One thing I have found fascinating about life here n the Philippines is my heightened sense of family. My own family back in the US is, well shall we say a bit on the dysfunctional side … and when I married the first time, my ex’s family made mine look like paradise by contrast.
When I first visited the Philippines to meet Mita, she almost immediately took me to a birthday party for her mom … mom’s 70th … and I don’t mind saying I was a bit nervous. the fact there must have been a hundred people packed in their modest home and outside lanai didn’t help any. Everything was Tito this and Cousin that and I really couldn’t keep much straight, to tell the truth.
But Mita’s family, especially her mom and dad were particularly nice to me and they were very down-to-earth and easy going. Fortunately I didn’t fall into the situation so many expats seem to, where they can’t stomach the wife’s family and/or vice-versa. We got off to a good start and momma and daddy are still a big part of my life. I’ve enjoyed having a “second lap” at the family thing, and I really regret my own dad couldn’t have met Mita’s father, they are both of the World war II generation and one hates Douglas MacArthur like the devil himself and the other thinks the sun rises and sets around “Dugout Doug”. (If you know Filipinos at all, you’ll know which one holds which view 😉
One thing that hasn’t ever been easy for me, though, is the aunts and uncles (titas and titos) and a bewildering assortment of cousins of various descriptions. Some have been here in the Philippines all their lives, others are in the USA, Australia, Canada and other countries, and some shift back an forth with bewildering speed.
Another thing which has taken me quite a while to get used to … indeed I likely never will get used to … is that nearly everyone here is someone’s cousin. It’s actually a rare event that someone comes on TV, famous or infamous, and I don’t hear that they are some distant cousin, related, usually, to the mother-in-law’s families, which are both large and somewhat prominent on both sides.
Mother Bessie does not like these families brought up … I think this makes her a relatively rare bird here, where family name dropping is a highly developed art … no matter how tenuous the connection back in history. But the aversion to publicity and ‘name worship’ is one of those personal decisions that is so far out of Philippine cultural norms that few respect it or even take notice. I really became aware of this a few months ago when we visited a provincial town where my wife spent her high school years and where mother’s fathers family has long been a fixture. (they aren’t one of the rich families, they are one of the political families … and yes there’s a president of the Philippines wrapped up in the mix .. and that’s as far as I am going down that road, sorry).
My wife and I went into the Municipio (town hall) looking for some information on property we thought was in the family and the municipal accountant, a long time family friend, insisted on dropping everything. shoeing people out of their seats, literally, and taking us to meet the mayor and deputy mayor. “Ma’am, you must meet a xxxxxx (using the prominent family name)”
Wow! I didn’t know we were here to run for office, I figured just pay some taxes and be on our way 😉 But ‘”the Great man” is actually Mita’s cousin, and thus mine too, by marriage, and when someone that ‘close to greatness’ shows up, you must make a fuss. And you mustn’t deny those who want to make the fuss their small pleasures.
Takes some getting used to. But that’s all part of living in the Philippines.
Hi Dave,interesting story,reminds me of the old saying,"its not what you know,but who you know that counts" (especially in PI).Talking of extended families,its those that generally come out of nowhere with requests for money when a filipina marries a westerner.Generally far more of a nuisance than immediate family,regards Chas.
Hi Dave – Our home town in the Phils is mostly populated by a relative of one sort or another. Following history back to pre-Spanish days, most municipalities were nothing more than clan gatherings and family compounds. It's nice to visit the first cousin mayor, or chat with the second cousin senator, etc. No need to say that "getting things done" is a lot easier with family help! 😆
Dave: yeah, it sometimes makes my head spin too… I will say that Rebecca's family has welcomed me with open arms and with no pretense. I truly have not met any kinder or more honorable group of people. Sure, there was some shyness at first, mostly due to language, but that has gone away to a certain extent.
As to connections, it would behoove any westerner joining a Filipino family to remember that connections run deep and come from unezxpected places.
Name dropping and acting and treating someone special just because he/she is a politician, a celebrity, a high ranking "official", or someone's close relative, is still something that bothers me, even as a Filipino. 🙂
Dave, I could identify with your article. The smaller the town, the more relatives you have. My children who were all born in US, also gets so confused, who their real uncles and aunties are since everybody are called Tito or Tita . They also say, when you marry a Filipina, you also marry the whole family and also hundred of relatives.
@ Chas. So far i have been lucky. Haven't had any of those 'out of the woodwork' requests. There's a cousin of my wife's who has been pestering various members of that famous family she's related to for years, trading on that 'distant relationship'. It's hardly confined to lay abouts pestering the American, sadly.
@ Oual, absolutley. I didn't mean it to sound all negative … jest kind of a head's up to most Americans that they are going to find they have a _lot_ bigger family here thna they thought they would.
