Live in the Philippines

Live in the Philippines helps expats with visas, moving and other services regarding the Philippines.

Becoming an expat is not always easy – EAM

Family, Podcasts / by

When you decide to move to another location in the world, everything is exciting.  Well, most everything.

Fact is, most people who decide to move to the Philippines have some problems to deal with in addition to having exciting times ahead.  One of the biggest issues that causes a problem is often family.

For most of us, it is a double edged sword.  That is because most, or at least many of those reading this have family in their home country, but also likely have family in the Philippines.  That is because many of us are married to ladies from the Philippines.  Because of that, when you decide to move to the Philippines you have your wife’s side of the family very excited – their daughter is coming home, after all.  On the other hand, the husband’s side of the family is often distraught over the fact that they are “losing” him to another land.  He is leaving, they won’t see him any more, at least not often.  It can truly be a tricky position to maneuver.

Feyma are in our 15th year of living in the Philippines and we are still dealing with this situation to some extent.  My family now consists only of a brother and my mother.  My Mom is in her 70’s now, and my brother is younger than I am, he is in his mid 40s.  It was kind of funny because when we left the USA there was friction with my mother, but everything seemed fine with my brother.  Now, years later, it is somewhat the opposite!  I talk about it in today’s episode of the Expat Answer Man Podcast.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. I’m different. My brother said “Wow what an adventure.” My mom and dad had passed but they would have said the same.

    I will probably see my brother, and sister, more because I go back to the States every 2, or 3, years. One lives in FL and the other in MI. Before coming here I lived in NV.

    So, Palawan Bob I’ll let you know if the States is still around. I am returning to the States in a few months.

    Rusty

  3. Hi Bob,
    The only family issue I will face is being so far from my son. But he is 30 now and a man of his own. We are close and I will miss him a lot. I also have a Goddaughter who I am very close with, she is like a daughter to me. But thanks to VOIP and being able to video chat that will ease things for all of us. My parents both passed in 2006. And I do have a brother and a sister and while I do have some contact with my brother it is limited. My brother and myself have not talked to my sister in over 3 years now. So family is not going to be a problem for us. Friends either they like it or not but will not deter us from our move. My close friend are very supportive and are like when ya get settled in we want to come visit. I will enjoy them coming here and experiencing the Philippines.

    Our house is finally done, fresh coat of paint and we had new windows and doors installed. Now just have to wrap up loose ends and it will be a go for the move.

    • Hi Scott – thanks for stopping by and commenting. I think that family issues are probably one of the more difficult things to work out in making this kind of move!

  4. Rusty,
    Here is an advice that I am sure you’ll ignore.
    Wait until past Bonifacio day to make your airline reservations.

  5. I had really good support. I took care of my Mom for more than 25 years.. progressively more so as time went on. She died in Oct of 2013 at age 93. But I had talked to her a lot about wanting to move here and she was all for it. My daughter spent 2 1/2 years in Africa in the Peace Corps and she also was all for it. My son.. well.. he just wants to visit…lol
    I got my ducks in a row following my Mom’s demise.. I had already been doing the research for quite some time.. this forum was a huge help. When I reached age 62 and was able to start to draw my SS I had everything in place. Bank accts, what I wanted to ship.. what I wanted to do once here and pretty much how I wanted to live. A lot has changed of those views since I got here, but I have not a single regret.

  6. Bob though I haven’t moved to the Philippines, I have never hid the plan and dream to move there, and that I want to do it when I am young enough to enjoy the life there. Some people think I am crazy some think it sounds exciting.

    Family is tough, I love my family and they love me. I personally have to sometimes examine myself that am I wanting to move for the right reason? Families can be dramatic, controlling, and sometimes not healthy. I remember when I was a child my parents moved away from our grand parents, and there was times when my Uncle moved away from my grandparents too. My grand mother was pretty head strong in running everyone’s lives, and they seemed at the time they needed space.

    Everyone returned to the same city when they got older, And all of them have benefited financially from my grand mother and grand father’s hard work building businesses, and real estate. A few weeks ago my grand father died, He was the most Influential person in my life to inspire myself to be a entrepreneur. He always been self-employed and had a 7th grade education. Seemed like the business minds skipped a generation in our family.

    Bob, having to think about caring for your parents, and or grand parents is a heavy subject. Do you think that maybe your bother after a few years resents you for leaving him to be the only person there with your mother? To deal with that alone.

    Tonight my parents is staying over at my 87 year old grand mother. She isn’t doing well now that her husband is gone. So my parents, uncle and aunt take turns staying over at her house at night. We have people sitting for her at her home during the day.

    My mom is legally blind, and it scares me a lot to know that and if something happened to my father who is 70, my mom would be totally dependent on me. LOL told her if dad leaves before her, she would have to move to the Philippines with me. She said “I can only be around you 2 hours at a time” I told her “likewise” then I let her know she would have a driver there, just like driving Mrs Daisy.

    Also Bob, I don’t have a close relationship with my Sister. She always want to make other people a project to fix. And I have to let my mom know. I just don’t want to talk about my sister when I visit my mom. Most of the time she is complaining, So possibly before your mom came around about you making to best decision for the move. He could have been the ear to hear about how bad this move was, for the first couple of years.

    In the end

    Sometimes Family isn’t Family and Friends isn’t Friends.
    My Favorite are Friends who are Family. I have some of those.

    • Hi James – Nice to hear from you. You hit the nail on the head in many ways.

      When I was a child, we moved on average about every 2 years, and lived all over the USA and even in other countries. We never lived near any of my grandparents, which is one reason why I was so surprised at my Mom’s reaction to us moving. It did not make much sense to me. I know that it made her sad, but it was not much different from what my parents did.

