I got a forwarded email from somebody. I Think it really was intended to be a joke email, but when I read about it, it has meaning. It is about the perceptions of the Filipinos towards Filipinos or families that lives abroad. That everybody that lives there is filthy rich and that you have a tree outside that bears a lot of $$$. It was written in Tagalog. A lot of it was really true. I translate some of it.
Here’s some sample:
- That when you live in the US, Canada, Europe and Australia that you have lots and lots of money.
- That you own a few credit cards you are cool and have money then.
- That if you own a nice house and a nice car then you are really rich.
- That when you are sending them a nice picture that you went for a vacation to Disneyland, or Disney World, or Six Flags or some other nice place it shows you can afford everything.
- That you can come to the Philippines to visit once or twice every 2 years.
- That you can help once in awhile to the other siblings when they are in need.
- That you could help send some nieces and nephews to school.
Some people just don’t realize that we have all of the stuff that we have because we work so hard. Yeah we have nice house and car, but we have a loan that we are paying every month. We can go for vacation because there is some stuff we have to cut down and try to save for the vacation that we are dreaming of. Yeah, we are earning dollars but we are also spending in dollars too. This is really the reality here. I know there are some that are well to do and not relying on their families abroad, but the majority are really waiting for the money that would be sent from abroad.
Having lived in the States for 10 years I really did experience some of those expectations from my distant relatives. They are the ones who asked something from me. I’ve never heard my Dad, Mom and siblings ask for money. They tried their very best to support their family here. Now we are sending some nieces and nephew to school. We have to let them work for us too instead of just handing them money. Bob and I were already burned by one of our nieces. We treated her like our daughter, but she just really slapped us back with dishonesty and vices. So now Bob and I decided that we don’t just give, we let them work a little before giving free stuff or money.
I do hope with the internet and TV now that people would get a glimpse of how the other people live their lives in the West. Its not the perfect image that they are thinking. Oh well, I might have thought the way these people think before I went to the States too. We just have to open our eyes I guess. It’s not too late. What do you think?
Hello Feyma
How true it is, yes by Filipino standards we sure do make alot of money here in US. But It takes alot of money just to live here.
Funny story, one time my wife got a letter from a distant relative that she couldnt even remember. In the letter they went so far as to write down a list of things (name brands included) that they were asking for us to send them. I recall them asking for "Victorias Secret" Lotion, and "Nike" sneekers.
Now if you explain the US expenses to them $1000 for house mortgage $150 groceries a week they think you are even richier because you can afford the expenses. Its a no win. You cant blame the Filipino people its just they dont realize that most Americans/ foreigners live pay day to payday just like they do.
Gotta go, its time to water the "Money Trees" in the backyard. 😆
Oh Feyma, I think some people just like to take advantage.
I mean, I don't live in the USA, BUT I have an EX friend who took advantage of me she was a FREELOADER! I think she was jealous I did not have to go out and work everyday and she did.
She asked for everything from me, up to the point she owuld say to my dog, Maria will you give me shampoo, and then she will turn to me and say Maria said I can have a bottle of shampoo, it was so bad she even MADE ME PAY for her faucet at her house – duhhh….
She did not look at me as a friend but an ATM machine.
She wanted to always sleep at my house as I have a/c and she does not at her house, even when I tell her I am busy you can't she would say Oh just do what you want I will just wtach tv please please please.
It was sooo terrible I had to break off the friendship.
She is pretty lazy as a person as she does not understand that to get good things in lufe you have to work HARD for it. Like example she did not want to work in a bank – her reason I can't have leave if I am a new employee – gosh, what kind of reason is that?
Sorry to rant on and on but see people don't just take advantage for relatives and friends overseas. But some people do not take advantage some do though.
BTW she now has an American Citizen BF, her POOR BF hehehe if only he knows what she is really like.
Hi Feyma, this column is really true coz it happen to me. I have been rob by my wifes family. Recently, they took out money from our account for 4 months without asking permission. I trusted them to pay my lots at davao city every month but instead they used that money. I dont understand coz we give them monthly allowance. I fixed up their house and bought 2 tricycle but I guess it never enough. I feel sorry for my wife coz she is so shame of what they are doing. They really think that we are rich. I already told them my debts here in states are left and right but I dont know if they believe me. Im not sure if I even want to visit Davao again. I already put my lots for sale to move somewhere else when I retire. So if you have any friends interested of buying a lot in a gated subdivision i am selling mine at a lower price. I just want to be away from my relatives 🙂
Hi Jeff, sorry to hear about your money situation with your inlaws. I am very lucky with my wife. I am currently renting a house in Davao, looking for some lot in a sub-division. Can you send me some info. Good Luck in your adventure.
