I was thinking of death lately because a few close family of mine died in April and one in July. Some were my cousins that I just met a few times in my life. But 2 that were close to my family were my cousins who died last April and a dear person to me died last week of July. He was my brother-in-law. He was the husband of my oldest sister. He is a brother-in-law to me for over 35 years. We had our ups and down as a family. But over all we love each other no matter what. He died of a heat stroke. It really shocked the rest of the family. But we are happy that he did not suffer much.
Why was I talking about death anniversary since my brother-in-law just died? Well, last week was the 3rd year anniversary of my Mom’s death. I felt she just died not too long ago. See here in the Philippines when its death anniversary the family that’s left behind will almost always celebrate. Most of the time the family will have lechon and some other food for a feast. It is a big deal to the family. Some will have a 9 day prayer prior to the day of the date the person died. The ninth day was the big day, some have a big mass, prayer service, then off to the graveyard. Some the ninth day prayer would be there at the grave. Most people now would bring food for the person that died. I mean bring cooked food and offered or put on the top of the grave. It is really a tradition now to some people. But not with my parents.
When I was growing up my parents offered food to the dead during all souls day and all saints day (Coming up on November 1 and 2) but not on the grave. Just at our house. That’s on November 1st & 2nd. We had a lady that came to the house and led the prayer for all the loved ones that died ahead of us. I remember when I was in grade school my sister died. It was really hard on my parents especially my dad. She’s so close to my dad. My sister, she had a disability, she was struck by a polio at a young age. We didn’t expect her to die yet at that time. During her first death anniversary, my parents killed like 2 or 3 pigs. We had a big feast at the house. We had a 9 days prayer and stuff. On the ninth day, that falls on the day she died. We went to her grave and pray and stayed there for like and hour or so talking about her and the memories we had of her. As I recall my parents never brought any food to the grave of my sister. Growing up with my siblings we never experience eating and having party at the grave of my sister or my grandparents. Now with my parents and my sister being buried in one place, we usually go there, it could be during their anniversary or their birthday, we just lit plenty of candles and stayed there at the grave for a few hours talking. Then go home to my sister’s house and have a little party there. Now with my brother-in-law next to my parents and my sister it is easier for the rest of the family to be there and pray.
Some of my family do have the party at the graves. It’s okay, its really the trend now with the new generations. They will stay at the graves overnight drinking and dancing and doing karaoke. I’ve seen during all souls day that too many people get drunk there. Some were even fighting with the other people there. Luckily at the place where my mom was buried they had a lot of security guards that’s roaming around the cemetery area. You can even rent a tent there at the cemetery, I think its around 2 grand. We did rent one during my mom’s first year all souls day celebration. I’ saw so many people partying there. Some graves even have a built-in bedroom with air conditioning at the second floor. That’s for the fancy graveyard.
I remember when I was in Cebu City studying college in the mid 80’s. It was a trend there to have parties at the graves during all souls day and death anniversary. At that time I thought it was just on that part of the country to have that stuff during the all souls day. Maybe more in Manila. At that time I didn’t experience something like that in Mindanao, so I thought it’s that way. Really it might be already a party place for some but it is not big like what they have nowadays. Oh well, Mindanao did catch up with the Visayas region quickly. Nowadays what I saw in Cebu is what I’ve seen now happening here in Mindanao. If they like what they are doing go for it. They had fun and if they don’t bother others why not.
Hey, maybe your part of the country is different than what we are doing here in Mindanao. Feel free to share and we are happy to know what traditions you have in your area.
Cheers!
Mrs Feyma,
First of all condolences to you for all your familiy members who have passed away within the last several months. It’s good that you laugh and remember the good times you had with them at the cemetary on there anniversary of there death and on all souls/all saints day. You should always remember all family and friends that have passed. My G/F was really close to her mother when she passed a few years ago. She took it hard. So on her mothers anniversary and on all souls/all saints day she really celebrates at her grave. I’m looking forward to being in the Philippines on Nov 1st/2nd next year experience it. Thanks so much for sharing the tradition of your family. Have a nice day.
Hi Papa Duck – Thank you so much for you nice thoughts. Sorry to hear also about your mom-in-law. You should try to be here during those all soul/saints holidays, it will be a new experience for you. Another thing you will learn about the Filipino culture.
Good to see you here again Papa Duck. Have a great week.
Cheers!
Hi Feyma,
I seem to have an abundance of funerals to attend since my wife is from a large family and she is now 51. Why do I mention her age? Because there is a correlation. the older you get the more funerals you attend. Aunties, uncles, and assorted relatives that are two decades in seniority start succumbing to the dreaded fate of mortality. I am happy to know that at least our immediate family enjoys the genetic factors for a long life. I am sad to see that some families are cursed with many health issues.
