I got an email from somebody regarding a wife’s privilege when they married a US military man. And what would the wife get if the husband cheated on her and what would be taken away from the husband over cheating on the wife, like a rank and privileges? I am asking you kind- hearted military men some advice for Laura’s sister. She needs help on what to do since she’s living here in the Philippines and the guy lives in the States. Just read the email below and you know what I mean. Thank you guys for the help as always: GOD BLESS!!!
Dear Feyma,
How are you? I came across your blog. I’ve been reading when I have a chance. I am corresponding with a US military guy. Since knowing what happened to my sister I am now contemplating of continuing my relationship with my boyfriend. But I am writing to you regarding the dilemma of my sister. My sister married her husband less than 5 years ago now. They had a child. They decided that my sister and the kid will just stay here in the Philippines and let the kid study here until he finishes up his military service. So my sister’s husband stays in the States. They’ve been doing good until just recently. My sister emailed her hubby and he won’t answer her email and he changed his cell phone number in the States. My sister was suspecting that he had an affair with a girl from a different state. He keeps on traveling there before when they still had contact. He reasons out its for the job. But now my sister thinks its really for the other woman.
He is still financially supporting his child with my sister. It really devastates my sister. I could see she’s depressed and keeps crying. My parents told my sister to try to contact the head of the military and maybe they will do something about it. I don’t really ask my sister but I think her husband has a higher rank in the military. My sister now just wants the continued support for the kid’s education until the kid graduates. The kid starts to go to school soon. Private schooling in the Philippines is really expensive. Well, I don’t have to tell you that your kids go to private school so you know the cost.
My sister really is not sure if the husband will support the kid. She thinks the husband has child with the mistress. So I guess she really wants to know if she could get the husband kicked out from the military. Does having an affair make a good grounds to be kicked out from the military? Really too many questions my sister needs some answers right now. We as family just don’t know what to tell her. But we are here to support her. My parents really had a hard time too seeing my sister go through hard times right now. Thank you for reading my email… Laura
Hi Laura,
Thank you so much for writing. To be honest I don’t really know what to tell you. My darling Bob is not a military man. So I don’t really know the rules of the military personnel. But I am sharing your email to our regular readers and the regular people that comment here. Some of them were retired military guys and some were still in the military. I’m sure they will give their thoughts on these matter. I hope that your sister’s husband will be talking to your sister soon for the sake of the kid. If they had problem they should resolve before the kid gets older. I hope your sister will not really go into deep depression. She had to think positively. I know it’s not easy to do. I hope for the best for your sister Laura. We all pray for her and the child.
Take care and God bless! Feyma
Very sad Bob. I’ve seen this situation before with a friend of mine from Arizona. When she arrived in the USA he told her he had another girl already.
Wow, that is not good Lance. Not a very honorable way to treat a lady.
Lucky for her she found a better man. Her new husband even adopted her son from the Philippines.
Glad that things turned out for the best!
Of course it does…. I don’t think I implied otherwise.
I’ve seen it first hand go the other way.
I have a horror story but It’s too long for here.
First and foremost: If she know’s her husband Squadron Or Unit, she can talk to First Sergeant explain the situation, “The First Shirt” can guide you on what to do, but knowing you live across the ocean it’s a little bit complicated… Wish u all the best!!
Hi Ann – Good advice there for Laura’s sister. I’m with you it’s more complicated for her since she’s living thousand miles away from her husband. I guess we just all wish her well and hoping for the best for her and her family.
Thank you friend for stopping by. Have a great day!
She is not looking for advice; she is looking for revenge. What good would it do her and her kid if he is kicked-out of the military? He’ll be out of a job and he will not be able to continue supporting her.
Exactly.
Hi franknyc – I think she just want many options for her child. I’m pretty sure she knows that if ever the guy be kicked out then no money for her child.
Thank you for visiting us here on LIP. Have a good day!
