I had an email from somebody and wanting some advice. I will not reveal who the person is. I know they read this site and get lots of info here.
Here’s the email:
“My son married a young lady from your country just two weeks after her arrival. I realize she hasn’t been in the States very long, but I’m wondering how long should it take for her to be happy here. She cries a lot and doesn’t seem very glad to be with my son. They are living with my ex-husband and he told me she Sleeps in a different bedroom. That is strange to me. She seems emotionless in all things except grieving over her family back home. Her mother has refused to talk to her which I’m sure has increased her guilt. My daughter in law talks to her sister and brother often but her mom will not. Maybe we should not have done this but we sent money to them in February to start a store in their home. As long as my daughter-in-law was there the store was doing great. Now 4 months after she came to the US the store isn’t doing well and they are pushing for money. $2300 was sent and my daughter-in-law sent me pictures of the renovation and products bought. She did an excellent job getting them started to be self sufficient. Anyway I’m not sure if my daughter-in-law’s guilt is hindering her relationship with my son or if she even likes him at all (from my observation). My daughter-in-law and I talked via email for a year before she came. My son had asked me to travel with him to meet her and her family. And I did. They were very gracious to us. Her mom was wanting my son to move there to the Philippines but his job is here in the US. My son and my daughter-in-law started going to a Phil-Am church in the area where my son lives. On Friday nights they have bible study but my son doesn’t go with her (which I feel he should go to support her) Do you think her family is trying to manipulate her for her to come back. They do tell her to come back all the time. Her mother tried to talk her out of coming over to the US this past year but she was determined to come only to be crying all the time.”
Firstly I do understand what homesickness felt like. I’ve been there and done that. I lived in the States for 10 long years and away with my family here in the Philippines. But I made a commitment goes with the sacrifices to be with my husband. Really when my homesickness strikes before, even late at night Bob and his parents helped me out in dealing with it. I was so happy, humbled and privileged by the commitment they showed me. Bob’s parents, they really open their house late at night for me to go there and just pour my heart out crying to them. They really listened and understood my feelings. They were there for me all the way. It was really difficult at first, but later on I tried to find ways to conquer my homesickness. I tried hanging out with new friends that had been in the States for a long time. Just at their houses for a few hours, just talking and cooking the food that we missed from here in the Philippines. It really helped out a lot. Don’t just sit at home and feeling sorry for yourself. As much as you can, try to learn how to drive immediately after arriving at the places of your husband.
Honestly reading and understanding the email, there is more to it than what the daughter-in-law was telling to the mother-in-law about. I’m pretty sure before she went to the States, her and her husband talked about her living in the States with him. I’m sure the husband told her that they had to live in the States since his job was there. How are they going to survived with their daily needs if none of them will work. It baffles me that the husband and wife are not staying in the room. Too many “why” in our minds right now.
That’s the reason why I wrote this article for you guys to help the lady out with the dilemma she had concerning her daughter-in-law. You guys are good in giving advice here. So here again another family problem that needs to have some solutions before they divorce or hurting each other physically and emotionally.
As always guys, thank you again for your advice and nice comment here.
Cheers!
You’re right feyma, there are too many questions arising from this email. Clearly the guy’s mother is concerned about the situation, but at the end of the day it is for the Husband and Wife to sort out together. I think you’re right in saying that she needs to meet other Filipino’s living in their area so that she has someone she can talk to about her feelings and troubles; and that will probably be the beginning of the solution, but inevitably it will take a while. Everyone is different; of the many many Filipino’s I know, some never stop thinking about the Philippines, while others give it only a passing thought, being happy to have “escaped” the limitations that they feel their lives had there.
Of course, it’s always possible that the husband is trying to avoid her joining the Filipino community for some reason, and that is a recipie for disaster.
Perhaps the husband would care to comment a bit, and fill us in on what he feels, since I assume he’s a reader of this site too?
Hi Jim Hannah – Thank you for the nice comment. Hopefully the husband and wife can sort things out soon. The wife needs to really tell her new family now what she really had in mind so that they know how to help her out.
Yep, the husband should try to go with his wife to the Fil-Am community. Maybe that would be the place that his wife will be happy to hang around with.
Maybe the mom-in-law will.