Hello Feyma, it's a common perception isn't it? I moved to Canada 15 years ago. Luckily, I haven't experienced such myself but I'm sure distant relatives of mine think the same about me. I haven't been back for a visit yet but my Mom has been here twice for long periods and I'm glad she witnessed how it is to live in North America and I'm sure she shared stories when she returned home."Hard work" is right. I always tell my husband how it was like back home where I'd work in the bank, do overtime then go out until late 3x a week…it's always party time….while here, you work then go straight home and do household chores…another factor is: it's easier to qualify for credit cards and bank loans here than in the Phils. I remember back when as a bank officer, I cannot even get approved for a visa card?….at least here, even cleaners can avail of any credits……Like you said, yes, we have our houses and cars but the bank owns them for a few years until we pay them off….
Hello Jeff,
I am truly sorry to hear of your problems …..
Can I ask you which subdivision the lot you have for sale is in ?
Regards,
Scott
Hi Feyma –
Three of my wife's siblings and their asawas just arrived in the USA a couple of weeks ago with Green Cards in hand. In that short period of time, they've discovered for themselves that the "green" thing growing on our trees are leaves, not dollar bills! 🙂
Needless to say, they have a whole new outlook on life and a new appreciation the support they received in the past and for those who provided them this new start in life. 😆
Hi Neak in RI – Ha ha ha, I got the same experience with your wife receiving a letter from someone I hardly know. Bob and I just meet this person for 2 hours at the most during the baptism of our oldest son here in the Philippines. Few months after we got back to the States I received a letter from this person asking money from us for almost $2k.It really just shock me how they can figure out how much money they want from us without even asking if we have money or not.
Anyway, really the people here just don't have a clue that the people in the West also are spending a lot, like everyone here in the Philippines. Its sad.
Hey, maybe we could help you harvest the "MONEY TREE" later 😆 😆
Hi Feyma,
What you have written was true. My experience was with a friend. She told me that her grandmother just died and she need some financial help so I gave her a little bit of money but later on I found out that her grandmother was very much alive.
Hi Cheryll Ann – Wow I am shock of how your friend was acting towards you. I think she saw that you had a nice and big house and also your parents are living abroad so she thinks you are loaded. You know what even though you have lots, that doesn't give her the right to abuse you like that. I am glad that you finally break your friendship with her. Its also a shocked to me that shes asking even your dog's shampoo. OMG, GRabe jud sya!
Hopefully she will change for the better with her BF now. Cross our finger. 😉
Hi Jeff – I'm so sorry of what you and your wife been through. I heard of something like that happened before to a friend of mine in the States. You know what she never send money anymore to her family unless its really proven that they really needed it. She sacrifice for her family to work abroad for them to have a good life, her parents and siblings just spend it all without even telling her. The money was intended for building a house. When she came for a surprise visit NO HOUSE was built and the money are all gone. You made a good decision to live not close to your wife family later.
Good thing that you posted here coz I can see some people are already getting interested. Sure I will tell my friends that are interested to see your place. Maybe one of them will be buying it.
Good luck to you and your wife.
Hi Veechee Lopez-OLson – Just don't be shock when you visit your family here in the Philippines that somebody will introduce to you that he or she's your relatives. Thats good that your mom saw your life in Canada. At least she did see you how much you work hard to earn a living there.
It's true it is hard to get credit cards here. My goodness you have to go through so much. Yeah in the States anybody can get credit cards, but not in the Philippines. 😉
Hi Paul – Wow. That's amazing how quickly they realize the hardship of living abroad. At least they know now how you guys work so much to provide for your family and them before.
They must have been then disappointed to see that you don't have the Money tree in your backyard? 😉
Hi Ringgay – That would be hard to find out that your friend was lying to you? My gosh, shes using her grandmother as an excused? Thats really bad.
Are you guys still friends?
My friend – his parents are AMerican Citizens and his sister and brother are too and they live in USA, but he is Filipino Citizen and lives here, he says he would rather live here because after working when you get home, you have help and all.
In the USA it's all work work work work to keep up with mortgage payments, car payments, insurance payments and when you get home, no help, LOL LOL!
Feyma – she's TERRIBLE – no not dog shampoo she wanted my human shampoo but she asked my dog for permission (I mean is that wierd or what) and everytime I buy something she gets stuff and makes me pay for it, coz she will put it with my stuff at the counter.
She borrowed my MP3 player and when I asked her where it was she went "Oh by the way – I erased all your songs and replaced them with mine" so I said sarcastically It's yours! She went YEY YEHEY! And everytime I go overseas or out of town she will say oh buy me a watch, buy me a wallet, buy me a…… UGHHHHHHH! And we are NOT even related!
We have not spoken to each other after that and I have not seen her because according to our common friend she's hiding from me whenever I'm back in Davao.
