I mentioned in a post over the weekend that when we moved back to the Philippines life here was very difficult for Feyma. It took her a long time to re-adjust to living here. As I have said here before, Feyma and I made an agreement that we would stay here for a minimum of 5 years no matter what we thought of the place. It’s a good thing that we made that clear between ourselves, because Feyma was ready to go back after only a couple of months. Over the next several years, Feyma made a lot of comments to me about wanting to go back to the States.
The truth is that every Filipina/Foreigner couple that I have ever met who moved back to live in the Philippines has experienced the same problem. The Filipina wife had trouble adjusting back to living here, and actually wanted to go back to her husband’s country. Why is this the case? I can’t speak for every couple, but I can look at the things that happened in our case.
First, when Feyma came to live in the USA she was 22 years old. She was young and still naive, not being exposed to anything western except for TV. Back then there was no Internet, at least not for the general public. She saw shows on TV from the USA, things like Dallas or Knots Landing. She thought the streets were paved in gold, I think. So, when she came to the USA, she learned a lot. She basically grew up and became a woman in the USA. She actually became quite a sophisticated woman, quite worldly. Feyma was certainly not the same person who had left the Philippines in 1990. She was not the same girl that her family and friends had known.
In 1999 we came here for a vacation. It was our last time to vacation here before moving here for good. While we were here, I once asked her sister what she thought about Feyma. Her response – “she’s fat.” Well, I think Feyma weighed about 125 pounds at that time, so she was certainly not fat. Thing is, when she left for the States she was like 90 pounds, and was skin and bones. But, the response of her sister was fairly typical of her family’s feelings – they really could not understand who she was anymore.
When we moved here in 2000, the confusion in Feyma’s family only worsened. They really could not understand her thinking anymore. She was more American than Filipina. Actually, I would say that they didn’t like it, and they kind of fought against it. They certainly didn’t understand why Feyma didn’t like it that half the extended family wanted to hang around our house all day long. They didn’t understand it that she didn’t care for the fact that all these people hanging around would make themselves at home with our food and such. Some of these people we barely knew, but they considered it their right to practically live at our place. After all, that is indeed Filipino culture. Families are huge, with 2nd and 3rd degree cousins hanging around, and basically being part of the household. Feyma, though, had just lived 10 years in the USA. She had gotten used to having some privacy. Because of this, Feyma was really stuck in between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, she could let the family hang around, in which case neither Feyma nor I would really be happy. We wanted our privacy. Sure, family could come around, but only when we invited them. That is certainly not the way Filipino culture works. On the other hand, if she told her family that they were not welcome to hang around at all hours of the day, she would be a bad person in their eyes. She would certainly not be in the norms of Filipino society. What could she do? No matter what she did, somebody would be unhappy. In the end, she chose to tell her family firmly that they need to give us our own space, and come over only when invited, or if they call or text us first to see if it is OK. This was a huge shock for the family, and lead to a lot of hurt feelings.
Let’s look at another thing that happened to Feyma. When she was in high school, there were basically two cliques. There were the rich kids and there were the poor kids. Feyma was one of the poor kids. The rich kids and the poor kids really didn’t mix. Most of the rich kids barely even knew Feyma existed. After we moved back, Feyma found out that one of her good friends from high school was working at a local department store. Feyma went there to see her, but the girl was quite cold in her response to Feyma. After a while it came out that the girl was no longer comfortable talking with Feyma, because she was now “rich.” Feyma didn’t act any different with the girl from when they were in high school, but culturally they were no longer the same, and the girl had no interest in rekindling the friendship. Basically, this was the case with most of Feyma’s friends from school. But, a funny thing happened. The rich kids suddenly found out who Feyma was and that she was back in town. Hmm.. Feyma owned some businesses in town that were doing quite well, so they decided that they wanted to rekindle the friendship with Feyma. Funny thing was, there never was a friendship in the past, because they would hardly talk to her before. All of this was very hard on Feyma, and it took a number of years for her to overcome these things.
There are many other things that made life difficult for Feyma. Things like grocery shopping or any kind of thing like going to the bank and such are all much more difficult tasks here than back in the States. Feyma had grown accustomed to the good life in the USA, and had a hard time accepting that it was a different life here, one that she had left behind forever… or so she thought.
