Zosima Bayoy, or “Osing” is Feyma’s Mom. I call her Mama, or “Ma” most of the time. Ma is nearly 80 years old now, and her health is not good, but over the 17 years of my marriage to Feyma, I have known Ma during many years of good health. Mama speaks virtually no English at all. Of course she knows a few words, but that’s about it, she’s certainly not able to make a sentence in English. Over most of our marriage, I have known virtually no Bisaya (OK, ok…. I knew most of the bad words!). This means that Mama and I have, over the years, not been able to communicate verbally with each other much at all.
But, there are other ways to communicate without words. Somehow, over the years, Mama and I have actually been pretty close to each other. We have a way of using body language, hand gestures, and a common respect for each other that allows us each to know that we are valued by the other. Even if words have not been exchanged much of the time, we knew what each other felt and wanted to say.
I can remember back in the early 90’s when Feyma and I had been married only a few years. Whenever we would travel to GenSan to visit the family there, Mama and I would always have a nice time together. Back in those days, Mama really enjoyed raising animals. There was a vacant field across the street from the family house, and Mama used that field to raise her animals. One of my most vivid memories during this time is when Mama and I would go over to that field, almost daily, and she would show me her pigs. She had some big pigs for breeding, and a lot of piglets that she would raise, fatten and sell for food. She was so proud of those pigs, and it showed. When Mama and I would go over and check out those pigs and her other animals, we would go alone. No interpreter to get in the way, we were able to communicate non-verbally anyway! And, I think we both enjoyed having some time alone together.
It’s funny, because in my family, Feyma has always been a favorite. They love Feyma so much. I often tease that if Feyma and I were to be divorced, I would be out of my family, and they would take in Feyma instead. I think there is some truth in that little joke too! Funny thing is, though, that Feyma’s family is like that with me. If has ever been a dispute between Feyma and I (as all marriages have over the years), Feyma’s family is always on my side (of course, my family is on her side!).
I never got to know Feyma’s father that well, because he died only a few years after we were married, and I only got to see him during our wedding time, and on one other trip. Even during those two visits, though, he was already quite sick, and obviously getting near death. In my short time of knowing Papa, though, I knew he was a good man.
Nowadays, Ma is getting old and frail. Sometimes she is even unable to walk. She has suffered many strokes. I like to have her stay here at our place in Davao, because she can get good care here, and eat a healthy diet. When she stays with us, she is always in a little better health because of it. But, Mama likes to be on the farm, in Patag, Sarangani. She longs for the place, and we can’t keep her away from there. Last time that she came here and stayed for a few months, she suddenly told us that she needed to get back to the farm. There was just something about the way that she said it, and her determination to get back there…. I asked her “Ma, are you going to be with Papa?” She replied, “Yes, I will see Papa soon.” No further words were needed, we both understood what that conversation meant. That’s been a few months ago, though, and she is still hanging in there. While you never wish death on anybody, I do feel that Mama is at the point where she is ready for that, and when it happens, I do wish her well. I hope it is just a new chapter in her life with Papa, and they will be happy for eternity.
What a lovely story, Bob. You know for years and years now I've been dealing with non-Filipinos coming here to the Philippines to live and they always. always. always seem to be "spring-loaded" into the trouble position regarding their in-laws. I'm sure there are a few true horror stories, but in my own experience I think one of the most delightful "hidden bonuses" that ca,e along with my lovely wife has been her family, especially "Momma and Daddy". My own mom and dad have been gone for years now, and I've gotten a "second helping" and it's been great … Momma and Daddy are one of the main reasons we live were we do right now … and it wasn't really Mita's choice to move here, close to them, it was at least as much my decision.
Mita wrote a nice little piece on Momma Bessie here: http://www.mitams.com/
My father-in-law, Leonardo, known to all as "Nards" is a character too … he knows more about the Philippines than the average Filipino, in his former work for the Central Bank he's one of the few who have visited every single province in the Philippines.
They both started school under the US flag back before WWII so they speak excellent English … and boy do we have some happy "tale-telling" sessions at their house sometimes. I love them both and I am so glad to have the "loan" of a second set of parents.
Hi Dave – Thanks for your nice comment. I am also happy for you that you had a second chance to have that Mom & Dad that have entered your life and brought you happiness. I just went over and read Mita's blog entry about her mom, it's very nice too. It sounds like your Mom has a good doctor who is taking good care of her.
All the best of health to your Parents-in-law! 🙂
Bob,
Great post! I guess love doesn't really need a language to express it. By the way, is your own mom still there with you?
Rmada
Bob,
You are fortunate, you have been with Feyma and her family longer than I have with Elena.
I met her mom the first and only time last Christmas. Sure, at times Elena would put her mom on cam and she would wave to me, but that is it.
Unfortunately Elena's mom was very ill last Christmas, for over a year she has suffered from many strokes and Alzheimer's too.
By the time I arrived, her mom was mostly bedridden and could not speak.
But, I have one nice story.