I really wanted to stay in Davao but its just hard when people around me thinks that I am rich. I am a caregiver here and its really a difficult job.
Anyway, I have a lot in Fuente villa abrille subd.132 sq meter. current market price is 7600 per square project of filinvest at tulip drive i am selling for 7000 per square. Another one is in orange groove matina also Filinvest 170 sq. meter im selling for4300 per square meter both are fully paid and title are ready for transfer. My lot in buhangin Las palmas verdes subd. is 360sq meter but I havent fully paid it yet it is 2900 per square I am willing to just get even on this lot or have someone continue the payment it was only 2900 per square when I bought it. the good thing on this lot is it is corner lot and next to the clubhouse it is sta lucia project.
Feyma, if ever you find me a buyer I am willing to give you a comission 🙂
I plan to move somewhere in Cagayan de oro or Cebu area.
Hi Cheryll Ann – Your friend is right that it better here because to live here because you can have helper here. Its true its always work, work there. Whenever you leave your house messy there when you come back the mess is still there, unlike here as soon as you leave your helper will clean up for you. 😉
I just can't believe the attitude of your friend. She's really something. I'm glad that you don't associate with her anymore. She's just a user.
Hi Ringgay – Good for you to not to speak to her anymore. Yeah she should be ashamed of herself. Not worth to be a friend. Good luck to you!
Hi Jeff – Its too bad you can't even stay to the place that you like. I am sorry that you guys have to move somewhere. Gosh, you guys really had it planned for you guys future here. What a shame that you have to change your place to live later.
I will try to recommend your lot to my friends. I'm sure people are reading your comments here and be interested. I hope so anyway.
Cagayan is a good place to live too. Cebu is good too its just getting crowded like Manila.
Good luck to you and your wife.
Hi Feyma, I think I knew the tagalog email that was sent to you. It was forwarded to me too. By the way a friend of mine from friendster gave me your website after reading my blogs. It is much related. What a relief to know I'm not the only one having all these problems. I wonder who's to blame? Is it our filipino culture? Probably we fail to educate our fellow filipinos about the facts of life with our relatives abroad. I, myself had a hard time understanding about it until I finally get here in the US. But does it has to take first hand experience for our relatives to see the fact? I hope not! Until then, we'll just keep wishing and hoping one day, they will see! Have a great day!!!
You can check my blogs: http://romalong.blogs.friendster.com/whats_latest…
Hi Feyma,What an interesting post u started here 😆 Perception,interesting word.Mis-perception i think is nearer the truth.When i tell filipino's we have poor people (admittedly not as poor as in phils)homeless people etc here in the Uk,you should see the dis belief on their faces.You have nice house and car,NO,the bank owns them.You have credit cards,u have money,NO,i borrow the money at extortionist interest rates.However i do not think this perception is just in Phils.My experience of life tells me poor people worldwide are generally nieve when it comes to money and wealth.I was once like that.If u have nothing or very little,you think that all the rich people do is spend spend spend.Apart from those lucky few who are born into wealth,most HONEST rich people have worked hard for their money.Rather than spend spend spend,they invest and save,thats how they become rich and richer.It is human nature,when you have nothing or very little, to spend spend spend when you get your hands on some money.I remember an old saying "What is the difference between a rich person and a poor person,A rich person saves first then spends whats left,A poor person spends first and saves whats left". Perhaps i am a good example although i am not rich.I was born a country boy,the family lived in a rented house,my father died when i was 3.My mother was a shop assisant,i did 3 part time jobs whilst in school,a morning paper delivery 6days a week before school,sunday paper delivery before going to church,worked in a grocery store as a saturday boy.my sis also had school and jobs.My mother could not afford to send me to university,so i left home and joined the Royal Navy to train as a engineer(not my first choice) this then enabled my mother to afford to send my sister to secretarial school(later in life she became school headmasters secretary,she is now a school governor.In the Navy i travelled most of the world,learnt many skills,i taught myself how to manage money,save and invest( i never wanted to be poor again).Did i grow up in Phils,no the UK.In my later working life it was not unusual for me to work 70-80hrs a week,5yrs without a holiday.My filipina wife when we first met also thought everyone in the west was filthy rich. You have to consider both cultures and set out some ground rules before you marry a filipina,dont submit to love is blind.Before we married i told my wife,My 1st duty is to you and any children we may have,My 2nd duty is to my mother (fortunatly she re married in later life and is very comfortable) can delete no2. My 3rd duty is to my wifes parents.I have no duty to anyone else,cousins,aunts etc,unless i feel generous.You can imagine why some relatives call me MEAN Charlie, but i live with it.I once told my wife to tell those concerned i am not jesus christ,i cannot perform miracles,i cannot feed the 5000 with fish and loaves,i only wish i could.Obviously i never get asked for money,they will ask my wife,she replies, he will think about it,generally end of story.Fortunatly for me my wife understands me,our needs,and my childhood and totally agrees with me.We also agreed that my wife sends to her parents a maximum of 25% of her uk income.This enables us to live a reasonable modest life,have reasonable savings,for emergencies,and 1month visit to phils every 2yrs,i am also able to put monies aside for my wifes future security when i am no longer on this earth (as she is half my age).I taught my wife how to save and earn interest on her savings,she is now more astute than me,he he.I read the other day filipina nurses working here are moaning about the cost of living in the UK,meaning they have less to send back home,add on the lowering exchange rate (thats another story).Do filipino's realize that 1million people in uk and 2million in the US will lose their homes this year due to default as the recession bites,i doubt it.I hope this was of interest,Chas.
