I got an e-mail the other day from a regular reader of this blog and he asked me to write about how to effectively communicate with Filipinos. He was particularly interested in how to get his ideas across without hurting the feelings of Filipinos, especially the feelings of his in-laws. I would tend to agree that this is an issue that any foreigner needs to study a bit if he wants to have good relations here.
The thing is that most Filipinos have somewhat of a delicate way about them, and if you say the wrong thing, it is indeed easy to hurt their feelings. In my experience, when you hurt the feelings of a Filipino, it can take a long time to “make up” and get your relationship back on track again too. This is just a cultural difference between western societies and Philippine society, I guess.
In 1901, U.S. President Teddy Roosevelt first uttered a statement that later became famous – “Speak softly, but carry a big stick.” This came to be known as “Big Stick Diplomacy.” The meaning was that the USA didn’t need to get all mad and say bad things, but rather just remain calm, but always have a lot of force behind what it said. By Roosevelt’s theory, the USA could usually get it’s way by just having the threat of military intervention, without actually having to fight. Well, Roosevelt’s statement has some application for a foreigner in the Philippines, but only part of it. “Speak softly” – forget about the big stick part! That won’t help you, it will likely cause hard feelings between you and your Filipino friends.
When talking with your in-laws or other Filipinos, remember first that English is a second language for Filipinos, and they speak and understand the language a little differently than we do. Heck, British and Americans don’t have exactly the same understanding of the same words as each other, and we each speak English as our first language (or should I say our only language?). George Bernard Shaw once said that “British and Americans are separated by a common language,” and that statement goes even stronger when talking about Filipinos and Americans or other English speakers. Because there can be different understandings of the same statement, try talking a little slower, and pronounce your words as clearly as possible. This will lead to better understanding by your in-laws or other Filipino friends.
Another thing that I have learned from experience is that disagreements are a lot different here than in the West. For example, for an American, if we are talking to somebody and disagree, we will be very direct and state our opinions. Sure, it hurts the feelings of the other guy, and he may say things to hurt our feelings, but once we get it all out, in 5 or 10 minutes we might sit down and have a beer. It doesn’t work that way here. If you have a disagreement with a Filipino and his/her feelings are hurt, it may be months or even years before he even talks to you again! I have known Filipinos who told me that they were mad at a guy and have been for years. I ask them, “what happened that made you so angry?” The answer – “I can’t remember.” For Americans, this would rarely happen, because once the words are out and both sides understand each other, we forget about it and go on with life. Because of this, if you sense that you and your Filipino friend disagree, it’s best to just change the topic of conversation to something else before it gets out of hand.
Remember this – no matter what I say on this post or any other post on this blog, not every Filipino is the same. Just like Americans, Brits, Aussies or whoever, every person is an individual. I don’t want it to sound like I mean “every Filipino” when I talk about something general like this. Keep that in mind.
Also, remember… speak softly, and leave the stick at home!
Hurt feelings can not only last months, years or decades, they can spread out to extended family members to a point to where one can find himself the target of dislike by a very large number of people for a very long period of time. In some unfortunate instances (such as politics), "target" is an operative word.
Hi Paul – What you say is very true, and a good reason to try hard to foster good communications with people here!
There are many things left unsaid. Tune in to body language, sometimes that says more of what is actually being verbally communicated.
Some Filipino "polite" ways of saying no:
– maybe (actual English term used)
– siguro (Tagalog for maybe)
– tingnan natin (Tagalog phrase for "we'll see")
– baka pwede naman (Tagalog phrase for "probably it can be done")
– Bahala Ka (Tagalog phrase, "That's up to you." In this case, they're shifting the
decision making to you because they really don't want to do it. It might
be an unpalatable task, for instance, so instead of owning up to
the fact that they don't want to do it, they leave it to you. Either way,
you own the outcome.)
I hope the above helps in understanding the nuances of our communication style.
