Live in the Philippines

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Close to Family?

Family / by

…Or Far, Far Away?

Here’s a recent comment regarding the claim I made a post or two back that living close to your wife’s family in the Philippines could be either a blessing or a curse (or, both, actually).

I haven’t retired to the Philippines yet, but plan to.
One question which was raised by the list of PROs and CONs of living in the Philippines was “Living close to Filipino Relatives”.
I’m sure everyone has an opinion, but can people explain to a virgin like me what they are?
Please keep in mind that I am single and will be moving to the Philippines and plan to meet, marry and have a family with a Filipina and I’m still looking for the Filipina via the internet.

Let me make a philosophical comment first.  This is my opinion only, you understand, and I don’t want to start a flame war over it … but:

Deciding to move to the Philippines and “find a Filipina and make babies with her” and such simply because she’s a Filipina strikes ma a little bit like going to the pet shop and buying a particular breed of dog, or, in the context I lived in back in Colorado for many years, like a bunch of old ranchers sitting around the coffee table in a diner in the morning, arguing endlessly about the attributes and deficiencies of various cattle breeds.

It’s totally up to you, of course, but deciding in advance that your goal in life is to meet and marry ”a Filipina” kind of strikes me as very self limiting, discriminatory and racist.

Are telling me that if you met a Korean girl who “clicked” with you and struck you as being worthy of a life partnership, you’d tell her “no deal” because she was Korean?  Or a Chinese lady, Or a Brit or an Aussie?  How about a lady from Arizona or California or Maine?  Basing your future happiness on the nationality of the woman you marry just strikes me as a bit unrealistic.

Filipinos are people, just like you and I.  There are some who are beautiful.  There are some which are as “fugly” as the south end of a northbound cow.

There are some I would trust with my life, there are others whom I wouldn’t trust with a spare cigarette.

But none of those judgments rest  upon the fact of them being Filipinas.  It’s a judgment based upon their personality and their personal ethics and moral code.

Basing life decisions upon the BS statements you’ll hear so often, (especially on line where everyone is an expert and so many people are even afraid to use their real name) is short-sighted at the very least.  “Filipinas are like this”, or “all Filipinas are that.” are so bogus they hardly bear thinking about.

There are now nearly 100,000,000 Filipinos.  Slightly over 50 percent are female.  So when you hear one of these “Filipinas are … whatever” sort of pronouncements, ask yourself if you really think the guy making those claims actually thinks he knows the mind and character of 50 million or so women.

I sure don’t and I live here full time, have for years.  And I was born male and I still am.  Any time I think I understand women for even a few seconds .. well, at the most, the few seconds is all I really do understand.  Women are a mystery to me, as they are to most men who are honest enough to admit the true depths and limitations of their knowledge.

Makes no difference where the woman was born, where she was raised, etc.  Those who think they know … well, typically, they don’t even know how much they don’t know.  Again, IMO only, of course.

Don’t move halfway round the world and shape you whole life on idle claims and bar talk … that’s my advice.

Secondly, a friendly warning.  Searching for a wife “on the Internet” is fraught with danger.  Especially these popular pen pal, meet your mate type sites.  You’d be surprised how many “girls” there are not even girls, actually.  And how many earn a living (in Filipino terms a darn good living) by “working the Internet … 5 or 6 boyfriends at a time is not even exceptional, some can juggle more … always sinking the hook and then reeling in the dollars.  again and again and again.

You may be lucky.  Many have been.  But searching for a wife .. as opposed to being social and perhaps meeting girls you may later court and get to know?  Wrong headed thinking, IMO.  You may be interested in this article for some clear-headed thinking … Reality Check — You’ve Been Warned

Now on to where to live, your main question:

Like it or not, when you marry a girl you also marry a family.  There really is no escaping this, even in Western culture.  In the Philippines this is even more true.

Family, including extended family, is often very much more important here than back in the USA.

And when you marry a daughter (as most men hope to, LoL) the ties are even stronger yet again.  In Philippine culture daughters are often raised to be very respectful to their fathers and to essentially always do what daddy says.  Also, although the normal Philippine culture displays a sort of “kabuki play” about how the male is always the dominant one, in reality the majority of Philippine households are really run (perhaps from behind the scenes) by the mother.  This may sound strange to an American, but if you think I’m wrong consider the fact that the Philippines has had two freely elected female presidents so far?