First of all she needs to make sure the marriage is well documented with the military. a Notarized copy of the marriage certificate sent to the Defense Finance and Accounting Office Should do the trick along with a letter requesting DEERS Enrollment. Secondly there probably would not be any punishment given to him by the military and getting him thrown out is not really a good move for a couple of reasons. First He is required to support all children by law but outside the military this requires a court order. Secondly loss of his career means loss of income and job in a country where unemployment is already at a record high. If the marriage is documented and he fails to support them a letter can be sent to his commanding officer reporting non support and the commanding officer can enforce support payment. Also in order to remarry he must get a divorce first again through the courts but she will have certain rights before the Judge will sign the Decree. Hope this helps
Hi Joseph (Hey Joe) Stuckey – Really good advice for Laura’s sister. I’m hoping she had all the papers that you were talking about. Something for her to get busy with to get off her mind from the problem.
Thank you so much for the good advice for the lady. I hope that her and her husband will resolve the problem soon.
Nice to see you here. Have a wonderful day.
I would suggest for your sister to go to US Embassy and file for child support. For sure your sister’s husband can’t get away with that.
Good Idea Christina, but be sure to take a certified copy of the Marriage certificate!
Don’t think the US Embassy (Dept of State) will get involved in a military child support issue so I recommend contacting the embassy first (by email) before making a trip there (Laura might live far from Manila).
I retired as an AF first sergeant in 1990 but hesitate to give much advise (some rules might have changed). But it seems Joe gave some good advise already. Bottom line: The military member must support his dependents. Does Laura have a military dependent ID card?
Hi cristina – Very good advice indeed.
Good to see you here. Have fun reading and commenting here!
Feyma
Laura is in a tough spot. Let me make sure I understand.
1. Laura & her husband were married in the Philippines. Did they register the marriage? If so, that helps.
2. Laura, and baby, have never been to the US. Is the baby a US citizen?
3. Laura doesn’t know what unit her husband is assigned to in the US. What service? Army, Air Force, Navy? Does she know his rank? Does she know his full name? Parents names? Siblings?
If she has this kind of information she can write to her husband’s commanding officer(she can find him online) and he may help. But without an order of child support, from a US court, there is nothing to force him to pay. The best she can do is get the Philippine and US embassies talking. The more paperwork she has, the more likely he is to keep paying. Information is power in this case. She has to establish, or get her husband to acknowledge that the child is his, and therefore, he is responsible. Then an attourney here can file child support paperwork for her and she will get the support she needs. It is difficult even in the US mother have trouble getting father to pay child support. I hope this helps.
Good Luck, Laura!
HI David – For the first question, yeah they were married here. Don’t know about the registration of the marriage. Second question: Nope they’ve never been to the States yet. Don’t know if the son was registered as a US citizen. The rest of the questions: I don’t know the answer to that. Hopefully she will read the message here.
I really thank you for the advice for Laura’s sister.
Have a great day and nice to see you here!
This is interesting to say the least. I have an abundance of information on this type of situtaion. First the service members obligation is to support his dependents which from what I read he is doing. So if a command is contacted that is the first thing the command structure is going to want to know and if he is good and if he is not then not so good. I am going to assume that the marriage is legal and the child is documented along with the wife in DEERS and in his Service Record Book. I make that assumption because he is eligible and would receive extra monthly income for having a spouse and dependents. Staying on that assumption Adultery is against the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Proof is the key here. Assume that his Senior Enlisted Advisor receives and email with the information that the email posted by Feyma claims. What am I going to do? He is innocent unless proven guilty. I am not going to tail him out of state to spy on him. I will bring him in let him read the email and discuss the issue and my one question is are you supporting your dependent spouse and child? If the answer is yes I would ask him to prove it and once satisfied I might talk about adultery and I might not-remember there is no evidence just inuendo and suspicion. The rest of all of this is absolutely none of my business or the command/militaries business. If he is a good soldier and he is fulfilling his obligations I am going on to bigger issues. As far as financial support the wife might/should attempt to set up an automatic payroll allottment. This is her right and is common for service members to establish when they are away from their family. In truth there is just too much speculation on any of this to render any kind of for sure statement. But that is exactly the procedure I would take if I were his senior enlisted. Ron SgtMajor, USMC, Retired.
