Live in the Philippines

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The Definition of Insanity:

Internet / by

Internet in the Boondocks looks like this
Internet in the Boondocks looks like this

This is not a repeat of my never ending Y2K problems on a mountain in Dinalupihan Bataan. Which if memory serves me I have mentioned a time or two.

No this is directed at the administrators of the Globe, Smart, Sun and PLDT telecommunications companies. I won’t bore you with each separate company and their constant text and calling solicitation attempts as they are all pretty much the same I’ll collectivity refer to them as “The Cella Phone Guys”

Ring-ring, I put down my beer (And or coffee depending on the time of day) and reach to find and then pick up my phone. “Good Day Sir; I’m phoning from (One of) “The Cella Phone Guys” and we were wondering if you are interested in our super duper wiz-bang DSL 4G internet service that won’t rust bust or collect dust wear or tear and gather hair? (That was left over from my car selling days). This has been ongoing for years; I’ll stop the spiel mid paragraph and say: “Oh my yes, my goodness I’ve been praying that someone will call and offer that service!” Then I give them my address and they promise they will send a service representative to my door within so many working days I always end the call with: “Oh joy, Thank You!!! I’m so excited.”

Dangling dongle
Dangling dongle

Most of you from past articles know that I am on line only by the grace of a Globe Tattoo Dongle dangling out my window attempting to garner a stray passing signal. All “The Cella Phone Guys” have been upon my roof over the past ten years with every manner of electronic Tom-foolery and or type of gadget poking and stabbing the air in a desperate attempt to locate a signal, but it’s in vain and to no avail for my land is one and truly the only place on earth affected by the dreaded Y2K bug.. Meanwhile scratching their collective heads while staring further up the mountain within in clear line of sight the vast array of Cell Towers that for some reason known only to the Gods the signal cannot penetrate the mountain air and be received at “Casa de Mayang”.

Now I can’t remember all he times “The Cella Phone Guys” have come to my house and then each has given me the same sad news. Kuya, the signal is “Not in Stock.”

But within days the phone will ring again and I’ll set down my beer and or coffee and repeat those words I’ve said so many times; “Oh my yes, my goodness I’ve been praying that someone will call and offer that service!”

It is the little things in life that bring the most joy.

My thoughts go to an area that should be steeped in common sense; the four companies are selling computer and Smart Phone connections. The Service Department Guy (Should) note on the form “This address is in a DEAD ZONE” information from the form should be entered into the various company’s monster sized computer data bases, so the next telephone solicitor does not make the call to Casa De Mayang due to the red flagged “Dead Zone” But in case they missed it, the service representative in the morning will see that our address is “Red Flagged” in the Dead Zone, smile and scratch it off the master list. But if he misses it and shows up to my house I’ll once more take him to my roof and let them poke and stab the air. But by now, I’ll see the head being scratched, and the light bulb going off over his head as he turns and says to me; “Kuya, I think I know you?”

As you might surmise I don’t get out much and must grab my fun as it presents itself, and if the phone rings again, we will go through this drill in perpetuity, because it costs me nothing but a little time, and I get a great amount of pleasure from it.

The definition of insanity; is to repeat the same actions over and over again while expecting a different result. To the cella phone guy’s I want to thank you each and everyone for the small pleasures you’ve brought me over the years, feel free to call me anytime!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. There s going to be a new sheriff in town Paul. That’s right, Australia’s biggest telecom provider is coming to compete with the Cellaphone guys and offer much higher speed internet service than 4g currently provides here. that should give you one more company to play with though maybe not for very long. I don’t think they will fall into the definition of stupid and certainly not Galacticly stupid!

    • Joe;
      Surprising that competition from an outsider would be allowed. But will we be alive to use it, as installing their infrastructure will be Big City’s first and the rural areas when they get a-round “tuit”. Don’t hold your breath Joe, blue doesn’t become you! (lol)

      • Hi Paul – I think that the only reason they will be allowed in is because it is a partnership with San Miguel. Maybe they will run a special line to your house first, because you buy so much of their beer! 🙂

    • I bet it will be 3 to 5 years before Manila sees any availability of service from Telstra, and at least 10 years before those outside Manila see any services available. Just my guess.

