I am writing and asking you guys that live in a house with multi-culture environment, are both partners willing to give and take or learn from each other? I am going to give more about Bob and I as an example. When Bob and I were writing to each other, before we were married, I was so shy and naive. Hey I was young, a few months shy of graduating college. I was brought up with conservative parents in a more old fashion way. Bob, on the other hand was brought up conservative way but was brought up that he can and will say what he thinks. In short not shy at all.
Well anyway, after few months after we were married I went to the States. Being there changed everything. Bob showed and taught me how to live the life there. It didn’t take long for me to learn his side of the culture. I mean not all, I’m still learning more and more everyday even now. When I went to the States I don’t know how to cook. Being the youngest of 10 siblings (7 are alive right now) and with so many cousins and with my aunt that spoiled me. They did almost all the cooking. So I don’t really know how to cook Filipino dishes. I don’t think it’s laziness because I really like to help out in the kitchen before. I think it was just too many kids in the kitchen and it just a bother to the older one that’s cooking.
So living with Bob in the US, he did most of the cooking I mean 80% I think. I am just a good helper, I will helped out on the cleaning afterwards. Then whenever my mother-in-law cooks for the special occasions, same thing I will help a little on the cooking but helped out most on the cleaning afterwards. I could not even cook macaroni and cheese in the US even if the instruction were in the box. I know it’s kind of pathetic don’t you think? But that’s just the way it was for us. Bob really had patience on that. Hats off to him on that. He even cooked Filipino dishes there. Bob was also learning and still learning more of my culture. Same with me I did learned the American culture and knowing his family and still doing it.
But when moving here it changes everything then. Watching Bob sweat to high heaven when cooking, I was thinking I had to do something. I felt sorry watching him sweat so much. So I really learned and studied on how to cook American dishes that he is used to when we were in the States. Guess what? I learned and cooked until now. Now Bob and the kids are kind of spoiled though. They will tell me and my niece what they like and we usually cook it for them. Jean is good now in cooking foreign dishes too. Really all of us are learning. Living back here for a long time now taught Bob more of the Filipino culture. He learned how to speak the local language. It shows that he really tried his best to fit in here. I’m really so proud of him for that.
Anyway, I think being married no matter if its the same race you had to adjust with the other person in your life. How much more if two cultures blend into one. With two culture you have to work double hard, or more. Are you willing to adjust and compromise with the other person in your life? With Bob and I, no questions asked. We did and we did compromise and are still doing it until the end. With us, lots of things we both decide, minor stuff one of us will decide. We’re almost on our 25th year of marriage and let me tell you it’s not an easy ride. Rough rides along the way. Good and bad through the years. But we talk, we understand and we compromise. Love and trust should be there always.
Really all married people or lovers or boyfriend/girlfriend, both partners should really learn from each other. It’s not just one partner will do all the adjusting and the understanding. It should go both ways. I can say more but I would like to hear from you guys. Feel free to share your thoughts.
Have a good Holiday Season!
Yes
Thank you Juliana.
Happy Holidays!
Feyma;
First that is a wonderful family picture. My wife and I after 20 years have adjusted very well, with me being an easy going person I can overlook things that might set another person off or start an argument. If I do point out something that is bothering me I do it in a polite manner to both my wife and my daughters. Or sometimes I’ll feel it is so un-important I just never mention it at all.
Life is a compromise, and the better you are at doing it the more relaxed your life will be.
Hi Paul – Thank you so much Paul. That picture was taken just before our Thanksgiving meal this year. It’s kind of unusual for all of us to be in the same photo. One of our son hates having his picture taken. LOL.
Hey, you got a good thing going with your wife there Paul. You guys still and keeps going strong everyday. You both seems to be happy couple. It shows on your post and your character. Hats of to you and your wife. Keep it up my friend.
Have a good holiday season. Have a great day!
Paul,
I agree! The picture is awesome! Secondly, congrats on being one of the good guys! Sounds like you have a wonderful, happy, and loving family unit.
Happy Holidays!
Bill
Hi Feyma –
Yes, by your definition, our family is what you would call a multi-cultured family. There are three cultures at play. They overlap, but not contradict one another, although one culture is more dominant than the other two as the family goes through its natural growth. The American culture has always held sway over the other two from the early years to the present – the Arab and Filipino cultures – since we live in America and all our kids and grandkids were brought up the American way.
If you set aside the dominant culture aside for a moment, and examine the relationship between the Arab culture (my wife’s) and mine, I would say that in terms of compromise during the early years of our marriage, I usually deferred to my wife wishes and decisions in practically all perceivable situation, for to do otherwise would have automatically found me in the doghouse, and all our kids would be on her side.
