Here on a Bataan Mountain in my neck of the woods, we have a mini-UN, an international body that votes on the care of my Mother-in-law AKA Nanay.
One Adobo sister lives in Europe (The Netherlands’) and another one in Las Vegas Nevada. The third member is my wife here on that Bataan Mountain. Like with the real UN there is seldom any 100% agreement among the Adobo family.
The original plan was that during any health crises, I’ll step in and transport her (Nanay) to the hospital (I live two minutes away), and I’ll cover all cost of treatment. After it is over I am repaid by 2/3rds of the Adobo Security Counsel Commission, but like the UN, never paying traffic tickets in New York, it is not always equal for me. For years I said nothing as my wife’s mother was cared for and that is my only goal.
The Las Vegas delegation visited a couple of years ago. I refuse to interact with them because with them as I choose to remain neutral and I do not interfere with the ladies. (Abstention on my part)
But the Las Vegas husband tends to interfere, and on his own purchased a $1,000.00 owner jeep to transport Nanay to a hospital, but in the last five emergencies my car was still used as the jeep never seems to be running, or had no fuel. So that was a Thousand pissed away, but it’s not my money, so again I don’t care.
There are two more sisters and two brothers living here. One sister is on the Las Vegas team and the other three siblings on the Holland team. It is sounding more and more like the UN isn’t it? But like the UN the less money you provide the less value your vote has.
It came to a head in November over an electric bill, but as life would have it was Las Vegas’ turn (Oct.-Nov.) but the Las Vegas team (And they did fulfill their obligation) but their member living here spent the money on things, other than electric and then tried to slick the Security Council by saying it was Holland’s turn. I shrugged, as it wasn’t my turn so it was none of my business. Again I maintained proper distance, as any nonvoting member should.
But damn even when it was all conducted in Tagalog I knew there was trouble a-brewing. Paul, head for the bunkers on Corregidor and bring C-Rations and a P-38 (AKA John Wayne)
A roar went up, and then out came the Powder Blue Helmets a war was starting. The phone rang, and I wisely shut off my book reader and pretended to sleep. (As I said: I abstained from any Security Council meetings)
Nini in Holland and my wife decided that Nanay should be moved to my house to live. We have three empty bedrooms so space is not a problem. Actually, they both knew that I would agree to move her in as I brought the subject up years ago when my Father-In-Law passed. (I was voted down!)
Nanay was called before the Security Council (Las Vegas and Holland were on the phone) There were two nay votes and five aye votes the aye’s carried the day. Me? I was on a fact-finding mission, having coffee up the street with a friend. Yes; I can be a coward when it suits me.
I was informed of the results of the vote the same day, but after living here since 1994, I knew that nothing is ever carved in stone, so one morning a few days later when I come down for breakfast, I find Nanay is sitting at our kitchen table, so I knew that something new must have happened, and tried to turn around and vanish but I was stopped, I smiled and asked what was for breakfast?
Stress in my life? I refuse to allow it! But I do yearn for those long lost days of yesteryear when the beer once flowed like water! So I sat down and heard the news while drinking coffee.
Nanay had decided she wanted her own apartment (The building is up the street here on the mountain) and is owned by the sister in Holland. The eldest son (Juhn) lives as the caretaker on the property. My car is still available for emergencies, cell phones are in abundance (Hell Mayang carries two in her purse, please don’t ask why?) I think it is because the Samsung Galaxy phone has a habit of exploding. (Google that)
The Las Vegas delegation announced they were on the way to “The Philippines” I will be very busy during that time, with many reasons to be off the mountain during that visit. Remember what I said about being a coward?
The bottom line is that family dynamics are the same all over the world, and as long as you remember that a camel is nothing but a horse that a committee designed, peace will always be a part of your life. But damn, I sure miss the extra help that beer gave me!
I will end with the burning question of the day! “How Would You Handle It?”
How to handle it? Continue being a coward and perhaps consider drinking beer again.
Alex;
I used coward in the humorous sense of the word I apologize if that wasn’t clear, I would never advise you to become one, nor would I advise drinking as your answer.
I used coward and drinking beer in the humorous sense 😉
Alex;
Then we both did and I thank you for clearing that up!