      • While the Philippine government Has and does want foreign investment, it,s track record is pretty poor. Case in point was Fedex who spent millions to create their Asia hub at Clark, hired Filippino workers and manages only to be thrown out because they were “Foreign owned” , It’s like having Lucy Hold the Foot ball for Charlie Brown!

  3. Hi Paul, one of the pleasures of life in the Philippines the crap Internet service even in
    Manila it’s bad depending on the time of the day, we had pldt but had to change to sky
    Which are much better anyway you have to get out more ,went to the movies yesterday
    Watched Everest good movie came back had a couple of beers, life’s good in the Philippines ,Derek in pasig .

    • Derek;
      It is refreshing to hear that even MEGA MANILA has problems just like us poor folk out in the provinces. (LOL) I skipped the movies as it is so much more fun to sit at the coffee shop and watch the bewildered people with NCR (National Capital Region) on their tags sit for hours and try to figure out our four way stop signs on the Subic Freeport. With the Freeport police lined up to issue tickets to them. Reality is always better than an inaccurate Hollywood movie. If only they served beer. (LOL)

  4. Paul,
    Competition is always good for the customers, but not for the providers. The providers blame the government for all the red tape it takes to build improved telecommunications infrastructure, which may be partially correct, but most should be placed squarely on the providers.

    • Papa Duck,
      As I stand on my roof and glance at the vast array of cell towers above me I put my hand over my mouth and pretend to cough and mumble; “BULLSHIT” right back at them.

      • Paul, certainly though you and I have had prior ‘communications misunderstandings’, I couldn’t express what you wrote today any more succinctly than you already did, so please forgive my quoting you again.

        Paul provided: “As I stand on my roof and glance at the vast array of cell towers above me I put my hand over my mouth and pretend to cough and mumble; “BULLSHIT” right back at them.”

        Yes. Exactly.

        –ed

  5. We are in the middle of deciding which Internet provider to choose. Our house is in Calamba City, Laguna, Luzon.
    The contenders are Smart Bro which we had before and Globe.
    At first Globe seemed best but now we find they want us to pay for 100 meters of cable at 250 pesos per foot to reach their connection hub. (I guess) That’s 25,000 pesos ($537.44).
    For a hunk of cable – THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!
    Sorry Globe if we can’t buy and put up our own cable you’ve lost a customer.
    Back to wireless with(not so) Smart Bro.
    We’ve been without Internet for the past couple of years since a typhoon did a lot of damage to our old computer.

    • Correction: That’s per meter not per foot. My mistake for not proofreading… can’t blame spellcheck for that…

      • Another correction:
        Daisy informs me that the company in contention is not Globe which is all wireless but rather P.L.D.T. Philippines Long Distance Telephone which is not wireless.
        It all makes sense now. Except for the exceptionally high price for the cable installation.
        Thanks for your patience and hopefully, understanding.
        JADE

        • Globe does offer landline and DSL in some places and sometimes is the only provider. Back in Cavite I couldn’t get PLDT service in one particular subdivision but Globe did offer landline+DSL there, though it took almost 2 months of constant pushing to get them to run a line a few meters from their pole.

          • Ed –
            Thanks for that information. I did not know that before about Globe having some landline service.
            Daisy is not that technically minded but she did give me the information that her first choice was pldt. Most of my information comes from the internet. We will carry on.
            again thanks
            Jade

  6. Sadly there is no reason for either of the companies to upgrade due to lack of competition. The amount of spectrum available for cellular data does not match the 1990 level of service offered.

      • I expect your posting was intended to induce the unwashed to think.
        In any event, they use the undue profits from *stupid*people* to get yet more newer stupid people to throw money at them.

        Buyer beware!!!!!!!!!

          • Paul, I suspect you might have intended your question rhetorically with humour attached.

            Just in case not, generic reference in many circles to “the unwashed masses” typically refers to those who have yet to trip over and soak their heads in a clue bucket, and would likely not apply to anyone reading this. In reading you postings I however suspect you’ve met a few of them.

  7. Paul,

    I am right there with you buddy. Even though I live in one of the bigger towns in Davao Del Norte province (and the Provincial Capitol at that), Internet service here is limited to wireless Smart and Globe which really sucks (I’m in a dead zone too) or PLDT Home DSL which is what I use. Great if no one else is logged on but most of the time I still pick up about a 1.0 to 1.5M upload speed which isn’t all that bad for surfing the Net. My kids though get really frustrated when the connection lags on them when they are trying to play online games or watch streaming videos. There are also two cable companies (Skynet and Wise) that offer broadband but neither of them has wired into the area where I am now.

