This is not an easy article for me to write. Sometimes bad things happen, and some bad things happened in my household last week. I would prefer not to write about the incident, but I feel that the information is valuable for readers of this site, so I will write about it as best I can. I don’t aim to hurt people’s feelings with this article, but some people may feel bad about having this put into writing. For anybody who feels badly about that, I am sorry for hurting your feelings. I will not name anybody’s name, though, so that should offer you some solace.
Last week, I believe it was on Tuesday, we found out some rather bad information. It turned out that my nephew, who lives with us, had been involved in a relationship with our maid, who also lived with us. Each of these people are in their 20’s, so there was no problem as far as any age of consent issues or anything like that, but other issues had to be considered.
For the girl, she was our maid. As such, she was our employee. My nephew is a member of the family, and as such he is sort of an employer of the maid. I mean, he is not really the employer in that he does not pay the maid, but as a relative of the employer and member of the household, he has some status as an employer, in my opinion. An employee and an employer should not be involved in a relationship, especially a physical relationship.
I have no intention of going into details of this relationship. I will not be saying “he did this” or “she did that.” No, all of those sordid details are firstly private, but also not relevant to the discussion that we will have here.
Instead, I want to look at what Feyma and I did, how the situation was handled, etc., and also the cultural aspects of the incident.
Culturally, a maid is sort of “under the protection” of her employers. The employer is there to look after the well being of the helper. Make sure that no injury comes to her. Make sure that she is treated in a moral way. These statements are particularly true if the maid or helper is a minor. A maid who is a minor presents special problems for an employer, because you are not only her employer, but in many ways you must also act as a parent to the girl (or boy, if that is the case). In this situation, though, we do not need to be concerned, because the girl is an adult.
After talking with the parties involved, listening to them, explaining to them that what they had done was wrong, etc., we all came to an agreement of what would happen. The girl decided that she wanted to go home. She is not from Davao, but rather from the Province, a few hours from Davao. Our nephew elected to stay at our house for now, although I can’t be sure what the future will hold.
Our biggest concern on this, and a big reason why an employer should never have a physical relationship with a helper, was that if the girl was embarrassed at what she had done, she may decide to claim that she was forced into the relationship, or raped. I mean, having a “employer” stake in this, it would be plausible that if the girl claimed that this had happened, it would be believable. The girl was very straightforward to us that she had participated willingly, but what if her story changed?
During all of the conversations, we had invited an outsider, non family member, to sit in and listen, so that we had a witness of the events. In addition, this outsider was able to sit down with the maid in private and talk with her to hear her story. So, this way, somebody other than a family member would be able to make an account of what had been said.
At one point, the maid began to get a little defensive, angry, and such. At this point, I became rather worried. One of the worries that Feyma and I shared was that when the maid went home to the Provinces, her family may encourage her to “go after” us, because “foreigners have money” if you know what I mean. They may encourage her to change her story, claim rape or being forced into it, and then offer to be quiet in exchange for money. So, when the maid began to voice a little anger, I told her that she was free to leave in the morning, but that before she left, we would make a visit to the Department of Labor and she could make a statement of what had happened, and that she had been treated fairly at our house. Furthermore, that she had voluntarily become involved with my nephew.
The maid was obviously not happy that she would have to submit such a statement. She was concerned about her reputation, because she did not want to publicly admit to being involved in a such a way. Here in the Philippines, although such things happen, they are rarely admitted publicly because it is scandalous. So, we reached an agreement with the maid. She would not have to go to the Department of Labor, however, she would sit down with that same outside party and write down a statement on paper, which she would sign, and the other person would sign as a witness. We would not be present when she wrote her statement, so that she felt no pressure from us.
This was agreeable, and the maid wrote and signed her statement. It reads out exactly as things happened, and blames nobody for the events. I am happy with that, and I do not feel that there is any way now that Feyma and I could be held liable for what occurred.
The lessons here are several:
- Do not get involved romantically or sexually with an employee.
