Well it’s great to be back in the Live in the Philippines fold. Thanks for inviting me back, Bob. For those I know, hello there, good to see you again.
For those who don’t know, you can read my previous Live in the Philippines articles here.
So now that I am back and have written one whole (short) paragraph, I’m going to turn my article over to a guest author …
I have a rendezvous with Death
At some disputed barricade,
…
It may be he shall take my hand
And lead me into his dark land
And close my eyes and quench my breath—
It may be I shall pass him still.
…
But I’ve a rendezvous with Death
At midnight in some flaming town,
When Spring trips north again this year,
And I to my pledged word am true,
I shall not fail that rendezvous. (my emphasis)
Alan Seeger. 1888–1916
Recognize my assistant author? Some of you might also be familiar with a famous nephew of his, Pete. Or maybe he’s too far back in the annuals of time for you too.
One thing for sure. Alan kept his rendezvous back in 1916, Pete will keep his someday, and so will I and so will you!
Why did I get started on this somewhat maudlin and depressing theme?
None Of Us Gets Out Of Life Alive
Well, certainly I’m not all that interested in thinking about death. I don’t dwell on it, don’t look forward to it, don’t want to spend any more time planning for it than I absolutely have to.
But death won’t be denied. It just keeps jumping up.
Very recently, when Bob and I were emailing back and forth about me coming back into the “fold” here at LIP, I got notified that a very good friend of ours had just passed away after spending weeks (several months, really) in a stroke-induced coma. She wasn’t all that old, either … way younger than me. RIP, Ellen.
Then, while we were emailing back and forth about how her family was getting on, funeral arrangements and such, my dear wife, sitting next to me blurted out, “Oh My God, James Gandolfini just died”.
You know, Tony Soprano? A veteran of many other successful stage shows, TV series and movies (in fact his latest movie has just been released). Rich, successful, talented, brand new baby girl, beautiful young wife, and only 51 years old himself … same age as my young wife, and wayyyy younger than me. And able to afford the best of everything, especially medical care.
Didn’t do him any good. The time for his rendezvous came and James did not fail it. You no longer have to fear the FEDs, Tony. RIP.
While my wife and I were making plans to fly down to Davao City to attend our dear fiend Ellen’s funeral, my wife’s cell phone buzzed with an incoming text. A prominent and dear uncle in her (our) family passed away suddenly, so suddenly we were off to a different funeral.
And the sage (of course) continues.
So What’s Your Point, Dave?
Well it’s pretty simple, really. The only way to can control anything that happens after you’re gone is to make provisions now, while you’re still alive. Overly simplistic? Perhaps, but in more than 10 years of dealing with the issues of moving to the Philippines, dealing with family in the Philippines, living in the Philippines and, yes, dying in the Philippines, I have seen one consistent, sad and yet avoidable problem.
People die, every day, and make no provision for what will happen when they die.
Not long ago I wrote an article on my own blog about this:
What will happen when you die?
and I got an encouraging number of comments, thoughts and opinions, but sadly, most were only about benefit issues, such as Social Security pensions and the like.
Important to be sure, and I plan to talk more on benefits, especially for our readership who are US military retired and US civil service retired.
But what about the most pressing and difficult to deal with things that happen right around that magic “Rendezvous”?
Let’s Talk Now, Not What Checks Start Flowing 6 Months From Now
Here are a few things everyone, young or old reading these words needs to think about.:
- You get hit by a bus, or do a “Gandolfini” in the shower one day. How will your loved ones carry the costs of your medical expenses? You know, only a little over 2 years ago, my dear father-in-law went (suddenly) to the hospital and a week later he passed away. The hospital bill was close to P200,000. Not his funeral and other after death expenses, just, essentially, the cost of dying. You (we) all have to die, but you likely can not even die for free. Someone will pay, the question you need to think about now is, who will you saddle with that responsibility?
