Having friendships in your life is very important. It’s always good to have a person that you can talk with, share good things with, and lean on for support when that is what you need in your life. Having a group of friends who can fill these needs is something that you need to cultivate and nourish so that these folks will be around at the times when you need them.
If you decide to pull up stakes and make a move halfway around the world, that can be a time when you need a good friend or two that can help you overcome the challenges that you will face. Making such a huge move, no matter how prepared you think you are, is a traumatic time. There is so much uncertainty, and you will certainly have doubts if you are making the right move or not. I did find when I moved here that having a few good friends around me was very helpful.
Of course, if you move to the Philippines, you can expect that most of your friends will be Filipino. Nothing wrong with that, I mean if we didn’t like Filipinos we would not even consider moving here, right? And, as expected, I have lots of Filipino friends myself. One thing that I hear from a lot of foreigners who want to move here is that they don’t want to have foreigner friends. For example, I’ve been told by Americans:
“If I wanted a bunch of American friends, I would stay in America.”
Of course, this goes for other nationalities too. But, is this really the case?
During this year, I met, and have developed a close friendship with John Grant, another writer here on the LiP Web Magazine. John and I met at a meeting here in Davao, and from the first time that I met, I could feel a connection that we had. Our pasts were similar, we both had worked in similar businesses in our younger days, and we had many similar interests as well. It didn’t take long, and John and I were regularly getting together. It is the same also with Klaus Doring, I met Klaus earlier this year, and we quickly became good friends.
Now, I want to say something that could be taken as being controversial, or demeaning to Filipinos… but that is not my intention at all. I feel that, for an expat, it is important to have some friends who are not Filipino too. Why? Well, in the past weeks, both Klaus and AmericanLola have written articles about Filipino Humor. In both cases they came to the conclusion that some humor of Filipinos doesn’t translate, and simply isn’t funny to an American or a German. This can be extended – some British humor is not funny to Americans. American humor is not always funny to Filipinos. It’s a cultural thing, and a language thing. It doesn’t mean that Americans are too stupid to understand the British comedy, it is just often outside our cultural experience.
When it comes to friendships, the same thing that happens with humor can be seen. For example, with many of my Filipino friends, I can often feel during our conversation that they are not really understanding what I am saying. I am sure that they understand all the words, but there is something unspoken that doesn’t get through, because we have different cultural backgrounds. They have experienced things that I have no idea about, and again, I have experienced things that have never entered their minds.
In the case of John and I, even though we are different nationalities (he is British, I am American) we have an understanding of each other. Often times, John will tell me that he wants to get together for some quality conversation, because of our common understanding, we are able to share things with each other and each of us understands the other.
I feel that when you decide to live in another culture, like I have, having friends that are both from your new culture and your old culture is an important thing. You can expand your horizons by listening to and trying to understand friends from your new culture, and you can also go back to the comfort of your old culture through friends with a background similar to yours.
Your spot on there Bob.
It's one thing that I miss when I'm home in Philippines, is the absence of having a conversation where I know everyword in the conversation is being understood in the context that it's meant, by each person, outside of my wife that is, she's well used to me and can understand perfectly.
There are no other full time expats around my area, we seem to be in the same type of jobs, always coming and going and we always seem to be home at different times.
Sometimes having a beer or whatever I often wish there was at least one other where I could converse normally without taking time out to see if my meaning was taken up correctly and a lot of the time I find that it's not.
But life can be a feast or a famine and either dosn't always suit, you just have to make the beast of it. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 😆 😆 😆 😆
Sorry that should be "best" not where it says beast on the last line. No wonder I'm not always understood. 😆
Bob,
I can now understand this article since I am here. Elena and her family talk, but even with their knowledge of english, usage is sometimes lost or misunderstood.
I hope some day I will find and make some close friends to be able to just call on to chat, or meet for coffee or something.
Hi Jack – Thanks for your comment… as what you said about my article, your comment is also "spot on." Even if the words are all understood, there is something about the sharing of common experiences that helps us understand each other. Language consists of more than just words.
Hi Bruce – I think that you will find plenty of friendly expats around Davao. I'd certainly be willing to go for coffee or do something else from time to time. Just keep joining in (like when I saw you at Ted's presentation last week), and you will develop a network of friends here. And, the more you spend time with Elena and her family, all of you guys will develop your own understandings of each other too.
Hi Bob, I agree with your post 100%, I think though that when people say that they don't want to hang with fellow countrymen, I feel that generally what is meant that they don't want to be part of an expat enclave. You know the situation, when most people that you meet daily are expats.
I have mostly Filipino friends but I do like to meet the ocassional countryman that I can talk to about a subject we both understand, I'm traveling at the moment and last night met a guy and his wife that were born in London… we had a great couple of hours together. But I don't go out of my way to meet countrymen.
