May of 2000, we moved to the Philippines. We had planned this move for years, and finally it was happening. This was a time of great excitement in my life. Oh, it was exciting for my wife, Feyma, too, but probably more exciting for me, I would say. Feyma had not really wanted to move back to the Philippines, but did so because I had a strong desire to do so. I wanted to move to the Philippines for various reasons. Some reasons were good reasons, and ended up proving themselves out. Other reasons turned out to be pipe dreams that never came to fruition. All in all, the move to the Philippines was a good move for us, but that does not mean that everything went smoothly over the years.
Stepping off of the plane
We flew into Manila, as most people do. There are a few other ports of entry to the Philippines, but most people fly into Manila. As normal, when I stepped off of the plane, the heat and humidity hit me, and it was very uncomfortable. It was HOT! But, I would soon find out that it really was winter. Oh, it was not winter as far as the weather is concerned, but what I mean is that I was about to experience some tough times. I was about to face some difficulties that I had not experienced previously in my life. I was about to be challenged in way that I did not expect. I was to be put into a situation that I could either succumb to, or that I could overcome, if I had the strength and will to do so.
A few weeks of bliss
When we arrived in our new home, General Santos City, everything was still wonderful. It was still hot, sunny, and all signs said to me that it was summer. Even my personal life was going great. I had only been here for a few weeks, though, I was still in “vacation mode”. Taking some days going to the beach, exploring new places and generally getting to know my new home better. I had been to General Santos, GenSan, many times during the ’90s, but had never lived there. Soon, I would learn that vacationing in a place and living there were two different things.
Nice wad of cash
I came to the Philippines with a nice wad of cash. I had a pretty large amount of savings that was available to me. I had figured that I was probably good for at least 10 years, even if I never earned another dime during that time. Of course, this led to a feeling of comfort, and also complacency. I could go enjoy days at the beach, sit around in the yard doing nothing and such, because I had a nice pile of cash to satisfy all of my needs. After a while, I did decide to do some businesses to try to supplement my savings. I did what I thought I knew how to do, I set up local businesses that earned from the local economy where I lived.
My first mistake was that I put way too much capital into starting businesses. It really ate into my savings. But, I figured that even if I was spending big money, I was using that money to start businesses that would pay off in the long run, so it was an investment, not a waste of money. Well, some of my businesses did OK, some did not do OK. But, the problem is, when I say they did “OK”, remember these were Philippine businesses and did OK by Philippine standards. I mean, at that time, having a business earn $1,000 per month was pretty darn good. But $1,000 per month was not enough to support our family, especially given that we were being wasteful with money, a common expat “disease”.
After about two years, that “ten year supply of money” that I had was pretty much gone. It was to the point where Feyma and I were looking at the situation and realized that we had to take action. Feyma told me that she would look into going to work abroad, or that we could go back to the States. First thing I told her was that the thing about her going to work abroad was just not going to happen. It is my responsibility to provide for the family, and I would not have her working abroad and sending money to us. That just was not even a consideration. Move back to the States? Ha. No way.
So, my plan was that I had to learn how to make real money. No more piddling around. I had to do it, and I had to do it fast. So, I studied and I learned. I learned how to make my money from places outside the Philippines, while living in the Philippines. I developed businesses online that would allow me to earn US style wages while living in the Philippines. My research and hard work was a success, and before long, I was earning a pretty respectable income.
Adjustment
Soon, all of us (me, wife and kids) found out that there was a lot of adjustment to make. Things were so different here than the life we had led in the States. While on vacation, things here looked so “US-like”, but upon living here, we found out that this place was very un-US-like. Even for Feyma, after living in the States for 10 years, she found that she was having a hard time readjusting to life in the Philippines. We knew for sure that we had to adjust, and if we could not adjust, we had to move back to the States. Feyma was constantly wanting to move back. I fought that off, I wanted to make it here. I will say, Feyma had a very difficult time, some of that difficulty was created by me, and I readily admit that. More on that below.
Temptation
If you are a male expat and you move to the Philippines, be prepared to face temptation. I am talking about temptation in the area of girls. Without a doubt, you will be faced with a lot of Filipina girls basically throwing themselves at you. They will offer you anything in an attempt to steal you away from your wife. Of course, not every Filipina will act like this, but there will be plenty of opportunity if that is what you are looking for. For me, I had never been in a situation where I was basically a “hot item” and had my choice. I was happily married, but when you get into a situation where you have so many choices. It can be hard, especially it can be hard on a marriage when this type of situation presents itself.