I meant to say whatever geographical part of the Philippines you're from, I'm certain that the above phrases (when translated to your equivalent dialect) mostly applies.
Hi Bob,
I've always been notorious for speaking my mind so I am totally at home with Americans (New Yorkers, for that matter) 😉 No problem there. It's when I visit the Philippines that I have to watch what and how I say things. I also constantly remind my husband to watch what he says. It gets tiring though because you feel like you can't be yourself. But, my family and friends know me well that they understand that I don't mean any harm when I say things. I guess tact isn't one of my virtues. 🙁
It might also help to know that Filipinos are non-confrontational, thus using a third party as mediator or go-between. This is well-exhibited when asking the parents your intention to marry her. The guy may bring somebody to speak in his behalf, usually a respected personality in the community, beside his parents. Also, when settling conflict, having a third party is one strategy commonly used.
Don't be surprised when a long lost friend has this greetings , "How come you're now fat ? Why are you so thin ? You look old in your hairstyle". These comments appear as norm. I haven't heard of political correctness in the Phils, in fact, I didn't really know what this means before.
Jul,
You are so right on the comment about greetings. I do hear that a lot even here in the States, at Filipino gatherings where friends greet one another that way.
So that got me thinking… how can we be so blunt and upfront in some ways and yet so coy about saying "no" as if it's a big crime to do so? Just musing.
You've offered some darn good advice on many things already, Bob, but this may be your one best post … for my fellow Americans I suggest if you don't read or take interest in any oher post, heed this one!
Especially because we, as a country, have developed a lot of "bastos" (rude) mannerisms in past years that we sometimes don't even think of as being rude any longer. But the average talk of a couple Americans meeting each other in a store, or chatting in abar, for example, can seem incredibly rude to our hosts here.
In many ways there are great similarities between Filipino and American ways of speaking … but the similarities are in the ways Americans spoke 40 or 50 years ago! So before you call someone a common, ordinary "joking' name, as an example … think back to when you were a child … would you have spoken that way to your grandmother? If you're unsure … don't say it.
Another little thing I think fits in here. that little word "po". It sort of gets tagged onto all kinds of responses and is used very much as we Americans use "sir" … a sign of respect. Because Americans are big on democracy and often pride ourselves as being a 'classless" society, we may pick up the habit of "po"ing everyone … how wrong could that be?
The problem is the Philippines is _not_ a classless society. And you won't change it by, say, adding "po" to requests for service to a waiter, or a maid or garbage man. Rather than the intended purpose of making them feel equal members of the "global community" you may actually make them feel quite uncomfortable … it's better to "po" only people who obviously are your elders … just treat others, especially the younger with respect and kindness, but leave of the "po" … if they "po" you, they are telling you something important about where they feel you and they "fit" in the social strata … don't "po" them back
Hi Angie:
I really don't know ! It seems it hurts so much to be denied or turned down with a "No" answer than getting an ill remark about ones body. Something to do with the emotional vs physical, maybe?
I grew up with neighbors whose first names are followed by their deformities. Example: Juan- Kimpang (kimpang means, limp), Mario Upaw (upaw means bald) etc. or Lina- putot (putot means short). Nobody seems to object with this kind of labeling, including the concerned ! Don't really understand the Fil psyche, Angie.