hI Chas . Spot on my friend i could not have put it better.
Hello Feyma — exactly this is how my relatives WERE thinking, but eventually they realized its HARDWORK=MONEY/DOLLARS..i guess it helps when some of my cousins came here, and they experienced it themselves that you have to worked hard, in order to earn. they had helped me explain to my relatives that we are not picking up the dollars-
Hi all – I am sure that this misunderstanding was at the root of my problem – which has now turned into an almighty problem – because I posted it on the Internet a) As a warning – a cautionary tale [yeah – I know I was stupid and naive – and not a saint myself] b) To attract some informed commentary c) To make it hard for the business to do it again to anyone else – because it was a really painful experience for me and those around me.
But all I have encountered – in response – seems like a conspiracy – and that is not paranoia – just common sense – just as it was common sense in August – that made me suspicious in the first place.
I'd be grateful for any comments.
Thanks.
Hi Chas – I can't agree you more. You said it perfectly.
Thank you very much!
Hi Frank Fealy – Nice seeing you again here.
Hi Marygrace – Yeah, you really have to explain to them.Its hard for them to believe that you live abroad and no money? As you know a lot of the people here if one of their family went abroad they don't feel like going to work anymore. Lots of them are just staying home get drunk and gamble.
Anyway, thank you for dropping by!
HI FEYMER WHEN I AM NOT ACTIVE ON THE WEBB I AM TRAVELLING .JUST BACK FROM MEXICO , JAMACIA AND USA. MY LAST TIME I WILL EVER FLY THROUGH THE USA. I THINK THIS COUNRTY HAS DECLARED WAR ON ALL TRAVELLERS.
Hi Feyma,
Very interesting post, guess I am lucky to not have my wife's family asking me for money, its quiet the opposite for me whenever I offer them money they were always reluctant to take it. On my first visit there a few years ago I was really impressed by a young lady that would come to my room early in the morning take my clothes wash them and return them nicely folded. After my vacation was over I tried to show my appreciation by offering her money and she refused to take it…I did however had some guy there always asking me for $100 dollars US donation for some sort of Charity, and another friend I met there I was sending $200 dollars a month to help them, then there was always someone's birthday etc. I stopped sending and haven't heard from them since.
BTW…. frank fealey How was JAMAICA ? was there last year had a great time.
Tony……
Hi Tony I VIST KINGSTON 3 TIMES A YEAR ON BUSSINESS. HAVE DONE FOR 15 YEARS . SO I ONLY KNOW KINGSTON . LOTS OF GOOD FRIENDS MURDERS ON A DAILY BASIS BREAK DOWN OF LAW AND ORDER. INFASTRUCTURE IN AMESS . SRANGE AS IT SEEMS I ENJOY IT.
Hi Feyma, this is for jeff, i have been lucky my in laws have not been like that, they are a wonderfull family, me and my wife just got back from davao city a couple of days ago, and we are going to buy there house and lot, from them so that they no longer have to worry about losing the house, they are in the later 60's and papa is still working as self employed, i would be interested in knowing more details about jeffs lot in los palmas verdes, as my wifes famiy lives in mandug just a few minutes from there, up bye the lapandaya warehouse plant, they have been clearing a sub division in that area, so if you could give him my e-mail adress i would really like to hear from him on that paticular lot, and see if we might be able to arrange something, well thanks for the blog.
Tim
Hi Tim and Evelyn, you can email me at [email protected] if you need more info. about the lot in buhangin area or my hawaii number at 8082039468
Hi Frank Fealey – Wow you've been cruising all over the place good for you.I also understand your frustrations on the USA. That really takes away the fun then. Hope they have better service then to get you and some others back to visit.
Anyway, when are you going back to the Philippines again? Take care!
Hi Tony – Good for you. You really are lucky. Honestly it is rare to have family like that, because most families really asked and relying the people that came from abroad. It's good to know that theirs also people not asking. I'm happy for you.
Thank you for dropping by!
Hi Jeff & Tim – Good luck to both of you.
