“Dear Feyma, I am a nurse who works in the States for a long time. Married to a Filipino that I meet while working here. I’ve been away in the Philippines for a long time now. Been sending money to my family there. They never been satisfied with the money that I was sending them. I’m a bit frustrated. They always want more. I sent them almost half of my pay check. Now I am torn if I should still support them or just give them money when its really needed? What do you think?”
Wow, what an interesting email I got from a lady torn between continuing to help or not. I know its been a big topic here always about members of family taking advantage of the person working from other side of the planet. It’s really hard for them. I would really like to know what your thoughts on this matter.
It’s been a problem to a lot of people for a long time and I know it never ends. I guess we can just give our little advice and hoping they will listen or learn from what we say here. I guess the husband of the lady that emailed me also support his sibling and parents here. They never talked of how much they are sending just each of them have the responsibilities (bills) on what to take care of on there household. She never asked him how much he was sending and he also in returned did not ask her how much she was sending back home. On one of her routine visits here when she landed at the airport one of her sibling told her that she should just have sent the money instead of spending it for the ticket and hotel expenses. The brother said it would have saved her some money.
My gosh right on her face telling her that. As if like we don’t really miss you but we just want the money though. She said she would have if they told her before coming here. She’s just so gullible. The family knows it too. One sibling asked a lot of money from her for something he had to pay because he owes money from somebody. She did not mention if she give the money or not.
For me she should just cut off the sending unless its really important like her moms hospitalization and mom’s food. I don’t have problem for her supporting the mom. The mom also should not be giving the money to her kids. If it gets to the point where the mom’s giving? She should do what a friend of mine did before. She cut off the money support for her mom instead she uses some gift delivery business like ours to send anything to her mom like groceries, sometimes food. Before my friend sends almost all her paycheck to her mom thinking they are going to build the house from the land she bought too. It turned out later that all the money she sent was just wasted by the siblings and the parents just allowed it. She was really devastated and did not come home for a long time until her mom got ill. She told me that shes sending money just for her mom and it would be accounted for now. I know she’s really hurt because when ever she talked to me about her family she would really cried.
I told her to go home and see her mom while she’s still alive and talked to her. The thing that really bothered her she really sacrificed working abroad for a long time and try to handle the cruelty of the employer just for her family to have a good life. Part of it she wants to build them a house and the family just wasted all the money she sent. Her hurt was too deep that she did went to a counselor for it. I would not want this to happen on the lady that emailed me. Right now she just has to set some rules for her family and go from there. If the family doesn’t want the rules then time for her to move on then. Like I told her even if she brought with her a whole airplane load of money it is still not enough for the family. Still, they want more. Thats just life. I know not all families are like that but theirs some though.
Personally Bob and I been helping our nieces for a long time ever since they’re in grade school. When they reach up to college we’re still supporting them. One of them almost finished up nursing when she finally decided that she wanted to get wild instead and moved out from our house and she was treated very well at our household with the maids prepared all her stuff for her. Then just 3 months after moving out she got pregnant. Hey, and we are blamed by her and her siblings that we did not do enough for them. As expected never get any thank you from them. They really think they are better than us though.
Any advice is highly appreciated. Thank you guys for always giving.
Hi Feyma – Emy & I use a trusted third party to handle disbursing the money. We send the money to the trusted third party, who in turn investigates the needs of the family wanting money, and hands out what is appropriate when it is truly needed. The trusted third party can spot a phony request for money and well as identify the family member(s) who only want to have a nice, easy, lazy life.
Having such a representative on site really helps us and the family.
Hi PaulK – That’s good point there Paul. Hopefully our readers will get it.
Good to see you Paul.
Take care!
The situation is very complicated, everyone has to find their own way to deal with it. It is not good to create dependencies. Fair enough, the mother needs help, there is no aged pension for most Pinoy. Giving to other family members who are not studying is encouraging them to do nothing. I had a nephew who decided to drop out of high school there. 3 months later he decided to ‘hang out’ at my place while his dad was giving him a hard time about either getting a job or going back to school. That was a big mistake on his part. His english is non existent, so asawa ko translated for me. I told him to get some dignity. I told him I would walk him up to the Aeta (aboriginal locals) farm and introduce him. They would give him some food from their farm for working. At least he could then contribute to the family and he would have a reference for other employers, that he is a keen, good worker. He went back to school 2 weeks later. The way I see it one has to be tough. It is not nice, but one simply must be. Unemployment is a wicked trap, which gets harder and harder to get out of the longer one is in it. I look after my wife’s needs, her mother’s and our children’s. That is it. Everyone in the family works and I respect them very much for that. I have no wish to be a charity or to take away the dignity of others. I am not Santa Claus and God did not send me to fix everyone’s problems. I take care of my responsibilities, I bring a little utang na loobe home when I come back for everyone. But that’s it. Life is tough and we all have to be tough to get through it.
