A few days ago I got a surprising text from somebody saying that “Feyma please stop advising my daughter and my son-in-law to get an apartment while in the city, I want them to live next to me here in the province.” I texted her back to please read our site and take a look at the posts and the advice of others. I don’t remember forcing anybody to live in the city. If they mention they are wanting to live in the city then I will give my opinion on that. I may have said that its better sometimes to be in the city if you have children because schools are better. For us that is one thing we considered the most living here in Davao. We like the schools here and also not too far to go and visit my family.
You guys know that we want to live in Samal island so badly. But we can’t at the moment because there are no good schools yet in Samal and its pretty far for our kids to travel from there to Davao City. Maybe being a responsible parent the daughter and son-in-law of this woman want to live in the city for their kids sake.
If I remember, when we meet these people before they are really interested at first to live somewhere in the Visayas. They told us the particular place. I told the wife that I’ve never been there but I heard good thing about the place. I don’t really know why the mother is blaming me if her kids want to live somewhere away from her.
To be honest my family didn’t interfere with me and Bob when we decided to live here in Davao City. They didn’t blame our good friend that invited us here to try and see Davao. My family is happy that we are happy here. They never call and texted our friend and blamed him. As a matter of fact my family likes our friend so much because my family could see how this friend of ours cares so much for our kids. Even his family wants us to be at their house every Sunday for the family day (family gatherings).
The couple I was taking about they really are nice people and very intelligent people. They are fun to be with. If ever they end up living here in the future I would be happy if they choose Davao to be the place for them. If they will stay in the province I will be happy for them too. Its their choice. They will do whats best for them. I just hope they will retire here in the Philippines soon. Good luck to you guys.
To the mom, I know that you love them. Just let them decide where they want to live. Its not really our choice though. They will decide whats best for their family. If ever in your opinion they will make mistake in choosing to live in the city, let it be. They will visit you a lot anyway. Just don’t push too much on them on telling them where to live. They might decide at the end that they want to stay where they are right now instead. Just try to relax and enjoy your grandkids. Don’t push too much. Stay cool!
Cheers!
Wow!! that is too bad,that she blames you.For some moms it is so hard to let go..Other push you out the door .Her little baby is leaving the nest .Your friends probably talk about Bob and you ( in a good way 🙂 )so she thinks it is your idea to move too the city…. Maybe she was hoping that they would live with her …I hope that thing get better between them….Hangin in there ..Phil n Jess
Hi Feyma,
I think the mother feels the “Emptiness Syndrome” when the kids move away for good… like all mother feels….. But, if that’s the kid’s choice they just have to support and be happy wherever they settled… hehehehhe.
Take care..
Hi Feyma,
At the end of the day it is their decision.
Rural life can be very appealing,but as you know, in PI it is severely limited in schooling,medical facilities and opportunities not to mention shopping.
regards Chas.
While I'm sorry that this poor mother is desperate to have her children, I get quite frustrated when I read about her attempts to manipulate the situation. I'm very happy to see your firm but kind response!
Hi Phil n Jess R. – I really hope that someday she reads some of the advices we have here on the site. I never tried to let the readers here follow what I said. Instead its a guide to the ladies that wants to settle here later.
Thanks for your good thoughts though. I appreciate very much. It's nice to see you here.
Hi Ann – I like the term Ann “Emptiness Syndrome”. I guess thats what it is.
I hope though that she will realize that its not up to anybody to decide, its should just be her daughter and son-in-law. Oh well, will see what happen later when time for this couple to retire. I had a feeling they will choose a place that will be better for the kids. 😉 I think…
How are you my friend? Nice to see you here again. You take care and God bless!
Hi chasdv – Can't agree you more. Thanks for the nice thoughts.
Thank you so much for stopping by!
Hi KanoDoug – Thank you so much for your kind words.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
I missed davao and Philippines
Feyma: It's understandable that the mother wants them nearby. You told her daughter the information she asked… Your opinion. I don't think you did anything wrong. This website has much information that is valuable to people moving here. Many of your experiences closely matched our experience.
Rebecca's adjustment was difficult… More than we ever expected… and is still ongoing. What Mom thinks is such a powerful force on any child moving here. The family pressures she faces put enormous strain on her. But, the daughter must make her own decisions, or her new family will not be happy. One thing that became immediately apparent was that Rebecca was away from home so long, her outlook on life changed significantly, due to her experiences abroad. The problems arise because the people left behind still are the same, and they cannot understand… They just simply lack the life experiences to be able to understand. They have nothing to compare it to.
We just went through this last weekend: There was a big family row about managing the fish ponds. Rebecca had to rein in some financial problems and the family did not like it one bit (She told them that they needed to document how much money was spent on materials). To her brothers, she is still their "little sister"…and always will be. "Just because she has money doesn't give her the right to disagree with her older brothers…" I'm sure you can guess the rest. Becky learned about business overseas and knows what needs to be done. Those left behind did not. We will be obtaining financing from a couple of banks at the end of the year. They need a complete set of books and a proper business plan or no-one is getting any financing. That's just how it is done, but communicating this in the province is difficult. Again, taking Bob's advice, I told her to "Blame me", since it is my "investment" at stake.
Hi John – When I read your comment, I can see your situation so clearly, I feel that if I were to be looking in through a window, I'd be seeing myself instead of you. It's almost like deja vu. I remember writing a couple years ago several articles in relation to this topic, and what you are going through now is so similar (identical) to my experiences. It is something that we all have to go through independently, but at least reading this site gives one a bit of a glimpse at what they might expect when they come here.
