Last week or so I had my sister here with us for my oldest son Chris’ birthday. While she’s here we went shopping. This time a lot of the malls here were open until midnight. While we went shopping her husband called her up and told my sister that my brother-in-law’s sister (we will just name her Amy) was being attacked by the family of her husband. Weeks before that Amy was being attacked by her brother-in-law. He threw something at her and she got hit in the forehead and needed a few stitches.
You guys probably wonder where is Amy’s husband? Well, he is working abroad. That’s the reason why the family of Amy’s hubby are mad about. They wanted some share of the money that the husband is sending. When Amy told the husband about all of this, he told Amy that I am not working hard for them, but for our family. I guess Amy and her husband have a kid that has a serious sickness. It really needs a lot of money. I guess the family of the husband just didn’t care about that, they just want to get some money. Even the grand parents of that kid don’t even care. They just want to get something when Amy received some money from the husband. It’s really a sad situation.
Amy’s husband wants her to move out of that place and transfer near to my sister and brother-in-law place. At first Amy doesn’t want to moved out of the area she’s in right now because the kids of the kids. They already in a good school and they already know the place and the people around them. With the convincing of her other sibling Amy will move out but she just wants to wait until all the court things would be over. My brother-in-law will go to his sister’s place and pick them up and let them live near to them. That’s also what the husband of Amy wants now. Some siblings of my brother-in-law also suggested if Amy would want to live in the Northern part of the Philippines. Amy scratched that idea. She said its too expensive there for her budget.
I really hope and pray that Amy can have closure on this soon. Really for the sake of the sick child. I know this is hard for my sister and my brother-in-law. I feel sorry for them. I guess all we can do for now is pray that everything will work out fine for them.I hope these people will stop bothering Amy. It just hard to believe that people can be cruel like this just over money they never work hard for.
Hi Feyma,
I can totally relate to the situation that you explained. What confuses me is that, “They just want to get something when Amy received some money from the husband.” It is the same with my relatives. My relatives act like we should give them a large share of our monthly income. And although we have assisted with support for our mother and father, education fees, operations, motorcycles, jeepneys, and many other large and small gifts we are met with resentment from most of our Filipino relatives. Possibly they think we caused problems because when pay 60,000 peso for a needed operation them everyone expects that they should get 60,000 pesos. And they seem to feel justified in the way they act. They act as if we owe them a large amount of money and they are impatient for us to pay.
How and why can Amy’s relatives and my relatives act like so badly? Is this a part of Filipino culture?
Thanks for your article and Happy New Year,
James
I hope, Feyma, that Amy can find a solution. It's sda, but I am glad you wrote about this, becuase it is one of the little 'secrest' that people don't tlak about in the Philippines.
As a foreigners I often hear other foreigners talking about how their wife's family makes them sad and sometimes mad by regarding them as 'walking ATM machines', The truth is, this does happen to some.
But foreigners shouldn't get the idea that' it's all about 'our' money. It's a problem that is common even when there's no foreigner involved at all.
People have the idea that anyone who 'makes good' is obligated to share, even involuntarily, and the sad fact is, some can even get downright nasty about other people's earnings they think should come to them. No easy answer.
Hi Feyma,From a western perspective, this is an ever re-occuring problem in the Philippine physchi that everyone should share.Amy’s husband is correct,his first priority is to his wife and children.This is one major problem foreigner’s encounter when they choose to live near their filipina wifes family,and why so many move away eventually. As for me,my 1st priority is myself and my wife(no children yet) my 2nd priority is to our immediate family(parents) 3rd is no priority,i have no obligation to help anyone else unless i choose to.May sound hard hearted,but thats the way i am.Some may call me Cheap Skate Charlie,but i learn to live with that,regards Chas.PS Quote from the Bible,”Neither a lender or a borrower be”, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
I assume she didn't bother calling the police since they would not have responded. Go Philippines!