Hi Barry Humphries – You got that right. Tough it out. I know its hard. Lots of stand by (no job) people here in the Philippines just waiting for the support of the family that works abroad. It’s tolerated by the family though.
Good comment and I hope our readers learn from it.
Thank you for stopping by here! Take care!
Tough call, but I feel she is being abused by her family, I’d would only contribute for medical reasons or education…both of which must be verified.
Is it better to give them a fish, or to teach them to catch their own? I agree with Brian, Day to day living expenses, no, that’s what work is for. Medical or education, yes!
Trust, by verify.
Hi Paul Thompson – Agree with you Paul.
Take care!
Hi Brian – I’m with you on that. Nice comment.
Good to see you here!
Pinoy dependants are like poor people the world over, most of them don’t know the value of money and how hard their relatives abroad have to work to get it. Most think people abroad pick up money for nothing and expect to sit at home enjoying the sunshine and doing nothing constructive and expect a regular meal ticket from their hard working relatives abroad. She should only send money over for her mom’s medical and living expenses and if she’s feeling generous help out with educational expenses for children of the extended family. Anything else and the family will never learn to stand on their own 2 feet and this will be perpetuated from generation to generation. You have to be cruel to be kind.
Hi Tony – Spot on. Can’t agree you more.
Thank you very much for your nice comment. Take care!
Well! I think the lady needs to inform her family that she no longer has any money to send and the way it looks will problaby be 5 to 10 or 20 years before there will be any extra to send.Then she needs to inform the rest of the family that it is their turn to find the money they need to take care of what ever they need and want and let them know if they want some food they best go work for it..want a load for the phone…best go work for it…want money for net coffee cafe..best go work for it…want money for clothes..best go work for it…want money for pocket..best go work for it…Etc..Etc..I know to some this sounds harsh and sure this nice lady will never do much of any of this..but!From the sounds of it none of her family respects her or what she has done for them and they all from they way I look at it are very, very selfish people…[sure happy I knot have any family like this ] Would be the best thing she ever did..because after all what would her lazy family do if she..lets say..passed on and no longer available…their would be no money…Of course I understand the catch 22 in all of this is her Mother!
Hi Dan – I know that its hard for her to do to cut the family off. But she has to do it. They will continue abusing her if she won’t. The family will not find any job if she keep sending them money.
Thank you for your good advice. Highly appreciated. Nice to see you here!
Hello Feyma!
About a week ago, there was a suggestion from one of the online dating sites, titled “Money and your Girl’s Family.”
I will mention what caught my attention the most.
“My plan is if they don’t have health insurance provide Philhealth insurance plan for them. The cost is based on income levels of the family and is usually less than $10 a month. That avoids the need but not necessarily the requests for hundreds and thousands of dollars for medical expenses that will evitably come up as the parents age.”
As a side note, this would eliminate a girl from scamming you in telling you that a family member is sick almost monthly. (Been there, done that).
Continuing on with the suggestion: “Then I believe that income needs for the parents should be in the range of $200-$3000 a month divided equally between the working age children. So an average of 3 working kids means your girl need to send $70-$100 a month for support. Arguments made to me that my girl is the only earner right now so I need to provide everything holds no water with me. In this world you reap what you sow and if parents did a bad job raising 3 out of 4 kids then they can retire on the fruits of their labors at $70-$100 a month. People all over the world would like to increase their income and these folks are no exception. So you will be asked in many ways to share the wealth. Discuss this matter frankly with your girl so you know exactly what kind of pressure to expect if you marry into this family. On a positive note Filipinos are among the happiest people on this earth and will share their last meal with you no thought to the morrow. But we all know that tomorrow does arrive and basic needs must be met. Spend time getting to know her family and try to understand how she views her family obligations before you make a final selection. Collect and collect and then carefully select the right girl for you.”
Hi Ed Griffin – Good advice. I hope it works out good for a lot of people here too.
Thank you for stopping by. Keep reading here!
Take care!
Hello Feyma
When my wife arrived in Canada, I told her some important things regarding money. I knew that she wanted to help out her family, which I think is fine to a certain point. I told her, “don’t forget that it’s just you and me now and we need to support each other before others”. As of now, she only sends money when it is a birthday or a very special event. Asking for money and not being satisfied with it I call that being selffish and greedy! We are not in her situation, so I cannot comment too much but remember that the person working hard also has to live!
My 2 cents.
Hi Jason – Very good advice there for our readers here. Good thinking for you and your wife.
Thank you for the nice comment. Take care!
Great topic, Feyma! If I’d read this article, earlier, I wouldn’t have brought up a similar discussion in the “Meeting the family” thread, in the forums.
