We had an incident that happened here in Davao over 4 years ago. Bob and I and our foreigner friend together with his half Filipino brother went to a have coffee just to talked about school and living here, because the half brother just came from the States wanting to study here for college. He wanted to have some information about Ateneo college since thats the school he wanted to go to. We probably stayed there at the coffee place for an hour or so. While there one of the topic that we talk about was the homeless kids here in Davao. We suggested to see more of this kids that late at night would be at Chowking food place just right across Victoria Plaza. We went there just for him to see it. As soon as we got there he could see that there are a lot of homeless kids there. So we went inside and decided to just order some drinks and sit down. Then, we found a table that near the window at the very back of the restaurant. Bob and I sit together and our friend and his brother was sitting just next to us. After eating, the four of us still chatting about the homeless kids. The half brother of our friend stood up and decided to sit on the table next to us just to see more of the homeless kids because they are playing outside. Our friend was sitting on the table for about 5 minutes and there came a customer from one of the TV stations here, he was an employee of the station, since he wore a uniform. He made a comment that he would like our friend to get off the table and sit on the chair, he said it is disrespectful to sit on a table. Our friend did follow what he said and just sit next to us and he apologize to those people. The old man next to those TV people also butted in and was talking bad to our friend. Our friend apologized to him too. He told them that he was sorry that his actions offend them and that was not his intention. That he would never do it again. So our friend was sitting next to us and just trying to just forget what just happen and join in again with our conversation. Minute after, those people are still talking about our friend, and then they’re attacking me now. They said I should discipline our friend. They are just talking bad about me. One of the guys that was talking bad about me he was eating noodles and the noodles just hanging on his mouth and his talking while his mouth was full. So Bob just told him that ” I was taught by my mom when eating not to talk when my mouth is full”. That statement made that guy quiet then. The security guard even told them that we didn’t harm anybody. The guard always saw us there we would buy extra food to give out to those kids outside. When those people did not stop talking bad about me my friend then went ahead and sat again on the table. He was just mad that they are still attacking me.
I guess it shows people really have different take on everything. Some people are okay on what our friend did. Some I guess would not agree. Anyway, after that our friend did learn his lesson not to sit on the table.
What’s your take guys?
Mabuhay!
Hi Feyma:
I believe this is my first time responding to you but have read most of your articles. I guess I would have to say I do not really understand what the problem was of your friend sitting on the table. Being from the states I do not have a good understanding of what it proper behavior in the RP. What I really do not understand is when after the apology that there was still animosity about it. I would have thought that would have been sufficient.
Helo Feyma,
I love to travel and most people have been so kind and helpful to me. There are at times people that do things that just amaze me how they seem to hate me yet never met me before. Just like your friend when I am a guest in another country I try to comply with local customs. (sometime you just don't know) I suspect it was more then just him sitting on the table but maybe who was sitting on the table. What do you think?
Feyma,
I would agree that sitting on a table (instead of on the chair) at a restaurant is kind of bizarre. I would not necessarily think of it as disrespectful; more along the lines of inappropriate behavior. A chair is for sitting and a table is for eating on.
Probably the folks who got mad were thinking it's disrespectful of the culture? Or the place? Who knows… Unless there's a sign at the restaurant that spells out what is accepted behavior, then it's hard to say what has been disrespected.
Some restaurants in the US have signs that say exactly what is considered appropriate. At certain buffet-type places, I've seen signs that *warn* you would doubly be charged if much food is left on a plate.
Back to your story, even if inappropriate, as soon as your friend apologized and rectified his action, that should have been the end of it.
Everything else was 'much ado about nothing.' Everybody should have been able to let the incident go to enjoy the rest of the evening.
Hello Feyma,
I agree with Wayne that there is no disrespect on sitting on the table. They could be defensive because your friend was looking at the homeless kids openly and intensely. This could make them feel uncomfortable and retaliate in a wrong way. Another thing is they are thinking culturally, since most of Filipinos won't sit in the eating table especially with food thinking it’s like an altar since the food is a blessing from God. Regardless of those 2 excuses I mentioned they shouldn't behave that way. To me personally, this person who approach your groups' table is plain just showing his companion he is superior and he has guts to do such daring thing (arrogance and showy). Their groups’ behavior towards you is another example of a crabby behavior. They’re jealous of you and all they can do is talk bad right in front of you. In truth, he is the only one inside that whole building who is disrespectful. Do you remember his name and is it abs-cbn station? That is the only one seems available in our region.