The average Western male (and this certainly includes me) is NOT nearly as smart as he thinks he is on who controls what in a Philippine family.

Your girl friend may say, “Oh darling, no problem, when we marry I am going to be 100% for YOU.  I won’t let myself be controlled by my mom or dad or all my brothers or …”

And you know what?  She may truly, in her heart believe it.

But after the marriage, most Philippine wives are going to spend the rest of their lives in a balancing act between the needs and even the urgings of their family and their desire to be true to their new husband.  If you grew up in the USA there is little chance you really can grasp this until you have lived it for some time here in the Philippines.

So living close to your wife’s family can be great for her (and even you) in the sense of friendship, fellowship and even a lot of help on all sorts of issues surrounding getting established and settled in to the Philippines.  There’s no doubt about that.

But living close can also wear a guy out with drama, arguments (which really have nothing to do with you, but which you will get dragged into, anyway), and with outright pleas for support.

Sometimes the ‘requests for help” may be greed driven, but often this is not the case at all.  In my case my wife’s family has been great with me, I have hardly ever been asked for anything, money-wise.

But when someone gets sick, or injured in an accident, or can’t pay their electric bill, or has an empty refrigerator three days before payday and little  nieces and nephews going to bed at night crying with hunger … are you hard enough NOT to offer help?  Or will your wife be able to resist not cooking two or three times as much for the evening meal and sending half of it over to the home place to feed the little ones?

Will you let your 80-something year-old mother-in-law sit in the dark with no fan or lights, or will you decide, on your own, to go pay their electric bill?

These are some of the thoughts to spend some time thinking on, seriously, before you decide where you and your new bride will live.

There are no definitive “right” or “wrong’ answers … but there will be some tough questions, I can assure you of that.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. When I first arrived in the Philippines I chose to reside in the same province as my wife’s family. It was a big mistake, the more I helped her family, the more dependant they became on me. My poor wife was powerless to do anything about it. We now live many, many, many, miles away from her family and ignore the repetitive texts pleading for money. They told us so many outrageous lies as to why they needed money, when in fact all they were doing was drinking it. I know it is not the case in all relationships, but my wife’s family just became a pack of parasites.

    • That’s the Filipino way. Relatives always rely to those who have jobs. Rapasite, They Just want to suck and suck and don’t give back. I’m a Filipina and I know my culture..

  2. Whatever you do, don’t ever, I mean ever live with your outlaws like I did for over 7 years. I got sick to death with their lazy good for nothing attitude, ungrateful &@$/. I paid and I paid for everything, while they sat and on their skinny asses making a mockery out of the ATM foreigner.
    I did it to keep my wife happy because she really is a true gem of a woman and I would do anything for her.
    I finally had enough of my wife’s family, well 8 of 11 of them. The other three I still support. I told them in no uncertain terms what I thought of them, I lived 45 years without them, I can live another 45 years without them.
    My advice is take it or leave it, tell them to get a job and do nothing for them. They lived this long without your help, they can still live without your help.

  3. I am currently in a relationship not engaged or married taking it one step at a time. She is incredible and has never asked for anything…even when grandmother was in hospital needing medication. It’s always wise to examine the integrity of any person I have ran into many people more crooked here in the United here in the United States. I will b I will be visiting Davao in November.the family I have encountered are wonderful. This message may be helpful….I never intended to get involved in an overseas relationship….. But the heart of her. the family and culture i am looking forward to embrace