Hi Ron, you pretty much went where I was trying to go on this and as you said Adultery is a punishable offense under the UCMJ. However in my 23 years of active duty, I never saw a single instance of A member being prosecuted under the UCMJ for adultery.
Hi Joe – I thought you might be interested in the following:
“Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair, fired from his command in Afghanistan last May and now facing a court-martial on charges of sodomy, adultery and pornography and more, is just one in a long line of commanders whose careers were ended because of possible sexual misconduct.”
“Eighteen generals and admirals, from one star to four stars, were fired in recent years, and 10 of them lost their jobs because of sex-related offenses; two others were done in by alcohol-related problems.
The figures show that 255 commanders were fired since 2005, and that 78 of them were felled by sex-related offenses. A breakdown: 32 in the Army, 25 in the Navy, 11 in the Marine Corps and 10 in the Air Force.”
http://news.yahoo.com/sex-major-reason-military-commanders-fired-123720150.html
I agree with the poster in that Laura’s sister is more interested in revenge than trying to salvage her marriage. But, then again, once a partner in a relationship begins to stray, in many cases the relationship becomes unsalvageable and no amount of talking, crying and pleading will bring a straying heart back.
HI Ron – Thank you so much for the great advice. Something for Laura’s sister to do and think about. You really give good details on what to do. It’s really up to her sister to do the rest and the right way that it would be beneficial for everybody at the end.
Thank you so much too for your service. Highly appreciated by all of us.
Have a great day!
I only have one comment about the situation Lance referred to. If he brought her to the US he had to apply through USCIS and in that he agreed to financially support her for specific number of years. If he brought her here and dumped her for another woman immediately as you implied from the knowledge you had he committed fraud.
That is all the details I know. It was 15 years ago maybe 20.
HI A SAD POSTING
But it happens from time to time to the best off us ok i will never for get i meet a man from new ziland ok when i was going over to see my wife in 2006 and his wife was having there there first baby ad he was on the way on his own going back to the php to have a little sex fun on his own and sadly this is happening more and more for thy just dont can as long as thay ge there fun thay dont care who thay hurt as long as it is not them ok and all i can say if for this girl is for get him and find a man that loves her for her a good man off god that know how to a love a girl ok and men keep ur nob in your pants and love ur wife ok and stop playing about and then u sy u cnaot trust filipina girl how in the hell can she trust u if u do this….peter martin tassie
Hi peterjoy – Yep so sad. I just felt sorry for the kid that’s get caught in the middle.
Thank you for stopping by mate. Have a good one!
“He is still financially supporting his child with my sister.” Please dont try to exploit this servicemember to support the extended family. He is not the ATM machine. I dont know that this is the case here but many times it is as we well know many extended family members in the Philippines do not work and always looking for money. Many military members in the USA receive food stamps and WIC and other financial support from the US Government. While they have decent benefits for housing and medical care, they are far from rich. Most live with credit card debt from paycheck to paycheck and with very little, if any savings. I would not do anything with DFAS as suggested earlier here before first talking over the situation with the servicemember. The job demands in the military CAN BE time consuming sometimes, depending on the job. However with internet and free skyping, seems that communication could be somewhat regular. I would verify the marriage certificate is valid. Ensure the child has a valid Philippines birth certificate through the NSO, then a valid US birth certificate through the nearest US Embassy or Consulate, then the child is eligible for a US Passport and SSN, if the service member has not already done this. If he has not done this I would wonder why. In order to file taxes as married and claim his Filipina wife and child as dependents on US tax returns the wife would need to submit a W7 to the IRS to get an ITIN (Individual Taxpayer Identification Number) and the child would need a SSN (US social security number). If the servicemember has not done this or is not taking steps to do this, I would wonder why.
you may be right mate but that dont give him a right to run about on his wife ok and there are ppl here saying filipina do and what do thay call her two timer and slut and she is taking all his money but when a man is thats doing the bad think u say not a thing what is good for the girl is good for the bloody man ok as two bad thinks dont make it right ok and to me he is not bloody better and the bad filipina girl that takes all off a mans money ok for if he did love the girl he would never do this ok…..peter martin tassie sorry but this makes me very mad ok he i am married to a filipina girl that i live a part from and can do just this but never do and ok u ask me why for my wife is all i need in my life as i love her with all off my heart ok…..god bless
Pete how do you know he is fooling around on his wife? An email is hardly proof.