Just my 2 cents worth
Hi gerry mcguire – I understand what you mean about the "expat enclave." I find a lot of times that when a bunch of expats gather, it leads to a bitching session where everybody complains about all the things that are bad about the Philippines. I don't go for that, and I actually avoid it at all costs. However, if you find the right expats, getting together can be a great thing too, though.
Hi Bob (and to all of you!). At first I would like to thank you also being my friend (and Feyma too!). As always I also agree with your today's opinion. While writing this comment I try to count how many Filipino friends I have. I can tell you a lot, but sometimes it's becoming superficial. They are all nice guys, but if "we go deeper into details", it becomes different. The "remaining Filipino friends" are mostly in the same businesses than I am, in other words, there are also other prerequisites. And, Bruce, Bob is right, the longer you stay here the better you can make friends, also OR especially among other expats. But avoid those, who have nothing to do than to complain all day long how bad life is in the Philippines. And one last thing, my very best Filipino friends belong to my wife's family…
Hi Klaus – Thanks for dropping by (as normal!). I don't have any close relationships in my wife's family, except some of my nieces and one nephew. But among people of my generation, I have not been able to really get close to Feyma's family. I actually feel that they don't care to be close to me, so I just leave it alone, and look for friendship elsewhere. For me… my best friend is Feyma of course. 😉
Looking forward to suffering such problems…
Hi Brian – Ha ha… I hear you! It is a nice problem to be faced with! 😆
Hi Bob. I am thinking what a nice way to end your paragraph. I have some filipino friends that are good honest & trustworthy I enjoy my time with them as well as my imediate family.I have just lost a 10 year friendship witha filipina friend over terminology. This was a blunder on my part while talking financial issues in a relationship. In the Philippines there is no social safety net as in the western world. Therfore money is a live or die issue & respected much more in their culture. Good friends are hard to come by & even at my age I have learned to select my words more carefully. I still hope that my relationship will grow to the level that yours & Feyma's has. Where I can say "my best friend is my wife".
Hi Guy – You will continue to grow in that direction. When it comes to selecting our words… none of us are ever perfect on that! How many times over the years have we all said things that we wished we had left unsaid. Why is it that we say things, and immediately realize that we shouldn't have? Every one of us needs additional patience, and additional wisdom in this area! Good luck to you, Guy.
Hi Bob,
It's not easy to have a good friend anywhere in the world.
Reliable, not materialistic friendship is a rarity, I'd say.
So we're glad if we have just somebody to talk to and who accepts us as we are (for a time being at least). Most of so called 'friendships' don't last over a time or distance trial.
To be a true friend – it takes some special personality, some kind of spiritual level, which not everybody is able to achieve. Most friends are only around as long as they need us, as long as we're useful somehow.
Friendship lasting a life time….? never happened to me 😥
"Often times, John will tell me that he wants to get together for some quality conversation, because of our common understanding, we are able to share things with each other and each of us understands the other."
Bob, I too can relate in what you've written. I am a male nurse and by the nature of my job works with female coworkers. At home I interact with my wife and 2 daughters. Though I have good relationship with my family and coworkers I just have to go and hang out with my male friends from time to time. Somehow there is something missing that can only be filled with hanging out with men. I wonder if others experience the same way.
Don't get me wrong though… I'm not like that! 😆 😆 !
Bob
Like many comments here i also agree with your posting, very true and relating, humour cultural understanding and exact meaning of words, yes there is a barrier here to overcome. But like many here i am very keen not to live in a rich western ghetto (i call them) but enclave is probably a better term. But the points about sharing conversations with people with simila cultural terms of reference is true.
This is not a moan by ex-pats living in exile, it is simply a LIP comment and your post hit spot on with me
Someting which i have observed to both contradict and reinforce your humour difference between different countries can be illustrated by my trip into China when i was horrified by a journey from Shenzen to Guangao, was accompanied by Mr Been videos. The Chinese thought they were hilarious but generally speaking they leave brits cold, they are more or less for children for us, although we are allowed to laugh, mr bean is a british character, (rowan atkinson) although it was british humour a coach full of chinese thought it hilarious, it left this brit wishing for a Chinese cultural video oh well, we all survived ok
Just very true post Bob about humour, friendship etc but like most people here i am very keen to be full in the Phil life, with Filipino friends
Hi ted – what you say is very true. It's very rare to have a friend for lifetime let alone for many years. I have a story along those lines of something that happened to me here in the Philippines. Maybe I'll share it some day soon.