Hi Feyma,
I have been married to wonderful Filipina for three years. We live in Maryland, USA. Since we have been married she has been sending money ($200) home EVERY month. Also, from time to time a box full of food, clothes, and assorted toiletries is shipped CARE of USA. She is now 8 1/2 months pregnant. Well about a month and a half ago she told her mother and 16 year old son who both live in a house which she built that she will stop sending money home for obvious reasons. Last night she got a call from her sister (she has 5 sisters-all married in the Philippines and one older brother) asking where is their monthly welfare payment. She said told her sister that was explained over a month ago to everyone. Well, her sister replied they thought she was JOKING. Needless to say my wife is very upset over the matter. She put two sisters through college, paid off the $1,000 dollar debt incurred by her bum of brother in order to save the family farm, paid the entire cost of her father's funeral, and has been sending money home for nearly 15 years staring when she went to work in Hong Kong. I realise not that Filipinos are redicuously unappreciative. They ony care about themselves. We are NOT a bank machine. In the entire three years we have been married her son only spoke to me once (last Xmas) and her mother and sister maybe twice. Not only are they selfish but inconsiderate.
Hi Don, I guess its not only me thats having problems with family at the philippines. My wife also just gave birth last Nov. We did the same thing and told my wifes family that we cannot send money since we will not be working before and after our baby is born for at least one month. We gave them $300 at oct. then another $300 on december and paid off $1200 debt. But for 4 months of talking on the phone and texting they never told us that they used our money that supposed to be used to pay our monthly payments for the land we bought in davao. It cost us almost $2000. The sad part is my wifes sister who was holding the ATM never once text us after I found out. I demand an expalnation but up until now she never text or email us. My wifes mother just said sorry and thats all. Wow… really ridiculous but they are part of my family now. I just dont think I will ever trust them again. I also send my wifes brother to college but its a waste of money coz he stop going to school. Now, my mother in law said she has diabetes and other sickness and needs medicine maintainance. I dont know if its going end. I kept on asking them please think of something that you guys can make money off like selling meat or fish at the market and I will give you guys capital but they are not interested at all. It just makes me crazy to think that the money we are sending came from our blood and sweat and they are only kicking back waiting for the money from us. May God help us… My wife always tells me now that if she knew its going to be like this that she will give me a headache she wished she never married me but I dont think its her fault. I just told her not to spoil her parents. I now stop communicating with them and just concentrate on raising my 4 months old son. My wife still sending them money every month but they dont have access to our account now. We send the money through my brother who has a secretary in Davao. I told my wifes family to be carefull next time because as of now all my family knows what you guys did to us. I feel sorry for them but I need to be a bad jeff now and hold on tight to our hard earned money.
Hi Don – I'm so sorry of what you've been through. Honestly it would not stop unless your wife would not put an end to it. They will keep on giving you guys excuses that so and so is sick, really they might even use your step son to get money. I hope not, but its not a surprise if they would. Your brother-in-law will continue to be jobless because he is used to that sister is sending money. I had a cousin that work abroad for over 8 years, she thought when she comes home she will have a nice house with everything in it like TV, fridge, all of the stuff inside the house. To find out that she didn't have even one of this stuff. She was mad, its too late, she has no money because she sent everything to her family. now she's jobless. I felt sorry for her, but I told her before to not send all her money to leave some for her and save some for later. Shes not popular now to the family because she has no money.
Thats really the attitude herein the Philippines if one member of the family works abroad, that will make them just stay home and wait for the money to come. I hope it really work out the best for you and your wife and kid.
Anyway good luck to you!
Hi Feyma and Jeff,
Thank you for your insights and encouragement. I think my wife has finally come around in realizing her generousity is being taken for granted. I've know their way of thinking all along. Living in America I see it constantly in urban settings. It's the culture of poverty. My wife is an educated woman, as am I, however, it took many years to acclimate her into a more independant and responsible financial mindset. Whenever in the past I questioned her sending money home she would become extremely emotional. Even now I see the guilt written on her face. The Philippines is very effective in hammering into its people the sense of financial obligation to one's family. I think of it as brainwashing. Maybe Filipino should be asking themselves why their country is not more like Singapore, Taiwan, South Korea in tems of wealth and standard of living.
Hi Feyma, you know me and my wife and Rose. Just to let every reader know: I am very fortunate, because Rose explained to the family very early, how difficult it is to earn money in Germany. Meanwhile verybody of the family is standing on his/her own feet. Sometimes AFTER pre-financing some "projects" such as taxi business or what ever. I said "pre financing". Meanwhile we can sit back and relax and focus our own business and earnings up to the moment we receive a regular pension from Germany.
