The number one emotion shown here must be jealously, the sad part is, it’s such a wasteful emotion, and they carry it with them wherever they go.
I’ve witnessed families attempt to drag down a fellow member whom they feel has risen to high, and if they fail at that, then they’ll talk about them (Covered by Bob’s article last week on Gossip.). It’s just a case of spiteful jealously, friends do it to friends, and co-workers do it to each other.
So many people say that corruption is holding the country back, whereas I think that jealously is doing a far better job holding the country down. I’ll give you a prime example of what I’m writing about. Our youngest daughter (Ymir Thea AKA Yhen) lives and works in Singapore, she likes her life there, and is pleased with her job, and the advancements she’s received from it. But her success irks her roommates, she has a good job, and the worst part (to them) is she really likes her job.
The only downside she found is with her two former college class mates that she shares the apartment with, those two girls send most of the money they earn back home to support their family, as do the majority of OFW’s. It is laudable that they do this. But it doesn’t give them the right to be jealous, or to lay guilt on our daughter, just because she doesn’t have to do it. They feel that since she has more money, she should pay a bigger share of the cost of the apartment. Now, where is the logic in that? Plus they chide her for having friends outside the Filipino community. (Imagine that!)
Yes, I understand the reasons why Yhen is upset, she used to pick up the tab for them whenever they went out, and they expected that she do so. Then the next day they would show to Yhen the nice blouse or shoes they just bought with the money they saved. Kinda’ unfair!
Her new group of friends, is all international young ladies, which she’s met through work and other friends, she will go bike riding with them, touring the island and doing more fun things, plus learning more about the world and the people in it. The best part is they all seem to be able to pay their own way. And she enjoys trying all their different food. My daughter has tried to get her roommates to come along, and join in on the things they do, as it does not take any real big money to enjoy those activities. But they’re from, the “Philippines First” school of thought, and will not join in.
Her Ate (my wife’s other sister) from Las Vegas called her, and told her it was her responsibility to send money back home to her cousins, who are not working. I countered and told her not to do it, as I had provided each with a college education, and they chose to sit at their daddy’s house and not make any effort to find work. I guess they think that one day someone will knock on their door and offer them a job.
Her older sister YoHanna agrees with me, and told her little sister to enjoy her life, and get the most she can out of it. I then reminded her that the Ate in Las Vegas does not practice what she preaches. She has put no family member through school. She sends two LBC boxes every year, full of everything that is available here. Plus many of the number 10 cans of food (restaurant size) she buys at Sam’s Club, which is great, if you throw a lot of block parties.
I’ve written in the past my views of supporting family here, I’ll help any of the kids with their education, and no one will go without medical care. But jobs were invented eons ago, and that is where one gets money for food and day to day needs, such as loads for cell phones Red Horse and, cigarettes, etc.
One other subject I’ve mentioned before is loans (Or gifts in Tagalog), I will lend any family member any amount of money, and as soon as I get paid that money back, then they can ask again. But, for some reason no one asks me about a loan anymore or has ever paid me back. Over the years each family member has received a loan from me at one time, but, for the last ten years, the bank of “Paul” has been closed due to unrecoverable accounts receivable. I do get along with all family members quite well as a matter of fact, they understand me now that they’ve derailed the gravy train, and know that their kids will all go to school on my dime and are covered if anyone gets sick, they seem happy with the way it is now. (Or not!)
I still must be very careful if I do something or give something to one member of the family and not all. The jealousy will start anew. I’m fed up with it. I never favor one over the other. But the foolishness could cause me to stop sharing altogether. I don’t want to leave anyone with the impression that no one works, the large percentage do get up every day and provide for their family as best they can. But there will always be that group that can’t find their way to the worksite, and wait for the Mango’s to fall from heaven. Good luck on that! They always fall back on jealously, when the other guy gets the Mango’s by climbing the tree.
We choose to live here, but we didn’t choose to be a walking ATM or worry about petty people.
Paul: what you describe with your daughter is exactly what Rebecca dealt with in the UAE . Keep encouraging her to make all the friends she can, Filipino or not, and to help only as much as SHE feels. From what you have written, she is a bright young woman with a promising future… She has nothing to feel guilty about
Hi John;
Yhen just turned 28 and plans to remain single for a few more years. I believe my views on life have rubbed off on her. (I just hope not all) Have you ever met that person that just doesn’t have bad days? That’s her.
When you wrote; “She has nothing to feel guilty about.” I smiled, as we think alike on that subject, and she’d agree with your advice about making friends.
Paul T
Sounds like she has a good head on her shoulder. Sounds just like her Dad. Jealousy really hurts people and destroys friendships which is sad. Maybe she could find new roommates, like with her new friends to get away from the negativity of her roommates who just want to bring her down. Learning about other cultures will only help her in the game of life and in advancing in her career. Her positive attitude will also rub off on other people around her. Just support her all you can is the best thing you can do. Take care brother.