    Good luck with your Internet woes and hang in there!

    Tagum City Tim sendzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    • Tagum City Tim;
      PLDT told me it would cost me $1,000.00 to run a landline to my house. Then they came to survey and found their nearest connection was 21 miles away. (They sure knew their stuff) The price went up and I went home.

      • Yup, Paul, and in my experience, after they sucker whoever is stupid enough to toss money, they will install **FREE** next door one month later. Though you already surely know that, my comment is for the benefit of other readers.

        • ED;
          1995 on Coral St. in Olongapo, the American up the street paid for the first phone line. (Unknown to me) the day after his was installed the PLDT rep was knocking on my door and yes me and 15 others now had a landline. (I wish I knew his name so I could thank him.

  8. Hi Paul, traffic signs or stop signs they don’t know what they are in Manila, I’m not
    Surprised so many get tickets in subic, when I drive there I stop at every sign wherever
    There is a traffic enforcer or not, also found the jeepney drivers in olongapo way better
    Than some of the clowns in Manila,Derek in pasig.

    • Derek;
      As I can testify our traffic enforcers are there most of the time out of your sight. If you commit an infraction they radio ahead and the next guy flags you over. They must have been to school in California. (lol)

  9. Paul,

    I have know for sometime of a way to get faster cell phone/internet service. If you send me $59.99 I’ll tell this extremely reliable information. This information is very secretive. So hurry.

    Rusty.

  10. Paul, I suspect the people constantly calling with offers they can’t possibly fulfill are outsourced people with about 16 minutes of “training”. When they call me and start to natter unintelligibly I politely ask them to speak english. This results in further gibberish. I don’t know what language (if any) they’re purporting to use but it’s not Tagalog either. Might be some obscure Pakistani dialect, I don’t know. I just reply in english, requesting what I would like then to offer. They eventually just hang up since they’re totally unable to communicate.

    There are periodic occasions when I need to call *them*, when their 2-day DSL service restoration once again drags beyond one week and I get tired of hunting down 24-hour internet cafe’s so that I can work. (Which reminds me, I need to call them again for my latest no-service half-month-rebate request for last month’s extensive downtime.) One time the nice lady (who did understand both english and taglog – but hey I called them) told me that fibre will be installed imminently to solve all the problems. I said “where” and she said it’s ongoing in Manila. I politely suggested that she look up and notice that Kidapawan is NOT part of metro Manila and fiber here is unlikely to occur during my remaining lifetime, but she would be welcome to reasonably suggest what year or perhaps what decade it might happen.

    All this is reminiscent of my previous life. There, almost 25 years ago, the best new-fangled bandwidth technology was ISDN. That’s what Canada;’s *first* ISP (Internet Service Provider) used to connect its first 3 POPs. I know because my chair was one meter from one of those 3 POPs (conveniently located in my basement beside my desk, and my network was connected by coax to it, and it was ISDN going out, a whopping 56k outboud between the POPs and then down to the US in Falls Church Virginia). That was back in the days when a comparatively rare outage happened, I’d pick up the phone and *directly* call one of the few ISDN at Bell and usually reached someone who already knew me and likely I also trained in my UNIX courses at some point. A typical (and this happened) conversation might be:
    me: point of failure somewhere in your rack
    him: give me an hour
    me: ok.
    about 40 minutes later:
    him: ok now?
    me: yes thanks for fixing it. what was it?
    him: blown line card in our rack. I replaced it. thanks for pointing me there.
    him: when’s your next shell-programming course?
    me: March in Mississauga, May in Edmonton
    him: thanks, working on getting funding, see you then.
    *That* is how it should be and was way back then, back over there. Service providers today in Phils could learn a few things.

    Another anecdote tickles my memory. One evening circa 1997 my house phone rings and it’s the cable salesdude offering me their new cable-internet-service while dinner is about to burn. I asked him “so you’ll route my C-class?” His reply was “huh?”. I said something like “thought so, try again once you learn a clue, have a good night.” ‘click’.