Hi Feyma, My name is Kelvin and I live in the U.S. and I have been reading different blogs on this site and others and have listened to Bob's Podcasts and watched some of the videos. I have even read a lot about the Philippines and what the culture is like and what living there is like. What I would like most is to have a woman who has been on both sides of the fence (A woman from the Philippines who has lived in the U.S.) to be so kind to share some kind advice on having a relationship with a Filipina. Now I realize that we are from two distinct cultures and that adjustments will have to be made on both sides. Having been through failed relationships before I am more eager at making this one work.
I am talking with a filipina online whose family lives in one of the provinces of Davao- Compostela Valley in a small village called Laak. Since graduating from college she has lived in Manila. She has 3 younger sibliings. Her father is a farmer of corn and coconuts. I understand he is very poor. I know very little about her finances or her duties to her family. I do know that she supports her sibling's studies financially hence why she lives in Manila and she works for a Construction Company as a secretary. Her name is Lyn for short. She has really impressed me. She never talks about money and even when the subject comes up she says that she is not interested in money. She only wants to find a man who will love her and be kind and respectful to her. To give you an example of how she is the other night (my day her night) I tried to call her and could not complete the call. She to my surprise knew that I would try to call her went to one of the local internet cafes and messaged me explaining she had sim card problems for me not to worry about her that she was ok and that she was thinking of me. Now I am not ignorant and knew her phone was cut off for not having enough money to pay for her phone. When I questioned her about it she simply said not to worry about her that she is fine. I even offered to help her get it cut back on but again she said not to worry that it was not my problem and that she was fine and then she changed the subject. She has always made it plain that she is not interested in me because she thought I had money. She only wants my love and respect. I do believe her. For as long as we have been talking she never brings the subject up nor does she ask for help. I also avoid that subject knowing as I do how poor people are there. I have talked to other women from the Philippines and many that I talked to would talk about poverty and problems there and some would even ask me to help them. Now, I only talk with Lyn. Lyn has said she loves it there and she loves her mom and dad. I tell her of the things I read about the Philippines and all the places I would like to visit when I come to visit. I have even made mentioned that I would like to come visit regularly even if her and I ended up getting married. She has even mentioned that if her and I do get married and she moves with me to the U.S. that maybe one day we can buy a place of our own to visit when we come. She called it a resting house maybe she means retirement home. But I would like to think of it as a vacation home. Since I am coming to visit in a few weeks for the first time she is so excited and I am too. I am a little nervous because of all the state warnings about the Philippines. But thanks to your husband Bob and some others I am less nervous and am more excited about coming to meet her and her family.
I have already begun to learn Tagalog one of four of her languages. She speaks English and Tagalog of course and two other Vasayan dialects. I am a little nervous about her families expectations and hope they wont pressure her to ask me for money. I know they will never be disrespectful to me nor would they ask me but I don't want to put her in a bad predicament. I care for her and knowing her as I do know that she would never ask me nor would she tell me if they asked. Knowing as I already do that there will be culture differences between the two of us and adjustments that we both will need to make if we marry I am willing to face these challenges. My question to you is from not only a female perspective but Filipina one as well is how do I deal with her family especially her parents and siblings as regards to gifts and what will be expected of me if I later decide that I want to marry her? I have asked her and she adds nothing is expected of me but only love and respect. She says they will respect me and will only want her to be happy. As long as she is happy she says they will be happy. They are not interested in what I can give them only that I take care of their daughter by loving her and respecting her. Now, I figure that she will want to work and I do believe they might not be interested in my money but I guess they will expect her to provide for them when she comes here to the states to live with me if and when we get married. Please don't get me wrong, I am a generous guy. I have no problem at all us helping her immediate family (her mom and dad and her siblings) especially in certain circumstances. I help people all the time even in the states. I just don't want someone interested in me for what they can get out of me. I have already had that in relationships of my past and was milked for all I was worth. I am not wealthy but by standards there I would be considered wealthy. I want to always be respectful and show her family honor. I just don't know what is really expected of me from her parents perspective. I like to know as much as I can going into this as I possibly can. So if there is any suggestions even from your other readers please do not hesitate to message me. My email is [email protected]. Thanks for your time and consideration.
Hi Don – Its really hard to change the culture that was instill ever since childhood. We are taught to help later on, and are expected. Really thats what you see here in the Philippines. Your wife will change slowly though, especially how you guys were treated by her family. Just give her time
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences because really a lot of people have been through what you and your wife experience with frustrations with the family. At least some will also know the sign if they are already being con by the family upon reading your story.
Thank you for dropping by and good luck to you and your wife!
Hi Klaus Doring – Really I like your arrangement with Rose family. They are there living next to you but then they are so respectful of the privacy that you and Rose wanted. Also they are not expecting anything from you guys. I'm happy for you.