Hi Randy;
She has moved, which worked out very well as she is closer to work. She’s a sharp girl, but she has a good heart. She’ll always do well. I doubt she’ll come back from Singapore anytime soon (Except her vacation in May) she loves the life there.
Hi Paul…… Sounds like you have a well adjusted daughter, out growing her old frinds. You’r a luckey father,grate article,can’t let others hold you back.
Thank you Jim;
I remember my first leave to Boston from the Navy, after a cruise to Northern and Southern Europe. I was home one night with my dad, and told him that my old friends had changed. He looked at me and said: “No son, their just the same, you’re the one who’s changed.” As always, he was right!
Paul,
My two colleagues in Singapore are both successful Filipinas, directors at a large CPA firm. They are both smart and had come to the realization long ago to cut ties with the local Filipina community and live as individuals, contrary to what their families think. It was painful, but in the long run better.
Your daugter definitely needs to find new room mates. Just look at craigslist and she can probably find a place. Depending on where she works, a decent place can be had for S$500 for a hdb/walk up.
Hi Don;
She’s found new roommates and has moved, very happy in her new location, and with less of a commute. Her bosses wife sent a truck and driver, and she was in her new place in one day. All is well once more.
I know she will never let anyone hold her back, it’s not her way.
Hi Paul – I loved your article, and I think that your daughter is on track to be a great success in life! No doubt, a lot of that is thanks to good upbringing by you and your wife! Congratulations on that, my friend!
Bob;
I think we can both agree we have no job more important that insuring our kids succeed in life. And when they do, well; that in itself is our bonus check. The credit for my girls goes more to Mayang, but I helped a little!
And thank you for the kind words!
Hi Paul,
The bad Filipino traits, “chismis” and jealousy coupled with crab mentality and “Juan Tamad” syndrome. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the Juan Tamad folklore but this guy shows extreme laziness up to the point of stupidity in his stories. One of which is he would just lay on the ground while waiting for a guava fruit to drop in his open mouth. Sadly, this kind of mentality still exists today amongst Filipinos.
Jonathan;
I know those traits are not just limited to the Republic of The Philippines; as I’ve witnessed them all over the Earth, including Boston, where I grew up, but by the same token it is up to parents to stop that cycle, and help the child be their own person.
I was told that stupidity was to do the same thing over and over, yet expect a different result. Or was that insanity?
Yep, I agree Paul. Good upbringing of the parents are the basic foundation for the child to acquire good morals and character while giving the child the best education will help mold the person to learn self-reliance and be independent.
Jonathan;
We seem to agree on this subject, and want the best for the chrildren. I guess at the end of your life your kids are the “Report Card” that you show to Saint Peter.
Paul there’s the best quote you’ve come up with in a long time! (and at least it’s not in Latin, lol)
Mark;
Thank you for the kind words and, Habetis bona diem (Have a nice day)
Paul, tell her to start making plans to dump the flat mates; they won’t change their habits or the way they think. She needs to move in social circles that think and act the way she does, who can perhaps lead her down new avenues of life she might just want to explore, but doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to. A wide range of friends is a wide range of contacts in the future. I was brought up in a street where no one had anything much, and some of the people I grew up with are still there under the same circumstances. I CHOSE to leave that scene behind, and yes, I guess that means I don’t have much respect for those who had the chance to do so but didn’t.
Tell her about the crab mentality, and to avoid associating herself with crablike creatures. There are plenty of Filipinos who DON’T share this mentality who will be much better friends in the future.
Jim;
The roommate problem is solved, and I fully agree with your advice. I explained Crab Mentality when she was a teenager, and then would point it out to her while her schoolmates were trying to pull her and her sister into it. They both caught on quickly and avoid it. But you advice is sound, and worth pointing out to youth whenever you can.
Paul
Im back, I been slacking off!
Great article, I never understood the filipino mindset of if you have $ it is your obligation to spread the wealth around. What happens when you get in debt, do all the the filipino rush to your aid and help you out with a shower of $, NOT
Or maybe you just need to give that Money Tree in your back yard a dose of fertilizer.
Sometimes Jealousy is well desered, say when you go out drinking with the boys and don’t come home till 5 am covered with “Stripper Glitter”
Neal;
I’ve been wondering where you’ve been. Welcome back! I’ve noticed that folks in my purok help each other with debt. They run up a bill at the Sari-Sari, never pay it, wait until it goes bankrupt, then they move on to the next store. “Helping with debt” Wait until they find out about credit cards!
Stripper Glitter? Send pictures.
Paul
I been checking in here from time to time but been not been commenting.
I been busy with painting every room in the house making it ready for another spring attempt to sell it so I can LIP.
Pictures I aint got no pictures in fact I wont even speak of the incident around the house or else I get the “Tampo” treatment along with a Dry spell if you know what I mean.
Neal;
Joking about the pictures, I have a censor also. That’s a lot of work to get the house ready for sale, I’m not jealous of you one bit. I just say I hope it all go’s well. You’re needed here to help SMB in sales.