Funny thing is that I hear from many, many people things like:
Yet, it happens to them and a year or two later they will tell me that they were surprised that what I described to them is exactly what they experienced. It's almost universal, I think.
Bob: That article you wrote was perhaps the most useful one I think I've seen on here, in my opinion. It would definitely warrant a re-run, or I may write one on our experiences in the near future. I wasn't meaning to be so wordy in my comment, but last weekend's argument was so unexpected (We've been here over a year now, but there was also alcohol involved with some family members…Becky doesn't drink…another big problem in the province. Alcohol makes people not think clearly and always magnifies the problem), and highly traumatic for Rebecca.
Hi John – Well, I am glad that you found the article helpful. There was actually a series of 3 or 4 articles on the topic that ran in a span of a few days. I also believe that they were good articles (not trying to pat my own back, just thinking they were helpful).
I really understand when you talk about the situation over the weekend. And, you are sure right that alcohol only amplifies it when this kind of thing happens. When you said in your previous comment that "Becky is the younger sister and always will be" – well, I sat here nodding my head knowingly. Feyma is the youngest child in her family, and this played a role in how things were handled when we first moved here too. You know, though, I feel that now, Feyma is kind of looked to for advice by her siblings these days. She kind of went full circle in more ways than one.
Feyma, you very naughty. Try to take the girl away from Mama. It is bad, girl! He he. Joke only. Your advice always very helpful.
Bob: I really think it just takes time… I'm glad that Feyma came full circle, and I think things will happen the same with Rebecca. One thing you said is absolutely true: This dynamic can really only be appreciated once you have lived it. We were prepared that it would happen, but…. The family ties are far stronger than anything I have ever witnessed, and it is no exaggeration about the amount of stress and conflict they bring.
Something to look forward too I see ..
All is well here my friend, really busy at work here though. Best regards to the whole family.
My Feyma I can feel for the mom too. I am Just the Dad but when I got divorced, my boys were 8 and 10. Somehow they decided to live with Dad. Do not think she was a bad mother, we are still friends and I like her husband. But now my boys that I love very much made decisions to move with there spouses to Texas and Utah. I live in California. I know it is hard on parent not to walk across street to hug and say hello, but we talk 3 times a week. They are looking forward to their visits to Davao. I will just bring the grand kids to stay with Josey and I during summers and they are so excited.
You know you met Bob and moved 9000 miles. That had to be hard on both you and your parents. How lucky you picked man to bring you back. hehehe I am buying house 35 minutes by fast car from Josey family and they are happy. Anyway I am sorry someone would blame you for someones happiness.
Hi Kier – Thats one good reason to come for a visit. 😉
Hi John Miele – Wow, It really brought back the years that we were just new here in the Philippines. I went through what Rebecca did right now. The good part John it will get better but it will take sometime and some more arguing before the brothers will realize. It is not an easy process though. Don't let this situation put a strain on you and Rebecca's relationship. The stress will really get to you sometimes. Just try to relax, tell Rebecca to take it easy. Don't give up.
Thank you John for sharing your story. It's really a helpful tip and an eye opener for the people that wanting to move here. It is not easy but it will get better.
Take care.
Hi John Miele – Like I said its not an easy transition. With lots of tears and stress and fighting though. But at the end its worth it.
I am sure you guys will. It just takes sometime. Good luck and God bless!
Hi Carlin – Ha ha ha. I could sometimes. 😉
Thank you so much for stopping by. Nice to see you here and welcome aboard!
Hi Andy Wooldridge – Good for you that your kids are coming to visit you and Josey. Lots of cool places to show them around here in Davao.
that would be exciting for the whole family.
I'm lucky that we came back. But to be honest. At first I don't want to moved back here. I was so scared to lived here again. It was hard for me for a few years, but now I love it here. This is the place for my family now.
Anyway, nice to see you here. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate very much.
Hi Feyma,
I am in the situation that my eldest sister (matriarh of the family)..also wanted us to live back in Bulacan..even my mom who were in Rome…As they keep on telling us its for our own good…Lo, though it is here in Makati were we feel at home…Just stood in our ground…and still here..Guess at the end they got tired…(100 times they keep own nagging me with this subject last time ..Christmas..because one of my sis on the way to Italy..so nice…NEVAH..Been there done that.not again..
YOu web help me a lot to see things and understand things in different perspective..And without it..won't find a precious friend like you guys..who's always be there to give advise opinion, things that to our society kinda strange to talk about..there were times that sounds taboo to them..(grww)…
To those guys they might share your generous ideas and see your life and way of living to their Mom…Mom no one to finger pointing to justify her frustration…Hopefully at the end of the day…She'll be more thankful that her kids found precious friend….
I know I do..Thanks Feyma for being there when i need a friend..appreciated it a lot…
Regards to the family.
More power,
Lyn Green
Hi Lyn Green – I'm glad that it turn out good for you. At least your sis saw it that you are not interested to be in the town near her. Prepare for the next discussion though, they will ask you again on that.
I'm happy that you like our site and you find helpful to you. This site is really catered to all people that lives and intended to live here in the Philippines. The good and not so good living here. For me lots of good and I am happy here.
Hey, anytime you can email me I am always here to listen.
Thank you so much for stopping by here.
Take care and nice to see you here.