So, don’t be surprised if you move here and your wife has a hard time adjusting. You know, they say that the person who is most difficult for a smoker to deal with is an ex-smoker. Ex-smokers are often the most militant anti-smoking advocates around. I guess that it is kind of a parallel with Filipinas who move back. For Feyma, it took a few years, but she has really come to love this place. She, I believe, still has some desire to go back to the States, but only for a visit. I believe that she is very happy living here now.
Hi Bob
Long time since I last commented. How are you doing? Look forward to meeting you when I come over to Davao in December. All you say about Feyma becoming a woman and developing a western outlook while in USA is exactly the way it happened for my wife in UK. She was young when she came here and really blossomed from a naive young girl to a mature experienced woman here in UK. Yes, she is different to the folks back home in Davao now, but she never forgot her roots and loves to see her old friends, she seems to know how to switch off her "Westernism" and revert to being a Dabawenya at will ! I am very proud of her.
Keep up the good work Bob.
Malcolm
Hi Malcolm – Nice to hear from you again! I hope you are doing very well. Don't take me wrong, I don't think that Feyma is unable to turn off her western side, I am sure she could if she wanted to. But, she is the type who doesn't want to appear to be something that she no longer is. Having blossomed into a sophisticated woman, why not show off the real person that she is today? If her friends can't handle it, then they really are not friends after all! I do understand what you are saying. Like you are about your wife, I am very proud of Feyma and the person who she is.
See you in December!
I understand Feyma's re-adjustment in the Phils. My friends thought that I brought the "spotless America" to the Phils because they heard that I spent nights cleaning my house a day after my arrival. Little did they know that I was having jet-lag and I couldn't sleep at night so I spent it scrubbing the sink and bathroom.
One difficult adjustment for me was when I crossed the highway. My young nephews and nieces decided to cross the road towards SM in CDO, not using the overpass. I was very scared and I was stucked at the middle of the road where the taxi drivers were pointing their fingers and cussing at me. The youngsters were laughing at me and said I looked like a frozen mummy. Taking the taxi was doubly hard. I didn't realize I endlessly reminded the driver to slow down. Seated at the back, held the front seat's headrest, closed my eyes, said a lot of prayers for safey when we passed other vehicles or swerved on curves.
I almost cut short my vacation but I couldn't tell my parents. However, when I went beach swimming, ate my favorite dish kinilaw and met close friends and relatives, my nervousness faded away. That's only a month's vacation. Certainly, it's a lot different when I'll be there to retire for good!
Hi Jul – Oh boy, your comment reminds me of a lot of other experiences that Feyma had, and some that she still has! I will write more about those, and encourage Feyma to write about them too. I'm glad that your nervousness faded after you were able to relax at the beach! And, I'm glad that you didn't have to cut short your vacation! It sounds like you are like Feyma – did a lot of maturing and growth in the States!
hi bob, i can relate to this posting, i really can. i dont know if its a commonplace thing, there in the phils, but, when we were last there, my wife had a similar thing happen to her, she tried to re-kindle old frienships, but to no avail, people were very cold to her, she was very upset about it, but quickly recovered, and started to make new friends. i think they were a little frightened by her "westerness".
i am sure that she will be fine, if only we can make the move !
once again, a great post.
ian
Hi Ian – I am sorry to hear about Myrna's trouble in rekindling friendships, but I certainly do understand it. Good luck to you and Myrna!
Many of the things that have been mentioned confirm my thinking that when Filipinos return to the Philippines, with or without a foreign husband, they should probably settle in a new place, not where they grew up. If they do as Feyma and Bob did when they finally decided to put an end to relatives camping in their house, they will be resented. If they continue to let them camp there, the wife will be constantly torn between two loyalties; wanting to be alone and knowing it is also hard on her husband, and wanting to please her family. I think a house full of relatives is what eventually drives many foreign husbands to begin drinking at 8 am.
Culturally, it is actually frowned upon to get ahead. There is a 'leveling' factor at work whereby the person who has gotten ahead must benefit the people who are not so blessed, until they are all level again. You see this when a person gets a new or better job and his family and barkada require a 'blow out' party as a 'thanksgiving.' They will go into debt for such an event to meet local expectations and it will often negate the pay increase for months. Everyone benefited from that persons change in circumstances except the one who got ahead. If they refuse to do this, they are labeled 'kiripot' (stingy) and proud.