Aside from wanting to live by the beach, the chief reason for my wife & I building a home on Samal is to put a bit of distance between us & my wife’s siblings, who live near Victoria Plaza. Through the past 18+ years, I would estimate that we have “wasted” over $100,000 USD, trying to help my wife’s siblings & nephews/nieces improve their lives. Unfortunately, my wife often buys into the siblings’ myth of there being no jobs in Davao.
I’ve read some great suggestions in these responses to your article. Paying for health coverage and education – paid to the university/college – are terrific ways to reduce doubt as to how money is being spent. Paul K’s suggestion of a trusted intermediary is great, if you know of such a person in the same area as the family.
I once suggested to my wife that she write a book, both in Tagalog & Cebuano, which explains to Filipinos what life is like outside of The Philippines & how hard their relative works to help them out. She’ll never do it, so I thought I’d suggest the same, here, in case someone wanted to “run” with the idea. If such a book already exists, let me know and I’ll buy several copies to send to my in-laws as gifts.(lol)
As a few of my wife’s nephews & nieces have done the same as your niece(pregnancy), I am considering installing a condom machine in the family home!
Mike
mike u should send them all a copy of 49 ways to earn a living in the philippines.lol maybe that would help 100grand is alot of dough could buy a really nice sail boat
Hi Jason – Good thinking… 😉 Thats really good book…
Take care!
Hi Mike(Bangkaboat) – A lot of people I mean readers of this site experienced what you just had. Welcome to the club. Its really a never ending problems of families that works or lived abroad.
One good thing on this site you can get lots of advice and input from other people here. Yeah could be a good book to write.
You already had land in Samal? What part of Samal? Our land is in Limao.
Good luck to you and your wife.
Thank you for stopping by. Keep reading. Take care!
Feyma,
My wife, Jeanne, and I have a few lots in the Tagpopongan area & a few lots near Balet. My wife grew up in Obrero. We have other beach properties in Dalaguete & Argao, but we prefer the Davao area. We have a house in Buhangin, which is rented out. I had hoped that our house in Tagpopongan would be finished by the time I arrived, but it looks like I’ll have to stay in Obrero or at one of the resorts on Samal & supervise the completion of the Tag beach house.
Mike
Hi Mike(Bangkaboat) – Good that you are set to live here. Just have fun and enjoy here. Good luck with your house building. Hopefully it will be done soon.
Take care. Good to see you again.
Spot on Mike. When I fly from work into the city 1 night in a shared room costs a weeks rent for our whole house in the Philippines. Fish and chips for 1 costs the same as the whole household budget for a day. If I have an unscheduled 5 minute break at work my boss gets irate. I have been in a lot of worksites in various sectors in the Philippines. The pressure level is nothing compared to in western countries. I would approximate it is normal to spend about half the time at work in the Philippines doing nothing productive at all.
I agree with your suggestion and Paul’s about funding through 3rd parties, if at all. The excuse that there’s no work is overused in the extreme in the Philippines. The fact is that if those whining start by volunteering somewhere or taking any job they can get nomatter what the pay, they will get better opportunities in time. Nobody wants to employ someone who is not used to working, not showing they are motivated. The Lady Feyma is quoting here seems to have fallen into the trap of making it too easy for her family to do nothing. I look at it this way: if I give 5,000 pesos to someone there, that is roughly 1 months wages for most of my family members. Not what they could save in a month, but the entire wage. I have just demotivated this person dramaticly. Why get up at 5 am rush to get ready, catch the bus, work 10 hours, rush home, eat sleep and do it all again 6 days a week; when a few minutes of telling a sad story to the balik bayan will achieve a weeks or a months wages?
Hi Barry Humphries – Thank you for the good comment. Highly appreciated…
Good to see you again! Take care!
Hallo Feyma ,
for 25 years we supported my parents in law , in 2007 mother died ,
wife goes to iligan and spend 7000$ on the funeral .
Now my father in law died and i am allso in iligan Álmost all the arrangements that my family made [ for us to pay ] i cancelled , when i saw the house and 3 motors of my brother in law .
I told him tho share costs , he say has no money ,then instead a coffin of 55.000 P i ordered one of 20.000 ,
also from the cathedral i changed to a small church .
and every day the family still comes for money for stuff i think it is not necesery .
Also before we payed for edecation of some of the kids ,
but now i see my niece , 19 years [ 5 yr college,s ] is
pregnant , will marrie and live in the house of her mother , same her sister , has already baby , so the money for both was wasted
same the son of my wife,s brother , we payed , but he not work , can not find any .
But all have a cell-phone , TV ,
What i mean is this , it,s okay send LITTLE money to your parents ,
but do not overdo .