- Suppose you suffer a stroke or some similar vegetative condition. How long should you be kept alive? Want to linger for weeks and months, running up millions and millions in bills? Who will make the decision and who has the legal capacity to make the decision when it is needed? Hint, your 20 yo girlfriend who doesn’t even know your real name, and who has no income except what you’ve been giving her probably lacks knowledge of your wishes and most likely lacks legal capacity to make that decision in the Philippines? The time to decide how long you’ll linger is now, because you can’t make the decision after “it” happens.
- Once you stop breathing you then become nothing but so many kilos of rapidly rotting meat. “It” can’t lay there in the hospital. Someone has to take charge of it. Should they bury it in the Philippines? With what money? Would you rather be cremated? (that costs thousands, too). Want “it” flown back “home” to be buried? (Hint: the US Embassy won’t do that for you, and the airlines certainly won’t transport a box of dead meat for free).
I Could Easily Go On
But you probably don’t want me too.
Fair enough. But let me ask you one last question … just when Should we talk about these issues?
You tell me, I’m listening.
Hellooo too
@ HAnisweet Visii
Hello back to you. It feels good to be back.
Wisdom to discuss such issues and plan while alive and able. Had a missionary friend pass in Ghana a couple yrs. back and family wanted her buried in Canada. I learned a lot from this situation. Made me think of my trips to the Philippines – that created the necessity of a family discussion should i die while there. Not pleasant but wise and it’s done. Good post, continue on. Thanks Bob.
@ Della
Indeed many of us have had expereinces like that, Della. Even though it’s never pleasant, the only time we can take the burden off our loved ones is before it happens, not after. It’s got to be done.
Thank you Della L. Vank Tyrrell. Dave will be writing on such topics on LiP in the future. I welcome him back to the site.
It’s good to be back, Bob.
Good article. Welcome back
I have degrees in pastoral counseling and had one additional thought based on my hospice work.
I find people often do not have a settled end time belief that allows comfort as they approach the end of life. Taking time to have a rational personal reflection and a discussion when there is no press of illness or after an incident is highly desired.
I am not offering any any philosophies here, but whether you are a Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Atheist, or any other belief, may I suggest that as part of your planning, you reflect within yourself and know how you feel. Having done that, let your family, significant other, etc. know your belief and your peace with that.
Doing so, allows them to have a significant level of peace that they might not otherwise have. Most often, your family will thank the memory of you.
@ LeRoy,
Indeed some very good points. Whatever one’s personal belief system, one ought to take into consideration those whom you have been close to fpr years.
Hi Dave,
Welcome back!
My husband and I are fairly new to retirement and other than having our adult son living abraod appraised of money and property issues, I guess we’re both of the belief of Bahala na,
and whatever happens will happen. I’m not trying to be flip, but end of life issues and where we would be buried will most likely go the way of all my husband’s families traditions and desires, and I’m okay with that.
I’d like to go out ” in a blaze of glory” if possible, but barring that, having the chance to be taken care of at home by Filipino loved ones would be wished, and I guess I’ll be buried with family in our town in the province after a nine-day novena and local funeral
mass. I pray that my strong Catholic family that surrounds me will handle it in the way that they feel best anyway, so I’m pretty okay with that. My seminarian nephew already assures me that he will pay neighborhood children to place flowers at my grave often so that’s a pleasant and romantic thought for me:) ( Please don’t they forget me on All Souls Day either!) I’d like to think that I’ve earned some love and respect among family and friends here over time, and that will hopefully be a nice legacy for me if that happens.
I’ve always been a rather fatalistic person anyway, and my originally coming to a place called the Philippines that I had no prior knowledge of at the time, the meeting and falling in love and marrying of a Filipino, and our future family life and times together I think were meant to be, and I’m grateful for all the many blessings through good and bad times that we’ve had so far.
To continue to live and eventually end my days in the province of Cebu would be a great blessing that I can only hope for and I’ll just “play it as it lays “in the end I suppose. I don’t have much sense of control over it anyway.
Bahala na! (in the best way)!
Anyway presently–as Taylor Swift sings: “I don’t know about you–but I’m feeling 22!
I hope that feeling lasts a long time for me..