Hi Bob, You have an unusual knack for hitting the correct topic. This morning I read the guest blog where he made some humor about how you know your married to a Filipina if. I read it and let it on my screen. Marlou read it and became quite. About an hour later I asked her if she was angry at me over something and she unloaded on me-about that blog. I know the intent was humor-she didn't. She said why do we Americans feel so superior to Filipinos? Why do we even marry them so we can feel powerful? Why do we continually put them down yet all talk about why we want to live there? To say I was taken back would be an understatement. She reads the other blogs about Davao and Living in the Philippines and she constantly reads the negative comments that are made about Filipinos and the Philippines. I thought about this all day long and she has some valid points. Are there some of us that feel superior to Filipinos? Why do we plan to move there, desire to move there, move there and then criticize so much fo what is there? I have to say that as the day progressed I found myself feeling ashamed for what I have read on blogs about the Philppines. Is this something that others feel? Is this something that just effected her today? I wish I had the answers but I don't. I have decided to do a much better job of protecting her from this type of discussion. I know you have always been supportive-its the other site that is the problem and I think todays blog she read was too much for her. Do any other readers feel this way? I am searching for some answers. Ron
Okay, now I'll chime in! Yes, all of this bears out what we have also learned about Filipino culture. It is good to remember, this is a 'shame' culture and one of the highest values here is 'S.I.R' (smooth Interpersonal relations). If SIR is the way of doing things, then saying 'no' to someone, especially someone you feel you should treat with extra respect, can bring you feelings of embarassment and shame. The Mindanao equivalents of the phases Angie gave are "Tingali" (probably/maybe)," Sulayan nako" (I'll try) "Siguro" (same as Tagalog) and "Ikaw bahala" (You be the one to decide). We do not use 'po' in Cebuano, but even without that respect word, we show respect by calling or addressing people older than us 'Sir' or 'Ma'am', or if you are more familiar with them, 'Manang' or 'Madér', or 'Manong.'
One time, our land lady who was older than me called me 'Maam' and I called her Ma'am right back to let her know that I would not like her to call me Ma'am, as I considered her more worthy of the respect. I could tell that th is pleased her, and I always called her that, or Mrs. Espiritu or Mrs. E., never by her first name. We were also careful to instruct our children how to address people properly and show respect. We find that expat children are often very rude, speaking disrespectfully to their Ates in the house who are older than them, and ignoring older people.
As Angie mentioned, much of Filipino communication is non-verbal, and we outsiders miss a lot if we don't really work at figuring out what is going on under the surface. You know you have really blown it when you see 'frozen faces.' No smiles, no nods, just blank looks… and then people just begin looking away and ignoring you, and that's that. You are 'out.' Until the problem is fixed, people will look right through you or when they have to greet you and be nice, you will see smiles that do not reach the eyes. This is called 'plastic.' If you want to fix the problem, ask your wife or someone who you t hink really likes you, what you did wrong, and go about making it right, usually through a third party. It is usually an issue where you caused someone for feel insulted or shamed or someone close to them.
Body language goes both ways. Foreigners have very clear body language we are often very unaware of. the Filipinos around us will know if we are angry or not getting along with our spouse, even if we say nothing. If we think someone just said something foolish, it is usually obvious. Sooo, we need to learn to control our responses so that we do less non-verbal shouting. Now that takes some time, and starting with counting to 10 before saying anything is a really good start!
We have had a panday (carpenter) working at our house for 7 days. He was brought to us by a highly reccomended painter who has also been working here. The panday was working by the day and has been very slow. Yesterday, my husband asked him to wait until he came back to hang a door, but he didn't wait and messed it up. So, we have a slow, expensive panday that doesn't follow directions… Last night my husband texted the painter and said we really didn't need any more carpentry work done right now, and that he would send the panday's pay with the painter tomorrrow, and to thank him very much for his work. Today, the painter didn't show up for work. He is probably ashamed that the panday he brought didn't do a good job for us. If he doesn't come tomorrow, we will call and ask him to come, since we have more painting work for him, and we want him to know we think his work is good and are not blaming him for the mistakes of the panday. We won't mention the panday at all, act as if it never happened, and he will be comfortable.
Call it denial or what ever you like, but there is a fine art to what you don't say, as well as what you do say. I would say that 'less is more.'
This is to Americanlola, what i do is…to tell them in the most polite way " I dont like to be called SIR ".
Ian
Hi Angie S.. – Yes, nuances are very important!