Now , both parents gone , i told that we send no more money , and SELL the little house we bild for them , [ they where allready arguing who is gonna live there.
I said only one with a job , [and thats not the wife selling on the market ]can RENT [ so pay us ]
some of the boys i showed some things to do , they say : be ashamed to do that .
And it is true , they always wants more , but they spoiled on cell-phones and things like that !
It,s a good thing to support , but only little money
Gr , Anton , from Netherlands , now in iligan city.
Hi Anton – Good for you. They don’t have money but they will choose expensive stuff for you to pay. Regarding cell phone I also wonder that myself, they had no money but can afford to buy cell phone and load. Sometimes I just don’t get it.
Yeah, some job here that the college level will not do because its too low for them. I think even if they go hungry they will not do it.
I know how you feel about you supporting your nieces and got pregnant. Really hard. We’ve been there with our nieces too.
Good luck to you and your wife. Good to see you here. Keep reading.
Take care!
well i havent had any bad exsperiances the family i married into isnt greedy and they are not lazy people and they try to help me out with my projects when i am there but from time to time i will help them. mischel and i allow our neices to live with us 2 yrs 5 yrs and 8 yrs old but thier parents gave us 2k weekly not much but i guess it better than nothing and i feel good knowing they have a decent home to live in and good food to eat everyday but as far as just giving away money no way i would never get into a bussiness venture with any family memeber and as far as vacations and clothes and cell phones go if u want one go to work
Hi Jason – Good that it really work out good for you. More power to you and your wife.
Take care!
I have experienced some scams in the Philippines that have now been terminated and nearly all of them involved relatives. There was my aunt who used her daughter’s ear problems to get money for a regular doctor visits. A cousin and his wife who used to live in my parents home for free and who skillfully asked for money to fix the house and used the money for something else instead. There was a friend who works as a nurse in Chicago who sent over $100K to her brother to build the family home. Brother started the home, but as the money kept coming in, he built used the money to build his own house. Family home remains unfinished and brother has a nice house.
Problem with Filipinos is that they feel so sorry (or feel guilty) to those they left behind that they don’t verify how their money is being spent. The answers have been pointed out in this blog. When we started a scholarship to help pay for tuition for a dozen high school students, we paid the school directly using a third party intermediary and only when the money was due. Then we would verify with the school whether money was paid or not. It was for a semester at a time so even if the 3rd party intermediary goes sour on us, we would only lose a small amount. It worked. When I visit the Philippines and relatives ask to “borrow” from me, I always ask them how they’re going to pay me back. They don’t ask anymore.
Hi Aldel – Typical problems of Filipino working or a Pinay married to foreigner. Almost always this problem comes up. I really hope that the working Filipino abroad will learned how to save some money for themselves.
A cousin of mine worked in Egypt for 8 years and came home with nothing. She sent all her money to her mom and mom just gave it all away to her kids.
Yes, I think third party might not be a bad idea. Just really make sure you know them well.
Regarding loan, most of it will not be paid back. Some will too.
Thank you for sharing your story. Good to see you here.
Take care!
Working in the middle east all the above tales are so familiar – living in hotels I meet many Filipina staff,mainly single mothers who send 90% of their salaries home.Most of them earn less than $250 a month so it is real hardship – one girl told me she could not go home on holiday that year as she had no money for pasalubong.They are exploited by relatives that cannot comprehend that the money they get is hard earned.
Hi Bryan G – Those OFW works so hard. They even sacrifice by leaving their kids behind just to worked abroad for a better life for their kids. Sometimes the kids don’t even appreciate the hard work of their parents.
Good to see you here. Thank you for stopping by!
Another point so far overlooked here is the national interest. What good is it to the Philippines to have tens of millions of people being non productive? Eventually the country needs to learn to stand on it’s own feet. Money being sent in for investment purposes (education, infrastructure, business enterprize) makes sense; but maintaining people of working age and ability who choose not to work is non productive. If family members have breached trust to the extreme level shown by Feyma’s letter writer; a 3rd party needs to be appointed to look after only the needs of the elderly parent. The parasitical nature of some people is astounding. If anyone in my family tried that I would get completely away from them and give them exactly nothing. It’s a slippery slope. I think anyone starting out had better be very carefull about this issue. It is better not to begin fostering dependencies. Once you have started, it is much harder to stop. Make a clear line when you 1st get involved and stick to it.
Hi Barry Humphries – Good point. Can’t argue on that.
>>>It is better not to begin fostering dependencies. Once you have started, it is much harder to stop. Make a clear line when you 1st get involved and stick to it.<<<<
Really true. I totally agree with you.
Thank you for your advice. Nice seeing you here again.