I am sorry to read about your sister and her child. I hope that your sister and her husband filed a CRBA with the embassy. This will ensure child support is always paid.
For everyone else, this story is more common than you would think, last year PBS did a documentary called “left by the ship” it was about Amerasians from the Philippines being abandon by their American fathers. It is very said and pathetic that someone could do this to a child. I had my first child a month ago, and brought my now wife to the states from the Philippines, I could never imagine the loss of either of them…
MAN UP!!
I do not think that Laura and her family are trying to take advantage nor trying to get him kicked of the military. A lot is lost in translation from Philippine English to American English. As I read the post, I can tell there is a lot of frustration. Filipinos in general are not confrontational. Be sensitive to the issue, imagine being 3000 plus miles away from your so called husband and worried about weather he is going to continue to pay child support. As I said in my other post, please watch Left by the Ship you can google it and see clips for free. It will give you a true perspective of the child and mother.
I work 70 hours a week and travel around the world for work, there was never a day that went by that I did not communicate with my girl while she was in the Philippines.
The military tries not to get involved unless it brings discredit to the outfit.
Number 1 does she have proof that’s he’s cheating, or does she just think he is?
Number 2 Could he be deployed or on maneuvers where he has no access to e-mail or cell phones?
Number 3 She can contact the unit chaplain or his Commanding Officer, it matters not if he is of a high rank as he does work for someone. But prior to that make sure she has the correct facts as she could put his career in a bad way, unless she doesn’t care about receiving money.
One question I have if she’s not been in contact, where is she receiving her information from, if it’s the Bamboo telegraph beware of the source.
Try writing a letter to him, as mail will find him wherever he is.
There are two sides to every story–that’s why I waited until I hit 20 before getting married. I’ve seen many good guys get taken-down by jealous, vengeful women (to be fair, I’ve also witnessed abused women who tolerated being beaten and cheated on). Sometimes relationships don’t work out and both parties have to accept this and move on. She is entitled to support, and as long as she gets it she should be mature enough to accept the fact that he no longer wants to be with her.
On a side note, I had a good friend who went through something similar. He got married with 19 years and after a year he figured out that she was only after his money. He decided to leave her and she was ecstatic! She thought that she was getting half his money and pension. When she found out that legally, she was only entitled to half his money and pension earned/accrued since they got married (50% of 1/20ths and 50% of his TSP contribution for 1 year) she flipped out! She started making allegations of abuse, theft, etc. Hope she is enjoying her $52 a month pension!