  4. Dave;
    When I was an older bachelor sailing around as a Merchant Seaman, I never had the intention of marrying again after the Great Experiment in the sixties failed. I was done with married life. Because of my time in the Navy I was drawn towards Asian Woman, and had no use for American women. But remember still having no desire to marry anyone.
    While flying to a ship in the Parisian Gulf (Or whatever they are calling it today) I stopped for a few days once more in the Philippines to visit an old Shipmate. While there a lady walked by while we were sitting having a cocktail on his patio, and entered his house. I asked; “Who is that” and he told me that she was his sister-in-law visiting his wife.
    The anti-marriage guy was married to that lady within the following year. And these 20 plus years later, I can say that I’m glad that fate stepped in and smacked me upside my head.
    Back to your article, you are 100% correct in your advice to that man and I must agree with all you wrote, for in the affairs of the heart you can’t stick a push pin in a map, and say; “Yup, I’m going there and find me a woman!”
    Second Part
    I live within walking distance of Mayang’s family and have no problem with that, albeit did take a few years to reach this happy medium. In the past, I have lent (GIVEN) money to every member of the family for every reason you could think of. But I had a plan. Since I was never paid back, the second request I said, Sure, I’ll give what you need as soon as the first loan is repaid. I will help in cases of medical, and education but I will go and pay that bill for them to the school or hospital.

  5. My experience with my in-laws has been different from most.

    We used to live in the same City where the in-laws live. It was OK, but did become a bit of a burden.

    Feyma and I have been married for 23+ years now, and in all of that time, there have been only a few times when anybody in the family has asked for money. The times when money has been asked, there has been a legitimate reason for the request, and I can only recall one time when I said no. At other times, I felt that the request was reasonable, and warranted. Over the years, there have been plenty of times when we have sent money that was not asked for, because we knew that it was needed. I had no problem with that, and did so voluntarily.

    Truth is, there have been many cases when I, or we, needed help, and Feyma’s family has always been there to help us. Not in a financial way, but other ways. For instance, I had a stroke in 2001 and was hospitalized for an extended period, followed by months of home rehabilitation. Feyma’s sisters were there every step of the way to help Feyma through my health crisis. They were there to help me in whatever way they could as well.

    There are many times when we have some work that needs to be done around the house, and if we just text or call my brother-in-law, he is on the next bus to Davao (about a 3-4 hour trip) to take care of what we need to have done. We pay him for his work, but to be honest he has never even asked for that.

    When I say that living in the same city became a bit of a burden, it was not about money, it really came down more to privacy for me. We had a lot of family members who hung out at our house daily, and for me this was burdensome. I wanted my privacy. That was when we were still fresh off the plane from the States, and I was not used to the Filipino “togetherness” at that time. I am much more used to it now, and probably would not have that problem anymore.

    Overall, extended family has been a good thing in my case. Sure, there have been a few issues along the way, but that would be the case in any in-law relationship, no matter where in the world your wife was from. Overall, I am happy to have the in-laws that I do, and consider them to be not only family, but friends.

  6. My wife’s family live in CdO and we live in Tagum City. It is her family that has helped us when we ran out of money one time. I have helped when I was able and happy to do it. It is a two way street!

  8. I will be visiting the Philippines, my future wife, and of course her family for the 7th time in 2 years this Sept. For me, as well as for my future wife, it was important for us, not only to know each other well before marriage, but also to have a firm understanding of each others cultures.

    Culturally, we are completely different, and she continuously reminds me “it’s the Filipino way” Financially, I thought I truly understood poverty (been a Social Worker for 20+ years) until visiting the Philippines.

    My future wife and her family have lived for generations in the squatter area of Lapasan in CDO and I will say that in 2 years I have never been asked for anything. Now, that being said, perhaps there is not a need for them to ask me for anything…. When the latest typhoon blew half there little scrap wood house down, was I going to let the family sleep outside ? of course not. I paid to have what blew down replaced with hollow block. when I discovered washing clothes by hand was the norm because no one in the family could ever afford a washer, I bought them a washer, (they still don’t use the rise cycle because they want to save on electricity, hahaha).

    When my future brother in law needed to take a tricycle job in order to feed his family, I request him as my only transport from my future wife and her families home to the Lapasan Highway. It’s a ride that cost 20 peso, I give him 1000 peso, etc, etc, you get the point…

    True is, my future Filipino family is to proud to ask for anything, and I refuse to let them needlessly suffer.

    A side note, I was last in the Philippines in July and I took my future mother in law, my girl friends niece and 2 nephews out to diner and to see a movie at the theater. None of them had ever had that experience before…. Made me feel good to see joy in there faces and on that day, seemingly they were the most grateful people on earth.