Hi Tina – I thought about you when I wrote this piece! From the times we've met, I doubt that you ever have much trouble speaking your mind! 😀
Hi Jul – Ah yes, the intermediary is a very important player in Filipino communications! I have to admit one thing… when I get into a taxi and he says "Sir, you are very fat!" If I am not in the mood for it I will say something like "Yes, and your nose is very flat!" He usually pouts while taking me to my destination! I've kind of gotten to the point of not letting it bother me, but from time to time it still does.
Hi Dave Starr – Thanks for your nice comments. You also offer some very accurate advice there yourself!
Hi Ron – I don't recall ever writing anything on this blog (or any of my blogs) that I would consider as anti-Filipino, or condescending to Filipinos. If anything I've ever written comes across that way, it was not my intention. What I wright here is just my way of trying to understand Filipino culture, and to help others understand it as well. I have heard Filipinos say things that might feel "mean" about Americans too, but I usually just blow it off, because I am pretty sure that they don't mean it that way.
Hi AmericanLola – Quite insightful! Interesting about the maid that you called in a respectful way! The carpenter that you are currently having issues with is an interesting situation too. I'd like to hear the resolution on that if you have time.
I'm really gald someone else came up with a comment about that supposed "joke" on Filipino culture. Frankly I'm was a., very suprised to see it here and b., bored and not amused because it is so old it must have circled the Internet about 10,000 times by now.
The fact that something like that seems so innocuous to many Americans is exactly the point I was trying to make earlier. You cna argue until the sun goes down if it is "humorous" or not "humorous", but I would defy anyone to say it is respectful or that it elevates or shows respect to anyone, especially the Filipinos who are the "butt of the joke". To say this in private is one thing, to use a public forum to send out "humor" to thousands of strangers is the issue that hurts people. When I was a boy it was totally acceptable to tell jokes that pointed up the physical differences, manner of speaking, alleged habits, etc. of Blacks (we called them colored or Negros then, nobody knew what "blacks" were)), Irish, Italians, Jews, Chinese, etc. etc. Some of the characterizations even have a basis in fact, some of the "jokes" even do have a component of humor, but thankfully this sort of racial singling out and 'slanging" has pretty much stopped … it's even illegal in some situations.
Why then is it a "good thing" for alleged jokes like "you know she's a Filipina if" to continually circulate in otherwise polite company. Frankly, I found it offensive, I'm hardly surprised a Filipino finds it offensive too.
Just take one example .. the reference to the unidentifiable food in the ref. Since I am married to an educated woman who happens to be of Philippine ethnicity, according to your "joke", she's a filthy housekeeper who wouldn't know enough not to risk our health by keeping spoiled food. Likewise my very dear mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law, (who all have very clean kitchens, btw) etc. Care to explain to me where the humor in calling them all slovenly or stupid lies? You can come and look in my ref any time, I can assure you there is nothing old, spoiled or unidentifiable in there and it gets cleaned on a very regular basis.
Many Westerners don't seem to be conscious of their attitude of arrogance and "in bred" superiority, but, as Ron and MarLou found out, the arrogance comes across in the words used and the "victim' of the joke, even if the intent was pure as the driven snow.
Hi Ian, I know that Americans (and other foreigners) are uncomfortable being called Sir or Ma'am, but when we ask people not to call us that, we are asking them to treat us disrespectfully by their own standards. Do you want to be addressed disrespectfully? I am from California and from a very casual background, but I decided that I would rather honor other people's desire to act and speak appropriately, for their own self respect, than make them call my by my first name, which makes me more comfortable.
Bob, that was our land-lady who called me Ma'am. The painter came and put in a half day's work, and no mention was made about the carpenter. All's well that ends well!
I think it would be interesting to let the Filipinas compile a list of things that mean you are married to a foriegner, or an American, or a 'from someplace else'. That would be only fair! If the men can dish it out, surely they can take, right? 🙂 Or would the wives decide to just not do it because it might embarass their husbands if they exposed their odd behaviors to an amused public.