Take care!
kamusta feyma
i know all to well how the extended family in philippines is allways expecting more and more every day.i would say everytime me and my wife have a dissagrement it is about sending money to her family.even friends allways have emergencys on a regular basis.to be truethful i feel bad for my wife alot of times because she is right in the middle of it all.i guess all her family and friends think she is a savior to them all or aka walking atm machine.this is one of the things i didnt know when i met my fiancee in davao.it has certainly been an ongoing issue for us.we are paying for 1 sister in collage and 1 brother in collage plus her mom had a new baby knowing we would pay for everything.pay we did and still paying to this day.as all this transpires i think to myself of how did these people live before i come into thier lives.dont get me wrong ,i dont mind to help but for them to depend totally on us is stressful.i try to bring happiness to my wife and family but at the expence of my own.for this i truely know i love my wife.no offence to any pinoys but just my own personal experiences.
nice article salamat femya
Hi Ron – I can understand your sentiments. Honestly I think your wife needs to talk to her family. With friends its not your wife’s responsibility to give to them. Her friends should know not to ask any money from you guys anymore.
You also have to live and paid bills and eat. It’s good to give but just limit it.
Hey, have fun with your wife and kid. We just live once.
Good luck to you. I hope you guys can sort things out with her family.
Take care!
OMG Ron!!! Didn’t you do your homework before you married? Sorry to say it but you are a classic sucker. Guys reading this considering marrying a Filipina DO NOT BE LIKE RON!!! This situation is too easy to fall into. You absolutely have to draw a line very early in the relatioship and stick to it. This situation is a real disaster. My agreement from the beginning was to look after the needs of my mother in law only. Beyond this I made it clear I will never refuse anyone a meal, friend or family. But besides my wife, children and mother in law nobody gets anything from me except when we host a party, like a birthday. I bring little goodies for each of the family when I have been overseas. The writing on the wall is very obvious, if you look. Do not allow yourself to become a walking wallet or ATM. It will ruin you and your marriage. I can’t say this strongly enough.
hi
im a filipina, ive been living here in the us for 33 years, left the philippines when i was seven. when my father got sink a few months ago in the philippines, my brother emailed me and said, that i needed to send MORE money so I COULD PAY the medical expenses. i already sent a little more before his email. i started sending a certain amount going on five years now, when i knew our parents were getting along in years and started needing financial help, not just because i could send them money. i send every six months an allotted amount for every month is how i budget the amount that i send. that makes sence to me, the person paying out, i have a budget too. how my parents spend it, thats up to them. but they dont get, and i dont send anymore money for another six months, so twice a year i send) i put my brother on NOTE telling him that encase he didnt know (of course he does) that i already send our parents money, and i was not their only child therefore they are not my sole financial responsibility and obligation. he did not respond to that email.
my other brother hit me up to “borrow” money to start his little store. he stated he would pay me back “whenever he could”. well, i asked him for a business plan, and asked alot of business related questions. he has not answered that email and has not asked to borrow again.
how long has your wife been here in the states? does she have a job? its a different take on money when you have to earn it and then give it away. how are YOUR bills going to get paid? its a different existence here in america. ive not been in raining money here. maybe the feeling of being “alone” for her has not set in yet and the need to be self sufficient for those times. that takes living here for awhile and also taking the blinders off.
i meant when my father got SICK, not sink—sorry
Hi Maria – Really good advice for everyone that reads this site. I hope that they will get something from what your comment.
Happy to see you here. Thank you for the good advice.
Take care and God bless!
Hi feyma, this problem seems fairly common for Phillipinos living abroad. My wife was having similar problem, so she cut herself off from the family for 10 years. Now the family have been reaquanted for 10 years, and boy have they changed their tune. Now they realise that they will get some help from their sibling, but dont ask for anything unreasonable. Now when we visit R.P, they are so happy because everyone is going to get plenty of food, drink, and good times are had by all.
hello anthony.
could you and your wife talk to my wife,thanks so much,,,forever in your debt,
ron
Hi Ron – 😉
Good luck!!!
Hi Ron. I guess Phillipinos dealing with families back home, is a bit like walking the highwire. Best wishes to you and your family.
Hi Anthony – Good for you and your wife. I’m really happy for you.
Good thing her family learned their lessons.
Happy to see you here.
Take care!
Pinoy social structures are somewhat “tribal mentality”, if someone in the tribe/circle gets a windfall its expected that they share with the others if they do not they get ostracized by the group, come to think of it vampire bats are the same way.(not to be demeaning for this occurs in most societys)
So true, Brian – an old Ilocano saying: “When it rains, everyone gets wet!” (When there’s a windfall, everyone gets a piece.)
