I was grocery shopping with my youngest son, Jared, today after registering him for the next school year Ateneo de Davao University. I promised him that I will buy him a drink as soon as we will be at NCCC mall. Which I did. NCCC just walking distance from Ateneo.
While shopping we passed by an aisle where I saw candles. I immediately told Jared that I have to get some candles. I didn’t explain to him my purpose of buying the candle, I just grab a bunch of them and put it in our cart. In his mind I bought the candles for black out purposes. He was getting some and showing me one that would be better for blackout because it will last longer. When I was getting into different colors and such, he was just puzzled. I told him my reasons for buying the candles for the graveyard of my sister and I will also include my mom, my dad and my brother-in-law. He looked at me with his raised up eyebrows and the word that uttered in his mouths was “HUH”. I could tell more questions ahead of me there. Which he did within just minutes after his shock. He immediately asked why “he didn’t know that you had sisters that died a long time ago?”.
Here in the Philippines when someone died it’s our traditions (Catholics) to light the candles all through out the wake until the person that died be buried. Then after burial, there would be a 9 days prayer in the house. Candle (some light thing) should be lit 24/7 from the time the person died until 40th days of the passing. It might be regional, so I ‘m not sure of that. I will write more about traditions in our culture. Stay tuned for it.
Wow, I was really caught off guard there. I never knew that my not telling him, it bothered him a little bit. I guess I don’t talk to him about my 3 siblings that died a long time ago because for me he is too young to be told about it. I guess I miscalculated my son. I thought he is not yet ready to hear it. I don’t really want to tell him because it just a sad thing. But I guess he is ready to hear it now. I’ve talked to Aaron and Jean a little bit about it. I will tell Chris slowly too, it will be hard for him too. But in time he will understand.
My other 2 siblings died before I was born, so not much to talk about it because I just know them. I just know them from what my parents told me. My siblings that died, our oldest brother he died minutes after he was born, the second one my sister she was 3 years old. I can’t remember I think it was from a bad flu. The other sister she died when she’s 27 years old and I just graduated my grade school at that time. She was handicapped from polio when she was 3 years old. It was really hard on my parents and me when she died. Why hard on me because I’ve been with her ever since I can remember until she passed. Wow, It will be her death anniversary in a few days time. It’s going be 32 years then. Wow, that long ago already and it seems it was yesterday that we hung out together at our house in the farm. I remember teaching her how to read and write. She was learning a little bit from me. But she was learning a lot from few teachers that lives with us in our house. They were teachers in our town and by my parents generosity they were offered to live with us for free. My dad was just happy that the teachers were so eager to teach the kids in our barrio.
Remembering my sister also remembering my parents. It’s been 20 years since my dad passed away and 5 years for my mom. I am slowly telling Jared about my family that passed on. He is really interested to know more about my dad, since me my nieces and my sisters were talking about my parents when my sister’s were here at our house during the kids graduations. The kids were really wishing they saw my dad and they are more interested to hear about him since they know that my dad fought during WW2. Luckily they saw my mom before she died. They had good fun memories of her. They would always remember her in our yard planting flowers.
To my Dad, Mom and my siblings we love you. My kids will know more about you guys. You guys will not be forgotten. We will see you there later!
good post ma’m
Thank you sanju.
Have a great day!
Hi Feyma,
In Cebu the constant of keeping a candle burning throughout the nine day nevena is the same as in your place. That was sweet that young Jared was touched at the thought that you lost siblings yourself as a young person, and curious in general about the family and happenings that he was just finding out about. As you said, he’s now at the age that he’s ready and can handle those feelings.
My husband lost a younger sibling when he was a child, as his younger 8 year old brother was shot and killed by a stray bullet during the burial of a town policeman. A rifle salute by fellow policemen that ensued at the end ceremony struck the child as he was just a bystander. He also lost his eldest brother to a motorcycle accident while he was already living in the States, and he had to rush home. He says that even though these losses happened a long time ago, they are still painful to him.
In knowing and speaking with many family members and friends, it seems that many Filipinos have lost siblings and family members early for many different reasons, some natural and some not. Is that your impression too Feyma?
Many families being so close-knit, the pain is felt deeply.