Have to agree with Jim on that, time to move out of that liberal infested apartment, it will only get worse. Kudos on ya Paul for having a bright kid !
Brian;
I agree with Jim also, she has her new apartment, she canceled MSNBC on cable, it’s now Fox and Fox alone. All is right once more in the world. And thanks, she is bright!
Paul, I think its all been said so I will say good morning/evening and enjoy the day. Ron
Ron;
Thank you; I’m going to take your advive, and will enjoy the day! Please do the same.
Whew! Well said! I agree, time to look for new roommates!
American Lola;
Ymir Thea, has agreed with you, and has moved. The solution was just that simple, as sometimes it is. She’s very happy again, and her “Big Adventure” go’s on!
Great post Paul…and from what I gather you have taught your daughter that she has the right to make her own choices in life and not make her choices on others ideas or want to’s. Her 2 friends fit right in to the President of the USA idea or way of thinking….Whats yours is part of mine but what is mine is not part of yours…..Your Daughter is on the right track and needs to find a new place to live I would think and probably will in time and as far as her Aunt goes, I quess she could tell her Aunt to tell her cousins to get off there lazy butts and start making a life for thier selves….because I am not going to do it for them..
Dan;
Socialism only works if you never run out of other peoples money. As a father my girls would ask the question; “What do you think I should do, Daddy?” Id ask them to tell me what they’ve came up with as their answer, and nine out of ten times, they’d already found the solution on their own. My job then was to then reinforce them, until they didn’t need me for the answer. But they still ask, and I love it!
send her a copy of ” Atlas Shrugged”, great book.
Chris;
I’ll try and find it and give it a read, not a lot of Ayn Rand books I’ve seen here, I’ll check the American Book Store at the mall.
Google said it is being released as a movie April 15th.
Paul, great post. I like that last paragraph. I hate when somebody makes you feel guilty just cos you earn more money or your well off than the rest. Your daughter should enjoy money she earns, spend it however she likes and not to always treat her friends. It’s not her obligation to do so.It’s good she has other friends in Singapore who enjoys things she does. She seems like nice bright lovely girl.
Sugar;
There is nothing wrong with sporting (buying drinks/food) for your friends while you’re on the town. We’ve all done it, but if a friend expects it or even worst demands it. How good a friend are they?
Yhen is a smart girl, with a good heart, and I taught her growing up that there is a side to people that you won’t like. Learn to deal with them, and stay true to the true friends
The other thing I see here now is teasing. To the point of being mean!!!! I hate it! I don’t tolerate it, but it seems to bring young Filipinos online. Still positively reinforcement works much better.
Bill: Online brings the worst for Filipinos, both young and old. The crab mentality is very evident.
Hi Roselyn, I don’t think it’s that bad. I read some of the comments in the online papers from the Philippines many times daily and it does not reached the blood and guts seeping thru the comments from the online stories from Foxnews.com or Washingtonpost.com. Try reading these two online news provider and you’ll see what I mean.
Mars
Bill;
Teasing, I could not agree more, it’s bulling in it’s lowest form. In the Navy and as a Merchant Marine shipboard life will have it’s share of it. We all did it to each other, but knowing the difference between having fun and hurting was a thin line. If I saw it going to excess, I’d do what I did in High School, being fast with whit, I go after the attacker. and then ask if that was fun? The message was clear, and BTW I can give as well as I can take. But there are clear limits that some folks just never comprehend.
Online, some cowards attack for no justified reason, just another form of bulling. I’ll answer them with something and prove I’m above them.
Bill;
You can tease me for misspelling Bullying not once but twice. Spell check is useless if you spell the wrong word correctly.
Careful on bullying..there’s limit on what others can tolerate, when somebody say enough is enough, better listen. See you tube links below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJI0fWm_PwU
Number 1 lesson in bullying: One noticeable lesson from this video-don’t bully somebody that is a lot bigger than you!
Mars;
I live by the “Bigger” theory in all matters.
hehehe…I learnt a lesson the hard way, when i was 11 yrs old. I felt like a scrap as you do when your raised up with 3 sisters and no brother to have a fight with. So anyway i picked this lad who was 9 yrs of age(very big of me)haha..unbeknown to me his dad had been a professional boxer and had taught his young lad how to box from the time he was knee high to a grasshopper, so naturally he ran rings around me…the score was something like 50 punches to him and zero to me, no great harm was done as we were both lightweights at that age, cut lip and bloody nose and a huge loss of pride on my part, lol…anyway we ended up great mates later on down the road and i will always be greatful to him for teaching me a huge lesson early in my life.
David;
Those lessons in humility are the most important that we learn, I only feel sorry for the ones that forgot them. I had 4 brothers and those fights didn’t really count. But my first after school fight (lesson) has served me well over the years. What a thumping I received!
yes Paul…i copped a couple of thumpings when i was a young fella and give a couple out(got lucky)…but i can honestly say that due to my early childhood experience i never caused any of the fights, tried to walk away but to no avail. My mate who i tangled with when we were kids caught up with me a couple of yrs ago thanks to skype , poor bugger has not had much luck with his health and now needs a zimmer frame to get around. I joked with him about my chances of getting a punch in now…but he assured me he has taught his wife how to box, hahahaha
David;
Taught his wife how to box! That was one of the funnest lines I’ve heard in a long time, Thank you and your mate for the great laugh I had today.