Hi Paul – 🙂
Hi Brian – Yes so true…
My girlfriend of many years in Canada also supports her family 7 sibblings, like most over seas workers. She pays for one in high school (number one student every year) and therefor he is in many competitions and she pays everything. Then two in collage. She sends allowance 100 pesos each per week for spending money at school, plus all tuitions. It seems her family is asking for 5000 to 10000 pesos every week or two. When we visit we pay for everything, this trip they were planting corn, and she was buying all the fertilizer, and diesle,as well as everything else. Back in September after watching her sending money all the time and wondering why they can’t better themselves I had an ideal. I purchased 7 of them 3 pigs each and food for all 21 pigs for 4 months.
I told them this was an intrest free loan they would be required to pay back. The cost was 2000 pesos per pig for 42,000 and the cost of the feed was 84,000 for a total of 126,000 pesos. They were to sell the pigs in 4 months time at a weight of 100 kilos each and 10,000 pesos per pig. This would give them a profit of 84,000. I was arriving on New Years Eve and would be reimbersed my 126,000 before leaving at the end of January. I thought this would get them started and they could roll the free investment and start a piggery. They began selling there pigs and I thought I did not require the money yet so I told them if they rolled the investment and purchased more pigs I could wait another 4 months for my money. I was expecting about 40 or 50 pigs when I arrived there on New Years Eve. There were only about 15 less then they started with. I was told they used the money for corn seed or to rent extra land to plant more corn. If there had been 40 or 50 pigs I was going to let them have the money because it would take some burden off my girl friend, they would have had a profitable piggery and over 100 pigs in no time if they rolled the investment. My girlfriend told them I require the money back in April. Now we will see if they can come up with the pesos. We love helping and honestly it makes us feel warm inside but they also need to help themselves. I find they become very dependant on us and when given the chance I gave them with the pigs they did not do what they said, and I was disappointed when I only saw 15 pigs. We also send many box’s of clothing and food at least 10 per year. When visiting they seem to have alot more than most but it seems never to be enough.
Hi Mike in Canada – I’ve heard of similar story with what your girlfriend been through. Honestly the asking never stop if you keep giving.
I really hope that the family will pay you back which I kind of doubt they would. But hopefully they will.
Good luck to you and your girlfriend. Good to see you here. Thank you for sharing your story. Take care!
Mike in Canada,
You can kiss all of the money you lent to girlfriend’s family goodbye. There is no such thing as a loan in the PI.
Hi Don – Yes a lot of families just would not think of paying it back.
Thank you for the comment.
Take care!
how about atleast a roast pig upon your arrival?
Hi Maria – Good thinking. 😉
It’s not just OFW’s being asked to send money home. My future asawa was in Manila working 14 hour days as a maid when she was 16 years old. She would send 1/2 of what she made home.
I know Juramie will be asked for money when she is here in the USA. I wish I could teach her to deposit in a savings account the same money she sends to family.
Hi Jack – Yes your right its not just OFW, people that married to a foreigner too sends money to family here.
Expect that the family and friends will asked her. Its just up to her if she will give in always.
Good luck to you. Take care!
typical pinoy bad habits. they are lazy .
thats not true i know many pinoys who are rich even by american standards who are not lazy and are self made who didnt come from money.maybe u just got scammed by some pretty lil lady and thats why u allways have negative things to say about filipinos but dont judge a whole group by a few there are many many more good pinoys than bad.
Hi Jason – True enough.
Good to see you here. Thank you for your comment.
Take care!
Hi Eric – I would disagree on that. Not all Filipinos are lazy. Lots of rich Pinoy families here. They must work very hard too.
Take care. Hope to see you more here!
Hi Feyma,
This is my first time to read and response to your column. I love the !
websites of Bob!
I married a filipina from Bukidnon and we now live in the USA. I told her when we married that in the U.S. I am not rich and the money I earn must go to support us and our children. I will not be able to support her brothers, sisters, or parents.
She agreed to it and for 9 years, we have sent a few balik bayan boxes of U.S. merchandise and small amounts of hidden cash 😉 to her parents, but no ongoing money.
She has a sister in Manila working as a maid in Makati and the brothers in Mindanao constantly make her guilty and convince her to send her wages to them for “mama”. But mama has gotten no money at all! The brothers spend it on their own wives! The sister in Manila is furious and tells my wife this on the phone often.
My wife now understands why I told her in the beginning that I would not support her family and she is in full agreement with me on it.
She continues to tell the sister in Manila to save her money and Do Not send anymore to the brothers!
If she wants to give money to Mama, she must make a trip home and give it direct to Mama! That is the only way for her.
The truth is that her Parents own land and farm it in Bukidnon and they are able to make enough to support themselves from their land, so they really do not need any money. Each brother has a job and is able to live on his own wages.
They just beg for money because it is easy money for pleasure spending!
I love to give money, and help people, but not to a beggar who lies to make me feel guilty!