My wife is Muslim, but religion is never discussed at the dinner table. We are not a religious family anyway. My wife is an awesome cook of many popular Filipino dishes, having learned it from my Dad when we lived with him temporarily in Monterey in the 1970s. In many Arab social gatherings since then where food is served, my wife’s lumpia, pancit, and chicken adobo (never pork) never failed to impress and are usually a favorite conversation piece among Arab and American friends and relatives. They disappear from the buffet table almost as quickly as replenished despite the presence of the ubiquituous roasted lamb, which is supposed to be the main feature.
We have been married for so many years now that we both know what each of us is thinking or feeling in any given situation. We think as one, hence the word compromise hardly ever enters the equation.
Hi John – May I ask how you met your wife? I’m just curious. I am guessing you were both in the States and met in person, but not certain.
Hi Bob –
Yes, you may, Bob. We met at the Library of Congress where I was then employed. She was with a group of tourists visiting Capitol Hill. The group had lunch at the LOC cafeteria, and I somehow managed to “insert” myself with the group while they were dining. I was able to have a few words with her, and gave her my phone number. The rest is history, Bob. 🙂
Oh, in case you or anyone is wondering how we were able to get married with me being non-Muslim at the time. I had to convert. We were married at the Islamic Temple in Washington, D.C.
John,
I’m glad Bob asked the question. I was also curious! Thanks for openly sharing your story. I find it heart warming when people can look beyond the stereo-types and see the good in all people. You and your family have been clearly blessed!
Bill
Interesting story. thanks for sharing.
Hi John,
I was wondering why you did not comment on my last article, Filipino vs. USA: Pig Cooking. Now I think I know.
Wishing you a safe and happy vacation!
Take care,
Jay
Hi Jay –
Relax, it’s not what you think. LOL I hope you haven’t changed your perception of me. My not commenting on your last article about pigs had nothing to do with my having converted to my wife’s Muslim faith in order to marry her. I just didn’t have anything substantial to contribute to your article, Jay.
As I have mentioned above, we are not a religious family. I don’t go around carrying a prayer rug, nor does my wife wear burqa. All our kids and grandkids are as American as can possibly be. Yes, we celebrate Christmas with all the trimmings. We are just a typical, ordinary American family living on Main Street, USA, holding a worldview that is neither rooted nor shaped by religious and political extremism of any persuasion.
So, from my family to yours, we wish you a Merry Christmas!
Hi John,
I have no problem with you even if you were a religious Muslim. I am a big supporter of freedom of religion.I just linked my article on pork to your abstaining from pork. My neighbor on one side is a Vegan so I would not expect her to comment on my article either if she were to read it. I always like reading your take on things. I as usual was being my arrogant self thinking that what I write is so interesting that there had to be a reason for you to not weigh in on it..
I just kind of assumed you were Catholic because you were Filipino which is stereotyping on my part. My Vegan neighbors husband actually thought the Philippines was predominantly Muslim country because of some of the things he had heard in the news here in the USA.
we do
Mrs Feyma,
Totally agree with everything you said! Hope your family has a wonderful Christmas Season.
Feyma,
Great story and insight. It holds water because it’s coming from a person that has ‘lived it’. I take your experiences to heart and really value your thoughts on this matter.
Pertaining to your question…….. I believe in my heart that I am VERY willing. Otherwise, I would not have chosen this beautiful country I now call HOME.
God Bless / Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Your friend – Bill
Personally speaking, absolutely!!
Nailed it Feyma! Have a wonderful Christmas.
Westerners married to Filipinos or Asians generally have huge differences perhaps, I am an Asian man married to a Filipino woman. We both are of the same age group. We get along very well, and almost 99% match in compatibility, values, food habits and so forth, we share the same religion too. Initially my parents were not so sure , not because of her race or country but more to do with the class system, but later after they met her they were very happy to have her, and in fact in the last 10 years, we never fought over anything cultural difference related. Again, with more and more Asians getting westernized and globalization being spread to all parts of the world, the difference between most Westerners and Asians will narrow. You would be surprised how similar many young Filipinos with their choice of music, clothing, dreams are to many young moderate Americans or other Westerners. The real problem at times i see in the Philippines is with some Westerners who may have a huge age difference from their Filipino wives (something largely discouraged in other Asian cultures or even prohibited by parents of the woman), they tend to have more fights with expectations being two different directions more or with some Westerners who had multiple partners in the past/divorces and then carrying all the bitterness and baggage and dumping on the Filipina. No offense intended to any westerner, just sharing my view point.