Easy Breezy….at our age all you need to do is pretend to be feeling bad. Your wife will buffer you from the family stress and strain. Eventually she will drive all the stress givers away. She may make a decision or two that you don’t agree with but……….no stress and no B.S. Life in the Philippines is simple, if you only let it be.
Dennis;
I must agree with you and great advice for most people. But since I have seldom allowed any stress in my life that I have the power to control.
On the ships the panic would be sometimes the rule of the day with people yelling be flexible or be fluid, as I would smile and sip my coffee and say; “Don’t worry, stay gaseous!”
We all have the ability to shut out outside influences that try to affect us in a negative way. A strong sense of humor will protect you, if you identify the problem, have a laugh at it, and then work to solve it.
It is difficult to ‘be a part of’ and ‘stay away from’…
But I know how to stay a bit ‘in control of’ in a way. And that is just to give my better half a budget for such things and let her control it. That way the other parts simply deal with her and I can have my drink in peace.
Good Luck Paul! Merry Christmas!
gc165
You have found the answer to this situation, You sir do know how to handle it! (LOL) Living here is so much fun!
Heh heh heh….I use the aforementioned “budget” method….I figure there is a reasonable amount of “leakage” that I am going to cover….so if I just set an allowance, these things just sort of slide past me for the most part. Basically a “don’t’ ask “don’t tell” policy! After some years now, I only hear occasional rattling when there is something major. . . in perspective (Say in comparison to US expenses) these events are often modest. When I think of P1000 as a $20 bill, I have trouble getting excited about a couple of thousand pesos here and there. Yet I suppose that may change when I’m fully retired.
Greg;
The Navy Federal Credit Union for over 45 years has been the mainstay of budget control, all by the phone or on-line when the interweb is functioning (LOL).
My wife Mayang has, instead of a real credit card she has a “Visa Check Card” that works like a credit card but with no interest.
Being born here and never leaving, she does not like owing anyone anything, and until I convinced her that it was our money and no bank was in charge of her money so with trepidation she came to like having the card.
But she now controls the budget. as with you, and I agree, a couple of thousand pesos still will never affect my life. (Once at the long Bar in Raffles in Singapore, my share of the bar bill was $600.00 while partying with my crew.) What an asshole I’d have to be to complain)
I would give serious consideration to her living with “”Us””.. If she is older and in not perfect health she would be taken care of …Her own apartment is fine if she is in good health and can manage properly… Otherwise I would take care of her at home where i have the room to do so.. For the other family members i would tel them You just send me what you feel is correct money wise to me every month or 2 months.. That would help me out…If you don’t want to pay anything thats fine with me also .. I did the same thing with my father in law.. after he had a stroke ..massaged him every day walked with him every day and he improved but only slightly but he had good food and had “””Us””…he wanted to go back home to his province and we succumbed to his wishes..his brothers where there…he was taken to his daughters house not rich people you understand…I sent monthly payments for care and medicne the daily care I feel dissapeared and maybe the cost of the medicne I don’t know if it was given or not ..He passed away 2 years later I feel he would have lasted longer under my care but of course I am a secondary in line of command as to final say so’s…So thats my opinon…By reading you here I would think you were on the same page as me as far as opinion wise…If she is in good and … fine health then apartment is ok other wise take care of her yourself ..
Lenny;
You have legitimate concerns, and make good sense about caring for the older members of Philippine society. (Mostly because of economics they seldom use nursing homes) I have no trouble opening my home to her, she if fully mobile, (Albeit a lot slower, but the same could be said about me.) The apartment (2 minutes away) as long as she can manage on her own, I’ll support it in every way.
What happened with your Tatay is normal here; the family will bicker without considering the wellbeing of the person, being that it is all centered within a few miles of her house and family. I know they love here and want the best. I’ll just watch and step in if I must. I’ve been here for more than 25 years, so they listen to me.
i KNOW YOU WOULD TAKE CARE GOD BLESS AND MERRY XMAS
Lenny;
Thank you and Pasko Na or Merry Christmas to you and yours!
I’m sorry, but that’s way too much drama for me. If I have to endure even a small amount, I’ll go on vacation somewhere. Anywhere.
RT
Into each life a little drama must fall…even you! (LOL) But as I said above I hand it over to my wife and stay out of it, and then, I don’t even have to travel.