I know each situation is different, but I have heard many stories from many Filipinas here in the US about family members lying just make them feel guilty and send money.
Aaron
Hi Aaron – Welcome to our site. I’m glad you liked it. Hope you continue reading and sharing here.
You and your wife had a good set up there. Something for our readers to learned. Good thing you started like that and you and your wife had no headache at the end. Good for you guys.
Thank you for your comment. Keep reading.
Take care!
I feel sorry for you guys who are in this situation … but please teach them the value of money and education. Live within your means, work hard be productive to yourself to your family to your community. One of the reason why there’s a lot of poverty in my country is many young people marry early, have lots of children, no permanent work and no concerns of their children’s future. And their children will also have the same attitude of the parents and so on. They just multiply so the poverty multiply too. SO FILIPINO PARENTS WAKE UP! Don’t blame the government of your poverty, do your share to the country by starting it in your family.
My Canadian husband is lucky he does not have this kind of bad experience of wife’s family being financially dependent to him, never at all. I belong to a FILIPINO FAMILY raised and taught well by my parents. We’re not rich but my father instill in our minds and in our hearts the value of education. He usually make examples of what our life will be if we do not have our college diploma. He died before I graduate in college. I’m the second of seven children in the family and yes I help my other siblings in college and my other sister help too. Except for our eldest sister, we are all college graduates and have good jobs. I supervise my siblings and guided them emotionally and spiritually.
I married late, it’s not a choice because I haven’t found the right love in my younger years. I married at 36 to a Canadian, I now lives in Canada. I do miss my job there in Philippines, I miss my busy life working and helping others find jobs.
Hi JWebb – Good for you. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. Hope that the people that read your comments get your advice and apply to themselves.
Good to see you here. Thank you for stopping by! Keep reading.
Take care!
This is a good topic Feyma, one that is close to the heart of many OFW’s and overseas residents.
Our approach is that we do not send any money to my Wife’s family! Full Stop. We never did, because it’s a habit that becomes an expectation and it’s impossible to stop once it’s started.
All the family are sane sensible and intelligent people, all capable of earning a living and planning for their own future, with the exception perhaps of a few, who would never be off our backs if we let the habit start, but we are never asked because the answer is known to be NO. We take the point of view, and have voiced it loudly and clearly, that our responsibility is to OUR children, and their future, and if we diluted our income by giving it to others then we would be depriving our own children of the quality of life we want them to have, and the ongoing benefits of that to their own children further down the line.
I know this all comes across and sounds selfish, but I look at it like this – give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him how to fish and he eats for life. If we really want to help someone, it’s best achieved by trying to work something out that will have a long term benefit for that person and his or her children. I know that you and Bob have tried to help family members in this way.
It’s a really hard thing to say, but the culture in a lot of developing countries of a family depending on one or two working members actually perpetuates and more or less guarantees poverty for future generations, and that has no advantages for anyone, present or future, so that culture really has to change.
So, having said all that, I will now be a social leper, but hey, it’s my opinion, and that’s that. My advice to anyone is not to let this problem start in the first place, and if it already has, to get tough, and find out where the money really goes. It always sounds a lot when Filipinos hear of overseas earnings, but it’s not understood that the cost of living overseas is also very high, I know of many Filipinos who work overseas and lead a VERY poor life, both financially and in terms of quality, while sending money back to parents who enjoy a lovely life playing majiong in the sun all day long.
Am I just a selfish, hard hearted foreigner?
Hi Jim Hannah – You said it all. Good advice there. Highly appreciated.
>>>>Am I just a selfish, hard hearted foreigner?<<<<
Hey, its your opinion though. Its up to the readers to agree or disagree with you.
Thank you for your thoughts. Good to see you here. Keep reading.
Take care!
Aloha Feyma, Im pinoy married to a pinay in davao living in hawaii. We also had this problem before where parents were holding the ATM. We loan a land and expected them to pay the monthly payments from the money we sent. I called the company to follow up on payments to find out that we are 5 months delayed. I was disgusted and have my relatives took the ATM away from them. I now have a trustee who double check any request like they ask us to pay for their electric. Some family will just take advantage and lie to your face. Its better to have a third party to send the money or food. Right now, im still disgusted coz they sent the message wrong text that they want to pay for Last Two numbers after they receive the money. Oh well, I’ll just leave it to God. The main thing is that my wife is happy and we dont fight over her family. We just sent them $40 to $60 per week.
Hi Jeff – How are you? I think I remember you before. Are you the one that had a house and lot at a subdivision near SM? I felt for you. I’ve heard so many stories like your before. The good thing for you, you did try to put a stop to it.
$40-$60 a week is still pretty good money for your wife’s family.