Feyma:
My family for the most part knows that my money tree was only a sapling. Ha-ha bad thing is it tried to grow between a rock and a hard place so it died at an early age…
I have let a couple people sample it. After that they thought I should always provide for them. My wife and immediate family know how things are in the west. We still get an occasional text or call for money (Even when the wife doesn't tell me what they want, I do understand most conversations in Cebuano and Tagalog)…
I had some relatives living in my house that were stealing from us. Caught them and kicked them out. About a year later we had a similar problem with other relatives and have since gotten ride of them as well. Here is the major dilemma in doing that.
The first set begged borrowed and stole there way to Manila and have been living off of Auntie since that time. Trying to ruin our family name and turn people against us. Ha-ha good thing is it worked out the other way. Now comes the second set of relatives. We give them the boot and they turn to another family member for support. Guess its a no win situation for us all.
Neak- Let me know when you get ready to trim your money tree. I am hoping that I can use a couple branches to start trees of my own.
Jeff- I would recommend checking out Bohol Island. Not to crowded, beautiful place to live. I have been here for a little over two years and would be glad to show you around a bit. I know a few people their that could assist you in finding rental property or purchasing land. The prices would be far less then the Cebu area and you are only 1 hour 45 min away from Cebu via fast craft. Ha-ha I won't even charge you a commission.
HI FEYMA,Just as expected this subject is a very important one and never ending.I sympathise with those who have problems with filipino family,but as i mentioned earlier,it is of major importance to establish some FIRM GROUND RULES if u wish to avoid a misery in your life. HI KLAUS,Nice to hear you have a peaceful life,im sure many with family problems envy you. HI DON,re your last sentence "Maybe filipino's should" in post#40.I was recently watching a docu about China.A question asked "why is China successful",the reply,"the people have a real desire to succeed and better their lives,there is a real CAN DO attitude here,they feel nothing is impossible". I feel its all about attitude. HI ALL, Living on hand outs is not a Phils phenomener,some people in the west are too lazy to work and get into the habit of living on hand outs from their respective welfare systems.I feel that its very important not to send to much and consider the costs of living in Phils.Example:If a filipino family is getting a reasonable living on say $200 a month,then you start sending them $500 a month(thats more than a doctor earns in Phils),they will think they won the lottery,and why work.Then word will spread to aunts,cousins etc,and you will be unindated with requests for money,as you have given them the impression you are very wealthy.Regarding requests for medical problems ( which is a very common request) buy them a Phil Health Policy,only costs $24 (£12) a year and covers the whole family.(Bob has mentioned this in a previous post).Regards Chas.
Hi Chas, yeah, you are right. But as you said: Firm Ground Rules. We established them already many years BEFORE we moved here. Problem: many Filipinas are afraid to start with this because they think it's too embarrassing for their in-laws…
Cheryll Ann…"STRANGLE HER"!!! the world will be a better place to live in without her existence.! I'll be happy to do it for you?! (don't take my words seriously,tho'…SHE'S A LOUSE!!!
Feyma dear,you sound like a really nice down to earth kind of person. Your are some kind of an 'agony AUNT' to some people. Your advices are uplifting and i for one could say that it comes from the heart, one could feel the sincerity and the genuinity of your words. I understand the arguments about fiipino families who like to enjoy the benefits and/or scrounge at other people's expense (rather disgusting and distasteful behavior)but i like to think they are the minorities (am sure not all will agree with me tho')There are loads of descent filipino famiies around(that includes mine and relatives)lMy parents are both retired.Occassionally,i send presents to momma, how little or small it may be, she appreciate it and like to show off to her friends and retired colleages.but the presents my parents enjoyed to have most are photograghs of us.(nothin can beat that..)Some relatives are updated with fotos as well.My parents are well aware and well informed that my husband works very hard for the money.The advantage here in Europe (and i suppose also in U.S.) the people without work,redundant,single parents,refugees,assylum seekers can get financial help or grants from the government.Even housing will be provided,health care is free,primary and secondary schools are free of fees(tho some schools do fundraising to boasts their budget)People with disabilities get financial help and support..The Phlippines doesn't offer these sort of benefits to its people.The availability of job is scarce and literally, life is hard for most people,preferably for those less educated individual,worst of all, if there are a few mouths to feed.(rather sad really)Sons and daughters abroad who remain loyal in helping out their familes in the philippines..' deserves praises to some extent'but somehow he/she should realise that there are other priorities in life which is -his/her future that he/she is building now is worth more than anything else. One way or another ,your people should understand that! Altho' you love them but you are not responsible for their existence nor they have to depend on you for as long as they are around.And if that would be the case, what life is left to you? It's time for your people to realise that you are not a pot gold! My advise for the foreigner husbands , don't let your extended family ruin your life or depress you.The most important thing is that you and your wife are happy and want to be together for always..or the rest of your lives. Best of luck to all! Warm regards from England!