My Scottish gramnd paretnes were each one of 12 children, so my mom, the last family memeber who kept track had a list of over 200 cousins of mine. That was more thna a genertaion ago ijn year terms so there must easily be 500 people out there who can claim to be cousins of mine. It's not confined to the Philippines … but perhaps becuase the grandparents weren't rich I never had someone stop me on the street to say "I'm a Duncan" or "I'm a Macky" or ….
@ Beth, Hello and thanks for the comment. That's exactly the point I ws trying to make. My wife hates the name dropping too. It's often better not to mention any family names unless you know the person you are speaking to very well, or else the second party may launch off into the 'hero worship' mode. Gets on people's nerves at times … bt again, it's just one of those cultural things that has to be taken into account. there's alot more to living here than just knowing the Peso exchange rate 😉
@ David B. … exactly. You may _think_ you are marrying a particular person, but you are joining a family, like it or not. It's good planning to figure out how to make the family expereince pleasurable from the starrt, because you'll be part of it, no matter what you think at the beginning.
Hi Dave,
Nice article! Connections, connections, connections. Or should I say: Relationships, relationships, relationships. That's Asia in a nutshell. The continuity of harmonious relationships are very important to Filipinos, so cultivating and maintaining goodwill is really important. Family dynasties wax and wane, but those connections and relationships are maintained so they can be 'rekindled' when needed. It is tough to get used to when you're next in line and somebody gets looked after first. But I've also noticed that most front office staff will do their best to smooth it over when it is a foreigner who gets snubbed — we're not expected to understand, so they try to make sure our feathers don't get too ruffled.
Good topic!
@ Martin, one thing Americans _never_ seem to notice here is the special treatment we often receive. I know, I know it's more popular to comp;lain about the times we get stuck with poor service, but seriously, more often that not, the foreigner is king. I had a prblem with a charge at the drug store. i went in to question it. Had to wait for the office manager to come out to the counter. When she saw me standing thre she barked out commands to the staff … a man ran out from the back with a chair.
The issue was complicated between the store and two different banks. The office manager, Sally, made phone calls, took notes, did what she could but had to leave it in the hands of the store's bank. Over the next 10 days she called me, twice, following up until the charge got reversed. I can't complain.
In the bank the other day i was depositing some checks. The line wasn't long,but here was a short wait. When i got to the counter one of the senior tellers whom i have spoken to before came up and said, "Mr. Starr, why did you wait? Why didn't you go to the senior citizen counter"?
Well I am a senior citizen, but here in the Philippines to avail of most senior citizen privileges you need a special government form. You should see the thrid degree they put my father-in-law through at Kentucky Fried Chicken just to give him his authorized senior citizen discount. I hate making an issue about things like that.
i told the teller," I have no senior citizen card". She looked at me as if I was crazy and told me, "You come to me any time you are in my bank, we don't treat people that way." Again, I have no complaints.
Many foreigners worry about getting a Filipino to intercede for them in some problem situation. My wife often sends me on my own instead … she says, with a laugh … "You foreigners always get better treatment". (she's an American citizen as well as a Flpino so we often joke about 'your country' or 'my country'.
but jokes aside, I have no complaints .
I find this to be a big problem as well when planning my family's homecoming to Manila. I fill our 8 Balik-bayan boxes with goodies for all (somehow related to the other post here about pasalubong) … and don't get me started with my mother's side of the family… as soon as they hear the news that any of her relatives are coming home, the whole province (now city) of Cavite is waiting by the Airport's welcome area. My middle name carries "a lot of weight" in my mom's province and I don't like the "special treatment" to be honest, it's not only unfair to the rest of the "unfortunate no-names" who pay the same taxes as the "name-brand" well-connected many. So I guess, there are pros and cons to this.. but I see so many cons. This needs to be "uprooted" from our culture as Filipinos.
… to add, I almost didn't want to marry my wife because of her last name.. she carries a big last name too and mine sounds more like a perverted maniac… I've always felt that many of her family would question my "connections"… but in the end it turned out really good. I am just happy that there's not a lot of name dropping going on with my wife's family… it turned out it's more coming from my side.. which I feel really awful about.
@ Obei: I got a good chuckle out of that. Thanks for commenting and for pointing out the very mportant fact I _didn't_ mention. It's not only your family connections that can be a bit delicate relationship-wise, it's the name itself. In the US I don't think I've ever heard or thought much about the meaning of a person's family name … aside from a few that sound funny or make people laugh, we just accent them and go on about our business.
But here in the Philippines? I'll never forget the first day we moved into our house here. we met our across the street neighbor, (he's actually a very nice guy) and I saw a look of almost fear on my wife's face. My wife is very down to earth and not really all that superstitious … but this man's fam,ily name is uncommon and as best I can find out means some very bad hting in ancient history … and that's all the distance my wife wants to go in the explanation … certain Tagalog expressions and beliefs just do not translate.
So always choose wisely 😉