I feel so bad when I hear that people do that to each other ..and we have it here to in the states ..My wife's family does it to ..they will travel for 2 hours to ask my wife for money ..and they will burrowed money for bus fare to get here ..I think they just want to go to jollibee to eat 🙂 but my wife put a stop to that ..she says .." NO ' she has no trouble saying that word …but for some others it is a hard choice to make .. and the only person i never question about asking for money was her grand mother who would come to my house and ask for a bottle of "wine " fighter wine I think she drank ..I am a American and i am not rich , but in the Philippines i am very rich to the people there , I understand that if you have no money and someone else does then he is rich ,so what do you do,and they will keep on asking for money ..I don't think any one on this site hasn't been asked for money one way or another ..and I think she should move some where and the kids will adjust , but not if she is seriously hurt .. then what will she do ..a greedy family is a hard life to live with …No " SIR " here i see ????…… Phil n Jess
Hi Feyma
This seems to be a growing problem in the Philippines. I suspect part of it comes when a Filipino does his best and is barley able to give his family food and clothes then his neighbor gets money from there daughter in the states and he can have parties and does nothing but drink all day. My wife and I have had some major problems with her relatives but I am very lucky my wife has no problem saying no to her relatives. We decided to help her relatives start a business if they want but we would not just send them money. My wife has told them and told them but her relatives still do not understand that she will not send them money so they can have there parties.
Hello Feyma
I can identify with the husband of Amy he must feel great indignation and at the same time feel helpless over the situation. I am married to a Filipino she lives in Mindanao and I am in the USA. I have supported my wife as she has attended school many times her family members ask her for money. Sometimes we can help and other times we can’t. But it is not being there that hurts me the most because I am helpless over the situation and she must deal with any situation the best she can I can only advise and support her. We thank God my wife is not facing problems like Amy is facing. Thanks be to God that Amy has friends and family that support and guide her like you and Bob, we pray she will be out of the abusive situation soon.
Carl and Ruby
Hi, Feyma! All the very best for 2009!
This very interesting discussion will never have an ending unless Filipinos themselves are prepared to change their attitude TOWARDS their culture. We are both Pinays and married to kanos, so we are in a position to feel and see the goings-on. However, no matter how we try to change that typical trait so common to many Pinoys, if the citizens do not want to lift a finger to change their way of life, then what hope is there for those trapped in the highlands or deep rural areas where their chances of facing their problems in black and white are nil. There will never be blanket changes in the Philippines if the people's minds are not conditioned to accept change in the first instance? How often do we see, even from highly-educated Filipinos that to accept the kind of culture they wish to have for their children should remain the same because that was what "Lola and Lola told us about it." The simpllicity of the Pinoy mind-set is indeed mind-boggling, but to force on them the "change" that we really really would like to see falls on deaf ears. Filipinos in general are attuned to the times, but old-fashioned values they'd rather keep than follow the road to change. Tell them to change and they give you a quizzical glare, or a fine smack across the face. For many, traditions are to be obeyed—or else—-. That implicit threat that if one defies local values, you are condemned to the gutter forever holds true today. All I know is, what is pulling many Filipinos down is their fear to disobey, because, in our culture, we, in general, are very obedient people. It is this that drags many of us down. In fact, having guts and an independent mind can be a disturbing feat for many Lolos and Lolas, and the trickle-down effect is like a chronic virus that doesn't or just wouldn't go away. That said, values of our forefathers that are handed down to us do make sense—-until of course—cash-strapped people start knocking on people's doors. And the jouney to money and sense begin to rip each other apart..
Kamusta ka Feyma,
This is very sad, and not the first story I have heard before. I guess these things happen here in the USA as well, but just don't here about it. Its sad to think there are family members that would treat other family members like this. And expect monies from her husband for just being there family.
I know the kids are happy in there school, but it would seem to be a safer situation if she moved away from those people, at least for now, until her husband comes back to Philippines. But of course that is her decision to make. I hope this all comes to a good conclusion and that she remains safe.
Salamat,
Danny
I am worried about my wife after I leave in March. As long as I am here in the Philippines the extended family wouldn't dare ask for money,but once I am gone and working in Alaska again they know I am "Making big dollars" and will start pestering my wife daily about "loans". She has no problem saying no to them, when they hit it big years ago and had money they never lifted a finger to help my mother in law… and now they have the audacity to come sniffing around my wife and I for money. In addition I also have great laughs about the whole "losing face" thing. Of course they lose face because my wife and I say no to monetary loans… what??!? Hmm I think they lost face long ago by turning away my inlaws in their time of need. It just proves the old saying "Those who speak most of Honour have none themselves."
