As I told you in my post earlier today, Feyma had some difficulties in adjusting to living back in the Philippines. She returned to the world of her childhood, yet when she came back here to live she quickly learned how much she had changed sine becoming a woman in the United States. Others around her saw the changes too, and most of her family and friends didn’t really care for the way Feyma had changed.
I felt that I needed to do some things to help reduce the demands on Feyma, and keep her stress level a little lower. What could I do, though? Well, I decided that one concrete thing that I could do to help was by taking the blame for things. When it came time for Feyma to tell her family that they could not hang around our house all day and night, instead of just flat out telling them, I encouraged Feyma to put the blame on me. So, Feyma told them that “You know, Americans live differently than we do. They enjoy having some privacy. Because of this, Bob wants you to spend less time here. Bob said that you should just come around when invited.” Things like that helped a bit, because then people like Feyma’s family could say “oh, it’s not Feyma telling us that we aren’t welcome, it’s Bob that feels that way.” Well, if they didn’t like my way, that was OK with me, I would prefer for Feyma to “save face” with them and have the blame placed on me.
Feyma is a sport, though. She doesn’t like to let me take the blame that much, and doesn’t always follow my advice on that. It is a final “out’ though, if needed. I don’t mind taking the blame, because I don’t really care that much what others think. I am going to live my life the way that I like. I don’t feel I am mean to others, but when it comes down to it, I am going to live my life in a way that I am comfortable and enjoy myself. So, when it comes right down to it, I don’t mind being the “fall guy” in these types of situations, and if it can help Feyma reduce stress, that much better.
After a few years of adjustment, Feyma started really liking our life here. Today, I am pretty sure that she would not want to return to the States to live there permanently. Sure, she would go for a visit, but not much more than that. Really, Feyma and I have built up a life here that I don’t believe we could match if we lived back in the States. We have done it by sticking through the hard times here, and making the best of those hard times. Just like how I described above how I made some sacrifices to help take the heat off of Feyma, she has made many sacrifices to make my life better. In honesty, she does much more for me than I do for her, I think. All in all, though, I know in my heart that we are well adjusted here, we both love living here, and we are here to stay!
Hi Bob many thanks for the article now understand the position my wife because you explain from your experience for relatives from feyma and I am thinking you have big patience and you
help your wife. I haven't patience for life I understand your story
if foreigner is better no live in philippines. I try make patience
for my life somes times I have patience somes times I haven't .
Your site answer for some of my question thanks.
Though each person's circumstances are different. I do believe that it can be quite a struggle for a Filipino returning to his home country. I have experienced this and have discussed this with friends who also live abroad.
Bob, correct me if I am mistaken. A foreigner moving in may be more open to changes knowing that everything will be 180 degree turnaround from what he may be used to. fully aware that "it ain't Kansas anymore." Inconveniences may excused as mere cultural differences.
For a balikbayan, There are lingering memories and expectations. if I may paraphrase, "Once you leave home, you can never go back." We may also be less open to some inconveniences of the culture because we grew up in it and we do not feel obligated to make too big of an adjustment.
So much growth is experienced away from the country that it is difficult for dear old friends to relate to this. Friends also expect to see the "old version" of this person, while the balikbayan expectations of how things should be will not met.
The beauty of returning after being away for so long is having a new set of "fresh eyes." The beaches and mountains are more beautiful, the fruits more juicy and the seafood more delicious, the pace slower and the locals friendler. Time away makes us balikbayans appreciate how lovely the islands can be.
Hi Zois – Don't worry, I am also not that patient! 😳 But, when it comes to your wife, you have to do the best that you can!
Hi Macky – I agree with what you are saying about the foreigner being more ready for differences because he is going to a whole new place. I do think that there is another factor, though, that is at least as important. Expectations. I'm talking about the expectations of friends and family of the Filipino. You see, for the foreigner, they know that he is going to be different than they are. They tend to excuse his "strange behavior" because foreigners are different than Filipinos. However, the returning Filipino is expected to still be a regular "Filipino" when it comes to attitudes and expectations. However, that returning Filipino is a changed person, and no longer the same. I feel this is something that most local Filipinos tend to overlook.
hi bob,
my father use to have a phrase wich has stood me in good stead " WELL, IM AT HOME, I WISH EVERYONE ELSE WAS!" , you may wish to try it sometime.
ian
Bob, you have made a good point here, and that is that the husband of the Filipina can make all the difference. If he gets mad and blames her for the way her relatives behave, it is a double whammy for her. She is in the middle and can't please anyone. it is obvious that you love Feyma and that you are looking for ways to make her life easier. She can put up with a lot for that kind of man!