I made some mistakes along these lines. I gave in to temptation in some ways. I have no need or desire to go into that in detail, but let me just say that I hurt my wife. And, she was right to be hurt. It lead to some rocky times in our marriage. Thankfully, we were able to overcome that, but it took a long time to do so. But, I learned my lesson, and have not repeated those types of mistakes.
I come across a LOT of expats who fall into similar types of trouble. Some of the people I know revel in this and have a lot of fun. Others fight it off. Some make the mistake once or twice, but are than able to overcome this behavior. But, if you are going to move here, you have to know, there will be temptation. You have to learn how to deal with it.
A long winter
So, within a few months after moving here, it was winter in my life. I faced some difficulties. Life was not all beach parties and fun, as I had stupidly envisioned it would be. I would say that for my first 3 years or so of living here, there was a definite chill in the air. For Feyma it was longer than that. Even to this day, I have some days where winter returns to my life and I face difficulties. Know what, though? That is the same no matter where in the world you live. That is why when people say that the Philippines is “paradise”, I always tell them that it is not paradise here. You will face problems just like you do where you live now. Yeah, there are many good things here too, but you won’t ever find a place where there are no problems.
Thankfully, for the most part, I have moved on, and winter is not an issue anymore. As I said, things are not perfect and never will be, but I mostly enjoy life now. I think I’ve figured out how things work here, and I can deal with those winter winds that blow from time to time, and I can also enjoy the warmth in my life that I feel most days. But, you gotta make it through the winter before things heat up a bit and your life is more enjoyable.
Hi bob,
That was a pretty candid article on a very real issue. I commend you on your frankness in addressing a pitfall that too many men get into. Truly it is a difficult temptation to step away from and especially when so many young and pretty women are falling at your feet. I have noticed this also but when I was married I had a Banner made that we used as a decoration at the venue we used for the ceremony and reception. After the weddf
ing, I brought it home and hung it in My living room. It not only brings back memories of that special day, but serves to remind me of what a wonderful woman I have and that she is the most important person in my life. who can ask for more than that and certainly an hour or two of pleasure is not worth the risk of hurting her or worse losing her! I’m Glad that you and Feyma were able to work it out but she will always have a scar on her heart. Good women never completely heal from that kind of hurt.
Hi Joe – Thanks for your comment. Yes, that situation is not something that I am proud of by any means at all. It made for huge problems in my marriage for a while. Thankfully, we overcame it, but like you say, it still leaves a scar, something which I am ashamed of. The only thing that one can do in this situation is to work hard to overcome the pitfall, and move forward if possible.
This is a serious issue that any married man who moves to the Philippines must deal with. It’s no joke, and it can have a deep impact on your life.
Hi Bob,
As a married American woman, the possibilities for having young Filipino paramours are endless, if one were interested.
American women are seen being more of a novelty, and an exciting curiosity. There are already pre-concieved impressions too, (true or not) that men have about American women which add to the equation.
It can be a challenge, just in a different way. One has to think about their priorities though, especially after making the huge decision of moving from one country to the next, and how temptations could possibly be a real life-changer for all involved.
Hi Queenie – You hit the nail on the head when you spoke of thinking of your priorities. I would say that some people move here specifically to partake in the types of temptations I am speaking of. If that is what they are in to, that is their choice. It is not for me, though, I already learned my lesson the hard way.
Bob;
The temptation factor plays a big role in adjusting to living here or most places in Asia. I just saw it happen to a recent arrival, and named it the “Candy Store Syndrome” He came with his stateside Filipina wife and went nuts (His first time out of the states), like a ten year old in the candy store with a one hundred dollar bill, he could now sample it all, not like in the US where it was something you had to work for unless you were movie star handsom or rich. Now the excuses started, as to why he had to be in the Barrio every day, while not inviting his wife. Long story short, he’s shacked up in the Barrio with his new lady, the wife has departed for the states, and the hundred dollar bill is long gone. Hero to zero like a rocket
Hi Paul – The Candy Store analogy is a good one, and I felt like I was in a candy store when I first moved here. I’m glad that I got a little common sense inserted into me and woke up and smelled the coffee. Doing something stupid is not ever a good thing, but some people have to go through it to realize the real meaning of life.
Bob;
My saving grace was that I’d been in and out of Asia for most of my single life (Age 24-50) So I fully understood the pitfalls, by the time I married it was all old hat to me. I started a precedent from the very beginning that Mayang was welcome to be with me when I was in a bar hopping mood. Being a normal Filipina she took me up on it every single time. Being that I was basically a scoundrel at heart (Back then) it worked out fine for both of us.