Hi James – I think they just don't get it that you want to help if you feel like helping. Really a lot of the attitudes here when you help one family the rest of the family expects to have something from you too.
Honestly I saw a lot in here people would not get a job because one of the relative works abroad. Lots of jobless ( they call it here Standby)
Oh well. As me and Bob always says WELCOME TO THE PHILIPPINES!
Hi Dave – Yes, you are right its not just happened to foreigner too. Really it happened a lot of people that have somebody in the family that works abroad. Everybody will expect that those people that works abroad should give. Some people they even tell their kids(girls in particular) that when they grow up one will work in the Middle East, one kid will marry a foreigner, one kid will be a nurse so that she can work abroad too. It is sad that the parents have to tell their kids what they want to be when they grow up.
The sad part is it is really happening here and the numbers are growing.
Thanks Dave for dropping by!
Hi Donald Tremper – Thank God she did. They have a court date set I think.
Have a great day!
Hi Phil n Jess R – I think almost all of us were asked here. Just a few that I knew that's not asked because their family had some money.
Its norm here really to be expected rich when your a foreigner, married to a foreigner or Filipinos that works abroad.
Thanks for sharing your story. Thank you also for stopping by here!
Chasdv,
Can you please tell me where
"Quote from the Bible,”Neither a lender or a borrower be”"
Is located in the Bible?
James: I understand exactly what is happening. Before my wife and I were married my future mother in law asked for some money for a piece of farm equipment. It wasn't a lot, I think around 20,000 pesos. i simply said if she had half of the money from the profits from the farm we would give her the other half or rather my wife would go with her and help her purchase the equipment. Needless to say she could not come up with the money. My wife and I have an agreement….only someone who is demonstrating a willingness to do something for themselves will receive ANY help in the form of money from us.if one cannot even get up in the morning to help around the house, they certainly are not getting any gifts from us. It is not right for me or anyone else to brand someone, but there are people in many countries who live off the hard work of others. Too bad the lazy are fed and housed sometimes only because we cant figure out how to set the table for eight deserving people and let one or two watch…..but we are working on solving that situation as well.
Hi chasdv – Thank yo so much for your nice comment and advice. Very helpful to a lot of readers as well.
Happy Holidays to you too.
Hi Larry – Yes it is a growing problems here in the Philippines. One of the biggest problem here also is the jealousy. If the next door neighbor had some member of the family working outside the country, they are the talk and the eyes of the rest of the neighbors are all to them. (Gossip time)
Anyway, thank you so much for stopping by!
Hi Carl and Ruby – Good luck to you and your wife too. I know its hard for you not being together with your wife too. I hope you guys will be together soon.
Thank you for your nice comment. I really appreciate very much. Have a great day!
Hi hill roberts – You really said it perfectly well. Thats really the problem here we can't and never disobey our elders ever. That was really taught here. Hey, I had my own ways before when I arrived here after living in the States for 10 years. I said what I think and people really hated me for it. They think that in my mind I am better, which is not. Really now I just go with the flow, its much easier in life.
Thank you for the very nice comment. I am sure it open up a lot pf eyes here.
Hi Danny – I think she will definitely move out after the court case is over. She also wants the kids and her to be safe.
Thank you for stopping by and your comment!
Hi brspiritus – I think when your wife keep on telling them NO. I am sure they will get the message that they will never get anything.
Good luck to you on your trip again to work abroad. Thank you so much for your comment. Have a good day!