I have dear friend who is engaged to a guy from UK. He works in a grocery store and is working overtime to get enough money together to come back and marry her. When he visited last time, her family was constantly asking her for stuff. She had no money, she was supposed to ask him. She was SO glad he couldn't understand what her parents were saying! She just kept smiling… After he left they kept demanding that she ask him for a new cell phone, and money. She finally just left home she was so upset. Her fiance now helps pay rent on a small apartment here in CDO, two hours away from her parents. He has erned my respect for caring enough to help her out of that situation, even though it will be that much longer till they can get married.
Life in the Philippines is not as hard on foreigners as it is on returning Filipinas, so if husbands realize that, and live with their wives in a supportive and understanding way, taking the heat, as Bob does, or even moving to a new location, if needed, they will make a difference and be the heroes.
Hi AmericanLola – Thanks for your nice words. Your story about the Englishman who works in the grocery store is quite interesting.
Hi Ian – 😆
Hi all. After reading all the comments I must say I feel very lucky that my wifes family are not like some others who look upon their foreign in-law as a 'cash cow'. In the 3 years we have been together there has only been a couple of times they did actually ask her to help out, and it was not much that they needed and we did not mind. Also there have been plenty of times we have just given them things. My wifes father does have a good paying job, where he has been working for 25 years, so that does help a lot in their situation and also her sister is a pharmacist and she still lives at home. Last time we visited I think the only person who asked for money from my wife was a neighbor! And I sure you all know how the story goes there in the phils- when the filipina marries a foreigner she is instantly weathy, and I assure you I am not. I am just a common truck driver.
Oh also i would just like to add that my wifes immediate family do not treat her any differently than before she moved here with me, but some of her distant relatives and even some of her old friends do, cheers.
Hi Jason – Let me just be clear. I never said anything about my wife's family asking for money. They are actually good about that, they rarely ask. That is, the immediate family rarely asks. The people that ask for money are usually distant relatives, and even then, not much. It's the constant barrage of people who are practically living in the house and such that was a big problem for us.
I must trully be one of the lucky ones. When in Davao I would ask my then fiance why here friends did not come over-she would tell me that they know our days are limited and will wait for us to invite them. When with her family in Davao THEY would pick up the tab for meals, invite us to their house, take me golfing, provide us with a vehicle to use, and would never ask for money from Marlou or myself. Her brother in Manila (who needs money) would never accept a peso from me even when I tried. The maid always impressed me with her effort and work-I would try to give her a bonus on leaving and she would put her head down and say "no sir, I am just doing my job". Then she would thank me for all that I have given her already and quickly disappear. I held a large Halloween party at the Insular for family and friends, The guest list kept growing and with each increase in size the people inviting others offered to pay for who they invited-I refused. An all night party family, kids, friends, about 150 cost me 600.00 dollars and it was worth every penny. Out of gratitude some family members got together and paid for our room at the insular-I found out when I went to check out. Yes, I know your thinking her family in Davao has money-which they do. However, her friends don't, her maid doesn't and her brother in Manila doesn't. I hope you all enjoy a different perspective on this. That reminds me even Bob buys lunch-what a great country. So again why am I not living there already?
I know that all families are not like that, and am very close to a couple who recently married and the girl's family was nothing but wonderful! There are also bad egg foreign husbands and there are really great ones just like everywhere else in the world. I am very happy to read good reports from Jason and Ron! And like Bob says, it is often the distant relatives and other hangers on that make things difficult.
Hi everyone,
What an interesting thread. Indeed the dynamics of family interactions can be quite challenging. I've seen several comments about the root of the problem being with distant relatives, rather than the immediate family.
Since the concept of the family (from the Filipino perspective) includes aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins, etc. etc., then it does come with the territory. Hence this is a very real issue.
Probably from the "extended family's perspective," they think you're moving there because "you want to be closer to family." And when you reject their presence in your house, then it's negating the idea of fostering closer ties.
Might it help if when moving there, make it clear, "we're moving back to satisfy our own vision for our dream lifestyle…" (Explain your vision of that dream lifestyle)
I'm preparing to visit end of the year, hopefully to scope out possibilities for a more extended stay though not necessarily a permanent move (yet). If everything pans out, I envision a stay enough to allow me an immersion and enjoy what I can of my own country.
I've already sounded off to some family members my intention and why I will be there. They understand. I've made it clear where majority of my time will be spent (activities, people, locales, etc). I've asked whether they will be disappointed if my agenda doesn't match theirs. They've assured me I have a right to determine how my time will be spent, with who and for what reasons. No questions asked. And whatever time I want for our "bonding time" will be respected.
Besides, I do intend to spend most of my free time in rural places (barrios). They would not want to hang out in those places 🙂 I know that. As a matter of fact, when I told them before that I was going to the Andes mountains (in Peru), they all wondered. "Anong gagawin mo doon? What's so exciting about meeting local Quechas?"