Good to see you again and thank you for your comment. Keep reading!
Take care!
Aloha Feyma,
Yes I have a house near SM at Tulip drive. I have a trustee now who oversees all our properties there including my brothers and sister house.
I’d like to let you know if you know someone who are looking for a place to rent. My upstairs unit 2 bedrooms 1 bath is now available fully furnished. This is at Fuente de Villa Abrille subdivision. Email me if you need more information. You and Bob may have friends that needs a place. Id prefer at least 6 months lease.
Mahalo and have a blessed day to you and the family circle.
I said from the begining to my husband that we can send money (around 8500 Pessos/month) to his parrents, and that I’ll be happy to help his parrents – espcially since they are geting older and there’s no pensions in the Philippines. BUT I also said from the start that I will not under any surcumstances pay for cussins, friends or anyone outside the emidiate familly (that means mum and dad) because 1) we can not feed the entire nation 2) Nothing good comes from spoon feeding people 3) the young people should learn responsibilty and create their own luck instead of depending on foreign cash flow.
At first this meant a little arguement but after 2 or 3 months he finally realised this to be okay, and unfortunately when we went to Philippines last year the first time after he moved to Europe he learned it the hard way, because many of those that are not emidiate familly was asking him for money.
I know opportunities do not grow on trees in the Philippines, but sometimes it makes me angry to see that some people are so tucked in by the concept of being poor that they think they have no other alternative…
I find myself in a rather similar yet different circumstance that those (read “American/European men”) who have posted here with their frustrations of supporting the extended Filipino families of their wives or girlfriends. I am an American Filipino WOMAN.
I was raised in San Francisco since my coming to the U.S at the tender age of 2. Although I was not born in the U.S. I am for all intents and purposes, America through and through. While rice is a staple Filipino food McDonald’s Happy Meals were mine. But I digress….
I have recently married a Filipino man who has been residing here in the U.S for the past 10 years or so. He is a wonderful man and has a beautiful heart which is why I love him and married him. HOWEVER, his family in the Philippines is and has been the bone of contention between the two of us for the past several months. His parents recently went back to the Philippines because his father just wanted to go home even though is diagnosed with metastasizing liver cancer. He has no health insurance in the Islands but full coverage here in the U.S. He was on disability here in the the U.S. but since he went back home to the Islands his disability pension from the U.S. government is now cut off. My husband’s mother just realized that she must come back to the U.S every 6 months for at least a 30-day stay in the U.S. to keep up the social security payments which they rely on to survive. So now here we are….They (all the relatives) are now calling my husband in the middle of the night asking for monetary help (to help pay for the plane ticket back and forth every six months, plus a monthly allowance that I am told we “should” give). I am livid. I want to talk to these people and explain that my husband is not a human ATM machine. But it is not my place. It is my husband who must talk to them, but he is given the heavy dose of guilt and obligation speech by his siblings.
Needless to say, this has caused much friction in my marriage. Let me be clear that I have no qualms whatsoever of looking like the “Bad guy” to my husbands relatives if that means that they will leave my family alone. My husband has given thousands of dollars to his parents as well as to relatives.
I will see the mother next week when she comes to visit. I want to speak with her regarding this behavior and how it is unacceptable to expect this from us, but my husband is embarrassed. I don’t know what to do….
Someone please correct me if I am wrong. There are two things here that strikes me as maybe not correct. First, you say your Dad’s disability payment from the U.S. government is cut off because he moved to the Philippines. Second, your Mom has to return to the States every 6 months for 30 days to keep up the social security payments. I am assuming they are both U.S. citizens. If so, don’t both the disability and social security payments continue even if they are in the Philippines? There’s a requirement, I think, about the necessity of returning to the U.S. periodically, but I don’t think that’s tied in to the social security payment. Paul Keating, your opinion, please…
Hi John,
No…Neither my in-laws are U.S citizens. That is why M-I-L has to return to U.S. every six months as dictated by the SSI department. F-I-L was on disability but because he suddenly left for the Philippines for more that 30 days his disability income is automatically discontinued. Why they did not think these important factors through BEFORE going back to the Islands is beyond my comprehension.
Im from the Philippines and my family is on the pit of financial crisis. My dad is sick, as well as my youngest sister. My dad has a heart enlargement and my sister is suffering a nervous breakdown. I want to help my family. Do you know a person or a private lending company where i can ask for a financial assistance? I cannot apply a loan in the bank because i am unemployed. I will pay the money i will loan out of my monthly allotment from my husband who is a seaman. Just terribly needed the money. Ive seek the help of my relatives and friends but they too have financial problem. I even seek the help of my brother who is a priest but he cannot help us financially because his congregation has no enough means. Hope you could help me… I need a philanthropist who will help me without a doubt. thank you!