Sorry to here about your losses, even though they happened a long time ago, they still are in your memory.
Hi Queenie – That must be a Mindanao thing then to light candle all through out the 40 days of the person’s death then.
Yes I was really touched of Jared’s sincerity to know more about my childhood and my family. I am slowly telling him now. He likes to spend time with me on our porch after lunch, just chatting with me there. I can really see him maturing now and growing. Sometimes my other kids will be with us too.
I understand the feelings of your husband. It’s must be tough for him growing up losing a brother at a young age. Yeah, I think you are right we lost more family members here.
***”Many families being so close-knit, the pain is felt deeply.”***… I totally agree.
Thank you so much for the nice thought. I really appreciate that.
Always nice to see you here and share your thoughts. Thank you so much for stopping by!
Have a wonderful day!
Hi Femya – A friend in the subdivision where I live had his father just die. They have his body in the house for 10 days before burial. They have prayer and many visitors every day. It is about day 5 at the moment. Is this part of standard tradition here as well?
Hi Brenton – In some families the wake might go for a month in the house. They might be waiting for the family member to arrive from far away places. Like my mom we had her wake at the funeral parlor for 5 days. She could be buried early but we are waiting for the papers to be signed.
Your neighbor they might be waiting for a family member to arrive to attend the funeral service or they might also be waiting for all the papers signed, that will allow them to bury the dead person.
You are learning some of the culture here. Have fun learning.
Good to see you here. Have a pleasant day!
Yeah the culture is heaps different. We are learning slowly. We gave a gift of cassava and leche flan to the family that are having the wake. We figured Philippine people like desserts and that would be a good gift. They seemed happy about it the next day. A lot of the family members can’t remember my name though, so I told them just to call me dong. They seem quite at ease calling me dong. Culture is fun to learn.
My mom always buys me a drink too
Hi Diega – I’m sure… Especially it’s hot here in the Philippines.
Drinking fresh fruit juice… It’s more fun here in the Philippines!!!
Oh, you mean fruit juice? I thought you’re talkin bout drink as in alcoholic beverage…It’s just that, when you say or offer someone a drink it means alcoholic drink. Oh well, different cultures, different norms…
Hi Feyma,
Thanks for the post! The part about the candles brought back some bittersweet moments. My wife and I were penpals for over a year before we met. Her father died a couple of months before we met in person. Juliet was living with family in Mindinao and was unable to return for the funeral. Juliet and I met in Cebu because her ship had been diverted due to a typhoon.
When we got to her home in Bohol, we went to his grave and together we lit a candles and prayed. I wish I could have met her father. He was a fisherman and he supported his wife and nine children including my wonderful wife.
Hi Jay – I’m pretty sure it’s still hard on your wife now about the death of her dad. What part of Mindanao your wife’s family from?
I wonder if it’s the same in our area the traditions they have there in Bohol the lighting of the candle from day one when the person died until the 40th day.. My dad is from Bohol, but I don’t know about the place that much though…
Thank you for stopping by. Have fun reading here on LIP!
Hi Feyma,
She has two brothers and their wives and children in Aurora, Zamboanga del Sur.
the local malaysian filipinos here also practice similar tradition…. lighting candles during the wake and prayers for weeks.
Hi Alan – Good to know. I thought it’s just us Pinoys do that kind of thing.
Nice to see you here. Have a wonderful weekend!
Thank you for writing this. It caused me to pause again and think about my family.
Most of my family is still living in Ireland and the ones that moved to the USA in the 30’s and early 40’s have mostly passed away except for an aunt and uncle and a couple cousins.
Besides having an interest in history and family at a very early age, the stories that my grandparents and parents told of family both in the old country and far away, gave me a sense of belonging when schoolmates and friends spoke about all the cousins and relatives. I have various mementos and photos in my home that gives me a reminder of belonging even though they have passed on.
My step sister from Laos and raised for a few years in Thailand, is a practicing Buddhist has a photo of my mother in her home with the other family photos in the corner with the electric candles that are on all the time.
I have rambled long enough, but to summarize, to me that sense of family and belonging has been a comfort to me.
Thank you for the article, I enjoyed it much.