Anyways, to each his/her own. I love life, I can't get enough of it. To me real life is in quaint places, the backwoods, close to nature, closer to the earth. I don't get my "high" from highrise hotels. (Not that I never stay in them because I do. It all depends on my need at any given moment.)
So my purpose of going back, to reconnect with my roots, doesn't necessarily mean reconnecting with all my distant relatives. Smile. To me it is reconnecting with my essence, with my country. Bonding with immediate family is okay. My immediate family has not been an issue. It's the circle outside of that immediate periphery that has been the challenge.
I've decided I don't have to meet all expectations because I'm living my life for me. (I've never tried to meddle with anyone else's life.)
This might sound so harsh but I'm really quite sensitive to others. Except I don't bargain too much when it comes to how I live my life and what I want to accomplish.
Kudos to the wise advice from American Lola, Bob, and everyone else's input and experience. This is live an evolving quilt, the quilt of life.
Have a good day. It's about 8:00 a.m. Pacific time. Signing off from the San Francisco area (or close to…) I'm in Silicon Valley, to be precise.
Hi Kevin K – Did I mention that ON Farm is in a cool weather region? It’s up in the mountainous Marilog District of Davao. Very cool, sometimes you even need a jacket up there! Few people in the are have air conditioning, some even have fireplaces!
Wonderful words from all — worth printing out and keeping close!
Mutual support certainly helps shorten the period of adjustment. The kano-man might be able to write things off to cultural differences, but the Filipina wife keeps that "write-off" in her heart as well, knowing the truth behind it. So, she endures her asawa's adjustments woes as well as her own. Sharing her woes, as she does yours, helps things along nicely.
In preparation for our final move, Emy and I have increased our interaction with other balikbayans with similar plans. Imagine the adjustments that a Filipino husband and wife will have to make when moving back vs. the Fil-Am couple! Parties and informal get-togethers with townmates and family provide the venue for good sounding boards and discussions of potential problems. (We're very fortunate that our "home" in the Phils is an area that boasts being the Balikbayan Capital of the Philippines! So, plenty of like-minded pare eager to discuss returning home.)
So far, the best thought generated in our get togethers: STAY HUMBLE!
Paul,
I am trying to learn the social geography of the Philippines as much as possible, so your remark about your area having lots of blikbayans is especially interesting to me. What part of the Philippines are you from?
Hi Kevin,
My wife is from a town in the province of Ilocos Norter in northwestern Luzon that is north of the capital of Laoag. I like to think I'm from there, too! 😆
Make that Ilocos Norte – fingers unsteady today! 😳
Hi Ron – With having my various Philippine related websites, I hear from a lot of foreigners, and your situation is certainly unique. I have never heard a single person describe such a situation before, until you! I congratulate you for that, you certainly have a good thing going there! Next time lunch is on you, though! 😆
Hi AmericanLola – Good point about there being bad eggs among the foreigner husbands too! No doubt there!
Hi Angie S. – Interesting that you have "laid down the law" before you went. It will be interesting to see how that holds up! I hope it works!
Hi Paul – Interesting about the "balikbayan capital" – I didn't know there was such a thing! As many Balikbayans as there are all over the Philippines, I thought the whole country was the capital! 😆 It sounds like you are laying some nice groundwork for your move!
Paul,
Thanks for the reply. I think I remember in James Michener's famous book, "Hawaii" that originally Chinese from just one small region in China were brought to Hawaii to work the sugar can fields, but then something in history intervened, so Japanese from just one area in Japan were brought in, history intervened again, so Filipinos were brought in from the Ilocos region. That's why Hawaii is especially diverse. And maybe that's why Marcos went to Hawaii. Thanks again for the info. I don't have any Filipino relatives or ties to any particular region, so I am trying to get familiar with all of the Philippines to help me decide where to settle. Bob makes Davao seem great. (Those pictures of the ON farm are mind-blowingly fabulous, and his mentioning of a cool weather area also interests me) But my thirty or forty visits have mainly been to Luzon. Not yet to the Ilocos region though.
Bob & Kevin – Weather at ON Farm sounds like that of Baguio, the Philippine summer capital 😀
Hi Paul – That area is known as the "Little Baguio of Mindanao"
Hello All,
I am sorry to hear about some not so pleasant experiences with Filipinos (relatives, friends, hangers on). Certainly, not everyone's experience is the same. My advice is for the Filipina wife to explain these cultural differences to her family. Filipinos who have been exposed to western ways aren't the problem. It is those who have not that need to be informed – in the gentlest possible manner. 😉
Hi Tina – Thanks for your insight!
Good Day All:
There are some very helpful suggestions posted here. I am concerned my self about the pressure for help other than the immediate family who have never asked and even now with their immediate cries still do not ask. It is the pressure that would be put on my wife by relatives etc that are more distant and possible the constant company, which my wife assures me we would be expecting. even though Her family has land that I/we were considering relocating to but with these post's it has become apparent to me that discretion would be the better part of valor. Now comes the hard part. Where else?????????????????