Mars;
I’m shocked that Bill Gates and Steve Jobs would dare to mess with a Master Chief! What are the nuts? Your link was omitted, and a large white space inserted where the link should be.
Paul, what the….well they had been deleting them since this morning due to being PC, but hundreds of postings are already in the WWW. Just Google “Australian bully dealt with you tube” and you’ll get one of the re-post.
Mars;
Who do these people think their fooling with? I found it and he might want to rethink his roll as a bully.
Excellent article Paul. Apparently you did good in raising that young un. And yes, Jealousy is a very powerful emotion. Very hard to recognized in one’s self but shines like a beacon for everyone else to see.
Hi Rich;
As I said before I’ll give credit to my wife as the steady guide in the girl’s life.
If a family member or friend succeeds using honesty and hard work, I swell with pride for them, for if you love them, what else would want for them?
What amazes me is that the “money tree” obligation to support extended Filipino families seems to only run in the shall we say “less educated” circles. There are many Filipino doctors and nurses that are in our community in Harrisburg, and they rarely if ever send money back to the native land. On the other hand, the Filipinos who are working at McDonald’s or other retail establishments, barely getting by in America, are the ones sending cash. Another example of the rich staying rich, and the poor staying poor.
Brent;
I think you’ve got it figured out, nothing but economics, the same as my daughter having to send nothing to us. As I said in the article, Once we’ve lent family members money, and they fail to pay you back, are we obligated to lend more? My mind tells me no, I’m not. Cruel? I feel it would be more cruel to support them and take away any incentive to better themselves.
Paul you have forgot that here “lend” is usually just another word for GIVE.
Tony;
(LOL) I forget a lot of things, but I’ll never forget that!
I agree with those who said it’s probably time for your daughter to move on. Sometimes friends can make it hard to stay friends. It’s a hard thing to do but we sometimes grow and change in different ways. Kudos to you and your wife for raising such a fine daughter.
Jeff;
You wrote; “Sometimes friends can make it hard to stay friends” , and how true that is, but then ask if they were really friends in the first place? I think knot!
Thank you for the kind KUDOS, and I’ll pass them on to my two girls, as they did all the hard work.
Listen….the crab mentality exist EVERYWHERE. I have seen it literally thousands of times with family, friends, associates, and people I barely knew. It is a bad thing if people do not understand how to get away from it.
In the Filipines it is worse though, no doubt. Part of the reason is that families are so tight AND of the jealousy factor. I hate jealousy! My God, it destroys so many people that I see.
There are so many good qualities of the Filipino…but the jealousy and crab mentality are a HUGE problem with the country. I am not sure it is bigger than the corruption, but it is not far off.
Paul, it sounds like you and the wife did a GREAT job of raising your daughter. She seems very well adjusted and I know you are proud of her. She is no doubt proud of mom and dad.
To any filipino reading this….enjoy the success of family members and friends. It is a good thing. And if you want success….go get it! Yes, in the Filipines it is MUCH harder than other places in the world, but you can do it. Do not let ANYONE pull you back.
Don’t wait around for things to happen….make them happen.
By the way, success has a different meaning to different people…YOUR SUCCESS is what you should be after.
Todd;
I’m in total agreement with your post. Please allow me to comment on one item; “I am not sure it is bigger than the corruption.” My belief is corruption stems from jealousy, the desire to have more than others that you envy, and using your position in life to attain it. Thanks for taking the time, I still agree with you!
Hi Todd!!!! Sir, you are 100 percent correct on that one! yes, Filipinos possess good traits (respect for elders, hospitable, friendly) and bad traits as well (like the crab mentality and jealousy mentality you mentioned above).
And you are right, Filipinos should enjoy the success of their family members, as their success brings honor and joy to both themselves and their families as well!!!
Well put Todd! Kudos to you, and wishing you a blessed day! ^_^
Paul,
I appreciate the article. Gossip and jealousy are 2 huge problems. I’ve seen it also and I am starting to think in a different way if I do something nice for 1 family member.
Mayang and you did a great job with raising your daughter. I hope that Kient and JJ are as successful as Yhen.
Jack;
I have no doubt that your chrildren will turn out successful and happy, As you know, the love and affection you show them in their formative years will carry them through life. I really believe it’s as easy as that. My job as a seaman, kept me away from home to earn a wage, but when I was home I spent all my time with my wife and kids, with a very little time with friends. They knew that I was coming home, I loved them, and provided a good life.
I am going to be in the Filipines (I hope anyway) at the end of the month. Paul, I would love to meet you in person and have a beer. Hopefully that is ok with you. If not I understand.