My Father used to be with the neighbors every Friday night, cocktails and card games at the dining room table. One of the ladies asked my Mother if that made her angry to see her husband do that. My Mother told the woman, its payday, there sits my husband under my watchful eye, would you rather he be out in a bar?
Hi Paul – Your mother was a wise woman! 😉 Why is it that women are also so much wiser than us men?
I have actually followed the same pattern as what you describe. Now, if I am going out for whatever reason, I almost always invite Feyma to come along. Sometimes she does, but usually she just kisses me goodbye, and she is confident that I don’t need somebody to watch my actions. It took a while to get her back to trusting me again.
Bob:
I agree with you and Paul about the candy store analogy.
Given the business that I am in, and the amount of travel, I guess that I’m somewhat immune to the temptation bit nowadays (“been there, done that”… not much I haven’t seen before). Divorce number two for me was largely due to my own carelessness and temptation / lack of willpower.
When we first were married, I quickly realized that jealousy from Becky was the result of a perceived threat… despite often encountering “offerings” all over Asia, this is what Rebecca told me, 100% serious:
“You are a man, and I know when you travel all over. Someday you may slip up. Don’t rub it in my face and don’t get me sick….I’ll be OK. But if it is another Filipina, I’ll kill you.”
Slipping up in Vietnam, or Europe, or anywhere else is not a threat to her…Would she be pissed? Certainly. But death / divorce / etc wouldn’t result. Screwing around in my own back yard where anyone can see it, however, is very much a threat (in her mind… “rubbing it in her face”)
Never mind the fact that were I so disposed, I travel enough that I could be as much of a jerk as I wanted, and really, nobody else would know. (other than me and my own guilty conscience… besides, I’m a terrible liar) Why would I risk anything at home?
That’s really the point. Whether the neighbor’s maid has anything I want or not is irrelevant. Whether I would even consider chatting up the salesgirl is also irrelevant. I’ve learned to “look through” salesgirls, housemaids, and pretty much anyone lacking a twig and berries… The stare where you see, but really don’t see. Those people represent a threat to Rebecca, and as long as they do (and they will forever), I just don’t put myself in a position where my actions could even be remotely called into question.
Hi John – Luckily, I kicked the candy habit! 😉
Interesting statement that Becky made there! I have never heard anything like that from Feyma. Funny thing is, Feyma has never been a jealous type person.
Well said Paul.
Being a dedicated batchelor and philanderer for most of my life it’s old hat to me too 😉
Sure seems like a rerun of me moving here in many respects.
I hear you, Maynard! I think what I experienced is typical for many, many foreigners who move here.
I can honestly say that the content of this article is the one concern I have for myself. I saw first hand while on vacation there how the women tried, with my wife standing at my side, to seduce me away. It was pretty scary, actually, at the level of audacity they had.
I hope to learn from LiP instead of by personal experience on this matter! 🙂
Hi Scott – You are a wise man if you can learn to avoid the temptation. What you witnessed on vacation is only the tip of the iceberg, the long term reality will be so much more. I am not blaming anybody, I can only blaming myself. Good luck to you.
Nice article, Bob! You really opened up to us, your readers. Winter temptation in The Candy Store. I am happy for you and Feyma 🙂
The business you started that earned $1000 a month, WOULD you restart it now and let AJ take over? It would be a nice start for him and maybe he could expand it?
Hi Kevin – No, I would not restart it, because the amount of investment was large, and the payoff just was not worth it. I am working with AJ to build his own niche, and he will do it. He can be much more successful than what that business can do for him.
Thanks for your kind words.
Hi Bob – Well written article. I never realized before I come here that the ladies would think I was spectacular. I am just an average looking guy from Australia. But in the Philippines it feels many girls look at me like some type of god. It is for sure an area that will trip many guys up including self if care isn’t taken in how we conduct ourselves. I often just pretend I don’t notice if girls are giving unusual attention to me. I guess that is the avoidance/ignorance strategy or I just give a quick smile and wave and keep walking. These strategies work well every time.
I know when I visited Angeles City that I had to actually show my wedding ring in situations and then get the girls to read the back engraving as proof I was actually married. Ha ha the girls their wanted proof. That is quite funny. Then they left me alone.
Hi Brenton – Thank you for sharing what you have witnessed too. I have only been to Angeles one time before, and was with my wife at the time. While walking down the street side by side with Feyma, I was propositioned by a girl there. Amazing.