Thank you for the advice. Have a great day!
well here is my opinion….hehe……i always have many of them about all kinds of situaions. i think it is a little early to tell yet what her intentions are. i do know the filipinas watch out for their family to what ever consenquences it may incur. that may be the case here or it may not be at all. maybe she has not yet found true love with her new husband. afterall, meeting online and never really dating is really awkward. my suggestion to them is that he take her out on dates, show her around town, wine and dine her as if they just met. I think it has to be very very hard for a pinay to adjust to living in america away from her family and friends she has been with all of her life. it has to be so hard for her. also as far as the finances go. i would say her son has done all he needs to do to help out her family. he gave them the resources they needed to provide for themselves. i am sure she worries about them because she was the one who ran the store and made sure they got money for her efforts. now she will have to learn to separate herself from that responsibilty. it is a very sad situation because filipinas are taught at an early age that is there responsibilty to take care of their family when they grow up. and some families would sell their daughters soul to get her financial support. very sad but true . i believe many flipinas who marry foreigners must feel so obligated to make sure their family is taken care of back home. but somewhere, they must know where to “draw the line” on their families needs. i believe that could be the ruination of a filipina/foreigner marriage. if she thinks it is necessary to send them money continually, then she should get a job to earn money to send them and he should bow out of the family back home responsibility. If he doesnt send the family money, he will soon know if she married him for his love or for his money. give her time and love and care and let her family stand on their own now that they have been given the means to do so. i hope it all turns out ok.
hi Donna – Thank you for the advice and suggestions for the couple. I really appreciate you thoughts on this matter. I really hope and pray that the couple involve will stay together despite all the trials they are facing right now. Trouble like this could lead to a big depression for the lady and it will not be a happy life for them.
I’m really hoping for the best for the husband and wife and the family!
I think age is an important factor. If the wife is very young, there is much personal discovery and growth that must take place. And growth can be a painful process. But what appears most worrisome to me is the wife sleeping in a separate room. Unless there is a medical reason for this, like the husband has a horrible snoring problem, then this sends up red flags for me.
Two bits of advice which are really one. First, do not try to force your wife to do something she does not want to do. Second, when people tell you what you “should” do, a valid response is to tell them not to “should” on you.
Hi Jamie – About the age? Not sure on that though, but it could be. She has to do something soon before its too late for both of them. The husband might just let her come home and stay in the Philippines for good. Then that’s not gonna be good for their marriage then. Gosh, it’s really to complicated to say.
Anyway, thank you so much for your advice. Highly appreciated. Have a great day!
Culture Shock? Probably ! I went through the same thing with my wife (we slept in the same bed though). I took the time to be there for her every minute I could and supported her in everything she wanted to do except sending money to her family. I even went to church with her (luckly i wasn’t struck by lightening) and with time we became closer and closer and her pain of homesickness finally went away. She met new friends and learned to drive and joined a filam association and stays very busy with that. Over time we send money to her family but only for christmas and thats it. Even she knew her family needed to stand on their own two feet as they were doing ok before we were married, the only change to her family is she’s no longer there and one less mouth to feed. Donna West may have said it best: “If he doesnt send the family money, he will soon know if she married him for his love or for his money. give her time and love and care and let her family stand on their own now that they have been given the means to do so”. And if she will not share a bed or even the same bedroom with her husband …wow bells and whisltes going off there. Hope thats not the case for the son and it all works out fine, but it’s a 50/50 relationship..I didn’t expect my wife to immediately be happy when she arrived…how could she?…it was whole new world to her!!!
Hi fedguy – Good thoughts and advice you had there. Thank you for that. Yes, good advice from Donna too. Just really made us thinks why she had to slept in a separate bedroom away from her hubby. They should be together so that they can talk it over what really bothered her. I really think both her and her husband needs to visit a family therapist for now. So that they can open up what really the problem with the wife.
Same hopes as all of us here for them to sort everything out. The sooner the better for them. Hopefully!
Good to see you here. Have a wonderful day!
Sounds like a bunch of loney tunes to me
I watched my future brother in law go through something similar last year, and at the end of the day we all need to understand TAMPO, 2 issues that they had was his ex wife and the fact he was sending monthly checks to the ex and the other was the true culture shock of the USA.
I have learned alot from this as I am waiting for my Fiance’s visa and it should be approved in the next few weeks, plus we have a baby on the way. I have made a point to find as many filipino contacts and groceries that I can to make her transition easy. I also took the point to learn as much about her province and the people as possible so when she talks about stuff, i am some what educated. In our case we are commited to stay in the US for 5 years, so she can recieve my SS checks once she hits 62 when I die. After the 5 years are up, we are headed to capiz and I can not wait!!!