Hi Wayne,
You can't let this dissuade you from moving to the Philippines. The relatives and friends will eventually get the message. Just be ready to be the "bad guy"! 😆 You know, come to think of it, I don't mind being the "bad gal". After all, it's my life not theirs! 😆
Hi Tina:
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I could be wrong but a different place just might be best. Jo did not want to settle there. I think she experienced some of the hardships of returning when she came back from Taiwan. From what she has told me about that after Bob wrote about Feyma the events are eerily similar. I do not want to put her through that! I am thankful to Bob for relating that experience. I feel bad for Feyma but am glad I was able to find out before I made a mistake that could hurt Jo. She, {other than my kids from my first marriage} is the best thing that ever happened to me, & the nice thing is I get to do it all over again and try to have a family with her. The Lord never could have blessed me more than when he helped me find Jo.
Hi Wayne – I'm glad that you have been able to find some helpful advice here!
Hi Wayne,
I have the perfect solution for you, move to Davao! You'll be among friends and away from relatives! 😉
Hi Tina and Wayne – I was actually thinking exactly the same thing.
Good Day Bob & Tina:
Thank you for the suggestion. At this time Jo & I are open to examining new ideas & places to consider moving to and starting a family. Your warmth is felt and sincerity like that is very much appreciated!! It also makes that idea very appealing. Thank you.
And then there is always Cagayan de Oro, another nice place to live… 🙂
Hi Wayne – Always keep an open mind, at least until you decide on Davao, then it's OK to be rigid! 🙂
Hi AmericanLola – Yes it is!
Hi Wayne:
I agree with AmericanLola, you'll really love CDO. Bukidnon and Davao are a bus-away and Camiguin is both bus and ferry-away. If you want to visit Cebu, it's just overnight by ferry.There are CDO-Cebu flights but might be cancelled anytime, hehehe. Do we have to divide the house for Wayne, Bob ? 😆
Hey Jul – We have plenty of amenities in Davao too! You have Camiguin, but we have Samal! We have a new airport too! 😉
We have a lot of really nice restaurants… and so does Davao! Hmm, they'd better just visit all of us!
Good Day All:
An open mind is the window to opportunity. Thank you all for your suggestions. They are most helpful.
If it was not for Jo's desire to have her own child, I would be inclined to buy an island near Palawan. I am very much a country boy {man} and do not like cities at all. I have a very deep and spiritual connection to nature. After all that was God's first church,,, and it is part of my ancestory. I am a small part Native American. Every thing I have read so far indicates that there is still a fair abundance of native wildlife in Palawan. My only critiera when we move is. We live on a beach and we have a boat so I can go fishing as I please, and it not be to damn crowded. So at this time we are open to looking at both places. 😉
Hi Wayne – Based on what I know of you, I feel that you could fit in pretty well in Palawan! Nice idea!
Hi Bob, your story about the visitors at your home reminds me something, i was married to an Amerindian or North american indian and when we were on my ex wife’s home, there no-one knock to go in anyone’s house, So everyday we have visitors and they just come in without knocking at the door and that piss me off..So i told all of them, politly ” when you come in my home, just knock on the door” and even just little as that they didn’t like it,,,,When you stay on the reserve nothing is yours, they all share, so they go in your house and make themself coffe or just open the fridge etc…for sure i didn’t like it me the foreigner but that is the way they do it there. That is part of their culture you accept it or you get out of there..and one day i though to go home but i went in the wrong house ( because on the reserve they can make one full street with the same color and same model of house) anyway i go in and i saw an old woman sitting at the table, in my head, i said hum we have visitor again, then i said ” where is Jenny” and the old one said ” is no Jenny here” i feel so bad when i figure out that wasn’t my house, so i was going to go and i keep saying “sorry i open the wrong door” and she answer me ” no problema, do you want a coffe, just serve yourself everything is there”. Nobody there lock there door day and night, you can go for 1 month no one will brake the door to go in, but my friend if someone ever lock the door then you will learn something new about their ways….you see i never stop them to visit but i just ask them to knock on the door but i never lock the door, i did little and they did little to understand each other, and it works…Sometime i beleive that is only the way we tell people…My dad told me when i was young, ” son you can tell someone to eat some shit but the the way you will tell him he might just do it” lol…
When you are not in your own place i don’t think is good to make them be like you…don’t forget you are the visitor on their country…
Like to remind my story when i read yours…
Than you
Hi Lolo56 – Yes, I agree, we are guests here in the Philippines (I do not agree that we are visitors, because I live her permanently). However, my home is my home. It is my sanctuary. I live my lifestyle in my home, and if people come into my home, they are stepping into the culture of myself and my wife. I have no problem that if I go out in public or to their house, I am expected to conduct myself as part of their culture.