    I suppose all in all, it could be way worse here in 2015 but have patience and faith, they’re working hard to make it so.

    • ED;
      They must be blind calling as they never ask what service I have in place, I’ve never had a language problem as my English is with a flawless Boston accent.
      Call them? I tried that once years ago and never tried again, when you urinate up a hawser it will run down and wet your own leg. I send my daughter to the Globe office.
      Rusty;
      The check is in the mail!

      • Paul, yes it’s excruciatingly obvious that they are blind calling with the majority of their callers having zero proficiency in english or tagalog. To stretch it just a bit more, it might even be phishing, to get anyone stupid enough to divulge confidential info so that the stupd will lose their 27pesos life savings.

      • I sincerely hope your daughter will not be forced to urinate down her let in trying to deal with “the Globe office”. In my case *they* owe _me_ but I will get a Round Tuit pursuing that in due course years after the fact.

        That stated, Globe people are way better face-to-face than PLDT.
        Sun used to be good but surprise, who bought them and immediately discharged anyone with a brain?

        To your mention, it’s pretty clear that *their* cheque to *me* is **NOT** in the mail. heh. Good luck!

          • Paul, with all due respect, you are the one who first commented about urination at a Globe office. My point was supporting yours in context, pure and simple. It was no more a slight againstyour daughter than your mention in your original posting. After all, it was YOUR initial mention, which I took in context. That you should take umbrage to your original posting and context is totally beyond reason.

            • ED;
              To urinate up a rope is a sailor term, meaning to waste ones time in an activity that will bear no result except a wet pant leg.
              Talking to Globe is akin to doing that, figuratively not literally.
              The reference to my daughter that I made is that she intervened for me at the Globe office without “me” having to use that rope. Since I continued to comment with you and displayed no rancor towards you, proves that I was making a request to you and not taking umbrage. I’m fine with it, are you?

              • Thanks Paul, including the sailor education. Especially given that, you appreciate my comment in context – in fact your context. Good and thanks for clarifying. Now if only the cause of your posting and our discourse would prove fruitful, so no confusing – meaning what you first posted.

              • Paul, as you wrote: “To urinate up a rope is a sailor term, meaning to waste ones time in an activity that will bear no result except a wet pant leg.|
                … um yes, “p…s up a rope”. got it and oh so true. Sailors got it right.
                Now how do we translate that to Tagalog? Even if we do, how can we get anyoine here to grok?

              • Nap seems an excellent plan. Sui is coming up. Can’t earn any money right now so better catch a few winks before the kids open their eyes!

              • ED;
                I awaken early so my friends and family in Boston and Florida can Facebook and chat. Then I nap until 1100 and really start my day. I might even kip in the late afternoon if I feel like it.

  11. Hi Paul

    Having worked in countries such as South Korea and Singapore where the internet service is out of this world, the internet in PI will never live up to any expectation. My in-laws are happy with the speed but that is purely because they have not experienced anything better.

    My SIL is always amused at my constant cursing etc when trying to open up my E-mail.

    Cheers

    AJ UK

  12. Broken grinder, coil burned. This is the second one in 2 years. Makita and Hitashi.
    Wheel bearing needs diagnosis and possibly replacement.
    Electric kettle developped a faulty switch, ants building nest.
    Two light switches no longer operational, ants again.
    One horse power pump needs a new bearing. I just replaced a capacitor on the 2 horse power pump.
    Need to buy new light bulbs, it’s every 3 months purchase. Akari used to give one year warranty but they changed that because of too many returns. No more warranty, suffer now.
    Internet?
    No problem, it works… sometimes.

    Computer memory defective, needs repair.

    • Realistically, where are we? Philippines? Warranty? Guarantee? until you walk out the door after having forked over your cash. Their eyes will evidence that they remember you and your money, but hey. *store*policy*, you bought and paid for it and took it home – why the BEJEEBERS would you expect it to work as advertised.

      There is a partial solution, but it requires extensive mega-effort and understanding on the payors part. Heh, dealing with that right now with … ok I’ll be blunt – Gusiano. 1000 worth or charger and batteries and my kids cars can’t move. I paid for BASURA and they don’t give a … In the interim, anyone shopping at a Gusiano anywhere might want to tell senior management why they turn their back and put their money back in their pocket.