    I am very blessed to be part of a very proud and honest family and my future wife says she is blessed because I don’t treat her and her family as less than and am of good moral character, haha, it’s pretty important in the traditional Filipino family…

  9. When you marry here, it’s a little like “marrying the whole family”. Many of you have heard this before. For those of you who aren’t married or have spent little time here, it’s something to put in the back of your mind as you go about your daily living.

    I think the most joy I have had here is doing things for the family, whether it’s been helping them out financially, or just giving advice when asked for or needed.

    Before I arrived here, the family helped each other often. It’s just how it is.
    My wife’s sister helped her get her education when she could not afford it. It’s just natural for my wife to help out another family member in need.

    I may be lucky, but I have never felt taken advantage of. In fact I feel very lucky to have spent time living in another culture other than the one I was raised in.

    As my wife and I head to the states next month, I hope she enjoys my culture as much as I have enjoyed learning hers.

  10. Good breakdown of the subject Dave. It took me a while, but I finally figured out that any man who claims he understands women is lying, to himself and everyone else.

    My observations concur with yours that many (most?) households are run, openly or not, by the ranking woman of the family. It is my understanding (and please correct me if I’m wrong!) that prior to colonization, the Philipinnes was largely matriarchal. And that still exists as an undercurrent in the somewhat Spanish style that exists today. It was certainly true in my Mother-in-Law’s household.

    Take care,
    Pete

  11. Meet a girl here do not marry her right away tell her you are looking for a life partener so you get to know her & her family before you marry her take a few years see how things go.

  12. This is a great post!!! Full of truths about life with a Filipina. So many things that I have read and know to be true, even though I’m still not yet there in the country. Thanks for the read!

  14. Dave,
    My wife Anne was raised to not be Dependent on Anyone or Anything. They did a wonderful job in preparing her for all facets of life. Her father was a career military man spending several years at Clark and her mother was a nurse. Unfortunately they both passed away years ago and i never got to meet them. She was also an only child too. She has a few uncles/cousins, but no other family to speak of. She helps her cousins financially from time to time when necessary. She is very smart and intelligent and knows how to be independent.

  15. The main reason why your Pinay wife wanted to retire to the Philippines is so that she can live close to her parents and relatives, is it not? You would be doing your wife a great disservice if you take her away from her relatives. In my opinion, it is not necessary to live far away from your wife’s relatives to avoid being hounded by them for money. In fact, you can probably live in the same barrio and maintain a close relationship with them wilthout money being a part of the equation. The expat just has to learn to be firm. He has to lay down the ground rules from the start as far as money is concerned. Filipinos for the most part are reasonable people. They will understand and respect your limitations as long as you explain it to them. As an expat and a white one at that living in remote areas of the Philippines, your wife’s relatives are your best friends and protector. You will never know when you are going to need their help. When that time comes, you will be glad you didn’t live far away from them.

    • When you say “The main reason why your Pinay wife wanted to retire to the Philippines…” I think that is a bit of a misstatement. I know that in my case, my wife did NOT want to return to the Philippines. It took me 3 or 4 years to convince her to move back to the Philippines. Many other expats that I have talked to tell the same story. The foreign man wanted to move to the Philippines and had to convince the wife that it would be a good life to live here.

      • The first sentence is not the main point anyway, so it’s irrelevant to the main thrust of the comment. The message I am trying to put across is that living close to your wife’s family is not necessarily a bad idea.

    • Yes, John, what Bob said and more. My wife went to the USA,, worked hard at getting her citizenship in minimal time, took a job right away and worked hard at that, and would be perfectly happy if we were still living in the USA.

      I brought her back to the Philippines, certainly she didn’t bring me back here. You have to be careful of those blatant generalizations.