- Always protect yourself. Have people there who can witness critical conversations. Get written statements from people and make sure they are signed.
- Treat your employees with respect and kindness. You never know when they will suddenly have something that they can hold over your head, and if you have not treated them well, things could go badly for you.
- Supervise closely what happens in your house. If you don’t, you may pay the price for something which you didn’t even know was happening.
Over the years that I have lived in the Philippines, I have known several expats who claimed to me that they were sexually involved with their household helpers. I always cringe when I hear this. It is not a good idea, and in my opinion should be avoided by all means. If it is a sexual relationship that you are looking for, there are plenty of such opportunities in the Philippines. You don’t need to use your helpers for that.
As of now, it appears that this unfortuante event has come to an end. I hope that we have heard the end of it, anyway, because I don’t think that any further word on this would be any good news! So, I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed.
Hi Bob – Yes, "fraternization" between management & labor has always led to nothing but problems. Had those confrontations with seniors and juniors while in the service, and never acquired the taste for it.
You did well, indeed. If the family comes after you and you need help, I'll be down on the next flight with my bolo. I'm getting pretty good at taking the toes of my enemy! 😀
Hi Bob,
The old adage "Never mix Business with Pleasure" comes to mind.
regards Chas.
Hi Paul – I think I have the situation pretty well under control now. But, if anything pops up unexpectedly, I'll keep your services in mind!
No doubt on that one, my friend!
Hmmm. While I lived in Saudi, I had a Filipina maid who sometimes had a need for extra money, and on those occasions I often gave her an advance, sometimes a couple of months pay, and made it all very clear the date when she would be due to start being paid again etc, all marked on the calendar etc. Sometimes, she seemed to suggest that she could offer alternative/additional services as a way of repaying the money, which I always ignored. As you say, plenty of other opportunities rather than creating complications.
Your story, however, makes me feel somewhat sorry for this girl involved; after all she has lost her job and her livelihood, which has somehow to be explained to her family. And she has been sat down in front of people and been made to admit, more or less publicly, that she has been bonking your nephew. Frankly, that's a hell of an ordeal, and a hell of an invasion of her privacy too, which, were I her Father, would take a great deal of explaining to me. But I guess you know the circumstances in more detail, and the people involved too, and I'm sure that you considered other options as well, but it kinda seems like the nephew gets off rather lightly from the gist of your story. We also have to remember that neither of them did anything wrong, in reality, other than to create potential awkwardness if the relationship went sour.
I do understand that you also have to protect yourselves from potential issues certainly, but it all seems to be a mountain out of a molehill. Perhaps I have much to learn about Filipino Culture yet!
Hope it all works out anyway.
mayongbuntag bob
wow a sticky situation was brought to you and fayma by your nephew i see here.mmm your very smart to get statments and such evidence in case there might be trouble in the near future.i would not have thought of that really bob.so im interested in the future of your nephew in your houshold there.it seems that if the helper is going home then the nephew should also return home for his actions.for they are both equal in this situation..am i correct?if your nephew has no regard for your family then should he be trusted in the future? this does raise alot of questions for sure.
just my opinion my friend.
salamat my friend
Hi Jim – Let me just clarify one thing…. the only reason that we came to know what was going on was that the girl told my niece. And, any discussion was not "public" but rather only with Feyma and I, and this outside person (who is also already known to the maid). Nothing was done in a way to embarrass the girl. But, when things are happening with an employee, and happening under your own roof, you really do need to know what was going on. Believe me, the nephew has not gotten off lightly at all. As I said in the article, I did not discuss the entire thing on my article, but mainly focused on how we took steps to make sure that this did not come back to bite us in the future.
They did nothing wrong? The relationship between a live-in maid and people of similar age in a Philippine household is a brother/sister relationship. Also, they did not have permission to use our house as a love den. What if my kids had witnessed it? Frankly, I think that what they did was 100% wrong.