Hi Dave Starr – OK, I just realized that I did not fully address Ron's concerns. I addressed more of what "I" had written in the past, but I did not address the specific post that Louis made. First, let me say that before Louis posted his post, he e-mailed me and asked if it was OK to post it. He said that he just wanted to be sure. I looked over it, and I said it was OK to post it. I admit that I didn't really think that it was a great post, or thought provoking, but I also did not think that was Louis' intention either – he was aiming to be more light than anything else.
In retrospect, I should have advised Louis to work up something different. When I looked over the "joke" that Louis sent me, I didn't think it was funny, but like you, Dave, I have seen similar jokes for years. While it didn't make me laugh, I also didn't expect that people would get offended by it. After reading the reactions here, and re-reading the post, I can see how some things could give offense. I guess that when you have to start out a post by saying "I don't mean this in an offensive way, but…." that is a bad sign!
I accept responsibility for approving the post in advance. I should have been more thoughtful, and I was not.
I hope that the things I have written in the past have made a good indication that I am not racist, nor am I insensitive to the plight of others. I made a mistake, and for that I apologize.
Hi AmericanLola – Thanks for correcting me on the land lady! I think I got sidetracked there!
Regarding Louis' post, I agree that if anybody wants to write up a response, whether it be a list like that about foreign men, or just a post of their own about how the joke made them feel, I will gladly publish it. Having realized that I made an error, I would prefer not to publish another list, but fair is fair, I suppose.
Hi Bob:
I think that Louis's "joke" should be removed. It is in that bad of taste!!
Actually, my point was, how would we like a list like that written about us? And I don't really think we would, and I don't think that the wives would want to make their husbands feel like they have probably felt when reading such lists. I am not actually suggesting a new list, I was trying to make a subtle point.
We know Louis never intended to hurt anyone's feeling, I am sure! This just illustrates how easy it is to be a 'bull in the cultural china shop."
hi,
this is to americanlola, i have always been treated with the utmost respect by filipino's, and i find that, they understand why i dont like to be called sir. after all, respect has to be earned, doesnt it?
ian
Hi American Lola:
Your posts stand alone with an incredible insite that is befitting of this blog. My complements on the many that have been posted, and hopefully the many to come…..
Hi Bob I try tell all readers of this my small story how to
communicate the philippine people the sister of wife my wife
tell for my wife have problem for one land farm and need fix
the plan of the land and need enginer make plan.
You know the philippine custom in the afternoon come the engineer with 3 people help to work for make plan give for them food and drinks and also I stay together to eat and I drink
I drink copa libre ( Bacarcardi with coca cola) and one philippine man speak for me this drink it is Lady drinks because I put
coca cola And I feel very angry and I speak bad for him and
the sister of wife of speak sorry for me. Other day call me
one neigvor because make party I speak no thanks.
I skirt my self if make something wrong again because
my expirience in philippine life very small only 2 month.
To AmericanLola: I admire you for having a deep understanding of the Fil culture. O my, you reminded me of the Socio-Anthro class in college where we memorized those Pakikisama, Hiya, Bahala na, Padrino system, etc traits with examples in our test and I hated it!
To Bob: On Louis' Post, apology accepted. Your LiP Blog is truly great.
Hi Bob:
I con not say it any better than Jul. Ditto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Wayne – I will have to think before removing Louis' post. I feel that once content is put up on the blog, it should not be lightly removed. It is something that must be considered carefully. I feel that it kind of gives the blog a "warts and all" effect. If we start pulling content that some don't agree with, it becomes a slippery slope. I will be thinking it over. Thanks for your suggestion, though.
Hi Zois – Your story about the guy who said about "lady's drink" is interesting! I hope that is all cleared up now!
Hi Jul – Thanks for what you said, I appreciate it.
Hi Wayne – Ditto what I said to Jul.