      • Sorry, Dave, I don’t agree that the first sentence in my previous comment above is “blatant generalization”. It is addressed to expats whose Pinay wives were the ones primarily responsible for the move to the Philippines. Who is to say that this is not true? If it doesn’t apply to you, then don’t worry about it. I don’t understand why the emphasis on that first sentence, when that is not even the main point of my comment, The main point of the comment was, it is not necessarily a bad idea to live close to the wife’s family. No more no less. However, what I do find an example of “blatant generalization” is the following statement in your article:

        “It’s totally up to you, of course, but deciding in advance that your goal in life is to meet and marry ”a Filipina” kind of strikes me as very self limiting, discriminatory and racist.”

  16. I have read many articles, comments, etc. similar to the one quoted at the beginning of this article. One thought that has crossed my mind many times, for someone who expresses the desire to go to or move to The Philippines for the sole purpose or primary purpose of finding a Filipina to marry and have a family, you may not have to go that far.

    With what seems to be thousands of Filipina OFW’s in many places in the world why not take a look in your own country first ? A beautiful Filipina will always be a beautiful Filipina no matter where in the world you meet her. In the case of an OFW in the USA look at what I would consider to be some of the advantages, she is already here, no need for a possible long drawn out imigration process, as an OFW she would already have a green card and what ever other credentials are required to be employed and perfectly legal. You would be at a good distance from the bulk of the relatives giving you the option later, to move closer if the both of you desire. If you marry and unfortunate circumstances evolve where it just doesn’t work for both of you, if you marry in the USA, you can get a divorce. From what I understand there is no ” divorce ” in The Philippines, at least not at this time. To me, these and many other possibilities could be an advantage, depending on precisely what you are looking for.

    • This is not my argument, but only passing along what I have heard from many others. A lot of men don’t want a Filipina wife who has already been living in the States because they say that she will already be “Americanized.” For me, that is bogus, but that is the thinking of many.

        • Thanks for calling a spade a spade, Tom. Indeed, (sadly) a LOT of foreigner men are attracted to the Philippines due to some misguided idea that “we”, as foreigners are somehow “better” than the “locals” and that “we” are superior. Sad but all so true.

          My wife (who was 36 at the time we married) taught me something very early on in our relationship. She and I were having a minor argument about some money issue or another and I made a comment indicating something like, “Hey I am the one who makes more money, therefore what I say goes.”

          She got really pissed, looked me in the eye and said

          “Listen, you may think I am poor and lowly because I don’t make as much money as you, but let me tell you something. I grew up, went to school, and have worked very year and supported myself since I left college.. Got along without you for 36 years, and if you think you are somehow better than me because you make more money, rest assured I can get along without you just fine for the next 36 years.”

          “Oops”. never made that mistake again 😉 (this was long before she had ever even set foot in America by the way, you can’t blame this on her becoming “Americanized”.)

          This idea that ‘we’ are somehow the “only hope” of Filipinos in generally is really, really bogus.and mostly racially derogatory. I dislike it a lot.

  17. Hi Dave,

    Part One:

    I want to congratulate you on your well worded response. It renewed my faith after that horrible and totally uncalled for “Girly Bar” article! I know that there are a lot more mature thinking and fair minded people visiting this website but the very few who are narrow minded and bigots always seem to have the loudest voice. Thank you again for being a breath of fresh air in your comments.

    Part Two:

    I come from a somewhat large family and being the “baby” of the family, my mother has always been somewhat protective of me. Since my father long passed away, it was up to my mother to run the family. Now, she has a very forceful personality and makes herself known (guess where I get my voice? ;-). When I first married my husband, she tried from the very first to let him know who was “boss.” My husband at first gave her enough rope to hang herself (his words) and then he had (again his words) a “coming to Jesus meeting” with her. For sometime after my mother was very upset especially since I sided with my husband. But my husband worked very quietly to win her over on his terms and the results is, today, they are the best of friends. He, affectionately, calls her “Boss” and he thinks the world of her and she him. It took time but neither my husband or myself had to compromise our marriage.

    No one in my family has ever asked directly for help or money. My husband is in some ways like Paul Thompson (That”s a compliment Paul, really!) and we always confide in each other. So when there have been times that members of the family were in real trouble or needed help, we decide how and how much and then gave the help. We never ask in return but especially my two brothers have always been there to help my husband in any way they can. My husband is best pals with both of them. There was a couple of times when my husband was sick and my family gave help in small ways but it showed how much they cared. My mother is now very old and we had her move closer to us. I have members of my family that are OFWs and they plus us give agreed upon monthly money to support my mother. It is not a lot on our part but it was my husband’s idea and he is very happy with it.