I listen to my poor friends talk about their balikbayan relatives. The girl who sells herself in Japan is a local hero if she brings everyone expensive bags, and the one who has made a good life for herself and her children, and only brings chocolate is distained. I have Filipino friends in the States who have not come home for over 15 years because they just cannot meet the expectations of their families in the pasalobong department. Sayang!
For we who have come to the Philippines as foreigners, it is very different. In every way we adapt to the culture and meet cultural expectations, we are praised. But for the people like Feyma, and others returning to live here after years abroad, it is a different story. All the cultural expectations await them, they are supposed to fit right back into their same place in society, but as someone who has gotten advantages that are supposed to benefit everyone. Really difficult! some cave in and try to meet all those expectations and others will just say 'forget it" and be what they have become. But they do pay a price, and it hurts to be thought of as proud when you know in your heart you are not proud and that you have indeed helped many of your relatives.
So my advice is to live someplace different. Then, you can still be just a visitor who comes from time to time bringing gifts.
AmericanLola – Your words are very wise! You indeed are like a wise Lola who sits on the front porch and hands down her wisdom to those willing to accept it! 🙂
Seriously, your words indeed are true, and they are something for people to think about if they plan to move here. The thing is that for somebody like Feyma or another Filipina who moves back near the family, no matter how much they give, it is never considered enough. We do give to family members, but we give to those whom we carefully select and think they will use the money wisely. Even then, we have been burned as we have freely shared here. Indeed, it was very hard on Feyma to be in the middle. I know that in her mind she wanted to side with me. In her heart, though, she had been trained throughout her childhood to share and give, then give some more. She had been trained to house relatives that she never knew and let them stay as long as they wanted, and eat whatever they chose from our cabinets. How can somebody like Feyma make a choice between her heart and her mind? In the end, moving away was the best solution. We are still close enough that visits are not out of the question, just not every day!
HOW right u are there bob and i think she says it all for the rest off us ok god bless her…..peter martin tassie
Thanks, Peter.
hi
i agree with both americanlola and bob in this. its true that no matter how hard it is for a filipina to work abroad, she CANNOT do enough for her family! this is why, when we move over to the phils, we are going to where WE want to live, LAGUNA ! i had to have words one time, when my wife's nanay told her "you dont do enough for us", that didnt make me any friends, but it had to be done.
americanlola, you remind me of my own grandma, wise and compassionate.
welcome to the blog.
ian
Hi Ian – You are making the right move by following your desire of where to live (with your wife's, of course). Living in the vicinity of the in-laws is setting yourself up for a huge problem.
Hi Bob,
I fully understood Feyma's sentiments on adjusting to Filipino way of life. I guess one of the things that Feyma has a difficulty on adjusting with is the Filipino Time. That's one of the things that I advocate to my family and closefriends… that if they want to set an appointment with somebody especially foreigners or balikbayan (like Feyma), be sure they come exactly on time or even a little bit advance to the time being set. It's so disappointing when people showed up late on appointments without any valid reason(s) of being late. It would be a good topic to discuss in the future why Filipinos (not all) tend to arrive late on appointments – business or pleasure.
Definitely experiencing deja vu with the many examples in everyone's comments, so I guess I'm on the right bus. 😉
The first few visits back home were always met with ourstretched arms–mostly palms up–with expectations that our pasabolong included the harvest of the $$ trees in the back yard. If expectations weren't met, bad times followed.
We learned to throw a large "we're sure happy to be back with our family" party within 48 hours of arriving, usually arranging the party details with trusted friends prior to flying. Two pigs, a cow, two goats, all the trimmings, plenty of beverages (adult and kiddie), and endless all-night video-kareoke are a small price to pay for making sure that eveyone feels important and that they were missed.
One big hit at these parties is the kids' pasabolong dance – having all the kids dance on the makeshift dance floor, then walking among them and tossing a couple of P100 notes into the air here and there as they dance. Those catching (or grabbing) a note have to leave the dance floor while the others continue until everyone has a note or two.
Can't forget the endless supply of aluminum foil for take-aways: these foil wrapped packets are most important as they are the polite notices of the party being over.