Crazy stuff really when your wife is standing there like that and you get propositioned. Sexual temptation is a struggle for all men anyway, but in the Philippines it is magnified for sure.
Crazy for sure, Brenton! Even if the guy wanted it, do they think he will accept the offer with the wife standing by his side? Crazy!
Bob,
Thanks so much for telling us your story. It’s a testament to your determination to be able to overcome obstacles to become the successful businessman that you are today. I want to think that my maturity will help me avoid such temptation, especially after already going through a prior divorce. Take care and have a nice day
Thank you PapaDuck. Of course, I had to search my soul before writing this article, and decide exactly what to share. I think, though, that I struck the right balance of getting the message across without needing to get into personal details. I also reviewed the article with Feyma before publishing it, as I did not want to cause her embarrassment.
Hi Bob
One of your best articles yet, straight from the heart. I’ve been following you for a number of years, and really enjoy your online magazine, especially the variety of writers you have onboard. I hope to make it over there full time in a couple of years.
I wonder if another word for your winter would be depression?
Thanks again for the entertainment and the education!
Jim T.
Thank you very much, Jim T, I’m glad you enjoyed my article and found it useful. I hope that your dream of coming here soon works out for you.
I did not really get so much depressed, except over my marital issues which I mentioned. But, as far as life here and such, that really did not cause me depression.
i found someone to have a good life with but even as hard as i try to not flirt i still catch myself teasing the girls at the malls as much as they tease me.Whats especially tough is going to get a massage and the young woman asks you if you want a happy ending.Right there i bet alot of guys give in as they basically have been aroused for the last hour.Maybe thats why i dont get massages anymore so to stay away from temtation.
Hi Scott – I enjoy going for a massage. I feel like you can usually figure out which massage places offer the “happy endings” and which do not. But, you are certainly right with what you are saying.
Bob, I really appreciated this article. Not many people will raise this subject. But sometimes, when misunderstandings arise, the temptation affects the wife, rather than the husband. A new-found friend of mine had this happen to him and his child was fathered by another man.
You are so right about investing too much in an unproven business. That’s another temptation. But at least that one had a “happy ending”. 🙂
Hi Joop – Thanks for your comment. On the temptation thing, I think it mostly is men who will give in to the temptation, but it can certainly go the other way too, no doubt.
You are right, the business thing is another type of temptation all together! Oh, if I had not wasted all of that money, imagine the financial shape I’d be in today! 😆
Hi Bob,
Great post! Yes i can say the first time i went to the RP to meet my first filipino wife i had that problem every time i turned around there was another filipino beauty that was better than the first one and it never stopped! Finally i had to say to myself what the hell are you thinking you already have a beautiful filipino woman, Funny thing to my story is my first filipino wife ran off after only a year and half being in the states but when i came back to the RP for my second filipino wife that i have now I didn’t feel the same meaning i didn’t find myself looking and wanting others girls like before? I have a great filipino wife now who i trust with my life and as you know we will being coming to the RP to live out the rest of my days when the time is right, but my wife is scared that when we get there another woman will try to steal me from her. This only goes to show that you don’t have to be a good looking guy to have beautiful women all over you! unlike here in the states . Keep the post coming and I’ll keep reading them!
Thank you Todd, I am glad that you enjoyed my article.
Living here as a married man does needs challenges, you can’t help but to see the beautiful women everywhere you look. But, you have to keep you, priorities straight and do what is right.
hi bob,
you are frank to tell your experience so that those who are planning to go over there to settle will be able to know what is expected of life.
in your case where you are settling here and raise a family, you have to be strong to say no to temptation and family first.
on the otherside of the coin…exprats who come here to retire with no family attachment and where money is not an issue will enjoy life differently.
Yes, of course there is a huge difference between being married and being single. I did not mean to imply otherwise. I was talking only about myself, and I am married.
Another good article Bob,
Being a geezer myself, 69 years old I have no doubts that any interest, (other than the Filipino culture of respecting old age), the pretty young ladies have in me is strictly related to their estimation of how much wealth I may have and how little they may have, and what their families may need. That being said it is flattering and fun to have them talk with me. I pull out a picture of my 21 year old grandson early in the conversation and let them know that I really like them and am looking for another grand daughter. They either lose interest in me very quickly or become friendly in just a friend sort of way. A lot of them would make wonderful grand daughters; wish I could get my grandson to wise up. Now if I were a few years younger I suppose I may have a more difficult time with the temptation. There is certainly a lot of it out there.