Hi Queenie,
It’s good to be back. As long as your immediate family has an idea of your wishes, nothing really more is needed. Sounds like you are blessed with a good one, as I am.
22? Oh my that’s a little old for me. I’m still 16, just seem to have somehow gotten trapped in this old guy’s body ….
Dave: good to see you, as always . Look forward to reading your words, wisdom or otherwise!
Hi John,
Wisdom or otherwise? Well I’;m sure I have plenty of the “otherwise”. Wisdom I’ll have to scratch around for a bit.
Hi Dave
We (myself and my wife) have discussed this many times and although we know what we want to happen and where we will be buried etc., we have our spot picked out but still have not finalized everything.
I know what I want to happen when I go, and I have told my wife many times to make sure it happens. I want a big party, I want everyone to have a good time with singing, dancing and plenty of enjoyment and I want a toast to be raised, that toast must be “here’s to your next adventure Jack” and I will pass on happily, looking down at the ongoing party and ready for the adventure about to unfold.
I only hope she takes me seriously, I find it hard to tell whether she thinks I’m joking or not, she cannot understand why I would want that to happen, but I am very serious about that part.
Thanks for the reminder Dave, it is certainly time to close all issues, not that I intend to go anytime soon even though I have absolutely no say in the matter.
Jack
Hi Jack,
Exactly. Everyone wants to live as long as they can, and I certainly wish that for everyone as well. But there are so many things that just come out of the blue and “gob smack” us every day that we can’rt afford to wait for that ‘oild age someday”. Jimmy Gandolfini really brought that home to me the week he died at the same time we were planning to go to the funeral of our friend Ellen, and then we had actually two close family members die that very same week. Old or young, it happens to us all.
Welcome back Dave,
My wife refuses to think that I will die at some point and refuses to have conversation. I am 41 and have already thought about this and entrusted 2 people to take care of this task. I also have a very solid trust established to ensure my children and take care of and my wife, however it is setup so they only get monthly payments and don’t get out into situations that could harm them. It is important for every person leaving the US to discuss and deal with this prior to or shortly after the move
@ Dirk
Wise words my friend. that’s exactly the sort of thing I was thinking of. I get really sad sometimes, I get messages from young widows, often with little children of American husbands, and they are completely and utterly lost in this world, because their husbands never got them on track with what had to be done in the event of their death.
My wife is also kind of terrified to think of or speak of death also … it’s only natural .. but it’s something which has to be done … kind of like that dentist visit that has been put off too long …
Hi Dave – The first article I have read of yours. A very to the point article that is relevant to all. Look forward to your future articles.
Hello to you, Benton,
I’ve written plenty other articles, feel free to read back …
http://liveinthephilippines.com/category/dave/
some of them still make sense (perhaps others never did, but that’s life here in the Philippines LoL) Be well …
Hi Dave
Nice to see you back here on ” LIP “.
When I was a kid I remember my Grandparents reading the obits section of the newspaper and comment, so and so passed away, etc. I never gave it much thought at the time. Now, like many of us when we have friends and acquaintances that pass away our age or younger even, it does make us think a bit into the future for ourselves.
I am not sure how things apply in The Philippines, but here in the USA I keep hearing about certain things being able to be pre-paid at todays costs such as funeral home costs and other related things. I think a ” Living Will ” is also something that can be arranged for so if someone ends up in a non repairable situation and in a coma, a pre authorization to ” pull the plug ” can be done in stead of prolonging the excessive costs of laying in a hospital bed in a coma with no hope of ever coming out of it. I agree, the best time to start looking into things like this is not to wait until the time they become a rushed necessity.
I look forward to your future articles here Dave, once again Welcome Back.
Thank you, Bob NY, it’s good to be back. Indeed there are pre-need funeral plans available here. can’t vouch for any of them though, and one can also buy a funeral plot or a niche for an urn of ashes (my choice). It really does cost quite a bit, in comparison to many other Philippine prices, just to be cremated .. so it’s a”gift” more of us should think of making for the loved ones in the future. Let me tell you, the first time someone is faced with a foreigner corpse lying (and taking up rent) in a hospital morgue, the enormity of the decisions on “what do I do now” will be staggering.
hi dave glad you are back.