Some family members will never get over their resentment (can't think of a kinder word to use) of their balikbayan Sis being the "world traveller" with many possessions while they remained in the Phils without the glitz. Soothing those hurt hearts will take years, so expecting some family problems goes with the territory. Even seemingly harmless activities can be used to get back at Sis. One, in our case, was my wife taking stock of the refrigerator contents and making a list for replenishment shopping. A sour sibling saw her, and immediately began stirring trouble with other relatives who were staying with us "for a little while." The accusation was, "She's so stingy, she's counting the hot dogs left in the refrigerator and complaining that we are eating all of HER food!" A trip to a grocery store in the provicial capital (with 12 family members packed into the van) later that day to buy more food for all staying with us disproved the claim to all, but the sting of the slur took months to soothe.
Last item: something that works on a visit, but most likely will not after the retirement move, is learning how to be mobile. Being conveniently away visiting other relatives or friends, taking a trip to see some sights or visiting a resort, or some other reason for not being at home (with no known expected time of return) can help provide that needed private time. Being a little devious doesn't feel quite right, but feels a lot better than climbing the walls without any privacy!
Knowing that adjustment will be difficult helps out. Emy and I rely on each other to help ease our adjusting. 🙂
Hi Bob this post for Feyma I am thinkink also my wife have the
same problem with her relatives the last year 2007 if are we visit philippines for 2 month.
Hi Americanlola I agree you write very good.
Hi Paul and also you write exactly.
Hi Teng – Yes, Filipino Time is another big challenge, and it's also something that we've discussed extensively on this blog. It's hard to adjust back to Filipino time after getting used to being on time or early for everything!
Hi Paul – very good thoughts! You have a lot of good things to say there. Knowing to expect difficulty is half the fight!
Hi zois – A 2 month visit isn't long enough to really appreciate the way it is, but it gives you a taste!
Good Day All:
Well this puts things in a different light to see. Gives me a whole different perspective about the whole thing!!!
Hi Wayne – Just curious, from what you wrote, it would seem that you find it surprising. I am wondering, what parts surprise you about the story?
Hi Bob:
It was not the story per say. It just puts the plans that I was developing in a completely different light. Jo Parents are land owners and I was looking to settle on some really nice beach property in her home town. She was not in favor of that at all. She related many of the things that you stated but in true Filipina way never mentioned about the stress it would put on her. Before we married she spent three years in Taiwan working. Prior to that she had left the province and attended high school and university in Cebu.
With the depiction that strongly comes across in your story not only is settling in her home town out of the question I am reevaluating the whole idea of retiring there. Returning was never Jo's idea to begin with. I was the one that thought about it and was doing the research to establish the feasibility, and up until that I had been able to find and answer to every question. Even the part about people always wanting help which I was not against and had developed a plan for. The thing I never understood was the pressure and stress this would put on her. I love her to much to do that to her. That is one of the benefits of studding something before you undertake it, and I love to study, plan and then execute that plan.
Hi Wayne – thanks for going into more detail. I appreciate hearing your thoughts. Personally, I don't feel you would need to ditch your entire plan, just re-adjust, choose another destination, etc. Of course, it is up to you and Jo to decide what is best, though.
Thanks again.
Hi Bob:
You are most likely correct. Thank you. I just had a very strong reaction to this story. It just brought home so many things that Jo had been saying, I realized just how much I was screwing up and it cut deep. It was most likely an over reaction, which I have been known to do on a rare occasion.:wink: So we are talking it over and we will see where it goes. Thanks Again & Take Care.
Wayne
Wayne, I so much appreciated what you wrote about what you learned. It blesses me no end to see how much you love and cherish your wife, and when you see how to do it better, you immediately take it to heart. She is really blessed, and I am sure she knows it.
American Lola:
Thank you; I am humbled by your graciousness.