No muss, No fuss, I just walk up to my friend’s house and come home to sleep in my own bed. Stress free!
Yes. I’m also married into a family of sisters. Usually wisest that we brothers in law leave those big family matters to the immediate family. We will weigh in if asked. That’s usually to make sure we are aware, and agree to how the bill will be split.
As with the UN, there are also rogue nations. The only time we had to get directly involved was when the rogue brother in law tried to wrest control of the ancestral farm from our mother in law. The guy had been deported from England for striking his wife (my wife’s sister). So he was already lower than dirt to myself and the other brothers in law.
We let it be known that a family reunion was to be held at the farmhouse. The US delegation is heavy with military veterans. The Filipino side, heavy with PNP and PDF vets. The guy was a no show, and we haven’t seen nor heard of him since.
Take care,
Pete
Hi Pete (Yes Army beat Navy)
As I mention to another reader, we may not want to be involved, but off times we wake up dead center, look around and say: “How the hell did I get here?”
But over my many years I have heard over and over, that we marry the family. I believe that now, but what they have figured out is that old funny Kano is a crafty bastard.
My wife Mayang will come to me and explain, what is going on, and what is my share but if the family survives. Who am I to question?
All my big outlays of cash were made while I was sailing and making good money, They all owe me vast sums that I never mention, and that prevents them from asking for more. I will gladly help with school, and medical problems.
Hi Paul,
My advice for what it is worth is to stay the course you are already on. Some people enjoy family drama…others don’t. I think you are handling things as best as you can. Good luck!
Peace
Jay
Jay;
Family drama; I believe you are right about some liking it, and they tend to start it
When my mother passed, there was property and cash and stocks to be divided among we the 5 surviving sons. My eldest brother was the executor. I was on a ship in the middle of the Indian Ocean. I told him I trusted all my brothers and will go along with whatever they decide. There was no drama and it was settled smoothly. (As it should be.)
I abhor drama, but if required to deal with it, I will!
Lol. Great Post. Entertaining.
hgb;
That is always my goal!
I also have a mini UN at my house. My wife, however, has veto and voting power and I’m a non voting country. But why then am I the one who pays for, and supports, the UN?
hgb
You pay and support the UN; you must be an American like me, who else would do it? (LOL)
The only wrinkle I can see is if you take the MIL in the the Dutch and US representatives are likely to go awol.
Gary;
The Dutch member lived with us for years (At no charge) before she met and married the Dutchmen (A really nice guy BTW.) We are very close. Now if the USA Contingency went on the lamb, I’d smile and celebrate with my occasional Fine Pale Pilsner. And gladly pay their share, a cheap price just not to deal with them (LOL)
Paul, you handled it better than I would, and I’m a Filipino Canadian who is still on the fence of coming back to stay there. Love the sense of humour in you!
Boo,
The difference is you were young when you left (Hey, you still might be.) But I came here to live in my 50’s. (The Navy brought me here as a kid) You, as a well traveled guy, you might be surprised at how well you can handle it. The people here haven’t changed, you have. Ah December in the Philippines, rainy season ended, and it is perfect again! How’s Canada this time of year? (LOL)
Paul, Thank you for asking (rolling my eyes, lol)… At this time I am very envious of you.. I just finished clearing my driveway of a snow dump, not much but I’d rather be laying on the beach with my favourite Cerveza.
Boo;
It’s a life reversal, I grew up in the Dorchester section of Boston so after riding my Flexible Flyer Sled down Pope’s hill, I had to start moving snow off the driveway and sidewalks, while you were in the sun, now I’m the guy with the sun. There is a God in the heavens!.
Yes indeed… though the cold has grown into me… We go to Cuba to have a quick fix of sunshine without the usual tourist trappings of other Caribbean islands.Enjoy sunshine my friend… and have one cold one for me.. 🙂
I lived in Puerto Rico and owned two clubs, many Canadian at my club. Cuba has a death ray so Americans stay away! (LOL)
Death rays don’t t affect brown skinned people… LOL. Dang two clubs with crazy, drunk women, my kind of place… hahaha…
Boo
A Canadian girl asked me why all US money was green, it confused her. I bought her a drink and then explained that in the US we were taught to read numbers. I spent a few days explaining America to her. Brown skin is safe? Great news…(LOL)