Hi Bart – Being around a bunch of females can have it's advantages… but I understand what you are saying! 😆
Hi rick b – I would not ever say that I feel that I live in a way that is a "western ghetto" lifestyle. Am not sure 100% what you mean on that one, but overall, I do agree with most of what you have to say there.
Bob, the ghetton ref was not meant to be derogatory or too controversial but describes a situation, where ex-pats would move abroad to escape their country and then just ignore local culture and live in an enclave of their own countryman, and importing their own culture to a foreign country, always something i would go a long way to avoid, just the same as all contributors here actually, no idea why so many of my countrymen (brits) do this, commonly happens in parts of europe, spain and france in particular, invaded by Brits
Hi Bob- What Gerry said was very true for my part I have many aquaintences but only a handfull of true friends.
I think if staying in a foreign land you need a balance of both friends and aquaintences of all nationalities and what you did Bob by learning the language opens up your field of opportunities in respect of meeting people.
It's my opinion that you do need stimulating conversation from whoever your friends are and also keep in mind there are a lot of very well educated Filipinos arround.
Hi rick b – thanks for clarifying, I understand what you mean now!
Hi Jim – thanks for your thoughts. I just want to clarify something… if you or others took what I said as meaning that I felt that Filipinos were uneducated, that couldn't be further from what I meant. What I am saying has nothing to do with intelligence or education. It all comes down to backgrounds. For example, whether a Filipino is educated or uneducated, I could not begin to know or understand the things that he has been through, because I came up in a culture that is totally different. in the case of you and I, we grew up in two different countries, although we have some shared culture between our countries, so we have a bit of understanding between us. I hope you understand what I am meaning, because I don't want anybody to think that I think that Filipinos, as a class are uneducated.
Hi Bob- Not a bit I was refering to the fact that it takes all kinds to make a world and good friends are like good wine hopefully they get better with age irrespective of who they are and where the come from.
I know you speak with all and sundry just by reading your blog.
Hi Rick- What you say is true, I would not like to join a community just because they are from my own country I much prefer to broaden my horizons when it comes to making friends. That way we can learn about new cultures and cuisine etc.
The old saying there are good and bad in every society springs to mind.
As I am mentioned in this article several times I am forced to make a reply.
Its been and still is a great pleasure to make new friends here in DAVAO CITY. I have met many great "locals", and I can say that my friendship with Bob and Feyma is a blessing and I just enjoy our time together.
Its just like a marriage, oops ! Well its like a marriage without certain aspects. LOL.
The advice and friendship given to me I truly treasure..THANK YOU.
Hi Jim – Thanks for that.
Hi John – Well, what can I say. I have really enjoyed our friendship, and I look forward to many more years to come! 😆
Hi all – I can count on one hand the number of white faces I've seen up here where I am. Haven't chatted with any; only shared the "raised eyebrows and nod of recognition" with each. Don't know nationalities, languages, etc., and that's okay with me. Think they may prefer it the same way, too. All things in due time. 😉
American friends down in the Olongapo area more than make up for any conversation needs I might have whenever I visit them. We share many things in common (including USN careers) so have that established camaraderie necessary to "communicate." Of course, I let them live their "Subic" lives and they let me enjoy my provincial life! 😛
I've become a little more introverted over the years. I don't have much in common with non-military peers in the States. So, a more solidary lifestyle doesn't bore me at all. Besides, there's too much beauty all around me here to be bored! 😆
A good discussion this one .. especially the need to grow in tolkerance and understanding … something that isn't always easy.
I would certainly welcome American/Western friends, but it's not always easy to know where one will fit in. I've met and not connected with a lot of guys like me, married to Filipinas and living here.
Just because two guys came from the same country and married a woman from the same country doesn't always mean we have much in common … but my wife feels it's more important that I find more American friends than I do … and she's seldom wrong.
One thing I dearly need is a sign to hand 'round my neck that says, "Just because I come from the US doesn't mean I want to talk politicsL". It's probably more age than nationality, because I have "moved on' from a number of friendships in the US for the same factor … I really don't care who is doing things right, who is"ruining" the country, who will save everything if only they are elected, who never should be elected, etc. Bores me to tears.
Anyway, onward and upward and keep an open mind, eh? Hmm, that word isn't interpreted the same by all even, is it? 😉
Hi Paul – I hear you! I agree that I am like you in a lot of ways, that I do enjoy my times of solitude when I can be alone and such. Now, with having all the websites and such that I have, I do have to give some time to meeting people who come here and such, and I enjoy that too. Privacy, peace and quiet are indeed very valuable to me, though.
Hi Dave Starr – I am with you on the political conversation…. I have my beliefs, I am sure you have yours too. We correspond with each other regularly, and honestly I don't know what your leanings are, and don't care. Part of living here is that I can walk away from all that political bs back in the States, and concentrate on the things that are important in my life. In the past decade politics has turned into nothing buy fighting and such, and I am happy to leave that behind.