hello
I guess i can really relate on this. Personality i am still re-adjusting to what they say Filipino culture. But honestly i do not have any idea at lot because i left Philippines when I was 6. and now married to a British guy here in Baguio City…hummm problems are everywhere. Most of the time locals would accuse me of being racist or being big-headed when things here really difficult to be understood. People would talk to you in their local dialects but when you say sorry please i do not have idea on what you are saying then they will laugh at you and tell you you forgot your native language when in fact i never had a chance to use it in the states since i went there when i was 6. Then because i am brown and of course Filipino in all looks…people thinks that why cant i understand the culture but how can i when i never had any chance to experience it in the states. I choose Baguio to settle down hoping people are more open-minded to balikbayans like me but i guess i am totaly stranger in here. I do not think i really belong here. But where i could really fit-in? America? but how about my husband who is not from America.England? but things are so much high in there. What we both want is to settle down here and be like other couples. But i think it is not possible.:cry: I wanted to learn how to adjust but i guess i do not have any group to join in. My life here is really sad coz i do not have Filipino friends-i am scared that i will be labelled again as racist. But i am so much willing to be with Filipinos since i felt like i've been lost. How i wish you all guys are in here inBaguio…Alot of foreigners inhere married to Filipinas…but most of them are not like Feyme and I. Most wives here are from bars. I do not want to be racist but of course i need to be affliated with good people from a good family (not rich ok but from families with good morals). Yeah i guess there are somme here but age gap…oh decades away from me. I am 28 and most wives here from good past are on their 60's then those who are same age as me…from bars so how….
Please give more advice.
Hi Charlene – I understand your feelings, and I feel for you. I know how hard it is, because of a visitor that we had some years ago. This particular guy who visited us is half Filipino, half American, but he looks fully Filipino. Before coming to visit, he had only been in the Philippines a couple of times before, and that was when he was a child. He understood no tagalog or any other Philippine Language. He did not understand the culture at all either. I knew more about the Philippines, and how to speak Bisaya than he did on either. However, if we would go out together, people would always cut me some slack because I am a foreigner, but they would hold him to Filipino standards or culture, if you know what I mean. It was hard on him, and I could see that. If this fellow would go out alone, he never could understand what people would say to him, because they would speak to him in Bisaya, and he couldn't understand. Usually, he would call up Feyma on his cellphone and let her talk to the person, then interpret for him. It was real hard on him. He came here planning to stay for the long term. He ended up going home after only a few months.
Hang in there, Charlene. It will get easier, I promise!
thank so very much. I really envy most people here especially other Filipinas who grew up in the Philippines andmarried white guys atleast they have all the idea on whta is going on-not like me-just need to smile and later i would ask somebody to translate every back to me. People expect more thimgs on me because i Am Filipino in looks more than my husband. But they disclosed that idea where i grew up and what culture i had. More even will say if you are in Rome act like a Roman. Good though but how would i act such thing if i do not have any idea of what it is all about. I pity my husband more than I pity myself. I guess all the troubles we had now is because of me not knowing my own country-and my countrymen. We have lost hundreds of Pounds by dealing with peopple and my husband would trust on me coz i am brown…but beacuse being ignorant of the culture, language and everything we ended up losing money-many being ripped-off without me understanding it. But i know not all are like that. aybe i am just so lucky:oops: being the victimized all the time. That is why i said to my husband i wont go out no more-I wont speak no more nor even make my self involve in any thing…but as a wife…i must be but i need wise advises coz no family of mine neither are here. We are both stranger in a foreign and that wanting to have a good fortune.
Hi Charlene – You know… my policy in my life here is that when you walk through the doors of my house, it is for all intents and purposes, like going into America. I am an American, and in my house I live American culture, the way I grew up. I don't try to act as a Filipino in my house. For my Filipino friends, they know and respect the fact that in my house, they are kind of entering my culture. When I go out in public, I do my very best to honor Filipino culture. If I encounter something that I don't understand I tend to just keep quiet and go with the flow. I've been here long enough that I don't often encounter situations that I don't understand, but occasionally I do.
I encourage you to do that too. Since your husband is British, and you grew up in the States, you and your husband probably have developed your own sub-culture (I know that my wife and I have our own culture which is neither fully American or fully Filipino). If you are in your home, live by your culture that is developed in your relationship. When you go out, try your best to understand. When you don't understand, just be quiet and observe how others are acting. I know this is harder for you than for me, because by observing you, people feel that you are Filipino, when culturally you are not.
Another thing I would like to encourage is this – try to find a good Filipino friend. Find a buddy that you can hang out with. Somebody who knows the culture here, but doesn't care that you don't fit the mold. If you find somebody like this that you can hang out with, I think it will help you immensely, because she can also teach you the things you want and need to know for the future. Maybe somebody who is a Filipina who has returned from abroad would be perfect. That kind of person can see the Philippine side of culture, and also see your side as well, and can help smooth the difference and help you move more toward the middle when you are out in public.