There are three people on this site I look forward to reading…YOU, John Miele, and Bob Martin. I enjoy the other writers but you three really do it for me. You all have different styles and perspectives but you bring a lot to this site.
One thing that I have found to be REALLY frustrating is that many filipinos look at life ONLY from their perspective…and that is NOT how it should be. I totally understand that when a person lives in the filipines they should learn the culture and respect it to a certain degree. I totally agree with that.
But at the same time any filipino that is with someone from a different country should also learn where WE are coming from. So many times I hear filipinos say “Well it is our culture and that is how we do things and think.” I get that!!! I really do get that.
But this is a big world, and if the filipines and the people want to compete and improve the quality of their lives and relationships they need to take a much broader look at how things are done in different places.
And if they cannot go to those places they should at least listen to what we have to say!! They do not have to follow us or anything like that, but at least listen. Gosh, to get a filipino to think outside the box about business is almost impossible.
How many Sari Sari stores can there be in a one block area ALL selling the exact same things??!! How about offering something a bit different or pricing a bit different to increase sales? It amazes me sometimes the narrow mindedness of filipinos!!! And I truly love the people….and that is why I am so passionate about them! But at the same time is so frustrating.
How many unwanted pregnancies are there going to be before the people of the filipines realize that birth control SHOULD be used…or stop having sex!!!! These things should NOT be that hard to understand!!! If you are dirt poor and can barely take care of the family you presently have…you should not be getting pregnant.
Most of us have NEVER come close to growing up or living the average filipino life. I was poor when growing up, but my God, we had it 1000 times better than the average filipino. My life as a kid was so much BETTER (in most ways) than the childhood of my fiance.
We always had plenty of food to eat, I never had to just have warm water to drink for lunch, and we always had plenty of fun things to do. Boredom was a rarity. And we always had hope.
So when I see many filipinos, especially the men, seem to lose hope at such an early age I understand it better now. They have seen nothing but tough times and poverty for all of their lives. Losing hope is easy in those cases. I saw the same thing in South Central L.A. when I was in the Marine Corps. So you will not see me saying that filipinos are useless and lazy and say that EVERY negative adjective to describe people describe filipinos. That is not true.
But what drives me crazy is when the filipino KNOWS there are major problems and they REFUSE to even look at a problem or solution from a different point of view. And when they seem to think that EVERY thing in their live is pre-determined. Sorry, but that type of thinking needs to change or the Filipines will NEVER prosper.
Ok, I went off track a bit…but I really do care and trying to get people in the filipines to just LOOK at different ways of doing things seems like mission impossible.
Todd;
I would be most happy to meet you when you come, e-mail me using the “Contact Us” button, Bob always insures they are forwarded. A cold beer on a warm day with good company, is well worth the time spent.
I agree with a lot of you comments, and when you gotten here and taken a few days to decompress, from the stateside way of life, you find there is as much positive to their way of life as there is negative. The change will only come from them as a Free Nation, when they feel it’s time. This new under 30 population will not put up with it for very much longer, and I hope American does the same.
Yes, I completely agree about the positives being as much as the negatives….for us expats. But when I am there I do not worry about my next meal or how I am going to feed my family.
To see some of the negative stuff I see and KNOW it could be different…and they could still keep much of the good stuff….really bothers me.
I truly love the Philippines and that is why it just crushes me at times to see some of the suffering I see. I will contact you when I get there. Should be there on the 29th of March.
Todd;
It might sound as if I’m heartless, but as much as I side with you, I also realize, that we didn’t make it this way, and are powerless to change it. Today I’ve put 5 nieces and nephews thru higher education. It now is up to them to make the changes.
PS:
I’m booked on the 29th and 30th of March, but anyother time I down for a beer!
Hi Paul: Jealousy, and envy, those green eyed monsters that plague humans. Sounds like your very smart daughter distanced herself from those who have it, friends or relatives, it is a character flaw. A great post.
Roberto;
Distance, as you stated was the best course of action in this situation, Yhen was able to keep her friendship with her roommates, as it goes back to high school and collage. She presented her moving as saving an hour and one half off her daily commute to work. Hey, that part was true. Her other or main reason she kept to herself.
Hi Paul: Your daughter is so much better with her new friends. She is widening her horizon and will make a much better citizen of the world. She will remain a lovely person, inside and out, and will be a pleasure to be around with.
Roselyn;
I could not agree with your comments more, she still keeps her many Filipino friends in her life, she’s just made room for others. She is really enjoying her “Big Adventure” and will be home on vacation in May. May will be my favorite month this year!!!
I tell my few GF’s I’ve had during our courtship that I will be happy to enrich her life but not one penny for relatives. Take it or leave it. All the ones I have been with have readily accepted it. I also don’t tolerate this tampo garbage or any form of jealousy that goes beyond what might be considered normal for any man or women. If you let them start being jealous then it will only get worse. I have had a wonderful experience dating here so far and I owe this to straight up communication from the start.