If you think that this is a molehill, Jim, you are right… you have a lot of learning to do when it comes to Philippine Culture and also about employer/employee issues. Sorry, I don't mean to be critical, just backing up what you say yourself.
Hi RonW – A couple of things… firstly, we did not force the girl to leave. We did not fire her. She chose to quit and go home. We are not finished dealing with my nephew. I have given him certain instructions on what he needs to do now. As I said in the article, I did not write this to lay out what he did, what she did, etc, but rather to show some steps that may be of interest to others who need to protect themselves from legal issues, money issues, etc.
ahhhh i see your point my friend.i can see how easily a physical thing can happen between employer and employee could devolop.you handled this very well bob.kind of a loaded article for sure.
i know you will get alot of different feedback on this one.
salamat bob
Hi Ron – I'm sure that there will be plenty of opinions. My main point is that each of us should take steps to protect ourselves from future ramifications. Thanks for commenting.
Morning Bob,
Seems you have covered most bases as best as you can in the circumstances but you also know how things can get turned around and taken out of all proportion if people want to twist things. Even in the west, I had a signed, sworn and witnessed statutory declaration (by being sworn as well as just being signed and witnessed it was of the highest level) and is was worth nothing whatsoever to me in court because if at that time the person making the statement is not prepared to stand up in court and agree with it then you cannot present it as evidence. So at the end of the day you still rely on goodwill and lots of luck. It can be stressful when you know you can not relax completely for the next year or two!
Bob, Never a dull moment is there. I do think you should have your nephew leave your home as he has shown disrespect to you and your family as well as putting you in an awkward position with the girls family
I read last week that a korean expat was killed in Davao for accusing his maid of stealing from him by her father wonder what your maids father is going to do to your nephew when he finds out about what happened to his daughter he is sure to get an altered story of the situation and he may come looking for your nephew and hold you accountable not uncommon here
Hope it all works out for you
Tom / Roxas City
Hi AussieLee – Good morning to you, or I guess it's mid-day there in Oz! Yeah, I know what you mean that witness statements can get twisted around and such. I don't expect that to happen on this, but you just never know for sure.
Hi Tom – We are not finished dealing with my nephew, there will still be consequences for him to face. You are very right that a situation like this can lead to severe consequences for us as the employer – both legal and illegal consequences.
Good poin Tom,
In the sense that people twist things when they inform others just to make it easier for themselves. Two examples I have experienced are, first, a woman ran into my car once and only caused minor damage but went home and told her husband a completely different story. Luckily he believed me when he spoke to me on the phone. Second, I booted a girlfriend out once and over the next few weeks she told everyone that she left of her own accord rather then being booted out for outrageous behaviour!
Hi AussieLee – People are funny in that way, don't you think?
Bob,
Unfortunately many men think with the head in their pants. Good thing you heard about it early and took the steps to protect yourself, your family and all involved.
I have heard of a man that touched a maids breast and had to pay her 20,000 pesos to stop her from charging him.
Hi Bruce – I have talked to so many expats who tell me that they are doing this or that with their maids… frankly, I think it's sick. And, they seem to be proud of it! 😯
Kamusta ka Bob,
Well, is a bad situation all around, but you have seemed to handle this the right way. As far as any problems coming from the girls family, you'll just have to see what happens, but she is an adult and knew the consequences of her actions, at least I assume she did.
But you did what you had to do, in case any reprocussions come back at you, and aside from the employer/employee aspect of it, you have children in that house to think about too.
I would guess you will have a lot of people look at this the wrong way, and think to themselves, "so what these two were messing around, there adults, there of age, two consenting adults", but the point of this story, is that this happened in the Philippines where things are different, not the USA, UK, Australia or some other Western country, where this might be more acceptable. One thing that you have taught me Bob is, "You have to think like you live in the Philippines, not just live there, and compare it with the way things were in the USA or whatever country you come from".
One more great cultural lesson and information for us "green horns".
Good job Bob and Feyma…and good luck with that.