Hi BigP – How are you doing? Hope all is well.
Oh, come on, you really think they girls are only interested because of the money? ha ha… you sure are right on that one! 😆
Doing great and enjoying life, thank you.
hi sir bob kumusta na.
Maayo ko, Lilibeth! Kumusta ka?
hi Bob,
i just want to say i find reading the articles in live in the philippines very informative and interesting to learn and you having a successful business and willing to share knowledges very commendable.
Hi Alan – Thank you very much, I appreciate your reading of my articles, and am happy to know that you learn from them.
Great interesting thread. I’m a young single, retired 56 year old Brit, tentatively looking for relocation that would offer a better quality of life with the funds available that don’t go that far over here, not that it’s bad right now. Not looking for anymore notches on the bed post, been there done that, but if the opportunity for a quality relationship came along that might be welcomed! No, I would be looking to add to the dear friends and good times I have in the UK. Are there good fun activities to be experienced, is there a quality social scene (love modern jive dancing, western music, play guitar) are good people to be potential friends there?
Thanks
Chris
Hi Chris – All of the things you say you are looking for are available here. Other things are available here too, things that are not so good. The things that you find just depends on the path that you take. Good luck to you.
Hi Bob,
Interesting and brave article.
Thank you Chas. I hope you found it useful.
Bob,
This is one of the best articles I have read on your site so far. It’s a difficult topic to discuss but much harder to open up and let the readers “see your soul”. Thanks Bob, Live in the Philippines site is a really a cut above the rest. 🙂
Thank you so much, Jonathan. I really appreciate your kind words and am happy to know you enjoy the site.
And we all thought you were perfect Bob, Good to see you are a normal bloke like the rest of us and an honest one to boot, thanks for sharing, I’m sure it makes you and Feyma, your family work harder for your love and goals, cheers, Steve
Nobody is perfect, Steven, especially not me! I do appreciate your kind words, though.
As I am approaching retirement, my asawang babae of 24 years and I are giving serious consideration to a partial retirement to the Philippines. Perhaps 7 months here in Hawai’i and 4-5 months in Philippines. I realize I would quickly tire of the provinces ( family is Ilokano). So, I need to be somewhere near Manila. I have many, many trips to the PI, so I pretty much know what I am getting into.
Until I read your post, I had not considered the issue of female temptation, however. The concept that a bald, fat, 60ish haole would be a hot commodity is somewhat foreign to me. Working through my mid-life crisis (I just recently bought motorcycle, thinking hard about new tatoo) this obviously is a discussion I need to have with her and myself. I would like to say I have enough character to avoid, but your post and subsequent comments give me pause. Best thing in my life was finding her, never want to compromise that. What complicates it is I know she has the common Pinoy attitude. The crime is not the affair, it’s getting caught and not being able to support both households.
Just recently stumbled across your blog. Salamat Po for a place to discuss the joys and tribulations of life in the Philippines.
Hi Steven – It is something to consider, I am sure of that. I know hundreds of expats, and most of them have fallen to this temptation.
Hi Bob and good article, but I have to tell you ….I myself have never had that kind of trouble in the PI with women? I have vacationed for many years 6 or more ,in Manila,Cebu and Davao when I was single, but I have only been approched 1 time by a young woman to ask me if I was interested in meeting a lady? I don’t drink or go to bars so I am not sure if that has anything to do with it? I am married for 9 years now and when when I go back to Davao no women have ever approched me? Maybe I don’t really make time for that as I am usually pretty busy?
Hi Dave – Your experience is certainly different from mine. It is a constant thing. I don’t drink (maybe 1 beer per year), and I have not been in a bar in 30 years. So, it can’t be that. I am sure that I am just as busy as you are.
Hi Bob,
The article is still out there and the comments are not yet closed; I guess I missed it last year.
As the thread evolved to relationships I thought I’d throw in a few of my cents.
Daisy is by nature an immediately jealous person, this is a good thing to me, as ex wife was not, she just didn’t care…
As we walk through a mall a young pretty Philipina will cast me a come hither look and I will glance at her. Daisy will look over at me and say “You like her?” and I will reply “No, she is pretty but not for me only you for me”.
In my previous marriage we were passionate loving and fighting both and in the passion of fighting things were said that opened wounds that never healed.
I learned from that.
Daisy and I never disagree with passion.
We work it out.
Always easy going.
Once you cross that line in the sand you cannot uncross it and get back to where you once were.
Smooth interpersonal relationship…
Jade
Thanks for sharing your story, Jade. Good luck to you.