A while back, Elena mentioned, if we ever traveled to Europe and Italy, She would love to get her mom a souvenir from the Vatican. Well, when I decided to visit for Christmas, I looked online and found a Vatican gift site. I ordered her mom a silver disc with the Nativity, and a Angel. I figured the nativity was good being Christmas and the angel was to replace Her Angel Elena.
Well the day I arrived, while talking to her mom, Momma Rose started crying. I was told it was because she was frustrated for not being able to speak, but I felt so bad that I caused her crying, I decided to give Momma Rosa her gift early. When Elena and her brother explained to her, the medals came from the Vatican, and showed the card for each that they were blessed by the Pope, her mom would look up and hold the medals i her fingers. Elena told me her mom would always hold the medals and look up.
So, I am happy, with just a short time left in her momma life, she passed away early February. I was able to fulfill a dream.
Hi rmada – Yes, my Mom will be here for about a week still, before headed home.
Hi Bruce – I remember hearing from you while you visited about giving those Vatican blessed items to Elena's mother. It's a touching story,and I am sure that Momma Rose really was touched by that! Very nice!
Hi Bob,
I was touched by this post. It shows that there is no need for words in any good relationship. I am sure that Mama knows that you are a good husband to her daughter, a good father to her grandchildren and that’s good enough for her. It is sad that you cannot have a conversation with her as I’m sure you’ll have a lot to talk and laugh about. She and the kids talk since they speak Cebuano, right? Is she back in Patag?
It’s funny, when Ken and I got married, my parents warned me that if anything went wrong with our marriage, it would surely be my fault. I found out later that Ken’s parents said the same thing to him, that it would surely be his fault if something went wrong. I guess this made us stick together as we realized that we can’t run home to Mom & Dad. It worked! – 16 years and counting… 😉
I honestly cannot relate to stories of monster-in-laws. Fortunately, I am blessed with in-laws who love me and who I love in return. Sometimes I wonder if we’re a minority in this regard. I am very thankful for this and have never taken it for granted. From your and Feyma’s stories, I can see that we’re both blessed.
Please say hello to Mama for me. I hope to meet her next time I visit.
Good post, Bob!
Hi Tina – I'm glad that you enjoyed the post. Actually, I do have some short conversations with Mama these days, since I can speak a bit of Bisaya, and there are also plenty of people around to interpret for me. But, Mama is not in good health, so she doesn't even talk much anymore.
Mama is actually in General Santos right now, at the house of one of Feyma's sisters. I know that she is longing to get back to Patag, though, she just loves to be at the farm.
You know, for about 3 to 4 years now, every time that Mama goes back to GenSan or Patag after visiting Davao, we always feel that it is our last time to see her, as she is so frail. She keeps hanging in there, though. She is one tough cookie! I wouldn't want to get her upset or be on her wrong side! 😆
Bob, You've touched my heart with your loving narrative and brought back memories of a friend's stories of his family growing up in Nueva Ecija during the war and through the Fifties. They had pigs too, but the children knew Mom's favorites were her chickens.
You have a beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Karen
Hi Karen – Thank you so much for your nice comment. For Mama, I think her favorite of her various animals are her Geese, which she really enjoys.
Hi Bob
You have a similar experience with your Mother in law as I have. I think she is great and she thinks I am wonderful! (:-)) She has been twice now to stay with us here in UK and really enjoyed herself. My Father in law was a really good man but unfortunately he died in 2003. He was a real friend. We all still miss him very much. I know there are people with negative stories about Filipino in-laws, but I think we have been very lucky. Keep up the good work Bob.
See you in December
Malcolm
Hi Bob- Like you I have a very good relationship with my mother-in-law I am lucky in so much that she is still in good health. Next year April she will be 80 and a big birthday party is planned and I'm looking forward to attending it.
Communication with my mother-in-law has never been a problem for me as she was a school teacher all of her working life, she even visited us here in the UK back in the mid 90's and we took her every where with us even to Holland,Germany and Austria to visit her sister.
I did ask her only last year if she would come back one more time to the UK for a holiday but the thought of sitting on a plane for 12 hours turns her off the idea.
I lost my parents when I was relatively you my Dad when I was 11 and Mum when I was 18 years old and I can honestly say I have enjoyed having my mother-in-law around so much so that she resides four houses down the street from our retiral house and I'm not complaining as we pop in to see her every morning as part of our barangay walk route, thats if she is in residence as she still enjoys visiting her own family relatives in Iloilo and Manilia as well as Bohol. I have to admire her independance.I can honestly say in the 20 plus years I have known her I have never see her loose her temper or show anger, I have seen her hurt but thats a mothers privelage.
Like you Bob I'm lucky to have a wife I truly love and a mother-in-law that I respect and enjoy having. Now there are not many guy's who can boast about that.
Hi Malcolm – It sounds like we have each had similar experiences with out in-laws. Congratulations for that!
Hi Jim – I never was able to bring Mama to the States for a visit. Too many visa problems, and also by the time I could have gotten her there, she was already too old to travel comfortably.