Dwayne;
If you and your GF’s have agreed to those rules beforehand, then I see no problem with that. But, if you’ve found a way to stop tampo and jealousy by just issuing an edict, dear lord sir, please write an instruction book and help the rest of us. That information is just too valuable not to share.
Oh I’m sorry, I just noticed that GF was pluralised. I now understand how it works so well for you.
Paul. All my relationships here have been good so far. Normal breakup reasons. Still looking for the right one. So many to chose from and so little time hahaha. As for the book on Tampo…..coming right up LOL
Dwayne;
That book on Tampo could be a best seller here, I know I’d buy a copy. I understand what your saying about breakups and looking, when it happens it just happens, and there’s no reason you can’t enjoy the waiting.
Wow! Finally, someone de-coded TAMPO. OMG! Even us Filipino husbands are having a hard-time dealing with the wife’s tampo period from time to time. Can’t wait for this book to come out!
Jonathan;
The Manila Times Best Seller List on it’s first day, can you feel the static in the air? The buzz on the streets, the size of the lines in front of every Book Store in the Philippines, it will be epic! And we all can say, that we knew Dwayne, “Before his fame”.
Dwayne; we’re just having fun!
Sorry I kind missed the point with your article. Jealousy of your daughters roomates comes from their parents who reflect and impart terrible values that reflect the overall malaise the Philippines suffers from in the family unit. I bet you don’t see this with the kids of rich Philippine parents.
Dwayne;
It was actually jealously “By” my daughters roommates that was the problem. Her roommates have to support their families back in the Philippines, whereas my daughter does not have to support me. I have no problem with what the roommates are doing to help at home, my problem was them using my girl as an ATM.
I agree that if they (the roommates) were from a well off family, they might not have to send the money home. But their life was not so blessed, and what they are doing is a good thing, but it is also not my daughters responsibility to support her roommates. Thank you for your comments.
Meant jealousy BY your daughters roomates. sorry.
Dwayne;
No sorry required, it’s the internet! (LOL)
Hi Paul,
I sympathise with Yhen,having experienced jealousy in my younger years,she made the right move.
Sheryl and i have shared much village gossip and jealousy,about us,over the years,sometimes cruel at that.
One instance that sticks in my mind,is an ex work colleague of Sheryl’s,who wasn’t even a close friend.On one of my visits,knowing that i was in town,Sheryl received a txt from this
person,demanding “Where is my chocolate gifts,when can you deliver?”.I told Sheryl to tell her to “go and get *******!”,lol.Sheryl ignored the txt and deleted her number.Can you believe such disrespect and jealousy from an ex work colleague.
I believe in the old adage “We become who we are by association”,(so choose wisely who you hang out with.)
regards,
Chas.
Chas;
She could put that chocolate where the sun don’t shine! Break out the dictionary, look up the word ignorant, and who’s picture would you find as an example?
Sheryl was smart to make use of the delete function on her phone, no one needs people like that in their life. And I wager the co-worker had no idea she was wrong!
Paul,
There is so much truth to your article. However this feeling of jealousy is by far not limited to the Philippines. I see this daily here in the U.S. as well. I could spend days writing a list of examples but I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. This jealousy eventually mutates into an entitlement mentality and socialist economics. There is absolutely no reason your daughter should pay more for the apartment or pick up the tab when going out just because she has more. I’m sure she worked hard to do better. She has a right to enjoy the reward of her efforts. There is no reason for your daughter to send money to family members who can work but don’t work. They are not her responsibility. All this does is fuel the gravy train of entitlement and make your daughter go broke. I apologize in advance if this offends someone but nobody has an entitlement to your money but you. I’m a charitable person but I believe in the “hand up” approach, not “hand out”. One thing I absolutely cannot tolerate is for someone to brow-beat me, lay on a guilt trip and try to tell me that I am somehow obligated to provide simply by virtue of having more. I applaud you and your daughter for sticking to your principles and doing the right thing.
Jeff;
You have no need to apologize to anyone for your comment, as everything you wrote was on the mark as to how the majority of us feel. Both Kano’s and Pinoys. It is also a big problem in the U.S.like you wrote, I only used the example of my daughter as this has just transpired within the last month and we were on the phone with her discussing the situation, and how she should handle it.
The things about supporting the underemployed are from the past, and I felt it was pertinent to this post. So the bottom line is I’m in total agreement with your comment, and enjoyed reading your point of view.
Aaaah the green eyed monster jealousy! I was guilty of experiencing that one at the end of my twenty year marriage in America. Luckily I am over being jealous of the attention that my wifes boyfriends were recieving. haha! My Filipina wife of five years was succesful in business before we were married and being single was expected to give freely. When we married she announced that since being married is the excuse for the others in the family to not give then she now has the same excuse. Before she was the sole provider for the aging parents and raised and educated many neices and nephews. Now she is in politics so she is experiencing a new kind of jealousy. She is following through with a clean transparant government promise which has some people foaming at the mouth. One such person has stated “Oh its good for you to make reforms since you don’t need the money” Hmmm sounds like an admission of guilt to me. We have experienced the smack in the face of helping some without helping everyone. Sometimes it make you regret helping. We now try to limit our help to things for the school. We are working on a plan to build a playground there. We were going to refurbish the one at the barrio hall but political jealousy made us change our minds. At least the children will not become the victims of this jealousy.