Salamat kaayo,ug ingatz,
Danny 🙂
Hi Danny – Well, it was very unfortunate that it happened this way. For those who have the feeling that "they are adults, consented, did nothing wrong" and such….. (I am not talking about you) – think of it like this. If you hired somebody to come to your house and clean the carpets, and then you found that the carpet cleaner had stopped working but was having relations with your daughter in her bedroom… would that be wrong? Probably not!
Bob,
You and I know, there are many men who think from the wrong head. Also many foreigners this of the Philippines as an Adult Disneyland.
I agree with you. We both believe in Monogamy but many men, both Foreigner and Filipino are proud of their escapades.
Hi Bruce – For me, this isn't even a monogamy issue, rather an employer/employee issue. If you (not you, Bruce, you in general) want to play around go get a real partner, not your employee.
Bob,
You and I know, there are many men who think from the wrong head. Also many foreigners think of the Philippines as an Adult Disneyland.
I agree with you. We both believe in Monogamy but many men, both Foreigner and Filipino are proud of their escapades.
Bob,
I agree for both parties. An employee should be safe at their job with no pressures for anything outside their scope of work and for the employer for law suits.
I always believe "Do not dip your pen in the company ink"
…or to look at it this way, what if you hire someone as househelp and in the process start a physical relationship with her… remember that this person is still being paid & the lines get blurred at what exactly you are paying for.
at what point is this prostitution or exploitation? that may not be the intention, but you also begin to question's how the employer views women. person or commodity?
i know this is slightly off the point since it is your nephew who is the transgressor. i am thinking more line with the other employers that you have mentioned.
sticky subject (especially given, as you say, that some readers may be offended), but i commend you for tackling this important point.
please excuse the typos. i hope my message still came through.
Hi Bruce – Yep… I like that saying about the ink!
Hi macky – My main concern about offending people is for the people directly involved, and their family members. And, I have spoken with some involved and explained that my article was not intended to be offensive to them, and I think they understand that.
You are so right that the issues are staggering when a situation like this gets started. And, not good at all!
Hi Bob,
Sorry to hear about this. I suspect it will not have repercussions. Sounds like you dealt with it quickly, directly and honestly. That's the best a human can do. I also understand that this put you in a corner…no easy way out of this one…family involved and concerns for the welfare of the employee. Just a tough thing to have to deal with.
But, I agree that you have to deal with it and you did. I agree with your ethical judgments here, btw. Nobody can fault you for that.
Richard
Very Dangerous indeed for you and your nephew. Glad you made your way out of it. The Philippines is a very sensitive country. Too sensitive and young in maturity in my opinion but regardless of what we think about inadequacies and frustrations this fledgling culture causes so many of us here we are still guests and must hold our tongues.
Never sleep or have a relationship with the help
Never insult a Filipino to their face
Never talk politics in the open
All great reasons to find yourself in jail or deported. Just accept the country for the many faults it has or leave because it isn't going to get better anytime soon especially among the uneducated.
Hi Richard – Thanks for your concern. I believe that we did our best to deal with this without sweeping it under the rug, or blaming anybody involved. Just – "OK, it happened, now let's take care of the situation." I feel that we have avoided repercussions, we'll only know in time, though.
Hi Bill – Thanks for your comment. The three "Nevers" that you mentioned are all very, very correct. I can't say that I've been 100% in line on all three of them, but I do my best.
hi bob, we had a simular kind of story along the lines of being from the us.one of my brother in laws was stabed in the neck by our house boys brothers. they were drunk at the time and the house boy and his brother bouth tried to hurt my brother in law. we dont know all of the details but any way when it was all over the mother of the house boy brought it to court mind you that the house boy and his brother were about 30 years of age. and she was the one telling the story that her boys were hurt. any way when it was juged the truth came out that it was the other way around. but all of that still cost money just to prove it. i was shocked how easy it was in the philippines to make a case against someone. and if that some one didnt have money that they mite be in trouble even it wasnt there falt .
