most welcome!
If things going bad happens in threes, you should be in good shape for a wile now Paul. The new old Honda, The Dongle and now this. In comparison, the 4000 PHP to have your tank pumped out ( did that include the second visit ? ) is less than half of what I would pay here. The last price I knew of was $250 USD for a 500 gallon tank. The EPA closed down some of the transfer stations where the Honey Wagons used to unload so now they have to travel farther. Now the town here is coming up with manditory regulations that all residents have to have their tanks emptied at least once every 5 years. As time goes on it seems it is getting more difficult and more costly to get rid of ” The Effluent ” as you so well put it. Thanks for another informative article Paul.
Bob;
That proves there Is there nothing a politician won’t try to regulate? Albeit this subject is nearest to their knowledge expertise. But that 5 year rule would sure be fun to see how they could regulate that, some form of turd alarm in the council chambers? That could never work as there are different size systems. Yes the price was for one trip, it was a thousand peso’s more for trip two, but everything was already set up. I don’t know why I forgot to mention that above, oh yes I was hiding!
As an FYI… Those services are often referred to as “pozo negro”. In most subdivisions you see flyers glued to the electric poles nearby (Just an FYI since those services, when needed, are usually needed urgently)
John;
I used the term “Roto Rooter’ to give a common reference that our readers who do not reside here, that they could relate to. Thank you for bring up Pozo Negro, as a local clarification to my term.
Hi Paul, and John too,
Well this has been an enlightening read, he hah.
Some years ago I was sitting in a rural tavern in Wisconsin having a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer enjoying the conversation. It was about septic tanks. I lived in town and didn’t know anything about them, so I listened and learned. I remember it to this day; lf you have lost the location of your tank look out into the yard and the tank will be under that square patch of grass that is greener than the rest of the yard. Doesn’t work in the winter though.
‘pozo’ hmm…. I recall that in about ’65 there was a song out by the name of Guantanamera by the Pozo Seco Singers. The group’s name was kind of puzzling. I now know where the pozo part came from I think.
Now I will kick back and imagine myself having a Cerveza Negra beer, listen to Guantanamera on youtube and ponder where the Seco part of their name came from.
Jade
Jade;
My grass stays green because of 17 dogs, but the septic tank might help,. Pozo means well Seco means DRY So, dry well is what it comes out to. But I really don’t care as I too like that song, but I’ll have a cool SMB with mine!
howdy jade, pozo seco literally means ‘dry well’ — or ‘dry septic tank’ to be precise ” )
cheers,
BizDoc;
Did I translate Dry Well wrong above your comment? And when you say the septic tank to be precise, are you using a Spanish translation or the Tagalog one?
Well done Paul ,you decribed so well, the manure sitution, and the human drama around solving the problem. Yes hear it makes great gas energy. Your waste is powering a lot of stoves ,hehe.
James Dougal;
Blue Flame Peoples Gas, every teenager knows about that, but it’s unlike natural gas which is odorless. (lol)
Hello Chief,
Nice article. I am going to have to have that done as well. Seems the toilet is getting harder and harder to flush. I live in the mountains in Bagac so I will probably have to find someone to drive up here from Balanga. On a side note…I am kinda surprised that I have not run into you yet. I am in Dinalupihan (DInBat) at least four or five times a month. My wife is from Balsik just a few clicks down the road. Normally when I get to Balsik I get a full report of every white guy spotted since my last visit…(sounds funny, but as you know very true). Have you hit the new (fairly new) Mexican food place (“Tito Bob’s)…? He is also American and a friend of mine. I try to go there when I am in town. When I first saw the place I nearly gave myself whiplash hitting the brakes to stop and have a taco (or 4). I will be in DinBat later this week to pick up a computer…I plan on becoming very active on this site once I get the computer here to my house. I am not hard to spot riding on my motorcycle in DinBat…White guy in a tank top…red motorcycle…red helmet.
James Monson;
To tell the truth I get to Din Bat very seldom, as I live closer to the toll booth as you leave Subic Free Port. (About 3 minutes drive)
If enough money is involved you should be able to get the Honey Wagon up the hill, but make sure they bring extra hose.
Now that I know there is a Taco Shop in town, I’ll make the trip, There are quite a few Kano’s in the Din Bat area, but they hide very well.
Hi Paul, if James hires the same Honey Sippers as you did, they should have enough hose that you paid for, lol.
Like the say about back flowing head, it happened on our cutters, too. Same situation, just after departing Key West after two days of R&R/re-ssuply. One thing for sure, If the Sh*t hits the fan, it’s not distributed evenly, the lowly ones gets to clean-up the mess.
Mars
Mars;
Hey Shipmate on that Cutter what happened just proves an old Military Axiom “Crap does flow downhill”
As for the hose, Roto-Rooter guy, took it with him, I was just renting it! Sorry James!