If you were to locate to Davao, as you have indicated a desire to possibly do, I feel that Feyma is the kind of person who could assist you like what I mentioned in the previous paragraph.
Hi Charlene,
Bob is right, move to Davao where you'll be with real friends! Feyma is a real wonderful lady, very warm and caring and I'm sure she'll welcome you with open arms! 🙂
When I come to visit, we can hang out together. Sorry but I'm no longer 28, although I can act like one! 😉 When I ask my husband how old I am, he says "26!" See what I mean? 😆
I will be very glad bob. Like i said earlier very soon i am closing down my business here in Baguio and start all over again in Davao. I do not say that Baguio is not a good place for foreigners but maybe my husband and I really cannot fit in here. And as we move in there we will take all our hopes and pray for a better future there with people like you guys that are very true and very much to welcome outiders like us. Your site is very good and well manage. I hope people like me would see this so it will be a great help for them. Antway i recommended this to all my friends back in the US and UK who are also planning to live here and retire.
Cheers!
Thanks Tina. Am really looking forward to transfer there and be with people like you. I really loved to die here in the Philippines but as I see my life now, it keeps me wondering why here? But i know new place with right people will help me enjoy life here. As what my dad used to tell me before-life is not about candies and cherries. I am trying to close my business as soonest as it will be so before christmas-before giving birth(also) i will be in a great place for my children, my husband and my business.
God bless
Hi Charlene- Gosh I really felt for you. Bob was right you reminded me of our friend that came here supposed to be to stay here for a long time, but ended up staying just less than 2 months. He can't handle it here.
Tina was right I can help you when you guys decides to stay here in Davao. Then when Tina comes for a visit we can hang out too with her.
If you want to talk you can e-mail me privately and I can give you my cellphone number. Don't hesitate to contact me. Hope to see you soon…
I am a Filipina married to an American and currently we're living in the USA. We also have plans to relocate to the Philippines in the near future. But I disagree with the statement that "all Filipinas have a hard time re-adjusting when going back to the Philippines." I can't say I don't like to live in America. I have also enjoyed my life here gaining a lot of insights and learning experience but I love the Philippines more than any place on earth. And I know I will never have a hard time re-adjusting when we relocate there. I am sure because just last April, I went back to the Philippines for a 2-month vacation, after 7 years away from home. My vacation was so wonderful and it was a refreshing experience. I would love to stay there much longer however I have to go back to the US where my present job is and my husband is. My family doesn't consider me "different" because I'm still the same old person they knew–nothing changed in me. My friends are still my friends and people who have looked down on me in the past still look down on me. And because I don't expect the Philippines to be as convenient and efficent as much as America, I didn't have any trouble adjusting myself in the Philippines. Afterall, it's my home country—-it is "always ofrever in my nature" so it just comes so easy and naturally to be back in my "own skin" again . I guess if you don't expect too much of the Philippines in comparison to the US, and don't show off being "American", I guess Filipinas like us relocating back home, will never have a problem. The only thing I encounter differently is that when I used American terms and they find it strikingly odd , funny or amusing. Like when I say "we went shoppping" and they atold me "Good for you, you always shop" and I explained to them "shopping" can mean just "going to the grocery" , "buy food", "buy soap" , "buy books" , etc. Filipinos embrace a meaning to shopping different than Americans –to Filipinos , shopping is "shopping like you go to the mall and shop til you drop". Then also they asked me to speak in American -accented English which is really funny. And when I gave them an example, they thought I sounded American but here in America, Americans say my English has an accent.
As I've said, Filipinas relocating back to the Phils., should never have any expectations of the Philippines being comparable to American standards and don't show your being "American". Then you'll never have a problem re-adjusting.
Hi Bing – Gee, it seems like you didn't read the article that I wrote before commenting. I just did a search and the words "all Filipinas" never appeared in the article. I didn't write about "all Filipinas" as you say, I wrote about my wife, and I wrote about other couples that I have encountered. There is no way to calssify "all" of any class of people, because everybody is different.
I simply do not believe that a 2 month vacation could even begin to show you what it is like living in a place. That's just my view.
Frankly, I find it insulting for you to imply that my wife was "showing off being American." That is simply not true, and since you did not witness that, it is simply wrong for you to make such a judgment.