Hi Jerry – Yes, it is very easy for somebody here to bring a case, and often it is all twisted, just trying to get some money out of the other party (foreigner or Filipino). But, the good thing is that although it might cost some money to defend one's self, it is certainly a lot less than it would be back in the USA. I'm glad it worked out for you!
i gess what i was getting at bob is regardless of her age and regardless of her permission i think her family could bring this to court on there own./ thats what happend to us.
your rite bob, i wish you luck,take care
Hi jerry – I suppose it could happen. I wouldn't expect it, though. Firstly, I don't think the family would even know who we were or where to find us, unless the girl told them. Secondly, it would end up bringing shame on the girl.
Hi Jerry – Thank you, my friend.
Bob, i totally agree w/ u, you have children in the house and they should respect that, i am an employee myself and i know my limitation, if i wanted to have some fun or whatever i would probably do it outside my boss territory and in my own time and rest from my job and if ever my niece/ nephew or any member of my family do that kind of thing in my own house i would probably kicked them out of my house…..
This is a sensitive case and i commend you for handling it well and protecting yourself and your family incase something come up….
Thank you, wildcat. I mean, I understand that the helper is also a human who has certain needs or desires. But, your words are exactly correct for me – do it on your time and in a place other than your workplace. Anyway, as of now, I am pretty happy how it all worked out. I just hope it stays that way!
It sounds like there was no Love involved?? If there was Love involved I think it should be handled in a different way…Otherwise…you have handled the situation as best you could…
Hi Lenny – At first they both attested that they loved each other, but as time passed and we kept talking, love was less and less of a factor. It became obvious that it was more of a recreational thing….
Sounds like you pretty much covered all your bases and i commend you for having the insight and patience to deal with the issue in a manner not offensive to those involved .
Not sure how my wife and i would have handled something like that as i let her deal with helper issues . I don't think i would ever hire someone not of legal age however though realizing these people were not under age .
Hi Alan – I let Feyma almost exclusively handle the help too. In this case, I felt that I needed to step in, though, and I think it was appropriate to do so.
In the past, there have been several times when we have had under-aged helpers. However, after this incident, and some other information that I now know (like what Rusty wrote about last week), both Feyma and I agree that we also would never hire under-aged helpers anymore. As a matter of fact, if we decide to have a maid again, we are in agreement that we'll be looking for somebody a little more "senior," if you know what I mean! 😉
Bob:
You hit upon a nerve here with me.
Just by writing this article in a public forum you also document your actions.
You were absolutely justified by your response. I get tired of hearing idiotic expats rambling on about women and so on. They look at it as some sort of game or joke. Additionally, after my time in the Middle East and knowing Becky's experiences there(Her first job in Kuwait. Starvation diet, imprisonment in a compound, unpaid wages after resisting unwelcome sexual advances), my respect for people who sleep with household help is Nil… I actually look at it as abuse. They get what they have coming to them.
Yes, I've heard the stories about women taking jobs to find husbands. It has been my observation, more often than not, that it usually is the other way around that is the real problem. I simply know of too many instances of maids in Arab households, passports confiscated, unpaid, and completely helpless.
As to your Nephew and the maid, their biggest mistake was having a relationship under your roof. Adults, consentual, and all that… but take the adult consequences… Somebody moves or somebody loses their job. If they were in love or something, or had come to you and Feyma, you may have been able to work something out. But by sneaking around and exposing you to liability or worse… a childish response and deserving of consequences.
Hi John – Your last paragraph is so true! (Not saying the others aren't). What you say, though, is exactly what we told the two. "If you had a desire to be in relationship with each other, you should have come to us, and we could have all worked out what would be best." But, like you say, they snuck around behind our backs, in a childish way. Well, I am the type of person that feels like we all make mistakes, and like you say, there are consequences for those mistakes. I am not mad at them (although I was at first, of course), but let's just do this or that to make it better, and move on.
Thanks for your comment, John. It's never a dull moment! 🙂
Well well Bob
I think you handled everything just right.