Tom;
And the saying goes; “No act of kindness will go unpunished.” That is very apropo here in the Philippines. If everybody who can afford it, would just educate and help, one child, their place in heaven will be reserved.
Good for your daughter Paul. I was always told that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Sounds like that is true.
Meriam runs into the green monster all the time. Why? She is married to me. I think she is a great woman just to put up with me. If they only knew! Then they want to know where our big car is or why I haven’t taken her to the States. She has one close friend that is now in the States and she hates it. I know another woman that is in the States and she hates it too. Not so much to be jealous about. Living the simple life here in the Philippines is just fine with me.
73,
Gary
Gary;
I’ve been asked for years why Mayang and the girls never lived in the States? My answer was simple, I was a Merchant Seaman at sea 8 months a year. Would it have been kind to drag my wife away from her home and family, stick her and the girls in a house where she knows no one, does not understand what’s required to live there, and I come back and find my two sweet girls are now Americanized teenage monsters! Pray tell, I think not. Plus I like it here in the land of (mostly) well behaved kids. But a far more important reason was; “It was just none of their damn business!”
Paul,
Thank you for this comment. I get asked the same question all the time. I work as a contractor and I am never in the States. I feel the pressure to bring the family to the States from my family and friends also. My wife feels secure in living in the Philippines as she knows what to expect there. I could not see her living in the States and having to adjust to all that with out me there. She has family and friends there that help her in many ways. With everyone working in the States and having their own life it would be near impossible for her to get the help there that she has in the Philippines! Plus I too love to come “home” to the Philippines! 19 more days!!!!!!!
Steve;
Exactly, you made my point. Had I been a nine to five, bean counter, or other type of job, and could have been with her every day to help with the transition than I might have moved her to the states. Some of us just can’t. This was the way it worked for guys like us, and it is the right way!
If any of my brothers are reading this…”Do ya get it now?”
Hi Paul
I can understand your daughters room mates being a tad envious of her. Its only natural for them to desire to be able to spend their hard earnt salary on things they desire and not have to send it all home to support family members. Dont be to hard on them mate….Your daughter sounds like a fine young lady but perhaps its time for her now to move on and live independently or with others of the same priviledges she has in life….She can still maintain her friendship with her ex-roomates from a distance and even catch up once in awhile and take them out for a pizza…..but i think to stay where she is now will only increase the envy and might cause your daughter to feel guilty when she wants to buy herself something nice and can see her roomates are struggling just to keep up with buying the essentials….
Hi David;
I know her roommates very well as they were also her classmates here in Olongapo, I understand that they are required to help at home, and that is a Nobel thing to do on their part.
The only advantage my daughter has, is that she’s not required to send money home to her family, I helped her get to Singapore, and supported her for a couple of months, but for the last year and a half, she’s done it all on her own.
As I said a few times above, their friendship has not ended, all is well between them, the difference is, Yhen, wants to broaden her outlook on the world, and learn about other cultures and people, her former roommates want to stay in a Filipino Cocoon, and have no desire to get involved in the melting pot that is Singapore.
AH ok Paul….Your daughter has already moved, I didn’t read that in your article…so hopefully problem solved now.
I used to visit Singapore a lot before i met my wife as i had a good friendship with a filipina also working there, and yes your correct on how you describe the Filipino Cocoon that they try to exist in. I guess some of its down to economic circumstances as its quite useal to see 6/8 of them sharing an apartment with only 4/5 beds in it….but it struck me that maybe some of its also that they like to hang around with those that spoke the same diallect as not all filipinos can chat fluently to each other.
My wife had the problem with a taxi driver in Davao, his english was poor so that ruled me out having a chat to him, so my wife tried to converse him in ilonggo but he was only fluent in tagalog so we didnt gain much there.
I also noticed when i visited my ex g/f at the international hotel that she worked that all of her friends were filipino, yet she was one of the most smartest people i knew, she spoke six languages and was highly respected at the hotel and sometimes actually ran it when the manager was away on vacation or business.
The thought has struck my mind Paul that maybe filipinos do have a complex when working abroad . There is no doubt that they are hired in most cases because they are considered cheap labour and so the locals may look down on them because of this. I do know that many of them were treated badly by their employers in Singapore, often having to work extra hours outside of their contractual agreement for no pay. If they complain they are told ok we send you home if you dont like it, so they dont complain. Maybe by sticking together in this type of tycoon and sharing all these experiences brings them sort of comfort, what do you think?