Hi LeRoy – I’m glad it brought back some family memories for you with these post. Are you living in Ireland or in the States? Bob’s grandparents used to be from Ireland before moving to the States.
I’ve seen some people here too have the dead person photo framed in one corner with electric candle lighting too. Way of honoring the person that died. Just by observing the family ties here in the Philippines is way more better than the other part of the world I think….
Thank you so much for your comment. Highly appreciated….Have a great day!
Good post Feyma. I will start the novena for late hubby’s death anniversary on JUne 9th. It is still very raw for me, only two years. My kids, who are bit older than yours, are still not over it..Of course, it is hard to imagine getting over a parent’s death.. worse for spouse.
Regards.. Perla
Hi Perla – Thank you so much. Do you have friends come over too at your house just like it here in the PI for the novena for your hubby? I can understand the hardship that you and your kids going through right now. It will be awhile. But in God’s term you will recover in no time. I’m really sorry to hear about your loss though.
Hope to see you when you retire here soon. Take care & God bless!
I think it is a good thing that you are making a specific effort to tell your children about their relatives who passed away before they were born. Don’t worry too much about it. Children can handle much more than we often give them credit for.
Regarding funeral customs: my Father in Law passed away just a few years ago. The 9 days of prayer were observed at their home here in the US. A funeral mass was held and his ashes were taken to the Philippines, where another mass was held. His ashes now rest in an urn in the family farm house, awaiting the time (far in the future, we pray) when my Mother in Law also passes away. They will then be buried together.
Whenever any of the family visits the home farm, formal prayers are said. The shelf with the urn is decorated with flowers, and a serving of food is placed by it. I think there is also a candle. At first, lots of people showed up. But we noticed that many were eating and taking food home, but not participating in the prayers. Now, it’s mostly an invitation only affair.
There are two older ladies who always lead the prayers. From what I understand, they are the only ones who can recite the proper prayers from memory. I can’t help but wonder who will lead the prayers when they’re gone. And also, who will lead the prayers for them.
Take care,
Pete
Hi Cordillera Cowboy/Pete – When a Filipina friend of mine died in the States her sister there didn’t do the 9 days prayer thing. But I think her parents and family here in the Philippines did that. Weeks later the husband and their son came here and brought her ashes. Good that your father-in-law’s family did all the 9 days prayer thing there in the States.
Those ladies that lead the prayer, I’m sure that they had someone follow their footstep within the family.
Good to see you here. Have a great day!
The candy thing must be regional, Feyma, but the 9- and 40-day prayer and candle-lighting affairs are similarly practiced in Salaza, a predominantly Ilocano barrio in the province of Zambales. I was not there to participate in those rituals because I had already returned to the States. My sister and I, however, returned separately to Salaza the following year to observe the year’s anniversary of our mother’s passing and to mark the official end of mourning, called the “babang luksa” in the vernacular. During the prayers, which was held in the sala of our house, my sister and I were required to wear a veil. Off to one side, a small table held my mother’s portrait, lighted candles, a plate of rice and viand, and a glass of water. But, there were no candies. At the end of prayers, the prayer ladies lifted the veils from our head to signify the end of mourning. The solemn event held in the sala of our house that day was an experience that I will always remember, enhanced particularly by hearing for the first time the Ilocano versions of the Lord’s Prayer, Hail Mary, Glory Be, and the Apostle’s Creed. And, because neither my sister nor I spoke Ilocano, we silently mouthed the words of the English equivalent of said prayers. These days, I am reminded of that solemn day in Salaza whenever I hear the “Ave Maria.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNUJA9N14eM
Hi John Reyes – Yeah some of the stuff we are doing here in our part of the country, you guys up North don’t do it. The placing of the food during prayer in the house we don’t do that here, but during we do put food on the grave during All Soul’s & All Saint’s Day. We light lots of candle.
We don’t do the veil thing during prayer for the death anniversary. But we do the same with you guys do the prayer for 9 days and big celebration on the date when the person died. Lights lots of candles on the grave. I think no matter what part of the country you are from, I think the prayers and the songs were so similar.
Thank you for the good info there. We Mindanaoan happy to know the rituals of the other place here in the Philippines.
Have a great day!