I can;t think of a thing more that you could have done before she left to protect yourself.
As for yon nephew… he might have to look over his shoulder for awhile but that in it;s self is not such a bad thing. Maybe a little fear will help him keep it in his pants when he thinks about it the next time.
Good for you….
btw a great piece of writing on your part…..
Regards
Tyleen
Hi Tyleen – Thanks… I hope that everything is all settled up now!
My goodness Bob, you have actually become Filipino!!:-)
I was actually looking at the situation from the perspective that in the West, YOU would probably have been in a very great deal of legal trouble for what you did.
Consequently, I think that this is an issue surrounding which could be a lot of cultural learning for potential Philippine dwellers.
Bob,I am wondering is it possible to find maids in their early 50's?
Hi Jim – Ha ha… it's kind of funny. What you are saying is that in the west I could get in legal problems for what I did after the problem occurred. Here I could get into legal problems for the event itself, but not for what happened afterwards! Ha ha… I agree that this is a cultural minefield on this topic! 😀
Hi Joe – It is possible, but more difficult than finding a young maid. I mean, there are lots of teenage girls who want to work as a maid. Finding a lady in her 50's would be difficult, but still possible.
Hi Bob,
You seem to be upset by the action of your nephew. Well, send the nephew to the village where the girl lives and he ask her to marry him. Problem solved. Even if she says no, it would put you off the hook.
Hi markus – Hmm… I am not sure why you think I'm upset. I think what my nephew did was wrong, but I am not angry or upset. He made a mistake, as did the maid. Making other mistakes would not correct the original one. Problem? What problem? As far as I'm concerned the situation has been dealt with. Hook? What "hook" am I on? I didn't know I was on any hook.
Bob,
A very sticky situation you are in, for sure. A few things about this are really scary. Even with the steps you took to, hopefully, protect your self from further recourse, you may find that it is not enough.
You mentioned that the maid's family wouldn't know who you were or where to find you but, by your own admission, you are very well known in your region. I can't believe that a helpers family would not know where she was working. Being that it is a very serious thing that happened, and if the family wanted to lessen the shame, they most certainly would want to put the blame somewhere else. The boy's family would most likely be the target. Which might mean you. Or, the boy's immediate family.
The Daniel Smith case comes to mind.
I know in the area I am in, if something like that were to happen, the family would think of retaliation first and court case last. You, being the rich one may curtail the family from pursuing a court case in fear of not having the funds to win but, they may want some kind of compensation, as you will be considered the one responsible for allowing this thing to happen(not that I think you are).
One of my wife's aunts had a problem similar to yours and the uncles reaction was, "If the fruit is bad of the tree….cut down the tree". You've been here long enough to know that sometimes family problems are dealt with in some of the most bizarre ways.
I certainly hope the actions you have already taken will be the end of it but, I wouldn't get complacent about it, yet.
Hi Jim! I'm inclined to agree w/ you on this one. Very thoughtful of you to think of the girl's ituation.
Bob was just being a bit victorian, IMHO. This awkward situation has happened to most households who have employed help. My kumare caught her husband w/ the help. The funny thing is she didn't fire her immediately. She waited till she found a replacement. Bob, this is more common than you think but ok, I give it to you that it doesn't make it right.
Some resulted in marriage. For the most part, a source of jokes. Since both parties were both in their 20s, I would think they are just having fun. I hope lightning won't strike on me for saying that.
Hi Francisco – I can't argue with a thing you said. I have said many times when replying to other comments that I hope that the situation is now resolved, but I can't be certain yet that it is. Yes, I am well known among certain communities here, but I would doubt that it would include her family, they would, in my opinion, have no idea who I am. They have never met me or been to our house. I'm not going to go into how we came into contact with the girl originally, but it was not in a way that anybody in her family would know us.
Anyway, of course I am mindful that the situation may not be completely resolved yet. I think that it is, but I can't be certain at this time.