You know, this morning I met with a fellow named Thomas who is a regular on this blog. He is from England, and we went out for coffee. It was so refreshing to meet up with somebody without having to get into what politician we like, etc. We just talked about our life and our goals here in the Philippines and had a great time!
Bob
You mention privacy, and that drags me back to one of your possible solutions, to make yourself available for a meeting at some coffee shop at a pre-ordained time, once a month, or fortnight, or whatever….did / does that happen, i would like to meet you (we are coming to davao mid jan 07) but i wouldn't like to impose on your busy lifestyle too much, i thought the coffee shop solution was good
I can understand Paul and Dave Starrs comments above, but i think i'm a bit more social than they indicate and i'm still interested in world events / politics, but when you Bob talk about a network being biased towards a particular viewpoint, i'm afraid at this level of understanding i switch off….not trying to be too controversial here but i do hope Obama gets the democratic nomination and goes on to win, he seems a good man (sorry couldn't resist that)……
sorry, Jan 08
Hi rick – on the coffee shop thing, I plan to implement that after the first of the year, most likely. I'd be happy to meet you when you get to Davao!
Regarding the political thing… when I talked about Fox News, I *mostly* emphasized that the reason I liked to watch Fox News was because it gave news from an American perspective. There is no other channel here that gives the American news. CNN here is CNN International, which is a totally different network from CNN.
By the way, if you think you know me by a few words I posted about Fox News… this will shock you. Right now, I like Barack Obama the best of all the candid. That doesn't mean that I am a democrat a republican, though.
Hi Bob – Can only relate to my own personal experience, and not LIP, I find the ex pats living in my wifes province are really not too keen to welcome too many forieners to their slice of paradise, as they are happy the way it is for them. Sometimes I think they have so much potential as a tourist destination, but maybee we should keep our little secret to ourselves!! Also I dont know if I was LIP how much ex-pat company I would need as it doesnt seem to bother me when I am there for five or six weeks at a time. The only thing I doubt I could live without is catching up with Bobs site 😀 😀
Hi anthony – Thanks for your comments. like the last one especially! 😆
On what you said about keeping our little secret for ourselves, I hear that from a lot of people. Basically, I believe that in life there are two ways of believing. There is the model of limited resources. There is never enough for everybody. We have to keep what we can for our own use, because there is a limited supply. The other model is the model of abundance. There is plenty to go around for everybody. The world is not a zero sum game. More can be produced so that each of us can enjoy the things that we like. I am a believer in the abundance theory, and that is how I attempt to live my life. I am not saying that one belief system is right or wrong, just recognizing that these are two ways to live life, and stating which one I personally subscribe to. 😀
>>> only shared the “raised eyebrows and nod of recognition”
what a bootcamp. Still raises eyebrows. Can't point with his lips like us locals. Lagi!!
😆
hi bob merry christmas to you and your family ,im finally here in davao with my fiance so far im doing great ,it takes some adjusting to get use to the heat after being in alaska but otherwise im getting along with my fiances family just fine.
Hi ken – Thank you very much for the greeting! Merry Christmas to you and your family too!
I hope that all is going well for you in Davao. If there is anything I can do to assist, please let me know!
Hi Bob
This may be the wrong place to post this question but i could:nt seem to find a better place,
MARRIAGE, can you give me info on the steps taken to marry my filipina gf while in the country, i have heard many different stories about this topic,
from how easy it was, to what a nightmare it is to marry in the philippines,,we are looking to marry in april or early may,this yr,also what docs do i need to bring above what i have been told by the philippine embassy in thailand,that being, passport,divorce papers,and approx 10k pesos,as always, thankyou thankyou,
Hi Steve – I don't get too much into the topic of marriages and such, because that is a different topic from what this site is about. Also, my experience of getting married here was 18 years ago, and a lot has changed in that time. However, I'll give you my best advice.
My experience is that marrying here is quite easy. You will need the papers that you mentioned, but also (most important) you will need a certificate from the UK Embassy (you're a brit, right?) stating that you are clear to marry. That is a very procedural document that your embassy will provide you. I am not sure what they are talking about on the 10K. 10K for what? Certainly, that is not enough for the wedding ceremony, and it is way more than you should need for the fees involved.
Basically, come to the RP, stop in Manila at the UK Embassy to get your certificate, come to Davao and go to City Hall to apply for a marriage license. Next, you wait 10 days for the license to be valid, and you are then free to marry.
Good luck!
As always super fast answer and very helpfull, thankyou very much.hopefully when we meet i and rita will be married,
thanks again and happy belated birthday