Hi Zois:
Filipinos add coke or pepsi in their drinks most of the time ! That's why we have drinks coined as "mestiza"–Tanduay or mallorca or Datu+ coke or Pepsi, Beer-Da-Pe (Beer-Datu-Pepsi) or Beer-Da-Co (Beer-Datu-Coke) and these are not lady's drink. I guess these are very potent . Even red wine, my parents add coke to it !:lol:
Hi Jul no I give for enginer and the people help the engineer beer and Bacardi and philippine rum (rumi) I look all the people
drink bacardi without coca cola only the engineer drink bacardi
with coca cola. I am surprise if tell me this man the my drink
copa libre is lady drinks first time in my life I hear this.
Bob,
I don't know this person so I am not trying to plug someone else. But if some of us here haven't read this person they should. He is an American, probably in his 50s. He is married to a Filipina and is a business consultant in Manila. He has some very good observations on Philippine culture from an American point of view.
http://www.apmforum.com/columns/orientseas.htm
Dan
Hi Dan – I have heard of Clarence before, but I don't know much about him.
Hi Bob Louis" post my opinion no remove because
every one write serious or joke story it is okey. also before
some one speak for Wayne because he is write coments politics
I speak to you why no write politics. This site I like because there is democracy every one write free. Only write for porno or sex.
every one if no like to look this site or no like look another site but no give permit every from us write for the writer bad
things we need some respect for all many thanks.
Hi Zois,
"Cuba Libre" (rhum and coke) is not a lady's drink. The Filipino you met was probably teasing you and wanted to impress you by drinking Bacardi straight. This is common among Filipino "macho" men who try to impress others by their drinking prowess, only to make a spectacle of themselves. You are the smarter drinker 'coz you enjoy your drink the way you want it and not because you want to appear macho. Not to worry, enjoy your "Cuba Libre", I know a lot of men who do!
Hi Tina I enjoy cuba libre anyway this is no joke this man
speak serious and also the other philippino they agree with him
only the engineer no speak nothing. In manila there is one
greek man have shipping company I look him the year 1996
and I ask him about philippino men and tell me with philippino
you eat you drink cofee you play basket ball the philippino men
is very kind. But never you go drink alkohol with philippino men
after you fight with philippino men tell me you careful this greek man live in philippines 30 years.
Hi Zois,
I agree, no one wants to be around a bad drunk, no matter what nationality! 😯
Hi Bob,
Re Louis' post, I don't think you should remove it because it makes for a lively discussion. Yes, some feelings might have been hurt but this is reality! If we can't have a discussion here, where can we have it then? If you take it out, it is like sanitizing the site. This is where we iron out misconceptions and agree to disagree. At the end of the day, we all have our own opinions, we take or reject ideas from other people, we walk away with a better understanding of the world we live in. For so long as the discussion pertains to living in the Philippines, I think the post should stay. What do you think?
Hi Zois and Tina – Yes, my inclination is to leave the post as is. Like you said, Tina, if you remove it, that is sort of like trying to sanitize the blog. I am not comfortable with that. I mean, if I would remove that post, I guess I would need to remove this one, because there are references in the comments here to Louis' post, so this would have to go. What other posts should be deleted? It's a never ending cycle, if you see what I mean. After all, I don't believe that Louis' post is way far out of bounds to the point that it must be censored. Anyway, best to leave it in place, and let the blog stand on the entirety of it's content.
Hi Bob….Bill Huff here….when i first read what Louis had writin'…i knew at that very moment of the reactions that would follow. I must admit, i was very surprised to see such a thing in this site, and NO, i did not enjoy it. It reminded me of the so-called humor of the 60's & 70's…..which i did not enjoy then either. I was waiting to respond until the subject of removel came up, as it now has. In all honesty, i cannot imagine someone writing this with just humor in mind….it had the underlining feeling that thier was more to this than just humor from Louis, even if he was not totally aware.
But i do beleave it should stay….it is now part of the whole.
Hi Bill – Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I tend to agree with what you are saying.