Hey , I don't mean your wife. Why you're so sensitive? Did I ever say it was your wife or even imply that your wife is "like this or like that". I don't even know her so why would I criticize for something I don't even know.I didn't even mention a name there or imply that is your wife. I was suggesting as a a "general" rule —-not as something only meant for your wife. And my 2-month vacation is enough to make me decide I will come back and stay there for good w/ my husband. In fact that stay made me want to come back to the Phils. immediately because I feel "more " at home at my own "hometown"—which is also Davao City. (My family lives in Central Park, Bangkal). I just simply love my hometown —Davao City , and I would like to come back again and again and I would never never never find it hard or difficult to "re-adjust" because "what is there to adjust anyway?" —I'm a Davaoena and people know me that I've never changed no matter where I go. And also because there is nothing to re-adjust unless I have expectations. I'm like you, "I don't care what other people will say"—if they find me too Western or too American, so what? Do I have to let that sink down on me and steal my joy?" Please do not find it insulting for I never direct it to your wife. I had read your other posts and you said "all the Filipinas you encountered" or "met"—-(sorry I did not mention the word "encountered" or" met" ). And as a response, I said , "not all Filipinas" but I did not say you are totally wrong in your observation because you were basing it on your "personal" experience with these Filipinas you encountered/met. I just disagreed on the basis of my own experience and my Auntie's experience. Hey I forgot, my Auntie had moved back to Davao to retire there in Samal Island since 2004 and she had never any difficulty re-adjusting except according to her "too hot", "manic drivers" and " trash /garbage that are just dumped everywhere" but other than that , she wants to stay there forever. For me, the only thing I can say that can be difficult for me is the "extreme heat "(maybe because I lived in a state where the winter is the most bitter and cold all year long), and the "public bathrooms" which (most of them) don't have TP's nor soaps nor paper towels. Besides that, everything is fine with me as much as the same degree you find Davao just as fine.
Honestly, I enjoy reading your posts and it's quite helpful and informative. But one thing I have to say, is that PROBABLY you are too sensitive . Or were you just carelessly reading my comment?
I am sorry if that comment made you feel that way but it was never meant to offend you nor pick on your wife. Re-read it and you will note that it's a "general suggestion to all Filipinas who want to relocate". Please be careful in reading comments too. Have a blessed week!
Bing – Since I was writing specifically about my wife, it seemed natural that your comments were related to what I wrote. If I misinterpreted what you said, I am sorry for that too. I do hope that you are able to achieve your goal of returning to Davao!
I know you were writing about your wife—which was the Subject of your post, but it doesn't mean that your readers will comment only about your wife. I know I am not a good writer but I took Journalism and Creative Writing classes,and I learned that there are so many elements that support a Subject in a write-up. Such as the "experiences", "happenings/events", "emotions", "thoughts", "causes", etc., that constitutes as to why "it", "he/she" was the Subject. Your readers may comment about how brilliantly you write about it or how badly you write. Your readers may comment about the feelings of the subject or they may comment on the "happenings/events" of the subject , or the readers may relate the subject's experiences to their own experiences, or the readers may suggest some alternatives or recommendations, etc. It's like reading "Da Vinci Code". Some people were shocked about the subject, some people were disgusted about the way Catholicism is portrayed, or some people had commented about the incomplete, biased, inconclusive, and hyporcitical research of Dan Brown, and some just dissed his writing abilities. Another example is "Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt" written by Anne Rice. Readers were shocked to see Rice's transformation from goth to spiritual, some readers commented about her fictional writing about Jesus, some commented on how she portrayed child Jesus as a little human being with his human emotions, some commented on Mary's agony of seeing her son being "different" from other kids, etc.
What I'm trying to point out here is that I just commented on her (your wife) experience in contrast to my own experience and somehow I tried to share a "recommendation/suggestion" to alleviate the difficulties of re-adjusting to your readers who might want to relocate to the Phils. That's all there is to it. Not even in my wildest imagination that I intend to insult, offend nor provoke you and your wife.
Thanks so much for this informative and helpful blog but I guess I'm so scared to rub you off in the wrong way again whenever I comment about your posts. So , this is my last comment and also last visit on your blog.
More success in your endeavors and God bless you and your family!
last post august 2007, i think i am late…but i just finish to read it and i want just to say what i think: i enjoy to read people’s own experiences, i do understand that doesn’t mean the same will happen to my wife. We will see when ever we go back there, but now we re in the phase like making her son to come and stay with us but one day we will go back but like i always say, it will be max 5 months a years, So after reading this port it will make me look and study my wife when we go back.