On August 16 my father that I brought here to care for passed away at age 82. I brought him here to care for because the doctors in the US had written him off and wanted him to lay in bed in a nursing home. So he had two extra years of life here in the Philippines with a better quality of life.
As usual death catches us by surprise and my father’s case was no exception. The funeral arrangements that I made did not follow the normal customs here. I did not want him displayed in our house because I saw it as more of a spectacle than a respect issue. I felt that way because in life he was not a friendly guy and saw the people around him as an annoyance. ( like many old guys he did not embrace the culture here) We went to a funeral home that Marie has connections to and asked that they come and pick my father up for preparation. Then we asked that the viewing be in one of their chapels. The initial plan was for cremation but since he was a foriegner it was a little complicated. So we rented a coffin and had a two day viewing. We went and got a doctor to make a death certificate even though the doctor never saw my father. I thought that was a bit strange. then after all the paperwork was completed my father was transported to Davao for cremation. We had just a few close friends and family join us at the funeral home for a dignified ceremony. I was questioned by many people why we did not have a big wake at our home. I told them that my father was a private person and that I did not feel it was appropriate. I told them whenever there is a Pacquiao fight or a birthday then I am happy for everyone to come for a party but I don’t view a death as a cause to celebrate. I did give way somewhat and allowed a kind of mixture of funeral traditions. There were people that stayed the two days with the body of my father before transport to Davao.
One of my friends who is an older educated Filipino man said that my way of handling the funeral seemed more dignified and less burdensome to the family that the traditional 2 week affair. We talked about what a burden it is to host a big party for many days after losing a loved one. I explained that my experience in the US for funerals that if there is a wake then the family and friends bring food and provide for the guests but here the grief stricken here seem obligated to come up with the food tables, chairs, and Tanduay. I am not totally opposed to the tradition here as I see the celebration of someones life to be a nice thing but I think that the family should be afforded a more private venue.
Hi Tom Ramberg – I know what you mean. Lately I’ve been attending funerals too, it seems. Good thing you brought your dad here before he passed away. At least he had a few years added to his life and well taking care of. We had a friend who lives here in the Philippines since the 80’s. You guys had similar stories. His dad was cremated here in Davao too. I’m not sure if they had lots of people went to the wake and funeral because that happened when we were still in the States. I think it was just the immediate family really because they’re really a private people like your dad.
I’m with you on the wake. When my mom died, our family decided that as soon as all the paperwork gets done in 3 days my mom will be buried on the fourth day. Unfortunately, we had more paperwork to do since the bones of my dad(who died in 93′) and my sister(who died in 82′) were also included on top of my moms casket when she’s buried. We have paperwork to do on that too and to transport the bone from the farm in Sarangani Province to GenSan City. It took 5 days for all the paperwork.
Anyway, Thank you so much for sharing. Good to see you here.
In some places in the Philippines, funerals seem to be more of a “celebration” than a grieving period. Not that I am condemning how some hold their funerals, but as someone coming from an area in the Philippines where funerals are usually solemn, I find it a surprise that some provinces in the Philippines hold funerals with karaoke and gambling along with it.
The preparation of food, I can understand and explain. It’s kind of like being “grateful” to the people who take their time to visit or drop by (there is a joke though that if you want free food, look for a funeral). The karaoke and gambling, however, is beyond me
Hi Katrina – That’s how I felt before. I’m used to it now though. When we used to lived at the other side of town, our house was near to a cemetery. Every 1st & 2nd of November the cemetery looks like a night life area. Party everywhere the place. We could hear the music from the cemetery to our house. To think our house was a few blocks away. It was something, even big restaurants put up a stall there.
Really me and my family just want the old way, the way we were raised by my parents. You and me we’re similar raised the old way. I guess the new generations now want it big and grand party.
Nice to hear your thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing.
Take care!
Feyma, my condolences
Thank you so much Katrina. I really appreciate your thought.
Cheers!
Feyma:
Think happy memories….Not sadness.
I have a question that might be considered offensive, but I think you would know… Please do not take offense, since it is just curiosity.
I have been to about five funerals here. At each one, they had the exact same lighted, colored, electric “mirror” shown in the coffin in the picture above. One even had a “winking Jesus” picture on the front.
Is this a Filipino thing?
I’ve been to several funerals in different countries, but never saw that until here… And each funeral here had that in common… Even the Congressman’s.
Sorry if the question was in poor taste.