Hi, Feyma, greetings from cold and wet Spain!
i do share your feelings and thoughts since we are both Pinays. There's something I'd like to share with you today. The last two years, too, have not been pleasant to me because a Spanish neighbour (whose mother happened to be a good friend of mine but sadly died recently) would come knocking on my door to borrow you-know-what. At first I thought she'd go away once Isolved her "immediate problem(s) but night after night, she'd be there waiting outside for me to open the door. Meanwhile, my husband was already beginning to wonder what the hell was going on. Finally, I told him that she had been coming to borrow money. The last time she came she wanted me to pay for her "gas butano" (cooking gas) since she didn't have a regular job. To cut the story short, I told her to stop coming. I never told my husband about it but he knew what was going on and told me in no uncertain terms to stop lending her money. The other night i got a call from her and the same thing happened. The truth is, Feyma, money problems are not confined over there. Spain now has this huge problem of people living in tents, or scavenging on rubbish bins especially come midnight.In the case of my female neighbour, all her money would go to cigarettes since she is a chain smoker–and so are 60 percent of the entire population—one of the highest cancer patients can be found here—and recently, the president of this community where I live told me that she now has started taking drugs. In due course, this community of three apartment blocks would discuss how to get rid of her since she is also always behind in paying her monthly quota as a resident of this condo. Anyway, I now realise that too many Europeans are now really becoming cash-strapped and somehow it is rather depressing to see them begging, or stopping the likes of me and my husband on the street for food or money. There are jobs available but because European governments provide safety nets, they have no wish to work for a pittance. This continent is going through one of the worst and hardest times in living memory.My only desire is for Filipinos to realise that great opportunitiescan be found in their own backyard . Mindanao is extremely wealthy in natural resources. Leaving the country of opportunity is sad. Hopefully someday the right attitude wins and many Filipinos would appreciate how lucky they are to be living there. There are no short cuts in life, but if the local and national governments there open their eyes and flash out negativities, great things could be done. Filipinos do have a fine culture but it needs threshing out, codified, refined in some ways. Other than that, we're not sso bad.
Hi Feyma/Steve,I think my old mind is playing tricks on me,so i will correct re-Bible quote.The quote is not from the Bible but from Shakespears Hamlet c1603 and spoken by Lord Polonius. Neither a borrower or lender be,for loan often loses itself and a friend,and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. My apologies for the mistake,regards Chas.
Greetings!
Although I can understand and empathize with such situation, my husband and I felt blessed that we don't have such experience. It is not because no one in my family have tried it but because I never allow it to happen in my home here in the Philippines. To elaborate on this, here's my share of the story; I have a 40 year old brother, single and employed as a manager of a club/bar owned by a Korean national. He is been living alone in the same city where we live but all of a sudden he came to our home asking us that he will rent one of our spare bedroom. Knowing his lifestyle we agreed but on the condition that we will not allow him to bring another person in his room and that he should pay us. At first, he diligently did it and even give me a daily share for the food. As days went by, it all just stop and when I asked him about it, he said, "Oh, your treating me as if I am a different person" and I honestly replied, "of course you are! Not because you are my brother that I will be responsible for you, no way! I have my own family and our budget does not include you, besides you have a job! " After that, off he went. Do I feel guilty? No. Because he is trying to start using us for his own good. And I know, he did that because my husband is a foreigner.
This custom does not only apply to a foreigner-filipino marriages but also to filipino-filipino marriages whose partner is working abroad. It is in the mindset of the filipino family that if one member is working abroad, that particular member is obliged to help his parents, brothers and sisters and yes relatives with or without the consent of the other spouse. This is pathetic but most Filipinos think that having any connection abroad is the answer to everything financially.
And to put matters worst, it seems that the government is promoting this concept.
I hope she will consider getting out of there once the school year ends. I understand it very hard to move during the school year. Most of the Filipina I know are timid about moving to a new place and it is hard for them.
The ones that I know that have done so though seem to enjoy the change and it brings about a lot of growth.
Nothing surprizes me in this topic except that some poeple don't know it goes on. It is part of filipino culture and if your marrying a filipina then you have to expect that is what will happen. However you want to deal with it its up to you. But it does not make for happy times thats for sure.
Even if you do help them this is what can happen
British guy married to a filipina, the filipina's family are fisherfolk. Dont know how it came about but the kano buys them a new boat to replace their old hardly seaworthy boat so they can fish further out to sea and with less risk and earn a better wage. Anyway the guy buys them the boat and he forgets all about it, he asks his wife about 9 months later hows the in-laws getting on with the new boat. She said they sold it and now live off the money….