An almost similar thing happens to me and my workers before. Although, the incident is in a restaurant in Tagum and we are all Filipino with a gay friend. The waiters pick on our gay friend to the extent that they're bad mouthing about place he is from. Our friend got so embarrass and so uncomfortable which a customer is not suppose to feel if we pay for those food. I got so mad and I quarrel the every waiter I can see and demanded to talk to the manager. They make themselves scarce from our vicinity.
Feyma
I just don't think you or your friend did much wrong here and if the apology ddidn't help to make them happy then i guess they were looking for an argument and like Bob did i would have gone on the attack
sitting on a table is not a big thing and he made an apology and changed to sitting with you, so what was the problem….well you have to think the problem was with the tv guy and as Mahdy says above sometimes people can just be rude. It doesn't happen very often in the Phils and i am surprised by this incident, i don't think it was your fault or your frinds i think the guy just was rude to you.
Hi Everybody – Angie made some comments that made me think that it may have come across that this was a fine restaurant. This happened an a Chow King, which is a fast food place, akin to a McDonald's. It really was not a big deal, but these folks seemed to be looking for a fight. I don't know that anything could have stopped it. Also, the reason why we were looking at the street children is because our topic of discussion that night was that we were thinking of setting up some kind of charitable group that would help feed the street kids. It was all kind of bizarre.
Hi Bob/Feyma,
My apologies, I stand corrected. I misinterpreted what Chowking is. No, it did not come across as a fine restaurant but I did not think of it as a fast food type either.
I guess that threw a different spin to the story then.
Hi Feyma, your freind apologized that should be the end of the matter, if any disrespect was shown, and thats a matter of their social construct, your freind made his apologies, sadly, it as taken to another level when there was no need, cant always please everyone…take care…Pete
Hi angie – no apology necessary, I just thought, based on your writing that we were thinking of different kinds of places! This guy that Feyma is talking about is a young guy, I think he was like 20 at the time. Imagine teens and twenty somethings in the States at a McDonald's restaurant. It would not be uncommon to see them "hanging out" a few of them sitting on the table instead of chairs, etc. That was the culture that this guy was coming from, and he thought nothing of it. He was polite and respectful when these folks asked him to not sit on the table, but even after he apologized and moved, they would simply not back down and leave him alone. In fact, they turned on Feyma and scolded her, saying that she was like the "host" of these foreigners, and she should control them better and such. It was one of the most bizarre incidents that has happened to us in our 7 years here.
After your freind apologized, that should have been the end of it. The fact that they tried to make more of it and to continue on with it shows me that they had other "issues" and another agenda. I would have just left. Trust your gut feeling and just leave. It's not worth it to reason with people who are bent on causing a scene and making thinks worse.
Hi Feyma:
To be honest, I haven't seen any adult sat on a table in a restaurant like Chowking. Possibly the people who were there were offended. I agree with Mahdy, your friend's behavior might have been perceived as arrogance. His apology could have mattered a lot but we know very well that some humans would just like to blow things our of proportion and it's easier to point a speck on another's eye than to get a log from one's own.
I hope your friend's bro was not traumatized with this incident and will still visit the Phils.
Hi Feyma and Bob
I must say you showed great restraint! After the apology, if that guy had continued to badmouth I would probably have punched him!
I can`t stand rude people like that. My temper is up just hearing about it, how much more if I was there!
Best Regards
Malcolm
Hi Feyma,
You guys are better people than I am. Like Malcolm, I am not sure if I could restrain myself. Feym, I pretty sure you know it's not a culture thing just the typical jerk(s) you can meet anywhere in the world. They seem to me like a bunch of idiot young guys hanging around a McDo trying to act all macho. Man, that bothers me. mga bastos talaga. 👿
Kudos to you, Bob and your friend for handling it in a civil manner. I'm also glad that the security guard did his job (you can never be sure sometimes).
Hi Feyma,
I'm just one of the readers of Bob's and your Blog.
Based on your story above, I think the guy who was talking while the noodles were hanging from his mouth was insulted when Bob says ”I was taught by my mom when eating not to talk when my mouth is full”. It's a fact that one of the Filipino's weaknesses that would make us enrage is when we 'loose face' in front of two or more people. In that situation, it was probably hard for that guy to accept that he was hit like Manny Pacquiao's left straight jab to his face. There are a lot of us (filipino) that have difficulty on saying 'sorry' or to apologize in a situation like this. I could only guess…maybe bacause of 'too much pride'. As a Filipino, one thing I always avoid is confronting with another filipino in front of another person(s).