Hi Maria,
Good to be back, thank you.
Welcome back Dave. Look forward to reading your future articles.
Sorting out wills etc is often something we are always going to do, and often never get round to it.
My Mum put money aside in a savings bond which could only be cashed for her funeral. What a great help it was, plus she had added a codicil to her will giving instructions for her funeral, even which undertaker to use. It made our job as executors so much easier.
Good to be back, Marjorie, thank you.
Indeed your mum was a wise and kind woman. It’s important to get a lot of issues at least partially decided and on track long before the formality of a will. I will always be grateful to the lawyer who drafted up my mom and dad’s wills.
He put in a special instruction sheet as the first page that directed the executor to immediately withdraw a few thousand dollars for initial expenses and to draw out money for air fare and other travel expenses to be paid immediately to any children and other named relatives who attended the funeral .. these instructions to be done expressly before probate and other formalities which can often take up so much time. Kind and thoughtful.
As a dear now departed tita of ours here in the Philippines said .. when she sent a substantial contribution without being even asked when we were looking after her brother in the hospital here .. “What use is the grass after the horse has died?”.
Family very often need help with final expenses and funeral costs long, long before any will can “kick in’.
I felt a funeral inside my brain…my mind going numb..then a plank in reason, broke…
Welcome back Dave.
Thanks, Sugar, it’s good to be back.
Dave,
As one of Earl Poole Ball’s songs from his new CD, “Pianography”, is titled… “Something’s Gonna Get Us All”.
Dave,
Glad to see you back at LIP. What would you do if you open the newspaper and see your name in the Obituary? Have a nice day.
Ha ha ha, thanks Greg and thanks Papa Duck. Hmm, what would I do if I saw my name in the obituary column? Probably statrt getting ready to go, as I always plan to be late for my own funeral anyway. perhaps I won’t even show up at all 😉
Hi Dave;
Welcome back, I’m looking forward to your postings.
As for Larry’s comment about the obituary columns I find it very reassuring that the Lord has seen fit to have us die in Alphabetical order!
Within the last fix or so weeks, we have had five people die that were either family, friends, or family of friends. Only one that we didn’t actually meet before their passing. On top of our transition of moving to the PI, these unexpected deaths have been an added stress on me and my wife. Some were older, but seemingly good health, and some were young like me and taken far too soon from their new wife and young child.
One thing that it did do, was to cause us to discuss what we wanted done with our remains when we died, the funeral, etc. While this wasn’t the first time we have been to a funeral since my wife was here, it was the first time that she witnessed the entire process, as it was for a close friend, and we were at the funeral home each day we were allowed, visited with the family beforehand, and tried to be of support. This was the first time she realized that we bury our dead VERY differently than in the Philippines. Here, we don’t have the deceased in the living room while everyone plays cards, and nobody stays up with the deceased all night for days on end until burial. I kind of thing that is pretty cool myself, and the way things were done so many years ago. She also noted that we bury our dead quickly after death. And after some thought I seem to recall the burial process taking longer. What is it with our country and making everything go by faster?
At any rate, we now know what we will do. Hopefully this will not happen anytime soon, but as Bob pointed out, you just never know when your time will come. If I die in the PI, I want to be buried there. I like the idea of friends and family coming to visit once in a while and having a party with me. Pour some lemonade on my grave for a drink, and leave me a piece of pizza. Some good stuff… so you may need to order some from the U.S. 🙂 of course, I do love Kang Kong, so I’ll need some of that too. Oh heck… who am I kidding. You could leave me anything except dried squid and I’d enjoy it at this point. I’ll eat about anything. 🙂 I jokingly say I want my headstone to read: “I told you I was sick”. Always a jokester, even in death.
Amen, Scott. I certainly hope th plans are made way far in advance of when you’ll need them, but you are way ahead of many of us because you have gotten that unpleasant task out of the way. Now can enjoy all the years you have left, and you know you won’t be leaving a sad, burdensome decision on those who stay behind.