This situation is very common in P.I. its' sad but it's true. It is what it is…. I would say that I am blessed and furtonate that I don't have relative like this one. It's not that they never try to ask, but if I can help I would…… and if not , The family should understand (That's the family is all about) and they should never expect anything from you just because your married to a foriegner or your spouse is working aboard…
Hi Daisy,Well said,regards Chas.
Hi hill roberts – Wow, I think we Filipinos got a lot of stuff from the Spanish influence here in our country. We were ruled by them for a long time though. But my goodness that lady to be in your doorstep every night is really ridiculous. I'm glad you finally stop giving her.
Hey, good luck to you there. I hope you learned your lesson. Take care and God bless!
Hi chasdv – Don't worry you are not alone there. 😉
Hi daisy – You said it correctly. I can't agree you more. I think really to be upfront with the family what you want. Be frank to them. I know they will understand at the end. I know its one thing the Filipinos have a hard time doing to tell the person frankly or in their face. They think its rude or disrespectful.
Anyway, its well said by you. I hope a lot of our Kababayans will learn from it. Thank you for you nice comment.
Thank you too for stopping by!
Hi Rusty – Yes she's moving out after the kids school, also after the court hearing are done. Yeah they need the change big time for the kids sake.
Thanks for your thoughts. Have a great day!
Hi Graham – It is sad when things like this happened. I just really hope that a lot of our readers gets a lesson from here. I know a lot of them just wanting to help out, and some of them at the end get hurt. Really sad though.
Thanks for your story. An eye opener.
Thank you for stopping by!
Hi ann – Well said.
Thank you for your comment.
Hi James, may I answer your question about "this ..being part of Filipino culture." I wish I could answer you that no, it is not but that would be self-serving since I am a Filipino myself. Every Filipinos are expected to help their families. This becomes open to abuse when one exploits this system. Usually, those who abuse this are those who are lazy, greedy & plain free loaders, bad traits that I believe not monopoly of Filipinos. If you have encountered these kinds of Filipinos, you better evaluate if you need to continue your relationship w/ them. I think that's an option that is available to anyone, including yourself. One can always choose one's in laws I believe. At the onset, there are tell tale signs.
Hi roy – Thank you so much for your nice advice.
Have a great day!
Great subject & comments,but nearly impossible to read. Can't you people use spell check & have someone proof read your comments before you submit.
Hi Feyma,
This is very interesting discussion too,as happen also to me, im married w/a greek guy one year from now.Before, that my husband was still at philippines my family never ask money but when he lift the story had all start!!!At first i cant refused to help them and the very big problem is you gave help already but Its not enough for them!!!And you are bad for them when you said "NO".I felt too much disappointed,And now i am worry that we have plan to remove to philippines after i will give birth that they will bother my family for their own sake!!!!
My perspective is this with my Fiance living near Cagayan De Oro,
Her family is very poor and i send my Fiance $400 per month which is extremely
allot of money there but i tell her she is my first priority her son is my second. You take care of you two first and do not go without and you can do what ever you wish with the rest of the money. She has also been told once we marry and she comes to the states i will send her family $200 per month, they are my extended family and will help then in every way i can. I will not accept them asking for more when it is more than the average income i am sending and there will be times when we visit and holidays i will send more. My goal is to be able to retire there so i believe people need to set the family straight right at the beginning and explain if i am continually asked for more money it all stops.
Now i know not everyone can send $200 a month or they can send more but i believe anyone who can should set a amount they are comfortable with and send but hey this just might me (it feels great to know i can make a difference) its my wife's family for gods sake i'm sure my Fiance will do what she can for my family here when she gets to the states. So have your husband sit down with them and set it straight!
nice to know about this site..i also have a problem with the ex wife of my husband,,hope you could help me guy'z..the ex of my husband also ask for support for there only child which is the same what she is earning in the school as kindergarten teacher.
is this really normal?we support the child ever since but now shes demanding more!were just afraid that she will use the money to other things and not for the kid so we have this decesion to file an appeal to the court to have the custody of the child ,hes now 8 years old, so we could really take action to give him a better life,i know this is a hard process..
will you give me some advice what to do?ii just feel pity on my husband,he always support the kid but never he see him nor let him talk in the phone,,the ex just let him talk with him when he ask for money or something..