i cannot give advice on what this girl should do to help her out to receive the child support she deserves. i believe the military will help her with that. they wont be any help to her once he is no longer in the military so i believe she should be grateful he is an enlisted man. I can, I hope, offer her some emotional support as this sitution I do have experience in. first, i hope she can realize she is not alone. these kinds of things happen all the time. i would like to share what has happened to me many years ago not to get sympathy for me as it was a long time ago and i only want to share so she will understand why she has the feelings she has and why it is so difficult for her. I was married to my husband in 1966, our first son was born in 1967, another in 1970 and our youngest son was born in 1974. my husband was emotionally abusive to me and it was a difficult time for me for years. too many times he did not show kindness, appreciation or sympathy towards me and made fun of me when i was sick or feeling down. he was finacially supportive to the kids and I but tried to use money as controlling me and he was not support in emotional ways. it left me sad and lonely. but I did love him and tried to be understanding and I was determined to be a very good mom and my children were the glue that held me and our marriage together. but after 10 years things became worse and then physical abuse entered into the picture. several times my husband beat me up in front of kids and the bruises did not hurt as much as the pain i knew my children felt when they witnessed domestic abuse. thank goodness it only happened a few times but after living three more years with his abuse and the last time he hit me i told him to leave. he did and took with him his paycheck, our checkbook and the keys to my car leaving the kids and me with no means of support. i am a brave person and in my lifetime i have had to endure so many terrible things but this was the scariest time of my life and it took me a very long time to get over it. he filed for a divorce and was required to pay child support weekly. some weeks he paid but it was not dependable and some weeks i could not buy groceries or pay the bills. i could not afford an attorney to take him back to court and the child support laws were not as rigid as they are now. so i tried working but i didnt realize that i was suffering a debilitating stress disorder that caused me unbearable physical pain and my middle son suffered from asthma and it was difficult to work when he was off school so much. so i wasnt going to be able to work anymore and now was really afraid of how i was going to care for my family. so i went to the department of social services to ask what i should do. no one in my family ever had received government assistance before. they told me the program was set up for people like me and my children. i then became a welfare mom and the sterotype for that was nothing i had ever planned for in my lifetime. i did not deserve criticism or to be stereotyped but i did need help. so they sent us a check every month and they took legal action to garnish my exs paycheck.and they kept my child support . it was hard because the pay was barely enough to survive but i still had my children and our home and our emotions started to heal. it took many years until i realized how much better off all of us were without him in our lives everyday. I became a stronger and even more independant person. I never remarried cause I never found a man who could love my sons like a father would. and I am still quietly wishing for the man who will show me the love I have always derserved. but i am ok even if it never happens and your sister will be fine too. if I had not had my children to care for and love and raise I might not be here today. my best advice is for her to keep focused on being a good mother and know these things happen to us good people and it is not our fault. it will work out good for your sister just as it has for me. I am proud of the person i have became and God never gives us more than we can handle. I will keep your sister in my prayers.
Donna, I really hope that you and your son will make it to the Philippines soon and find the love that has eluded you almost all your life. I wonder, though, had there been a Philippine connection in your past given that, in practically all of your comments on here, you show a very strong affinity for, and a great understanding of, the country and the Filipino people?
John Reyes
Salaza, Palauig, Zambales
thank you John for your kind and considerate words. I have found that in life sometimes we are guided to our futures without realizing it is happening . and it is usually through a series of stepping stones that happen as we go through life. i dont even know when my interest began in the philippines. i believe it was about the turn of this century and i really hoped my two youngest sons who were not married yet would both find love and foreverness with pinay wives. i dont know why I chose the philippines. i dont know where it all started but my real father whom i never knew was in the Philippines during ww2 and so was my adopted dad for a brief time. they have both passed on now and maybe from heaven they know what is best for us and are molding our futures for us. i guess i will never know but I live and breath the Philippines almost every moment of my life and if it werent for our plans and confidence in a better life there I could not see a bright future ahead and dont know how we could get through each and every day. when my son first started communicating online with ladies from the Phils, we never dreamed our lives were going to be so wrapped up with everything there and then we both got a really big “kick in the teeth” 3 and a half years ago and then we realized our lives were headed to the Philippines, the place we feel is better and will be right for us. since then we have met so many ppl online who live in the philippines either as citizens or expats and we have studied the culture . our interest in living there has never lessened in all this time even though ppl we know here doubt that we will ever go there. our hearts are already there with the land, the people and their culture and we will be there someday soon. thanks for asking John and giving us encouragement.
One posting above references an issue indirectly, but it would be wise to say this more clearly — This matter is a great deal different for officers than for enlisted, regardless of what service (Army, Air Force, Navy, whatever).
Adultery is a career killer for officers if it becomes known. Usually, the officer is permitted to remain long enough to retire, but there will be no more promotions, and duty assignments will be undesirable from then til retirement.
So, you need more information. If the guy is an officer he will very strongly not want matters to become official.