Hi Mike – It's really an endless struggle here for family asking money. They want to talked bad about you to get sympathy from other relatives. Your wife relatives should know better. Really I hope it stop soon.
Good luck to you and your wife.
Hi CHAS – Yes this problem never ends here in the Philippines. Its been in the culture for a lot of years and its hard to get rid of. At least it open the eyes of others on how to deal with it seeing some of the comments here.
I really thank you all that made good comment and advice to others that has problems here.
Hi jean (pinay uk) – Thank you for the compliment. Yeah, their are some people that are in the good side and understand whats life in the west, but its really common thinking of the Pinoys that the west are abundant. Its typical. I think they believe on what they are seeing on TV. But I think the Filipino people really needs to be educated that not everything they sees on TV are true.
I think the people that went abroad should really set some ground rules and stick with it. I know in our culture we will help anyway we can, but it should stop and have limits sometimes. We should not let others use us. I heard this problems even before moving back here in the Philippines. I know a lot of ladies that works as OFW before. They really are the one thats hit by this families. I felt sorry for them, but they allowed the family to rule them. For some of them its really a close relatives of mine. I told them over and over to stop sending and stop being use but they won't. Its hard seeing them now that they are struggling to survived. They used to be earning lots of money before, but now they don't have anything.
Oh well, I'm just hoping that some of us will learn from the advice of others here. Lots of them really give good advice.
Good luck to you Jean. I'm glad your happy in the UK. Take care!
Feyma:
We have put a stop to financial support for the entire family. We are down to one relative that is employed by one of our businesses. The rest of them do not receive anything (My wife cut them off). Other then that we are looking for land on another island so we have a place to stay when we feel like being away…
In Australia, I must admit we are doing very well. We have everything we want. Great variety of fresh food, great health system, great education, loads of entertainment, fresh air, fresh water, reliable power, fun cars, housing is plentiful and we get to live a long time. But it all costs a lot of money.
On the other hand, to have these benefits and high standards of living, it does not come cheap, we have to work long and hard.
As I have said before it is expensive to live in the Philippines, costs are not in line with wages, it is tough here and not much opportunity. So people are always on the take, just spend some time in Manila, that will prove my point.
The average Pinoy really doesn't have a clue how the rest of the world lives because they do not travel enough or read enough or educated enough to know better. PS. Don't blame them for that.
I spent a couple of years talking to Philippinas on the net and it primed me for my future visits to the country. The Philippino lives for today and is generally not a planner. Once I got to the Philippines it did not take me long to work out how the system worked and how people think.
I am an Aussie and tight with my money, but still generous when it is deserved.
Here's some tips, especially for you KELVIN.
Rule N#1 Do not hand out money. Even to beggars, make them work for it. I tell them my Pinoy fiance is high maintenance.
Rule N#2 Do not offer financial assistence. When the question of money is raised, you ask them the question, how will they finance their project?
An uncle of my fiance needed money to finish building his house, i just told him he will need to sell a lot of pigs to finish his house. Simple.
Rule N#3 Do not trust the average phil blow with your credit card or bank accounts, you will be sorry, organise proffessional help with regular payments. Philippinos are very good spenders with other peoples money.
Rule N#4 Set some rules. Make it clear to the people around you that you are not a ATM. I tell everyone i am not a Banco.
Rule N#5 Reward the people who help you and compensate them for their effort and time. It pays big dividends in the end.
Rule N#6 Make sure your GF, Fiance, Wife gets a job. Or you may end up supporting her family LOL.
Rule N# 7 Gifts. Make it clear to the person when you buy them something, NOT to lend it to other people LOL
Rule N#8 Single mums. Support your own children that you have with your woman, tell her to find the father of the abandoned child so HE can support his own kid. Fat chance that will happen in 99.9% of cases, but worked for me.
Rule N#9 If you are still keen on ignoring rules 1-8. Then for heavens sake set a budget for yourself, or you will find that you will be holding out your hand like the beggars do and living like the badjow.
I am sure there are more rules, but it is the Philippines, its OKAY and thats what makes it such a beautiful country. Ingat ka palagi.
Hi CHAS and to everyone else!
I am a pinay working in the UAE and I agree with everything and everyone has said in here. Fortunately, when I was growing up. I didn't have the same mindset as most of the Filipinos have about OFWs. I kind of figured it out already that because they work in abroad and earn dollars, they sure are spending in dollars and not in pesos! By the way, this year I have learned the value of really planning for the future and of course of money. You mentioned that you taught your wife how to save and how to grow her money. Can you give me some tips on saving money and earning interest on it? Thank you very much. I'd really appreciate it. Can you send me on my email? [email protected]
Take care!
Keep up the good work Feyma!
Hi Julz – Thanks for writing and the comment.
Take care and God bless!