I am finally going to make a comment on this because I think Teng and (earlier) Mahdy have made a couple good points that should not go unnoticed. I think the fellow had a character problem before he ever walked into Chow King. But, I am guessing he recognized your friend to be a Balikbayan. Some locals really resent Balikbayans and feel they are proud, rich and feel they are looking down on them. This, of course, is prejudice which clouds reason. So if he sees this guy he has already decided is a Balikbayan, and is feeling jealous, put down, resentful, or whatever, and then your friend sits on the table, which is not appropriate behaviour in a restaurant in the Philippines, the guy just took the opportunity to take him down a few notches. To make himself feel big and look good in front of his friends. He was full of himself and feeling high and mighty and therefore did not politely accept the apology because it was not about sitting on the table. It was about your friend being a resented Balikbayan. When Bob (an American) chimed in and put the man down for having poor table manners, as Teng has said, this was a huge blow to his pride. He had now been insulted (lost face) in front of his friends… very bad news. If this had happened in a bar where some drinking had been going on, Bob could have been stabbed. Amor propio, honor, face, pride or whatever you call it, it is extremely important. As Teng has said, people here go very far out of their way to avoid losing face and to avoid putting anyone else in a position where they might lose face. That is one reason people give indirect answers, open gifts after the party, settle things through a third party, and generally avoid showing any negative emotions in polite company.
Do any Filipinos agree that this might have been the case?
Hi Feyma,
This is my analysis:
1. The customers in Chowking saw your young Balikbayan friend (is he half-Caucasian?) who was probably dressed differently, sitting on a table – a no-no in a Philippine restaurant or home, but probably acceptable on the beach. See, the dining table in the Philippines is sort of held sacred because it is where you put your food or "grasya gikan sa Gino-o" grace from God. Sitting on it shows disrespect or "walay batasan" no manners. The way these Filipinos reacted shows that the group in the restaurant did not approve of your friend's behavior. When the man-in-uniform came in, I assume he was older, he showed his "authority" by telling your friend to get off the table. The old man at one of the tables chimed in, along with everyone else. I think this crowd was not happy with your friend's behavior, to begin with, but didn't express their disapproval until the man-in-uniform said something. Then, everyone realized that it wasn't just them that felt that way. It became a free-for-all.
2. They started to attack you because they held you at a higher standard. You, being a Filipina, should have known better to tell your young friend (who didn't know any better) not to sit on the table. It is just not appropriate. They probably thought that your friend was a nephew or some relative that you could have corrected. In their eyes, you failed to do your part in teaching the kid (I assume he is a teenager) proper manners.
To sum it up, I think the crowd in the restaurant felt insulted by this kid from abroad who didn't have any manners. His actions confirm it. You encountered a conservative crowd and I would say the best thing to do in this case is to apologize and leave. It could get ugly.
I definitely agree with your scenario Americanlola.
I’ve learned a lesson myself when I was on vacation at my hometown (now a city) in Kidapawan on year 2003. I went with my sister to the wet market in Kidapawan to buy some grocery items. There, I saw an old friend, market vendor (I was a market vendor before) and so I greeted her with an anticipation that I was so please to see her again after all the years. Around five meters after we said each other ‘bye-bye’ I heard that the woman vendor opposite to the stall of my old friend said something in bisaya “kinsa man to s’ya, hambug kaayo…pa-inglis-inglis pa…naka-abroad lang di na kabalo mobinisaya” (who’s that guy, just went working abroad could not speak Bisayan anymore). I’ve ignored it and just continued walking. Suddenly my sister said that she forgot to buy some curry powder so we had to go back where we came from passing by the stall of that woman selling different kind of vegetables. She saw us approaching and suddenly shouting at my old friend… ‘oy…hingbalik si ‘spokinning dollar’!!! (here he comes again, the dollar speaking…something like in english). She said it with notable sarcasm and giggled that somehow vilified my entire being. That time I could not hold my temper and actually confronted her by saying “hey…what’s your problem??? Wheww…It was a big mistake in my part confronting a “Palengkera” (market woman – by the way, if a woman in the Philippines tagged as ‘palengkera’, it means she can really nag without end). It was really embarrassing because a lot of people gathered around us whispering with mockery. Anyway, Even if I was in the right argument, I conceded as I noticed that my sister started trading the argument favoring on me… of course. We forgot to buy the curry powder and went off. Later on, I’ve learned that the husband of that woman was a policeman and a good friend of mine when we were in high school.