    In the end, it is first about the people in the marriage and how well they know each other and how effective is their communication in the marriage. Both parties have to be totally honest with each other. Second, it is essential that the husband and the wife agreed that they come first to each other no matter what. If not , the marriage does not work. Third, there must be an agreement where the spouses families fit in to their marriage. If there is no agreement that is fair to both parties there will be trouble.

    Finding a spouse over the Internet is a recipe for failure in most cases. Marriage is hard enough but to think there is some magic of finding a wife in the Philippines over the Internet is just plain foolish.

    As you said, Dave, women here are no different than any where in the world. There is no magic solution in a marriage but experience, hard work and effective communication.

    Again, thanks for a wonderful post. You made my weekend.

    Stay Safe and Blessed,

    Jocelyn

    • Jocelyn,

      You are dead wrong, respectfully.

      All Filipinas are not like all other women, Dave never said that. He said no matter where a woman was born, you, as a man, don’t know anything about their thinking.

      Filipinas are both independent and very dependent, depends on the lady. They will, many times, adjust to what they think their spouse or partner wants.

      I have seen many cases of cheating on her spouse here among my wife’s Filipina friends. Not sexually, but buying items they will not ask their spouse if they may purchase. – dependence – They have my wife purchase an item, delivered to our home, paid my my wife’s credit card, reimbursed by the lady. This is wrong, something is wrong in that marriage. This has happened with more than four ladies. I asked my wife why they do this, she replied, they are affraid to ask their spouse if they may purchase the item.

      As far as helping her family, I told her, we will support your mother, her sister and two brothers and their spouses, all university trained, can support themselves. Of course we have assisted the siblings and their children. We paid the fees for the two brothers and one sister-in-law to become OFW. Maybe 5,000.00 USD, this was to be repaid to her mother. I have no idea if it ever was, and I don’t care. We paid off the house Nancy, my wife, purchased when she was OFW prior to our meeting.

      Her mother is going to retire from her job at a sugar cane mill next year. She was buying new items to furnish her retirement home, mentioned above. We asked her to buy quality items which would last. She did and had most of them in company housing provided by the mill. Unfortunately, that house burned to the ground, this past January 1st, nothing was saved. I might add none of my family or friends donated a cent to help her mom, our Filipina friends donated several hundred dollars.

      Nancy pays all the bills for our upkeep and manages all the credit cards and insurance and bank accounts. Fortunately our house is paid for. If she wants to send funds to a family member, that is her decision.

      Before I got sidetracked, I stated Filipinas were different from any other nationality I have met. For instance, I have seven or so female members on my side of the family. Not one was pregnant when they married, so far all of my Filipino family ladies were pregnant at the time of their marriages. Fortunately, their spouse was responsible enough to stay with their, now, spouse.

      Enough said, forgive me if I am wrong. That is just how I see things.

      C. T. Dunn

      • Respectfully, That sounds like dysfunctional marriages. Nothing more and nothing less It happens all over the world.

        My husband told me to tell you that he saw the same thing with his business friend’s wives hiding purchases etc. He said it is a way of life in the USA.

        My husband worked in England, France and Italy and he saw the very same thing

        I never said the Filipino women were angels; I just said they are not any different than other women.

        BTW, your marriage is what YOU make it…not others.

        Of course all MHO….

        Enough said. …Respectfully!

        Jocelyn

    • Jocelyn<

      Thanks for your comment and the kind words indeed, but I have to admit I am totally confused here. What do you mean by

      “after that horrible and totally uncalled for “Girly Bar” article!”

      I wrote a disappointing “Girly bar” article? I think not. Can you clarify this for me, please?

  19. Jocelyn,
    I have to respectfully disagree that finding someone on the internet in most cases will turn out a failure and they are foolish for trying it. The success rate is better than when meeting someone the traditional way.