But now my curiosity…I know since 2007 a lots of thing happened to your wife and to you also. There are some questions , for both of you, only if it is alright.
1) How long it takes you to really feel and confortable after you were back?
2) What was the hardiest thing to get used to?
3) How long it takes for your family to understand your needs about privacy?
4) Did you finally make the contact again with your old friends ?
5) Is your family and friend accepted your husband easily?
6) If you can return in the past, will you make it the same way you did?
7) Will you go back to stay in the States tomorow?
8) What do you miss the most from the U.S.
9) Be honnest here, what do you hate the most from Philippines?
10) And you Bob, do you miss your native land?
Sorry to respond to an old post but i am just curious…curiosity is my femine part lol
My answers to your questions, Lolo56:
1) I would say it took 5 years.
2) Hard to say. Probably just the culture overall. I have written more than 2,000 articles on this site, and those should give a good look into my likes and dislikes here.
3) Probably a year or so, I’d say.
4) I assume this question is for Feyma.
5) I assume this question is for Feyma. My answer would be that some of her friends were accepting of me, others were not.
6) I would do it all over again. This time, I’d know more about what I would be facing. When we came here there were no sites like this to help us understand the challenges.
7) No, I would not go back to the States. I have no desire to go there.
8) Hard to say, I really don’t miss anything too much, to be honest. Perhaps some types of foods that are not available here, but frankly, I’m already over that.
9) There are plenty of things I dislike here. I would say that there is nothing I “hate,” that is too hostile of a word. I dislike the litter here. I dislike the noise. Overall, though, I love living here.
10) Honestly, no, I don’t miss it. From time to time there might be something that I miss, but not often.
Hope this helps, Lolo56. Not sure why you would be “sorry” to reply to an old post… we enjoy participation on all posts, old or new.
Bob, you are truly amazing. And quite the magician. Every time I think I’ve read most of the articles in LiP…out pops another!
This one really gives me new insight as to what to watch for this March (when we exercise my 1/12 retirement). I’ve always known that Tina is not as gung-ho to live there permanently, as I am. She recently passed the point where she has lived in Nevada longer than she lived in the RP. I doubt whether I’ll ever fully comprehend the nuances of her plight, so I’ll let her set the time table. Then she gets to decide when my whining outweighs her side of the family’s whining. Poor girl.
Hi Mike – I am glad that you found the article helpful. This is an issue that few people realize exists. Just be there for her and help her with the adjustment! She will make it if she is committed to do so!
I have lived in Canada for most of my adult life and I can say that I’m more western in thought, attitude and behavior. I’ve worked, married, raised children, managed the 8 homes we have lived in, run a business, participated actively in my community, travelled the world. In other words, been there done that. When time came to retire, the decision to live in the Philippines came after much thought and research. Although I’ve been away 45 years, I have never been far from our Filipino culture, in fact I speak Cebuano better after few years living abroad. I returned home every 3 to 5 years and have helped my parents educate my 13 siblings successfully.
My Canadian husband did not want to even visit the Philippines again after 2 short visits. He found everything unpleasant. The heat, poverty, crowds, noise and pollution, etc. He leaves and I stay behind to spend more time with family. That is when I came upon a beautiful beachfront property. I became obsessed with the idea of building our retirement home. The rest is history. Now he loves it here ..Me? I look and speak Filipino but the locals treat me like a foreigner, which I find amusing. The only adjustment I have to make is the logistics of doing things, accepting the way things are done here and be open minded about people. We live in a small town, away from relatives but have gained a lot of friends. I believe that I have shed off the cultural shackles of conforming to expectations of others. One way to avoid stress.
Congratulations, dessie. It sounds like you are well on the way to an enjoyable life!
Thank you Bob. We are enjoying our retirement. My husband is truly at home here now and considers Canada just a nice place to visit. I spend my time volunteering at just about anything our town could use my help for: medical missions, childrens feeding, helping out at the tourism office, helping find sponsors for indigent scholars, etc. Life is good.
dessie,
I’d be interested to hear more of your story, should you ever see this.
My wife and I are thinking of moving back to the PI to retire. If I may ask, what part of Canada were you in and in what part of the PI did you end up?