David;
You make a lot of valid points as to why the Cocoon themselves; my girl is lucky, as her bosses husband and wife team, has taken to Yhen, because they like her and she sells more bicycles than any other employee. I told her many times here in the Philippines how poor customer service can kill a busness. A merchant seaman, was in buying a large amount of bikes for the crew to use while in the shipyard. Instead of saying “Not In Stock” and sending him on his way, she got on the phone and called their other shops and locked in the needed bikes. Then called her boss and said she needed a truck to pick up the order and deliver them to the ship. The boss was so impressed he paid her a nice bonus, promoted her. And now his wife takes care of all visa paperwork required for her to live and work in Singapore. I taught her well, and she is very sharp.
Paul, I believe that if Yhen were still in the Philippines working at the same place in Subic Freeport where she was once given the assignment to re-write the company manual, she may not have been able to demonstrate the same level of competence and mature judgment she exhibited in Singapore, in the remarkable manner in which she single-handedly completed the bicycle sales from start to finish, with little or no direct supervision. There’s no doubt in my mind that Yhen’s potential for excellence in her chosen field of expertise was present all along, but because of what may have been the lack of challenges at her previous employment at Subic, whatever initiative she may have possessed back then were dashed. Today, it seems that her natural capabilities are let loose in Singapore, and she may have found her calling there, as well.
Ricardo;
OMG what a memory you have if you remember about her job on Subic. It turns out what happened to her then was for the best. It gave her the will to go to Singapore.
So I enjoyed your comment very much, as I thought back and remembered when after all that happend to her, she never threw herself a “Pity Party”, I got to watch that fire grow in her eye.
It sure was a proud day for me.
I remember a lot of the things you write about, Paul, maybe because of your proximity to my province of Zambales. How could I forget Yhen’s disappointment over her boss taking the credit for the hard work she did in revising the company manual. I have visions of the colorful jeepneys and the traffic-clogged streets of Olongapo whenever you relate stories set there, like Mayang and her twin sister paying bills, or you visiting the local BI office before driving out the backgate to Subic Freeport for lunch, or is the other way around. LOL Papa Duck Randy and I have already made an “unofficial” plan to visit you at your mountain hideaway someday, hopefully before carabaos start flying. 🙂
Ricardo;
Both you and Papa Duck Randy would be most welcome guests anytime. Hell, I’d even fire-up the Mindanao Bob Deluxe BBQ Grill in honor of your vist.
BTW: I’m in Bataan but only 10 minutes from the Zambales border, at the top of the Zig-zag just past Tipo.
Thanks, Paul. Hey, Randy, should we bring Dwayne along for the ride up the zigzag road to Paul’s place? Not sure if Paul would like the idea, though. 🙂
I’m with Ricardo; I easily remembered editing the manual and that she was a bike shop manager/salesperson. It’s not been that many months or years since you’ve wrote about them…and like someone else said, you, John, and Bob are the best story tellers (in truthful way of course 😉 ) on this fine site.
I thought your daughter was marvelous and still do. Her folks done her good-real good !
Hi Pete;
It’s good to know you guys do read these postings, and on behalf of John, Bob and myself, I thank you for those encouraging words. As I wrote a short while ago, this is pure fun for me and I thank Bob for letting me do it. And I thank all of you readers, who just add that extra something, making it all worth while.
I thought that if I listed the odd things I’ve encountered over the years, that someone else after they get here, will know to just find the humor in a given situation, and avoid the anger. I’ve had many a guy tell me; “Yup, I was in a similar situation!” And we’d both get a laugh out of it.
I say; “It’s difficult to raise your blood pressure when your laughing!”
Paul,
A very nice article!! Senior Chief, I asked a friend as you stated there on the title of your article, “Where’s the Logic in Jealousy?” And his reply was, “Nowhere! Jealousy cannot get you nowhere!” Hmmmm………
Thank you!
Aklan;
A very wise friend, was he a Master Chief? But no matter he is 100% correct.
Maybe your daughter should get new roommates, she’s not an atm either. Good job dad you and your wife did a good job twice by the sound of things. Why do things get so complicated with money and the green monster. It happens everwhere in the world and money is normally the cause. My wife is real good at giving when needed and not when she decides to say no. I just smile and leav that desicion up to her. She works hard for her money and she is harded to give it out then I am. I picked a good woman, what can I say I got really lucky.
Eric;
She’s moved and all is well again. It’s true jealousy is an epidemic world wide. I was told by priests when I was young, that money was the root of all evil, I think it’s untrue. It’s the lack of money that causes the most problems.
You are wise to leave those family money decisions to your wife.
Paul,
Train up a child in the way he/she should go; even when he/she is old he/she will not depart from it. I believe you and Mayang have done this! Very good to hear that she has followed your advise as she has grown. I also remember your stories of her times before in Subic, and I feel this has helped her as she has moved forward. I just hope that I too can relate stories like this once my children are grown and on their own!
Steve;
I believe you have the formula for ensuring success in your kids!
I’m going to say something that a lot of people just won’t believe; “My wife and daughters in their life, have never seen me angry, or heard me utter a harsh word to them.” Were they perfect? Oh ney, I think not. But any mistakes they made, were harmless, unless I allowed it to grow out of preposition. In that was they knew they could come to me with anything and I’d help them work it out.