  20. Good article Dave, very thought provoking.
    Naïve thinking on the writers part, that one could go online to find a particular flavor of woman, marry, have babies, and live happily ever after, that’s not how life works.
    As mentioned previously, I too had decided that I would never get married again. I think for some people it works and for some it does not, and I thought that I was in the latter category.
    However that changed when I met this beautiful woman at work that was a long way from home and essentially all by herself, in a bad situation. Yet, with all the turmoil in her life she still always had a smile on her face and a wonderful attitude. Well the rest is history as they say and now 4 years later we are still together and planning to get married. If she were Korean, Japanese, Indonesian or even from Indiana I think the end result would be the same. But she is a woman that happens to be from the Philippines.
    I read a lot on this forum about the U.S. dollar and the family and I have to say until now my experience has been different than a lot of what I read here. My GF handles all things financial with her family and we have never had any problems. She earns her own money, contributes to the household, is buying her own car, and when she wants to help her family she does. We always discuss these issues, and if she comes up short we re-arrange things so it works. So far there has never been a situation where I was opposed to her helping her family. As a matter of fact if she didn’t want to help her family I would probably feel different about her.
    When we visit and go to the province to stay with her Lola in the province I like to buy her a large gift, something for the house, something that hopefully will make her life a little better. Much as she has done for me by raising such a wonderful woman.
    I guess what I’m really saying is, open and honest dialogue is necessary for any relationship to be successful, and that’s what we have.

    • Fully agree Steve, I’m not advocating living close or not living close, just advocating people think things through a little more seriously than the typical “knee jerk’ opinions some espouse.

  21. “But living close can also wear a guy out with drama, arguments (which really have nothing to do with you, but which you will get dragged into, anyway), and with outright pleas for support.”

    I see this point made often, but family drama isn’t unique to the Philippines. I have a parasite relative who has bled me dry financially and emotionally. Turn on any daytime talk show here in the US and it is nonstop family drama.

    I think the greater point is that when getting to know someone who you may want to marry, be sure to also get to know the family and ask questions about them. Too many people skip the second part. People who go into any relationship, business or personal, without due diligence is apt to experience more problems.

  22. hey steve,living in the ph myself.i just dont get how you got bled dry,how and why did you let this happen?I hear this from many expats,they bitch and whine to me about it and say never again.Can you explain your situation?

    • I was referring to a close family member, not a Filipina, and “bled dry” was a metaphor. I’m not an expat. I was just saying that family drama isn’t unique to marrying a Filipina.

  23. Scott….If a person gets “bled dry”, it’s his own damn fault. There’s always warning signs in a new relationship, and if the guy is so damn blind he can’t see it, then he has no one to blame but himself. It doesn’t matter who or where the relationship is. And also…..many women are taken to the cleaners by the men (expats) here. Some guys just like to bitch and moan about everything…..when you get here you will meet them, and after a while you will know who to avoid. There’s a lot of nice folks here. You will make some good friends, and develop a circle of guys you like. Just my 2 cents 😀

    • You misread what I wrote. I wasn’t talking about a relationship with a Filipina or her family. I think people saw “bled dry” and jumped to conclusions because I didn’t “bitch” or “moan” at all. Let me break it down to my 2 points:
      1. family drama isn’t unique to the Philippines
      2. get to know the family before marrying

  24. I met my wife after corresponding with her in pre-Internet days. I am quite happy to have chosen to have been “self limiting, discriminatory and racist” in seeking a mate from the Philippines, as I am sure thousands of other Westerners are also.

  25. living in iloilo where ther are not many expats,can count them on my hand and feet.I would say 15 out of the 20 i know all whine how they got ripped off,some even were sending large amounts of usa dollars a month to ph to suport parents while he and wife were living in usa.Then when they moved to the ph the familly members held out their hands so i am told,everyone from uncles,grandparents……

    I think alot of this handing out money depends on your financial upbringing,for me growing up in the midwest my dad made $60.00 a week in the 1960s and couldnt afford to get us kids anthing that wasnt deemed essential.I never had good tennis shoes like all the rich kids or new bike.I had to get a paper route at age of 10 and worked my butt of delivering papers everyday rain or shine sleet and snow and then had to collect the money and was then able to buy my own kool tennis shoes.This has carried on into my adulthood,i am kariput,i dont buy my gf unnecessary things but i spend money on important stuff like fixing her teeth cavities and pulling a tooth.