When I first came to the Middle East, I was culture shocked too. I was so afraid of all the Arab people lols……My then bf did not even understand why I was acting like an ignorant mountain person who got overwhelmed by new things…..But usually new things amazes me and I’ve always welcomed new environment so I tried to compose myself and adapted to the new environment. But of course everyone has different way of dealing with adapting to the new things. There’s something wrong with the picture here because the young girl is supposed to be still in ”in-love” state and we all know what people in love can do- no matter how far the distance, no matter where, as long as they are together. She should be at least trying to be happy with him at this stage. There must be a strain in their relationship because I find it odd that she’s so miserable and doesnt even try to work things out for herself. I dont think its because of her age, a lot of Filipinos in their early 20s travel abroad (whether for work or for bf/gf) and sure they miss their family a lot but they cope up. I am not sure if the writer mentioned if the girl has a baby from another guy or something because this maybe the reason of the overhomesickness………
Hi Feyma – Perhaps the mother-in-law can ask the young lady what’s the newlywed’s problem. She’s the only one who can give motherly advice to her daughter-in-law in the absence of her biological mother. Similar to your situation before Feyma wherein because of your husband’s very supportive parents you endure those trying times, and now still happily married to Bob. Maybe she needs all those help too. She shouldn’t feel alone in this situation. Maybe there were problems between the newlyweds. They come from different background and culture. Sometimes it isn’t easy. But perhaps the husband’s parents (specially the mother-in-law) can talk to their daughter-in-law what’s in her heart and then talk to their son about it. The fact that the young lady was determined to come to the U.S. although her mother was against it means she wanted to live with her husband. There could be something that somehow confused her. It could be cultural differences. The husband perhaps can be more patient and supportive to his wife and understand that they were both in difficult situation. It’s good the mother-in-law is very concerned about the newlywed’s situation. She could very well be the one who can help them.
In addition to my post above, I not ruling out the possibility of other reasons the young lady was behaving that way. But perhaps it would be better if they could first start looking at every possible angle of that situation. Just my thoughts.
To me, this whole situation can be summed up in just one sentence: She doesn’t love her husband enough to overcome her homesickness. Period.
Rick could be right. But could it be possible also that the young lady wasn’t just enduring homesickness or she doesn’t really love the husband. Maybe some deeper reasons behind her uncooperative behavior? The email sender didn’t even mention homesickness as the reason for the young lady’s unhappiness. Can’t we take into consideration cultural difference or perhaps incompatibility. This is just a supposition, but what if the husband wanted anything his wife cannot do because it’s against her morals or belief. Sure they help the wife’s family financially, but that does it gave the husband the right to do whatever he want to his wife? Does he owned her now? (again just surmising). Marriage I know is a partnership of two equal persons who love each other. Personally I too believe that there should be long acquaintances before marriage. And they shouldn’t give money until they’ve completely know each others well. Yep, it could be two things: Maybe a user or maybe is a case of cultural differences. It can never be sure.
My wife also suffered from homesickness for several months, but nothing like what is being described. It sounds like there may be multiple challenges to keep the marriage going. Being homesick is going to happen even in the best of situations. Here that is being made worse because the mother made it clear that she wanted the daughter & the husband to stay in the Philippines. The daughter went against the mother’s wish, which I think runs contrary to pinoy customs. Now the mother appears to be using tampo to punish the daughter, and she is feeling guilt which makes the home sickness far worse. The sleeping in different rooms makes one wonder if there is not a separate issue between husband and wife. It could be that the marriage is not living up to the exceptions of the wife, the husband, or possibly both. I think the couple needs to somehow identify the issues with the marriage, address those, then deal with the mother as a united couple. Having the husband attend the bible study might not be a good idea right now. The wife may need people outside of the family that she can confide in while she tries to work through this. That being said, she really needs to be able to find the courage to have a heart to heart conversation with her husband.
Hi Ms Feyma – I agree with Mike’s observation. A conversation with the husband is really needed. the wife needs to let the husband know what’s really going one and how they can have solution for their problem. From the letter, I think there is guilt feelings from the wife compounded by probably her mother back here..making her even feel even more guilty during phone or email conversation. If I’m to share an advise ( he he not expert.. what do I know.. ha ha) I think, the mother of the wife should..should encourage her daughter to stay positive, to go out, make new friends, keep herself busy… instead of (probably) making the girl feel even more homesick As for the mother in law..not sure if the idea is good.. but talk to the in laws too, I guess. I think.
Hi Feyma,
Home sickness and Culture shock is more than enough to cope with.
I’ve known situations where overcoming these two alone can take a year or so.
Add to these that the Mother is not talking to her Daughter, that’s a big gremlin in the works and i agree with Mike here.
I think that trying to cope with these 3 factors together, all at once, is making her very depressed.
Regards,
Chas.
Hi Feyma, is it possible that this poor girl is under pressure to send money home? If she is not working, the amount she can send (provided the husband is willing) will be very limited. And especially if the family back home is laying the guilt thick and fast, depression is sure to set in quickly. I have seen this too much too often.
Ricardo is right. She should love her husband first. If they are going to a church, they can get counseling. I am sooooo liucky to have my wife. She was homesick at first, but once we started getting busy with working, having our family, she gpt used to everything. “Our” family back in the Philippines is very important. But they do not make our decisions. Our marriage vows say for better or worse. Hey maybe it won’t work out. We have seen some horror stories, like with any relationships. Americans and Filipinas are no different in that regard. The family needs to let her alone for a little while. Just my opinion….