Hi Bob,
This article prompted me to reply because I started to reminisce about my mother-in-law. I may not have that cultural divide you have with your mother-in-law, but I was raised in a family very very much different from my in-laws.
If you remember, my wife and I flew back to Davao late last year to spend time with my wife's mom who was becoming very ill by then. Life's too short to choose daily worklife over spending quality time with your loved ones (but sometimes we forget this and choose the former over the latter).
I am glad we went and made my mother-in-law's final days easier for her.There were no surprises and in a way, everyone was at peace with themselves. I also learned a lot about life just witnessing everything.
She was truly a fun person to be with. Not once did I feel unwelcome when she was around (even before I married her daughter), always making me feel that she enjoyed my company.
Thanks for the article.
Hi Bob,
I agree that Mama is one tough cookie. I can see that from the picture. Now I know who Feyma took after! 😆
I can say that Ken has a good relationship with my parents. Every time we go to visit and I want to travel somewhere else, Ken always reminds me that the reason we go to the Philippines is to be with my parents. They have long conversations over morning coffee on the porch watching the sunrise over Mt. Apo, which continues on to breakfast. Really nice! We really treasure these visits as both my parents are in their 80's (my dad, 88 and my mom, 85). We are truly blessed, Bob.
Hi Macky – I do remember that you came to spend time with your wife's mother. The way you write, it seems that she already passed away, but it's not clear. Is that the case? If so, please accept my condolences and pass that along to your wife as well. If I am mistaken, I am sorry to have even mentioned it.
Hi Tina – Yes, I admit that I live a blessed life! There are so many blessings in my life, I could not even begin to count them all. The morning coffee and good conversation watching Mt. Apo as the sun rises sound like a wonderful way to start the day, and I can certainly understand why Ken enjoys that so much!
Hello Bob – a very touching post.. it reminded me of my great grand mother – yes great grand mother..(she died when i was 22yrs old) but I was already outside Phils. I was still new to my job then, and was not able to get home for her burial because dont have enough money to buy a round trip ticket.. I always remember her – who loves us very very much..
I am sure your Mama will surely feel the love & care you have given to her and to your wife/family..God bless you all.
Hi marygrace – Like you, when Feyma's father died, she was unable to come home for the funeral. We had recently visited here and did not have much money at the time. Also, we had a very young baby, and he was sick, and not able to travel.
Myself, I believe that attending a funeral like that is not the most important thing. It is more important to remember your loved one and think of them often. I believe that the person who died would not really care if you were unable to be at the funeral as long as your reason is a good one.
Love of My family members is the the greatest thing I have ever experienced with my Family over to the Philippines. Life is so difficult for most of them and it is hard to understand at times for me. So , like you
I Have given all my love and help to them, with hope that I can lessen the burden of every day life for them.. my father in law past just this july he was eighty seven and and I loved him dearly. My wife and I spent Last Dec. with him and my brother in laws Family who live at our house at Zaragga,Iloilo. Rose and I kind of figured this would be his last b-day so we went all out and it was A wonderful experience to live. You see He was A WWII vetran and I A Vietnam Vet. and we swapped may good stories in the time I spent with him ,I thank God he knew English very well.and enjoyed his company and now miss him A great deal. Thank You for your story and always ask yourself this question IS THIS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?? I do and I can't remember ever regreting at all…
Hi Bob,
Yes, you are right, my mother in law passed away not long after I flew back to the States (my wife stayed a couple months longer). Thanks for the kind words. Everything went smoothly considering the circumstances. I wanted to make sure to reinforce your words about the importance of family.
Hi Bob – Congratulations on finding such a nice relationship with your in-laws, particularly with your Father in law. It's great that the two of you could develop a nice relationship and trade notes about your war experiences.
Hi Macky – again, sorry to hear about your mother in law. It sounds, though, like she and the family were all ready for what happened. It's nice that you and your wife were able to say goodbye.
What wonderful responses have come in on this thread … I really appreciate reading about other's who have had similar relationships with their in-laws.
Another thing I've learned from my "married" family is a real sense of closeness. Just recently daddy's elder sister (and the last of his siblings) passed away and I got introduced to the whole funeral home/graveside ceremony/visitation process. In my experience, when someone passes away in the US it's often a little perfunctory process … again, my experience only. Here, the number of people who show up and the sincerity of their good byes was humbling.
There's a different definition of family here than at least some of us are accustomed to. If the loss of a family member comes (as it will at times to all of us), do not pass up the chance to actively participate … don't feel shy because you're the foreigner, you didn't know the person that that well, etc., all the natural excuses that come to mind … join in the process, it's been an eye-opener for me.
Hi Dave Starr – Yes indeed, we have had a nice discussion on this. Death in the Philippines (like most other things) is a totally different experience for those left behind than back in the States. I don't even feel qualified to write about it, as my experience dealing with the death of family members is limited. I think I will ask Feyma to write about that, as it is something that really should be discussed.