When you are away from home for so long and just visit there once a year it’s hard to catch up right away the Bisayan dialect that most people are using. I tend to start talking in Visayan (Cebuano) and without noticing I’m already speaking in English and mixing it with Tagalog. The lesson I’ve learned is: While on vacation in the Philippines, I keep my mouth shot for a day or two while setting my mind into the right bisayan language frame and wear not signature clothing and jewelries.
To AmericanLola, re. #15.
I think you are so right. You cited many examples of how a "Filipino could avoid losing face" and now my memory is refreshed. Having lived in America more years than in my own country, I have now forgotten some of these. But after being reminded about them, yes, I would tend to agree with you.
For example this practice of opening gifts after a party is one that has now eluded me. I have not seen this done anymore in any party I go to. Thanks for the quick refresher.
Hi Wayne – Yeah I'm also shocked that they didn't accept his apology. I guess that's just the way some people here take it.
Hi Ben – I agree with you theirs more to it. They might be intimidated because my friend is half Filipino and he is a good looking man. Maybe they think that my friend
feels his better than them because he is a good looking man, but its not true though.
Hi Angie – I'm with you after the apology it should just be over. I guess not here though. Thanks for your comments.
Hi Mahdy – You know what I really wanted to argue with this guys, but I have to think of Bob and my friends. Being the foreigner here they could be accused of something that they didn't even do.
Hi Rick -I agree with you. Theirs more to it than seeing my friend sat on the table. I think they might have a bad day or something.
Hi Pete – Thanks for your nice comment.
Hi Kevin – I think those people just looking for trouble. I guess seeing me with foreigners makes it worse I think. Anyway, I'm glad we end up not fighting with them, not worth it.
Hi Jul – It's hard to see some people that's not open minded. It just shocked me how stupid people acted sometime. To be honest my friend he is american his brother who wants to study in Ateneo is a half pinoy and half kano. Ever since that time our friend never make it here yet again.
Hi Malcolm & Macky – Honestly it's almost ended up in a fist fight. Bob and our friends just decided to avoid trouble on that very moment was to get out right away. I could tell were just few minutes away to be in a trouble. I'm glad we got out though.
Hi Teng & American Lola – Wow you guys are right. You guys really make a good point. You hit it right on guys. Thank you guys for opening my eyes more now.
Hi Tina – I think those people might be drunk too that's why their acting the way they did. Anyway, I really got a lesson from it. Thanks for your comment. Take care…
Hi Feyma,
Pete didnt mention it, but here in the UK, the table is also nt for sitting on, although, I personally dont have a problem with someone sitting on the table.
When i was a child, my mum ( nanay ), used to give me a winger ( hit around the head ), if I sat on the table, and say ( its meant for food, not backsides ).
I agree with americanlola, and angie, and just about everyone here about this, though having not been there, I can only give my opinion.
However, i feel that you handled it well.
Byeee
Ian
Hi Feym,
Rule of thumb, don't argue with a Filipino drunk(s). It can get very ugly like AmericanLola mentioned above. Get away from this person(s) as fast as you can. Stay safe and take care always…
Hi Tina – That's for sure. I can't agree you more.
Thank you!
Hi Feyma
Along with others, we were always taught as kids that the dining table is to eat off, and we got a dressing down if we ever sat on it or put our feet up on it, it was something like a sacred alter. What happened in that restaurant was silly obviously someone was looking trouble, well done you handled it well.
Hi Jack – Thank you very much
Well sitting on the table probably isnt the most sanitary thing you could do considering a lot of people are going to eat off of that same table so I can see where some people might become upset, However I dont see the need to go overboard with the critisism and or attacks.
Hi! I read your article about your friend sitting on a table. I'm a filipina married to an American. There is nothing wrong about your friend sitting on a table watching the kids. If it's a table full of people then it is not good but if there's no one there, there's nothing wrong! Those people have nothing else to do but gossip and judge what others are doing or just plain stupid!
hi feyna. I guess i understand how'd you feel with the situation yougone through (anywhere it does happened to us as an expatwife) in all sort of palces and environment. Guess your reaction is typical of us (which is a different things when I was young 👿 )..those kind of people i do really resented… I am also married to Aussie and got a half brother Italian..(believe me been there, done that).. we live here more than a century ago.. been from north to south (Luzon)..still from time to time still bumping some bubble head,KSP, etc.. yet we learned not to take notice of them for their not worth it…I myself turned the button on once it below the belt.. because it is no longer because we are an expatwife (as the host of this country.. big Bullshit) it is bec. of there crab mentallity.. 😈 got our right the same as there right, to be where we wanna be and be happy just like everybosy else….
more power.
maria clarang hindi maintindihan 🙂