Sorry to hear about your sister’s situation,
Here’s my take on it! he may or may not be cheating? Anything could of happen Is the husband just not answering or was the phone number changed? Phone could be broken and he may be trying to get another one? Has happened to me! Don’t know the time frame of how long he has been AWOL but I’d wait and see if he calls or gets a hold of her and/or still supports her and the child before going to the military officials because that could make it worst than better. Give it a month if nothing then do what you have to.
As for David’s comment on the child support here in the states …… that it’s hard for women here to get it? Well here in Texas they get it more than they deserve that’s for sure! It’s all about the woman and I’m living proof. I hope things gets better for your sister and the child hope everything works out.
Mrs Feyma,
I sounds like alot of unknowns in this story. She doesn’t even know her husbands rank or even know which branch of service he is in. Thats a big red flag to me. There also could be a good reason why no communication. Like Paul T said said snail mail and if you do locate the Unit, contact the chaplain. . That was my communication when i was in the Marine Corps. If the marriage is legal and he fails to support the child, payment should automatically be taken out of his check. Alot of men will quit there jobs to avoid having to pay child support. The bottom line is that there too many unanswered questions to really give an accurate response. But if everything she says is true, its really unfortunate especially for the child. Have a nice day
There are certainly many unknowns in this story, but I understand the wife’s concern and encourage her to take steps to protect her child. That should be her primary objective, not retaliating against her husband, although I can sympathize with her anger and understand her suspicions. If she takes these steps, the repercussions to her husband from his command command will come and be appropiate. If they are indeed legally married, the husband/father breaking off contact with her and his child are the first steps of abandonment. It doesn’t take a genius to know what follows. Taking steps to financially protect her child is wise and isn’t looking for an “atm machine”. This may be a starting point. Rights and Benefits for Abandoned Military Spouses, http://www.militaryonesource.mil/legal?content_id=269358 . She can also attempt to obtain an order of child support through the state of residency of her husband. Proof of paternity will be key here. Is the father identified on the birth certificate? This order would be easy to enforce through his military branch. Let’s try to be helpful to her and not judgemental.
Cavite Bob,
I’m just curious where in Cavite you live? I will be living in Bacoor in about 6 months if all goes as planned. Have a nice day.
We bought our house in Paliparan, near Dasma City. I have not fully relocated yet, but hope to by the end of the year. Still need to finish some upgrades to the house (no ac yet!) and convince my company that I really am quitting and moving to the Philippines! Good luck with your move to PI!
This sounds very judgemental but I think the sister is more into revenge than anything else.
So the guy gets kicked out of the military. With limited prospects on employment, that means reduced support. Why not just file for divorce. It is possible since the sister is married to a noncitizen.
If the guy gets kicked out of the military and cannot find a job, he will likely end up with food stamps/social welfare and thus cannot send any child support due to bankruptcy.
I agree with people here, there are many holes in the story. Besides, nothing has been PROVEN. It is all SUSPICION.
Where did they meet, by the way? Korea? Japan? This is where usually US personnel and Filipinas meet. And the girls are usually hookers or bar girls who went to Korea/Japan.
The best approach here is file for divorce and child support. “Revenge” will hurt the kid more
IMHO That guy is unemployed… unfortunately!
He barely can support his child, never mind getting married and having a normal life.
I read somewhere that the US military is under severe spending cuts pressure.
Tough times ahead for everybody, not only for the military.
Lady,… the FIRST thing to find out is this: IS HE STILL EMPLOYED?
Sad, all around. A cautionary tale and a good comment topic, though. Marrying a foreign military man is adventurous to say the least and perhaps your sister should have mentally prepared herself for difficulties.
Maybe he has lost his job, perhaps kicked out and pretending to still earning normally, instead of being on welfare. It could also be another woman; your sister will know best.
Hi, I just wonder:…. where is the replys from Laura and her sister..?
Everybody is just guessing and come with good advices – but the two :Ladies are silent…
Have a good day everybody
Ben