Those stories sound all too familiar. Be prepared as it can go much worse. In my situation it did go much worse than any of yours.
Lessons learned by me:
1. No matter how much money you sent, it will never be enough
2. You think since 10,000 peso last them a week, so 20,000 peso would last them two weeks? WRONG. Whether you send 10,000 or 30,000, they will use them up in roughly the same amount of time
3. They always run into ‘accident’, and ’emergency’, which leaves you no choice but to send money. After all, you can’t watch your family dying, Or at least you can’t watch your beloved Filipina wife crying all day long, right?
4. They ask money for matter A. But after you send money for matter A, they will use it for matter B. So you have to send money twice or three times to get matter A fixed.
5. They want to start a business, they expect you to pay for it. Of course the business is guaranteed to fail.
6. They have unpaid bills, they expect you to pay for them.
7. They would go out for ‘Gimmick’ and spend everything they have, until they have no money to ride a Jeepney home. This can probably explain why the money you send is never enough.
8. You want to teach them to manage their financial and to save, so you help them open a bank account with your money and tell them about minimum balance requirement. Next thing you find out is the account is closed by the bank due to overdraft
9. You send them to college but later you find out they drop out for some very simple ridiculous reason
10. You think with all your help your relatives’ lives would be better? WRONG. Your help will not make their lives any better. It just makes them more dependent and lazier. My Filipina wife’s family were working when I was out of the picture. After I joined them, at one point, we provided all of them free housing and food, guess what happened? During that period of time, none of them was working!
The list can go on and on.
I don’t understand why in the living hell they get the sense of entitlement that since I have money I have to ‘share’ with them. I don’t understand why they are so reckless and keep running into problems that require us to buy them out of trouble. I don’t understand why they don’t have any ambition and don’t make any effort of their own to improve their lives.
Hi Ed – The answer is: “Bahala Na!”
– This is the last morsel we have; where do we get tomorrow’s food? Bahala na.
– Don’t gamble the last of your money: you might go home with empty pockets. Bahala na.
– You spent the entire PHP 500 I just gave you without saving some? Bahala na.
Naturally fatalistic, most resign themselves to the fate of “what will be will be.”
I’ve a single parent for almost 25 yrs. I had so many problems with my children they are already adult. Anyway my problems are I can’t hardly managed to say advices they are hard headed. They don’t hear my advices. What will I do. I want you to email my email son, explaining the hardship of a single parent and to advice him to be the model to his/her brother and sister. To be a family oriented. My 3 children are all with family and I don’t know whats on there mind why they made is this way in fact I’ve been so hard to raise them and to send to school. There was a time that I wanted to be out of this world cuz of so many problems. I’ve been craving for there love and concern to me.
Hello Feyma, prior to meeting my american partner, i had been having some success in the small scale business industry here in my hometown, that is when my trouble started to appear with some family members and relatives who shows up in my place almost always to borrow money. In the beginning i tried to help them until i started to wonder why they keep asking but never in one occasion paid me back in return with all the money that they had borrowed, so i decided to just simply stopped giving them money, that is when they started telling everyone what a mean and selfish person i am and all sorts of negative things, i was so disappointed and decided to distance myself from them, since we live in a small community there will be instances when they would harass me in public so now i decided to move out of that small community and since had been living away from them for the last 7years.
Then i met my american partner way back in 2005, and when the news reached these relatives, they started coming and tried playing their old trick on me again, this prompted me to tell them never to show up in front of my doorstep ever again..it hurts to think that they only want to visit you because of your money, but when you’re in need of company, you can never really count on them..as of now just my 2 niece and my Mom are the only ones making contact with me.
It is a noble thing to be able to help relatives who are working hard doing something to help themselves have a better life, but it is frustrating when the ones who just want to squander with your hard earned cash are bothering you with their endless pathetic rumblings just to get money from you.