      With my brother it is a bit funny, because even though he lives within 30 minutes of my Mom, he never goes to visit her or anything. People are strnge at times….

  7. When my wife came to the USA, she had a little bit of a rude awaking about how some American families can be. I remember having to explain how sometimes this works. When I was in my 20’s and 30’s my mother would say or do something. We would have an altercation. And we wouldn’t talk for a period of time. The person who broke the silence would have to buy the “Make Up Dinner”. My wife was applaud that anyone would act like this, a son or mother. At one time my mother couldn’t be mad at my sister or myself at the same time. So I would answer the phone, what did she do this time?

    Now that I am in my 40’s I just don’t want to play the games any longer. I think most of my maturity comes from my wife. Who has shown me, in the last 8 years, how a loving family, and home should be nurtured.

    It doesn’t matter how the world has beat me down during the day, at work, working in a family business, what ever. When I come home I have a soft spot to land, with my wife and children. My wife says her heart is so happy when she sees me laugh and smile. I also see it in my children with her, they are really happy and a total joy.

    The lesson I have given to my wife. Is that people can’t give to you what they don’t have. If they don’t have peace in their life, they can not give you peace. She now just prays for such people.

  8. Great EAM BOB… I do have a question, who is the artist of the opening song on your EAMs? I would like to search his music out.
    Thanks

  10. Bob;
    I have one out of my four brothers who has always looked down his nose at how I’ve earned my money by sailing or living in faraway places around the world. One night at our parent’s house in the early 90’s he was at it again, when my father pointed out that he knew that Paul could not live the way my brother does but Paul has never criticized you.
    My brother (Not Dan) lost his job when his union took a hard line stance against his company over wages, so the company packed its bags and moved to New Jersey (A right to work state) The union folded, took the pension fund that he’d paid into for 26 years and disappeared into the sunset. Never to be seen again.
    Whereas I, a merchant seaman consistently earned over six figures a year but somehow he knew I was still wrong.
    Live your life to your standards, not someone elses.

    • Hi Paul – Thanks for sharing that, it was really interesting to me to read it. In so many ways, your experience mirrors mine with my brother. I do feel that somehow my brother thinks that I did something to him, or did something wrong by moving here. Truth is, I enjoy my life here, and feel that I have done well. I know I did the right thing for myself, my wife and kids by moving here, and that is what is most important to me. I would expect my brother to do the same for his family, and I would be happy with the success that he achieved. As it is, I have tried many times over the years to reconnect with my brother, but he rejects me each time, so I am finished with all of the trying. If he wants to reconnect, and I hope he does, he will need to make the first move, because I already told him that I was making my last attempt and would not bother him again after that, if rejected. What else can I do.

      I am particularly saddened by your brother’s reaction given that you joined the Navy, protected our country, and did very well in your service. It is something for him to be proud of you for, not something that should cause him to reject you!

      • Bob;
        I love him, no matter what but don’t give a damn how he feels. His son and daughter love their uncle Paul, the exciting guy that traveled the world and sent them unusual things, so I won! (lol)

        • Hi Paul – That is a nice way to think of things. I am not too close to my brother’s children, although I do communicate with them on FB to some extent. In some ways, I find it a bit embarrassing to communicate with them much, because with my brother’s attitude, I worry that he may have talked bad about me, although I don’t know why he would, or what he would say that is bad. While Aaron has been in the US, he has become close with his cousins, though, which I consider to be a good thing.

        • Paul we all are molded by our personal experiences. I have a uncle who was in the Navy for 17 years and left. I always thought it was wreckless to leave 3 years from retirment. But I have had others tell me he might have been pushed out I don’t know.

          So personally I never considered millitary service as a option. But now as I am older, I think I should have considered it more of a option.

          Thank You Paul for the service to our country and for protecting myself and my family.

  11. Until I started visiting this site, I never thought that moving to this country can be a real big emotional issue for some because of family. I thought of Americans as a very independent people. Of course, the Philippines is not the real issue. It’s moving too far away from family.

    I can only imagine how tough it can get during Thanksgiving. You guys have my sympathy.

    • Hi Norman – I think that your feelings are generally correct… Americans are generally more independent. But, there are always outliers. I think most of us have experienced issues with at least one family member who took issue with us moving.

  14. Hi Bob

    A sensitive topic indeed!

    I was lucky with my parents in that they kept an open mind and encouraged me to do what I thought was best for me.

    They had a bad experience with my grandparents. When my dad went to work in California for 14 months, there was a lot of guilt put on their shoulders by my grandparents and although my dad enjoyed himself my mum never really settled for the time they were there.

    I suppose with my parents having that experience they made sure I didn’t suffer the same. I will be eternally thankful to them for making my transition a lot easier.

    As someone else said earlier, I now speak to my parents more now than I ever did when we Skype regularly on a Sunday and in all honesty it’s just like being in the room with them. Also, I probably communicate with my brother and sister more now than I ever did when living in the UK.

    Cheers

    AJ UK

    • Hi AJ, nice to hear from you. You have been quiet for a bit.

      The situation you describe with your parents and your grandparents sounds like what I ecperienced with my family. As you said, because of the experience, we are very supportive of our children following whatever path they choose in life.

      • Hi Bob

        I’m just catching up on the last few weeks posts. We had a lovely holiday in USA and then I got sent on business to India almost as soon as I got back. Talk about coming back down to earth with a bump. Eating steaks one week the curries the next!

        I’m getting back into the rhythm of the posts again now.

        Cheers

        AJ UK