    I have yet to whine about giving out money because i havnt been approached by her parents or 8 siblings yet.I have said no to other relationships and when we first met i pretty much set a precedent on what i am capable of spending,in other words i dont spend to impress.I think being my gf works steady for the past 5 years she may help her parents if they ask or maybe all the kids help but i and the gf do not discuss this.Meeting her parents whom both work and staying with them for 3 days i didnt see any need,they are looking pretty good for now.

    While working in the usa i got into a fight because some guy i loaned $5.00 to didnt pay me back,in fact he told me to not worry about it and i will get it when he has extra money,but then come lunch time he is eating a huge takeout from a hamburger joint.Did i need the money,no,its the principle and if you guys are like me and had to bust your ass throughout life to get to where you are now you will understand that being cheap and turning my back on people whom ask for money is an easy thing for me to do.

    • Hey Scott – you’re the man. Expats just need to lay down the ground rules involving money and your wives’ family. It must be laid down fast and early to avoid misunderstandings in the future. You also must be firm, but fair when certain emergencies do arise. Then you can offer to help but only then. As I have said in a previous post, Filipinos are for the most part reasonable people. They will understand and respect your limitations involving finances as long as you explain your position to them at the very first sign of begging. It is possible to live close to your wives’ relatives without being hounded for money. Living in close proximity to your wives’ family, in fact, has its advantages. For instance, you will never know when you are going to need your wives’ family’s help should you decide someday to move your “bahay-kubo” to the other side of the barrio. You think you can move your bahay kubo by yourself? Take a look. LOL

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1B4W_v6G8j0

  26. Dave,

    A well written article and in my opinion accurate too. You are 100% correct that marrying a Filipina is the answer to all my relationship problems. There may be some cultural similarities, but they are all human and there for different from each other. I do not have any regrets about marrying my wife but I would not even think of living near my in-laws. Are they bad people? No. Do I dislike them? No. It comes down to cultural beliefs that as you say are firmly in grained that at often times do not align with the US culture. This is not to say I don’t believe in helping because we have in my opinion done plenty. We have tried help them to learn to help them selves. Thus allowing them the dignity of being in a place where they could take care of their own needs. This has come with plenty of late night talks between my wife and I, some heart ache, and family disagreements. The best thing that has happened is my wife and I are on the same page and have always made decisions together. This has strengthened our marriage and at the same time helped some siblings grow up. Once again great, well written article.

  27. Opps. What I meant to say is that marrying a Filipina is NOT the answer to all my relationship problems. I guess I should proof read before launching.

  28. I am a westerner, with Asiatic background. I married a Filipina woman. She and I are of the same age. We both are middle class professional. My asiatic background and upbringing teaches me the value of family. I understand that. But also as a Christian, I believe, the two shall leave their parents, and become one flesh. i also believe, one should honour their parents.

    I allow my wife to work and earn, and send a % of her salary to her aging parents. I have my own aging parents to support. So I cannot take responsibility for her numerous nieces, nephews, relatives.

    It is about taking the middle ground and setting ground rules. Occasional help/loan is fine, but I expect them to help my family too in times of need. At the end of the day, I also am selective with her relatives, the ones that are warm and make me feel included, will find me the same. Those who treat me cold or use ‘shy” as an excuse will find me the same.

    My priority is my wife and 2 kids, and a small % I send to support my aging parents. I allow her to put that as the focus. That way we honor both family and God and keep the balance.

    There is no need to go extreme in any direction.

    • Hi Jay, Thanks for trying to clear that up,

      @ Jocelyn, any chance of you shedding some light on this, please? It’s not so much a personal issue with me, but a very similar incident happened to me some years ago.

      Someone posted on a fairly well circulated blog that I was responsible for running a rather despicable “Meet a Filipina” type site, (which I never even visited, and have never had any connection with), and for years I got hate mail from members of the Philippine blogging community because “they read on the Internet” that I ran this half-porn/half-exploitation blog.

      Fair is fair, ma’am..