Hi roy – I fully agree that they were just having fun. But, they were having fun in my house, with my kid present in the house. Fun is ok, but do it somewhere else, not my house.
Hello Bob. I spoke with Marlou about this and she smiled and nodded her head. She told me a story about her former mother in law that might have some merit. The mother in law told Marlou to only hire maids that were not attractive to keep the men in the house away. This of course isn't fair to a decent maid that is attractive but I can see the reasoning. When I was in the Marine Corps we had the opportunity to bring into our unit an extremely beautiful female Sergeant. My CO decided she was not a good fit. His reasoning was that she would be too tempting for all of us. He was right as she went to a different unit and had an affair with that CO and they both were forced out of the Marine Corps and two marriages ended. I had a wise CO. Good Luck with this as you move forward.
Hi Ron – Nice to hear from you. I hope that you and Marlou are doing well. Thanks for your advice on this and the story about the Marine Sergeant. It sounds like the CO made the right call!
Kudos Bob, you did the right thing. For as long as the maid is not pregnant, an adult, you have witnesses then you are relatively OK. If you knew the maid and the maid behavior is acceptable, you won't get in trouble. The maid also did a great disservice to you. She can sue you nephew but not you.
The other scenario, if both of them loved each other then your nephew has to go and leave somewhere else but if its only a tryst he crossed the line. He crossed the line bothways.
I suggest that your nephew learn a lesson big time!! He put you and Feyma in a quandary, although it is not you responsibility he is in your roof and must follow the rules of the household. He crossed that line so he deserve som sort of punishment and warn him.
Toting
In one of your previosu posts you mentioned a nephew who worked for you as a driver or some such. Is this the same one? The reason I ask is because if he received remuneration of some kind (school tuition, wages, room abd board), that would make him your employee also, regardless of whether or not he is related to you. Don't misunderstand, I fully agree you acted appropriately but from a legal perspective your liability in this case would be somewhat limited.
To be fully safe, I'd recommend you fire your nephew (assuming he has an employee relationship) and have him move. Even if he isn't paid, you would still be better off having him move. This would re-enforce to authorities the degree to which you disapproved of his behavior.
Hi Toting – Thanks for your suggestions. Both the maid and nephew were wrong in their actions, and I agree on that. What a big mistake!
Hi David – Given the sensitive nature of the subject, I don't want to identify my nephew further. Suffice it to say that I have a lot of nephews, and I may or may not have written about this nephew in the past.
I do appreciate your input, though.
Hi Bob
It's been a while hasn't it! When I was in Cebu last year I had met a british man would had similar problems with a maid. He was sexually involved with her…but eventually got a girlfriend. Not the smartest thing he had done, but the maid left and reported some "stories" to the authorities. The ONLY reason he is not in trouble is because he knew the person that was told the stories. I have know idea what has happened now, however, I fully agree with points 1 to 4. My wife always told me that family are better than strangers…I tend to agree after your story.
Take care now
Hi Jason – Yeah, it's been a while, I hope you are doing well. Yeah, that guy in Cebu that you mention, he could have been in a world of trouble. That is not a good situation to get yourself into! Best to keep business and pleasure separated.
Bob, have you heard of the saying "Do not pee in your backyard"? This is similar to Bruce quote above about dipping into your own ink well. Maayong gab-i!
You are getting so good in your Bisaya! Let's see if you could translate this Ilonggo joke. Nothing personal, just a quote!
"Dugay ka na guid sa Amerika( or Manila), tonto ka man guihapon!"
Hi David – Hmm… "you are really already a long time in America (or Manila), … (not sure on second part). I don't know what "tonto" is, so I can't really figure out that last part. Ha ha…
Bob you are correct on the first part. The word "tonto" has a lot of meanings depending on the context of the sentence. It could mean, dumb, silly, fool, idiot but in a milder way. It is a coloquial word in Ilonggo, "meant to be a joke" in the context of the sentence above
"You have been in America or (Manila) for a long time now, but you still have not learn anything at all (or you are still dumb, or you are still a fool, or you still act stupid….etc")…. So the word "tonto", has a lot of meanings. May I hear comments from any Ilonggo readers in this web magazine!