In the Philippines, conversations usually end when the talks turn to crap. Friends would comment, ‘This conversation is about to end since we are already talking s***.’ This time it’s the other way around.
Mike;
How true on both counts, it’s better than talking smack!
Hi Paul, enjoyed the story. I read the news and get upset with the world and the lack of good ole common sense. It is good to read something of that is not life or death, just an everyday natural event! Reminds me of the time we put out to sea, after a night on the town. Of course our seasoned veteran sailors (E6 & above) could not leave port without supporting their favorite watering hole. For the old time submarine sailors it is Standard Operating Procedures (SOP) to blow sanitary tanks upon leaving port. Of course we do the proper tagging, and closing of the water closets, but then who am I, but a lowly TM3 who is only doing his job. Well to make a long story (sea story) short what went down came back up. What a mess, needless to say all of his prior nights intake and of course some extra with chocolate & nuts on top exploded, all contained of coursed within the water closet (head/toilet). The price of a night out was paid for by doing his duty and cleaning his mistake. I need to clarify something, the sailor was a TM1(E6), for those who do not know a Chief never drinks, just ask Paul he will verify!
Doug Kelley, Cubi Point (75-76)
Hey Shipmate Doug;
I commissioned the LY Spear AS-36 and that was my first time around Submariners, then when I was sailing MSC as a civilian, I met another sub sailor who was the chief steward on one of the ship’s, Charlie was from Philly and one of the wildest Irishmen I ever had the pleasure to pull liberty with. He took me on a tour of an old diesel boat that was now a museum by the USS Arizona pier in Pearl. He tried to show me what had to be done to just flush the toilet and that’s when I was pleased that SHCS’s didn’t ride the boats. Oh I knew a few TM’s in the CAN Navy where we had the old Mark 48’s. The TMC said if you launched 48, one might hit something.
A Chief never drinks.
But if he does…
Hi Paul,
This article does bring back some memories.
Being brought up in the boonies i used to help out on a Dairy Farm from 12yrs of age. I also did a one year work experience on the same farm after leaving school, destined for Agri College. Shovelling crap was my game, lol.
Never got to Agri College as one day the penny dropped and i ran off to the Navy, i just couldn’t envision a lifetime of shovelling crap.
The old adage “Where there is muck there is money” didn’t quite work out for me.
Chas;
From shoveling it to taking it from Officers, but still I agree with your decision. I was a city boy, and a farm was where Timmy and Lassie lived on TV.
My ex girlfriend from China used to live in the outskirts of town and her family had an outhouse. They had a farmer come around twice a week to take the “nightsoil’ away for free as they used it for fertilizer. A problem arose when other farmers would come by and still their sh!t!
One reason the Chinese would never eat uncooked veggies.
Don;
The same in Vietnam they use human waste to grow crops, now from Monsanto I’d expect that, but China?
Now everytime I look at a money I will know where it might have been, and compulsively clean my wallet. I will never shake hands with the bank teller again. Hey, what about my old piggy bank, gotta soak it also?
Thanks Paul
Bill;
“Mr. Peabody and his Wayback Machine”: in 1965 I was on a Fleet Oiler in Mayport FL (USS SABINE AO-25). The captain, Herman Ballmister would send his pay to the ship’s laundry where they would wash it and press it. Now when he was away from the ship we had no idea how he got his money clean. But after we collided with the aircraft carrier USS WASP we didn’t see him again. True story!
Whenever I’m in the Philippines I notice how poluted the rivers are. It seems that they’re being used for sewers. The Romans had a better sewage system. If I was going to complain about the Philippines, this would be one of those subjects. Someday, the philippines may abandon the use of septic tanks, and go for a more 20th century approach, utilizing a central sewage processing plant…..
Naw, Not in my lifetime
Hudson;
Not in your life time is right, I can’t get a landline or cable TV, what are my odds on a sewer? When I was in the Navy anytime the ship was in Naples I’d take the train (Fifty cents) to Pompeii and Herculaneum, so you are right about the sewer systems they had. Until we catch up with the Romans, septic tanks it must be.
Paul,
I must say that after reading numerous articles here on LiP I do believe your articles are my favorite to read. The style, the humor, and always the content is very amusing, insightful, and interesting. Thanks for laughter and entertainment. I always look forward to reading your post.
Chris;
I only talk about things that we encounter everyday here, they are funny, if you stop to think about them. 22 years in the US Navy has shown me that funny stuff happens all the time, but you should never point that out to Officer’s if you ever want to make Master Chief but Senior Chief was okay. I also know that the dumb rules you encounter here were made up by the bosses above them, never the person you’re dealing with.