Hi David – Ha ha… I don't think we use that "tonto" here in our area at all, I never heard of it. If it was used here, people would have been calling me that already, so I would know about it! 😉
Putting all legalities aside. Since they are both adults, and if they both like each other, the best thing for both of them(especially for the girl) is to get them married.
This in my opinion will solve all complications for the present and for the future
Hi May – Actually, you don't know the details on this, so I understand your comment, but the truth is that there is no love involved (I never said there was). After discussion, the two decided that they didn't want to get married. So, this is really not the topic of the post anyway, it is, instead, about how the situation was handled, not about the activities of the parties.
Hi Sir BoB, no need to reply champ, just my two Bobs worth. I know you took the right course of action. Even though they were two consenting adults, they did not have your consent to behave in the manner that they did in your house.
Human sexual relationships can be sweet one moment and can turn sour soon after. Best to nip it in the bud as you did. Good lesson for all of us.
Hi Boss – I don't mind replying.. it's what I do! 😆 Yeah, for me, I think Feyma and I did what we had to do. I wish the whole thing had just not happened, but it did, and it had to be dealt with.
Hi Bob, am enjoying the book very much and will be back in Zamboanga del norte in Sept. I had a little incident with my gf's family which brought up all kinds of red flags for me, I have been very cautious of every little thing I say or do, because I am so ingnorant of the nuances of the culture that one can only learn from experience, anyway my gf, has a big family and many of the brothers and sisters are jealous of my gf because of her relationship with me and the relationship with her parents, I too have a good relationship with them, but the jealousy thing got out of hand from all the back biting as they call it, I started getting emails from someone telling me how my gf was a traitor and she was with somebody else etc. needless to say this was just a nightmare to deal with however we did get things straightened out, but I have to admit that I think of serious conseqences of what jealousy can do in the Philippines and would it be safe for me to return, relative to your situation I know you did the right thing, you may get away with that as it was stated in western countries but not in the Philippines. morals and eithics go along ways there but it can also come up short when things get spun and conviluted on the way to a court decision, pretty scary, thanks for all you do Bob, besure to tell your nephew not to crap where the family eats or the fertilization will hit the ventilation, take care always
Hi Larry – Thanks for commenting, and I am happy that you are enjoying the book. I hope your situation with your gf and her family works out, just keep working at it, and I am sure it will be OK.
Did your maid have her own time and a place other than her workplace, or was she in your house 24/7?
She had times when she could go home to visit parents, or do whatever she wanted.
***Sorry guys and gals I did not know where to put this so I placed it in this forum PROTECTING YOURSELF…seemed appropriate area to get an answer**
Hi, 1st I want to give congrats and best wishes to the newly weds. The right person is the key to happiness in the Philippines.
On the other side I need some specific steps and answers about how to get an annullment/divorce in the Philippines. I ended up in one of those "lied to or caught in some honey trap by the wife in order to finance the family, or to be a walking ATM for all emergencies" type of relationships….that also had some hidden ex-boyfriends that have been denied to the limit.
In my case the woman had left the country for about a year after we were split up and now apparently returned. (married in 2006 and split up in mid 2007, then she went outside country to work and hide from family members). I have been together with someone who is my one and only with no doubt for a year now. We want to get married but I need to annull the first marriage of course.
How do I do that…what are the steps…and is there a cost effective and expediante way.
Hi Lee – Are you Filipino? If you are not Filipino, you do not need to get a divorce in the Philippines, you can get one in your home country. Doing it in the Philippines is a big hassle (annulment – there is no divorce here), expensive, and takes years, even decades.
By the way, if you are legally married, and are involved with a different person, that is illegal in the Philippines, and could actually land you in jail, or even worse. Better take care of one before you move into the next one.